Hajekistan
04-09-2004, 07:06
*Georgie Porgy is planning to summon Cthulhu. And he is teh terrorist! And he is killing all teh people! And he is evil! And I have no life! And it's George Bush's fault I can't get beer!
AMY BADMITTON: George Bush is proving the fact that he is SATAN by trying to bring the Great Old Ones to this world! I don't need to say more, but I love hearing myself talk. So, Bush's great evil is proved by the fact that, yesterday, a protester (named Emma), protesting the treatment recieved by protesters who were protesting the conditions of protesters, had his throat ripped out by Dick Cheney! Isn't that right Juan?
JUAN GONZONGAS: Yes, sir. Would you like some nachos with your Number 12 Burrito Combo?
Wait, what? I'm on air?
SHIT!
Er, yesterday morning I recieved a phone call from Pier 1 where the virgin sacrifices were being held in order to lure the Bush families patron, Cthulhu, back to the world of the living. The Black Goat is also coming to consume our souls!
No, sir, I am not on drugs. I am on Democracy Now.
Democracy Now? Don't you listen to the radio, other than the evil biased conservative media?
Fine then, take your damn burritoes. I hope Montezuma avenges the Mexican Indians upon your worthless imperialist ass!
AMANDA: Hello, I am Hillar- I mean Amanda. I was arrested yesterday when I was just running through the streets of New York setting fire to trashcans. Another man was arrested just walking down the streets and was arrested for peeing on an officers shoes. We've been here for a whole day, and the only food we've gotten wasn't properly cooked. My muffin was overcooked for a whole 5 minutes!
VOICE YELLING IN BACKGROUND, THAT IN NO WAY SOUNDS LIKE AMANDA STANDING BACK FROM THE PHONE AND YELLING INTO HER SLEEVE: I need beer!
ALVIN THE CHIPMUNK: My name is Alvin and I was sent to investigate human rights abuses. OH DEAR GOD! Send help, please! They're talking about having us all fed to the Black Goat of the Woods with a Thousand Young. I think this place they're holding us in is some kind of warehouse. The smell of some of the incense candles is making us sneeze. And the furniture, oh the clashing, the clashing. We've been given some sandwiches and beer, but when I drank the beer IT WAS WATERED DOWN! OH, THE HUMANITY! We're all just penned in here, like cattle. And no one is telling me whats going on, OH GOD, OH DEAR GOD, ITS ALL BURNING.
MIKIE: Hello, I used to be in ads for Life Cereal, now I just wander into half-baked radio shows and talk. Alvin, have you been able to tell the rest of the Chipmunks of your plight?
ALVIN: No, no one will let me call. I tried to get in contact with Simon and Dave and, um, whatever that fat one's name is. They wouldn't let me, though. They said I was just calling phone sex lines. That is unfair, I was only on that line for about 30-45 minutes. I did get ahold of a cell phone though, and I thought "Hey, instead of calling home, why don't I just call a sensationalist radio show and provide them with some more horror stories?"
VEEPA MAJAJAJAMUTERILIO: Hi. My name is Veepa Majama- Mamajama- Hamboy- Er, whatever the hell my name is. I also smuggled a cell phone in and am making a secretive call. Basically, I was a stand-by. All I was doing was trying to run past a line of police officers trying to keep us off of the grass. Then I was arrested. And they were mean. Did I mention I was arrested? Did I mention they were mean? Did I mention I was arrested? Well I was. They said I was a "moron" when I requested strawberry icecream. It stinks here, and there's dirt on the floor. The air conditioner is at least 5 degrees to low. I could go on and on and on and on and-
MIKIE: Shuttup, it's my turn to talk! What is it like where you are? Are there any signs of human sacrifice or the Great Old Ones?
VEEPA WHATEVER-THE-HELL-HIS-LAST-NAME-IS: What does it look like?
MIKIE: That would appear to be the question I asked.
VEEPA NAME-NO-ONE-CAN-PRONOUNCE: We are trapped here like sardines. Its dirty here and some people need first aid, but no one will tell us what to do-
VOICE OF OFFICER IN BACKGROUND: JUST APPLY A DAMN BANDAGE YOU MORON!
VOICE OF PROTESTER: WE WILL NOT FOLLOW YOUR FACIST LAWS, YOU PIG!
VEEPA WHO-HAS-A-LONG-LAST-NAME: Its so dirty here, and they won't give us plastic bags. Just because some idiot ran around the room with one covering his head. Also, I think I was one of the guards carrying a copy of the Necronomicon.
JANE (AND WE PROMISE THIS IS THE LAST PROTESTER): My name is Jane, and I too smuggled a cell phone into captivity. I was also just walking by and throwing rocks at police when I was arrested. I was arrested for what I saw! I saw Dick Cheney use his teeth to rip out the throat of one protester. He then howled to the moon and dedicated his kill to Yog-Sothoth the Opener of the Way. I think I saw some Deep Ones out in the harbour.
THE WORLD IS ENDING! GEORGE BUSH WILL KILL US ALL!
AAIIIEEE!!
