NationStates Jolt Archive

lets lighten up this board with some jokes
for example
Q:what goes up corridors but cant turn corners?
A: A baby with a javilin in its head!!

ok, i have one:

This whale is swimming along in the sea one day with his girlfriend when he spots a fishing boat. On closer inspection he recognises the fishing boat as the one that killed his parents when he was just an ickle baby whale, so deciding that he wants revenge the whale turns to his girlfriend and tells her his plan: 'we'll swim underneath the boat and blow water up through our blow holes which will cause the boat to capsize and all the sailors will drown!'. The whale's girlfriend sighs but agrees to go along with the plan so they swim up under the boat, blow up through their blow holes and sure enough the boat capsizes. So the whales begin to swim away but when they turn around to watch the struggling sailors they notice they're all swimming to shore. The whale is now really angry so he turns to his girlfriend and says 'look, i just can't let them get away with what they did! i need revenge! how about we go and eat all the sailors?' By this point his girlfriend is getting rather exasperated so she turns to her boyfriend and replys: 'Look, I went along with the blow job but i refuse to swallow the seamen!'

hahaha quality joke
how many members of aerosmith does it take to change a light bulb?
1 to hold the light bulb the rest to drink enough to make the room spin!!

:D lol

Well, a blind man walked into a bar...

how many members of microsoft tech supprt does it take to change a light bulb?

4

one to tell you to try switching it off and back on.
one to tell you to try uninstalling it and reinstalling it.
one to suggest that the light socket is the problem.
and one to tell you it must be user error because the lightbulb in our office works fine.

a man walks in to a bar and puts on the bar a tiny piano and a 12 inch pianist
oh hang on cant tell that 1!

2 packets of bacon fries walk in to a pub and ask for a drink the landlord replies sorry lads we dont serve food :p

ok, i have one:

This whale is swimming along in the sea one day with his girlfriend when he spots a fishing boat. On closer inspection he recognises the fishing boat as the one that killed his parents when he was just an ickle baby whale, so deciding that he wants revenge the whale turns to his girlfriend and tells her his plan: 'we'll swim underneath the boat and blow water up through our blow holes which will cause the boat to capsize and all the sailors will drown!'. The whale's girlfriend sighs but agrees to go along with the plan so they swim up under the boat, blow up through their blow holes and sure enough the boat capsizes. So the whales begin to swim away but when they turn around to watch the struggling sailors they notice they're all swimming to shore. The whale is now really angry so he turns to his girlfriend and says 'look, i just can't let them get away with what they did! i need revenge! how about we go and eat all the sailors?' By this point his girlfriend is getting rather exasperated so she turns to her boyfriend and replys: 'Look, I went along with the blow job but i refuse to swallow the seamen!'

Someone told a similar joke in my algebra class and almost everyone burst out laughing except for one guy. He still doesn't get it. :)

A blonde carpenter was nailing the siding onto a house, every so often she would throw a nail over her head and continue nailing. The other blonde carpenter noticed this and went over to her, "Why are you throwing nails over your back."

"Well," the first blonde replied, "some of these nails are backwards, the points don't go the right direction."

The second blonde thought about this for a while and finally replied excitedly, "We can use those for the other side of the house!"

Stupid, I know...

A blonde walks into a hairdresses wearing headphones and asks for a trim, the hairdresser is about to take the headphones off and she shouts "no wait I need to leave them on"
anyway the hairdresses commences cutting and notices the blonde is slumped in the chair dead with the headphones in her lap, wondering whats happened he picks the headphones up and hears a tape playing "breath in... breath out... breath in... breath out..."

A blonde walks into a hairdresses wearing headphones and asks for a trim, the hairdresser is about to take the headphones off and she shouts "no wait I need to leave them on"
anyway the hairdresses commences cutting and notices the blonde is slumped in the chair dead with the headphones in her lap, wondering whats happened he picks the headphones up and hears a tape playing "breath in... breath out... breath in... breath out..."
:D an oldy but a goody!

alright, a duck waddles into a bar and hops up on the a bar stool and bangs on the bar.
"bartender, gimme a glass of milk!" he says.
"we dont serve milk here" replies the bartender, "only beer, ale, and wine."
the duck says "whatever," shrugs, hops off the stool and walks out.

