NationStates Jolt Archive

Ok, so there are all so many serious threads about Bush and Kerry, and since I'm not american, I'm not interested. But I'll lighten it up a bit for you.(Btw, I know it's slightly old but oh well)

Bush goes to a school one day to teach everyone about government. Once he's got near the end, he asks for any questions about it.
Billy puts his hand up and says,
"I have 3 questions.
1.Why did you invade Iraq without support from the UN?
2.How come you became president even when Gore got more votes?
3.Whatever happened to Osama Bin Laden?"
Suddenly the recess bell goes and Bush says he'll answer after the break.
When they get back in, Bush asks for more questions.
One kid puts his hand up and asks,
"1.Why did you invade Iraq without support from the UN?
2.How come you became president even when Gore got more votes?
3.Whatever happened to Osama Bin Laden?
4.Why did the recess bell go 20 minutes early?
5.Where the fuck is Billy?"

George, Pablo, and Abdul are in a bar one night.

George is drinking iced-tea jello shooters.

Pablo chugs his beer, throws the glass into the air, pulls out his pistola and obliterates the glass with one shot.

He says, "In Mexico our glasses are so cheap we don't need to drink out of the same one twice..!"

Abdul, impressed with Pablo's dead aim, chugs his beer and flings the glass into the air, pulls his pistol and shatters the glass into shards.

He says, "In the desert we have so much sand for glass that we never need to drink from the same glass twice either..!"

George, slamming down his shot of jello, flings the shot glass into the air, pulls out his pistol, shoots Pablo and Abdul, and catches his glass before it hits the ground.

He says to the bartender, "Where I'm from, we have so many Latinos and Arabs, that we don't need to drink with the same ones twice.."


(( Ooooo,... was that non-PC...!? :) I imagine so..! Yet curiously offensive AND funny! ))

George, Pablo, and Abdul are in a bar one night.

George is drinking iced-tea jello shooters.

Pablo chugs his beer, throws the glass into the air, pulls out his pistola and obliterates the glass with one shot.

He says, "In Mexico our glasses are so cheap we don't need to drink out of the same one twice..!"

Abdul, impressed with Pablo's dead aim, chugs his beer and flings the glass into the air, pulls his pistol and shatters the glass into shards.

He says, "In the desert we have so much sand for glass that we never need to drink from the same glass twice either..!"

George, slamming down his shot of jello, flings the shot glass into the air, pulls out his pistol, shoots Pablo and Abdul, and catches his glass before it hits the ground.

He says to the bartender, "Where I'm from, we have so many Latinos and Arabs, that we don't need to drink with the same ones twice.."


(( Ooooo,... was that non-PC...!? :) I imagine so..! Yet curiously offensive AND funny! ))
Oh yes, absolutely hilarious...

Oh yes, absolutely hilarious...
I know I should'nt laugh but its funny :)

I know I should'nt laugh but its funny :)
Sorry, I forgot to say, that was *sarcasm*...

George, Pablo, and Abdul are in a bar one night.

George is drinking iced-tea jello shooters.

Pablo chugs his beer, throws the glass into the air, pulls out his pistola and obliterates the glass with one shot.

He says, "In Mexico our glasses are so cheap we don't need to drink out of the same one twice..!"

Abdul, impressed with Pablo's dead aim, chugs his beer and flings the glass into the air, pulls his pistol and shatters the glass into shards.

He says, "In the desert we have so much sand for glass that we never need to drink from the same glass twice either..!"

George, slamming down his shot of jello, flings the shot glass into the air, pulls out his pistol, shoots Pablo and Abdul, and catches his glass before it hits the ground.

He says to the bartender, "Where I'm from, we have so many Latinos and Arabs, that we don't need to drink with the same ones twice.."


(( Ooooo,... was that non-PC...!? :) I imagine so..! Yet curiously offensive AND funny! ))

Offensive? not really, only for PCness freaks... Funny? definitely not. Must be an american joke, they never make me laugh.

i'd say it's quite funny

Last weekend, the presidential library burned down. Both books were destroyed.

A spokesman said the president was devastated. He hadn't even finished coloring the second one yet.

Last weekend, the presidential library burned down. Both books were destroyed.

