NationStates Jolt Archive

Another sociology-related topic...

Do any of you have any experience with adoption?

Do you see adoption as a viable alternative to abortion? It seems to be a wonderful way for extremely young or ill-prepared parents to give their child the opportunity of a life the birth parents can't provide.

Do you believe that open adoption is easier for both the adopted child, adoptive parents, and birth parents? Or do you believe a closed adoption would be easier on everyone involved (most importantly the child)?

Open adoption is a relatively new and increasingly more common alternative to a closed adoption. The birth parent/s continue to have an active communication with their child and the adoptive parents of their child, hence the child has less questions about why they don't live with their birth parents, etc. They grow up knowing that they are adopted, and are able to form their own opinions and feelings about it throughout their lives. This allows for the possibility of an active relationship between the child and the birth parent/s in the future.

Would you rather know that you were adopted all along, or have the truth sprung on you later? Does it matter? If you were an adopted child who grew up knowing your birth parents quite well, would this make the reality easier on you?

Hefty questions, respectful yet free flowing discussion, please. :)

i believe a parent should never lie to their child, so the parent of an adopted kid needs to be honest about that child's biological origin. if the child wishes to meet their biological parent or parents then the family should decide whether that contact is appropriate or not (given the child's age, the situation, etc). i don't think a person who puts a child up for adoption should ever be allowed to initiate the contact, but if the child wishes to initiate then they should be free to respond if they so desire.

Actually, I was just reading up on this further.

Most adoptions these days are completely open adoptions. This means that the birth parent/s meet with different prospective adoptive parents, choose one couple that they feel will best raise their child, and form a close relationship with them. The birth parents are allowed to initiate contact with their child, and in most cases, the adoptive family and birth parents get together for visits and correspond regularly.

Open adoption and allowing both birth parents and their adopted children to contact each other whenever they like has significantly helped improve the mental health of everyone involved in the adoption, even the adoptive parents. Children have benefitted greatly from this new form of adoption. Children adopted through closed adoptions that are now adults are lobbying to have law repealed that hinder them from contacting their birth parents. Another large benefit of open adoption, besides helping everyone involved feel more comfortable with the situation, is that the child has complete and immediate access to family history (most importantly, medical history), should they ever be interested or need to know these things.

I found some credible statistics on some reliable informational websites should anyone want the links.

Actually, I was just reading up on this further.

Most adoptions these days are completely open adoptions. This means that the birth parent/s meet with different prospective adoptive parents, choose one couple that they feel will best raise their child, and form a close relationship with them. The birth parents are allowed to initiate contact with their child, and in most cases, the adoptive family and birth parents get together for visits and correspond regularly.

Open adoption and allowing both birth parents and their adopted children to contact each other whenever they like has significantly helped improve the mental health of everyone involved in the adoption, even the adoptive parents. Children have benefitted greatly from this new form of adoption. Children adopted through closed adoptions that are now adults are lobbying to have law repealed that hinder them from contacting their birth parents. Another large benefit of open adoption, besides helping everyone involved feel more comfortable with the situation, is that the child has complete and immediate access to family history (most importantly, medical history), should they ever be interested or need to know these things.

I found some credible statistics on some reliable informational websites should anyone want the links.

personally, i think that if an adopted child needs to have ongoing contact with their birth parent then the adoptive parents have failed to meet the needs of the child sufficiently. the problem is that people are raised to think that whoever provides your DNA must have something to do with who you are as a person, when the reality is that who your biological parents are is only important for medical reasons, to establish medical history in case there are any problems in your life. your family history is the history of your adoptive parents, not of your birth parents; your culture, your history, your background are the things your family and upbringing and personal experience gives to you, not something that is imprinted in DNA. to say that real diversity is about skin color is one of the leftover racists beliefs that hasn't yet been teased out of society, and i don't understand why people would persist in the idea that your "roots" or "culture" is determined by the DNA of the sperm and egg that brought about your existence. if the adoptive family has failed to help their child understand these facts then they have screwed up in serious ways.

Another sociology-related topic...

Do any of you have any experience with adoption?

Do you see adoption as a viable alternative to abortion? It seems to be a wonderful way for extremely young or ill-prepared parents to give their child the opportunity of a life the birth parents can't provide.

