NationStates Jolt Archive

Got a good, funny quote you would like to share? Post it!

I've got a little book that I write down ones I find funny in, and while Im not going to type out all 187 of them, Ill post a few...
I started this a few years ago and neglected to write down who said them...sorry.

'Man, though well behaved, is at best a monkey shaved'

'Ah, but did you enjoy the play, Mrs. Lincoln?'

'One feels the need to questing how such a rare element could affect the world in any major way'
(This one I remember, it was a New York Times article (1901, I think) about the discovery of Plutonium)

'The ability to speak (Or type) does not make you intelligent'
-Star Wars, EP1

'Everybody talks about the weather, but nobody DOES anything about it.'

'Slaves would be tyrants, givin half a chance.'

'Honour before profit, where practical.'

'Even God(s) has(ve) a sense of humour.'

'A jury is a group slected to decide who has a better lawyer.'

'An intelligent fool is more foolish than an ignorant one.'

'Get your facts straight first, then you can distort them all you want.'

'You cant repeal the law of gravity'

'Physics cannot be amended'

'If a=b, b=c and c=d then dont get a job as a proofreader.'

And finnaly, the quote that explains EVERYTHING, no matter how complicated:
"BECAUSE"

"Cadet Silvey, I would hate to have to write home to your mother and say 'I'm sorry Mrs. Silvey, but your son lacked attention to detail and walked beneath the props of a C-130 and his brains were scattered to the winds.'"

"Sometimes stress is a good thing. If the ship is burning, don't walk around like 'Hey I'm relaxed' you're gonna die!"

"I'm sorry Wendy, but I just don't trust something that bleeds for 5 days and doesn't die."

"Anyone capable of getting themselves made president should under no circumstances be allowed to do the job."

"Be nice to geeks. They may end up being your boss some day."

"The word 'genius' isn't applicable in football. A genius is a guy like Norman Einstein."
- Joe Theisman, quarterback and sports analyst

Ahhhh Motherland !!!!!!!!!!!!- some movie is saw

"Gentlemen you can't fight here, this is the war room!"

"He will rape your houses and burn your women"
-Tyrandis referring to AMF

"I'm afraid I must kill you mein Kapitan"
-Adolf in his first election

"Dude, where's my car?"
-Liek I need to tell you?

"OMG!!11!!! I R TEH WINNAR!"
-Every n00b on NationStates

"My Alpha Omega Bomb kills you all and now you are in Nuclear Winter!!!! (or something like that)"
-Facist White States

Eh...

C-4 makes a dull day fun!

"To crush your enemys, to see them driven before you, and to hear the lamentations of their women"

So if you resurect an undead wouldn't that make him alive? And I don't know wouldn't that be the same as killing him?

"I MUST CRUSH YOU"
-Rocky something or other

"Keep your friends close, and your enemies closer"
-The Godfather?

"Wow, a leatherbound edition of Das Kapital!"
-Daria's dad

"Eh fuck you too..."
-Me

I pity de fool!
-Mr. T

"I see," said the blind man, pissing into the wind, "its all coming back to me now!"

you'll be one of those grumpy old men sitting in the corner of a crowded cafe....mumbling to yourself....."my ass is twitching...you people make my ass twitch."

I watch a lot of TV. I drink a lot of coffee, too. But you know what's really addictive? Heroin.

It's non-toxic. And everyone knows that non-toxic means " tastes like chicken".

Nietzsche said God was dead. God said Nietzsche was dead. Guess who won?

"Have yourself a nice, tall, refreshing glass of DIE!"

When a certain scientist locked a cat inside a box with radiactive waste, he created something that was both alive and dead, and that was the origin of...
Schöredinger cat, quantum zombie pet!

Willpower over Fatigue! Willpower over Fatigue! Willpower over *faints*

"Have you ever thought about just turning off the TV, sitting down with your kids, and hitting them?"

"If the automobile had followed the same development cycle as the computer, a Rolls-Royce would today cost $100, get a million miles per gallon, and explode once a year, killing everyone inside."

"I am an expert of electricity. My father occupied the chair of applied electricity at the state prison."
WC Fields.

"Researchers have discovered that chocolate produces some of the same reactions in the brain as marijuana. The researchers also discovered other similarities between the two but can't remember what they are."
Matt Lauer on NBC's Today Show .

"Now they show you how detergents take out bloodstains, a pretty violent image there. I think if you've got a T-shirt with a bloodstain all over it, maybe laundry isn't your biggest problem. Maybe you should get rid of the body before you do the wash."
Jerry Seinfeld.

"I like children - fried."
W.C. Fields.

Every time you download a movie, a Hollywood kid gets a BMW instead of a Porsche.
Think of the Porsche workers.

"Its violent and educational, but mostly violent. YAY VIOLENCE!!!" ~Fairly OddParents

Life isn't like a box of chocolates.. It's more like a jar of jalepenos. What you do today could burn your ass tomorrow.

A positive attitude may not solve all your problems, but it will annoy enough people to make it worth the effort.

A truly wise man never plays leapfrog with a unicorn.