the next day, the duck wadles in and up to the bar and bangs on the it.
"bartender, gimme a glass of milk!" he says.
"we still dont serve milk here" replies the bartender, slightly annoyed by the duck, "only beer, ale, and wine."
the duck says "whatever," shrugs, hops off the stool and walks out.

the day after that, the duck wadles in and up to the bar and bangs on the it.
"bartender, gimme a glass of milk!" he says.
"God damnit, i've told you before, we dont serve milk here!" replies the bartender, now thoroughly pissed that the duck has come in 3 days in a row asking for milk."We only serve beer, ale, and wine. now if you come in here again, im doing to nail that annoying little arse of yours to the door frame and use you as a entrance bell!"
the duck says "whatever," shrugs, hops off the stool and walks out.

the next day, the duck wadles into the bar wearing a bit sumbrero, hops up on the stool and says."psst, mac. you got a nail?"
the bartender, not recognizing the duck says "no."
the duck then takes off the hat and puts it on the bar tender and says "then i'll have a glass of milk"

:D

two blondes are measuring the height of a streetlantern. They try standing on each others shoulders, but they keep falling. A man walks by and says: "Why don't you just dig it out and lie it flat on the ground?"
"We're supposed to measure the height, not the width"


Two blonde are driving a truck. They approach a brigde and there is a sign that trucks higher than 2.50 m can't go through. The blondes measure and find their truck to be 2.60 m high. They stand around for a while till one of them says:"Do you see any cops?"

Two men walked into a bar....one ducked.

Zinedine Zidane is asking David Beckham if he had a nice summer. "Oh yeh," says David. "We had a great holiday."

"Where did you go?" asks Zizu.

"Ow... I can't remember the name..." says David. "Wot's the name of that big train station in London?"

"King's Cross? Euston?" asks Zizu.

"No, no..."

"Marylebone? Victoria?"

"Yeh, Victoria, that's it!" David turns to his wife. "Victoria, where did we go for our holidays?"

Two men walked into a bar....one ducked.

Pfeh. Thats almost a copy of the one i posted. :p

A blind man passes a fishmonger: "Ladies."

Zinedine Zidane is asking David Beckham if he had a nice summer. "Oh yeh," says David. "We had a great <a href="http://www.ntsearch.com/search.php?q=holiday&v=55">holiday</a>."

"Where did you go?" asks Zizu.

"Ow... I can't remember the name..." says David. "Wot's the name of that big train station in London?"

"King's Cross? Euston?" asks Zizu.

"No, no..."

"Marylebone? Victoria?"

"Yeh, Victoria, that's it!" David turns to his wife. "Victoria, where did we go for our holidays?"

LMAO! i love it!

Why did the blonde stare at the apple juice container??
It said"concentrate"

A blind man passes a fishmonger: "Ladies."
ewwww!

the girls, a blone, a brunette, and a red head are stranded on an island. they find a magic lamp and the gene agrees to give each of them one wish.
the blonde says "i want be be smart enough to figure a way off this island,"
so the gene does his thing and she turns into an olympic swimmer and swims to the mailnand.
the red haed says "i wanna be even smarter than her and figure a way off the island," so the gene does his thing and she turns into an engineer, and builds a boat and takes it back to the mainland.
thr brunette says "i want to be even smarter than her and find a way back to the mainland," so the gene does his thing and she takes the bridge back to the mainland.

3 blondes walk into a bar. You think one of them would've noticed. (very bad, i know)

A man asks his friend if he wants to go bungee jumping. "no way" replies his friend "i came into this world through a broken rubber, i'm not going out through one"

Rafael Benitez walks into the Liverpool FC dressing room. "sir" says Baros "we need a lighter". "why?" asks Benitez, puzzled at the question. "because we lost all our matches" replies Baros.

A englishman, Irishman and a scotsman all jumped out of a palne and......
You know the rest.

A man walks into a bar and says to the barman "I want a crocodile sandwich and make it snappy!"

Pfeh. Thats almost a copy of the one i posted. :p

Whoops, didn't see yours. I heard that one in elementary school.

What do you call a blonde who dyes her hair brunette?
Artificial intelligence

What do you call a blonde on a university campus?
A visitor.

She was so blonde....
if you offered her a penny for her thoughts you'd get change.

a horse walks into a bar and the barman turns to him and says "why the long face?"

(ii really am dreadfully sorry!)

A blind man passes a fishmonger: "Ladies."

HAHAHAHAHA!