Do you believe that open adoption is easier for both the adopted child, adoptive parents, and birth parents? Or do you believe a closed adoption would be easier on everyone involved (most importantly the child)?

Open adoption is a relatively new and increasingly more common alternative to a closed adoption. The birth parent/s continue to have an active communication with their child and the adoptive parents of their child, hence the child has less questions about why they don't live with their birth parents, etc. They grow up knowing that they are adopted, and are able to form their own opinions and feelings about it throughout their lives. This allows for the possibility of an active relationship between the child and the birth parent/s in the future.

Would you rather know that you were adopted all along, or have the truth sprung on you later? Does it matter? If you were an adopted child who grew up knowing your birth parents quite well, would this make the reality easier on you?

Hefty questions, respectful yet free flowing discussion, please. :)

I've recently been doing a fair bit of research into the local orphanages in the Ottawa capital region between 1890 and 1930, wading through 100s of letters and legal documents sent to the orphanages. This may seem a bit odd as a reply to a thread about open vs closed adoptions, but it does relate. Orphanages in Ottawa (and indeed most cities) in the late 1800's and early 1900's often had more children with living parents than actual orphans. ie: the one Orphange listed almost 75% of it's children as having 1 or more living parent. Very often what would happen is a family that was destitute (due to loss of employment, etc...) would leave their children with the orphanage, and agree to pay a monthly sum to maintain their children. It wasn't uncommon for the orphanage to have to pay to maintain these children for several months to several years while their parents struggled to find work. I have found several unpaid bills made out to parents for accumulated amounts up to $200 and $300 (which between 1890 and 1930 was a substantial amount of money).
While some parents however would go the route of attempting to pay for the upkeep of their children to avoid them being adopted, some parents (usually single mother's) would give the Orphanage permission to find good homes for their children. I've also found many letters written by these same parents, 3 to 10 years later, demanding the Orphanage tell them where their children have been placed so they can pick them up, as they now have better lives and can care for them. The legal system at the time seemed wildly inconsistant, in that in some instances the courts would demand the orphanages to release the whereabouts of the children, and that they be returned to their biological parents (even in instances where court records have noted strong evidence of alcoholism, and abusive behaviour). In other instances the courts would uphold the orphanages right to withhold child's location.
It is saddening to read the number of letters from adoptive parents who had the child they had adopted several years early, literally torn from their home, and often returned to parents who were in no shape to care for them (in Ottawa anyway, I've found that almost 60% of children returned to their parents, ended up back in the orphanage by the same parents within 5 years.). Even more saddening is the reports about the children involved, who had been originally abandoned by their parents (giving them profound feeling of guilt and depression), to go into a home where they were usually cared for and loved, and then ripped out of that home (producing feelings of confusion, anger and depression), and then to be abandoned yet again. Unfortunately, it's often almost impossible to trace these children into their adult lives, but the few I've managed to locate suffered from alcoholism, and a couple of suicides.
My personal view, is that adoptions should be closed, from the biological parent perspective. Once a child is placed in a family, the parents should lose all rights to contact the child. If the child, once old enough to decide, wishes information about his/her biological parents, then it should be released to them, unless specifically requested otherwise by the biological parent in which case medical records should be made availible if required. This however is only my opinion.

That is very interesting research indeed, and I'd be very interested in hearing more about it.

There is still a problem with adoptees being denied their right to access their original birth certificates in order to track down their birth parents.

Studies show that 65% of children wish to establish a relationship with their birth parents, and 95% of adoptees that are now adults want to or do have an active relationship with their birth parents.

I don't think it has anything to do with the parenting skilles of the adoptive parents. I do agree that family can have nothing to do with biology, but I understand the findings of studies which declare children of open adoptions healthier. It's human nature to wonder about your roots, and in open adoptions, there are no unanswered questions.

I also do not believe that the birth parents should be punished for taking the high road and not aborting their baby. Adoption takes courage from everyone involved, and everything should be done to assure that the child is the center of everyone's concern.

Do you see adoption as a viable alternative to abortion? It seems to be a wonderful way for extremely young or ill-prepared parents to give their child the opportunity of a life the birth parents can't provide.

