NationStates Jolt Archive

:p

Three Texas surgeons were playing golf together and discussing surgeries they had performed. One of them said, "I'm the best surgeon in Texas. A concert pianist lost 7 fingers in an accident. I reattached them, and 8 months later he perfomed a private concert for the Queen of England." One of the others said, "That's nothing. A young man lost both arms and legs in an accident. I reattached them, and 2 years later he won a gold medal in field events at the olympics."

The third surgeon said, "You guys are amateurs. Several years ago, a cowboy, who was high on cocaine and alcohol, rode a horse head-on into a train traveling 80 miles an hour. All I had left to work with was the horse's ass and a cowboy hat. Now, he's president of the United States."

The Darwin Awards are out for 2004...

And the nominees this year, in reverse order, are:

6. A 34-year-old white male found dead in the basement of his home died of suffocation, according to police. He was approximately 6' 2" tall and weighed 225 pounds. He was wearing a pleated skirt, white bra, black and white saddle shoes, and a woman's wig. It appeared that he was trying to create a schoolgirl's uniform look. He was also wearing a military gas mask that had the filter canister removed and a rubber hose attached in its place. The other end of the hose was connected to one end of a hollow tube approx. 30" long and 3" in diameter. The tube's other end was, for reasons unknown, inserted into his rectum and was the cause of his suffocation. Police found the task of explaining the circumstances of his death to his family very awkward.

5. Three Brazilian men were flying in a light aircraft at low altitude when another plane approached. It appears that they decided to moon the occupants of the other plane, but lost control of their own aircraft and crashed. They were all found dead in the wreckage with their pants around their ankles.

4. A 22-year-old, man was found dead after he tried to use octopus straps to bungee jump off a 70 foot railroad trestle. Fairfax County police said Eric Barcia, a fast-food worker, taped a bunch of these straps together, wrapped one end around one foot, anchored the other end to the trestle at Lake Accotink Park, jumped and hit the pavement. Warren Carmichael, a police spokesman, said investigators think Barcia was alone because his car was found nearby. "The length of the cord that he assembled was greater than the distance between the trestle and the ground" Carmichael said. Police say the apparent cause of death was "Major trauma."

3. A man in Alabama died from rattlesnake bites. It seems that he and a friend were playing a game of catch, using the rattlesnake as a ball. The friend, no doubt a future Darwin Awards candidate, was hospitalized.

2. Employees in a medium sized warehouse in west Texas noticed the smell of a gas leak. Sensibly, management evacuated the building, extinguishing all potential sources of ignition; lights, power, etc. After the building had been evacuated, two technicians from the gas company were dispatched. Upon entering the building, they found they had difficulty navigating in the dark. To their frustration, none of the lights worked. Witnesses later described the sight of one of the technicians reaching into his pocket and retrieving an object that resembled a cigarette lighter. Upon operation of the lighter-like object, the gas in the warehouse exploded, sending pieces of it up to three miles away. Nothing was found of the technicians, but the lighter was virtually untouched by the explosion. The technician suspected of causing the blast had never been thought of as 'bright' by his peers.

AND THE WINNER.....(ouch....)

1. Based on a bet by the other members of his threesome, Everitt Sanchez tried to wash his own "balls" in a ball washer at the local golf course. Proving once again that beer and testosterone are a bad mix, Sanchez managed to straddle the ball washer and dangle his balls in the machine. Much to his dismay, one of his buddies upped the ante by spinning the crank on the machine with Sanchez's balls in place, thus wedging them solidly in the mechanism. Sanchez, who immediately passed his threshold of pain, collapsed and tumbled from his perch. Unfortunately for him, the height of the ball washer was more than a foot higher off the ground than his testicles are in a normal stance, and his balls were the weakest link.

Sanchez's balls ripped open during the fall, and one testicle was plucked from him forever and remained in the ball washer, while the other testicle was compressed and flattened as it was pulled between the housing of the washer, and the rotating machinery inside.

To add insult to injury, Sanchez broke a new $300.00 driver that he had just purchased from the pro shop, and was using to balance himself.

Sanchez was rushed to the hospital for surgery, and the remaining threesome was asked to leave the course.

Note: This last one wouldn't normally count, because the idiot didn't die. But because he cannot reproduce as a result of his qualifying act of stupidity, we have allowed it.

The Presidential Prayer Team is currently urging us to: "Pray for the President as he seeks wisdom on how to legally codify the definition of marriage. Pray that it will be according to Biblical principles. With any forces insisting on variant definitions of marriage, pray that God's Word and His standards will be honored by our government."

