NationStates Jolt Archive

Snapshot: the suburbs of Montreal, late 70s. The scene: Early summer, late one Saturday morning at the split-level abode of John Meek, now deceased. Present: The aforementioned Mr. Meek and my late father Jim, both of whom were deep into their second or third bottle of Molson Export when our story begins.

With the rest of the Meek family out on a sunny suburban Saturday, John & my Dad were kicking back in the kitchen, talking politics as usual, when there came a ringing at the doorbell. John Meek glanced out toward the hallway, and muttered under his breath, 'Ahh shit, it's those Mormons again - give me a second, let me get rid of them' to which my father replied, 'No, John, wait. Let me have some fun with them. Let me pretend to be the Man of the house, okay?'

John Meek had no idea what my father intended, and to be fair, neither did my father, really. In later years he admitted that more than anything, he just liked waylaying evangelical Christians so as to prevent them from completing their annoying door-to-door canvasses of our neighbourhood. Sort of a friendly roadblock, I guess. Anyway, my father did indeed make his way to the front door, and waiting patiently, in their starched white shirts with the big black rectangular name plates, there stood on the front porch two Mormon Missionaries, smiles firmly affixed to their sweating faces.

My father began by asking them if they'd like a beer, which they politely declined. John Meek stood in the doorway as well, wanting a front-row seat for whatever it was my father had in mind for this ecumenical encounter. My Dad asked them where they were from (Utah, natch), and seized upon this to expound at length on the origins of the Church of Latter-Day Saints.

He was trying to steer the conversation toward the earliest days of their Church, to playfully provoke some sort of defense of Joseph Smith, but somehow he never got much past the issue of polygamy. On this subject he lavished much time and attention, saying how he 'could understand the need' for the Mormons to bolster their initial numbers by breeding in this manner.

That got a cool response, the two missionaries obviously quite uncomfortable with this frank, open discussion. Their stated position was that while that may at one time have been considered acceptable within their church, that State laws had prohibited this for quite some time. While they claimed to value my father's seeming support for their cause, they nonetheless were trying to regain control of this exchange, but to no avail. All the while, my father kept returning to this one point.

Without warning, John Meek's wife, Shirley, pulled into the driveway. She'd been out shopping that morning and had just returned with a station-wagon full with bags of groceries. John looked over my Dad's shoulder to see what was going on, knowing if he didn't go out and help, he'd probably catch some flack, but my father didn't want the missionaries to get wind that he wasn't actually the Man of this particular house, so he remained standing in the doorway while Shirley began unloading the car.

He spoke in a raised voice, saying, 'Oh! Look! It's my - WIFE, SHIRLEY - back from picking up the groceries!'...he'd thought he might be able to tip Shirley off that he was caught in the middle of a devious leg-pull, and might she play along?

Shirley, without missing a beat, turned and said, in just as loud a voice, 'Why yes! That's my HUSBAND, JIM -', and then, pointing past my father,' and THAT'S my OTHER HUSBAND, JOHN! Now would one of my husbands like to help me with these groceries?'

The missionaries, stunned into silence, exchanged glances and left without saying another word. And that was the day my father mortified the mormon missionaries.

- DT.

That...is awesome.

I did hear a story about someone who would always greet any Mormon door-knockers completely naked. :D

u should write a book... ;)

One summer, back in the early eighties, my little brother and I were stuck at home with nothing to do. Various LDS, JW, and other door-to-door evangelical types had been pestering the neighborhood for weeks. One day, we got three in a space of about 4 or 5 hours. The fourth was greeted with a double "full moon"....

We don't ever get mormons around here :(

HAHAHAHA!!! Oh, thanks for that.

They're just starting to creep into my area...

For a while I was getting hassled by them every day while waiting for my train. They got to know me and continued to work on me. I just came out one day and told them "God is dead. Now fuck off." They did.

My best friend Tim had gotten back late from his prom, and so fell asleep on his couch, still in his scarlet tuxedo with the black cummerbund.

When there came a knock at the door, he rose, put on his jacket, and went to see who it was.

Lo and behold, two Mormons who started giving him the long intro.

He raised a hand, smiled at them and said "Sorry, fellas, I work for the other side."

I love it!

Your dad rocks. :D

That...is awesome.

I did hear a story about someone who would always greet any Mormon door-knockers completely naked. :D

Perhaps he should follow that up by making a theological point on the nature of original sin, relating Adam and Eve's nudity to sinlessness. They only started wearing clothes when they got sin... so surely clothes are sinful?
It'd be fun to see their reactions.

Mikorlias of Imardeavia

Perhaps he should follow that up by making a theological point on the nature of original sin, relating Adam and Eve's nudity to sinlessness. They only started wearing clothes when they got sin... so surely clothes are sinful?
It'd be fun to see their reactions.

