Angry Keep Left Signs
07-11-2004, 15:11
OK guys this is why I needed your sexes. Enjoy:
Day 1 - DeaconDave admits straight away that he doesn't like the look of Sheilanagig. He says she looks like a lesbian. As it turns out, Preebles is in fact the only lesbian in the house, although Lunatic Goofballs later admits that he is unsure of his true sexuality.
2 - The house sit down for a discussion of how to organise simple chores. Legless Pirates creates tension by stating that the kitchen is where the women belong. Fnordish Infamy hits him with a spoon.
3 - The housemates are set their first task by Big Brother - they must make a model of the canteen out of doughnuts. After much persuasion by Legless Pirates, they gamble 50% of next week's food budget on completing the task.
4 - Training for the the canteen task is well under way. However havoc ensues when Lunatic Goofballs, who is rapidly developing a reputation as the laziest, fat bastard in the house, eats half the doughnuts. Fnordish Infamy is furious.
5 - Today is the day when the the canteen task must be completed. Things are going well until shortly before the end when Lunatic Goofballs farts and blows the canteen over. Big Brother announces that the task has been a failure. Sheilanagig cries.
6 - Legless Pirates gets pecked on the arm by one of the Big Brother chickens. Not a very exciting day.
7 - Big Brother is worried that things are getting dull, so he summons the housemates to have a mass debate about sex. After far too many cans of cider, Sheilanagig admits that she likes to be spanked on the arse with a spoon. DeaconDave says he never wears condoms because they make his arse sore and Legless Pirates agrees. Preebles goes into a rant about how none of the other housemates have ever enjoyed a true orgasm because they're all boring heterosexual bastards. Lunatic Goofballs sits in the corner, quietly eyeing up Legless Pirates.
8 - Today is the first day that the housemates must nominate someone to leave. DeaconDave goes round everyone one by one, telling them he really likes them because they're the only one in the house that he can really relate to. Fnordish Infamy and Sheilanagig are voted as the two candidates to leave. Nobody votes for DeaconDave.
9 - Fnordish Infamy and Sheilanagig are told of their nominations and burst into tears, before hugging everyone and telling them they love them. Preebles sings them a song - Cypress Hill's Greatest Hits - to make them feel better.
10 - The public vote Sheilanagig out of the house. She pretends not to be bothered but then breaks down and sobs that she should never have admitted about enjoying being spanked. Sheilanagig leaves.
11 - Relationships are strained in the house as the housemates come to terms with Sheilanagig's departure. The food budget is low due to the failure of last week's failed task. Preebles has to make do without the cucumber she requested. Fnordish Infamy is visibly depressed and is comforted by Legless Pirates, who tries to touch her on her Thigh.
12 - The Big Brother psychologist replays the footage of Legless Pirates touching Fnordish Infamy's Thigh over and over again. This is because it shows an interesting psychological incident, of course, not because it will increase the viewing figures. Big Brother sets the housemates the task of jogging on a running machine for twice the circumference of the globe. They gamble 40% of the food budget on completing it.
13 - The running machine task is on target, despite the fact that Lunatic Goofballs refuses to run because his arse hurts a bit.
14 - Much jubilation in the house as the running machine task is completed. Lunatic Goofballs finally manages to run the last 10 metres of the task and claims that without him they'd never have done it. Fnordish Infamy calls Lunatic Goofballs a lazy arse.
15 - Once again it is the day when nominations are due. DeaconDave tells everyone individually that he thinks Fnordish Infamy is a whore. He also points out that anyone who wants to stay at his flat when the show is finished is welcome to come and visit. Fnordish Infamy and Legless Pirates are nominated by the housemates to leave. Nobody votes for DeaconDave.
16 - The nominations are announced. Fnordish Infamy can't believe she's been nominated two weeks in a row. Legless Pirates is equally stunned and turns to Fnordish Infamy for comfort. Lunatic Goofballs is distraught and confesses to Preebles that he thinks he is in love with Legless Pirates. Preebles says she doesn't fancy any of the housemates because they're all just too heterosexual and she's a lesbian, if you didn't know!
17 - The public vote Legless Pirates out of the house. Fnordish Infamy says she is gutted and even gives Legless Pirates a clipping of hair from her Thigh to prove how much she cares. Lunatic Goofballs is also devastated but keeps his hair to himself. Legless Pirates leaves.
18 - The Big Brother psychologist shows repeated clips of Fnordish Infamy clipping the hair from her Thigh. Apparently this is an important psychological incident. The public obviously agree as viewing figures soar.
19 - Big Brother sets the housemates the task of burping the National Anthem of Madagascar in 60 seconds. They gamble 50% of the food budget on completing it.
20 - Nobody has a clue what the National Anthem of Madagascar sounds like but Lunatic Goofballs says it's a bit like Dancing Queen. The housemates choose DeaconDave as the one who must complete the task.
21 - DeaconDave successfully burps not only the National Anthem of Madagascar but also God Save The Queen, Cypress Hill's Greatest Hits and the theme tune to Frasier. He is proclaimed as a hero, despite the fact that a vote in a tabloid newspaper shows that 98% of the public want to kill him.
