NationStates Jolt Archive

Thats right, kids, its time for another thread where *I* give you answers to lifes everyday questions.
Like these:

Dear Squatch, it itches...should I wash it?

and lets not forget:

Squatch! I need help! Should I cut the blue wire, or the red one?

Thats right.
Many people have "benefited" from my "infinite wisdom".

Now, you can as well.

Im here to help.

How do they get the caramel into a Caramilk bar?

How do they get the caramel into a Caramilk bar?


Its a very brutal process actually, and its often very traumatizing on the caramilk bars.

Why do shiny things attract people (read: me)?

Why do shiny things attract people (read: me)?


See the shiny quarter?

Nice huh?

Nice shiny quarter....

*you are getting sleepy.....*

Oooh isnt it all sparkly?

*you will give me all your money*

WHere did your name come from? Yes, tell the whole story pelase :D

WHere did your name come from? Yes, tell the whole story pelase :D

Well..

A long time ago a young Squatch...(like a sasquatch, but much more domestic) was found by the Great Hunter, Uncle Dobly, and his Mexican Freind.
Deciding not to kill the young squatch, he chose instead to put a radio collar on it.
However, all they had was an old boom box that didnt work, and a piece of rope.

So they tranked him.

They also put a pair of cutoff jeans that had ripped up the side so that half of the wearers ass would show.
they were painted white with many colored spots, after the spokesman for "Smilk"....The "Smilkster."
Smilk was short lived becuase it was foul.

Also, they stole his joint.
That was just uncalled for.

Later, they left the squatch to come to, bedside the road.
But then Uncle Dobly, and his Mexican Freind got bored, so they did a couple of drive-by trankings on the Squatch for fun.

Well, soon the Squatch came to live with them, and was shaved, and taught to speak.

And thats where babies come from.

Okay, a train leaves San Francisco in a SSE direction going 45 miles per hour.

At the same time, an unemployed artificial-insemiator of ocelots figures out the actual Grand Unified Theory while watching a repeat of ESPN poker, thereby leading him to a process where matter can be harmlessly converted into energy, and vice versa, whereupon he vanishes in a brilliant flash and reforms himself on a distant shore in the shape of an aardvaark.

Now, given these facts, how long does it take for transexual hooker to give a visiting Republican Convention delegate a "happy ending"?

Well..

A long time ago a young Squatch...(like a sasquatch, but much more domestic) was found by the Great Hunter, Uncle Dobly, and his Mexican Freind.
Deciding not to kill the young squatch, he chose instead to put a radio collar on it.
However, all they had was an old boom box that didnt work, and a piece of rope.

So they tranked him.

They also put a pair of cutoff jeans that had ripped up the side so that half of the wearers ass would show.
they were painted white with many colored spots, after the spokesman for "Smilk"....The "Smilkster."
Smilk was short lived becuase it was foul.

Also, they stole his joint.
That was just uncalled for.

Later, they left the squatch to come to, bedside the road.
But then Uncle Dobly, and his Mexican Freind got bored, so they did a couple of drive-by trankings on the Squatch for fun.

Well, soon the Squatch came to live with them, and was shaved, and taught to speak.

And thats where babies come from.

:eek:

Okay, a train leaves San Francisco in a SSE direction going 45 miles per hour.

At the same time, an unemployed artificial-insemiator of ocelots figures out the actual Grand Unified Theory while watching a repeat of ESPN poker, thereby leading him to a process where matter can be harmlessly converted into energy, and vice versa, whereupon he vanishes in a brilliant flash and reforms himself on a distant shore in the shape of an aardvaark.

Now, given these facts, how long does it take for transexual hooker to give a visiting Republican Convention delegate a "happy ending"?


Exactly as long as the credits from "The Phileadelphia Experiment."

If I have 2 milk bottles hand take away 3 milk bottles then how amny milk bottles do I have?

If I have 2 milk bottles hand take away 3 milk bottles then how amny milk bottles do I have?

-1 hand milk bottles.
That isnt very amny.

-1 hand milk bottles.
That isnt very amny.
Show me -1 milk bottles, when I do this I only see 0 milk bottles.

Also, do i look big in this?

Show me -1 milk bottles, when I do this I only see 0 milk bottles.

Also, do i look big in this?


No, your ass looks big in that.

Ironically, most people who ask that question, look big in whatever their wearing.

Oh, *looks sad* Your a mean person.

Oh, *looks sad* Your a mean person.