Don't criticize my mess unless you'd like to become part of it.

Copywight 1994 Elmer Fudd. All wights wesewved.

I'm gonna live forever, or die trying.

When you're a fat little kid, there are no more see-saws...only catapults.

If you cannot solve it, it is not a problem - it is reality.



;)

"Anyone who is conservative at the age of 25 has no heart; anyone liberal at the age of 45 has no brain." -- paraphrased, attributed incorrectly to Churchill

"And what else can we burn?"
"More witches!"

"There are some exceedingly useful words in this language. Schlag, for example; and Zug. There are three-quarters of a column of Schlags in the dictionary, and a column and a half of Zugs. The word Schlag means Blow, Stroke, Dash, Hit, Shock, Clap, Slap, Time, Bar, Coin, Stamp, Kind, Sort, Manner, Way, Apoplexy, Wood-cutting, Enclosure, Field, Forest-clearing. This is its simple and exact meaning -- that is to say, its restricted, its fettered meaning; but there are ways by which you can set it free, so that it can soar away, as on the wings of the morning, and never be at rest. You can hang any word you please to its tail, and make it mean anything you want to. You can begin with Schlag-ader, which means artery, and you can hang on the whole dictionary, word by word, clear through the alphabet to Schlag-wasser, which means bilge-water -- and including Schlag-mutter, which means mother-in-law.

Just the same with Zug. Strictly speaking, Zug means Pull, Tug, Draught, Procession, March, Progress, Flight, Direction, Expedition, Train, Caravan, Passage, Stroke, Touch, Line, Flourish, Trait of Character, Feature, Lineament, Chess-move, Organ-stop, Team, Whiff, Bias, Drawer, Propensity, Inhalation, Disposition: but that thing which it does not mean -- when all its legitimate pennants have been hung on, has not been discovered yet.

One cannot overestimate the usefulness of Schlag and Zug. Armed just with these two, and the word also, what cannot the foreigner on German soil accomplish? The German word also is the equivalent of the English phrase "You know," and does not mean anything at all -- in talk, though it sometimes does in print. Every time a German opens his mouth an also falls out; and every time he shuts it he bites one in two that was trying to get out." -- Mark Twain

"People are like slinkies: They're not good for much, but you can't help but smile when you see one falling down a flight of stairs."

"The multiplicity of methods of skinning a cat, are of little comfort to the feline involved."

"A knife doesnt kill a person, exsanguination does."

"Our calculations are always correct, for we are giant brains!"
-Giant Brain

"You're trying to kill me, you fruit-filled bastard!"
-Orc in an Order of the Stick webcomic

"Time to repress anouther memory."
-Bart Simpson

"Halo 2 is a lot like Halo 1, only it's Halo 1 on fire, going 130 miles per hour through a hospital zone, being chased by helicopters and ninjas... And, the ninjas are on fire too."
-Jason Jones from Bungie Studios

"Woo Woooo! Here comes the clue train, last stop is you."
-Maddox

<xterm> The problem with America is stupidity. I'm not saying there should be a capital punishment for stupidity, but why don't we just take the safety labels off of everything and let the problem solve itself?
-Bash.org

<scirDSL> I hated going to weddings. All the grandmas would poke me saying "You're next". They stopped that when I started doing it to them at funerals.
-Bash.org

<Raven> I tried setting my hotmail password to penis.
<Raven> It said my password wasn't long enough. :(
-Bash.org

<Patrician|Away> what does your robot do, sam?
<bovril> it collects data about the surrounding environment, then discards it and drives into walls
-Bash.org

"I'm tired of having to whip out the idiot to english dictionary to understand what you're trying to say."
-Foamy

I love quotes like these, I actually have a word document three or four pages longs just filled with funny quotes.

You mean you were diagnosed with something called a brain cloud and didn't ask for a second opinion?

Joe Versus The Volcano

"You all remember, I suppose, that beautiful and inspired saying of Our Ford's: History is bunk."

"Cleanliness is next to fordliness."

" 'In fact', said Mustapha Mond, 'you're claiming the right to be unhappy.'
'All right then,' said the Savage defiantly, 'I'm claiming the right to be unhappy.'
'Not to mention the right to grow old and ugly and impotent; the right to have syphilis and cancer; the right to have too little to eat; the right to be lousy; the right to live in constant apprehension of what may happen to-morrow; the right to catch typhoid; the right to be tortured by unspeakable pains of every kind.' There was a long silence.
'I claim them all,' said the Savage at last.
Mustapha Mond shrugged his shoulders. 'You're welcome,' he said."

And who could forget:
"A gramme is better than a damn."

I actually had a woman break up with me because, in her words, "You're the kind of guy I'd marry, not date."

And another, told to me by a girl I knew a long time ago (who happened to be a model): "I wish I could find a guy just like you."

And my favorite quote said by your truly: "You girls seem to want a guy who is a 'challenge'. Find the best-looking, wittiest, richest guy in any room, and I guarantee he's slept with a woman who is fatter, uglier and more annoying than you. Where's the challenge? Shut up and pass me a beer."