NationStates Jolt Archive

NOTICE OF REVOCATION OF INDEPENDENCE

To the citizens of the United States of America, In the light of your
failure to produce proper cars and elect a competent President of the USA
and thus to govern yourselves, we hereby give notice of the revocation of
your independence, effective today.

Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will resume monarchical duties over
all states, commonwealths and other territories. Except Utah, which she does
not fancy. Your new prime minister (The Right Honourable Tony Blair, MP for
the 97.85% of you who have until now been unaware that there is a world
outside your borders) will appoint a minister for America without the need
for further elections. Congress and the Senate will be disbanded. A
questionnaire will be circulated next year to determine whether any of you
noticed. To aid in the transition to a British Crown Dependency, the
following rules are introduced with immediate effect:

1. You should look up "revocation" in the Oxford English Dictionary. Then
look up "aluminium". Check the pronunciation guide. You will be amazed at
just how wrongly you have been pronouncing it. The letter 'U' will be
reinstated in words such as 'favour' and 'neighbour', skipping the letter
'U' is nothing more than laziness on your part. Likewise, you will learn to
spell 'doughnut' without skipping half the letters. You will end your love
affair with the letter 'Z' (pronounced 'zed' not 'zee') and the suffix "ize"
will be replaced by the suffix "ise". You will learn that the suffix 'burgh
is pronounced 'burra' e.g. Edinburgh. You are welcome to respell Pittsburgh
as 'Pittsberg' if you can't cope with correct pronunciation. Generally, you
should raise your vocabulary to acceptable levels. Look up "vocabulary".
Using the same twenty seven words interspersed with filler noises such as
"like" and "you know" is an unacceptable and inefficient form of
communication. Look up "interspersed". There will be no more 'bleeps' in the
Jerry Springer show. If you're not old enough to cope with bad language then
you shouldn't have chat shows. When you learn to develop your vocabulary
then you won't have to use bad language as often.

2. There is no such thing as "US English". We will let Microsoft know on
your behalf. The Microsoft spell-checker will be adjusted to take account of
the reinstated letter 'u' and the elimination of "-ize".


3. You should learn to distinguish the English and Australian accents. It
really isn't that hard. English accents are not limited to cockney,
upper-class twit or Mancunian (Daphne in Frasier). You will also have to
learn how to understand regional accents - Scottish dramas such as "Taggart"
will no longer be broadcast with subtitles. While we're talking about
regions, you must learn that there is no such place as Devonshire in
England. The name of the county is "Devon". If you persist in calling it
Devonshire, all American States will become "shires" e.g. Texasshire,
Floridashire, Louisianashire.

4. Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English actors as the
good guys. Hollywood will be required to cast English actors to play English
characters. British sit-coms such as "Men Behaving Badly", "Fawlty Towers" or "Red Dwarf"
will not be re-cast and watered down for a wishy-washy American audience who
can't cope with the humour of occasional political incorrectness.

5. You should relearn your original national anthem, "God Save The Queen",
but only after fully carrying out task 1. We would not want you to get
confused and give up half way through.

6. You should stop playing American "football". There is only one kind of
football. What you refer to as American "football" is not a very good game.
The 2.15% of you who are aware that there is a world outside your borders
may have noticed that no one else plays "American" football. You will no
longer be allowed to play it, and should instead play proper football.
Initially, it would be best if you played with the girls. It is a difficult
game. Those of you brave enough will, in time, be allowed to play rugby
(which is similar to American "football", but does not involve stopping for
a rest every twenty seconds or wearing full kevlar body armour like
nancies). We are hoping to get together at least a US rugby sevens side by
2005. You should stop playing baseball. It is not reasonable to host an
event called the 'World Series' for a game which is not played outside of
America. Since only 2.15% of you are aware that there is a world beyond your
borders, your error is understandable. Instead of baseball, you will be
allowed to play a girls' game called "rounders" which is baseball without
fancy team strip, oversized gloves, collector cards or hotdogs.

7. You will no longer be allowed to own or carry guns. You will no longer be
allowed to own or carry anything more dangerous in public than a vegetable
peeler. Because we don't believe you are sensible enough to handle
potentially dangerous items, you will require a permit if you wish to carry
a vegetable peeler in public.

8. July 4th is no longer a public holiday. November 2nd will be a new
national holiday, but only in England. It will be called "Indecisive Day".

9. All American cars are hereby banned. They are crap and it is for your own
good. When we show you German cars, you will understand what we mean.
All road intersections will be replaced with roundabouts. You will start
driving on the left with immediate effect. At the same time, you will go
metric with immediate effect and without the benefit of conversion tables.
Roundabouts and metrication will help you understand the British sense of
humour.

10. You will learn to make real chips. Those things you call French fries
are not real chips. Fries aren't even French, they are Belgian though 97.85%
of you (including the guy who discovered fries while in Europe) are not
aware of a country called Belgium. Those things you insist on calling potato
chips are properly called "crisps". Real chips are thick cut and fried in
animal fat. The traditional accompaniment to chips is beer which should be
served warm and flat. Waitresses will be trained to be more aggressive with
customers.

