NationStates Jolt Archive

Question 1: Are you married?
If 'yes' go to question 2. If 'no' then "STOP SINNER!"

Question 2: Is this your wife?
If 'yes' go to question 3. If 'no' then "STOP SINNER!"

Question 3: Have you been married for more than three days?
If 'yes' go to question 4. If 'no' then "STOP SINNER!"

Question 4: Is your wife menstruating?
If 'no' go to question 5. If 'yes' then "STOP SINNER!"

Question 5: Is your wife pregnant?
If 'no' go to question 6. If 'yes' then "STOP SINNER!"

Question 6: Is your wife nursing child?
If 'no' go to question 7. If 'yes' then "STOP SINNER!"

Question 7: Is it Lent?
If 'no' go to question 8. If 'yes' then "STOP SINNER!"

Question 8: Is it Advent?
If 'no' go to question 9. If 'yes' then "STOP SINNER!"

Question 9: Is it Whitsun week?
If 'no' go to question 10. If 'yes' then "STOP SINNER!"

Question 10: Is it Easter week?
If 'no' go to question 11. If 'yes' then "STOP SINNER!"

Question 11: Is it a feast day?
If 'no' go to question 12. If 'yes' then "STOP SINNER!"

Question 12: Is it a fast day?
If 'no' go to question 13. If 'yes' then "STOP SINNER!"

Question 13: Is it Sunday?
If 'no' go to question 14. If 'yes' then "STOP SINNER!"

Question 14: Is it Wednesday?
If 'no' go to question 15. If 'yes' then "STOP SINNER!"

Question 15: Is it Friday?
If 'no' go to question 16. If 'yes' then "STOP SINNER!"

Question 16: Is it Saturday?
If 'no' go to question 17. If 'yes' then "STOP SINNER!"

Question 17: Is it Daylight?
If 'no' go to question 18. If 'yes' then "STOP SINNER!"

Question 18: Are you naked?
If 'no' go to question 19. If 'yes' then "STOP SINNER!"

Question 19: Are you in church?
If 'no' go to question 20. If 'yes' then "STOP SINNER!"

Question 20: Do you want a child?
If 'yes' go to the bottom of the thread. If 'no' then "STOP SINNER!"

If you have got this far and have an urge for sex then GO AHEAD!
But be careful:
No fondling!
No lewd kisses!
No oral sex!
No strange positions!
Only have sex once!
Try not to enjoy it!
Good luck!
And wash afterwards!

Popcorn, anyone? I have a feeling this is going to be a good show...

Rofl!!!

Can someone tell me who actually clicked 'yes'?

Time for a good bumping!

Fantastic.

:eek: Genius :D

Oh come on, this is flamebaiting of the highest order - it deserves at least one angry rant! Where are all the self-righteous insecure people when you need them?!

I celebrated reading this thread by having sex.

I celebrated reading this thread by having sex.

23 minutes. That was quick.

23 minutes. That was quick.

I didn't say it was good sex.

I didn't say it was good sex.

Touche

*applauds*

23 minutes. That was quick.
It depends- if he was alone at the time it was a marathon session.
http://costumes-4-halloween.com/Merchant2/graphics/00000001/CLOWN.jpg

It depends- if he was alone at the time it was a marathon session.
http://costumes-4-halloween.com/Merchant2/graphics/00000001/CLOWN.jpg

True. I always find in those situations that foreplay can be troublesome.

True. I always find in those situations that foreplay can be troublesome.
Its the having to buy myself dinner and a movie before hand that annoys me

True. I always find in those situations that foreplay can be troublesome.

Or I could have broken up with my last girlfriend a month ago and be completely full of crap.

before hand
B doom tch!

ROFL - *stopped at question 1* I don't even have a girlfriend!

ROFL - *stopped at question 1* I don't even have a girlfriend!

Lol

I wonder how catholics get so many kids if all those laws apply...

I wonder how catholics get so many kids if all those laws apply...

Indeed.

Indeed.