Any religious person believes prayer should be balanced by action. So here, in support of the Prayer Team's admirable goals, is a proposed Constitutional Amendment to codify marriage on biblical principles:

A. Marriage in the United States shall consist of a union between one man and one or more women. (Gen29:17-28; II Sam 3:2-5)

B. Marriage shall not impede a man's right to take concubines, in addition to his wife or wives. (II Sam5:13; I Kings 11:3; II Chron 11:21)

C. A marriage shall be considered valid only if the wife is a virgin. If the wife is not a virgin, she shall be executed. (Deut 22:13-21)

D. Marriage of a believer and a non-believer shall be forbidden. (Gen24:3; Num 25:1-9; Ezra 9:12; Neh10:30)

E. Since marriage is for life, neither this Constitution nor the constitution of any State, nor any state or federal law, shall be construed to permit divorce. (Deut 22:19; Mark 10:9)

F. If a married man dies without children, his brother shall marry the widow. If he refuses to marry his brother's widow or deliberately does not give her children, he shall pay a fine of one shoe. (Gen.38:6-10; Deut 25:5-10)

[to the tune of Monty Python's "Every Sperm Is Sacred"]

Leave each stem cell SITting in its petrie dish
Don't use them for HEALing, that's not wot Gawd would wish

If the heathen use them to make sick people well
Gawd is watching ever, He'll send them all to Hell

Every stem cell's sacred, every stem cell's great
If they're used for healing Gawd will get irate

Leave each stem cell sitting in its petrie dish
Don't use them for healing, that's not wot Gawd would

A linguistics professor was lecturing to his class one day. "In English," he said, "A double negative forms a positive. In some languages, though, such as Russian, a double negative is still a negative. However, there is no language wherein a double positive can form a negative." A voice from the back of the room piped up, "Yeah, right."

How to start your day with a positive attitude:

1. Create a "new folder" on your computer.

2. Name it "George W. Bush".

3. Send it to the trash.

4. Empty the trash.

5. Your computer will ask you: "Do you really want to delete "George W. Bush"?

6. Calmly answer, "Yes", and press the mouse button firmly...

very much so ouch...

You know, that marriage post would make more sense if only the poster understood the christian religion. For instance, we do not follow the old law of the old testament. Because Jesus specifically stated that we are no longer under the old law. We are under the new law, that of Jesus Christ. So, next time, try to actually know what you are talking about.


ouch.

The Pope visits Washington and President Bush takes him for a ride down the Potomac on the presidential yacht. They're enjoying themselves when a gust of wind blows the Pope's hat (zucchetto) off and out onto the water. The Secret Service begins to launch a boat but Bush waves them off saying, "Wait. I'll take care of this."

Bush steps off the yacht onto the surface of the water, walks out a ways and picks up the hat. Back on board, he hands the hat to the Pope amid stunned silence.

The next morning the Washington Post carries the story complete with photos under the heading BUSH CAN'T SWIM.




One night, George W. Bush is awakened by George Washington's ghost in the White House. Bush asks: "George, what is the best thing I could do to help the country?"

"Set an honest and honorable example, just as I did," Washington advises.

The next night, the ghost of Thomas Jefferson moves through the dark bedroom. "Tom," W asks, "what is the best thing I could do to help the country?"

"Cut taxes and reduce the size of government," Jefferson advises.

Bush isn't sleeping well the next night, and sees another figure moving in the shadows. It's Abraham Lincoln's ghost. "Abe, what is the best thing I could do to help the country?" Bush asks. Abe answers: "Go see a play."

A jumper cable walks into a bar. The bartender says "I'll serve you, but don't start anything."

A sandwich walks into a bar. The bartender says, "Sorry, we don't serve food here."

A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm and says: "A beer please, and one for the road."

A dyslexic man walks into a bra.

Two antennas meet on a roof, fall in love and get married. The ceremony wasn't much but the reception was great.

Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other: "Does this taste funny to you?"

Two cows standing next to each other in a field. Daisy says to Dolly "I was artificially inseminated this morning." "I don't believe you," said Dolly. "It's true... no bull!"

Two hydrogen atoms walk into a bar. One says, "I've lost my electron? The other says, "Are you sure?" The first replies, "Yes, I'm positive..."

I tried to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn't find any.

What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fsh.