11. As a sign of penance 5 grams of sea salt per cup will be added to all
tea made within the Commonwealth of Massachusetts, this quantity to be
doubled for tea made within the city of Boston itself.

12. The cold tasteless stuff you insist on calling beer is not actually beer
at all, it is lager. From November 1st only proper British Bitter will be
referred to as "beer", and European brews of known and accepted provenance
will be referred to as "Lager". The substances formerly known as "American
Beer" will henceforth be referred to as "Near-Frozen Knat's Urine", with the
exception of the product of the American Budweiser company whose product
will be referred to as "Weak Near-Frozen Knat's Urine". This will allow true
Budweiser (as manufactured for the last 1000 years in Pilsen, Czech
Republic) to be sold without risk of confusion.

13. From November 10th the UK will harmonise petrol (or "Gasoline" as you
will be permitted to keep calling it until April 1st 2005) prices with the
former USA. The UK will harmonise its prices to those of the former USA and
the Former USA will, in return, adopt UK petrol prices (roughly $6/US gallon
- get used to it).

14. You will learn to resolve personal issues without using guns, lawyers or
therapists. The fact that you need so many lawyers and therapists shows that
you're not adult enough to be independent. Guns should only be handled by
adults. If you're not adult enough to sort things out without suing someone
or speaking to a therapist then you're not grown up enough to handle a gun.

15. Please tell us who killed JFK. It's been driving us crazy. Tax
collectorsfrom Her Majesty's Government will be with you shortly to ensure
the acquisition of all revenues due (backdated to 1776).

Thank you for your co-operation

oh so old yet oh so funny :)

*claps*

Come and get us. You think you have armed insurgents in Iraq wait till you get a load of us.

...makes me laugh everytime.

Saw that back in 2000, but it is still entertaining.

NOTICE OF REVOCATION OF INDEPENDENCE

To the citizens of the United States of America, In the light of your
failure to produce proper cars and elect a competent President of the USA
and thus to govern yourselves, we hereby give notice of the revocation of
your independence, effective today.

Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will resume monarchical duties over
all states, commonwealths and other territories. Except Utah, which she does
not fancy. Your new prime minister (The Right Honourable Tony Blair, MP for
the 97.85% of you who have until now been unaware that there is a world
outside your borders) will appoint a minister for America without the need
for further elections. Congress and the Senate will be disbanded. A
questionnaire will be circulated next year to determine whether any of you
noticed. To aid in the transition to a British Crown Dependency, the
following rules are introduced with immediate effect:

1. You should look up "revocation" in the Oxford English Dictionary. Then
look up "aluminium". Check the pronunciation guide. You will be amazed at
just how wrongly you have been pronouncing it. The letter 'U' will be
reinstated in words such as 'favour' and 'neighbour', skipping the letter
'U' is nothing more than laziness on your part. Likewise, you will learn to
spell 'doughnut' without skipping half the letters. You will end your love
affair with the letter 'Z' (pronounced 'zed' not 'zee') and the suffix "ize"
will be replaced by the suffix "ise". You will learn that the suffix 'burgh
is pronounced 'burra' e.g. Edinburgh. You are welcome to respell Pittsburgh
as 'Pittsberg' if you can't cope with correct pronunciation. Generally, you
should raise your vocabulary to acceptable levels. Look up "vocabulary".
Using the same twenty seven words interspersed with filler noises such as
"like" and "you know" is an unacceptable and inefficient form of
communication. Look up "interspersed". There will be no more 'bleeps' in the
Jerry Springer show. If you're not old enough to cope with bad language then
you shouldn't have chat shows. When you learn to develop your vocabulary
then you won't have to use bad language as often.

2. There is no such thing as "US English". We will let Microsoft know on
your behalf. The Microsoft spell-checker will be adjusted to take account of
the reinstated letter 'u' and the elimination of "-ize".


3. You should learn to distinguish the English and Australian accents. It
really isn't that hard. English accents are not limited to cockney,
upper-class twit or Mancunian (Daphne in Frasier). You will also have to
learn how to understand regional accents - Scottish dramas such as "Taggart"
will no longer be broadcast with subtitles. While we're talking about
regions, you must learn that there is no such place as Devonshire in
England. The name of the county is "Devon". If you persist in calling it
Devonshire, all American States will become "shires" e.g. Texasshire,
Floridashire, Louisianashire.

4. Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English actors as the
good guys. Hollywood will be required to cast English actors to play English
characters. British sit-coms such as "Men Behaving Badly", "Fawlty Towers" or "Red Dwarf"
will not be re-cast and watered down for a wishy-washy American audience who
can't cope with the humour of occasional political incorrectness.

5. You should relearn your original national anthem, "God Save The Queen",
but only after fully carrying out task 1. We would not want you to get
confused and give up half way through.

