NationStates Jolt Archive

Which would be more heartbreaking:

A. To have a lover that falls in love with someone else but never does anything about it (i.e. stays loyal to you in spite of being in love with someone else and never tells their 'someone else' that they have any feelings for them.)

Or...

B. To have a lover that has sex with other people but doesn't fall in love with the other people they are having sex with (or so they claim).

I'm going with "C" none of the above!

I'm going with "C" none of the above!


Well, the question was which is worse. Seeing how niether A nor B is desirable. C would only be an option if the question was "which would be better".

I'd go with A, as eventually their feelings would become the better of them anyway

I don't think I like either option though. Both would be bad. But if I have to pick, I guess B is worse.

A. To have a lover that falls in love with someone else but never does anything about it (i.e. stays loyal to you in spite of being in love with someone else and never tells their 'someone else' that they have any feelings for them.)

That one.

Just as reference, it is worse because the person you care about wants to be with someone else. And if you really care about them, you'll let them go.

Which would be more heartbreaking:

A. To have a lover that falls in love with someone else but never does anything about it (i.e. stays loyal to you in spite of being in love with someone else and never tells their 'someone else' that they have any feelings for them.)

Or...

B. To have a lover that has sex with other people but doesn't fall in love with the other people they are having sex with (or so they claim).
I dunno, if it's 'B', can I watch?
Especially if it's another chick she's getting off with :p

B
in real life married people develop crushes on other people and dont to anything about them quite frequently

the bastard who screws many other women is ripping your heart out over and over again as well as putting your own health in danger. and subjecting you to public humiliation (think hillary clinton)

Yeah, B is a much bigger physical risk. While neither one is good emotionally, you can't catch syphillus from your spouse's wistfulness.

B, I guess out of the sheer principle of them sleeping around. Emotionally though, A would probably be more devastating.

I mean, them sleeping around means that there is an excuse to break off the unhappy relationship...with the first example, they've done nothing wrong but they're still obviously unhappy and dont know how to express it perhaps...

A, blatently. I can handle someone sleeping with other people as long as I knew they weren't going to leave me.

I'd say B.

A, blatently. I can handle someone sleeping with other people as long as I knew they weren't going to leave me.

Yes, I agree.

Why would I ever want to be with such a person?

I'd go with A, as eventually their feelings would become the better of them anyway

Yah, it'd be more heartbreaking emotionaly...but then again, it's not a crime to fall out of love with someone and you can't help who you fall in love with. Least the person is being honorable in not cheating.

What about dumpin' their sorry ass? Can't I pick that as an option?

What about dumpin' their sorry ass? Can't I pick that as an option?


Nah, it's a "which is worse", A or B. (Leaving someone isn't worse, niether would be Steph's "none of the above".) The idea of the question is to find out which one is more heartbraking.

Which would be more heartbreaking:

A. To have a lover that falls in love with someone else but never does anything about it (i.e. stays loyal to you in spite of being in love with someone else and never tells their 'someone else' that they have any feelings for them.)

Or...

B. To have a lover that has sex with other people but doesn't fall in love with the other people they are having sex with (or so they claim).
A. is a lot worse for and harder on the person that has the feeling for someone else; but, B. is a person that's trying to be deceitful.

BTW, anybody that comes onto a thread and says they pick C. simply has nothing to say and is trying to be difficult and condescending.

A. is a lot worse for and harder on the person that has the feeling for someone else;

Tell me about it! I know the feeling exactly!


but, B. is a person that's trying to be deceitful.

I agree.

but, B. is a person that's trying to be deceitful.

how so? that's not necessarily the case. my boyfriend and i have an open relationship, and we are totally honest about it both to each other and to anybody else that might become involved.

how so? that's not necessarily the case. my boyfriend and i have an open relationship, and we are totally honest about it both to each other and to anybody else that might become involved.


Well...let's say in this case the person really is being deceitful because their partner doesn't know.

I am a psychopath, devoid of human emotion. I wouldn't be very upset in either case.

how so? that's not necessarily the case. my boyfriend and i have an open relationship, and we are totally honest about it both to each other and to anybody else that might become involved.
Well, it's great for you that you have an open relationship. That wasn't included in the gist of the situation here; lots of people don't have one. That's when it's deceitful.

You people don't seem to understand what faith is.