You know, that marriage post would make more sense if only the poster understood the christian religion. For instance, we do not follow the old law of the old testament. Because Jesus specifically stated that we are no longer under the old law. We are under the new law, that of Jesus Christ. So, next time, try to actually know what you are talking about.


ouch.
SPEAKING OF KNOWING WHAT YOU ARE TLAKING ABOUT

every rule was not disregarded, only the ones jesus replaced or said were dumb, the rest still exist.

BENEFITS OF FAITH-BASED ORGANIZATIONS

Childless couple told to try sex

A German couple who went to a fertility clinic after eight years of marriage have found out why they are still childless - they weren't having sex.

The University Clinic of Lubek said they had never heard of a case like it after examining the couple who went to see them last month for fertility tests.

Doctors subjected them to a series of examinations and found they were both apparently fertile, and should have had no trouble conceiving.

A clinic spokesman said: "When we asked them how often they had had sex, they looked blank, and said: "What do you mean?".

"We are not talking retarded people here, but a couple who were brought up in a religious environment who were simply unaware, after eight years of marriage, of the physical requirements necessary to procreate."

Http://www.ananova.com/news/story/sm_957945.html

SPEAKING OF KNOWING WHAT YOU ARE TLAKING ABOUT

every rule was not disregarded, only the ones jesus replaced or said were dumb, the rest still exist.

So you are saying the part where he said, "You are no longer held accountable under the law of Moses," didn't actually count?
Sorry pal, I'm a Bible major.

You know, that marriage post would make more sense if only the poster understood the christian religion. For instance, we do not follow the old law of the old testament. Because Jesus specifically stated that we are no longer under the old law. We are under the new law, that of Jesus Christ. So, next time, try to actually know what you are talking about.


ouch.

Further evidence suggesting the growing rift between christians and a sense of humour....

PHILADELPHIA (Reuters) - A federal prisoner was sentenced to an extra 18 months in jail on Friday for threatening to kill former first lady and New York Democratic Sen. Hillary Rodham Clinton, prosecutors said.

He told a psychologist he made the threat because his life was dull and he wanted some notoriety, they said.

Edward Falvey, 51, admitted to a charge of threatening to kill or inflict bodily harm on Clinton in an effort to gain "15 minutes of fame." He is currently serving a 30-month sentence in a Fairton, New Jersey, prison for bank robbery.

In a letter he wrote last April to a psychologist at the prison, Falvey said he wanted to shoot a famous person so he could acquire a bad reputation.

"I want notoriety in my life. My life is dull and boring. I need to spice it up," he wrote, according to a statement from U.S. Attorney Christopher Christie in Camden, New Jersey.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Thank God for CHURCH LADIES WITH TYPEWRITERS.

These sentences actually appeared in church bulletins or were announced in church services: [not fact-checked]

Bertha Belch, a missionary from Africa, will be speaking tonight at Calvary Methodist. Come hear Bertha Belch all the way from Africa.


Announcement in a church bulletin for a national PRAYER &FASTING Conference: "The cost for attending the Fasting and Prayer conference includes meals."


The sermon this morning: "Jesus Walks on the Water." The sermon tonight: "Searching for Jesus."


Our youth basketball team is back in action Wednesday at 8 PM in the recreation hall. Come out and watch us kill Christ the King.


"Ladies, don't forget the rummage sale. It's a chance to get rid of those things not worth keeping around the house. Don't forget your husbands."


The peacemaking meeting scheduled for today has been canceled due to a conflict.


Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our community. Smile at someone who is hard to love. Say "hell" to someone who doesn't care much about you.


Don't let worry kill you off - let the Church help.


Miss Charlene Mason sang "I will not pass this way again," giving obvious pleasure to the congregation.


For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a nursery downstairs.


Next Thursday there will be tryouts for the choir. They need all the help they can get.


Barbara remains in the hospital and needs blood donors for more transfusions. She is also having trouble sleeping and requests tapes of Pastor Jack's sermons.


During the absence of our Pastor, we enjoyed the rare privilege of hearing a good sermon when J.F. Stubbs supplied our pulpit.


The Rector will preach his farewell message after which the choir will sing "Break Forth into Joy."


Irving Benson and Jessie Carter were married on October 24 in the church. So ends a friendship that began in their school days.


A bean supper will be held on Tuesday evening in the church hall. Music will follow.


At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be "What is Hell?" Come early and listen to our choir practice.


Eight new choir robes are currently needed, due to the addition of several new members and to the deterioration of some older ones.