Aww, Im sorry.'

I was just kidding.

Your butt only looks big in that outfit, not all the others.

What happened to my hat ?

What happened to my hat ?


Your hat is being held for ransom by an underground resistance band of gay hamsters.
They are willing to kill your hat, if you dont get rid of your cat, or for god's sake, get it a new rhinestone collar.

Viva La Resistance!

Where have all the good men gone?

Where have all the good men gone?


Theres only one left.

and he hasnt been in office for a very long time.

Those Bastards.

Now there is a dilemma, Hat or Cat ...

Argh !. Cursed Homosexual Hamsters.

I need to ask you.

Should i choose the hat or the cat ?

I need to ask you.

Should i choose the hat or the cat ?


Depends...do you like that hat?

Its really cool, its got a picture of a pickle on it and everything.

if the time space continuim is torn, then why is the fabric of our being so wet, i mean i can't see it it just feels soggy..whats up with that?

Its really cool, its got a picture of a pickle on it and everything.


A good hat is hard to find.

cats are free, and come in a box, with a sign :

"Free Kittens".

Keep that hat.

if the time space continuim is torn, then why is the fabric of our being so wet, i mean i can't see it it just feels soggy..whats up with that?


It may mean that the very fabric of time itself is folding up on itself, and actually creating "wormholes" ...

Or...

You may have just wet yourself.

ah that would explain the creases in the fabric but i think that darn cat wet on it

Ok. Schrodinger's cat. You know, cat in a steel box.. with a Geiger counter.. there is a tiny bit of radioactive substance, so small that perhaps in the course of one hour one of the atoms decays, but also, with equal probability, perhaps none; if it happens, the counter tube discharges and through a relay releases a hammer which shatters a small flask of hydrocyanic acid.

If one has left this entire system to itself for an hour, one would say that the cat still lives if meanwhile no atom has decayed. The first atomic decay would have poisoned it. The Psi function for the entire system would express this by having in it the living and the dead cat mixed or smeared out in equal parts..

Wouldn't you hear the cat make noise? If not, doesn't it just mean that the cat got hit with radiation and turned into uber-cat, ghosted out and now lives in a hole plotting revenge on the jerks who kept putting it in a box?

(On behalf of my daughter) Why am I hogging the internet?

Ok. Schrodinger's cat.
Yup tis a silly thought experiment created to show the meaninglessness...(is that a word?) of quantum physics in the real world. I do agree there is some hulkesque cat seeking revenge on humans somewhere for constantly putting it back in that damned box.

Yup tis a silly thought experiment created to show the meaninglessness...(is that a word?) of quantum physics in the real world. I do agree there is some hulkesque cat seeking revenge on humans somewhere for constantly putting it back in that damned box.
Maybe it's a spider-man type thing. The cat bit someone, and now it has a servant. Radioactive Cat Person. With some kind of furries outfit and an amulet. It serves the cat and wanders around killing weary scientists while they are on their way home from a long day of playing Churnoble with kitties.

so what your saying is the fabric of our being is in the box with the cat and the worms are eating holes in it and the cat is wetting on it to make them stop.....why not just turn the box over and give it a good shake and stomp on the worms free the cat and wash the fabric... would it just repeat itself?

1972 was a rerun. True or false?

so what your saying is the fabric of our being is in the box with the cat and the worms are eating holes in it and the cat is wetting on it to make them stop.....why not just turn the box over and give it a good shake and stomp on the worms free the cat and wash the fabric... would it just repeat itself?

It would repeat three times, go backwards once, spin around a nuetron star and begin life in the form dancing hamburgers in an alternate universe.

1972 was a rerun. True or false?
ahhh is this a trick question?

1972 was a rerun. True or false?
Only on Tuesdays?

i think only on every other thursday and never in a leap year?

ahhh is this a trick question?

No.

1971 was fine and '73 was more than cool, but nineteen seventy two seemed to define de ja vu? Probably just bad editing...?

I want to know why my socks smell, and what can I do about it ?
I don't want my socks telling me my shoes stink…

if jesus died from hanging instead of crucifixtion (sp?) would people be wearing a noose around their necks instead of a cross?

Ok. Schrodinger's cat. You know, cat in a steel box.. with a Geiger counter.. there is a tiny bit of radioactive substance, so small that perhaps in the course of one hour one of the atoms decays, but also, with equal probability, perhaps none; if it happens, the counter tube discharges and through a relay releases a hammer which shatters a small flask of hydrocyanic acid.

