NationStates Jolt Archive

Theres some mystery over how the pope is actually chosen, but I'm willing to bet its fairly boring really. So I'd like to suggest some alternatives, tests of skill if you will, to ensure that the next pope has all the necessary talents to become a catholic:

Pope-mobile racing
This one is pretty self explanatory

Speed conversion
The first to sucessfully convert five unbelievers becomes the next pope.

Silly hat wearing]
Each candidate is offered a series of absurd hats. Whomever can put on each and every one without laughing wins.

Pick-the-black-pickled-egg-out-of-the-jar-blindfolded lucky pope challenge
God or dumb luck will smile on the best candidate.

Feel free to suggest your own.

Theres some mystery over how the pope is actually chosen, but I'm willing to bet its fairly boring really.

I think there are nominations and elections...

elections: pope elected for life by the College of Cardinals; election last held 16 October 1978 (next to be held after the death of the current pope); secretary of state appointed by the pope
Source. (http://www.cia.gov/cia/publications/factbook/geos/vt.html)

...but being disrespectful is cool too...

(I'm just messing around really, but its the fact that the whole thing is done in secret, with a puff of smoke to confirm that one has been chosen that makes some people say that its not done how we think its done)

(I'm just messing around really, but its the fact that the whole thing is done in secret, with a puff of smoke to confirm that one has been chosen that makes some people say that its not done how we think its done)
Maybe it's done in secret so people don't get all pissy about it and demand a recount?

Maybe it's done in secret so people don't get all pissy about it and demand a recount?
Again, I'm not serious.

Again, I'm not serious.
You know...you should go throw some racial slurs at a black guy in the Bronx or something...and after he shoots you, tell him you weren't serious.

Okay...


This one's going down like a lead balloon I feel.

i suggest a world wide tv show called POPE IDOL

all the cardinals would compete in various pope-like activities. feet washing, kissing the ground, mass blessing, saying mass in latin and modern languages, peeping into heaven to spy on whoever is up there, that kind of thing

all registered catholics would be able to vote by phone poll just like LESSER tv shows.

every week one or 2 cardinals would be dismissed (well i guess the first couple weeks the field would have to be cut in half)

in a few months, culminating at the nearest sweeps month, the new pope would be crowned on live tv

then he'd get his own CD and go on tour.

i suggest a world wide tv show called POPE IDOL

all the cardinals would compete in various pope-like activities. feet washing, kissing the ground, mass blessing, saying mass in latin and modern languages, peeping into heaving to spy on whoever is up there, that kind of thing

all registered catholics would be able to vote by phone poll just like LESSER tv shows.

every week one or 2 cardinals would be dismissed (well i guess the first couple weeks the field would have to be cut in half)

in a few months, culminating at the nearest sweeps month, the new pope would be crowned on live tv

then he'd get his own CD and go on tour.Lol!!!

i suggest a world wide tv show called POPE IDOL

all the cardinals would compete in various pope-like activities. feet washing, kissing the ground, mass blessing, saying mass in latin and modern languages, peeping into heaven to spy on whoever is up there, that kind of thing

all registered catholics would be able to vote by phone poll just like LESSER tv shows.

every week one or 2 cardinals would be dismissed (well i guess the first couple weeks the field would have to be cut in half)

in a few months, culminating at the nearest sweeps month, the new pope would be crowned on live tv

then he'd get his own CD and go on tour.

Great, :p :p :p
Don't forget the orgie with the Wienersangerknaben at the celebration party!

Great, :p :p :p
Don't forget the orgie with the Wienersangerknaben at the celebration party!
do i even what to know what that is??

Nine rounds of bare knuckle boxing.

How about Nintendo develops a game called Pope Party? The winner becomes Pope!

Bobbing for apples? Pope go cart racing? How many hot dogs can a pope candidate eat in 5 minutes?

How about we have a big tournament, called 'Papal Combat'?

Trial by ordeal.

Place em all in the catacombs below Rome - 1st one to make it through the maze and emerge through St. Peter's Bascillica is pope

How about Nintendo develops a game called Pope Party? The winner becomes Pope!
then we'll end up with an italian plumber for pope!

"To the Popemobile" *Batman theme plays*

Sorry, I was channeling the Family Guy again. :D

Trial by ordeal.

I say all religious debates get solved by some sort of trial by ordeal.

Perhaps all claimants to a position stand around a town square and if all but one gets hit by lightning then we know he's right (or Pope). If no one gets hit by lighting then we know that God doesn't give a rat's ass. I think people would be surprised by how open minded God would turn out to be.

Of course the ancient Chinese had a wonderful way of letting God decide who should be in charge. Pay attention to natural disasters. If Italy get's hit by a bunch of hurricaines, forest fires, plagues(or shortages of medicine), and volcanic eruptions well then we know God want's a new pres... I mean pope.

why not demand proof of a miracle? If it's good enough for Saints, it should ideal for Popes.

