NationStates Jolt Archive


My newest paper

Alansyists
19-10-2004, 03:21
I was given the assignment of "How does football relate to math." And I wrote:


Let’s see how the opium for the masses correlates with mathematics. Firstly, before you recruit a player, you must check into is criminal record which is often time very colorful. The league rules are very strict , if the player has gone to jail over a dozens times, he is verbally warned. This also depends on the degree of the felony, and these felonies. Which make up a very elaborate system, that requires experience with mathematics. Addition, subtraction, division, and multiplication are all skills used very often in calculating a players criminal record. Rounding is used many times in test scores, distorted statistics are also applied to this new science. For example, a students final grade point average was 0.5, and this was rounded to one. And 1.0 was once again warped by using fractions and decimals into making it look like a 4.0.
I went to a football game the other day with math on my mind. The crowd was filled with dancing idiots with an orange and blue painted on their chests. And I wondered what was the difference between the alcohol in their blood an the legal amount? I counted the number of police that it took to contain and stammering drunkard. Then I wanted to work with negative numbers so I decided to test the fans IQ. I also wanted to compare the average IQ’s of the players and the crowd. I also passed out a few psychological tests, meant to analyze sociopath tendencies, and average maturity amongst the horde of beer guzzling fanatics and the players. I didn’t get to work with negative numbers, but I can assure you they were close.
I got to test the players for steroids with the coach. I was hoping I could work with negatives, but alas I was denied the opportunity. Every test read positive. So I went out and asked the cheerleaders how many of them were virgins. 0, so then I asked another group from another state. And I continued the pattern, it came out like binary which is a simple mathematic language. It was many zeros and an occasional one.
Once I returned to my friend’s house I had to use my time skill to figure out how many hours his parents and his sisters stupid friends talked about the game. And then I converted it into a percentage of their intelligent conversation. And my it was close to those negative numbers I wanted to deal with!
The next mourning I decided to perform a simple neurological experiment on a few of the fans. While they were on brainwave monitors I showed them pictures of maimed Iraqi children, George Bush, Police Brutality, I showed them Klansmen hanging a black man, I showed them one man shooting another. I continued by showing them dying Ethiopian children, and the explosions and aftermath of Nagasaki and Hiroshima. The detector did move, just in the wrong direction. Finally a negative number! Then I showed them a picture of a football, and instantly the detector began to draw large V’s. What had turned my heart up side down, did not affect them the slightest bit. My eyes watering in hatred of their apathy and ignorance.
I said “I’ve got one last math problem for you. How valuable do you think your lives are in a numerical scale?” One fat man arrogantly rose and told me “As high as it can go.” Judging by the IQ tests, psychological analysis, and your brainwaves, I can give you a rough estimate.” “What?” the blob asked.
I shouted “Zero, in other words, absolutely nothing!” His mind went blank like a goldfishes does, and rudely asked “Where’s the beer and the remote control?”
I shook my head in disgust and just walked away. I saw a few men, in a drunken state stumbling around a sports bar. I saw a football fly in the air, and started to calculate a few physics equations in my head. But then I thought, why make such a simple sport, played by complete idiots, and viewed by disgruntled wage slaves more complicated then it is? I suppose I should combat apathy with apathy. The only problem is they are truly ignorant, self centered aspergian people. Me, I’m still walking into the sun cursing the world and it’s inhabitants.
Togarmah
19-10-2004, 03:36
I also dislike football. Not quite this much however.
Bodies Without Organs
19-10-2004, 04:07
I was given the assignment of "How does football relate to math." And I wrote:

Correct me if I'm wrong but isn't this the third time you've posted this here?
Skepticism
19-10-2004, 04:52
Quite frankly, your essay is awful and its attempts at humor all fall completely flat. Perhaps you should attempt to master at least some form of subtlety before plaguing us with this crap again.
Grigala
19-10-2004, 06:06
Three words.

Lies, Spam, and Crap.

First of all, I ran some mathematical equations through my head, and found that the possibility of that paper not containing at least one lie or falsehood was <.000000001*10^-465%.

I can say with high accuracy that those are truer statistics than you could ever manage to come up with.

First of all, you'd have to have a negative IQ to submit to a test measuring sociopath tendencies passed out to them by a random 13-year old, and yet you said you never got to work with negative numbers.

Don't get me wrong, football definantly deteriorates current society even lower than it's already abysmal score, but you are STILL an idiot who can't spell "republican" properly.

Sheesh, it's like George W. Bush saying "nucular".
Alansyists
19-10-2004, 22:29
Three words.

Lies, Spam, and Crap.

First of all, I ran some mathematical equations through my head, and found that the possibility of that paper not containing at least one lie or falsehood was <.000000001*10^-465%.

I can say with high accuracy that those are truer statistics than you could ever manage to come up with.

First of all, you'd have to have a negative IQ to submit to a test measuring sociopath tendencies passed out to them by a random 13-year old, and yet you said you never got to work with negative numbers.

Don't get me wrong, football definantly deteriorates current society even lower than it's already abysmal score, but you are STILL an idiot who can't spell "republican" properly.

Sheesh, it's like George W. Bush saying "nucular".

Ah this is the post you were talking about. You can measure sociopathic tendencies, very easily.

It was a story, fictional. You understand? I didn't actually do any of this. Well I had to listen to my friend's fat, ugly sister babble about useless shit no one cares about.

Hey, you hate Bush I hate Bush. You think football corrupts minds, and so do I.

I'm sorry to say, but you and I see eye to eye. :eek: I know it must be hard for you.
Grigala
21-10-2004, 05:33
Ah this is the post you were talking about. You can measure sociopathic tendencies, very easily.

It was a story, fictional. You understand? I didn't actually do any of this. Well I had to listen to my friend's fat, ugly sister babble about useless shit no one cares about.

Hey, you hate Bush I hate Bush. You think football corrupts minds, and so do I.

I'm sorry to say, but you and I see eye to eye. :eek: I know it must be hard for you.

Actually, I was talking more about "Repbulican war pigs" but thanks anyway.

Yeah, I'm a liberal too. I just don't find myself getting along well with "hipocrits" (note incorrect spelling), regardless of affliation. I just hate republican hipocrites more. ;)

BTW, It's hard to tell with you what's fictional and what's not, but If I make a mistake in judging fiction levels, I apoligise, okay?