If one has left this entire system to itself for an hour, one would say that the cat still lives if meanwhile no atom has decayed. The first atomic decay would have poisoned it. The Psi function for the entire system would express this by having in it the living and the dead cat mixed or smeared out in equal parts..

Wouldn't you hear the cat make noise? If not, doesn't it just mean that the cat got hit with radiation and turned into uber-cat, ghosted out and now lives in a hole plotting revenge on the jerks who kept putting it in a box?

Didnt you ever read the Hulk?
That guy got exposed to gamma radiation and turned big, green , flipped out and killed people.

What do you supposed would happen to a heartless, cruel, demon possessed household feline?

Bad news.

1972 was a rerun. True or false?


False.

It was a porno.

Did Debbie Actually Do Dallas?

I want to know why my socks smell, and what can I do about it ?
I don't want my socks telling me my shoes stink…

First off, I would smear your feet with horse poo.

It wont get rif of the smell, but it might tone it down a bit.

if jesus died from hanging instead of crucifixtion (sp?) would people be wearing a noose around their necks instead of a cross?


He will when he comes back as a professional wrestler.

Did Debbie Actually Do Dallas?


Yes.

But she took a couple of smoke breaks.

Yes.

But she took a couple of smoke breaks.

Not what I was getting at. I was just checking to see if you knew that Debbie Does Dallas was not filmed in Dallas. Meh.

Not what I was getting at. I was just checking to see if you knew that Debbie Does Dallas was not filmed in Dallas. Meh.


Who says we were talking about the classic porno "Debbie does Dallas"?

I was talking about Debbie.

Why's it so goddamn cold right now?

If cats have better than normal hearing, how come I can sneak up on my cat and scare the crap out of it?

Why's it so goddamn cold right now?

That would most likely be due to a lack of energy in the form of heat in the surrounding air...but I'm not Squatch, so nevermind.

How come I must know where the passion hides its feelings?

That would most likely be due to a lack of energy in the form of heat in the surrounding air...but I'm not Squatch, so nevermind.


No, the correct, Squatch-like answer would have been "Because God hates you."

No, the correct, Squatch-like answer would have been "Because God hates you."

I thought Squatch was an atheist. Am I wrong?

I lack a response. It would appear that Squatch is inferior and slow.

Why's it so goddamn cold right now?

Becuase you touch yourself at night.

I thought Squatch was an atheist. Am I wrong?


Yes.

and,
Probably.

How come I must know where the passion hides its feelings?


You seek knowledge.
There is no nobler a cause.

Thus, I shall share a secret.

The passion hides its feelings in the "Bejeesus".

This is why you occasionally hear someone mention them.

"That guy just got the bejeesus knocked outta him."

It makes people emotional.

Yes.

and,
Probably.

Good answer. ;)

Why?

Why?


Becuase thats how you get the Clap, if your not careful.

What would Jesus do for a Klondike bar if that bar was in Satan's house?

Why do you make these threads?

What would Jesus do for a Klondike bar if that bar was in Satan's house?


Funny you should ask.

Jesus would be perfectly willing to shave his balls with an epilator.
BUT...it has to be the kind with the crispy bits in it.

Jesus likes the crispy bits.

Why do you make these threads?


Beucase I feel that everyone should have all the help they need with lifes everyday questions.
Its my hope that I can share some wisdom, and make an impact on peoples lives.
Everyone has questions....

...I can help you get answers.

Funny you should ask.

Jesus would be perfectly willing to shave his balls with an epilator.
BUT...it has to be the kind with the crispy bits in it.

Jesus likes the crispy bits.
and if it was?

and if it was?


Jesus would be as smooth as a baby's ass, and enjoying a Klondike Bar.

"Big and thick, no room for a stick....what would you do-o-o ...for a Klondike Bar?"

Jesus would be as smooth as a baby's ass, and enjoying a Klondike Bar.

"Big and thick, no room for a stick....what would you do-o-o ...for a Klondike Bar?"
and then what?

and then what?


After the nut shaving, and the klondike consumption, all alone in Satans house...after stealing a Klondike Bar from Satan's freezer, what WWJD?


...probably go through his medicine cabinet.

After the nut shaving, and the klondike consumption, all alone in Satans house...after stealing a Klondike Bar from Satan's freezer, what WWJD?


...probably go through his medicine cabinet.
what's his deal with the medicine cabinet?

what's his deal with the medicine cabinet?