I don't see it as a viable alternative to abortion, no. A nine-month pregnancy, then labour, birth and giving up a baby is not an easy thing to do, physically, emotionally or financially. It should be (and always has been) an available option, but it's not a replacement.

On the issue of adoption, it should really be up to the preferences of the biological and adoptive parents. If they decide not to tell the child he or she is adopted, I don't see the harm, although personally I think it would be a mistake -- if only because an accidental discovery later in life could be traumatic. But it's none of my business. Equally, children who know that they are adopted should not have an automatic right to contact their birth parents, if their birth parents don't want such contact -- and vice-versa. These are personal issues and should be settled on a personal basis.

I am adopted. As are my three other siblings. My parents adopted all 4 of us from different people (in other words none of us are blood related) They adopted us all as babies, so we never knew we were adopted and my parents planned to keep it that way. Then my brother when I was about 13 broke into my parents "strong box" ( a locked box where they kept their important papers) and discovered we had all been adopted. My parents denied it was true. We know for a fact now (and have for many years) that it is true. It's still a touchy subject and we don't discuss it. I'm about the only person in my family who is open about it, but not around my family as it upsets my mother.

My father passed away in 2001 and my mother is in her 70's and quite ill. They came from a generation where these things were kept secret. I don't blame them, after all it takes some pretty amazing people to adopt 4 children. I also understand that 35-40 years ago society viewed things in a different way then today. I also don't blame my birth mother (haven't a clue who she is) because I guess she did what she believed was the right thing to do. Although it would be nice one day to at least meet her. I have a mother, she is the women who raised me. However, it will still be nice to learn some thing of the women who gave birth to me.

I believe adoption should be open. Keeping secrets such as adoption from the adoptee in my opinion is wrong. It caused me much hardship and mental distress in my youth. I believe it lead me to rebel in ways I might of never done in hindsight. To keep a secret like that from a child I believe is damaging to the child, I speak with first hand knowledge. While I don't blame any one now and am happy in my life and successful, it wasn't always the case. I blamed them for a very long time and was a very angry person. I over came it. However it was some thing I should of never had to over come in the way I had to.

I think that the biological parents should have the option of a closed or open adoption. There are instances where they give up the child for good reason, and further contact 18 years down the road doesn't do any good.

A friend of mine recently found his birth mother. He had sued the adoption agency for her information, hired a private detective, and spent months searching for her. He finally had a phone number and called her to ask to meet, only to be told "I was raped by a friend of my father when I was 15, and you were the result. Don't ever call me again."

It's not all happy endings, guys. If the mother wants privacy, let her have it.

I am adopted. As are my three other siblings. My parents adopted all 4 of us from different people (in other words none of us are blood related) They adopted us all as babies, so we never knew we were adopted and my parents planned to keep it that way. Then my brother when I was about 13 broke into my parents "strong box" ( a locked box where they kept their important papers) and discovered we had all been adopted. My parents denied it was true. We know for a fact now (and have for many years) that it is true. It's still a touchy subject and we don't discuss it. I'm about the only person in my family who is open about it, but not around my family as it upsets my mother.

My father passed away in 2001 and my mother is in her 70's and quite ill. They came from a generation where these things were kept secret. I don't blame them, after all it takes some pretty amazing people to adopt 4 children. I also understand that 35-40 years ago society viewed things in a different way then today. I also don't blame my birth mother (haven't a clue who she is) because I guess she did what she believed was the right thing to do. Although it would be nice one day to at least meet her. I have a mother, she is the women who raised me. However, it will still be nice to learn some thing of the women who gave birth to me.

I believe adoption should be open. Keeping secrets such as adoption from the adoptee in my opinion is wrong. It caused me much hardship and mental distress in my youth. I believe it lead me to rebel in ways I might of never done in hindsight. To keep a secret like that from a child I believe is damaging to the child, I speak with first hand knowledge. While I don't blame any one now and am happy in my life and successful, it wasn't always the case. I blamed them for a very long time and was a very angry person. I over came it. However it was some thing I should of never had to over come in the way I had to.


Thank you for sharing this, Steph. Your personal insight is appreciated, and this really helps me understand better.