A spokesman said the president was devastated. He hadn't even finished coloring the second one yet.
Now this one is funny.

lol

Last weekend, the presidential library burned down. Both books were destroyed.

A spokesman said the president was devastated. He hadn't even finished coloring the second one yet.
Now this one is funny...

Last weekend, the presidential library burned down. Both books were destroyed.

A spokesman said the president was devastated. He hadn't even finished coloring the second one yet.

BAHAHAHAHA!!!!!

Last weekend, the presidential library burned down. Both books were destroyed.

A spokesman said the president was devastated. He hadn't even finished coloring the second one yet.

Excellent..! :D

Very concise. Very nice..!

Got any variations on that one? Perhaps involving the word "newcyular"..!?

We need more humor like that in todays world!

Was it "My Pet Goat"? I hear he loves that one :)

So...

John Kerry invites the Pope on a 'Swift Boat' tour of Boston Harbor. Naturally, a whole gaggle of reporters are there.

During the tour, a gust of wind catches the Pope's robes like a sail and blows him overboard. Kerry jumps out of the boat, swims through the water, grabs the Pope, and hauls him safely back to the boat.

Next day, the headlines read "Kerry Saves Pope from Watery Grave!"


So...

A few weeks later, Bush takes the Pope on a yacht tour of Washington. Naturally, the swarm of reporters is with them again.

As they're crossing the Potomac, another gust of wind comes up, and again the Pope gets blown into the water (poor guy!)

Bush jumps out of the boat, WALKS across the water, pickes up the Pope, and carries him safely back to the boat.

Next day, the headlines read...

"BUSH CAN'T SWIM!"

Subject: Terrorist Alert

At New York's Kennedy Airport today, an individual later discovered to be a public school teacher was arrested trying to board a flight while in possession of a ruler, protractor, setsquare, slide rule and a calculator.

At a morning press conference, attorney general John Ashcroft said he believes the man is a member of the notorious al-gebra movement. He is being charged by the FBI with carrying weapons of math instruction.

"Al-gebra is a fearsome cult," Ashcroft said. "They desire average solutions by means and extremes, and sometimes go off on tangents in a search for absolute value. They use secret code names like X or Y and refer to themselves as "unknowns", but we have determined they belong to a common denominator of the axis of medieval with coordinates in every country. As the Greek philanderer Isoceles used to say, there are three sides to every triangle."

When asked to comment on the arrest, President Bush said, "If God had wanted us to have better weapons of math instruction, he would have given us more fingers and toes

George, Pablo, and Abdul are in a bar one night.

George is drinking iced-tea jello shooters.

Pablo chugs his beer, throws the glass into the air, pulls out his pistola and obliterates the glass with one shot.

He says, "In Mexico our glasses are so cheap we don't need to drink out of the same one twice..!"

Abdul, impressed with Pablo's dead aim, chugs his beer and flings the glass into the air, pulls his pistol and shatters the glass into shards.

He says, "In the desert we have so much sand for glass that we never need to drink from the same glass twice either..!"

George, slamming down his shot of jello, flings the shot glass into the air, pulls out his pistol, shoots Pablo and Abdul, and catches his glass before it hits the ground.

He says to the bartender, "Where I'm from, we have so many Latinos and Arabs, that we don't need to drink with the same ones twice.."


(( Ooooo,... was that non-PC...!? :) I imagine so..! Yet curiously offensive AND funny! ))


:)

That was GREAT!!!!!!!!

Subject: Terrorist Alert

At New York's Kennedy Airport today, an individual later discovered to be a public school teacher was arrested trying to board a flight while in possession of a ruler, protractor, setsquare, slide rule and a calculator.

At a morning press conference, attorney general John Ashcroft said he believes the man is a member of the notorious al-gebra movement. He is being charged by the FBI with carrying weapons of math instruction.

"Al-gebra is a fearsome cult," Ashcroft said. "They desire average solutions by means and extremes, and sometimes go off on tangents in a search for absolute value. They use secret code names like X or Y and refer to themselves as "unknowns", but we have determined they belong to a common denominator of the axis of medieval with coordinates in every country. As the Greek philanderer Isoceles used to say, there are three sides to every triangle."

When asked to comment on the arrest, President Bush said, "If God had wanted us to have better weapons of math instruction, he would have given us more fingers and toes

like this one to!!