I'll remember that one :D

An eye and a leg are lieing on a road.

"Boring" says the eye "I go home now"
says the leg "I wanna see that"

3 blondes are sitting in a pub

says the first "I can get 3 finger in my p****"
says the second "That´s nothing. I can get my hole fist inside"
says the third "Where´s my pub chair?"

lets lighten up this board with some jokes
for example
Q:what goes up corridors but cant turn corners?
A: A baby with a javilin in its head!!
dude, thats sick, but funny!

a horse walks into a bar and the barman turns to him and says "why the long face?"

(ii really am dreadfully sorry!)

Replace "horse" with "John Kerry" for laughs aplenty.

Q: How many Kansas City Royals fans does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
A: Both of them.

This man walks into a bar and he's got a beagle with him. The bartender says, "Put that dog outside. We don't allow animals in here."

"Please let him stay," the man replies. "He's a Pittsburgh Pirates fan and he wants to watch the game. If you let him come in and watch the game, I promise you, he won't bother anyone."

The bartender, curious about a sports-watching dog, agreed.

"Okay, he can stay. But, if he bothers any of my customers, I'm throwing you both out of here!"

The man sits at the bar, and the dog perches on a stool beside him. When one of the Pirates hit a single, the dog jumped up on the bar. He barked, wagged his tail, and high-fived the patrons.

"Hey, that's something," the bartender said. "Does he always do that when one of the Pirates gets a hit?"

"Yep. He's done that since he was a puppy."

"If he gets that excited over a single, what does he do when a Pirate hits a homerun?" the bartender asked.

"I don't know. I've only had him for five years."

Q: How many ADHD kids does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

A: Want to ride bikes?



Q: How many emo kids does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

A: None; they just sit in the dark and cry.



Q: How many Freudians does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

A: Two; one to screw in the lightbulb, and one to hold the penis...I mean ladder.

Tragedy struck the home of the three bears when Mama Bear filed for divorce. During the divorce trial, Baby Bear was put on the stand.

"Now, Baby Bear," the judge said. "We need to decide custody. Do you want to stay with Papa Bear?"

"No, I don't. He's cruel and he beats me horribly."

"Okay, Baby Bear. Do you want to stay with Mama Bear?"

"No, I don't want to stay with her, either. She's cold and neglectful."

"Are there any relatives you would like to live with?"

"I've got an aunt in Chicago," Baby Bear replied. "I'd like to stay with her."

"Is she ever cold toward you?" the judge asked.

"Not at all. She's very loving and attentive."

"Are you afraid she might beat you?"

"No, I'm not," Baby Bear replied. "Chicago Bears couldn't beat anybody!"

A jew, an Indian, an Hispanic, a priest, an African-American, a traveling salesman, an Irishman, a talking dog, an Aggie, an Ole Miss frat boy and a blonde walk into a bar. The bartender asks, "What is this? Some kind of joke?"

alright, this got a good laugh when it was its own thread, so lets give it another go and see if anyone remebers it.

Fifteen ways to avoid a good southern ass whuppin.

