IDF
24-11-2004, 01:37
What is your favorite Mel Brooks movie?
Mine is Blazing Saddles Just to let you know why, look at these funny lines. I also love History of the World Part 1. Producers of course is good
Collected by www.imbd.com
WARNING FOR STRONG LANGUAGE
[to himself, after fooling the town]
Bart: Oh, baby, you're *so* talented... and they are *so* dumb.
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Hedley Lamarr: Repeat after me: I...
Men: I...
Hedley Lamarr: ...your name...
Men: ...your name...
Hedley Lamarr: [to himself] Shmucks.
[aloud]
Hedley Lamarr: ... do pledge allegiance...
Men: ...do pledge allegiance...
Hedley Lamarr: ...to Hedley Lamarr...
Men: ...to Hedy Lamarr...
Hedley Lamarr: That's *Hedley*.
Men: That's Hedley.
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Lili Von Shtupp: Is that a ten-gallon hat, or are you just enjoying the show?
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Lili Von Shtupp: A wed wose, how womantic.
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[Recalling his gunfighting career]
Jim: I must have killed more men than Cecil B. DeMille.
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Bart: Are we awake?
Jim: We're not sure. Are we black?
Bart: Yes, we are.
Jim: Then we're awake, but very puzzled.
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Lili Von Shtupp: [singing] Here I stand, the goddess of desire / Set men on fire / I have this power. / Morning, noon, and night, it's dwink and dancing / Some quick womancing / And then a shower. / Stage door Johnnies constantly suwwound me / They always hound me, with one wequest. / Who can satisfy their lustful habits? / I'm not a wabbit. / I need some west.
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Church Congregation: [singing] Now is a time of great decision / Are we to stay or up and quit? / There's no avoiding this conclusion: / Our town is turning into shit. Amen.
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Mexican Bandit: Badges? We don't need no stinking badges.
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[Jim downs a bottle of whiskey in one long guzzle]
Bart: A man drink like that and he don't eat, he is going to DIE.
Jim: When?
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Bart: Mornin', ma'am. And isn't it a lovely mornin'?
Elderly woman: Up yours ******.
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Lili Von Shtupp: [singing] I'm tired of men always coming and going, going and coming and always too soon.
[spoken]
Lili Von Shtupp: Vat am I, a rabbit?
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Bart: I better go check out this Mongo character.
[Bart reaches for his gun]
Jim: Oh no, don't do that.
Bart: Why not?
Jim: If you shoot him, you'll just make him mad.
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[Bart, disguised as a Klansman, describes his qualifications as a villain]
Bart: Stampeding cattle.
Hedley Lamarr: That's not much of a crime.
Bart: Through the Vatican?
Hedley Lamarr: [smiling] Kinky. Sign here.
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Mongo: Mongo only pawn... in game of life.
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Jim: Uh-oh, Bart. I think Mongo here's taken a liking to you.
Mongo: Huh-huh, naw, Mongo straight.
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Taggart: I got it. I got it.
Hedley Lamarr: You do?
Taggart: We'll work up a "Number 6" on 'em.
Hedley Lamarr: "Number 6"? I'm afraid I'm not familiar with that one...
Taggart: Well, that's where we go a-ridin' into town, a whampin' and whompin' every livin' thing that moves within an inch of its life. Except the women folks, of course.
Hedley Lamarr: You spare the women?
Taggart: NAW. We rape the shit out of them at the Number 6 Dance later on.
Hedley Lamarr: Marvelous.
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Jim: You've got to remember that these are just simple farmers. These are people of the land. The common clay of the new West. You know... morons.
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Hedley Lamarr: Meeting adjourned. Oh, I am sorry sir I didn't mean to overstep my bounds, you say that.
Governor William J. Le Petomane: What?
Hedley Lamarr: Meeting is adjourned.
Governor William J. Le Petomane: It is?
Hedley Lamarr: No, you say that governor.
Governor William J. Le Petomane: What?
Hedley Lamarr: Meeting is adjourned.
Governor William J. Le Petomane: It is?
Hedley Lamarr: Here sir, play with this.
[Hands the governor a rubber ball and paddle set]
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Lili Von Shtupp: Hello, cowboy. Wha's your name?
Tex: Tex, Ma'am.
Lili Von Shtupp: Texmam? Well, tell me Texmam, are you in show business?