Subject: Terrorist Alert

At New York's Kennedy Airport today, an individual later discovered to be a public school teacher was arrested trying to board a flight while in possession of a ruler, protractor, setsquare, slide rule and a calculator.

At a morning press conference, attorney general John Ashcroft said he believes the man is a member of the notorious al-gebra movement. He is being charged by the FBI with carrying weapons of math instruction.

"Al-gebra is a fearsome cult," Ashcroft said. "They desire average solutions by means and extremes, and sometimes go off on tangents in a search for absolute value. They use secret code names like X or Y and refer to themselves as "unknowns", but we have determined they belong to a common denominator of the axis of medieval with coordinates in every country. As the Greek philanderer Isoceles used to say, there are three sides to every triangle."

When asked to comment on the arrest, President Bush said, "If God had wanted us to have better weapons of math instruction, he would have given us more fingers and toes
That's brilliant! I haven't heard such a simultaneously appalling and excellent joke in a long time...

Why should you never attempt to do calculus when you're drunk?

It's illegal to drink and derive...

Last weekend, the presidential library burned down. Both books were destroyed.

A spokesman said the president was devastated. He hadn't even finished coloring the second one yet.

That was the Clinton library right? ;-)

A flatchested woman is walking along the beach. She finds a bottle, opens it, and a genie pops out. Out of gratitude for his freedom, he offers her one wish.

The woman looks down at her chest and says "I wish for a pair of big boobs"

POOF...

Dick Cheney and GW Bush appear beside her.


i know, that one's kinda lame

[First of Two #16]
So...

John Kerry invites the Pope on a 'Swift Boat' tour of Boston Harbor. Naturally, a whole gaggle of reporters are there.

During the tour, a gust of wind catches the Pope's robes like a sail and blows him overboard. Kerry jumps out of the boat, swims through the water, grabs the Pope, and hauls him safely back to the boat.

Next day, the headlines read "Kerry Saves Pope from Watery Grave!"


So...

A few weeks later, Bush takes the Pope on a yacht tour of Washington. Naturally, the swarm of reporters is with them again.

As they're crossing the Potomac, another gust of wind comes up, and again the Pope gets blown into the water (poor guy!)

Bush jumps out of the boat, WALKS across the water, pickes up the Pope, and carries him safely back to the boat.

Next day, the headlines read...

"BUSH CAN'T SWIM!"


Heh he he he he he he...!! :D

Excellent..!

(( Ooooo,... was that non-PC...!? :) I imagine so..! Yet curiously offensive AND funny! ))

Hahaha... It's actually pretty good. And I'm Mexican. (No sarcasm, I actually liked it).

A flatchested woman is walking along the beach. She finds a bottle, opens it, and a genie pops out. Out of gratitude for his freedom, he offers her one wish.

The woman looks down at her chest and says "I wish for a pair of big boobs"

POOF...

Dick Cheney and GW Bush appear beside her.


i know, that one's kinda lame
Brilliant, just brilliant

Bush and Cheney are walking down the street.
Bush:"Can I walk in the middle?"

Bush is visiting a classroom. He says "Can anyone here tell me what a tragedy is?"

One kid puts up his hand. "Is that like, when a dog gets hit by a car?"

W says, "No, that's more of an accident. What's a tragedy, kids?"

A girl puts up her hand. "Is it when someone like the Pope or Mother Teresa dies?"

Bush answers, "That's really more of a great loss. Tragedy, anyone?"

A kid says, "Is that like, if someone shot and killed you, Mr. President?"

Bush smiles. "That's right, son. You know why?"

The kid says, "Well, it wouldn't be an accident, and it damn sure wouldn't be a great loss..."

Bush is visiting a classroom. He says "Can anyone here tell me what a tragedy is?"

One kid puts up his hand. "Is that like, when a dog gets hit by a car?"

W says, "No, that's more of an accident. What's a tragedy, kids?"

A girl puts up her hand. "Is it when someone like the Pope or Mother Teresa dies?"

Bush answers, "That's really more of a great loss. Tragedy, anyone?"

A kid says, "Is that like, if someone shot and killed you, Mr. President?"

Bush smiles. "That's right, son. You know why?"

