NationStates Jolt Archive

A new priest at his first mass was so nervous he could hardly
speak. After mass he asked the monsignor how he had done. The
monsignor replied, "When I am worried about getting nervous on
the pulpit, I put a glass of vodka next to the water glass. If I
start to get nervous, I take a sip."

So the next Sunday he took the monsignor's advice. At the
beginning of the sermon, he got nervous and took a drink. He
proceeded to talk up a storm. Upon return to his office after
mass, he found the following note on his door:

1. Sip the Vodka, don't gulp.

2. There are 10 commandments, not 12.

3. There are 12 disciples, not 10.

4. Jesus was consecrated, not constipated.

5. Jacob wagered his donkey, he did not bet his ass.

6. We do not refer to Jesus Christ as the late J.C.

7. The Father, Son, and Holy Ghost are not referred to as Daddy,
Junior, and the Spook.

8. David slew Goliath, he did not kick the shit out of him.

9. When David was hit by a rock and knocked off his donkey,
don't say he was stoned off his ass.

10.We do not refer to the cross as the Big T!

11.When Jesus broke the bread at the Last Supper he said, "Take
this and eat it, for it is my body", he did not say, "Eat me."

12.The Virgin Mary is not referred to as the, "Mary with the
Cherry".

13.The recommended grace before a meal is not: "Rub-A-dub-dub,
thanks for the grub, yeah God". and finally...

14.Next Sunday there will be a taffy-pulling contest at
St.Peter's, not a peter-pulling contest at St. Taffy's.

What do you call a frozen prostitue?

A frostitute!


BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

Wow, you don't want to open a cheesy joke thread do you?

Well, I guess it's too late now. :D

Ok then,
What do you call a chicken in a shell suit?

An egg. :)

two sausages are in a frying pan. one sausage turns to the other and says
"its gettin a bit hot in here, isn't it?"
the second sausage looks at the first one in horror and says
"oh-mi-god, a talking sausage!!" :D

i know its awful but i've heard worse...

A cow is stood in a field next to another cow. It looks at the other and asks:
"Are you afraid of this mad cow disease then?"
The second calmly replies:
"Why? I'm a helicopter"

And, in time honoured fashion, may I add Ba Dum Tsch

A blind man walks past a fishmonger: "Ladies..."

The priest one rattles around in a chain letter. I love it.

What do horses eat after their examinations?
Hay-levels! (Britain only)

Boom boom! (Kachoom! ChaChaChaCha Pthup pthup Boom! Chuggachugga Weeeeeowwwwwww Kash! Chu-chu-chu Woolp-woolph-woolph!)

Did you hear about the magical tractor?

no do tell

An Illinois man left the snow-filled
streets of Chicago for a vacation in Florida. His wife was on a
business trip and was planning to meet him there the next day.
When he reached his hotel, he decided to send his wife a
quick e-mail. Unable to find the scrap of paper on which he had
written her e-mail address, he did his best to type it in from
memory.

Unfortunately, he missed one letter, and his note was directed
instead to an elderly preacher's wife, whose husband had passed
away only the day before. When the grieving widow checked her
e-mail, she took one look at the monitor, let out a piercing
scream, and fell to the floor in a dead faint.

At the sound, her family rushed into the room and saw this note
on the screen:

Dearest Wife,

Just got checked in. Everything prepared for your arrival
tomorrow.

PS. Sure is hot down here.

Did you hear about the magical tractor?

No?

Did you hear about the magical tractor?
It turned into a field!

It turned into a field!

Oh dear.

It's so bad its funny!

Too many bad jokes!!! Time for another classic:

Three men who were lost in the forest were captured by
cannibals. The cannibal king told the prisoners that they could
live if they pass a trial. The first step of the trial was to go
to the forest and get ten pieces of the same kind of fruit. So
all three men went separate ways to gather fruits.

The first one came back and said to the king, "I brought ten
apples." The king then explained the trial to him. "You have to
shove the fruits up your butt without any expression on your
face or you'll be eaten."

The first apple went in... but on the second one he winced out
in pain, so he was killed.

The second one arrived and showed the king ten berries. When the
king explained the trial to him he thought to himself that this
should be easy. 1...2...3...4...5...6...7...8... and on the
ninth berry he burst out in laughter and was killed.

The first guy and the second guy met in heaven. The first one
asked, "Why did you laugh, you almost got away with it?" The
second one replied, "I couldn't help it, I saw the third guy
coming with pineapples."

Too many bad jokes!!! Time for another classic:

Three men who were lost in the forest were captured by
cannibals. The cannibal king told the prisoners that they could
live if they pass a trial. The first step of the trial was to go
to the forest and get ten pieces of the same kind of fruit. So
all three men went separate ways to gather fruits.

The first one came back and said to the king, "I brought ten
apples." The king then explained the trial to him. "You have to
shove the fruits up your butt without any expression on your
face or you'll be eaten."

The first apple went in... but on the second one he winced out
in pain, so he was killed.

The second one arrived and showed the king ten berries. When the
king explained the trial to him he thought to himself that this
should be easy. 1...2...3...4...5...6...7...8... and on the
ninth berry he burst out in laughter and was killed.

The first guy and the second guy met in heaven. The first one
asked, "Why did you laugh, you almost got away with it?" The
second one replied, "I couldn't help it, I saw the third guy
coming with pineapples."

Owwww!

The e-mail one was good.

10 cows in a feild, which one's nearest Iraq?
Coo 8.

10 cows in a feild, which one's going on holiday?
The one with the wee calf.

These are only two good Scottish cow jokes in the known universe.

http://www.freakingnews.com/entries/7000/7415xDFC_w.jpg