6. You should stop playing American "football". There is only one kind of
football. What you refer to as American "football" is not a very good game.
The 2.15% of you who are aware that there is a world outside your borders
may have noticed that no one else plays "American" football. You will no
longer be allowed to play it, and should instead play proper football.
Initially, it would be best if you played with the girls. It is a difficult
game. Those of you brave enough will, in time, be allowed to play rugby
(which is similar to American "football", but does not involve stopping for
a rest every twenty seconds or wearing full kevlar body armour like
nancies). We are hoping to get together at least a US rugby sevens side by
2005. You should stop playing baseball. It is not reasonable to host an
event called the 'World Series' for a game which is not played outside of
America. Since only 2.15% of you are aware that there is a world beyond your
borders, your error is understandable. Instead of baseball, you will be
allowed to play a girls' game called "rounders" which is baseball without
fancy team strip, oversized gloves, collector cards or hotdogs.

7. You will no longer be allowed to own or carry guns. You will no longer be
allowed to own or carry anything more dangerous in public than a vegetable
peeler. Because we don't believe you are sensible enough to handle
potentially dangerous items, you will require a permit if you wish to carry
a vegetable peeler in public.

8. July 4th is no longer a public holiday. November 2nd will be a new
national holiday, but only in England. It will be called "Indecisive Day".

9. All American cars are hereby banned. They are crap and it is for your own
good. When we show you German cars, you will understand what we mean.
All road intersections will be replaced with roundabouts. You will start
driving on the left with immediate effect. At the same time, you will go
metric with immediate effect and without the benefit of conversion tables.
Roundabouts and metrication will help you understand the British sense of
humour.

10. You will learn to make real chips. Those things you call French fries
are not real chips. Fries aren't even French, they are Belgian though 97.85%
of you (including the guy who discovered fries while in Europe) are not
aware of a country called Belgium. Those things you insist on calling potato
chips are properly called "crisps". Real chips are thick cut and fried in
animal fat. The traditional accompaniment to chips is beer which should be
served warm and flat. Waitresses will be trained to be more aggressive with
customers.

11. As a sign of penance 5 grams of sea salt per cup will be added to all
tea made within the Commonwealth of Massachusetts, this quantity to be
doubled for tea made within the city of Boston itself.

12. The cold tasteless stuff you insist on calling beer is not actually beer
at all, it is lager. From November 1st only proper British Bitter will be
referred to as "beer", and European brews of known and accepted provenance
will be referred to as "Lager". The substances formerly known as "American
Beer" will henceforth be referred to as "Near-Frozen Knat's Urine", with the
exception of the product of the American Budweiser company whose product
will be referred to as "Weak Near-Frozen Knat's Urine". This will allow true
Budweiser (as manufactured for the last 1000 years in Pilsen, Czech
Republic) to be sold without risk of confusion.

13. From November 10th the UK will harmonise petrol (or "Gasoline" as you
will be permitted to keep calling it until April 1st 2005) prices with the
former USA. The UK will harmonise its prices to those of the former USA and
the Former USA will, in return, adopt UK petrol prices (roughly $6/US gallon
- get used to it).

14. You will learn to resolve personal issues without using guns, lawyers or
therapists. The fact that you need so many lawyers and therapists shows that
you're not adult enough to be independent. Guns should only be handled by
adults. If you're not adult enough to sort things out without suing someone
or speaking to a therapist then you're not grown up enough to handle a gun.

15. Please tell us who killed JFK. It's been driving us crazy. Tax
collectorsfrom Her Majesty's Government will be with you shortly to ensure
the acquisition of all revenues due (backdated to 1776).

Thank you for your co-operationAll I have to say about this is:

What the f***?!

Heh heh heh... this is a new one on me, and a good one.

So. Anyone got any implementation plans? I got a few.

Ok, I'll go along with it. I only ask that I be made governor of New Jersey.

Yeah, that remains just as unamusing the 10 billionth time as it was the 9,999,999,999th time.

Yeah, that remains just as unamusing the 10 billionth time as it was the 9,999,999,999th time.

ROTFLMHFAO

Same dull tripe one usually sees poring out of the open sores failed humorists call (in perhaps the only thing even close to funny they can produce) mouths.
However, it fails to mention the main thing that will forever keep the Queen Bitch off of American shores, blood pudding.
Just try to defend British "cuisine" (a word taken from the French), just try it gods damn you.

Always remember the word of that fat guy who lives across the street from me and occasionally dresses up as William Wallace:
"They can take our vegetable peelers, but they can never take . . .
my Starwars DVD boxed set!!!!"

FINALLY! PRAISE GOD, THE TRUTH OF AMERICA HAS BEEN FINALLY SPOKEN!!!!

You have no idea how long I have been waiting for this. THE TRUTH Shall SET YOU FREE!

To those without a sense of humour (those idiots that think this is funny), may your taxes increase! :upyours:


I thank you Blobites on behalf of all of Europe (whether they like or not, lol)

I found that incredibly stupid. Thats like Spain telling Mexico and the rest of South America (with the exclusion of Brazil) that they are now part of Spain again, and that they have to change their pronuciation back to that of the Spanish one.