Scouts are saving aluminum cans, bottles, and other items to be recycled. Proceeds will be used to cripple children.


Please place your donation in the envelope along with the deceased person you want remembered.


Attend and you will hear an excellent speaker and heave a healthy lunch.


The church will host an evening of fine dining, superb entertainment, and gracious hostility.


Potluck supper Sunday at 5:00 P.M. - prayer and medication to follow.


The ladies of the Church have cast off clothing of every kind. They may be seen in the basement on Friday afternoon.


This evening at 7 P.M. there will be a hymn sing in the park = across from the Church. Bring a blanket and come prepared to sin.


Ladies Bible Study will be held Thursday morning at 10. All ladies are invited to lunch in the Fellowship Hall after the B.S.. is done.


The pastor would appreciate it if the ladies of the congregation would lend him their electric girdles for the pancake breakfast next Sunday.


Low Self Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday at 7 PM. Please use back door.


The eighth-graders will be presenting Shakespeare's Hamlet in the Church basement Friday at 7 PM. The Congregation is invited to attend this tragedy.


Weight Watchers will meet at 7 PM at the First Presbyterian Church. Please use large double door at the side entrance.


The Associate Minister unveiled the church's new tithing campaign slogan last Sunday "I Upped My Pledge - Up Yours."


Our next song is "Angels We Have Heard Get High"

Further evidence suggesting the growing rift between christians and a sense of humour....

A direct attack on a christian principle, that is not funny, and not even halfway true, does not constitute a joke. Similarly, I could post a joke about homosexuals that was completely wrong and I would get harassed to death. Don't encourage a duble standard, and don't attack people's beliefs under the guise of "a joke."

heheh ok I'm done...

for now

dun dun dunnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnn

Seriously HadesRules... grow a sense of humor.

How to start your day with a positive attitude:

1. Create a "new folder" on your computer.

2. Name it "George W. Bush".

3. Send it to the trash.

4. Empty the trash.

5. Your computer will ask you: "Do you really want to delete "George W. Bush"?

6. Calmly answer, "Yes", and press the mouse button firmly...
http://img80.exs.cx/img80/6212/GWB.jpg

So you are saying the part where he said, "You are no longer held accountable under the law of Moses," didn't actually count?
Sorry pal, I'm a Bible major.

Which verse is that?

A bible Major... is that the one between Bible Sergeant and Bible Captain??

You know, that marriage post would make more sense if only the poster understood the christian religion. For instance, we do not follow the old law of the old testament. Because Jesus specifically stated that we are no longer under the old law. We are under the new law, that of Jesus Christ. So, next time, try to actually know what you are talking about.


ouch.

Okay, then quote the passage in the New Testament where Jesus says a man can't marry a man or a woman can't marry a woman.

Which verse is that?

A bible Major... is that the one between Bible Sergeant and Bible Captain??
Okay, that's enough. Knock it off. I don't want to have to lock this topic.

Gymoor: If you want to start a religion debate, then please start a new thread. Thank you.

--The Modified Democratic States of Cogitation

1. Based on a bet by the other members of his threesome, Everitt Sanchez tried to wash his own "balls" in a ball washer at the local golf course. Proving once again that beer and testosterone are a bad mix, Sanchez managed to straddle the ball washer and dangle his balls in the machine. Much to his dismay, one of his buddies upped the ante by spinning the crank on the machine with Sanchez's balls in place, thus wedging them solidly in the mechanism. Sanchez, who immediately passed his threshold of pain, collapsed and tumbled from his perch. Unfortunately for him, the height of the ball washer was more than a foot higher off the ground than his testicles are in a normal stance, and his balls were the weakest link.

Sanchez's balls ripped open during the fall, and one testicle was plucked from him forever and remained in the ball washer, while the other testicle was compressed and flattened as it was pulled between the housing of the washer, and the rotating machinery inside.

To add insult to injury, Sanchez broke a new $300.00 driver that he had just purchased from the pro shop, and was using to balance himself.

Sanchez was rushed to the hospital for surgery, and the remaining threesome was asked to leave the course.

Note: This last one wouldn't normally count, because the idiot didn't die. But because he cannot reproduce as a result of his qualifying act of stupidity, we have allowed it.

And the moral of our story boys and girls... Never wash your balls!

A direct attack on a christian principle, that is not funny, and not even halfway true, does not constitute a joke. Similarly, I could post a joke about homosexuals that was completely wrong and I would get harassed to death. Don't encourage a duble standard, and don't attack people's beliefs under the guise of "a joke."

