Kurai Nami
10-09-2004, 19:38
FLORIDA HURRICANE PREPARATIONS
You all should be aware of hurricane preparations, but
in case you need a refresher course: We're about to
enter the peak of the hurricane season. Any minute
now, you're going to turn on the TV and see a weather
person pointing to some radar blob out in the Atlantic
Ocean and making two basic meteorological points.
(1) There is no need to panic.
(2) We could all be killed.
Yes, hurricane season is an exciting time to be in
Florida. If you're
new to the area, you're probably wondering what you
need to do to prepare for the possibility that we'll
get hit by "the big one." Based on our insurance
industry experiences, we recommend that you follow
this simple three-step hurricane preparedness plan:
STEP 1: Buy enough food and bottled water to last
your family for at least three days.
STEP 2: Put these supplies into your car.
STEP 3: Drive to Nebraska and remain there until
Halloween.
Unfortunately, statistics show that most people will
not follow this sensible plan. Most people will
foolishly stay here in Florida.
We'll start with one of the most important hurricane
preparedness items:
HOMEOWNERS' INSURANCE:
If you own a home, you must have hurricane insurance.
Fortunately, this insurance is cheap and easy to get,
as long as your home meets two basic requirements:
(1) It is reasonably well-built, and
(2) It is located in Wisconsin
Unfortunately, if your home is located in Florida, or
any other area that might actually be hit by a
hurricane, most insurance companies would prefer not
to sell you hurricane insurance, because then they
might be required to pay YOU money, and that is
certainly not why they got into the insurance business
in the first place. So you'll have to scrounge around
for an insurance company, which will charge you an
annual premium roughly equal to the replacement value
of your house. At any moment, this company can drop
you like used dental floss.
SHUTTERS:
Your house should have hurricane shutters on all the
windows, all the doors. There are several types of
shutters, with advantages and disadvantages:
Plywood shutters: The advantage is that, because you
make them yourself, they're cheap.
Sheet-metal shutters: The advantage is that these work
well, once you get them all up. The disadvantage is
that once you get them all up, your hands will be
useless bleeding stumps, and it will be December.
Roll-down shutters: The advantages are that they're
very easy to use, and will definitely protect your
house. The disadvantage is that you will have to sell
your house to pay for them.
Hurricane-proof windows: These are the newest wrinkle
in hurricane protection: They look like ordinary
windows, but they can withstand hurricane winds! You
can be sure of this, because the salesman says so.
He lives in Nebraska.
Hurricane Proofing your property: As the hurricane
approaches, check your yard for movable objects like
barbecue grills, planters, patio furniture, visiting
relatives, etc... You should, as a precaution, throw
these items into your swimming pool (if you don't have
a swimming pool, you should have one built
immediately). Otherwise, the hurricane winds will turn
these objects into deadly missiles.
EVACUATION ROUTE:
If you live in a low-lying area, you should have an
evacuation route planned out. (To determine whether
you live in a low-lying area, look at your driver's
license; if it says "Florida," you live in a low-lying
area). The purpose of having an evacuation route is to
avoid being trapped in your home when a major storm
hits. Instead, you will be trapped in a gigantic
traffic jam several miles from your home, along with
two hundred thousand other evacuees. So, as a bonus,
you will not be lonely.
HURRICANE SUPPLIES:
If you don't evacuate, you will need a mess of
supplies. Do not buy them now! Florida tradition
requires that you wait until the last possible minute,
then go to the supermarket and get into vicious fights
with strangers over who gets the last can of cat food.
In addition to food and water, you will need the
following supplies: 23 flashlights. At least $167
worth of batteries that turn out, when the power goes
off, to be the wrong size for the flashlights.
Bleach. (No, I don't know what the bleach is for.
NOBODY knows what the bleach is for, but it's
traditional, so GET some!)
A big knife that you can strap to your leg. (This
will be useless in a hurricane, but it looks cool.)
A large quantity of raw chicken, to placate the
alligators.(Ask anybody who went through Andrew; after
the hurricane, there WILL be irate alligators.)
$35,000 in cash or diamonds so that, after the
hurricane passes, you can buy a generator from a man
with no discernible teeth.
Of course these are just basic precautions. As the
hurricane draws
near, it is vitally important that you keep abreast of
the situation by turning on your television and
watching TV reporters in rain slickers stand right
next to the ocean and tell you over and over how
vitally important it is for everybody to stay away
from the ocean.
