NationStates Jolt Archive

It's odd how we talk and talk about some of the more obscure of life's lessons, but we rarely talk about the more obvious ones. Well, here's your chance. :)

I'll start with a few of my own life lessons that I've learned the hard way:

Never lick a lit lightbulb.

It's nearly impossible to flush a whole grapefruit down the toilet.

Never be the first to pass out.

ABSOLUTELY never be the second to pass out.

Leave your mark on the world with your life, not with your head.

Never challenge a blackbelt martial artist to a Roshambo contest.

Don't ride your bicycle off of strange cliffs.


More to come...

When a woman says: "So, do you want to have sex with me?"

Dont say "Uhh..Sure!"

They dont like that.

When a woman says: "So, do you want to have sex with me?"

Dont say "Uhh..Sure!"

They dont like that.

"How long do I have to think about it?' Is also a poor response.

If a woman ever asks you "Do I look fat in this?"

Even if she does....for christ's sake, say "NO".

If a woman ever asks you "Do I look fat in this?"

Even if she does....for christ's sake, say "NO".

"No. Circus tents are very slimming." Is also a poor response. ;)

"No. Circus tents are very slimming." Is also a poor response. ;)


So...how long was it before you could see out of that eye?

So...how long was it before you could see out of that eye?

She didn't kick me in the EYE. And I was okay in a few days. :(

She didn't kick me in the EYE. And I was okay in a few days. :(


You know, with the number of times your "boys" have likely been kicked, its a wonder they are functional.

Heres a good life lesson...

Kids...if you get addicted to getting kicked in the groin, thats not a good thing.

Funny...but not good.

You know, with the number of times your "boys" have likely been kicked, its a wonder they are functional.

Heres a good life lesson...

Kids...if you get addicted to getting kicked in the groin, thats not a good thing.

Funny...but not good.

I was as surprised as anybody when I managed to have a kid. Heh.

The problem is that once you have developed a reputation for striking groins and getting struck, it's one that follows you around forever.

Fortunately, I enjoy striking groins enough to make getting struck worth it.

...usually.

I would imagine that at about ten seconds after getting struck, its neither funny, or worth it.

Been there.

Hurt.

A Lot.

I would imagine that at about ten seconds after getting struck, its neither funny, or worth it.

Been there.

Hurt.

A Lot.

There is also a myth that getting hit in the groin a lot when you're a teen makes your testicles grow larger during puberty.

It's a myth, I know. But I do have unusually large testicles. Bet you're glad to know that about me.

Important life lesson:

Beware of discussions about genitals.

Here's one I learned.

No matter how much you might enjoy that little *ahem* frollick in the woods with your girl, the mosquitos will enjoy it more.

"No. Circus tents are very slimming." Is also a poor response. ;)

As is, "Compared to what?"

As is, "Compared to what?"

Also, "Does a blimp look fat?" is probably not the best response.

anyway you are screwed.

Cause then if she's in a spiteful mood she'll come back with "well then you're saying I usually look fat then, right?!"

Just...run.

anyway you are screwed.

Cause then if she's in a spiteful mood she'll come back with "well then you're saying I usually look fat then, right?!"

Just...run.

I don't know who you're dating, but if she isn't smart enough to already figure that out on her own... AND is fat, she'd better be awfully good in bed. ;)

Never wrap your genitals in an ace bandage.

Never let anyone see the combination of your gym locker.

Don't fall asleep on a sunny beach.

Especially if it's a nude beach.

Especially Especially if you're nude and it's NOT a nude beach with occasional police patrols.

Never chase someone through a swamp the prey knows better than you do.

When camping with friends, always look in your sleeping bag and boots before inserting anything.

"Well, its not the dress that makes you look fat." Has also proven to be a poor response.

I'm told my new teeth will resemble the old ones to some degree.

"Well, its not the dress that makes you look fat." Has also proven to be a poor response.

I'm told my new teeth will resemble the old ones to some degree.

Is that good?

Shooting a lightbulb with water is also a bad idea.
Don't speed in a car with bad brakes, especially around fences.Well, I suppose that should be amended to "don't speed".
Don't piss off someone wearing steel-toed boots. A lesson I learned from a friend's mistake...but it does provide a good laugh, if said friend deserved it.
Don't leave the windows open at night, in mosquito country. Especially if you're going to be removing clothes.
Don't leave the kitchen whilst cooking. It IS possible to burn pasta sauce...something I'll never tell to my girlfriend's Italian uncle.
You CAN get hurt by a burnt cookie.
Never use IcyHot on your shoulder(s) and then take a shower. It runs down... Another lesson I learned from a friend.

Hey.100 posts.woo.

never make clothes out of duct tape. your skin can't "breathe."

Yes, I've tried it.

-Jake

never make clothes out of duct tape. your skin can't "breathe."

Yes, I've tried it.

-Jake

Egad! I once had a 'ducttape jockstrap' put on me when I was in high school. It was quite gruesome. I deserved it, due to some earlier mischief of my own, but it was still gruesome. I can't imagine doing it on purpose. ...Maybe for a Klondike Bar.

