NationStates Jolt Archive

So, there's this girl I've been friends with since I moved to where I live in 8th grade. She had this controlling boyfriend, who after about 6 month of them being apart, still tries to do things to control her, such as saying bad things to her face, trying to control what she does, insulting her, etc. My friend (a guy) and I have decided that I will pretend to be this girl's boyfriend, and I'll hug her, wrap my arm around her, etc. whenever he is around.

Then, he'll walk over and call her a whore, or something like that, because he tries to make her sad, and hurt her feelings, etc. Then my friend and I will be "justified" because he will have called my "girlfriend" a whore. Does this sound like a good plan?

Well, he sounds like an absolute fuck head and thats he's a whinny baby that if he doesn't get what he wants, he'll try to ruin people's lives. I'm not sure how to approach this though. My main advice is to make sure she doesn't feel rejected and make her feel appreciated, if these insults are getting to her. Now, I would say you should maybe say something to this guy when he does that, but I don't know enough about the situation so.........

Dont hit him then. Yell at him for calling her a whore, and then if he says something smart back or start yelling at you or her, get in his face and yell even more and cause a scene. Then hope he hits you and then beat him down. Works everytime :D

That doesn't really sound like a good plan.

First off, it sounds like she doesn't have just a whole lot of self esteem, if she's letting this guy show up every now and then and shit on her. Secondly, if oyu put yourself in the middle of this, it could end up with you having to confront this jerk, and that's not a place you want to be.

Here's what I'd do: empower her. Keep talking and reassuring her that she's good, and smart and pretty and doesn't deserve to be treated like dirt. Make sure she knows that women are every bit as capable as guys are to handle themselves, and try and be kind, loving and compassionate to her. But in the end, don't pretend to be something you're not (her boyfriend) and be something that you are (someone who cares).

If it leads to more later, good. If not, you can walk away knowing that you were kind and supportive to someone who was hurting.

Then he would probably get called gay.

no, she needs to stand up to him herself

That doesn't really sound like a good plan.

First off, it sounds like she doesn't have just a whole lot of self esteem, if she's letting this guy show up every now and then and shit on her. Secondly, if oyu put yourself in the middle of this, it could end up with you having to confront this jerk, and that's not a place you want to be.

Here's what I'd do: empower her. Keep talking and reassuring her that she's good, and smart and pretty and doesn't deserve to be treated like dirt. Make sure she knows that women are every bit as capable as guys are to handle themselves, and try and be kind, loving and compassionate to her. But in the end, don't pretend to be something you're not (her boyfriend) and be something that you are (someone who cares).


I almost did today, when he walked up to her and tried to get her angry. My friend and I were {}<---- That close to saying something to him.

I always do things like that, I am always nice to her. She knows I like someone else, as does the person I like, and most people know we've been friends for a long time.

no, she needs to stand up to him herself



Well, what could she say to him?

Dont hit him then. Yell at him for calling her a whore, and then if he says something smart back or start yelling at you or her, get in his face and yell even more and cause a scene. Then hope he hits you and then beat him down. Works everytime :D

The best part is: He's an adult (17 is an Adult in MA) and I'm a child (16), so if he hits me, I can press charges, and hitting me would be the same as hitting a 7 year old.

Then he would probably get called gay.

He already has been.

How about you both take your head out of your ass and not bother, just let it go, who cares what some douche bag thinks if she doesnt have any real relationship with him.

Justified to do what? Gang up on him and beat him up? That's taking the high road! It might get you thrown in jail, but it won't solve her problem. If this is a high school type thing you should stay close to protect her if he becomes abusive. Talk to a school councelor, that way if something does happen at least someone with some authority will know what to do. They might also be able to help her see her own self worth. If she is done with him she is done with him. He will get the message sooner or later and move on.
I get the sense that maybe she is still interested in him. That is a huge problem with girls who have a low self asteem, and she must be if stuff he says can have that much effect on her. Reasure her that he is a low life bum and she is much to good for him. Do what you can to make sure she is surounded by friends who boost her self confidence and remind her of her value to them.
This is about her and her self image not about some stupid exboyfriend. Unless he starts trouble just ignore him. And if he does start something do you best to get her out of the situation with the least amount of drama possible. It sounds like she has already had enough of that.

Well, what could she say to him?
she could say whatever any strong woman would say in response to his insults. depends on what HE says eh? or she could just walk away as if he doesnt exist. she needs to learn to deal with it. being rescued doesnt make her stronger.

not that its a bad idea to keep an eye on her when he's around. things can get out of control very quickly with a boy like that

How about you both take your head out of your ass and not bother, just let it go, who cares what some douche bag thinks if she doesnt have any real relationship with him.