You're defending the indefensible, I'm afraid. He wasn't attacking christianity, he was making jokes about the inconsistency between those who profess a faith, and the scrambled jumble of contradictions that they base their faith on.

All of the things he commented on are IN the Bible, unless you have a different version... so, it isn't an 'attack' that is 'not even halfway true'.

The really funny thing is that the so called christians of far-right america are currently trying to undermine the very laws of the land, in order to enforce their view (biased by religion) of an issue on other people, who are not necessarily of the same faith.

It's even funnier, because these 'right-wing' limiters of personal freedom, claim as their basis an old book, which ITSELF has a dozen different views on the same issue.

You want to debate religion, go start a "why does everyone make fun of christians" thread. I'll join you there, if you like.

Anyone like Robert Anton Wilson (linky) (http://rawilson.com/main.shtml)? (Thats where I stole all of my jokes from btw )


Thought for the Month

18 Brahe, 36 Tranquility

I've recently noticed "as if for the first time" that when people pray they always look "upward" -- i.e. perpendicular to whatever place they're standing -- or kneeling or groveling. I deduce that they conceive of their "god" as topologically isomorphic to a huge donut, about a thousand miles wider than Earth.

[Of course, if people ever pray at the north or south poles, this would have to change; then "god" would become isomorphic to a hollow sphere.]

When I raised this issue in a blog recently, Paul Krasner asked "Does this mean that the pledge of allegiance should be changed to 'one nation inside god'?"

Not necessarily. Although the Bible and Koran always speak of their god as "above," Christians, Jews and Moslems can either accept what their rituals imply -- a donut god -- or return to a flat Earth....

Giambatista Vico, "the father of sociology", suggested in The New Science that Thunder historically underlies the "god" idea; the Noisy Thing roaring in the sky , seemingly in rage, had to be appeased. Sometimes lightning came from that roaring monster, and sometimes lightning killed somebody. Hence Zeus bronnton [Zeus the thunderer], Jupiter, another thunder god; Thor, Donner, whose very name means thunder; etc.... and Yahweh..... and Allah...... Joyce uses this god=thunder equation repeatedly in Finnegans Wake [which drove me to read Vico...]

I have also observed that thunder on the sound-track -- signalling oncoming tragedy or horror -- appears in films as diverse as those of Orson Welles, James Whale, Howard Hawks, Wes Craven, Monty Python etc etc.... Listen for it and note how bloody often it pops up...... especially in thrillers....

The monotheistic idea implies a cruel and grumpy old electric donut surrounding Earth and ever threatening it.

I think this explains the "structural unconscious" or inarticulate neurosemantics of Bozo, Ariel Sharon and Osama bin Laden equally. They're all heaping up human sacrifices, as at Stonehenge, to Him Who Thunders From On High.

http://www.theyesmen.org

Here is the true story of how Andy and Mike—a couple of semi-employed, middle-class (at best) activists with only thrift-store clothes and no formal economics training—posed as spokespeople for the World Trade Organization.

In 1999, just before the big protests in Seattle, Mike and Andy set up a parody of the WTO website at the domain GATT.org. Some people mistook it for the real thing and wrote in with questions about all sorts of trade matters. Finally, Mike and Andy found themselves invited to conferences to speak as the organization they opposed. They scrounged up their savings, bought plane tickets, and went.

As the World Trade Organization, Andy and Mike delivered shocking satires of WTO policy to audiences of so-called “experts.” At an international trade law conference in Salzburg, Austria, they (i.e. the WTO) proposed a free-market solution to democracy: auctioning votes to the highest bidder. On the TV program CNBC Marketwrap Europe, the WTO announced that might equalled right, that a privatized education market would help replace Abbie Hoffman with Milton Friedman, and that there ought to be a market in human rights abuses. At a textiles conference in Tampere, Finland the WTO unveiled a 3-foot phallus for administering electric shocks to sweatshop employees. At a university in Plattsburgh, New York the WTO proposed that to solve global hunger, the poor should have to eat hamburgers—and then recycle them up to ten times. And at an accounting conference in Sydney, Australia, the WTO announced that in light of all its mistakes, it would shut itself down, refounding as an organization whose goals were not to help corporations, but rather to help the poor and the environment.

LOL after reading mroe from that site above I HAVE to see the movie they are coming out with!!!!

http://rawilson.com/img/FulgurousExhalation.jpg