NationStates Jolt Archive


A Piece of Satire

Superpower07
05-12-2004, 19:05
For my journalism class I wrote an entertainment feature article (an article intended to make you laugh) about Hanukkah Harry.

So far I have shown it to some friends (including Jewish ones) who said that it was a very good article. Let's see what NSers think of it.

I play lightly on the stereotype that Jews are cheap, and I use some deal of Yiddish; so if people are offended to some extent by this don't read on.

*best be read w/a Yiddish accent*
It’s that time of year again! The cholidays, when everybody pays tribute to the hardest-working man of the season.

Oy vey (oh woe)! Nobody remembers the 2nd-hardest vorking man around here: me, Hanukkah Harry!

Unlike Santa Claus, my workshops aren’t located at the North Pole; you can find them at your local JCC Gymnasium. I don’t have elves for chelpers, I have golems (monsters)! They help me create toys for all the good little Goldbergs and Kramers of the vorld. I always chave to schlep (hurry) to make ends meet. But vhat do you expect from me?

Santa gets such better funding; he can afford a luxury sleigh and purebred reindeer. Me, I can only afford a vheelbarrow pulled by donkeys! I have to bait Moshe, Herschel, and Schlomo with a carrot-on-a-stick to keep them going! Santa has his warm coat; all I have is my yarmulke (prayer cap). I can’t afford anything better; you might call me “cheap”, well feh!

And you won’t believe all the schlock (shoddy gifts) I have to go around delivering to the kindelach (kids). A DVD boxset of “Zeta Gundam”? Why not “Zade (Grandpa) Gundam”?

And my donkeys hee-haw so loud they wake all the kindelach up. People don’t clean their chimneys like for Santa Claus, so I get covered in all that schmutz (filth)! And sometimes I bump my keppe (forhead), and it hurts.

When I finally get inside the house, I chave to be very quiet – but no, I’m not hunting rabbits! But they won’t leave me and delicious milk and cookies like kids do for Santa. If I’m lucky, some little Jewish boy or girl will have left a plate of latkes (potato pancakes) out for me to eat. But oy, these things are so oily, and bad for your heart. I feel like I’m going to have a heart attack at any second now.

Then I have to do it over another 7 times! It doesn’t make sense; why not just give the kindelach all their gifts on one night, like Santa Claus does? That would save me a great deal of time, and being as cheap as I am, I don’t like wasting anything, especially time!

Sorry if I just kvetched (complained) all this time! But why do people have a bad impression of me? They are all schnooks (gullible) who probably saw that Saturday Night Live episode with a two-bit Jon Lovitz trying to play me in a skit!
Superpower07
05-12-2004, 19:26
BUMP, I say
Klonor
05-12-2004, 19:32
HA!

I nearly giggled myself out of my seat during that article