BTW, the Coptic Popes are selected at random.

why not demand proof of a miracle? If it's good enough for Saints, it should ideal for Popes.

BTW, the Coptic Popes are selected at random.

you mean like when the old dalai lama dies and they go out and pick an orphan off the streets and declare him to be the new dalai lama?

who is in the pool of random possibilities?

I'll go with "Silly hat wearing" or even better, "Silly hat craft contest" Which possible Pope can make the silliest hat and agree to wear it in public!

Are you high? :confused:

I say whip em out and measure their sizes.
Most people respect a guy with a big dick anyway.

I'll go with "Silly hat wearing" or even better, "Silly hat craft contest" Which possible Pope can make the silliest hat and agree to wear it in public!
*likes this one*

i suggest a world wide tv show called POPE IDOL

all the cardinals would compete in various pope-like activities. feet washing, kissing the ground, mass blessing, saying mass in latin and modern languages, peeping into heaven to spy on whoever is up there, that kind of thing

all registered catholics would be able to vote by phone poll just like LESSER tv shows.

every week one or 2 cardinals would be dismissed (well i guess the first couple weeks the field would have to be cut in half)

in a few months, culminating at the nearest sweeps month, the new pope would be crowned on live tv

then he'd get his own CD and go on tour.LOL!

Feel free to suggest your own.

Combat tournaments.
Ninja Cardinals vs Pirate Cardinals.
Mage Cardinals vs Biomech Monks.
And so on.

I liked the Pope Idol. :D

Although having them fight gladiator style would also be funny.

POPE COMBAT!

Competitors and incumbent are locked in a mortal duel.

But hmm, would you choose the one who's victorious? That might lead to highly aggressive Catholicism. Maybe choose the one who loses, since he's more peaceable, like Jesus.

i'd say have they narrow it down to two candidates (by voting on qualification and so forth), and then present the candidates with two glasses of wine. one glass will contain a lethal poision, the other will be safe, and each man must drink from one glass. whichever man dies was obviously the one God liked best, because He decided to bring that man into heaven first, so the dead guy becomes the Pope.

POPE COMBAT!

Competitors and incumbent are locked in a mortal duel.

But hmm, would you choose the one who's victorious? That might lead to highly aggressive Catholicism. Maybe choose the one who loses, since he's more peaceable, like Jesus.

Yeah, but there would be less religions then and so RE would be so much easier.
Also, would you argue with the winning contestant?

'I don't think you should be---'
*flash of steel and sound of your head and bollocks hitting the floor*

LMFAO @ pope idol


papal combat owns


lets see





we take all papal candidates and stick them in a giant cage, we let them duke it out and the last one standing wins

Leapope deathmatch.
Like leapfrog, but it's until the last Cardinal standing.

Papal bungee jumping; the last one to die of a heart attack wins.

you mean like when the old dalai lama dies and they go out and pick an orphan off the streets and declare him to be the new dalai lama?

who is in the pool of random possibilities?
Not quite - the Copts don't have to worry about having a ten your old being tricked into letting the Chinese in, as happened with the Panchen Lama (poor kid, how he's paid for other people's stupidity).

IIRC, every Coptic priest is in the draw. It seems to work pretty well - if nothing else, they have to make sure that incompetent priests are got rid off, for fear of them becoming the next Pope.

i'd say have they narrow it down to two candidates (by voting on qualification and so forth), and then present the candidates with two glasses of wine. one glass will contain a lethal poision, the other will be safe, and each man must drink from one glass. whichever man dies was obviously the one God liked best, because He decided to bring that man into heaven first, so the dead guy becomes the Pope.
I think you're onto something here, but your reasoning is wrong.

The way to choose the next Pope is to poison every Cardinal. You see:
"And these signs will follow those who believe:"
[snip]
"and if they drink anything deadly, it will by no means hurt them" Mark 16:17

Poisoning eliminates the unbelievers. Should multiple survive being poisoned, they can vote; if none do, start poisoning Archbishops and working down the heirarchy until a Pope is found.

I like the idea of trial by combat like they did in the original Star Trek when Kirk had to fight Spock. You could have that silly music playing and the weird axes and everything.
Shatner could adjudicate.


Either that or more Romanesque gladitorial battles.

Theres some mystery over how the pope is actually chosen, but I'm willing to bet its fairly boring really. So I'd like to suggest some alternatives, tests of skill if you will, to ensure that the next pope has all the necessary talents to become a catholic:

Pope-mobile racing
This one is pretty self explanatory

Speed conversion
The first to sucessfully convert five unbelievers becomes the next pope.

Silly hat wearing]
Each candidate is offered a series of absurd hats. Whomever can put on each and every one without laughing wins.

Pick-the-black-pickled-egg-out-of-the-jar-blindfolded lucky pope challenge
God or dumb luck will smile on the best candidate.