Tex: Well, no, ma'am.
Lilly von Schtupp: Then why don't you get your fwiggin' feet off o' the stage.
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Lyle: The way you was lollygagging with them picks and shovels, you would think it was a hundred and twenty degrees out here. Can't be more 'n a hundred and fourteen.
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Gabby Johnson: I wash born here, an I wash raished here, and dad gum it, I am gonna die here, an no sidewindin bushwackin, hornswaglin, cracker croaker is gonna rouin me bishen cutter.
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[the railway crew discover quicksand up ahead, and one of them offers to ride up ahead to check it out]
Taggart: Horses? We can't afford to lose no horses. Send over a couple o' niggers.
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[Taggart spots two workers on a hand-cart sinking into quicksand]
Taggart: Oh shit. Quick.
[Lassos the hand-cart and drags it (but not the men) out of the quicksand]
Taggart: Dang that was lucky. Doggone near lost a four hundred dollar handcart.
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Taggart: Break's over, boys. Don't just lay there gettin' a suntan, ain't gonna do you no good anyhow. Now take this shovel and put it to some good use.
[Bart grabs a shovel and advances on Taggart from behind]
Charlie: Don't do it, Bart.
Bart: Uh-uh, baby, I have to.
Taggart: [to Lyle] Now send a wire to the main office and tell them that I said
[Bart whacks him]
Taggart: OW.
Lyle: Send wire, main office, tell them I said ow, gotcha.
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[the Governor is having trouble putting his pen back into its holder]
Hedley Lamarr: Think of your secretary...
[the pen goes straight in]
Governor William J. Le Petomane: Thank you. That's a good one.
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Hedley Lamarr: My mind is a raging torrent, flooded with rivulets of thought cascading into a waterfall of creative alternatives.
Taggart: God darnit Mr. Lamarr, you use your tongue prettier than a twenty dollar whore.
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[Bart returns unexpectedly after being sentenced to death]
Charlie: They said you was hung.
Bart: And they was right.
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[Gabby Johnson (on the roof of the church) spots the new sheriff riding into town]
Gabby Johnson: [shouting] The sheriff's a ******.
[the last word is lost in the peal of a church bell]
Harriett Van Johnson: What did he say?
Dr. Sam Johnson: He said the sheriff is near.
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[Dr. Sam Johnson (with laurel wreath in hand) greets Bart (the new sheriff), reading from a piece of paper, not realizing that Bart is black]
Howard Johnson: As chairman of the welcoming committee, it's a pleasure to present a Laurel and Hardy handshake to our new
[finally looks up]
Howard Johnson: ... ******.
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Bart: You be my guest, and I be your host. What be your pleasure, Jim?
Jim: I don't know... play chess... screw...
Bart: [quickly] Let's play chess.
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[Bart on grandstand to the townspeople]
Bart: Excuse me while I whip this out.
[Bart reaches into waistline as crowd gasps and screams. Bart pulls out paper]
Crowd: Ahhhhh.
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[describing how everyone wanted to duel him when he was The Waco Kid]
Jim: Then one day I hear "Reach for it, mister." I spun around, and there I was standing face to face with a six year old kid. Well, I just laid down my guns and walked away. Little bastard shot me in the ass. So I limped to the nearest saloon, crawled inside a whiskey bottle, and I've been there ever since.
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[Lili von Schtupp has lured Bart back to her room]
Lili Von Shtupp: Is it true how zey say zat you people are... gifted?
[Lights go out, sound of zipper opening]
Lili Von Shtupp: Oh. It's twue. It's twue.
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[Lili Von Schtupp offers Bart a gigantic sausage]
Lili Von Shtupp: Would you like another schnitzengruben?
Bart: No, thank you. Fifteen is my limit on schnitzengruben.
Lili Von Shtupp: Well how about a little...
[whispers in his ear]
Bart: [shocked] Baby. I'm not from Havana.
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[to two members of the KKK]
Jim: Oh boys, lookee what I got heyuh.
Bart: Hey, where the white women at.
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[Bart and Jim are wearing KKK outfits to infiltrate the enemy's lynch mob]
Jim: [spotting Bart's black hands] How many times have I told you to wash your hands after a weekly cross burning?
[Taggart whips off Bart's hood]
Bart: For my next impression, Jesse Owens.
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[the lynch mob comes across a toll-booth in the middle of the desert]
Taggart: Someone's gotta go back for a shit-load of dimes.