Obviously you've thought about that a bit too much :p

I remember my mother answering the door to Mormon missionary's, she seemed to be gone a long time so I went to see what was keeping her.
She had the two Mormons cornered in the front hall and was preaching to them about the values and moralities of the Church of Scotland, she completely turned the tables on them and was doing her level best to "recruit" them to her chosen religion.
When one of them actually got a word in and said "Excuse me ma'am, but our mission is to spread the word of the Latter day saints" my mother said to them that no church worth it's salt would send door to door salesmen to recruit people, they would let people find them instead.

I love my mum, she doesn't mind that I am an Athiest.

One time, I stood there at the front door, ostentatively scratching my balls when 3 Jehova's Witnesses (of whom 2 older ladies) gave their little lecture. They must have been in automatic mode, since they didn't seem to notice.

That was hilarious!
There is just one thing I have to comment on. You imply that Mormons are evangelical Christians. They are not even Christians. Mormonism has nothing to do with Christianity, it is a cult, like the Jehovah's Witnesses. Just had to point that out.
Hehe, I've done that Blobites. Fun stuff.

Damn Mormons, coming to this country and stealing our jobs and our women

In Australia a few years ago (1999 I think), a couple of Mormons called in on a couple of guys who had just made a big batch of dope cookies. He invited them in and sat with them while they chatted about God etc. All the time munching out on said cookies. After having a dozen(!) each they left on their mission to save a few more souls.
Unfortunately the cookies took effect while they were riding. They ended up in Hospital with extreme shakes, vision problems and co-ordination problems.

While I admit it was a bit cruel - especially because if you don't know you're drugged (and don't know what to expect) it must be a pretty frightening experience. However, I have to point out that it was pretty bloody greedy of the pigs to eat a dozen cookies each! I would never be that rude to sit down in a stranger's (or anyone for that matter) house and eat their entire batch of home-made cookies, regardless of what they are. That is just plain rude. It also sums them up I think - they feel they have the right to wander around bothering everyone and expect us all to be polite while they use up our time (and our cookies) telling us things we're not that interested in.

There was one day my mum wanted me to make chicken for our dinner since she was running late. I had fallen asleep and my ponytail came half out, and when I got up to make said chicken, I was too lazy to fix my madwoman-looking hair. Was in the middle of chopping some up with a nice big knife when some Jehovah's Witnesses came to the door.
I decided to answer it with my hair still spazzed out, the bloody knife firmly in hand, and a crazed grin on my face.
They politely excused themselves.
I can't wait until we get Mormons around here.

I love it when Jehova's Witnesses come to the door! I have even more fun with them than I do with fundamentalists. LOL! :D

Are there any Jehova's witnesses or Mormons here?

If so, can you tell me why you annoy and harrass people in their own homes?

Why do you feel the need to knock on doors and force your opinions and religion (for religion read cult) on others?

If your religion was so great people would find it for themselves, would they not?

(Question for JW's only) If your son or Daughter was terminally ill and only a blood transfusion could save them, why would you let them die rather than allow the transfusion, even if it was their own blood taken and cleaned of impurities?

just so you know, mormons arent christian

Hooey. There are some strident protistant sects who claim Catholics aren't Christian.

To any outside observer, it's pretty plain that while the LDS doesn't lay within mainstream protestantism, the most neutral definition of Christianity is those who worship Jesus as divine. The Mormons most definitely fall in the boundaries of Christianity.

Just because you don't like them doesn't mean they aren't Christians, bubba.

the LDS do not accept Jesus as the one god, they simply accept him as spiritually enlightened. kind of like a prophet. i have news: so does Islam. that doesn't make them christian.

as for protestant sects, as bad as the catholic church was, the protestants are far worse. they have mutilated the bible so much that if it wasn't for the names, i wouldn't know it was the bible.

as for protestant sects, as bad as the catholic church was, the protestants are far worse. they have mutilated the bible so much that if it wasn't for the names, i wouldn't know it was the bible.

This is part of the price we pay for allowing people to decide for themselves what they should or should not believe. Tsk! ;)

hardly anybody truly decides for themselves what to believe, and its not just in religion either. The bible was right to compare humans to sheep, because that is what we are

Actually Mormons are Christians. They judt decided to write the sequel to the Bible. The Mormon religion is also extremely racist. They believe that the native american tribes are descended from white people that were cursed by God and turned a different color for killing a bunch of Jewish white people.

This has been a Camel Eaters factoid.

by God, your father is brilliant.

A point of clarification, Mormons do indeed believe in Christ and also in the Diinity of Christ, they merely do not consider the trinity to be a singular entity, the old three-in-one, instead they consider Christ to be a seperate being from the Father.

that out of the way, my personal favorite is still to say to them, "Christ died for my sins, be a good Christian and do the same".

too bad we don't have these guys in France. I have so many thing to do to them... hehehe

Anyone here ever gotten a telephone call from the Scientologists? They're fun to mess with.