I found that incredibly stupid. Thats like Spain telling Mexico and the rest of South America (with the exclusion of Brazil) that they are now part of Spain again, and that they have to change their pronuciation back to that of the Spanish one.
If anything Spain would have to change it's pronounciation.

Is it true the queen secretly has videotapes made of homeless people so she and philip can watch them and have a "good laugh" together over a bottle of wine ?

Is it true the queen secretly has videotapes made of homeless people so she and philip can watch them and have a "good laugh" together over a bottle of wine ?
I find it unlikely but not impossible. More likely I feel is that the only place in which the Black and White minstrals still perform is in a small, secret room in the attic at Buckingham Palace.

Same dull tripe one usually sees poring out of the open sores failed humorists call (in perhaps the only thing even close to funny they can produce) mouths.
However, it fails to mention the main thing that will forever keep the Queen Bitch off of American shores, blood pudding.
Just try to defend British "cuisine" (a word taken from the French), just try it gods damn you.
If you've not experienced Fish and Chips, Toad in the Hole, Shepards Pie or a sunday roast, then I think you should shaddup.

Besides, Americans don't have a cuisine, apart from the immortal hamburger. Everything else comes from somewhere else.

If you've not experienced Fish and Chips, Toad in the Hole, Shepards Pie or a sunday roast, then I think you should shaddup.

Besides, Americans don't have a cuisine, apart from the immortal hamburger. Everything else comes from somewhere else.
dont forget the spotted prick

LOL! Hilarious! If only . . .
Though that would mean we'd have to change the flag of course . . .
http://img81.exs.cx/img81/2185/NorthAmreicanunion.jpg

:D Cheers, eh?

As a Briton myself, I'd like to include a few addenda, just to clear things up a bit.

1. You should look up "revocation" in the Oxford English Dictionary. Then
look up "aluminium". Check the pronunciation guide. You will be amazed at
just how wrongly you have been pronouncing it. The letter 'U' will be
reinstated in words such as 'favour' and 'neighbour', skipping the letter
'U' is nothing more than laziness on your part. Likewise, you will learn to
spell 'doughnut' without skipping half the letters. You will end your love
affair with the letter 'Z' (pronounced 'zed' not 'zee') and the suffix "ize"
will be replaced by the suffix "ise". You will learn that the suffix 'burgh
is pronounced 'burra' e.g. Edinburgh. You are welcome to respell Pittsburgh
as 'Pittsberg' if you can't cope with correct pronunciation. Generally, you
should raise your vocabulary to acceptable levels. Look up "vocabulary".
Using the same twenty seven words interspersed with filler noises such as
"like" and "you know" is an unacceptable and inefficient form of
communication. Look up "interspersed". There will be no more 'bleeps' in the
Jerry Springer show. If you're not old enough to cope with bad language then
you shouldn't have chat shows. When you learn to develop your vocabulary
then you won't have to use bad language as often.

*Suggestions to look things up here in the OED are, of course, rhetorical. Do not actually look them up. TRUST US when we tell you that, of course, aluminium has always been aluminium, and you are the ones who got it wrong, not us. And most especially, DO NOT LOOK UP words like "characterize" and "civilize" in the OED. THEY ARE NOT THERE. "Characterise" and "civilise" are. Again: DO NOT LOOK! TRUST US ON THIS. Any suggestions that we only use the S because WE SECRETLY WANT TO BE FRENCH will not be tolerated.*


2. There is no such thing as "US English". We will let Microsoft know on
your behalf. The Microsoft spell-checker will be adjusted to take account of
the reinstated letter 'u' and the elimination of "-ize".

*In fact, there is only the Queen's English. We all speak it. Identically. THERE IS NO IDIOSYNCHRATIC LANGUAGE IN ENGLAND. Suggestions to the contrary will not be tolerated.*

3. You should learn to distinguish the English and Australian accents. It
really isn't that hard. English accents are not limited to cockney,
upper-class twit or Mancunian (Daphne in Frasier). You will also have to
learn how to understand regional accents - Scottish dramas such as "Taggart"
will no longer be broadcast with subtitles. While we're talking about
regions, you must learn that there is no such place as Devonshire in
England. The name of the county is "Devon". If you persist in calling it
Devonshire, all American States will become "shires" e.g. Texasshire,
Floridashire, Louisianashire.

*In addition, you will all have to learn to drawl. All Americans drawl, as is well known in the UK. Non-drawling American accents will not be tolerated. In addition, pointing to maps of England showing Devonshire quite clearly in Devon will not be tolerated. References to the Duke or Duchess of Devonshire WILL NOT BE TOLERATED.*

4. Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English actors as the
good guys. Hollywood will be required to cast English actors to play English
characters. British sit-coms such as "Men Behaving Badly", "Fawlty Towers" or "Red Dwarf"
will not be re-cast and watered down for a wishy-washy American audience who
can't cope with the humour of occasional political incorrectness.

