NationStates Jolt Archive

I'll leave the author anonymous, unless he steps foward and claims this to be his writing (I don't intend this to turn into flaming), but I'm going to put up a passage that was given to me as an example of supposedly "good" writing. I am going to ignore grammar, spelling, and technical things, and point out why this is a bad passage, ignoring those things. Other passages are welcome to be posted here and discussed. If the author is a member of this message board, do not post their screen name with the passage unless you have their permission.

For The warrior who had walked these hallowed grounds, was a tall man and had a gaunt figure he had been above the middle branch of the small tree as was self evident from the branch which had been crushed under his foot the next step, and underneath the sounds I could hear something till one day unto the lastest hour the gaint approached.
For starters, it is obvious to me that this passage was written with the intent of impressing someone and therefore it sounds like the author is intentionally writing above his level. It therefore doesn't flow very well on the paragraph level but also has poor connectivity on the sentence level.
Now, I'll get a little bit nitpicky. The first thing is somewhere between technical and non-technical, but "gaint" is not a word. It may have been a typo and is supposed to be "giant," but I cannot be sure.
Word choice is confusing. First, we start with a warrior. This gives me the impression that we're discussing someone athletic, muscular, and strong. Next, the adjective "gaunt" is assigned to the warrior. There is no inherent problem with this as I suppose a warrior could become thin from disease, hunger, or cold, however, I don't think an emaciated warrior would quite be crushing anything as he traveled--even if it is just a branch from a tree.

I suppose I'll leave it at that for now and see if this thread catches any interest.

yeah I try someone told me I couldn't spell so I wrote using some words that roll of my tounge in real life and I was midly mimicking the rivals of sherlocks homes becasue it has an intelligentair to it and even I have trouble reading it has text smaller then most things.

Apparantly, it's pretty clear who the author is now. Is anyone here qualified to translate? We need a mediator pretty badly.

For The warrior who had walked these hallowed grounds, was a tall man and had a gaunt figure

There was a warrior giant.

he had been above the middle branch of the small tree as was self evident from the branch which had been crushed under his foot the next step

Or maybe he was, indeed, gaunt? He says that he was in a tree and you can tell because of the branch that had been broken off one branch above the middle branch, so he was at the top or something..

and underneath the sounds I could hear something till one day unto the lastest hour the gaint approached.

And he can hear stuff until the giant comes because he makes lots of noise?

I don't know.

I'm tired.

Good night.

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Enjoy!

Good or bad, I just have no idea what's going on in the passage. Words which might be used to create an image are used (sweet sweet passive voice... suck it English teachers) but the image is entirely unclear. Is the warrior climbing a tree, and if so why? Is he walking and stepping on branches that fell from a tree, and if so, what is this about the "middle branch." Lastly, underneath what sound what can be heard, by who (since the speaker doesn't seem to be the warrior, but doesn't have another part in this little scene) and what is the significance of the giant (if that's what it is) coming that whatever was heard is no longer heard?

"For The warrior who had walked these hallowed grounds, was a tall man and had a gaunt figure he had been above the middle branch of the small tree as was self evident from the branch which had been crushed under his foot the next step, and underneath the sounds I could hear something till one day unto the lastest hour the gaint approached."

Two translations, because it really could go either way.

'For indeed, the warrior who had walked these hallowed grounds was a tall, guant man. He had crushed the the branches of the tiny tree under his feet, covering the natural sounds around me. Every day I could hear him approach, even at this late hour.'

(Basically about a tall gaunt warrior who doesn't watch where he steps; he 'alerts' the narrator to his presence)

'The Warrior walked these hallowed grounds, he was tall; a giant figure who crushed the middle branches of a tree. It was evident he crushed the branch with his foot, but the sounds were covered by other noises. I could normally hear something here, but one day, in the late hour, this giant approached unnoticed."

(Roughly estimated to be about a massive warrior who could stomp on trees, but the noises of the enviornment made it so that this time, the giant sneaks up on the narrator)

Well...That's the best I could come up with. Just what the heck is this about?

Dang, now I need to go write some more...What is this story all about? Its caught my interest.

is this any better:
For the warrior, who had walked these hallowed grounds, was a tall man, and had a gaunt figure. He had been above the middle branch of the small tree; as was self evident from the branch which had been crushed under his foot...

this next bit makes so sense whatsoever:
...the next step, and underneath the sounds I could hear something till one day unto the lastest hour the gaint approached.