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[Jim: The Waco Kid has just shot the guns out of the hands of a dozen henchmen]
Bart: Don't just stand there clasping your hands in pain... How about a round of applause for The Waco Kid?
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Adolf Hitler: They lose me right after the bunker scene.
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Buddy Bizarre: Cut, cut, cut, this is a closed set.
Taggart: Piss on you, I'm working for Mel Brooks.
[Winds up to punch Buddy Bizarre]
Buddy Bizarre: Not the face. Not the face.
[Taggart complies, punching him in the stomach]
Buddy Bizarre: [collapsing] Thank you.
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Hedley Lamarr: You will be risking your lives, whilst I will be risking an almost-certain Academy Award nomination for the Best Supporting Actor.
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Jim: Another twenty-five years and you'll be able to shake their hands in broad daylight.
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Taggart: I hired you people to try to get a little track laid, not to jump around like a bunch of Kansas City faggots.
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Hedley Lamarr: Unfortunately there is one thing standing between me and that property - the rightful owners.
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Hedley Lamarr: Qualifications?
Applicant: Rape, murder, arson, and rape.
Hedley Lamarr: You said rape twice.
Applicant: I like rape.
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Bart: Now, I suppose you're all wondering just what in the heck you're doing out here in the middle of a prairie in the middle of nowhere in the middle of the night.
Crowd: You bet your ass.
Bart: I'm hip.
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Hedley Lamarr: My mind is aglow with whirling, transient nodes of thought careening thru a cosmic vapor of invention.
Taggart: Ditto.
Hedley Lamarr: "Ditto"? "Ditto," you provincial putz?
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Bart: What's your name?
Jim: Well, my name is Jim, but most people call me... Jim.
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Jim: Where you goin'?
Bart: Oh, nowhere special.
Jim: Nowhere special. Always wanted to go there.
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Taggart: I got it.
Hedley Lamarr: What?
Taggart: Let's kill every first born male child in Rock Ridge.
Hedley Lamarr: Nah, too Jewish.
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Taggart: What do you want me to do sir?
Hedley Lamarr: I want you to round up ever vicious criminal and gun slinger in the west. Take this down.
[Taggart looks for a pen and paper while Hedley talks]
Hedley Lamarr: I want rustlers, cut throats, murderers, bounty hunters, desperados, mugs, pugs, thugs, nitwits, halfwits, dimwits, vipers, snipers, con men, Indian agents, Mexican bandits, muggers, buggerers, bushwhackers, hornswogglers, horse thieves, bull dykes, train robbers, bank robbers, ass-kickers, shit-kickers and Methodists.
Taggart: [finding pen and paper] Could you repeat that, sir?
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Reporter: Sir, those are dummies.
Governor William J. Le Petomane: How do you think I got elected?
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Hedley Lamarr: Where's my froggy?
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Henchman: We'll head them off at the pass.
Hedley Lamarr: Head them off at the pass? I hate that cliché.
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[Rev. Johnson is addressing the town]
Reverend Johnson: Order, order. Goddamnit I said "order".
Howard Johnson: Y'know, Nietzsche says: "Out of chaos comes order."
Olson Johnson: Oh, blow it out your ass, Howard.
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Reverend Johnson: Now I don't have to tell you good folks what's been happening in our beloved little town. Sheriff murdered, crops burned, stores looted, people stampeded, and cattle raped. The time has come to act, and act fast. I'm leaving.
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Reverend Johnson: We will now read from Matthew, Mark, Luke...
[stick of dynamite sails in through window]
Reverend Johnson: ... and DUCK.
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Hedley Lamarr: Maybe I could turn this thing into my advantage... if I could find a sheriff who so offends the citizens of Rock Ridge that his very *appearance* would drive them out of town.
[to camera]
Hedley Lamarr: But where would I find such a man?
[pause]
Hedley Lamarr: ... Why am I asking you?
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[a gang, bent on destruction, reaches a tollbooth]
Taggart: Anybody got a dime? Somebody's gotta go back and get a shitload a' dimes.
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Bart: [holding his own gun to his head] Nobody moves or the ****** gets it.
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[Hedley gives Lili a bunch of flowers]
Hedley Lamarr: For you, my dear.