Are there any other adoptees here that would like to offer insight into their feelings? I feel that open adoption is an important subject of discussion, as it becomes the norm more and more every day. I know it's hard to speculate if you've never been in the situation, but if you were adopted, would you prefer to know it from the beginning, as Steph says? What if you woke up today and found out you were adopted and no one told you?

my sister in law had her ex husbands parental rights terminated when her kids were little more than babies. when she remarried, her new husband adopted her children.

i never realized that her children didnt know that they had been adopted.

when her son was 15 he "found out" i dont remember how that happened. but it really threw him for a loop. he couldnt deal with the idea that his dad wasnt his father. he ended up moving in with his "real" dad in another state. (the man was still scum 15 years later so it wasnt a good thing) it took him almost 10 years to get his life back on track and become the good man he is today.

secrets are time bombs. the likelihood is that the child will find out (no matter what the secret is) and that s/he will resent you for not telling it from the beginning.

I agree. I was very snoopy as a child, as many kids are. The inevitability of eventual discovery is clear.

Two of my cousins are adopted, and the whole family including them, have always known it. However, we tend to forget it unless something brings it to our attention....


My cousin's hair began to thin when he was in his early thirties, and my mom said, "But you don't have to worry -- both of your grandfathers had full heads of hair until the end of their lives." He answered, "Yes, but I'm ADOPTED."

They don't know who their birth parents are, as far as I know, but to us it's really made no difference at all. As far as I know, they've never been interested in searching for them, either.

I agree. I was very snoopy as a child, as many kids are. The inevitability of eventual discovery is clear.

And in the weirdest ways. I had a biology prof who almost got sued by a student's parents over this. Basically, the student had brown eyes, while both of his (adoptive) parents had blue. In a class that discussed basic genetics, he found that brown eyes come from a dominant gene - basically that he could not have gotten the brown eyed gene from two blue-eyed parents. When he asked the prof, the prof replied that it was possible, although unlikely, for a mutation to have ocurred that gave him brown eyes. The student went home and asked his parents and was finally told that he was adopted. The mother then called and wanted to sue the prof for teaching genetics.

I can understand her wish for her child to really be hers, but lying to your kids about something this fundamental is just wrong, if only because, for medical reasons, a person needs to know if their parents are actually their biological parents.

Do any of you have any experience with adoption?

My mother had a child very early on in life (in her teens) that she gave up for adoption. However, it was not through the system really - it was all set up by the doctor.

Do you see adoption as a viable alternative to abortion? It seems to be a wonderful way for extremely young or ill-prepared parents to give their child the opportunity of a life the birth parents can't provide.

In some cases, when the woman is willing to go through the pregnancy and will actually give the child up at the end, yes. But it is not always a viable option.

Do you believe that open adoption is easier for both the adopted child, adoptive parents, and birth parents? Or do you believe a closed adoption would be easier on everyone involved (most importantly the child)?

I think the birth parent should decide that at the beginning. However, it should not be a situation where they are constantly popping in on the child's life unless the adoptive parents want that.

My mother was contacted by the adoptive parents when the child she gave up for adoption was about 15. The girl had been raised well (although maybe spoiled a little too much) by the parents that had adopted her. They had been honest with her about having been adopted. However, the girl had hit her rebellious stage and was constantly using the "My real mother would let me do it" line. The parents wanted my mother to talk to her.

It was hard for my mother to be contacted after all that time about a part of her life she had left behind. However, in the end, she wrote the girl a letter stating basically that the parents that raised her were her real parents and that if, once she turned 18, she still wanted to meet, they would arrange it. I believe they met once.

Would you rather know that you were adopted all along, or have the truth sprung on you later?

Know all along. Of course, I say that from the point of view of someone who was not adopted.

Does it matter?

Yes.

If you were an adopted child who grew up knowing your birth parents quite well, would this make the reality easier on you?

I think this is too case-specific. If your birth parents were good people that just couldn't handle a baby and they got along swimmingly with your adoptive parents, probably. However, I think that in most cases it would just be horribly confusing and the child would use the two sets of parents against each other when rebellion set in.

Do you see adoption as a viable alternative to abortion?
Let's see. Taking a human life vs. giving them a chance at a better life. That pretty much tells you that I think adoption is better.

Actually, my parents are adopting a 6-year-old and it is finally getting close to being completed. :D