*The Scots, Welsh, and especially Irish can help you make movies about loving the English. The bizarre version of Red Dwarf you have been watching in America, starring those drawling yankee doodle dandies Craig Charles, Chris Barrie, Robert Llewellyn, et al. WILL BE TAKEN OFF THE AIR and replaced with the ORIGINAL BRITISH VERSION starring, uh, some other guys who were British. Or Britisher.*

5. You should relearn your original national anthem, "God Save The Queen",
but only after fully carrying out task 1. We would not want you to get
confused and give up half way through.

*Pointing out that our beloved anthem only has about four words in it, and anyone with even a 27 word vocabulary would have words to spare WILL NOT BE TOLERATED*

6. You should stop playing American "football". There is only one kind of
football. What you refer to as American "football" is not a very good game.
The 2.15% of you who are aware that there is a world outside your borders
may have noticed that no one else plays "American" football. You will no
longer be allowed to play it, and should instead play proper football.
Initially, it would be best if you played with the girls. It is a difficult
game. Those of you brave enough will, in time, be allowed to play rugby
(which is similar to American "football", but does not involve stopping for
a rest every twenty seconds or wearing full kevlar body armour like
nancies). We are hoping to get together at least a US rugby sevens side by
2005. You should stop playing baseball. It is not reasonable to host an
event called the 'World Series' for a game which is not played outside of
America. Since only 2.15% of you are aware that there is a world beyond your
borders, your error is understandable. Instead of baseball, you will be
allowed to play a girls' game called "rounders" which is baseball without
fancy team strip, oversized gloves, collector cards or hotdogs.

*Actually, learning football should be fairly easy. We British realise that of course everyone in America is a slack-jawed, predjudicial, xenophobe, all of which should make becoming a football fan much easier. Also, although about as many of us play rugby as you do play American pro-football, watching rugby on the telly is WAY MORE MANLY than watching American football on the telly. WATCHING CRICKET, SNOOKER, AND CROWN-GREEN BOWLING ARE ALSO WAY MORE MANLY.*

7. You will no longer be allowed to own or carry guns. You will no longer be
allowed to own or carry anything more dangerous in public than a vegetable
peeler. Because we don't believe you are sensible enough to handle
potentially dangerous items, you will require a permit if you wish to carry
a vegetable peeler in public.

*I should point out that we are NOT SCARED of guns. We DO NOT RUN CRYING TO OUR MUMMIES OR GOVERNMENT because of this fear, and if we chose, we would be TOTALLY RESPONSIBLE enough to carry our own weapons. Yes, the Duke and Duchess of Devonshire probably own guns, but again, THEY ARE UNMENTIONABLE.*

8. July 4th is no longer a public holiday. November 2nd will be a new
national holiday, but only in England. It will be called "Indecisive Day".

*To show our tolerance, however, you will be allowed to celebrate Bonfire Night, a TOLERANCE BOOSTING event where we tolerantly burn Guy Fawkes in effigy several centuries after he already died.*

9. All American cars are hereby banned. They are crap and it is for your own
good. When we show you German cars, you will understand what we mean.
All road intersections will be replaced with roundabouts. You will start
driving on the left with immediate effect. At the same time, you will go
metric with immediate effect and without the benefit of conversion tables.
Roundabouts and metrication will help you understand the British sense of
humour.

*When we say that all American cars are hereby banned, we are of course NOT referring to Vauxhalls, Opals, Jaguars, Volvos, Saabs, Landrovers, or Aston Martins. When we say German cars, we are in no way referring to Dodge, Chrysler, Jeep, or Skoda. And as for our sense of humour, jokes about the Irish are in no way almost exactly identical to jokes about the Polish. You could never, ever previously have begun to understand the wit and general cleverness of British jokes about the Irish. Or about the Germans.*

10. You will learn to make real chips. Those things you call French fries
are not real chips. Fries aren't even French, they are Belgian though 97.85%
of you (including the guy who discovered fries while in Europe) are not
aware of a country called Belgium. Those things you insist on calling potato
chips are properly called "crisps". Real chips are thick cut and fried in
animal fat. The traditional accompaniment to chips is beer which should be
served warm and flat. Waitresses will be trained to be more aggressive with
customers.

*You will, of course, not be allowed to tip. Your chips will be drenched with salt and vinegar NOT BECAUSE CHIPS ARE BLAND AWFUL BITS OF GREASY POTATO, but to enhance their natural, palate-stirring flavour.*

11. As a sign of penance 5 grams of sea salt per cup will be added to all
tea made within the Commonwealth of Massachusetts, this quantity to be
doubled for tea made within the city of Boston itself.

*'nuff said*

12. The cold tasteless stuff you insist on calling beer is not actually beer
at all, it is lager. From November 1st only proper British Bitter will be
referred to as "beer", and European brews of known and accepted provenance
will be referred to as "Lager". The substances formerly known as "American
Beer" will henceforth be referred to as "Near-Frozen Knat's Urine", with the
exception of the product of the American Budweiser company whose product
will be referred to as "Weak Near-Frozen Knat's Urine". This will allow true
Budweiser (as manufactured for the last 1000 years in Pilsen, Czech
Republic) to be sold without risk of confusion.