Its what everybody does when left alone in another persons bathroom.
Besides...its where he keeps his throne.


HAH! ok..that was good.."throne"..heh......whoooo!

Its what everybody does when left alone in another persons bathroom.
Besides...its where he keeps his throne.


HAH! ok..that was good.."throne"..heh......whoooo!
1. Why is he in another person's bathroom?
2. Why is his throne there?
3. Is his throne purple?
4. Why does he have a throne?
5. Would YOU use the bathroom of Satan and go through his medicine cabinet?

5. Would YOU use the bathroom of Satan and go through his medicine cabinet?

Of course. Satan is pretty relaxed about that sort of thing. He's not at all like that God chap. ;)

Why do I have a sharp pain in my head after reading anything Colodia posts?

Why do I have a sharp pain in my head after reading anything Colodia posts?
XD You, too? XD

Squatch, when I see the word "Squatch," why do I think of some sort of African tribe that's practising some sort of pagan/voodoo ceremony not too far from Pride Rock that was in Lion King, and why do I think of African tribe leaders shaking a bag full of bamboo sticks that make these funny hollow noises when shook together? And why, when I think of how "Yet Another 'Ask the Squatch'" would be pronounced, I think of some sort of deep-voiced person with a very vague hint of Australian accent?

Squatch, when I see the word "Squatch," why do I think of some sort of African tribe that's practising some sort of pagan/voodoo ceremony not too far from Pride Rock that was in Lion King, and why do I think of African tribe leaders shaking a bag full of bamboo sticks that make these funny hollow noises when shook together? And why, when I think of how "Yet Another 'Ask the Squatch'" would be pronounced, I think of some sort of deep-voiced person with a very vague hint of Australian accent?

I think of something far, far more dirty when I think of the word "Squatch".

I think of something far, far more dirty when I think of the word "Squatch".
XD XD XD

Dear Squatch,
Are my parents really that stupid?

I have 3 questions, is there such a thing as too much sex?, how can i get rid of my hangover? and my mother told me and my sisters boyfriend to go steal 30 bricks from the construction site over the road from my house and a bucket of sand was it wrong of me to do it?

Squatch, when I see the word "Squatch," why do I think of some sort of African tribe that's practising some sort of pagan/voodoo ceremony not too far from Pride Rock that was in Lion King, and why do I think of African tribe leaders shaking a bag full of bamboo sticks that make these funny hollow noises when shook together? And why, when I think of how "Yet Another 'Ask the Squatch'" would be pronounced, I think of some sort of deep-voiced person with a very vague hint of Australian accent?


Damn.
Where to begin...

First...Decaff, dude.
Secondly...

I the the reason is because you have done a lot of acid, while watching Disney films....

Dont lie...

Its pronounced:

skwach.

Sk-wah-tch.

I think of something far, far more dirty when I think of the word "Squatch".


Thats becuase your mind lives in a dirty, dirty place.

In a van down by the river.

Dear Squatch,
Are my parents really that stupid?


Find out.

Get your parents in one room and ask your father, "Dad, would you rather sleep with Shannon Elizabeth, or Mom?"

See what he says.

I have 3 questions, is there such a thing as too much sex?, how can i get rid of my hangover? and my mother told me and my sisters boyfriend to go steal 30 bricks from the construction site over the road from my house and a bucket of sand was it wrong of me to do it?


1.Yes.

2.Drink lots of water either before you go to bed, or immediately upon waking up.
Gatorade, or Powerade work even better.

3.Did you get laid, that night?

How many licks does it take to get to the center of a Tootsie Pop?

Why is that ugly thing in the corner staring at me?

How many licks does it take to get to the center of a Tootsie Pop?

Why is that ugly thing in the corner staring at me?


1. Lets find out....

A one...

A two....

A three......*crunch*

Thrrreee.


2.Your future.

Oh no, BackwardsSquatches
I'm feeling really naughty
Last night I had a little bit
Too much fun with my body.
I was chillin' watchin' TV
When I stumbled upon Baywatch
And I got a strange sensation,
Like a fever in my crotch!

What's wrong?

Is time cyclical or linear?

Oh no, BackwardsSquatches
I'm feeling really naughty
Last night I had a little bit
Too much fun with my body.
I was chillin' watchin' TV
When I stumbled upon Baywatch
And I got a strange sensation,
Like a fever in my crotch!

What's wrong?

Your very, very white.

Its not your fault.

