Tehok
09-09-2004, 09:24
With all the passion deep within, I express to all the fatigue one man’s ages have pressed upon me here. The pains and aches which the bellows of remorse spark to life within my heart are rife with the sadness and guilt that I have forever suppressed until now. I speak these simple words only to be heard by my own deafened ears, whose powers turn from me due to the agonizing, cold truth that causes my voice to tremble and flee the persecution of my breath like a crisp, dead leaf blown asunder by a woeful gale of pleasant horrors. The discomfort of my uncivil gestations has weighed me down far too long and far to deep for me to bare any longer, and now, gasping for breath in this sailor’s grave made by my own salted tears, I beg forgiveness. I ask of this great price, but I have nothing to return such kindness and love - not home nor fortune nor family can I offer, only my ephemeral emotions can I put to the Creator as sacrifice. Yet I ask of it still, this forgiveness - selfish as it may be - from you, from myself, and above all, from my God, whose love of me I will never understand, but I need. Just to find courage to draw in my next breath, I must know that God will forgive me through the power of the Christ, and that I might find sanctuary in his arms when that final hour comes round at last and I must answer for who I am and what justifies my sentence to paradise. I have abused this vessel to obscene ends, and whatever part of my heart has not been scalded by said viced flames, whatever part still pumps with life and love, I know that it is sorry for the things I have done, and I wish that were enough for me to rest at night, but even my blackest blood does not run thick enough to extinguish the corporal blaze.
My stomach and my consciousness are equally filled to their bursting brims with my lust for physical gratification, for I know that it is true that lust empowers my sloth, and my sloth empowers my gluttony. Thus a triumvirate of three lethal sins, so powerful that they are unreconcilable by man alone, has long been born unto my person, and at last the shame overwhelms my humble and fragile shell bestowed upon my poor, weak, injured soul. My penance I know nothing about, I know only shame for these mortal flaws, and if this shame kills me as I try to right what I have done... then I beg my spirit be set free from this terrible plane at your hands, that I may once know happiness free of my addiction. These abuses lied to me, and they led me to believe that I could be satisfied with my solitude and subtle transgressions. I once thought that it was my mind, alone, being the only one to function in my singular existence, but I am sure that I had knowingly leapt from God’s bridge, established over the stormy waters of free will.
I do not blame my decisions and incoherent justifications of my vices upon the desolation of my mind, for I have always been intelligent enough to make my own choices through mankind’s creation of logic and reason, but I have never been wise enough to look beyond such devices to make the right choices. I have been irresponsible, as so many of my brothers and sisters who walk this world in my times have been, and I have failed miserably to recognize the value of my blessing of life - and yours. I am not a worthless man of clay, but a living, thinking being of flesh and soul - my life, my body, and my will are not the essence of mud, but are the priceless exigencies of a wonderful series of truths. It is this love of truth and faith in the power of the individual that knowingly faces adversity time and again which makes me so vastly value my worth, and it shatters me to think how long I have gone telling myself that it is no one’s business what I do with my gifts, and that one man is not a role model, so my inaction will not contribute to the decay of that and those which I love.
The wages of sin are death? Then I am dying, and I see it in me when I look myself in the eye in the mirror. I see myself, and I see the face of a liar and a thief, parched lips that charm and persuade the most valuable of commodities to be stolen from the unknowing guise of the innocent, my spoils being trust, love and pride. But what’s more hidden in my face, is what must be looked at twice in each eye. I have the volition of a killer, and what I lust for the most is the flesh of those who trespass against me. Of all things I want in my heart, so common is my want for revenge and vindication, calling them in my mind justice and balance, but feeling in my chest the desires born from the womb of hate and spite. I wish to be free of this the most, I want to forgive and be forgiven as the Lord’s prayer says. What God can forgive my trespasses, if I cannot forgive those who trespass against me? Do I so deserve punishment eternal? Do they? I want to give in to my passions and embrace the hate that dwells inside me, but I remind myself that no God could possibly have the wrath that lurks within me and corrupts me. Piece by piece, piece by piece, piece by piece, I have torn myself anew and rekindled the harms done unto me as a child and a youth. Only the mightiest of Lords may bridle me into penitence and calm, and so I have been. I do not know what my master wishes of me, but as his beast of burden I am prepared to plough the fields through rock and clay from dawn to dusk to dawn, and make it so that my brothers and sisters may attain illumination, and feel the peaceful touch of God’s hand upon their filthy mane.