They must be... SINNERS! Burn in hell! MWAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

does the catholic church really forbid one from having sex on a wednesday, or a feast day? Almost every day is someone's feast day. I doubt the veracity of the original post.

I wonder how catholics get so many kids if all those laws apply...

Especially the 'Only have sex once!' one at the end....

Hmmmmmmmm....

does the catholic church really forbid one from having sex on a wednesday, or a feast day? Almost every day is someone's feast day. I doubt the veracity of the original post.

You have to ruin things don't you?

These rules only apply if your a priest! If lay people had to follow it, then there would be no sex for anyone! Except Priests. So I say to spite this awful waste of rules, jump on the next person(with consent) and enjoy your self more than once! :fluffle: :) :fluffle: :rolleyes:

I wonder how catholics get so many kids if all those laws apply...

Because every sperm is sacred.

Because every sperm is sacred.
LOL

Because every sperm is sacred.

No, its just blessed by God! Remember according to the Pope condoms don't work so ob, they put something in to the holy wine and wafers, boosting sperm strength!!

No, its just blessed by God! Remember according to the Pope condoms don't work so ob, they put something in to the holy wine and wafers, boosting sperm strength!!

No! Every sperm is sacred! Every sperm is great! If a sperm is wasted, GOD GETS QUITE IRATE!!! ALRIGHT?!

If a sacred sperm is lost, then TW will have you burned at the stake-it's his fave thing.

If a sacred sperm is lost, then TW will have you burned at the stake-it's his fave thing.

Hmm, that could be a nasty waste of sperm. Memo to self: Sperm burns too, so only burn women.

Hmm, that could be a nasty waste of sperm. Memo to self: Sperm burns too, so only burn women.

hmm...

hmm...

Erm, TIN, your sister isn't free any time this weekend, is she? :D

does the catholic church really forbid one from having sex on a wednesday, or a feast day? Almost every day is someone's feast day. I doubt the veracity of the original post.
Granted, the criteria were expanded for the sake of humor, but even in a shortened version, how many would qualify:

1. Are you married?
2. Is this your spouse?
3. Is your intention to conceive?
4. Is your mind free from lustful thoughts?

Those criteria alone would eliminate most people. Especially #4, since lustful thoughts are generally necessary for the mechanics to kick in.

We're both busy on weekends. She does night shifts-I do day shifts. Quite Ironic, really.

Currently she's in the shower, then she's going to bed for a few hours.

Hmm, that could be a nasty waste of sperm. Memo to self: Sperm burns too, so only burn women.
memo to self: if i get loaded with sperm, that will make me ineligible to being burned at the stake.

well, yes, I stopped at one too.

but it's funny that there's no age limit thingy on there.

I guess the goal was to see what is the % of lyers here :p

20%!!!

Granted, the criteria were expanded for the sake of humor, but even in a shortened version, how many would qualify:

1. Are you married?
2. Is this your spouse?
3. Is your intention to conceive?
4. Is your mind free from lustful thoughts?

Those criteria alone would eliminate most people. Especially #4, since lustful thoughts are generally necessary for the mechanics to kick in.

Couldn't have put it better myself. Thank you.

Couldn't have put it better myself. Thank you.

Apart from the fact that the Catholic Church don't consider lust to be evil. You just shouldn't let it control you.

Apart from the fact that the Catholic Church don't consider lust to be evil. You just shouldn't let it control you.

Hey, I'm a comedian not a theologian.

Now I know why my catholic wife only wants to have sex in the shower...and that's only once a month. Damn!

No! Every sperm is sacred! Every sperm is great! If a sperm is wasted, GOD GETS QUITE IRATE!!! ALRIGHT?!

Then you should stop wasting it on yourself!!!!!!

Geez. No lustful thoughts?
Makes it kinda difficult.

Um, where did all those rules for days come from?

Um, where did all those rules for days come from?

He made many of them up, or got them from someone else who made many of them up.

I'm Catholic, and these are the only ones I know of that are an official part of church rules:

1. You should be married, and to someone of the opposite sex.
2. You should be only having sex with the person you are married to.
3. You must be truly open to the possibility of conception. (This would eliminate anal sex, oral sex, pulling out before ejaculation, and other forms of birth cintrol.)