Good luck, and remember: Its great living in
Paradise.
You all should be aware of hurricane preparations, but
in case you need a refresher course: We're about to
enter the peak of the hurricane season. Any minute
now, you're going to turn on the TV and see a weather
person pointing to some radar blob out in the Atlantic
Ocean and making two basic meteorological points.
(1) There is no need to panic.
(2) We could all be killed.
Yes, hurricane season is an exciting time to be in
Florida. If you're
new to the area, you're probably wondering what you
need to do to prepare for the possibility that we'll
get hit by "the big one." Based on our insurance
industry experiences, we recommend that you follow
this simple three-step hurricane preparedness plan:
STEP 1: Buy enough food and bottled water to last
your family for at least three days.
STEP 2: Put these supplies into your car.
STEP 3: Drive to Nebraska and remain there until
Halloween.
Unfortunately, statistics show that most people will
not follow this sensible plan. Most people will
foolishly stay here in Florida.
We'll start with one of the most important hurricane
preparedness items:
HOMEOWNERS' INSURANCE:
If you own a home, you must have hurricane insurance.
Fortunately, this insurance is cheap and easy to get,
as long as your home meets two basic requirements:
(1) It is reasonably well-built, and
(2) It is located in Wisconsin
Unfortunately, if your home is located in Florida, or
any other area that might actually be hit by a
hurricane, most insurance companies would prefer not
to sell you hurricane insurance, because then they
might be required to pay YOU money, and that is
certainly not why they got into the insurance business
in the first place. So you'll have to scrounge around
for an insurance company, which will charge you an
annual premium roughly equal to the replacement value
of your house. At any moment, this company can drop
you like used dental floss.
SHUTTERS:
Your house should have hurricane shutters on all the
windows, all the doors. There are several types of
shutters, with advantages and disadvantages:
Plywood shutters: The advantage is that, because you
make them yourself, they're cheap.
Sheet-metal shutters: The advantage is that these work
well, once you get them all up. The disadvantage is
that once you get them all up, your hands will be
useless bleeding stumps, and it will be December.
Roll-down shutters: The advantages are that they're
very easy to use, and will definitely protect your
house. The disadvantage is that you will have to sell
your house to pay for them.
Hurricane-proof windows: These are the newest wrinkle
in hurricane protection: They look like ordinary
windows, but they can withstand hurricane winds! You
can be sure of this, because the salesman says so.
He lives in Nebraska.
Hurricane Proofing your property: As the hurricane
approaches, check your yard for movable objects like
barbecue grills, planters, patio furniture, visiting
relatives, etc... You should, as a precaution, throw
these items into your swimming pool (if you don't have
a swimming pool, you should have one built
immediately). Otherwise, the hurricane winds will turn
these objects into deadly missiles.
EVACUATION ROUTE:
If you live in a low-lying area, you should have an
evacuation route planned out. (To determine whether
you live in a low-lying area, look at your driver's
license; if it says "Florida," you live in a low-lying
area). The purpose of having an evacuation route is to
avoid being trapped in your home when a major storm
hits. Instead, you will be trapped in a gigantic
traffic jam several miles from your home, along with
two hundred thousand other evacuees. So, as a bonus,
you will not be lonely.
HURRICANE SUPPLIES:
If you don't evacuate, you will need a mess of
supplies. Do not buy them now! Florida tradition
requires that you wait until the last possible minute,
then go to the supermarket and get into vicious fights
with strangers over who gets the last can of cat food.
In addition to food and water, you will need the
following supplies: 23 flashlights. At least $167
worth of batteries that turn out, when the power goes
off, to be the wrong size for the flashlights.
Bleach. (No, I don't know what the bleach is for.
NOBODY knows what the bleach is for, but it's
traditional, so GET some!)
A big knife that you can strap to your leg. (This
will be useless in a hurricane, but it looks cool.)
A large quantity of raw chicken, to placate the
alligators.(Ask anybody who went through Andrew; after
the hurricane, there WILL be irate alligators.)
$35,000 in cash or diamonds so that, after the
hurricane passes, you can buy a generator from a man
with no discernible teeth.
Of course these are just basic precautions. As the
hurricane draws
near, it is vitally important that you keep abreast of
the situation by turning on your television and
watching TV reporters in rain slickers stand right
next to the ocean and tell you over and over how
vitally important it is for everybody to stay away
from the ocean.
Good luck, and remember: Its great living in
Paradise.