Is time cyclical or linear?


How long is a piece of string?

How long is a piece of string?

is time cyclical or lin...ah damn, it happened again.

is racism really caused by ignorance as many liberals contend? was nazi germany's real problem the fact that they were all dumb readnecks, with only elementary educations?

is racism really caused by ignorance as many liberals contend? was nazi germany's real problem the fact that they were all dumb readnecks, with only elementary educations?


Yes.
Yes and no.

Nazi Germany's problem was that it was full of Nazis.

Yes.
Yes and no.

Nazi Germany's problem was that it was full of Nazis.


but were they really nazis because they were poorly educated.

but were they really nazis because they were poorly educated.


No.

They were Nazis, becuase they were shitheads.

Or rather, they were Shitheads, because they were Nazis.

No.

They were Nazis, becuase they were shitheads.

Or rather, they were Shitheads, because they were Nazis.


so then you admit there are other causes for racism that just ignorance.

so then you admit there are other causes for racism that just ignorance.


Ignorance is the cause, or more precisely, the root.

But...this isnt the kind of thread I'd like to have this discussion in.

Ignorance is the cause, or more precisely, the root.

But...this isnt the kind of thread I'd like to have this discussion in.

fair enough

What's the best place to pick up women?

What's the best place to pick up women?


That depends on where they fall.

But offhand, I'd say ....anywhere you can get them to buy your drinks.

That depends on where they fall.

But offhand, I'd say ....anywhere you can get them to buy your drinks.

Actually, the best place to pick up women is in space. The lack of gravity makes picking htem up easy.

In space, no one can hear you moan.

Actually, the best place to pick up women is in space. The lack of gravity makes picking htem up easy.

In space, no one can hear you moan.


Do you know how hard it is to get ruffies into a spacesuit?

Err.....

Nevermind...

if you had a bean and a half , a half of a bean and a bean how many would you have?
and why does it always have to be beans?

How come razor blades cost as much as a new razor ?
Why are the new iMac G5 taking so long to arrive ?
Did I vote for the right people to get on city council ?

How can i travle to the 4th demension?

And can i find a GIANT Strawberry Clock when i get there?

Why is it that every time I eat corn, the next time I take a dump all the corn seems to come out as well?

AND

How much wood would a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck could chuck a 9,000 lb. tire iron through a rough trick from Houston's left eye?

What am I doing with my life?

If I can vote and die for my country, why can't I have a beer?

Why are there six foot tall rabbits named Harvey running around everywhere?

Will we have to hunt the Harveys down once they start taking hostages?

Who really runs the world?

Why is it that every time I eat corn, the next time I take a dump all the corn seems to come out as well?


Corn is too small and integrated in it's skin to be processed like normal food.

Do you think this girl is cute?
http://m510g.hp.infoseek.co.jp/img/rosa_zexy.gif

Do you think this girl is cute?
http://m510g.hp.infoseek.co.jp/img/rosa_zexy.gif

This girl is seriously cute, she reminds me of one of the girls in my german class. Oh yes, I'd love to be her boyfriend.

Which came first... the chicken or the rooster?

How long is a piece of string?

As long as the Manly Ferry's

If cats have better than normal hearing, how come I can sneak up on my cat and scare the crap out of it?

Why do you seem unable to answer my question?

What should I ask the Squatch?

if you had a bean and a half , a half of a bean and a bean how many would you have?
and why does it always have to be beans?


Becuase we need bean counters.

and you would have three beans, you could make a salad.

How come razor blades cost as much as a new razor ?
Why are the new iMac G5 taking so long to arrive ?
Did I vote for the right people to get on city council ?

1. Cause THATS how they gitcha!

2. Its a Mac.

3. probably not.

How can i travle to the 4th demension?

And can i find a GIANT Strawberry Clock when i get there?


No, but you may find some Incense and Peppermints, or maybe some Crimson and Clover.

Do you think this girl is cute?
http://m510g.hp.infoseek.co.jp/img/rosa_zexy.gif


Oh.

Hell.

Yes.

would an enlightened wo/man ever experience de ja vous?

Do you think this girl is cute?
http://m510g.hp.infoseek.co.jp/img/rosa_zexy.gif

eeek... i thought she was gonna jump out of the screen and get me like the chick from the ring

What should I ask the Squatch?


Something "Deep".

Why is it that every time I eat corn, the next time I take a dump all the corn seems to come out as well?