However, rule 3. can be waived in certain circumstances. (ie. you already have ten kids and can't afford to support another, the wife will die if she has another pregnancy, etc.)

Ah, I was so close to being allowed to have sex. I think it was the...yes, the first question on which i failed. but so close!

I'm baptised Catholic, but that doesn't stop me! :D

Hey are you not allowed to masturbate because of that whole spilling your seed on the ground thing? Because personally, Id use kleenex. Not as messy that way :D

Hey are you not allowed to masturbate because of that whole spilling your seed on the ground thing?

The verse about Onan's little incident is what the Church uses to justify its position on masturbation, as well as its position on birth control. I strongly disagree with the Church's interpretation of that verse, but whatever.

Because personally, Id use kleenex. Not as messy that way :D

:cool:

They missed a question between "Are you Married?" and "Is this your Wife?"...

'Question 1.5: Is your partner a farm animal, wild animal, cantelope, or any part of your own body?
If "no," go to Question 2. If "Yes," then "STOP SINNER!"'

I find it amusing that other people take the Catholic Church's views on sex more seriously than actual Catholics do.

And the reason that Catholics have so many kids, when they do, is BECAUSE they do not use birth control as sex is supposed to be for reproduction.

I find it amusing that other people take the Catholic Church's views on sex more seriously than actual Catholics do.

I was talking to a friend of mine who works for my local parish and has done a lot of couseling over the years. She was telling me about this one unmarried college girl she was working with who was a baptised Catholic. The girl was fairly promiscuous, and admitted this fact. So this friend of mine suggests that the college girl use birth control to prevent a pregnancy. The college girl looked a little shocked and said, "But that's a sin!"

And the reason that Catholics have so many kids, when they do, is BECAUSE they do not use birth control as sex is supposed to be for reproduction.

That is its primary function, yes.

Original poster, it would be great if you could make it so at least 25% of your "facts" were accurate. Thanks.

That is the single most idiotic thing I've ever read. Why do you propagate such religion? Is it because, deep down, you know your a fraud? Just another christian lemming believing in lies... The truth can be found in textbooks. Not in some fairy-tale biblical shit.
You people, so pathetically clinging to your false hope. You don't reveal it, however, you know they're lies. Heavan. Hell. Hah. Reverands and churches are fountains of lies, just waiting to be broken.
Native-Americans' religion had its time. Aztecs' and Mayans' had their's. Egyptians' had its time. Greeks' had its time. Now it's the Christians' time. It'll fade. Come 3,000, it'll be dead. Just another bunch of disproven lies.

:sniper:

Popcorn, anyone? I have a feeling this is going to be a good show...


:fluffle:
Well, this is a pretty much pagan, homosexual nation, over here...and we ALWAYS consider any and all Christian Churches to provide the BEST sit coms around. Hell, what else are they good for? Most of them are totally unaware that back when Constantine ordered the creation of the original bible, he ordered about 80% of the text to be LEFT OUT...which means they're operating on only 20% of the total info available anyway. Which means they don't know what the fuck they're doing.

What I find interesting is that if you look in the portion of their 'holy' text where the sexual laws are actually outlined, there are two glaring loopholes. One is that only sex between adult males is prohibited. Since in those days, a youth wasn't considered an adult until he was over thirty....

And the other one, after a long list of which women a man could not have, you come to the realization that his female offspring are NOT on that list of prohibitions.


Now, there are historical reasons for that. First, Constantine didn't actually BECOME a Christian until he was on his deathbed. Second, he had a LOT of male lovers, mostly youths, and third, he regularly bedded his daughters.

And this is the guy who 'created' the bible that they base their Church Laws and belief system on?

I think they need to find another path to spiritual fulfillment.

Hey, would masturbating be alright for a male catholic if he stores all the sperm and will "inject" it into his future wife? Or even into random women on the street?

Apparently hasidic jews are allowed to have sex in any position they want except standing on the grounds that that might lead to dancing.