This will sound especially odd coming from me, an atheist... but faith is a lot bigger than religion.

So many people seem to think that "A" is worse -- having a lover who has doubts, or desires someone else, but remains faithful to you anyway. Worse than having someone who cheats on you... and apparently it doesn't take much, since he or she doesn't even feel anything for those with whom he/she cheats?

People's feelings waver or change all the time. The essence of a truly loving relationship, however, is faithfulness -- which means that even when your feelings aren't completely in it, you stick with it out of good faith. You have made a commitment to someone, and you keep that faith.

This isn't to say that you should stick with it through "anything and everything." Plenty of relationships don't work out. But keeping good faith means that you don't throw it all away just because your feelings waver.

I would much prefer to have a partner who "falls" for someone else but sticks with me and refuses to act on those feelings because she has faith that in the long run we are meant for one another... I much prefer this to someone who can't keep her hands off of anyone she happens to find attractive.

Well...let's say in this case the person really is being deceitful because their partner doesn't know.
hmm, in that case it is a tough call:

in the case of A, there is more a sense of emotional betrayal, but they are choosing not to act upon it. in the case of B, not only is there betrayal, but they are acting upon it.

for me, i think B might actually be a bigger betrayal, because of the physical danger; if my partner were having sex with somebody else and were keeping it a secret then, to keep the secret, he would have to keep having unprotected sex with me. that would mean he would not only be betraying my trust, but also putting me in physical danger, which would be pretty clear proof that he had no regard for my happiness or my safety.

case A would feel horrible, don't get me wrong, and i would break things off as soon as that sort of situation developed. it's awful when one person falls out of love in a relationship, but it is something that happens and can be dealt with respectfully and gently if both people still care about each other and wish each other well. if my lover found somebody who he truly believed could make him happier then i would have to let him go to be with that person, because he couldn't be faithful to me in any real sense if his heart was with somebody else.

You people don't seem to understand what faith is.

This will sound especially odd coming from me, an atheist... but faith is a lot bigger than religion.

So many people seem to think that "A" is worse -- having a lover who has doubts, or desires someone else, but remains faithful to you anyway. Worse than having someone who cheats on you... and apparently it doesn't take much, since he or she doesn't even feel anything for those with whom he/she cheats?

People's feelings waver or change all the time. The essence of a truly loving relationship, however, is faithfulness -- which means that even when your feelings aren't completely in it, you stick with it out of good faith. You have made a commitment to someone, and you keep that faith.

This isn't to say that you should stick with it through "anything and everything." Plenty of relationships don't work out. But keeping good faith means that you don't throw it all away just because your feelings waver.

I would much prefer to have a partner who "falls" for someone else but sticks with me and refuses to act on those feelings because she has faith that in the long run we are meant for one another... I much prefer this to someone who can't keep her hands off of anyone she happens to find attractive.
That is a very good point and by far the best defence of that position I've heard, but I disagree. I think that commitment to love is more important, to me anyway, than exclusiveness physically. I'd rather have both I have to admit, and its possible that even if it was situation B I wouldn't be able to deal with it, but I think I'd prefer that over the deceit of situation A.

I am a psychopath, devoid of human emotion. I wouldn't be very upset in either case.
Actually, only sociopaths are devoid of human emotion, in a sense anyway. They feel bloodlust and wrath. Those are sort of emotions.

Psychopath's emotions are there but askew.

That is a very good point and by far the best defence of that position I've heard, but I disagree. I think that commitment to love is more important, to me anyway, than exclusiveness physically. I'd rather have both I have to admit, and its possible that even if it was situation B I wouldn't be able to deal with it, but I think I'd prefer that over the deceit of situation A.

But don't you see that the person in situation A really does love you... and clearly more than the person he or she has suddenly "fallen" for?

Your partner finds that some distance has come between you... or whatever. He or she meets someone that stirs the passions, so to speak... but he or she also realizes that whatever those feelings are, they aren't enough to pull her or him away from you. He or she may never tell you... but that, also, because he or she really loves you, and has faith that all will work out between you.

Your partner loves you so much, in fact... that he or she will forego love to be with you. I do not think it is at all inconsistent to say that he or she loves you more than love itself.