How about I stand up for my friend, why should I let it go he hasn't after 6 months?

Justified to do what? Gang up on him and beat him up? That's taking the high road! It might get you thrown in jail, but it won't solve her problem. If this is a high school type thing you should stay close to protect her if he becomes abusive. Talk to a school councelor, that way if something does happen at least someone with some authority will know what to do. They might also be able to help her see her own self worth. If she is done with him she is done with him. He will get the message sooner or later and move on.
I get the sense that maybe she is still interested in him. That is a huge problem with girls who have a low self asteem, and she must be if stuff he says can have that much effect on her. Reasure her that he is a low life bum and she is much to good for him. Do what you can to make sure she is surounded by friends who boost her self confidence and remind her of her value to them.
This is about her and her self image not about some stupid exboyfriend. Unless he starts trouble just ignore him. And if he does start something do you best to get her out of the situation with the least amount of drama possible. It sounds like she has already had enough of that.

Thanks, this is the best advice yet. Although, I wouldn't be thrown in jail, I'm a minor and he's an adult.

or she could just walk away as if he doesnt exist. she needs to learn to deal with it.

She's tried ignoring him, and he grabs her arm when she walks away. He follows her when she ignores him.

I'm thinking feet and crotches

So, there's this girl I've been friends with since I moved to where I live in 8th grade. She had this controlling boyfriend, who after about 6 month of them being apart, still tries to do things to control her, such as saying bad things to her face, trying to control what she does, insulting her, etc. My friend (a guy) and I have decided that I will pretend to be this girl's boyfriend, and I'll hug her, wrap my arm around her, etc. whenever he is around.

Then, he'll walk over and call her a whore, or something like that, because he tries to make her sad, and hurt her feelings, etc. Then my friend and I will be "justified" because he will have called my "girlfriend" a whore. Does this sound like a good plan?Nope. it will cause problems... what you need to do is contact the police and ask for advice. Sounds like he could turn violent at any moment.

She's tried ignoring him, and he grabs her arm when she walks away. He follows her when she ignores him.Contact the police. If she is a minor as well, then there can be some serious Law Enforcement officers that will back her up! Grabbing her arm can be viewed as Assault and Battery. Following her around can be stalking... next time that happens, she should call the police.

she could say whatever any strong woman would say in response to his insults. depends on what HE says eh? or she could just walk away as if he doesnt exist. she needs to learn to deal with it. being rescued doesnt make her stronger.

not that its a bad idea to keep an eye on her when he's around. things can get out of control very quickly with a boy like that



I see where you're coming from but why did you have to say "eh?". Personally, I'd tell him to fuck off but that could create a whole new series of problems for her, so that is bad advice.

Thanks, this is the best advice yet. Although, I wouldn't be thrown in jail, I'm a minor and he's an adult.

No problem, here's another thought. If he is an adult and no longer in your school and comes on school grounds to harass her, go to the principle, he is trespassing and disturbing the peace and can be arrested on that alone. If he touches her in any way. That is assault call the police. She can also go to court and get a restraining order which will not allow him to be anywhere near her. If he violates a court order he can be arrested.
I would NOT advise her to stand up to this creep. He is looking for confrontation and this would just encourage him (and spark a violent reaction). Your friend is not a "strong woman" and won't be untill she recieves some help in that regard. Maybe some day she will be but until then she needs the help of a good friend and maybe a few adults with training in this field.
After 6 months I think this guy qualifies as a stalker. Some states have laws about this kind of behavior as well. Check into it.

Thanks, this is the best advice yet. Although, I wouldn't be thrown in jail, I'm a minor and he's an adult.

Actually, Kahta, the law here in MA allows anyone over the age 13 to be charged as an adult if the situation warrants it. I can remember it coming up in the wake of Columbine. While I'm sure that you getting into a fight wouldn't result in you being charged as an adult for any reason, I think your misconception should be cleared up in case it ever does come up (which it shouldn't).

The best part is: He's an adult (17 is an Adult in MA) and I'm a child (16), so if he hits me, I can press charges, and hitting me would be the same as hitting a 7 year old.