Lili Von Shtupp: Oh... how ordinawy
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Governor William J. Le Petomane: Thank you, Hedy, thank you
Hedley Lamarr: It's not *Hedy*, it's *Hedley*. Hedley Lamarr.
Governor William J. Le Petomane: What the hell are you worried about? This is 1874. You'll be able to sue *her*.
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[repeated line]
Lili Von Shtupp: Willkommen. Bienvenue. Welcome. C'mon in.
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Bart: Well raise my rent. You are The Kid.
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[Hedley is at Graumann's Chinese Theater]
Female tourist: Look, Irv. I'm in Heddy Lamar's shoes.
Hedley Lamarr: [running by] HEDLEY.
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[after meeting black pioneers]
Indian Chief: Oy vey. They're darker than we are.
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Buddy's Singers: Throw out your hands. / Stick out your tush. / Hands on your hips, give 'em a push. / You'll be surprised you're doing the French mistake. / Voila.
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[When Taggart learns Bart is the new sheriff of Rock Ridge]
Taggart: Now if that don't beat all. Here we take the good time and trouble to slaughter every last Indian in the West, and for what? So we can appoint a sheriff that's blacker than any Indian. I AM depressed.
Lyle: Excuse me, Mr. Taggart, sir, but I sure do hate to see you like this. What if me and the boys was to shoot that ****** dead? Would that pep you up some?
Taggart: That might help . . .
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Olson Johnson: All right, we'll give some land to the niggers and the chinks, but we DON'T WANT THE IRISH.
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Singer: "Blazing Saddles": He conquered fear, and he conquered hate, / He turned our night into day, / He made his blazing saddle / A torch to light the way...
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Bart: Sir, he specifically requested two "niggers". Well, to tell the family secret, my grandmother was Dutch.
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Buddy Bizarre: Follow me, faggots!
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[Harriet Johnson reads her letter to the Governor]
Harriet Johnson: [quietly] To the honorable William J. LePetomaine, Governor . . .
Townspeople: Louder! We can't hear you!
Harriet Johnson: I'm not used to public speaking... WE THE WHITE, GODFEARING CITIZENS OF ROCK RIDGE wish to express our extreme displeasure with your choice of sheriff. Please remove him immediately. The fact that you have sent him here just goes to prove that you are the leading asshole in the state!
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[Bart is bidding farewell to the people of Rock Ridge]
Bart: Work here is done. I'm needed elsewhere now. I'm needed wherever outlaws rule the West, wherever innocent women and children are afraid to walk the streets, wherever a man cannot live in simple dignity, wherever a people cry out for justice.
Crowd: [in unison] BULLSHIT!
Bart: All right, you caught me. Speaking the plain truth is getting pretty damn dull around here.
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Bart: [Mongo walks down the street past a mannequin-like, penny-arcade-style "gunslinger" - Bart's voice is distorted and seems to be coming from the penny-arcade machine] I'm the marshal in this here town, and you're nothin' but a big fat ferret.
[Mongo starts to pull his gun on the offending "marshal"]
Bart: Hold it! If you wanna draw on me, put a quarter in the machine.
[Mongo deposits a quarter in the appropriate slot]
Bart: Ready? Now draw on the count of three. One, two...
[Mongo is about to draw when the "marshal" falls away to reveal a cannon, which blasts Mongo in the face - we can now see that Bart has been throwing his voice with a bullhorn]
Bart: ... Three.
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Bart: [dressed up as a carnival barker, Bart stands before a big sign, in front of the Rock Ridge town well] Step right up, ladies and gentlemen and... Mongos! Dive, dive, dive, for buried treasure! This is the exact spot where the Spanish Armada was sunk by the British Navy, leaving millions and millions of Spanish Dubloons at the bottom of the sea!
Mongo: [excited] Spanish balloons?
Bart: Right on!
Mongo: Mongo take chance!
Mongo: [Bart has dressed Mongo up in an antique diving suit, complete with helmet and hose] Hey, how Mongo get air?
Bart: [pointing out for him] From this wonderful antique pump. Good hunting!
Bart: [Mongo has reached the bottom of the well and is looking around at...? Above, Bart lets the pump stop] Time for my lunch break.
[a sign is lowered for Mongo: "For more air, deposit 25 cents"]
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[at the campfire]
Lyle: How 'bout more beans Mr. Taggart?
Taggart: [fans his hat in the air] I'd say you had enough!
