NationStates Jolt Archive

in a relationship. to ask someone to give up their friends?

simply because those friends happen to be people someone has dated?

As in stop someone being friends with that someone's ex?

Nope.

EDIT: Although if a girlfriend of mine was still friends with her ex, I might get a few random twinge's of jealousy.

in a relationship. to ask someone to give up their friends?

simply because those friends happen to be people someone has dated?
"Fair" has very little to do with this. If you truly love the other person, you will honor their wishes, but if she/he truly loves you, they won't ask you to give up a friend. Makes for interesting late-night conversations. :)

Nothing in this world is fair my good friend. The question is, whether or not it is right. And no, its not right.

Depends. Who're the friends, why does said significant other want them to be gone?

I think you have to decide which is more important, the friend, or the significant other. I personally don't stay friends with my ex's, and while I understand that certain situations, such as when there's a child involved, warrant this kind of thing, I think that people should cut their previous relationship loose if they intend to have trust in their current relationship.

Anyone who would ask you to give up your friends as a condition of their love would never truly love you to begin with. So no.

Anyone who would ask you to give up your friends as a condition of their love would never truly love you to begin with. So no.

Look at it the other way. Imagine you found someone who was still friends with their ex, and they felt that this person they'd had sex with should be allowed in the house when you're not there. Do they really belong in a relationship with you under those conditions?

I think the entire "be yourself" idea applies here. Who you're friends with is a part of who you are. If they can't accept who you are, then they don't truly love you.

In other words, if that's one of the conditions of the relationship, it shouldn't exist. I think from either side, that's a fair assumption.

Look at it the other way. Imagine you found someone who was still friends with their ex, and they felt that this person they'd had sex with should be allowed in the house when you're not there. Do they really belong in a relationship with you under those conditions?

Well, then that's a matter of trust. If you can't trust your partner to remain faithful to you while you're not around, then how can you possibly love them?

Yes, but it's not balanced trust. You're being asked to trust, while they already know they can trust you.

in a relationship. to ask someone to give up their friends?

simply because those friends happen to be people someone has dated?

No, I wouldn't say it is. Did you happen to watch a certain episode of Friends recently?

Yes, but it's not balanced trust. You're being asked to trust, while they already know they can trust you.

That doesn't change what I say. It's still a matter of whether you can trust someone not to sleep with someone else as soon as you leave for work for the day. I think any relationship where you can't even trust your partner not to have sex with other people behind your back is not going to have a promising future, and is obviously lacking the kind of love that would make that sort of trust implicit. To ask your partner not to be friends with certain people because you don't trust him/her to not sleep with them is a sure sign of an unhealthy relationship.

in a relationship. to ask someone to give up their friends?

simply because those friends happen to be people someone has dated?
it is perfectly fair to ask. it is equally fair to refuse.

I think it depends.

Are they asking you never to have contact with that person again? Or just not hang out with the other person when they aren't around?

Who's ex is it? Is it THEIR ex, and they don't want you being friends with their own ex because of what that ex might tell you about them? Is it their ex, who treated them so badly that they can't stand the sight of that person?

Or is it YOUR ex? Is your ex still interested in getting back with you? Is your ex trying to sabotage your new relationship?

I think to get to the bottom of this, you would need to find out what their REAL reasons are for being insecure about your friendship with that person.

They might have valid reasons. And if you care about their feelings, you might want to find some common ground where you can accomodate those feelings.

But if it is a control issue, then even if you give that friend up, there will be something else popping up in its place for them to give you ultimatums over.

So it isn't black and white, you need to delve into the shades of grey and then listen to your heart.

That's about what I meant. If there's something held back like that, it isn't healthy to begin with, whether it's your ex or their ex. And it isn't that easy. When it comes to relationships, it's always a tangled skein. Every relationship is different. Just my own experience has shown that it doesn't work. If their ex is far away, or they have a child together, fine. If not, then there had best be a very good reason.

Anyone who would ask you to give up your friends as a condition of their love would never truly love you to begin with. So no.

Nice ideal, but how would it stand up to reality? Does it hold true no matter what the "friends" are like? Let's say you find out someone you're dating is friends with... I dunno. Josef Stalin. Naturally that makes you uneasy. Does that mean if you ask her to stop being friends with ole Stalin, you never loved her to begin with?

Nice ideal, but how would it stand up to reality? Does it hold true no matter what the "friends" are like? Let's say you find out someone you're dating is friends with... I dunno. Josef Stalin. Naturally that makes you uneasy. Does that mean if you ask her to stop being friends with ole Stalin, you never loved her to begin with?

If she's friends with Josef Stalin, what should that have to do with our relationship? I can be uneasy with her being friends with him, and naturally I wouldn't want to be around him, but if she's got her reasons to be friends with him, why should I doubt them?

If she's friends with Josef Stalin, what should that have to do with our relationship? I can be uneasy with her being friends with him, and naturally I wouldn't want to be around him, but if she's got her reasons to be friends with him, why should I doubt them?

Well, Stalin had a habit of murdering people randomly on the basis of his extreme paranoia....

Right to choose one's friends > Life?

in general its a very bad sign when your bf/gf starts telling you who you can and cannot see. its a mistake to take up with anyone who wants to control all aspects of your life.

but

it depends on how much you "dated" this other person and when now doesnt it?

if you were living with a guy/girl for 3 years, broke up hard, and now, 2 months later want to be spending time with him/her, i dont blame the new bf/gf for not liking the idea. its callled "playing with fire" and your need to see this guy is an indication that its not over between you. your bf/gf is in a big time risk of getting his/her heart broken and its not wrong of him/her to insist that you make a choice right now.

if you dated some guy/girl a couple time a couple years ago then became good friends and you have maintained a non-sexual close friendship since then, your bf/gf is way out of line. this could be a deal breaker. you need to have a serious discussion of jealousy. if s/he cant come to terms with it, its better to break up now. its doomed.

if your new love is jealous of every friend you have and worries that as soon as you are out of his/her sight you are going to be hopping into bed with whichever one you might be around, you need to get out NOW. if s/he is insisting that you drop ALL your friends because they are "bad for you" its time to go. this kind of insane jealousy only gets worse. s/he needs big time psychological councilling and you dont need to be subject to his/her insanity in the meantime.