The kid says, "Well, it wouldn't be an accident, and it damn sure wouldn't be a great loss..."
HAHAHAHA., GREAT ONE.

the one about bush wanting to walk in the middle reminded me of this one:

Dick Cheney is holding a burlap bag.
"what's in the bag," asks Bush.
"Ducks" says Cheney, "and if you can guess how many i have, i will give you both of them"
"um...three?" guesses Bush.

hahaha, damn don't know any others...

That was the Clinton library right? ;-)

2 books and several thousand pornos

they've all been great so far...

Kerry: Bush's middle name stands for 'Wrong'.

Bush: My middle name doesn't begin with an 'R'.

:D

My 11th grade AP english teacher told me this one...

Bush is out for a jog and spots a girl with newborn puppies. He asks her what kind of puppies they are and she says, "They're republican puppies."

A few days later Bush is Jogging with Dick and they coma across the same little girl with her puppies. He says to Dick "Watch this, it's sooo cute." He asks her what kind of puppies they are again and she says "They're democrat puppies."
Bush was amazed. "But just three days ago the were Republicans!"
She replied "Yeah, but now their eyes are open."

and I'm a republican

You know it's bad when the USA's three most powerful people are named Bush, Colin, and Dick.

Bush and Cheney are sitting in a boat.
Bush:"Can I sit in the middle?"

lol that joke with the mexicans and arabs... reminded me of another joke ive heard before:


There was a plane headed towards the United States, when suddenly something malfunctions. The pilot announces that the plane's going to crash and they're all going to die, unless three people jump off of the plane.

A British man gets up, yells, "God save the Queen!", and jumps off.

Then a French man gets up, yells, "Vive la France!", and jumps off as well.

Soon afterwards, an American gets up, grabs the Mexican passenger next to him, throws him off the plane, and yells, "Remember the Alamo!"


hope no one thinks that's too non-PC. ah well.

Bush and Cheney are in an elevator:
Bush:"Can I stand in the middle?"

Bush and Cheney are riding horse.
Bush:"Can I ride in the middle?"

Bush and Cheney are in bed.
Bush:"Can I sleep in the middle?"

Bush and Cheney are parasailing.
Bush:"Can I fly in the middle?"

Bush and Cheney are in a bar and both order a beer.
Bush:"Can I drink the one in the middle?"

Bush and Cheney are looking at two boobs.
Bush:"Can I squeeze the one in the middle?"

Pat Buchanan, Newt Gingrich, & George W. Bush are in a boat in the middle of the ocean. The boat is sinking. Who gets saved? The American People!
______________________________________________________________

How many George Bushs does it take to change a lightbulb? Three. One to change the lightbulb, one to promise he'll do it better than anyone else, and one to obscure the issues.
______________________________________________________________

The American myth is that every boy can grow up to be President.
Because of George W. Bush the reality now is that the boy doesn't have to grow up.
______________________________________________________________

A guy walks in and asks the bartender, "Isn't that Bush and Powell sitting over there?" The bartender says, "Yep, that's them." So the guy walks over and says, "Wow, this is a real honor. What are you guys doing in here?"

Bush says, "We're planning WWIII. And the guy says, "Really? What's going to happen?"

Bush says, "Well, we're going to kill 140 million Iraqis this time and one bicycle repairman."

The guy exclaimed, "A bicycle repairman! Why kill a bicycle repairman?"

Bush turns to Powell, punches him on the shoulder and says, "See, dummy! I told you no one would worry about the 140 million Iraqis!"
______________________________________________________________

When a reporter asked Bush what he thought about his first hundred days in office he replied "Has it been a year already?
______________________________________________________________

The discovery that Bush's resting heart rate is 43 has led some observers to speculate that this is the first time we've had a president with a heart rate that matches his IQ.
______________________________________________________________

What do golf and Florida elections have in common? Low score wins.
______________________________________________________________

A lady bought a new Lexus. Cost a bundle. Two days later, she brought it back,complaining that the radio was not working.

"Madam," said the sales manager, "the audio system in this car is completely automatic. All you need to do is tell it what you want to listen to, and you will hear exactly that!"

She drove out, somewhat amazed and a little confused. She looked at the radio and said, "Nelson." The radio responded, "Ricky or Willie?" She was astounded. If she wanted Beethoven, that's what she got. If she wanted Nat King Cole, she got it.