22 - Nominations are due and DeaconDave tells everyone that he has a Villa in the South of France and they can all come and stay for a holiday. Lunatic Goofballs and Preebles are nominated.
23 - Lunatic Goofballs and Preebles take their nominations well and sit down with DeaconDave and Fnordish Infamy to discuss why they voted for them. DeaconDave keeps quiet but Fnordish Infamy accuses Lunatic Goofballs of being an arrogant, lazy, self-centred arse before bursting into tears.
24 - The public vote Preebles out of the house and nobody really gives a shit. Preebles leaves.
25 - DeaconDave becomes the first housemate to have a wank. This footage goes down well with the Big Brother pschologist who proclaims that it gives us a true insight into the working of DeaconDave's mind and brings out his true personality. In other words, he's a wanker.
26 - Big Brother sets the remaining three housemates the task of shifting 5000 tons of Goat dung using only a spoon. DeaconDave is unsure but Lunatic Goofballs is confident, claiming to have done something very similar when he was younger. They gamble 50% of the food budget.
27 - Completely out of the blue, Lunatic Goofballs breaks down in tears and announces that he is leaving. He claims that it is because the dung-shifting task has brought back the painful memories of the Goat incident from his childhood. Fnordish Infamy tries to persuade him to stay but DeaconDave sits in a corner, rubbing his hands slyly. Lunatic Goofballs decides to leave.
28 - With only two housemates remaining, the Goat dung task proves impossible. They fail miserably and resort to getting extremely pissed on some vegetable wine, made by Fnordish Infamy from a couple of mouldy carrots she found in the Big Brother garden.
29 - Nominations are due for the final time. DeaconDave asks Fnordish Infamy to marry him and she accepts. Unsurprisingly DeaconDave nominates Fnordish Infamy to leave. Rather more surprisingly, so does Fnordish Infamy.
30 - When the nomination is announced, Fnordish Infamy graciously accepts defeat and proclaims that DeaconDave is a worthy winner. As they are soon to marry, she also agrees to shag him. The event is broadcast live to the nation and is preceded by a speech from the Queen. Everyone in the Big Brother production crew breathe a huge sigh of relief as viewing figures go through the roof. DeaconDave takes his £70,000 and runs away to Madagascar. Nobody, including Fnordish Infamy, ever sees him again.
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What a shock result! DeaconDave, running direct from his coital bed with Fnordish Infamy to Madagascar where The Daily Sport reports he is happily settled down with a Lemur.
Day 1 - DeaconDave admits straight away that he doesn't like the look of Sheilanagig. He says she looks like a lesbian. As it turns out, Preebles is in fact the only lesbian in the house, although Lunatic Goofballs later admits that he is unsure of his true sexuality.
2 - The house sit down for a discussion of how to organise simple chores. Legless Pirates creates tension by stating that the kitchen is where the women belong. Fnordish Infamy hits him with a spoon.
3 - The housemates are set their first task by Big Brother - they must make a model of the canteen out of doughnuts. After much persuasion by Legless Pirates, they gamble 50% of next week's food budget on completing the task.
4 - Training for the the canteen task is well under way. However havoc ensues when Lunatic Goofballs, who is rapidly developing a reputation as the laziest, fat bastard in the house, eats half the doughnuts. Fnordish Infamy is furious.
5 - Today is the day when the the canteen task must be completed. Things are going well until shortly before the end when Lunatic Goofballs farts and blows the canteen over. Big Brother announces that the task has been a failure. Sheilanagig cries.
6 - Legless Pirates gets pecked on the arm by one of the Big Brother chickens. Not a very exciting day.
7 - Big Brother is worried that things are getting dull, so he summons the housemates to have a mass debate about sex. After far too many cans of cider, Sheilanagig admits that she likes to be spanked on the arse with a spoon. DeaconDave says he never wears condoms because they make his arse sore and Legless Pirates agrees. Preebles goes into a rant about how none of the other housemates have ever enjoyed a true orgasm because they're all boring heterosexual bastards. Lunatic Goofballs sits in the corner, quietly eyeing up Legless Pirates.
8 - Today is the first day that the housemates must nominate someone to leave. DeaconDave goes round everyone one by one, telling them he really likes them because they're the only one in the house that he can really relate to. Fnordish Infamy and Sheilanagig are voted as the two candidates to leave. Nobody votes for DeaconDave.
9 - Fnordish Infamy and Sheilanagig are told of their nominations and burst into tears, before hugging everyone and telling them they love them. Preebles sings them a song - Cypress Hill's Greatest Hits - to make them feel better.
10 - The public vote Sheilanagig out of the house. She pretends not to be bothered but then breaks down and sobs that she should never have admitted about enjoying being spanked. Sheilanagig leaves.
11 - Relationships are strained in the house as the housemates come to terms with Sheilanagig's departure. The food budget is low due to the failure of last week's failed task. Preebles has to make do without the cucumber she requested. Fnordish Infamy is visibly depressed and is comforted by Legless Pirates, who tries to touch her on her Thigh.
