NationStates Jolt Archive

My poem NC17

Lacadaemon
10-12-2004, 16:05
I just made it up.

What do people think:

**************************************************

Slick thick black,
Asphalt.

A sad ribbon running like a broken vein.
Down Long Island to a place.
Fucked up, Broken up, Stretched out
Where we all repose.

I look at her,
And she looks at me
Over the cover of her fine Mercedes.
Making me feel like crap, Wishing I was fucking her
Knowing that some douche is having her.
And we are still sitting in the same line,

Waiting

Waiting to get to the beach.
Kanabia
10-12-2004, 16:11
Not bad, but maybe change the second "fucking her" to "having some" or something. Only Ozzy can pull rhyming the same words :p. (go listen to War Pigs to see what I mean)
Lacadaemon
10-12-2004, 16:43
Yeah. You know what your are right. I'll edit now. Thanks.
HE HATE ME
10-12-2004, 16:51
THIS THREAD NEEDS LESS EMO AND MORE FASCISM

http://esperantonord.free.fr/cdrom/allemagne/allemagne/hitler.jpg
Lacadaemon
10-12-2004, 16:54
THIS THREAD NEEDS LESS EMO AND MORE FASCISM

http://esperantonord.free.fr/cdrom/allemagne/allemagne/hitler.jpg

Well if you have some postive input, I am more than willing to entertain it.


It's a work in progress.
Consul Augustus
10-12-2004, 17:04
your poem needs more action, how about an airbattle?