She was stopped at a traffic light enjoying "On The Road Again" when the light turned green and she pulled out. Suddenly an enormous sports utility vehicle coming from the street she was crossing sped toward her, obviously not paying attentionto the light. She swerved and narrowly missed a collision.

"Idiot!" she yelled and, from the radio, "Ladies and gentlemen, the President of the United States."
______________________________________________________________

Asked by his teacher to compare three presidents Johnny thought for a moment and said: "Well, George Washington couldn't tell a lie. Richard Nixon couldn't tell the truth. And George W. Bush can't tell the difference."
______________________________________________________________

His closest advisors came to visit Dubya at the White House one evening and found him slamming down beers and whooping it up. They were astonished since he had given up drinking years ago. When asked why he was off the wagon, Dubya replied that he was celebrating finishing a jigsaw puzzle. They smiled and told him that wasn't much of an accomplishment. "Ah, but you're wrong. I did it in record time." When asked what that record was, he replied that he had finished it after only 6 months. Again, they told him that wasn't that great. "Oh yeah?" said Dubya, "Well the box says 3-5 YEARS!"
______________________________________________________________

George Bush and George Bush were dragging the deer they had just shot back to their truck. Another hunter approached, pulling his along, too.

"Sirs, I don't want to tell you how to do something," he said, " But I can tell you that it's much easier if you drag the deer the other way. Then the antlers won't dig into the ground."

After the hunter left, they decided to try it. A little while later George said to George, "You know, that guy was right. This is a lot easier!"

"Yeah," says George, "but we're getting farther from the truck."
______________________________________________________________

A liberal came upon a genie and said, "You're a genie. Can you grant me three wishes?" The genie replied, "Yes, but only if you're feeling generous enough to share your good fortune." The liberal said, "I'm a liberal. I'm always happy to share." The genie said, "O.K., then, whatever you wish for, I'll give every conservative in the country two of it. What's your first wish?" "I would like a new sports car." "O.K., you've got it, and every conservative in the country gets two sports cars. What's your second wish?" "I'd like a million dollars." "O.K., you get a million dollars, every conservative gets two million dollars. What's your third and final wish?" "Well, I've always wanted to donate a kidney."
______________________________________________________________

While visiting England, George Bush is invited to tea with the Queen. He asks her what her leadership philosophy is. She says that it is to surround herself with intelligent people. He asks how she knows if they're intelligent.

"I do so by asking them the right questions," says the Queen."Allow me to demonstrate." She phones Tony Blair and says, "Mr. Prime Minister. Please answer this question: Your mother has a child, and your father has a child, and this child is not your brother or sister. Who is it?"

Tony Blair responds ,"It's me, ma'am."

"Correct. Thank you and good-bye, sir," says the Queen. She hangs up and says, "Did you get that, Mr. Bush?"

"Yes ma'am. Thanks a lot. I'll definitely be using that!"

Upon returning to Washington, he decides he'd better put the Chairman of the Senate Foreign Relations Committee to the test. He summons Jesse Helms to the White House and says, "Senator Helms, I wonder if you can answer a question for me."

"Why, of course, sir. What's on your mind?"

"Uhh, your mother has a child, and your father has a child, and this child is not your brother or your sister. Who is it?"

Helms hems and haws and finally asks, "Can I think about it and get back to you?"

Bush agrees, and Helms leaves. He immediately calls a meeting of other senior Republican senators, and they puzzle over the question for several hours, but nobody can come up with an answer. Finally, in desperation, Helms calls Colin Powell at the State Department and explains his problem.

"Now look here, your mother has a child, and your father has a child, and this child is not your brother or your sister. Who is it?"

Powell answers immediately, "It's me, of course"

Much relieved, Helms rushes back to the White House and exclaims, "I know the answer, sir! I know who it is! It's Colin Powell!"