Egad! I once had a 'ducttape jockstrap' put on me when I was in high school. It was quite gruesome. I deserved it, due to some earlier mischief of my own, but it was still gruesome. I can't imagine doing it on purpose. ...Maybe for a Klondike Bar.
yah...

I love teh klondike bar.

Never lick a lit lightbulb.


Never walk into a nuclear reactor and lick the core.

Never walk into a nuclear reactor and lick the core.
really?
What do you do on friday afternoons?

-Jake

really?
What do you do on friday afternoons?

-Jake
As the good boy I am I help old ladies cross the street. And sometimes my hand happens to find their wallet. So I can return it to their rightfull owner of course.

As the good boy I am I help old ladies cross the street. And sometimes my hand happens to find their wallet. So I can return it to their rightfull owner of course.
no, no
that's for sunday, when you're well rested.

-Jake

no, no
that's for sunday, when you're well rested.

-Jake
No. On sundays I'm at church making collections for the needy.

No. On sundays I'm at church making collections for the needy.
you do collections for the needy in front of Wal-mart on saturday, when everyone's shopping.

fool

-Jake

you do collections for the needy in front of Wal-mart on saturday, when everyone's shopping.

fool

-Jake
Fool? Why? The people tend to be more generouse then even they know!! :D

Fool? Why? The people tend to be more generouse then even they know!! :D
Ya, but wal-mart's so crowded.

and the store tends to be pretty generous too.
Without meaning to be, that is

-Jake

Always loot the corpse.

Never trust anything you have to heat up, pour on, and rip off, leg wax is just NOT worth it. (the same most definitely applies to the bikni area)

Some things are JUST wrong, (like a thong on a large person)

Your tongue really will stick to a frozen flagpole
Biting actually can be fun... in certain circumstances and certain strengths ;)
If he says Yes to any question, he generally means it, unless there is no eye contact.
If you do not really WANT the honest answer, NEVER ask him how you look, he will tell you or show you if he likes it.
When they say they will call, they do NOT think it necessary to specify what time, day, week, month, or year.
Some things in life are just better off not knowing (like exactly what they do when they take hours in the bathroom) :shudder:
Tube Steak is NOT a gourmet type of beef
Mountain Oysters are NOT really a fresh water sea food
If you can't tell what it is, used to be, or might be, DONT eat it
If it smells anything like dirty laundry, poo, or anything else disgusting refer to the above

It's odd how we talk and talk about some of the more obscure of life's lessons, but we rarely talk about the more obvious ones. Well, here's your chance. :)

I'll start with a few of my own life lessons that I've learned the hard way:

Never lick a lit lightbulb.

It's nearly impossible to flush a whole grapefruit down the toilet.

Never be the first to pass out.

ABSOLUTELY never be the second to pass out.

Leave your mark on the world with your life, not with your head.

Never challenge a blackbelt martial artist to a Roshambo contest.

Don't ride your bicycle off of strange cliffs.


More to come...

Licking lightbulbs is a very good one. Especially those mini-flourescent ones...those will actually melt carpet if they fall out of your lamp. SO, don't lick those. And, uhhh...don't roshambo....ever.

Always loot the corpse.
You can do more with it then just looting.......... :D

You can do more with it then just looting.......... :D

True, but I have no enemy castles to fling it over the walls of once it begins rotting.

True, but I have no enemy castles to fling it over the walls of once it begins rotting.
So your saying you like your in laws?

They live in Florida. Haven't I done enough to Florida lately?!?

They live in Florida. Haven't I done enough to Florida lately?!?
Well. If you drove them to Florida...mmm...well..you can always use the corps as an excentric hat stand. Or as a car pool buddy.

Well. If you drove them to Florida...mmm...well..you can always use the corps as an excentric hat stand. Or as a car pool buddy.

A pool float. Until it gets too waterlogged.

Always loot the corpse.

About that....ummm...not a good idea. All the stuff you steal smells like old Nikes and vinegar.

About that....ummm...not a good idea. All the stuff you steal smells like old Nikes and vinegar.

Depends on how fresh the corpse is.

Oh, and I roshamboed with a blackbelt martial artist once. I lost.

I lost the rematch too.

When plugging something in and the prongs don't fit the outlet,
never straighten the prongs during insertion

Depends on how fresh the corpse is.

Oh, and I roshamboed with a blackbelt martial artist once. I lost.

I lost the rematch too.

Did you go first in one of those matches?

Did you go first in one of those matches?

No. Actually, I didn't. But I didn't drop on the first kick either time.

No. Actually, I didn't. But I didn't drop on the first kick either time.

Well, you shouldn't roshambo anyway. It's not cool to kick people in the nuts.

You need to defend your honor with hand to hand combat! Or you're a sissy.

Well, you shouldn't roshambo anyway. It's not cool to kick people in the nuts.

You need to defend your honor with hand to hand combat! Or you're a sissy.

So I should punch him in the nuts?

So I should punch him in the nuts?

No, just give him nuts.

Energic Martial-artists love Emerald Nuts

No, just give him nuts.

Energic Martial-artists love Emerald Nuts

LOL!