*This will help you realise that the TRUE CZECH BUDWEISER IS NOT A WEAK, BORING BREW WHICH IS AS AWFUL AS AMERICAN BUDWEISER, but is in fact a weak boring brew which is FAR SUPERIOR to American Budweiser. You will learn to love such British favourites as Tesco brand lager, and references to the fact that American microbrews are probably the best, most diverse, most innovative beers in the world WILL NOT BE TOLERATED. Your memories will be chemically readjusted to come into line with the fact that previously in America, you have consumed BUDWEISER, BUDWEISER, SOLELY BUDWEISER, ONLY BUDWEISER AND NOTHING BUT BUDWEISER, since this has been THE ONLY AMERICAN BEER EVER.*

13. From November 10th the UK will harmonise petrol (or "Gasoline" as you
will be permitted to keep calling it until April 1st 2005) prices with the
former USA. The UK will harmonise its prices to those of the former USA and
the Former USA will, in return, adopt UK petrol prices (roughly $6/US gallon
- get used to it).

*In addition, to accomodate the fact that we Britons cannot begin to imagine what a mind-bogglingly large country America is, and to compensate for the fact that at $6/USgal for petrol you would not ordinarily be able to go buy groceries, we will also be forcing all three-hundred-odd million of you to move to Manatee county, FL. The fact that we are switching petrol prices with you IN NO WAY MEANS that we whine about gas prices. That is what you do. Any argument to the contrary WILL NOT BE TOLERATED.*

14. You will learn to resolve personal issues without using guns, lawyers or
therapists. The fact that you need so many lawyers and therapists shows that
you're not adult enough to be independent. Guns should only be handled by
adults. If you're not adult enough to sort things out without suing someone
or speaking to a therapist then you're not grown up enough to handle a gun.

*You will, however, be permitted to use broken glass bottles to settle affairs with Frenchmen, Argentinians, Irishmen, Germans, anyone England plays against at football, or your neighbours (PROVIDED YOU ARE AT A PUB, and only in a SUPREMELY MATURE AND ADULT WAY)*

15. Please tell us who killed JFK. It's been driving us crazy. Tax
collectorsfrom Her Majesty's Government will be with you shortly to ensure
the acquisition of all revenues due (backdated to 1776).

*And please remove everything you have exported to the UK since 1776. We ESPECIALLY HATE anything involving potatoes. POTATO PRODUCTS WILL NOT BE TOLERATED*

Thank you for your co-operation

If you've not experienced Fish and Chips,
Chips are belgian, and the idea of adding fried fish (hardly something new in the world) doesn't make a worthy dish of note.
Toad in the Hole,
Sausage in gravy, oh how wonderful. The mere thought of it just slammed my arteries shut.
Shepards Pie
Not bad, but we "yanks" have the hamburger, so tie I s'pose.
or a sunday roast,
Wow, roasting meat with vegetable accompaniment, not very original.
Everything else comes from somewhere else.
Under your definition of everything in America coming from somewhere else, Fish and Chips, and sunday roast aren't uniquely british. Chips are belgian, fried fish is everywhere, as is the idea of roasting a slab of meat and serving it with vegetables.

So, the game of British vs. American comes down to

Americans: Hamburger::Chicago Style Pizza::No Black Pudding::No Sheeps Stomachs

British: Shephards Pie::Fish and Chips::Sunday Roast::Toad In A Hole

So: Hamburger (variety, beef, vegetarian equivalent, average taste)=Shephards Pie (no variety, beef, vegetarian equivalent, slightly above average taste)
Chicago Style Pizza (variety, veg equivalent, not very original, good taste)=Fish and Chips (sauce variety, fish, no veg equivalent, not original, good taste)
No Black Pudding (American food doesn't have blood)>Sunday Roast (variety, beef, no veg equivalent, good taste)
No Sheeps Innards (Read my fucking lips, no sheep innards)>Toad In A Hole (Pork, no variety, veg equivalent, nice taste, slightly below average originality)

America wins again!!!

I think, at one point, "toad in the hole", was actually a toad a hole. But then the brits became embarrased whe a foreign person laughed at them for eating it, so they made up some lie about pork sausage cooked in yorkshire pudding.

They've maintained the lie every since.

And I hardly think the brits can lay a claim to either sunday roast or deep fried fish.

Come and get us. You think you have armed insurgents in Iraq wait till you get a load of us.

Fine. We have something called the SAS. Think of the Green Berets, but actually good at what they're meant to be doing.

And it's not us who has the armed insurgents in Iraq. It's you. Your president, therefore your war, your mess. You sort it out.

Fine. We have something called the SAS. Think of the Green Berets, but actually good at what they're meant to be doing.

And it's not us who has the armed insurgents in Iraq. It's you. Your president, therefore your war, your mess. You sort it out.