AMY BADMITTON: About a thousand cell phones smuggled into jail by protesters who weren't really protesting. Voices of protesters detinained inside a Pier 1. New York City mayor Michael Bloomberg haas denied what some are calling Hell on The Hudson (some meaning me), defended the use saying, quote, "ph'nglui mglw'nafh Cthulhu R'lyeh wgah'nagl fhtagn"
[complete lies]
AMY BADMITTON: George Bush is proving the fact that he is SATAN by trying to bring the Great Old Ones to this world! I don't need to say more, but I love hearing myself talk. So, Bush's great evil is proved by the fact that, yesterday, a protester (named Emma), protesting the treatment recieved by protesters who were protesting the conditions of protesters, had his throat ripped out by Dick Cheney! Isn't that right Juan?
JUAN GONZONGAS: Yes, sir. Would you like some nachos with your Number 12 Burrito Combo?
Wait, what? I'm on air?
SHIT!
Er, yesterday morning I recieved a phone call from Pier 1 where the virgin sacrifices were being held in order to lure the Bush families patron, Cthulhu, back to the world of the living. The Black Goat is also coming to consume our souls!
No, sir, I am not on drugs. I am on Democracy Now.
Democracy Now? Don't you listen to the radio, other than the evil biased conservative media?
Fine then, take your damn burritoes. I hope Montezuma avenges the Mexican Indians upon your worthless imperialist ass!
AMANDA: Hello, I am Hillar- I mean Amanda. I was arrested yesterday when I was just running through the streets of New York setting fire to trashcans. Another man was arrested just walking down the streets and was arrested for peeing on an officers shoes. We've been here for a whole day, and the only food we've gotten wasn't properly cooked. My muffin was overcooked for a whole 5 minutes!
VOICE YELLING IN BACKGROUND, THAT IN NO WAY SOUNDS LIKE AMANDA STANDING BACK FROM THE PHONE AND YELLING INTO HER SLEEVE: I need beer!
ALVIN THE CHIPMUNK: My name is Alvin and I was sent to investigate human rights abuses. OH DEAR GOD! Send help, please! They're talking about having us all fed to the Black Goat of the Woods with a Thousand Young. I think this place they're holding us in is some kind of warehouse. The smell of some of the incense candles is making us sneeze. And the furniture, oh the clashing, the clashing. We've been given some sandwiches and beer, but when I drank the beer IT WAS WATERED DOWN! OH, THE HUMANITY! We're all just penned in here, like cattle. And no one is telling me whats going on, OH GOD, OH DEAR GOD, ITS ALL BURNING.
MIKIE: Hello, I used to be in ads for Life Cereal, now I just wander into half-baked radio shows and talk. Alvin, have you been able to tell the rest of the Chipmunks of your plight?
ALVIN: No, no one will let me call. I tried to get in contact with Simon and Dave and, um, whatever that fat one's name is. They wouldn't let me, though. They said I was just calling phone sex lines. That is unfair, I was only on that line for about 30-45 minutes. I did get ahold of a cell phone though, and I thought "Hey, instead of calling home, why don't I just call a sensationalist radio show and provide them with some more horror stories?"
VEEPA MAJAJAJAMUTERILIO: Hi. My name is Veepa Majama- Mamajama- Hamboy- Er, whatever the hell my name is. I also smuggled a cell phone in and am making a secretive call. Basically, I was a stand-by. All I was doing was trying to run past a line of police officers trying to keep us off of the grass. Then I was arrested. And they were mean. Did I mention I was arrested? Did I mention they were mean? Did I mention I was arrested? Well I was. They said I was a "moron" when I requested strawberry icecream. It stinks here, and there's dirt on the floor. The air conditioner is at least 5 degrees to low. I could go on and on and on and on and-
MIKIE: Shuttup, it's my turn to talk! What is it like where you are? Are there any signs of human sacrifice or the Great Old Ones?
VEEPA WHATEVER-THE-HELL-HIS-LAST-NAME-IS: What does it look like?
MIKIE: That would appear to be the question I asked.
VEEPA NAME-NO-ONE-CAN-PRONOUNCE: We are trapped here like sardines. Its dirty here and some people need first aid, but no one will tell us what to do-
VOICE OF OFFICER IN BACKGROUND: JUST APPLY A DAMN BANDAGE YOU MORON!
VOICE OF PROTESTER: WE WILL NOT FOLLOW YOUR FACIST LAWS, YOU PIG!
VEEPA WHO-HAS-A-LONG-LAST-NAME: Its so dirty here, and they won't give us plastic bags. Just because some idiot ran around the room with one covering his head. Also, I think I was one of the guards carrying a copy of the Necronomicon.
JANE (AND WE PROMISE THIS IS THE LAST PROTESTER): My name is Jane, and I too smuggled a cell phone into captivity. I was also just walking by and throwing rocks at police when I was arrested. I was arrested for what I saw! I saw Dick Cheney use his teeth to rip out the throat of one protester. He then howled to the moon and dedicated his kill to Yog-Sothoth the Opener of the Way. I think I saw some Deep Ones out in the harbour.
THE WORLD IS ENDING! GEORGE BUSH WILL KILL US ALL!
AAIIIEEE!!
AMY BADMITTON: About a thousand cell phones smuggled into jail by protesters who weren't really protesting. Voices of protesters detinained inside a Pier 1. New York City mayor Michael Bloomberg haas denied what some are calling Hell on The Hudson (some meaning me), defended the use saying, quote, "ph'nglui mglw'nafh Cthulhu R'lyeh wgah'nagl fhtagn"
[complete lies]