Stripe-lovers
27-11-2004, 16:17
OK, I'm sick and tired of all the people on here who keep bringing up Leviticus to "prove" the stupidity of the Bible. It's really tiresome and, no, it doesn't prove your argument. One book in the Old Testament doesn't make the whole thing invalid. It offends me deeply and in my opinion you are all completely missing the point.
I mean, Dueteronomy is where all the juicy stuff is at. As Deuteronomy fan I'm offended you overlook ir. You need to get off your Leviticus fixation and start giving the new "strangest book in the Bible" a fair shake of the stick. I mean it's covers everything:
Disclaimer: Any Christians or Jews who feel deeply in the inviolability of the Old Testament do not read the following. You will be offended. This is intended as amusement for us godless heathen, not flamebait. I would, however, be interested in interprations of these passages by Christians or Jews who will not be too offended by my blasphemous tone.
University students
At the end of every seven years thou shalt make a release. And this is the manner of the release: Every creditor that lendeth ought unto his neighbour shall release it; he shall not exact it of his neighbour, or of his brother; because it is called the LORD's release.
Hey everyone, free money. Get your student loan wiped out after 7 years.
"When thou comest into the standing corn of thy neighbour, then thou mayest pluck the ears with thine hand; but thou shalt not move a sickle unto thy neighbour's standing corn.
Free food, too. It seems like this book was written for university students
If a man have a stubborn and rebellious son, which will not obey the voice of his father, or the voice of his mother, and that, when they have chastened him, will not hearken unto them:
Then shall his father and his mother lay hold on him, and bring him out unto the elders of his city, and unto the gate of his place;
And they shall say unto the elders of his city, This our son is stubborn and rebellious, he will not obey our voice; he is a glutton, and a drunkard.
And all the men of his city shall stone him with stones, that he die: so shalt thou put evil away from among you; and all Israel shall hear, and fear.
Hmm, OK, maybe not.
Women's rights
If a damsel that is a virgin be betrothed unto an husband, and a man find her in the city, and lie with her;
Then ye shall bring them both out unto the gate of that city, and ye shall stone them with stones that they die; the damsel, because she cried not, being in the city; and the man, because he hath humbled his neighbour's wife: so thou shalt put away evil from among you.
But if a man find a betrothed damsel in the field, and the man force her, and lie with her: then the man only that lay with her shall die.
But unto the damsel thou shalt do nothing; there is in the damsel no sin worthy of death: for as when a man riseth against his neighbour, and slayeth him, even so is this matter:
For he found her in the field, and the betrothed damsel cried, and there was none to save her.
So if you're raped in a city it's your own damn fault.
When men strive together one with another, and the wife of the one draweth near for to deliver her husband out of the hand of him that smiteth him, and putteth forth her hand, and taketh him by the secrets:
Then thou shalt cut off her hand, thine eye shall not pity her.
And don't dare try the old sack-grab to save your husband.
Masturbation
When the host goeth forth against thine enemies, then keep thee from every wicked thing.
If there be among you any man, that is not clean by reason of uncleanness that chanceth him by night, then shall he go abroad out of the camp, he shall not come within the camp:
But it shall be, when evening cometh on, he shall wash himself with water: and when the sun is down, he shall come into the camp again.
So you soldiers, I know you're lonely but don't do it. Not unless you want to spend tomorrow standing outside the camp.
Home improvement
When thou buildest a new house, then thou shalt make a battlement for thy roof, that thou bring not blood upon thine house, if any man fall from thence.
Seems a tad mundane for a holy decree, IMHO.
Sports safety
He that is wounded in the stones, or hath his privy member cut off, shall not enter into the congregation of the LORD.
Wear a box, folks.
International finance
For the LORD thy God blesseth thee, as he promised thee: and thou shalt lend unto many nations, but thou shalt not borrow;
Bush is in trouble.
The "we're all screwed" passage
A bastard shall not enter into the congregation of the LORD; even to his tenth generation shall he not enter into the congregation of the LORD.