Of course, I can't tell you how to feel... but I think it's important that people try to understand this idea, because so many relationships fail only because we expect our partners to be the sort of perfect people that do not exist. Only a perfect mate never has second thoughts, doubts, or feelings for other people. But a faithful mate doesn't act on them... and I don't think you can ask for more.

But don't you see that the person in situation A really does love you... and clearly more than the person he or she has suddenly "fallen" for?

Your partner finds that some distance has come between you... or whatever. He or she meets someone that stirs the passions, so to speak... but he or she also realizes that whatever those feelings are, they aren't enough to pull her or him away from you. He or she may never tell you... but that, also, because he or she really loves you, and has faith that all will work out between you.

Your partner loves you so much, in fact... that he or she will forego love to be with you. I do not think it is at all inconsistent to say that he or she loves you more than love itself.

Of course, I can't tell you how to feel... but I think it's important that people try to understand this idea, because so many relationships fail only because we expect our partners to be the sort of perfect people that do not exist. Only a perfect mate never has second thoughts, doubts, or feelings for other people. But a faithful mate doesn't act on them... and I don't think you can ask for more.


I concur that person A is being more honorable by being faithful. I guess it all depends on which prespective you have.

I'd pick B, because if hes screwing someone he doesn't love then when he screws me there is a chance he doesn't love me just like the other ones.

And just in case anyone was wondering, the reason I post this question, is because I was in a situation like that.

Which would be more heartbreaking:

A. To have a lover that falls in love with someone else but never does anything about it (i.e. stays loyal to you in spite of being in love with someone else and never tells their 'someone else' that they have any feelings for them.)

Or...

B. To have a lover that has sex with other people but doesn't fall in love with the other people they are having sex with (or so they claim).


If it were...

A.I would get a divorce.

B.I would blow her head off.

Either way, the relationship would end, so they'd both be equally bad in my opinion.

bump!

THis brings up a question that my wife and I have discussed in bed at night:

(P.S. If she finds out I'm sharing this with other people, she will most likely pistolwhip me.)

If you and your wife discuss and agree that extramarital sex is not cheating if a spouse knows what you are going to do and who you do it with, is it still adultery?

bump!

That's all you have to say fer yourself? :eek:

THis brings up a question that my wife and I have discussed in bed at night:

(P.S. If she finds out I'm sharing this with other people, she will most likely pistolwhip me.)

If you and your wife discuss and agree that extramarital sex is not cheating if a spouse knows what you are going to do and who you do it with, is it still adultery?

I say no.

THis brings up a question that my wife and I have discussed in bed at night:

(P.S. If she finds out I'm sharing this with other people, she will most likely pistolwhip me.)

If you and your wife discuss and agree that extramarital sex is not cheating if a spouse knows what you are going to do and who you do it with, is it still adultery?
yes

and if you REALLY dont want to get pistol whipped, dont take her up on her permission to fool around. she doesnt mean it. when it comes to reality, youre a dead man.

I think B is worse.

You people don't seem to understand what faith is.

This will sound especially odd coming from me, an atheist... but faith is a lot bigger than religion.

So many people seem to think that "A" is worse -- having a lover who has doubts, or desires someone else, but remains faithful to you anyway. Worse than having someone who cheats on you... and apparently it doesn't take much, since he or she doesn't even feel anything for those with whom he/she cheats?

People's feelings waver or change all the time. The essence of a truly loving relationship, however, is faithfulness -- which means that even when your feelings aren't completely in it, you stick with it out of good faith. You have made a commitment to someone, and you keep that faith.

This isn't to say that you should stick with it through "anything and everything." Plenty of relationships don't work out. But keeping good faith means that you don't throw it all away just because your feelings waver.

I would much prefer to have a partner who "falls" for someone else but sticks with me and refuses to act on those feelings because she has faith that in the long run we are meant for one another... I much prefer this to someone who can't keep her hands off of anyone she happens to find attractive.
very well said, AnarchyeL

in any long term relationship, ones that last for many years, there are good times and bad times.

everyone develops interests in other people. even if its only having a crush on hillary duff. we are human after all

that faithfulness is precious. to know that no matter what your spouse will not throw away years of marriage just because the new secretary is cute.


HOWEVER, if one is NOT married both situations mean that its time to cut the lover loose and find someone more suitable to a long term relationship. get some self respect and find a beloved who will give you the love and respect you deserve. there is NO reason to keep on in a wavering uncommitted relationship.