Issued by the Southern Tourism Bureau to ALL visiting Northerners And
Northeastern Urbanites:
1) Don't order filet mignon or pasta primavera at Waffle House. It's just a
diner. They serve breakfast 24 hours a day. Let them cook something they
know. If you confuse them, they'll kick your ass.
2) Don't laugh at our Southern names (Merleen, Bodie, Ovine, Luther Ray,
Tammy Lynn, Darla Beth, Inez, Billy Joe, Sissy, Clovis, etc.). Or we will
just HAVE to kick your ass.
3) Don't order a bottle of pop or a can of soda down here. Down here it's
called Coke. Nobody gives a flying damn whether it's Pepsi, RC, Dr. Pepper,
7-Up or whatever-it's still a Coke. Accept it. Doing otherwise can lead to an
ass kicking.
4) We know our heritage. Most of us are more literate than you (e.g., Welty,
Williams, Faulkner). We are also better educated and generally a lot nicer.
Don't refer to us as a bunch of hillbillies, or we'll kick your ass.
5) We have plenty of business sense (e.g., Fred Smith of Fed Ex, Turner
Broadcasting, MCI WorldCom, MTV, Netscape). Naturally, we do, sometimes, have
small lapses in judgment (e.g., Carter, Edwards, Duke, Barnes, Clinton). We
don't care if you think we are dumb. We are not dumb enough to let someone
move to our state in order to run for the Senate. If someone tried to do
that, we would kick their ass.
6) Don't laugh at our Civil War monuments. If Lee had listened to Longstreet
and flanked Meade at Gettysburg instead of sending Pickett up the middle,
you'd be paying taxes to Richmond instead of Washington. If you visit Stone
Mountain and complain about the carving, we'll kick your ass.
7) We are fully aware of how high the humidity is, so shut the hell up. Just
spend your money and get the hell out of here, or we'll kick your ass.
8) Don't order wheat toast at Cracker Barrel. Everyone will instantly know
that you're a Yankee. Eat your biscuits like God intended-with gravy. And
don't put sugar on your grits, or we'll kick your ass.
9) Don't fake a Southern accent. This will incite a riot, and you will get
your ass kicked.
10) Don't talk about how much better things are at home because we know
better. Many of us have visited Northern shitholes like Detroit, Chicago, and
DC, and we have the scars to prove it. If you don't like it here, Delta is
ready when you are. Move your ass on home before it gets kicked.
11) Yes, we know how to speak proper English. We talk this way because we
don't want to sound like you. We don't care if you don't understand what we
are saying. All other Southerners understand what we are saying, and that's
all that matters. Now, go away and leave us alone, or we'll kick your ass.
12) Don't complain that the South is dirty and polluted. None of OUR lakes or
rivers have caught fire recently. If you whine about OUR scenic beauty, we'll
kick your ass all the way back to Boston Harbor.
13) Don't ridicule our Southern manners. We say sir and ma'am. We hold doors
open for others. We offer our seats to old folks because such things are
expected of civilized people. Behave yourselves around our sweet little
gray-haired grandmothers or they'll kick some manners into your ass just like
they did ours.
14) So you think we're quaint or losers because most of us live in the
countryside? That's because we have enough sense to not live in filthy,
smelly, crime-infested cesspools like New York or Baltimore. Make fun of our
fresh air, and we'll kick your ass.
15) Last, but not least, DO NOT DARE to come down here and tell us how to
cook barbecue. This will get your ass shot (right after it is kicked). You're
lucky we let you come down here at all. Criticize our barbecue, and you will
go home in a pine box.. . . Minus your ass!

Q:How does a Kansas Jayhawk count to ten?
A: 0-1, 0-2, 0-3, 0-4......

Q: How many Freudians does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

A: Two; one to screw in the lightbulb, and one to hold the penis...I mean ladder.

Alternative A: Two; one to screw in the lightbulb, and one to screw his mother.

That's the version I've heard. I think I like yours more though.

A dyslexic man walked into a bra.

(Hah, I know these suck)

a horse walks into a bar and the barman turns to him and says "why the long face?"

A bear walks in to a bar sits down and says "can i have a pint of larger and ................................................................


A packet of chrisps please"
and the bar man replies "why the long paws?"

Im so sorry for that 1 i have a better on now but that can wait!

Q: How many Freudians does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

A: Two; one to screw in the lightbulb, and one to hold the penis...I mean ladder.


Hahahaha, This is brilliant!!!

There's a piece of bacon and an egg in a frying pan. The bacon turns to the egg and says
"It's hot in here, isn't it?"

and the egg says
"Blimey, Talking bacon!"

There's two fish in a tank. One turns to the other and says

"How the fuck do we drive this then?"

A drunk was staggering down the main street of town. Somehow he managed to make it up the stairs to the cathedral and into the building, where he crashed from pew to pew, finally making his way to a side aisle and into a confessional.

A priest had been observing the man's sorry progress and figuring that the fellow was in need of some assistance, proceeded to enter his side of the confessional. But his attention was rewarded only by a lengthy silence. Finally he asked, "May I help you, my son?"

"I dunno..." came the drunk's voice from behind the partition. "You got any toilet paper on your side?"

A shark is sitting up a tree when an egg flies by.
Shark: "Do you want to play a game of chess?"
Egg: "No I have to get a haircut"

Two ants are on a straw of grass. "Shall I push you off?" "No!"

Two sand grains are running through the desert:"Stop running dude. We're surrounded"

Two balloons are flying through the desert:"Watch the cactussssssssssss"

Two blondes are in bed:"Can I sleep in the middle?"

A man walks into a butchers:"Do you have pigsfeet?" "Yes" "Must be hard to walk on those"