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Taggart: What in the wide, wide world of sports is a-goin' on here?
Mine is Blazing Saddles Just to let you know why, look at these funny lines. I also love History of the World Part 1. Producers of course is good
Collected by www.imbd.com
WARNING FOR STRONG LANGUAGE
[to himself, after fooling the town]
Bart: Oh, baby, you're *so* talented... and they are *so* dumb.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Hedley Lamarr: Repeat after me: I...
Men: I...
Hedley Lamarr: ...your name...
Men: ...your name...
Hedley Lamarr: [to himself] Shmucks.
[aloud]
Hedley Lamarr: ... do pledge allegiance...
Men: ...do pledge allegiance...
Hedley Lamarr: ...to Hedley Lamarr...
Men: ...to Hedy Lamarr...
Hedley Lamarr: That's *Hedley*.
Men: That's Hedley.
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Lili Von Shtupp: Is that a ten-gallon hat, or are you just enjoying the show?
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Lili Von Shtupp: A wed wose, how womantic.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
[Recalling his gunfighting career]
Jim: I must have killed more men than Cecil B. DeMille.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Bart: Are we awake?
Jim: We're not sure. Are we black?
Bart: Yes, we are.
Jim: Then we're awake, but very puzzled.
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Lili Von Shtupp: [singing] Here I stand, the goddess of desire / Set men on fire / I have this power. / Morning, noon, and night, it's dwink and dancing / Some quick womancing / And then a shower. / Stage door Johnnies constantly suwwound me / They always hound me, with one wequest. / Who can satisfy their lustful habits? / I'm not a wabbit. / I need some west.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Church Congregation: [singing] Now is a time of great decision / Are we to stay or up and quit? / There's no avoiding this conclusion: / Our town is turning into shit. Amen.
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Mexican Bandit: Badges? We don't need no stinking badges.
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[Jim downs a bottle of whiskey in one long guzzle]
Bart: A man drink like that and he don't eat, he is going to DIE.
Jim: When?
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Bart: Mornin', ma'am. And isn't it a lovely mornin'?
Elderly woman: Up yours ******.
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Lili Von Shtupp: [singing] I'm tired of men always coming and going, going and coming and always too soon.
[spoken]
Lili Von Shtupp: Vat am I, a rabbit?
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Bart: I better go check out this Mongo character.
[Bart reaches for his gun]
Jim: Oh no, don't do that.
Bart: Why not?
Jim: If you shoot him, you'll just make him mad.
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[Bart, disguised as a Klansman, describes his qualifications as a villain]
Bart: Stampeding cattle.
Hedley Lamarr: That's not much of a crime.
Bart: Through the Vatican?
Hedley Lamarr: [smiling] Kinky. Sign here.
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Mongo: Mongo only pawn... in game of life.
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Jim: Uh-oh, Bart. I think Mongo here's taken a liking to you.
Mongo: Huh-huh, naw, Mongo straight.
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Taggart: I got it. I got it.
Hedley Lamarr: You do?
Taggart: We'll work up a "Number 6" on 'em.
Hedley Lamarr: "Number 6"? I'm afraid I'm not familiar with that one...
Taggart: Well, that's where we go a-ridin' into town, a whampin' and whompin' every livin' thing that moves within an inch of its life. Except the women folks, of course.
Hedley Lamarr: You spare the women?
Taggart: NAW. We rape the shit out of them at the Number 6 Dance later on.
Hedley Lamarr: Marvelous.
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Jim: You've got to remember that these are just simple farmers. These are people of the land. The common clay of the new West. You know... morons.
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Hedley Lamarr: Meeting adjourned. Oh, I am sorry sir I didn't mean to overstep my bounds, you say that.
Governor William J. Le Petomane: What?
Hedley Lamarr: Meeting is adjourned.
Governor William J. Le Petomane: It is?
Hedley Lamarr: No, you say that governor.
Governor William J. Le Petomane: What?
Hedley Lamarr: Meeting is adjourned.
Governor William J. Le Petomane: It is?
Hedley Lamarr: Here sir, play with this.
[Hands the governor a rubber ball and paddle set]
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Lili Von Shtupp: Hello, cowboy. Wha's your name?
Tex: Tex, Ma'am.
Lili Von Shtupp: Texmam? Well, tell me Texmam, are you in show business?
Tex: Well, no, ma'am.