And Bush replies in disgust, "Wrong, it's Tony Blair!"
______________________________________________________________

George W. Bush takes his fancy new hot air balloon out for a ride. After soaring over the country side for an hour he realizes he is lost. After spotting a young girl on a farm below he descended and shouted, "Hey little girl, can you help me? I promised a friend an hour ago I would meet him, but I don't know where I am." The young girl replies, "You are in a hot air balloon over my daddy's corn field making a racket and scaring the chickens!" Peeved, Bush says, "Your daddy must be a Democrat." "He is," says the girl, "but how did you know that?""Well," answers Bush, "everything you told me is technically correct, but I still have no idea what to make of your information, and the fact is I am still lost. You aren't being much help." The girl below responds, "You must be a Republican." "I am," replies Bush, "but how did you know?" "Well," says the girl, "You're way up there full of hot air looking down on the world, you don't know where you're at and you don't know where you're going. You promised something to somebody you can't deliver on, and you were in this spot before we met but somehow your predicament is all my fault."
______________________________________________________________

A first grade teacher in the Midwestis explaining to her class that she is a Republican and how nice it is that a new Republican president has taken office. She asks her students to raise their hands if they, too, are Republicans and support George Bush. Everyone in class raises their hands except one little girl. "Mary," says the teacher with surprise, "why didn't you raise your hand?" Because I'm not a Republican," says Mary. "Well, what are you?" asks the teacher. "I'm a Democrat and proud of it," replies the little girl. The teacher cannot believe her ears. "My goodness, Mary, why are you a Democrat?" she asks. “Well, my momma and papa are Democrats, so I'm a Democrat, too." "Well," says the teacher in an annoyed tone, "that's no reason for you to be a Democrat. You don't always have to be like your parents. What if your momma was a criminal and your papa was a criminal, too, what would you be then?" "Then," Mary smiled, "then we'd be Republicans."
______________________________________________________________

On one of his first nights in the White House, Dubya is awakened by the ghost of George Washington. Bush is frightened, but asks: "George, what is the best thing I could do to help the country?" Washington advises him: "Be honest above all else and set an honorable example, just as I did." This makes Bush uncomfortable, but he manages to get back to sleep. The next night, the ghost of Thomas Jefferson moves through the dark bedroom. "Tom," Dubya asks, "what is the best thing I could do to help the country?" Jefferson replies, "Throw away your prepared remarks and speak eloquently and extemporaneously from your heart," Jefferson advises. Bush isn't sleeping well at all the next night, and sees another figure moving in the shadows. It's Abraham Lincoln's ghost and Dubya thinks finally, a Republican, I'll get some advice that I can use. "Abe, what is the best thing I could do to help the country?" Bush asks hopefully. Abe answers: "Go see a play."
______________________________________________________________

A tourist walks into a curio shop in San Francisco. Looking around at the exotica, he notices a very lifelike life-sized bronze statue of a rat. It has no price tag, but is so striking he decides he must have it. He takes it to the owner: "How much for the bronze rat?" "$12 for the rat, $100 for the story," says the owner. The tourist gives the man $12. "I'll just take the rat, you can keep the story." As he walks down the street carrying his bronze rat, he notices that a few real rats have crawled out of the alleys and sewers and begun following him down the street. This is disconcerting, and he begins walking faster. But within a couple of blocks, the herd of rats behind him has grown to hundreds, and they begin squealing. He begins to trot toward the Bay, looking around to see that the rats now number in the MILLIONS, and are squealing and coming toward him faster and faster. Concerned, even scared, he runs to the edge of the Bay, and throws the bronze rat as far out into the water as he can. Amazingly, the millions of rats all jump into the Bay after it, and are all drowned. The man walks back to the curio shop. "Ah ha," says the owner, "you have come back for the story?" "No," says the man, "I came back to see if you have a bronze Republican."

Bush and Cheney are talking about North and South Korea.
Bush:"Can I invade the middle?"

Check out this website. You'll see:

A 1960s commercial with the Flintstones advertising Winston cigarettes, a younger George W. Bush drunk at a wedding, what the RIAA will do to you if you download music, and more!

http://www.ebaumsworld.com/fmovies4.shtml

Hey thanks you guys (and gals) for such a wealth of humor. :D

I have not laughed this much since before Charley. *sigh*

And Legless Pirates, i laugh harder and harder each time.

Thanks you guys!

Bush and Cheney are looking at two boobs.
Bush:"Can I squeeze the one in the middle?"


lmao @ pirate

You are all my idols. I really loved the one about the bronze rat.

Not quite sure I get that...with the boobs and all...:p

Yes good jokes legless pirate.