That's absurd. Looking at it from a simple logistics standpoint, the UK has 12.3 million people fit for military service currently. The United States has 73.5 million. Every UK soldier would need to maintain a 6:1 kill ratio just to defeat American military forces. And that does not include any inherent problems with occupying a nation the size of the US. Maintaining that the SAS could overcome insurgency movements in a theoretical occupation of the US is like saying the Navy Seals could do the same in China. Absurd.

And the UK has soldiers in Iraq currently. So until the troops are withdrawn for whatever reason, the UK has a problem with armed insurgents in Iraq as well.

Sausage in gravy, oh how wonderful. The mere thought of it just slammed my arteries shut.
For all that smug superiority, you don't even know what it is!!! HAHAHAHAHA!!!

(don't take this too seriously, I just renewed my conviction that people are very happy to criticise food which they have never tried and can't even correctly identify)

If you want this country back, The Queen should send an army. And airforce, and navy. But we would kick them back to their island.

And on the note of us electing the 'wrong' President: Bush won the popular vote and he won the electoral vote. If Kerry would have won, we would have supported him as well. We are a democracy, and if you even try to take that from us; your heads will be on pikes.

I think before Her Magesty resumes her duties over the former colonies she might find she has her hands full just trying to extract the current resident of 10 Downing Street's proboscis from the 43rd president's sphincter.

I found that incredibly stupid. Thats like Spain telling Mexico and the rest of South America (with the exclusion of Brazil) that they are now part of Spain again, and that they have to change their pronuciation back to that of the Spanish one.

I fail to see a problem with Spain telling Mexico and the rest of South America (sans Brazil, Guyana, French Guiana, and Surinam) that they're part of Spain again...

In fact, the British could re-claim ALL their former Colonies (with the exceptions of Canada, Australia, New Zealand, and South Africa), the French could re-claim West Africa, and we could have a Second Glorious Age of Imperialism! Huzzah!

Now, where's my Martini-Henry and Pith Helmet? :)

Rememeber: It's only a joke, people- it's that British sense of humour which is totally lost on Americans, evidenced by the number of indignant replies to this thread by people who've clearly missed the point...

Just as old and boring (if not a little bit more so because it doesn't have the drunk frat boy joke about the franco-prussian war) as the "Military History of France." Which was fun the first fifty-thousand times I saw it, but the ensuing twenty-nine point nine million weren't.

Well I don't think many Canadians would object to the good old days. When we were part of the greatest country on earth. Besides most Canadians have always prefered the British to the americans.

Rememeber: It's only a joke, people- it's that British sense of humour which is totally lost on Americans, evidenced by the number of indignant replies to this thread by people who've clearly missed the point...

2...there have been 2 defensive replies.

And what has British humor done that Vaudville hasn't?

And what has British humor done that Vaudville hasn't?

Little bald dudes being slapped on the head by benny hill.

2...there have been 2 defensive replies.

And what has British humor done that Vaudville hasn't?
and one of them is mine about how the joke is ueber-old

2...there have been 2 defensive replies.

And what has British humor done that Vaudville hasn't?

It's about as funny as the "French Military History" piece of crap.

For all that smug superiority, you don't even know what it is!!! HAHAHAHAHA!!!

(don't take this too seriously, I just renewed my conviction that people are very happy to criticise food which they have never tried and can't even correctly identify)
So what if I simplified? At its nature toad in the hole is juat another awkwardly named use for pork sausage.
As I've said, we don't have blood pudding, so nothing that the taste of toad in the hole can do can win itself beyond the English reputation.

And Fish and Chips are no more British than Chicago style Pizza is American, less so, in fact.

Rememeber: It's only a joke, people- it's that British sense of humour which is totally lost on Americans, evidenced by the number of indignant replies to this thread by people who've clearly missed the point...
Actually, the improved version by Spookistan and Jakalah was pretty good, but the original was just lengthy America bashing, and wasn't near funny enough to justify the stupidity and offensiveness of the central idea.

Now The Full Monty that was a good use of time.

If anything Spain would have to change it's pronounciation.
Or even its pronunciation.

Anyway... I'm amazed at just how po-faced some of you are. The militarists are especially witless. As for food, why so choosy over where the meat comes from? It's all meat. Offal is luuurvely...

Hunted down and posted by a Brit, for context. It's not quite as good (possibly because it's shorter) but I still like it. Especially number 5. Bus queues... sorry, lines... would be much nicer to handle with a shotgun.



America's Official Response

While we Americans might have taken this little joke of yours badly, we have recognized it for what it is: a cry for help. We realize that you are tired of being a third-rate little country on your own. Therefore we shall bring you into the fold as our 51st state.

There will be some changes:

1. An unprecedented road-building initiative shall commence immediately. Check out the interstate system in the US. You'll see why this is needed. We will probably bring in Germans to do this. Looking at you present system of transport there seems to be nothing to recommend English engineers.