Nobody comes close to the Jehovah's Witnesses when it comes to making fun of them.

"So you claim you are a real religion?"

"Uh...yes sir and if you would let us..."

"And your sure your not brainwashed?"

"But...bu...uh yes, I'm positive sir, but as I was trying..."

"But if you were brainwashed would you even know it?"

"I assume that God..."

"Ah ha! Assume! You lose!"

"Pardon sir?"

*Proceed to glare at them, and slam the door closed*

Anyone here ever gotten a telephone call from the Scientologists? They're fun to mess with.

Tell us, please. :)

We have Jh's living next door to us. It's really funny, because they still light off fireworks, and still dress up on halloween. I think it's amusing because they claim they don't celebrate those holidays, but they kinda do anyhow. We don't have door to door people, so now way to mess with them. :( However with some of the telemarketing machines, if you say hello, they restart. Once i set a tape recorder saying hello by one, it was hilarious.

Anyone here ever gotten a telephone call from the Scientologists? They're fun to mess with.

Check the Scientology website...don't know what it is, sorry, but there's a test on there about your religious beliefs. Whatever you answer...and I really mean whatever, I've spent a few hours on there doing it...it tells you that your life would be enriched by joining the Scientologists.

Jehovah's Witnesses showed up at my house while I was smoking a show. You think I'm gonna stop hitting the bong for them? The whole time they're talking I just kept smoking, they probably got kicked out for smelling like weed.

Check the Scientology website...don't know what it is, sorry, but there's a test on there about your religious beliefs. Whatever you answer...and I really mean whatever, I've spent a few hours on there doing it...it tells you that your life would be enriched by joining the Scientologists.

Sounds like they've made an online version of their old infamous 'personality tests' - which I got suckered into taking (TWICE, believe it or what) back at the local Scientologist centre. It doesn't matter what you write, they'll always claim you need L. Ron Hubbard or Dianetics or whatever.

Talk about 'killing time' - man, I won't get those hours back. A certain portion of spacetime has me, trapped like a fly in amber, taking that fershlugginer test...yikes!

Thanks for all the kind words, BTW. My Dad was quite a guy when he was still around to draw breath. Sadly, he's been gone for more than a decade, but I have this (and other) stories to remember him by. If you're all amenable to it, I'll continue to tell some stories. I look at it this way - my time is better spent telling true stories than beating my skull to pieces trying to persuade people to look at current events through a different set of eyes.

It's like that thing the Unitarians taught me, if they draw a circle to keep me out, then I'll draw a circle to bring them in. My circle involves storytelling, and everyone is welcome to listen, anytime they want. Someone (UCSC, I just checked) suggested I try writing a book, and y'know - that's probably not such a bad idea. Maybe I should do just that.

Do you really think people'd want to read about this stuff, though? It just doesn't seem exciting enough that anyone'd care.

I was sitting around watching TV at my cousin's place with some of his roommates, when the JWs came to the door. We looked around, noticing beer on the floor, a porno magazine tucked into the Saturday paper, and a bucket full of pot water squarely in the center of the coffee table. We invited them in. Offered them several things which they declined. Then my associate Stoddard began questioning them, purposefully adding questions which were concerning the practices of other religions. "How many wives you fellas got?" he said. Bill piped in with "Hey, how many times a day do you gotta pray facing Jerusalem?" And I added, "They made that "Battlefield Earth" movie about you guys, right?"

They didn't stay long.

hehehe that's gold :)

Sounds like they've made an online version of their old infamous 'personality tests' - which I got suckered into taking (TWICE, believe it or what) back at the local Scientologist centre. It doesn't matter what you write, they'll always claim you need L. Ron Hubbard or Dianetics or whatever.

Talk about 'killing time' - man, I won't get those hours back. A certain portion of spacetime has me, trapped like a fly in amber, taking that fershlugginer test...yikes!

Thanks for all the kind words, BTW. My Dad was quite a guy when he was still around to draw breath. Sadly, he's been gone for more than a decade, but I have this (and other) stories to remember him by. If you're all amenable to it, I'll continue to tell some stories. I look at it this way - my time is better spent telling true stories than beating my skull to pieces trying to persuade people to look at current events through a different set of eyes.

It's like that thing the Unitarians taught me, if they draw a circle to keep me out, then I'll draw a circle to bring them in. My circle involves storytelling, and everyone is welcome to listen, anytime they want. Someone (UCSC, I just checked) suggested I try writing a book, and y'know - that's probably not such a bad idea. Maybe I should do just that.

Do you really think people'd want to read about this stuff, though? It just doesn't seem exciting enough that anyone'd care.

You bet! We here are losers with nothing better to do. Why not spend our worthless time reading funny stories?