AND

How much wood would a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck could chuck a 9,000 lb. tire iron through a rough trick from Houston's left eye?



Wow.

These are tough ones.

1. Corn is actually terribly apathetic.

2. A woodchuck would chuck all the wood, if he ever found a 9,000 tire iron.
Thats right!
That trick would be a dead mutha, from Houston!
We keep an aye out for ya baby.

would an enlightened wo/man ever experience de ja vous?

Interesting.

Deep.

An enlightened man wouldnt experience Deja Vu, because there is nothing to perfect, this time around.

Okay...

Did I miss anyone?

A couple of days ago I arrived at 8.05 on a meeting that started at 8.00. There was a girl that asked me why I was late, and I said I wasn't late. I told her: “Because of the huge speed at which I was riding my bike there was a time dilatation causing my time to be 8.00 at the time of my arrival, it’s all in the lorentztransformation!”

1.Why didn’t she believe me?
2.Will an argument like this stand up in court?
3.As it really happened, am i insane?

A couple of days ago I arrived at 8.05 on a meeting that started at 8.00. There was a girl that asked me why I was late, and I said I wasn't late. I told her: “Because of the huge speed at which I was riding my bike there was a time dilatation causing my time to be 8.00 at the time of my arrival, it’s all in the lorentztransformation!”

1.Why didn’t she believe me?
2.Will an argument like this stand up in court?
3.As it really happened, am i insane?


1. Probably becuase you couldnt keep a straight face. Poise man! Its all about poise!
2. You'll need "experts" to testify for you. WE never had this conversation!
3. Likely.

I really have to take a shit, but I'm at the main hall of my university and my laptop will lie there unprotected for some time. Can I leave it without it getting stolen?

I really have to take a shit, but I'm at the main hall of my university and my laptop will lie there unprotected for some time. Can I leave it without it getting stolen?


well..since your going to be in there a while.........heh.

what are those hard plastic thingies called at the end of your shoelace?

what are those hard plastic thingies called at the end of your shoelace?


I dunno, but whoever thought of that is probably a rich swine.
See?

Thats what goin' ta college gets ya.

what does "curva" mean?

what does "curva" mean?


Its how Southerners say "Curvy".

Its how Southerners say "Curvy".
It's whore. Polish people say it all the time, like Americans say "shit" lots of times.

Now I've proven BackwoodsSquatches wrong, the universe will cease to exist in: 5...4...3...2...1......

1/2?

It's whore. Polish people say it all the time, like Americans say "shit" lots of times.

Now I've proven BackwoodsSquatches wrong, the universe will cease to exist in: 5...4...3...2...1......

1/2?

*waits*

Hm...

Seems I was correct afterall.

WHOOO ME!

*waits*

Hm...

Seems I was correct afterall.

WHOOO ME!
DAMN!

Why does the universe still exist?

DAMN!

Why does the universe still exist?


Out of spite.

how can I prove you wrong?

how can I prove you wrong?

Good question.

Its going to be tough.

I was wrong once.

See, I thought I was wrong, but it turned out, I wasnt.

Good question.

Its going to be tough.

I was wrong once.

See, I thought I was wrong, but it turned out, I wasnt.
LOL

what does "ffs" mean?

what does "ffs" mean?


For
F*cks
Sake.

OR..

As I prefer...

Four
Friendly
Squirrels.

Why can't I look at (the actor who played) Al Bundy without expecting him to say: "A fat woman came in the shoestore today..."?

whats more evil god modders or thread hijackers

why is the masturbations thread not closed?

I really have to take a shit, but I'm at the main hall of my university and my laptop will lie there unprotected for some time. Can I leave it without it getting stolen?

Umm, no. You're going to look at your porn collection on your laptop while you spank the monkey. Actually, just hang up the laptop bag on the hook and then take a shit. (spanking the monkey is optional)

Damn.
Where to begin...

First...Decaff, dude.
Secondly...

I the the reason is because you have done a lot of acid, while watching Disney films....

Dont lie...

Its pronounced:

skwach.

Sk-wah-tch.
NO! NO DECAFF! DECAFF BAD! CAFFEINATED GOOD! Ooh, a shiny thing... and I know that it's pronounced like that... o.o how did you know i do acid while watching Disney films?! SPIES!

What is it about me that annoys people?

For the third time:
If cats have better than normal hearing, how come I can sneak up on my cat and scare the crap out of it?

how come a summer cold is harder to get rid of than a winter cold?