Subject: Terrorist Alert

"Al-gebra is a fearsome cult," Ashcroft said. "They desire average solutions by means and extremes, and sometimes go off on tangents in a search for absolute value. They use secret code names like X or Y and refer to themselves as "unknowns", but we have determined they belong to a common denominator of the axis of medieval with coordinates in every country. As the Greek philanderer Isoceles used to say, there are three sides to every triangle."

What's ironic about that is the word 'algebra' comes from an Arabic word.

What are the differences between Senator Kerry and a tossed coin?

1. A tossed coin flips over fewer times
2. A tossed coin eventually gives you a definite answer
3. When you look at a coin, you're looking at a President

Funny how some jokes are constantly retold for different situations. For example, the joke about the Mexican and the Arab being shot I last heard about a French Canadian (he's the one who gets shot), I heard the Bush definition of tragedy when Mike Harris was Premier of Ontario, and I'm sure you get the point. Steering off of the political, a few blonde jokes.

How do you make a blonde's eyes twinkle? Shine a flashlight in her ear.
How do you know when a blonde has an orgasm? A1: She says "next" A2: The next guy taps you on the shoulder A3: Who cares?
What's the difference between a blonde and a broom closet? Only two men can fit in a broom closet.
How is a blonde like Australia? They're both down under and no-one cares.
What do you get when you turn three blondes upside down? 2 brunettes.
What's the difference between a blonde and a bitchy blonde? A blonde will sleep with anyone, but a bitchy blonde will sleep with anyone but you!
What do you call a woman with PMS and ESP? A bitch who knows everything.
How is a blonde like a beer bottle? They're both empty from the neck up.

One more:

A young woman said to her doctor, "You have to help me, I hurt all over."
"What do you mean?" said the doctor.
The woman touched her right knee with her index finger and yelled, "Ow, that hurts."
Then she touched her left cheek and again yelled, "Ouch! That hurts, too."
Then she touched her right earlobe. "Ow, even THAT hurts."
The doctor asked the woman, "Are you a natural blonde?"
"Why yes," she said.
"I thought so," said the doctor. "You have a sprained finger."

lol

An american, an englishman, and an irishman are all sitting at a bar, and a fly goes into each one of their drinks.

The englishman glances at it, sighs, and pushes it away.

The american shrugs and just keeps drinking it.

The irishman picks up the fly and yells at it "Spit it out yer bastard, spit it out!"

* * *

Why did God let man create liquor? To prevent the Irish from ruling the world

* * *

A limping dog walks into a bar, stars around in malice, looks at the bartender, and says "I'm lookin' for the man who shot ma' paw"

* * *

An englishman, a frenchman, and an italian are all captured by a vicious tribe of natives. The chief walks up to them and tells them all "Our wars are going strong, but supplies are low, and we're running out of skins. So, we will allow you all to choose your own method of death. After you have died, we will skin you for our canoes.

The englishman is first, and he asks for a pistol. Raising it to his head, he pronounces "God save the queen!" and shoots himself. The natives drag his body away to be skinned.

The frenchman asks for a vial of poison. Raising it to his lips, he yells "Viva la France!" and downs it. The natives drag his body away to be skinned.

Lastly, it's the italian's turn, who had been watching all this. Nodding, he asks for a fork. Confused, the chief hands him a fork. The italian starts stabbing himself in the chest while screaming "Let's see you make a canoe out of this!"

lol :D

Lets go for an old one..

Clinton was walking around the Whitehouse when he sees a pretty girl and walks up to her
"You're new around here aren't you?"
"Why yes Mr President, how did you know?"
"I thought i hadn't come across your face before"

and so I bump

Now for some REALLY bad ones...

One day, Bob's girlfriend ran up to him crying. "Oh honey," she said, "People are saying horrible things about you!"

"Oh, it can't be tht bad," he said, hugging her. "What kind of things are they saying"

"Th-they're calling you a pervet! And they're saying that you're a pedophile!"

Bob looked at his girlfriend critically. "Did you say pedophile? My, that's an awfully big word for an 11 year old..."


* * *

So, did'ja hear about the two lesbian vampires that meet once a month?

Lets go for an old one..

Clinton was walking around the Whitehouse when he sees a pretty girl and walks up to her
"You're new around here aren't you?"
"Why yes Mr President, how did you know?"
"I thought i hadn't come across your face before"
Ewww