NationStates Jolt Archive

What are some of your favorite quotes by comedians?

Here are some of mine:
"There are so many animal rights activists in L.A. you can't swing a dead cat without hitting one of them."

"They were yelling advice back at me like, "Try to stand up!" Oh! Is that the idea? I thought I was supposed to be dragged through the water WITH MY MOUTH OPEN!"

"My son was the one that ended up finding them, he yelled, 'Daddy, I found the little girls narrow pad DADDY!' Why thank you son, why don't you yell it a bit louder, I don't think they heard you in SCOTLAND!"

"I wish that I had a cheat code for women. That way, any time I don't understand them I can just go X, Circle, Triangle, R1!"

I bet no one could even guess who any of these comedians are.

"My son was the one that ended up finding them, he yelled, 'Daddy, I found the little girls narrow pad DADDY!' Why thank you son, why don't you yell it a bit louder, I don't think they heard you in SCOTLAND!"

I bet no one could even guess who any of these comedians are.

Bill Engvall?

Women don't want to hear what we have to say. They want to hear what they have to say, in a deeper voice.
--Bill Cosby

I would say something to you, but I can't think of anything you haven't already paid a Bangkok bathhouse worker to whisper in your ear.
--Triumph the Insult Comic Dog

Plumber's Helper? *pause, reading* What you need after you eat Hamburger Helper.
--The Magnificent Carnac (Johnny Carson)

Bill Engvall?

That would be one of them.

"They call me... tater salad."
-John White

"They call me... tater salad."
-John White

I love that one! But I think it is Ron White not John White.

You're right. I don't know who they were said by (except the one already revealed), but they're damn funny.

"A lot of Christians wear crosses around their necks. Do you think that when Jesus comes back he ever wants to see a fuckin' cross? It's kinda like goin' up to Jackie Onassis with a rifle pendant on."

People say "Iraq had the fourth largest army in the world". Yeah, maybe, but you know what, after the first 3 largest armies, there's a REAL big fucking drop-off. The Hare Krishnas are the 5th largest army in the world, and they've already got all our airports.

"I love talking about the Kennedy assasination. The reason I do is because I'm fascinated by it. I'm fascinated that our government could lie to us so blatantly, so obviously for so long, and we do absolutely nothing about it. I think that's interesting in what is ostensibly a democracy. Sarcasm - come on in. People say " quit talking about Kennedy man. It was a long time ago, just let it go, alright? It's a long time ago, just forget it." I'm like, alright, then don't bring up Jesus to me. As long as we're talking shelf life here"

"I love the Pope, I love seeing him in his Pope-Mobile, his three feet of bullet proof plexi-glass. That's faith in action folks! You know he's got God on his side"

All by the same guy. And it's pretty obvious who, damnit!

"Oh my me! I left pot everywhere!"

"Germany was VERY good at constructing an empire. Very organized, very prussian. Empire empire, build an empire, empire...celebrate with a world war! ...And lose the whole fucking empire."

Eddie Izzard > you :p

Empire empire, build an empire

Ein, Zwei, build an empire!

You're right. I don't know who they were said by (except the one already revealed), but they're damn funny.

"A lot of Christians wear crosses around their necks. Do you think that when Jesus comes back he ever wants to see a fuckin' cross? It's kinda like goin' up to Jackie Onassis with a rifle pendant on."

People say "Iraq had the fourth largest army in the world". Yeah, maybe, but you know what, after the first 3 largest armies, there's a REAL big fucking drop-off. The Hare Krishnas are the 5th largest army in the world, and they've already got all our airports.

"I love talking about the Kennedy assasination. The reason I do is because I'm fascinated by it. I'm fascinated that our government could lie to us so blatantly, so obviously for so long, and we do absolutely nothing about it. I think that's interesting in what is ostensibly a democracy. Sarcasm - come on in. People say " quit talking about Kennedy man. It was a long time ago, just let it go, alright? It's a long time ago, just forget it." I'm like, alright, then don't bring up Jesus to me. As long as we're talking shelf life here"

"I love the Pope, I love seeing him in his Pope-Mobile, his three feet of bullet proof plexi-glass. That's faith in action folks! You know he's got God on his side"

All by the same guy. And it's pretty obvious who, damnit!
Bill Hicks,damnit!-The man,the legend!