Lilly von Schtupp: Then why don't you get your fwiggin' feet off o' the stage.
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Lyle: The way you was lollygagging with them picks and shovels, you would think it was a hundred and twenty degrees out here. Can't be more 'n a hundred and fourteen.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Gabby Johnson: I wash born here, an I wash raished here, and dad gum it, I am gonna die here, an no sidewindin bushwackin, hornswaglin, cracker croaker is gonna rouin me bishen cutter.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
[the railway crew discover quicksand up ahead, and one of them offers to ride up ahead to check it out]
Taggart: Horses? We can't afford to lose no horses. Send over a couple o' niggers.
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[Taggart spots two workers on a hand-cart sinking into quicksand]
Taggart: Oh shit. Quick.
[Lassos the hand-cart and drags it (but not the men) out of the quicksand]
Taggart: Dang that was lucky. Doggone near lost a four hundred dollar handcart.
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Taggart: Break's over, boys. Don't just lay there gettin' a suntan, ain't gonna do you no good anyhow. Now take this shovel and put it to some good use.
[Bart grabs a shovel and advances on Taggart from behind]
Charlie: Don't do it, Bart.
Bart: Uh-uh, baby, I have to.
Taggart: [to Lyle] Now send a wire to the main office and tell them that I said
[Bart whacks him]
Taggart: OW.
Lyle: Send wire, main office, tell them I said ow, gotcha.
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[the Governor is having trouble putting his pen back into its holder]
Hedley Lamarr: Think of your secretary...
[the pen goes straight in]
Governor William J. Le Petomane: Thank you. That's a good one.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Hedley Lamarr: My mind is a raging torrent, flooded with rivulets of thought cascading into a waterfall of creative alternatives.
Taggart: God darnit Mr. Lamarr, you use your tongue prettier than a twenty dollar whore.
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[Bart returns unexpectedly after being sentenced to death]
Charlie: They said you was hung.
Bart: And they was right.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
[Gabby Johnson (on the roof of the church) spots the new sheriff riding into town]
Gabby Johnson: [shouting] The sheriff's a ******.
[the last word is lost in the peal of a church bell]
Harriett Van Johnson: What did he say?
Dr. Sam Johnson: He said the sheriff is near.
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[Dr. Sam Johnson (with laurel wreath in hand) greets Bart (the new sheriff), reading from a piece of paper, not realizing that Bart is black]
Howard Johnson: As chairman of the welcoming committee, it's a pleasure to present a Laurel and Hardy handshake to our new
[finally looks up]
Howard Johnson: ... ******.
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Bart: You be my guest, and I be your host. What be your pleasure, Jim?
Jim: I don't know... play chess... screw...
Bart: [quickly] Let's play chess.
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[Bart on grandstand to the townspeople]
Bart: Excuse me while I whip this out.
[Bart reaches into waistline as crowd gasps and screams. Bart pulls out paper]
Crowd: Ahhhhh.
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[describing how everyone wanted to duel him when he was The Waco Kid]
Jim: Then one day I hear "Reach for it, mister." I spun around, and there I was standing face to face with a six year old kid. Well, I just laid down my guns and walked away. Little bastard shot me in the ass. So I limped to the nearest saloon, crawled inside a whiskey bottle, and I've been there ever since.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
[Lili von Schtupp has lured Bart back to her room]
Lili Von Shtupp: Is it true how zey say zat you people are... gifted?
[Lights go out, sound of zipper opening]
Lili Von Shtupp: Oh. It's twue. It's twue.
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[Lili Von Schtupp offers Bart a gigantic sausage]
Lili Von Shtupp: Would you like another schnitzengruben?
Bart: No, thank you. Fifteen is my limit on schnitzengruben.
Lili Von Shtupp: Well how about a little...
[whispers in his ear]
Bart: [shocked] Baby. I'm not from Havana.
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[to two members of the KKK]
Jim: Oh boys, lookee what I got heyuh.
Bart: Hey, where the white women at.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
[Bart and Jim are wearing KKK outfits to infiltrate the enemy's lynch mob]
Jim: [spotting Bart's black hands] How many times have I told you to wash your hands after a weekly cross burning?
[Taggart whips off Bart's hood]
Bart: For my next impression, Jesse Owens.