12 - The Big Brother psychologist replays the footage of Legless Pirates touching Fnordish Infamy's Thigh over and over again. This is because it shows an interesting psychological incident, of course, not because it will increase the viewing figures. Big Brother sets the housemates the task of jogging on a running machine for twice the circumference of the globe. They gamble 40% of the food budget on completing it.
13 - The running machine task is on target, despite the fact that Lunatic Goofballs refuses to run because his arse hurts a bit.
14 - Much jubilation in the house as the running machine task is completed. Lunatic Goofballs finally manages to run the last 10 metres of the task and claims that without him they'd never have done it. Fnordish Infamy calls Lunatic Goofballs a lazy arse.
15 - Once again it is the day when nominations are due. DeaconDave tells everyone individually that he thinks Fnordish Infamy is a whore. He also points out that anyone who wants to stay at his flat when the show is finished is welcome to come and visit. Fnordish Infamy and Legless Pirates are nominated by the housemates to leave. Nobody votes for DeaconDave.
16 - The nominations are announced. Fnordish Infamy can't believe she's been nominated two weeks in a row. Legless Pirates is equally stunned and turns to Fnordish Infamy for comfort. Lunatic Goofballs is distraught and confesses to Preebles that he thinks he is in love with Legless Pirates. Preebles says she doesn't fancy any of the housemates because they're all just too heterosexual and she's a lesbian, if you didn't know!
17 - The public vote Legless Pirates out of the house. Fnordish Infamy says she is gutted and even gives Legless Pirates a clipping of hair from her Thigh to prove how much she cares. Lunatic Goofballs is also devastated but keeps his hair to himself. Legless Pirates leaves.
18 - The Big Brother psychologist shows repeated clips of Fnordish Infamy clipping the hair from her Thigh. Apparently this is an important psychological incident. The public obviously agree as viewing figures soar.
19 - Big Brother sets the housemates the task of burping the National Anthem of Madagascar in 60 seconds. They gamble 50% of the food budget on completing it.
20 - Nobody has a clue what the National Anthem of Madagascar sounds like but Lunatic Goofballs says it's a bit like Dancing Queen. The housemates choose DeaconDave as the one who must complete the task.
21 - DeaconDave successfully burps not only the National Anthem of Madagascar but also God Save The Queen, Cypress Hill's Greatest Hits and the theme tune to Frasier. He is proclaimed as a hero, despite the fact that a vote in a tabloid newspaper shows that 98% of the public want to kill him.
22 - Nominations are due and DeaconDave tells everyone that he has a Villa in the South of France and they can all come and stay for a holiday. Lunatic Goofballs and Preebles are nominated.
23 - Lunatic Goofballs and Preebles take their nominations well and sit down with DeaconDave and Fnordish Infamy to discuss why they voted for them. DeaconDave keeps quiet but Fnordish Infamy accuses Lunatic Goofballs of being an arrogant, lazy, self-centred arse before bursting into tears.
24 - The public vote Preebles out of the house and nobody really gives a shit. Preebles leaves.
25 - DeaconDave becomes the first housemate to have a wank. This footage goes down well with the Big Brother pschologist who proclaims that it gives us a true insight into the working of DeaconDave's mind and brings out his true personality. In other words, he's a wanker.
26 - Big Brother sets the remaining three housemates the task of shifting 5000 tons of Goat dung using only a spoon. DeaconDave is unsure but Lunatic Goofballs is confident, claiming to have done something very similar when he was younger. They gamble 50% of the food budget.
27 - Completely out of the blue, Lunatic Goofballs breaks down in tears and announces that he is leaving. He claims that it is because the dung-shifting task has brought back the painful memories of the Goat incident from his childhood. Fnordish Infamy tries to persuade him to stay but DeaconDave sits in a corner, rubbing his hands slyly. Lunatic Goofballs decides to leave.
28 - With only two housemates remaining, the Goat dung task proves impossible. They fail miserably and resort to getting extremely pissed on some vegetable wine, made by Fnordish Infamy from a couple of mouldy carrots she found in the Big Brother garden.
29 - Nominations are due for the final time. DeaconDave asks Fnordish Infamy to marry him and she accepts. Unsurprisingly DeaconDave nominates Fnordish Infamy to leave. Rather more surprisingly, so does Fnordish Infamy.
30 - When the nomination is announced, Fnordish Infamy graciously accepts defeat and proclaims that DeaconDave is a worthy winner. As they are soon to marry, she also agrees to shag him. The event is broadcast live to the nation and is preceded by a speech from the Queen. Everyone in the Big Brother production crew breathe a huge sigh of relief as viewing figures go through the roof. DeaconDave takes his £70,000 and runs away to Madagascar. Nobody, including Fnordish Infamy, ever sees him again.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
What a shock result! DeaconDave, running direct from his coital bed with Fnordish Infamy to Madagascar where The Daily Sport reports he is happily settled down with a Lemur.