I missed this before my last post. It's time to talk to your principle. All this stuff is going on in his school. He/she can, and I'm sure will, put an end to it very quickly.
Also I wouldn't count on the state pressing charges in the above quote. A lot of things are technically illegal, but if the prosecuter feels there is a week case they will drop it real fast. If you both go to the same school and you fight on school grounds all that is likely to happen is both of you will get suspended or expelled. I wouldn't even count on an arrest.

she could say whatever any strong woman would say in response to his insults. depends on what HE says eh? or she could just walk away as if he doesnt exist. she needs to learn to deal with it. being rescued doesnt make her stronger.

not that its a bad idea to keep an eye on her when he's around. things can get out of control very quickly with a boy like that

Ashmoria's right. Coming in on a white horse to save the damsel in distress is not what this girl needs. If you keep on rescuing her every time she gets into a bad relationship, she'll never stop getting into them. She needs to be taught how to stand up for herself. What you should do is just reinforce her own self-esteem by reminding her she doesn't need to take that crap from him, that she's a good person, that any guy would be lucky to have her, etc. etc. etc. If, and hopefully when, she chooses to confront this jackass, you should be there, to support her with your presence. But you should not get involved unless he becomes violent or abusive. It's something she needs to accomplish on her own; otherwise she'll just fall back into the same pattern of accepting abuse from guys like him.

Ashmoria's right. Coming in on a white horse to save the damsel in distress is not what this girl needs. If you keep on rescuing her every time she gets into a bad relationship, she'll never stop getting into them. She needs to be taught how to stand up for herself. What you should do is just reinforce her own self-esteem by reminding her she doesn't need to take that crap from him, that she's a good person, that any guy would be lucky to have her, etc. etc. etc. If, and hopefully when, she chooses to confront this jackass, you should be there, to support her with your presence. But you should not get involved unless he becomes violent or abusive. It's something she needs to accomplish on her own; otherwise she'll just fall back into the same pattern of accepting abuse from guys like him.

Seems to me if she broke up with him she has already confronted him. This guy probably has mental stability problems and should not be taken lightly. No one should have to stand up to someone who is breaking the law by being physically and verbally abusive. This what police and school authorities are for.
Another point: This guy needs some serious counciling too. He learned these behaviours from some place. Most likely that is the way his home is run. If someone does not step in and get this young man some help he will continue to do this with other girls for the rest of his life. In all likelyhood he also has very low self esteem and finds that making other people seem small and insignificant he makes himself feel bigger and more important. For the sake of both of these young people, and others they will interact with, someone with authority needs to take charge of this situation.

Ashmoria's right. Coming in on a white horse to save the damsel in distress is not what this girl needs. If you keep on rescuing her every time she gets into a bad relationship, she'll never stop getting into them.

This is the only bad one she's gotten into. I keep telling her that she sets her sights to low, and she needs to have higher standards. Then as an example of someone that she should go out with, I used myself, and she said that I was too high for her. So, then I didn't eat any of my lunch that day because we were talking.

So, there's this girl I've been friends with since I moved to where I live in 8th grade. She had this controlling boyfriend, who after about 6 month of them being apart, still tries to do things to control her, such as saying bad things to her face, trying to control what she does, insulting her, etc. My friend (a guy) and I have decided that I will pretend to be this girl's boyfriend, and I'll hug her, wrap my arm around her, etc. whenever he is around.

Then, he'll walk over and call her a whore, or something like that, because he tries to make her sad, and hurt her feelings, etc. Then my friend and I will be "justified" because he will have called my "girlfriend" a whore. Does this sound like a good plan?

As plans go, that has to be right up there with getting him to beat you up and slipping your wallet into his pocket while he's doing it, then get him busted for theft.

You think she'll be totally impressed cause you kicked the crap out of him, that might work in Bruce Lee movies. Make a scene but don't get violent, and remember

"Never, ever hit a man, unless you're absolutely certain you won't get caught"

No one should have to stand up to someone who is breaking the law by being physically and verbally abusive. This what police and school authorities are for.



Sorry, but I had to laugh at that.

You think she'll be totally impressed cause you kicked the crap out of him, that might work in Bruce Lee movies. Make a scene but don't get violent,




I'll only hit him if he hits me first. She won't be impressed, I was going to do something to someone that was bothering me at another time, and she grabbed my arm and wouldn't let go until I said I wouldn't do anything to him.

Chaos at Gardner High School.

Gardner doesn't go to Wahchusett, right?

Originally Posted by Bootlickers:
No one should have to stand up to someone who is breaking the law by being physically and verbally abusive. This what police and school authorities are for.

Sorry, but I had to laugh at that.

Why is that funny? I don't find the humor. If you are going to belittle someone's post you should at least have the courtesy of explaining yourself.

no, she needs to stand up to him herself
Standing up by herself for herself is all well and good, but it can be dangerous.

Chaos at Gardner High School.

Gardner doesn't go to Wahchusett, right?

I don't got to Gardner High School. I have school choice.

I don't got to Gardner High School. I have school choice.

Where do you go?