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[the lynch mob comes across a toll-booth in the middle of the desert]
Taggart: Someone's gotta go back for a shit-load of dimes.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
[Jim: The Waco Kid has just shot the guns out of the hands of a dozen henchmen]
Bart: Don't just stand there clasping your hands in pain... How about a round of applause for The Waco Kid?
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Adolf Hitler: They lose me right after the bunker scene.
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Buddy Bizarre: Cut, cut, cut, this is a closed set.
Taggart: Piss on you, I'm working for Mel Brooks.
[Winds up to punch Buddy Bizarre]
Buddy Bizarre: Not the face. Not the face.
[Taggart complies, punching him in the stomach]
Buddy Bizarre: [collapsing] Thank you.
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Hedley Lamarr: You will be risking your lives, whilst I will be risking an almost-certain Academy Award nomination for the Best Supporting Actor.
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Jim: Another twenty-five years and you'll be able to shake their hands in broad daylight.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Taggart: I hired you people to try to get a little track laid, not to jump around like a bunch of Kansas City faggots.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Hedley Lamarr: Unfortunately there is one thing standing between me and that property - the rightful owners.
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Hedley Lamarr: Qualifications?
Applicant: Rape, murder, arson, and rape.
Hedley Lamarr: You said rape twice.
Applicant: I like rape.
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Bart: Now, I suppose you're all wondering just what in the heck you're doing out here in the middle of a prairie in the middle of nowhere in the middle of the night.
Crowd: You bet your ass.
Bart: I'm hip.
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Hedley Lamarr: My mind is aglow with whirling, transient nodes of thought careening thru a cosmic vapor of invention.
Taggart: Ditto.
Hedley Lamarr: "Ditto"? "Ditto," you provincial putz?
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Bart: What's your name?
Jim: Well, my name is Jim, but most people call me... Jim.
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Jim: Where you goin'?
Bart: Oh, nowhere special.
Jim: Nowhere special. Always wanted to go there.
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Taggart: I got it.
Hedley Lamarr: What?
Taggart: Let's kill every first born male child in Rock Ridge.
Hedley Lamarr: Nah, too Jewish.
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Taggart: What do you want me to do sir?
Hedley Lamarr: I want you to round up ever vicious criminal and gun slinger in the west. Take this down.
[Taggart looks for a pen and paper while Hedley talks]
Hedley Lamarr: I want rustlers, cut throats, murderers, bounty hunters, desperados, mugs, pugs, thugs, nitwits, halfwits, dimwits, vipers, snipers, con men, Indian agents, Mexican bandits, muggers, buggerers, bushwhackers, hornswogglers, horse thieves, bull dykes, train robbers, bank robbers, ass-kickers, shit-kickers and Methodists.
Taggart: [finding pen and paper] Could you repeat that, sir?
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Reporter: Sir, those are dummies.
Governor William J. Le Petomane: How do you think I got elected?
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Hedley Lamarr: Where's my froggy?
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Henchman: We'll head them off at the pass.
Hedley Lamarr: Head them off at the pass? I hate that cliché.
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[Rev. Johnson is addressing the town]
Reverend Johnson: Order, order. Goddamnit I said "order".
Howard Johnson: Y'know, Nietzsche says: "Out of chaos comes order."
Olson Johnson: Oh, blow it out your ass, Howard.
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Reverend Johnson: Now I don't have to tell you good folks what's been happening in our beloved little town. Sheriff murdered, crops burned, stores looted, people stampeded, and cattle raped. The time has come to act, and act fast. I'm leaving.
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Reverend Johnson: We will now read from Matthew, Mark, Luke...
[stick of dynamite sails in through window]
Reverend Johnson: ... and DUCK.
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Hedley Lamarr: Maybe I could turn this thing into my advantage... if I could find a sheriff who so offends the citizens of Rock Ridge that his very *appearance* would drive them out of town.
[to camera]
Hedley Lamarr: But where would I find such a man?
[pause]
Hedley Lamarr: ... Why am I asking you?
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[a gang, bent on destruction, reaches a tollbooth]
Taggart: Anybody got a dime? Somebody's gotta go back and get a shitload a' dimes.
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Bart: [holding his own gun to his head] Nobody moves or the ****** gets it.
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[Hedley gives Lili a bunch of flowers]
Hedley Lamarr: For you, my dear.
Lili Von Shtupp: Oh... how ordinawy
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Governor William J. Le Petomane: Thank you, Hedy, thank you
Hedley Lamarr: It's not *Hedy*, it's *Hedley*. Hedley Lamarr.