I'm guessing that pretty much none of us can claim that nowhere in the last 10 generations of our ancestry is there any illegitimacy. And I'm definitely screwed, being as how I'm on my parents wedding photo.
I mean, Dueteronomy is where all the juicy stuff is at. As Deuteronomy fan I'm offended you overlook ir. You need to get off your Leviticus fixation and start giving the new "strangest book in the Bible" a fair shake of the stick. I mean it's covers everything:
Disclaimer: Any Christians or Jews who feel deeply in the inviolability of the Old Testament do not read the following. You will be offended. This is intended as amusement for us godless heathen, not flamebait. I would, however, be interested in interprations of these passages by Christians or Jews who will not be too offended by my blasphemous tone.
University students
At the end of every seven years thou shalt make a release. And this is the manner of the release: Every creditor that lendeth ought unto his neighbour shall release it; he shall not exact it of his neighbour, or of his brother; because it is called the LORD's release.
Hey everyone, free money. Get your student loan wiped out after 7 years.
"When thou comest into the standing corn of thy neighbour, then thou mayest pluck the ears with thine hand; but thou shalt not move a sickle unto thy neighbour's standing corn.
Free food, too. It seems like this book was written for university students
If a man have a stubborn and rebellious son, which will not obey the voice of his father, or the voice of his mother, and that, when they have chastened him, will not hearken unto them:
Then shall his father and his mother lay hold on him, and bring him out unto the elders of his city, and unto the gate of his place;
And they shall say unto the elders of his city, This our son is stubborn and rebellious, he will not obey our voice; he is a glutton, and a drunkard.
And all the men of his city shall stone him with stones, that he die: so shalt thou put evil away from among you; and all Israel shall hear, and fear.
Hmm, OK, maybe not.
Women's rights
If a damsel that is a virgin be betrothed unto an husband, and a man find her in the city, and lie with her;
Then ye shall bring them both out unto the gate of that city, and ye shall stone them with stones that they die; the damsel, because she cried not, being in the city; and the man, because he hath humbled his neighbour's wife: so thou shalt put away evil from among you.
But if a man find a betrothed damsel in the field, and the man force her, and lie with her: then the man only that lay with her shall die.
But unto the damsel thou shalt do nothing; there is in the damsel no sin worthy of death: for as when a man riseth against his neighbour, and slayeth him, even so is this matter:
For he found her in the field, and the betrothed damsel cried, and there was none to save her.
So if you're raped in a city it's your own damn fault.
When men strive together one with another, and the wife of the one draweth near for to deliver her husband out of the hand of him that smiteth him, and putteth forth her hand, and taketh him by the secrets:
Then thou shalt cut off her hand, thine eye shall not pity her.
And don't dare try the old sack-grab to save your husband.
Masturbation
When the host goeth forth against thine enemies, then keep thee from every wicked thing.
If there be among you any man, that is not clean by reason of uncleanness that chanceth him by night, then shall he go abroad out of the camp, he shall not come within the camp:
But it shall be, when evening cometh on, he shall wash himself with water: and when the sun is down, he shall come into the camp again.
So you soldiers, I know you're lonely but don't do it. Not unless you want to spend tomorrow standing outside the camp.
Home improvement
When thou buildest a new house, then thou shalt make a battlement for thy roof, that thou bring not blood upon thine house, if any man fall from thence.
Seems a tad mundane for a holy decree, IMHO.
Sports safety
He that is wounded in the stones, or hath his privy member cut off, shall not enter into the congregation of the LORD.
Wear a box, folks.
International finance
For the LORD thy God blesseth thee, as he promised thee: and thou shalt lend unto many nations, but thou shalt not borrow;
Bush is in trouble.
The "we're all screwed" passage
A bastard shall not enter into the congregation of the LORD; even to his tenth generation shall he not enter into the congregation of the LORD.
I'm guessing that pretty much none of us can claim that nowhere in the last 10 generations of our ancestry is there any illegitimacy. And I'm definitely screwed, being as how I'm on my parents wedding photo.