2. Everyone will be issued with an automobile. Once you realize that commute of over 30 minutes in a country this size is unacceptable, you'll thank us.

3. Squads of bitter, overweight, ex-high school, and college athletes will be shipped over to instruct you on winning. In short, winning is everything. Coming in third place consistently and congratulating yourselves on being good sports is stupid. Wake up. (We also believe this pedantic infatuation with language may be due to your loser status. Giving you something to feel good about.)

4. You will no longer be allowed to mention the Second World War. It was the last thing you won, but it was over fifty years ago.

5. You will now be allowed to express your feelings when you want. If someone cuts in front of you in line - queue is a silly word and is henceforth outlawed - you are now allowed to kick his ass or shoot him. That's part of being an American: choices and handguns. You're really going to like this.

6. The English tradition of getting in line will probably go out of style once the stores are open twenty-four hours a day, seven days a week, and actually have what you're looking for at a price you can afford. This is a lot to take in. Breath slowly and take it a little at a time.

7. Soccer is out the window. Let's face it, sitting around for two hours watching a bunch of guys not score points is infuriating. That's why you kill each other over it.

8. The Spice Girls will be executed. No discussion.

Things that will not change:

1. The monarchy will remain much as it is today. We think it's cute. However we will tax them. Anybody that rich can afford it.

2. You can keep ignoring the metric system, but maybe do it a little more proactively like the rest of the states. Let's face it. Do you really want your kids using something the French came up with?

3. The English accent will remain intact. We like the sound of it, even if you do use a lot of silly words.

Congratulations on your ascension to these heady heights.

8. The Spice Girls will be executed. No discussion.

God bless America!

Hunted down and posted by a Brit, for context. It's not quite as good (possibly because it's shorter) but I still like it. Especially number 5. Bus queues... sorry, lines... would be much nicer to handle with a shotgun.



America's Official Response

While we Americans might have taken this little joke of yours badly, we have recognized it for what it is: a cry for help. We realize that you are tired of being a third-rate little country on your own. Therefore we shall bring you into the fold as our 51st state.

There will be some changes:

1. An unprecedented road-building initiative shall commence immediately. Check out the interstate system in the US. You'll see why this is needed. We will probably bring in Germans to do this. Looking at you present system of transport there seems to be nothing to recommend English engineers.

2. Everyone will be issued with an automobile. Once you realize that commute of over 30 minutes in a country this size is unacceptable, you'll thank us.

3. Squads of bitter, overweight, ex-high school, and college athletes will be shipped over to instruct you on winning. In short, winning is everything. Coming in third place consistently and congratulating yourselves on being good sports is stupid. Wake up. (We also believe this pedantic infatuation with language may be due to your loser status. Giving you something to feel good about.)

4. You will no longer be allowed to mention the Second World War. It was the last thing you won, but it was over fifty years ago.

5. You will now be allowed to express your feelings when you want. If someone cuts in front of you in line - queue is a silly word and is henceforth outlawed - you are now allowed to kick his ass or shoot him. That's part of being an American: choices and handguns. You're really going to like this.

6. The English tradition of getting in line will probably go out of style once the stores are open twenty-four hours a day, seven days a week, and actually have what you're looking for at a price you can afford. This is a lot to take in. Breath slowly and take it a little at a time.

7. Soccer is out the window. Let's face it, sitting around for two hours watching a bunch of guys not score points is infuriating. That's why you kill each other over it.

8. The Spice Girls will be executed. No discussion.

Things that will not change:

1. The monarchy will remain much as it is today. We think it's cute. However we will tax them. Anybody that rich can afford it.

2. You can keep ignoring the metric system, but maybe do it a little more proactively like the rest of the states. Let's face it. Do you really want your kids using something the French came up with?

3. The English accent will remain intact. We like the sound of it, even if you do use a lot of silly words.

Congratulations on your ascension to these heady heights.

:p even if I can't agree on all points. :)

And the UK has soldiers in Iraq currently. So until the troops are withdrawn for whatever reason, the UK has a problem with armed insurgents in Iraq as well.

Yes, we do have soldiers in Iraq currently. Until a few weeks ago, they were in southern Iraq, located primarily in Basra. The US forces had "control" of central and northern Iraq. Where are the insurgents? That would be in the American-"controlled" areas. Now Britain has agreed...sorry, now Tony Blair has agreed...to send our troops to help your troops, there has been a decrease in the level of insurgency. So it looks like we don't have quite so much of a problem with them as you do.

It's about as funny as the "French Military History" piece of crap.

I didn't say the list wasn't funny. I am just saying its wrong to say all Americans are getting defensive about it because two posters were angry over it.

Personally, I think its ok, but too long. Brevity is the soul of wit.

That's the funniest thing I've read all day.

If you've not experienced Fish and Chips, Toad in the Hole, Shepards Pie or a sunday roast, then I think you should shaddup.

Besides, Americans don't have a cuisine, apart from the immortal hamburger. Everything else comes from somewhere else.

actually the hamburger can be traced to Roman kitchens as well....