Governor William J. Le Petomane: What the hell are you worried about? This is 1874. You'll be able to sue *her*.
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[repeated line]
Lili Von Shtupp: Willkommen. Bienvenue. Welcome. C'mon in.
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Bart: Well raise my rent. You are The Kid.
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[Hedley is at Graumann's Chinese Theater]
Female tourist: Look, Irv. I'm in Heddy Lamar's shoes.
Hedley Lamarr: [running by] HEDLEY.
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[after meeting black pioneers]
Indian Chief: Oy vey. They're darker than we are.
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Buddy's Singers: Throw out your hands. / Stick out your tush. / Hands on your hips, give 'em a push. / You'll be surprised you're doing the French mistake. / Voila.
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[When Taggart learns Bart is the new sheriff of Rock Ridge]
Taggart: Now if that don't beat all. Here we take the good time and trouble to slaughter every last Indian in the West, and for what? So we can appoint a sheriff that's blacker than any Indian. I AM depressed.
Lyle: Excuse me, Mr. Taggart, sir, but I sure do hate to see you like this. What if me and the boys was to shoot that ****** dead? Would that pep you up some?
Taggart: That might help . . .
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Olson Johnson: All right, we'll give some land to the niggers and the chinks, but we DON'T WANT THE IRISH.
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Singer: "Blazing Saddles": He conquered fear, and he conquered hate, / He turned our night into day, / He made his blazing saddle / A torch to light the way...
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Bart: Sir, he specifically requested two "niggers". Well, to tell the family secret, my grandmother was Dutch.
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Buddy Bizarre: Follow me, faggots!
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[Harriet Johnson reads her letter to the Governor]
Harriet Johnson: [quietly] To the honorable William J. LePetomaine, Governor . . .
Townspeople: Louder! We can't hear you!
Harriet Johnson: I'm not used to public speaking... WE THE WHITE, GODFEARING CITIZENS OF ROCK RIDGE wish to express our extreme displeasure with your choice of sheriff. Please remove him immediately. The fact that you have sent him here just goes to prove that you are the leading asshole in the state!
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[Bart is bidding farewell to the people of Rock Ridge]
Bart: Work here is done. I'm needed elsewhere now. I'm needed wherever outlaws rule the West, wherever innocent women and children are afraid to walk the streets, wherever a man cannot live in simple dignity, wherever a people cry out for justice.
Crowd: [in unison] BULLSHIT!
Bart: All right, you caught me. Speaking the plain truth is getting pretty damn dull around here.
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Bart: [Mongo walks down the street past a mannequin-like, penny-arcade-style "gunslinger" - Bart's voice is distorted and seems to be coming from the penny-arcade machine] I'm the marshal in this here town, and you're nothin' but a big fat ferret.
[Mongo starts to pull his gun on the offending "marshal"]
Bart: Hold it! If you wanna draw on me, put a quarter in the machine.
[Mongo deposits a quarter in the appropriate slot]
Bart: Ready? Now draw on the count of three. One, two...
[Mongo is about to draw when the "marshal" falls away to reveal a cannon, which blasts Mongo in the face - we can now see that Bart has been throwing his voice with a bullhorn]
Bart: ... Three.
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Bart: [dressed up as a carnival barker, Bart stands before a big sign, in front of the Rock Ridge town well] Step right up, ladies and gentlemen and... Mongos! Dive, dive, dive, for buried treasure! This is the exact spot where the Spanish Armada was sunk by the British Navy, leaving millions and millions of Spanish Dubloons at the bottom of the sea!
Mongo: [excited] Spanish balloons?
Bart: Right on!
Mongo: Mongo take chance!
Mongo: [Bart has dressed Mongo up in an antique diving suit, complete with helmet and hose] Hey, how Mongo get air?
Bart: [pointing out for him] From this wonderful antique pump. Good hunting!
Bart: [Mongo has reached the bottom of the well and is looking around at...? Above, Bart lets the pump stop] Time for my lunch break.
[a sign is lowered for Mongo: "For more air, deposit 25 cents"]
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[at the campfire]
Lyle: How 'bout more beans Mr. Taggart?
Taggart: [fans his hat in the air] I'd say you had enough!
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Taggart: What in the wide, wide world of sports is a-goin' on here?