One word: Thunderdome. :D

Since people have already suggested martial pope combat, I have an alternative idea:

The Luge.

Pope Luge. :)

Cardinals compete in Pope-Poker.

I will refrain from going further about the Pope needing a good poker face for some of his duties.... :rolleyes:

You know...you should go throw some racial slurs at a black guy in the Bronx or something...and after he shoots you, tell him you weren't serious.

And how is this thread offensive?

Bar drinks mat flipping. Cardinal who flips the most beer mats and catches them with the same hand wins.

Paper, scissors, stone.

Beer mile. For those of you not familiar with this Olympic event, it goes pint, 400m, pint, 400m, pint, 400m, pint, 400m.

Domino rally.

Eeny Meeny Miny..POPE!

i hope somebody had already suggested papal mud wrestling. it seems so obvious.

i hope somebody had already suggested papal mud wrestling. it seems so obvious.

Naked Papal Mud Wrestling! :eek:

i hope somebody had already suggested papal mud wrestling. it seems so obvious.

They all have to wear luminous lycra vestments and give themselves silly names like The Popinator! or The Rock (on which I build my Church)

give all the candidates rifles and let them shoot each other. the survivor is pope, and could claim the the hand of god miraculously protected him from bullets, so his title is given to him by god. :D
(and it would rid the world of a few fanatics as well)

I think that a nice thumb war tournament would do the trick. And it's non-fatal. Christians will be more likely to go for that...arg, let go of my throat!

Naked Papal Mud Wrestling! :eek:

hot cardinal on cardinal action!

Jesus Loves you...

All night long .....!

As an Anglican it is not my place to give an opinion on how another religion should choose it's head.

As an Anglican it is not my place to give an opinion on how another religion should choose it's head.


yeah but you so blatently want to :p

You know...you should go throw some racial slurs at a black guy in the Bronx or something...and after he shoots you, tell him you weren't serious.
I'm going to go out on a limb, here, and guess that you're Catholic. If so, then as one Catholic to another: Take it easy. Even for the devout, it's good for a person to be able to laugh at oneself and ones own beliefs from time-to-time. ...and yes, I would like to think that I am a devout Catholic; when His Excellency gave Mass in Central Park in New York City, I watched it on television* and my heart sang with joy to hear young people, like myself, chant "John Paul Two, We Love You". Still, there is taking ones beliefs seriously, and then there's taking ones beliefs too seriously.

If you're not Catholic, and merely reminding people that due respect for other religions is called for, then I thank you for your concern.

* Unfortunately, I was not aware (until too late) that I had to get a ticket in advance or I would have gone in person. They were free tickets, but they were distributed first-come-first-serve; space was limited.

That said, I would like to point out that I don't exactly appreciate posts suggesting physical combat, orgies, or nudity, as these come just a little too close to trolling, in my opinion. I also don't exactly appreciate posts #27 (J0eg0d) or #36 (Brutanion; specifically the part about "last one to have a heart attack"); don't suggest anything that involves killing off candidates. I'll refrain from issuing official warnings, but do respect these limits or this thread will be locked and official warnings will be issued.

And how is this thread offensive?
This thread could be construed as being intended to provoke angry emotional responses without contributing any worthwhile discussion, which is part of the operational definition of "trolling" enforced on NationStates.

--The Modified Democratic States of Cogitation
"Think about it for a moment."
NationStates Game Moderator

...

Okay, now for the section of my post that isn't official....

I think you're onto something here, but your reasoning is wrong.

The way to choose the next Pope is to poison every Cardinal. You see:
"And these signs will follow those who believe:"
[snip]
"and if they drink anything deadly, it will by no means hurt them" Mark 16:17

Poisoning eliminates the unbelievers. Should multiple survive being poisoned, they can vote; if none do, start poisoning Archbishops and working down the heirarchy until a Pope is found.
You're forgetting something else: "Thou shalt not put the Lord, thy God, to the test." ;)

--The Democratic States of Cogitation
"Think about it for a moment."
Founder and Delegate of The Realm of Ambrosia

...

i suggest a world wide tv show called POPE IDOL

all the cardinals would compete in various pope-like activities. feet washing, kissing the ground, mass blessing, saying mass in latin and modern languages, peeping into heaven to spy on whoever is up there, that kind of thing

all registered catholics would be able to vote by phone poll just like LESSER tv shows.

every week one or 2 cardinals would be dismissed (well i guess the first couple weeks the field would have to be cut in half)

in a few months, culminating at the nearest sweeps month, the new pope would be crowned on live tv

then he'd get his own CD and go on tour.
I object to this on the grounds that any form of so-called "Reality TV" is undignified, in-and-of-itself, much less for the Holy Catholic Church. :p

--The Jovial States of Cogitation
"Laugh about it for a moment."
NationStates Self-Proclaimed Court Jester

Well, I personally like the "Pope Idol" idea. :D