Maryella
18-11-2004, 22:12
An article as read in the Times T2, by Hugo Rifkind.
We, the People of the Republic, in order to form a perfect haven, ensure domestic tranquillity, promote the general welfare and secure the blessings of nicotine, do ordain and establish this constitution for the Smoker's Republic of Tobakistan.
Section 1- foundation.
The Smoker's Republic of Tobakistan shall come into being on the day that the white paper becomes law.
The name "Tobakistan" is final.Others have already been considered."Fagistan" has obvious problems, and "Smokistan" sounds like a comic cowboy.
The borders of Tobakistan shall be established in a remote region of the United Kingdom.Current thinking favours rural Wales.This will ensure that only the truly commited are able to join us.
Embassies shall be established across the UK, for our brethren in need.As nearby worried parents flee and property prices collapse, so shall our territory expand.
Section 2- governance.
The president of Tobakistan shall be a smoker of renown.Charles Kennedy, Peter Kilfoyle and Keith Richards are being considered.The President shall be known as The Big Wheeze.
There shall be a minister of information.His/her job shall be to inform the populace of cheap duty free deals.
There shall be a Navy.Its job will be to hijack passing shipments of the Blessed Weed.
There shall be a NHS. It shall be largely funded by British American Tobacco, Imperial Tobacco and Philip Morris International. So, no change there.
Section 3- culture.
We, the smokers, have yet to decide upon a national anthem. It shall be either "Cigarettes and Alcahol" by Oasis, or anything by Wishbone Ash.
The national filmshall be Jim Jarusch's "Coffee and cigarettes". Despite a population of around 300 (and shrinking), this is expected to take more than £50 million in it's opening weekend.
National sports shall be darts, snooker, and curling. Scottish sports, basically.
Ash shall become the nation's garnish of choice. Ritually,every waitress shall ask "Do you want ash with that?" and every citizen shall reply "Yes".
The national flag shall depict a no smoking sign cracked in two, like a broken plate.
Section 4- law and order.
It shall be illegal not to smoke in a public place.
Borders shall be patrolled dilligently. Immigrants will be examined for yellow stains and tested upon their ability to smoke three cigarettes simultaneously.
Any attempt to import patches, gum or inhalors shall be punishable by death.
Office workers who do not wish to smoke shall be forced to hang around in the cold outside their buildings.Collegues shall consider them timewasters.
We hearby resolve that this Nation, under God, shall have a new birth of freedom- and that this Government of Smokers, by smokers, for smokers, shall not perish from the Earth.(Not untill our mid fifties, at any rate).
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When I read this, I thought that The author must have been looking in on NS...
We, the People of the Republic, in order to form a perfect haven, ensure domestic tranquillity, promote the general welfare and secure the blessings of nicotine, do ordain and establish this constitution for the Smoker's Republic of Tobakistan.
Section 1- foundation.
The Smoker's Republic of Tobakistan shall come into being on the day that the white paper becomes law.
The name "Tobakistan" is final.Others have already been considered."Fagistan" has obvious problems, and "Smokistan" sounds like a comic cowboy.
The borders of Tobakistan shall be established in a remote region of the United Kingdom.Current thinking favours rural Wales.This will ensure that only the truly commited are able to join us.
Embassies shall be established across the UK, for our brethren in need.As nearby worried parents flee and property prices collapse, so shall our territory expand.
Section 2- governance.
The president of Tobakistan shall be a smoker of renown.Charles Kennedy, Peter Kilfoyle and Keith Richards are being considered.The President shall be known as The Big Wheeze.
There shall be a minister of information.His/her job shall be to inform the populace of cheap duty free deals.
There shall be a Navy.Its job will be to hijack passing shipments of the Blessed Weed.
There shall be a NHS. It shall be largely funded by British American Tobacco, Imperial Tobacco and Philip Morris International. So, no change there.
Section 3- culture.
We, the smokers, have yet to decide upon a national anthem. It shall be either "Cigarettes and Alcahol" by Oasis, or anything by Wishbone Ash.
The national filmshall be Jim Jarusch's "Coffee and cigarettes". Despite a population of around 300 (and shrinking), this is expected to take more than £50 million in it's opening weekend.
National sports shall be darts, snooker, and curling. Scottish sports, basically.
Ash shall become the nation's garnish of choice. Ritually,every waitress shall ask "Do you want ash with that?" and every citizen shall reply "Yes".
The national flag shall depict a no smoking sign cracked in two, like a broken plate.
Section 4- law and order.
It shall be illegal not to smoke in a public place.
Borders shall be patrolled dilligently. Immigrants will be examined for yellow stains and tested upon their ability to smoke three cigarettes simultaneously.
Any attempt to import patches, gum or inhalors shall be punishable by death.
Office workers who do not wish to smoke shall be forced to hang around in the cold outside their buildings.Collegues shall consider them timewasters.
We hearby resolve that this Nation, under God, shall have a new birth of freedom- and that this Government of Smokers, by smokers, for smokers, shall not perish from the Earth.(Not untill our mid fifties, at any rate).
----------------------------
When I read this, I thought that The author must have been looking in on NS...