My heart shall heal, and my love will ring true from the greatest bell of Notre Dame, for my Christ’s love is the balm that soothes the viper stings of misjudgement in my ethereal exigency. This I swear, forever and ever, my witnesses being the flawless perception of God and my own crippled stare, that I shall lust no more. I shall be slothful and be wanting never again, for I gain my power from him, amen. Instead of sloth, gluttony, and lust, these three oaths will be my new addictions.
1. To live
2. To love
3. To give
My stomach and my consciousness are equally filled to their bursting brims with my lust for physical gratification, for I know that it is true that lust empowers my sloth, and my sloth empowers my gluttony. Thus a triumvirate of three lethal sins, so powerful that they are unreconcilable by man alone, has long been born unto my person, and at last the shame overwhelms my humble and fragile shell bestowed upon my poor, weak, injured soul. My penance I know nothing about, I know only shame for these mortal flaws, and if this shame kills me as I try to right what I have done... then I beg my spirit be set free from this terrible plane at your hands, that I may once know happiness free of my addiction. These abuses lied to me, and they led me to believe that I could be satisfied with my solitude and subtle transgressions. I once thought that it was my mind, alone, being the only one to function in my singular existence, but I am sure that I had knowingly leapt from God’s bridge, established over the stormy waters of free will.
I do not blame my decisions and incoherent justifications of my vices upon the desolation of my mind, for I have always been intelligent enough to make my own choices through mankind’s creation of logic and reason, but I have never been wise enough to look beyond such devices to make the right choices. I have been irresponsible, as so many of my brothers and sisters who walk this world in my times have been, and I have failed miserably to recognize the value of my blessing of life - and yours. I am not a worthless man of clay, but a living, thinking being of flesh and soul - my life, my body, and my will are not the essence of mud, but are the priceless exigencies of a wonderful series of truths. It is this love of truth and faith in the power of the individual that knowingly faces adversity time and again which makes me so vastly value my worth, and it shatters me to think how long I have gone telling myself that it is no one’s business what I do with my gifts, and that one man is not a role model, so my inaction will not contribute to the decay of that and those which I love.
The wages of sin are death? Then I am dying, and I see it in me when I look myself in the eye in the mirror. I see myself, and I see the face of a liar and a thief, parched lips that charm and persuade the most valuable of commodities to be stolen from the unknowing guise of the innocent, my spoils being trust, love and pride. But what’s more hidden in my face, is what must be looked at twice in each eye. I have the volition of a killer, and what I lust for the most is the flesh of those who trespass against me. Of all things I want in my heart, so common is my want for revenge and vindication, calling them in my mind justice and balance, but feeling in my chest the desires born from the womb of hate and spite. I wish to be free of this the most, I want to forgive and be forgiven as the Lord’s prayer says. What God can forgive my trespasses, if I cannot forgive those who trespass against me? Do I so deserve punishment eternal? Do they? I want to give in to my passions and embrace the hate that dwells inside me, but I remind myself that no God could possibly have the wrath that lurks within me and corrupts me. Piece by piece, piece by piece, piece by piece, I have torn myself anew and rekindled the harms done unto me as a child and a youth. Only the mightiest of Lords may bridle me into penitence and calm, and so I have been. I do not know what my master wishes of me, but as his beast of burden I am prepared to plough the fields through rock and clay from dawn to dusk to dawn, and make it so that my brothers and sisters may attain illumination, and feel the peaceful touch of God’s hand upon their filthy mane.
My heart shall heal, and my love will ring true from the greatest bell of Notre Dame, for my Christ’s love is the balm that soothes the viper stings of misjudgement in my ethereal exigency. This I swear, forever and ever, my witnesses being the flawless perception of God and my own crippled stare, that I shall lust no more. I shall be slothful and be wanting never again, for I gain my power from him, amen. Instead of sloth, gluttony, and lust, these three oaths will be my new addictions.
1. To live
2. To love
3. To give