Hajekistan
26-08-2004, 02:00
Are you tired of popular revolts keeping you from your dreams of world domination?
Are you pained to hear peeople accusing you of being "Bloodthirsty," "Deranged," "Warmonger," "Psychotic," "Evil," "The Anti-Christ" or "German"?
Have you ever just wished that people wouldn't judge you based on the fact that you are a dangerous madman with an axe and no compunctions about sheep, when, in fact, you can be a downright cuddly madman with an axe and no compunctions about sheep?
Then you need to get off of that throne of skulls and call 1-800-545-5968!
At EOPR (Evil Overlord Public Relations) inc we believe in supplying the misunderstood vile tyrant in all of us with the excuses he needs to go on for another few years.
We offer a 6-month course that will teach you all you need to know about PR, for one thing, children are a great oppurtunity to make people love you for who you are. For instance, here are two conquerors, No. 1 is your typical Overlord:
OVERLORD 1: Yes, another village burned! And that brings our total up to four!
SMALL CHILD NAMED BILLY: Mr. Overlord why are you burning our village down?
OVERLORD 1: DIE ENGLISH SCUM!! THIS IS FOR FEEDING RONEY SHEEP INNARDS!
BILLY: AAAIIIEEE!
Poor Overlord 1, it can take weeks to get blood out of your chainmail, and it probably wasn't fun for the kid to get evicerated either. Now, lets try that again, after our patented 6-month process:
OVERLORD 2: Yes, another village burned! That brings our total up to four! FREE RAPES ON THE HOUSE, GUYS!
SMALL CHILD WHO IS RATHER CONVENIENTLY ALSO NAMED BILLY: Mr. Overlord why are you burning our village down?
OVERLORD 2: Well, you see Billy, the current job market has been on a down turn for the past three months. By burning down this village, we are creating jobs in the currently weak hovel construction market.
BILLY: Thank you Mr Overlord!
OVERLORD 2: And thank you Evil Overlord Public Relations!
Of course, thats not all that EOPR is about! We also have courses in the following:
Warcries: We offer many important does and don'ts for the up and coming conqueror. Brief warcries, like "MAKE 'EM HURT!", inspire ferocity in your men, however "MAKE THEM FEEL THE PAIN OF A THOUSAND PAINFUL THINGS HAPPENING IN A PAINFUL MANNER!" is long and confusing.
Uniform: It is important to be new and original, but sometimes old standbys like black work better. Black also has that slimming effect, and matches the blood of a thousand innocent victoms much better. Purple, however, is right out, unless you want to be known as that kind of warlord.
Home Decorating: Skulls and blood stains are so last millenia! New warlords know that, for the truly horrifying effect, copies of Gigli, Druids, and Ishtar are sure things.
Titles: Titles, aside from big weapons and big armies, the most important thing to any aspiring godking are titles. Once again, brevity is important, as "Conqueror of All" is more potent than "The Ultimate Great and All-Round Dangerous Guy Who Has Laid Waste to More Places Then You Can Count On One Hand." Further, don't go over your audiences head, "Destroyer of Innocence and Joy" works better then "Obliterator of Progeny and Regalement," it is always embarrasing when your horde has to go for their pocket dictionaries in the middle of shouting their adoration.
And many more: Such as Proper Application of Force (Answer: Everywhere), Proper Use of Euphamisms (Pentagonese), Souveniers (How too make and sell "I Survived the Sacking of My Village" shirts) the list just goes on.
And thats not all!
Attenders of our seminar will recieve a complimentary "World's Number 1 Conqueror" mug, a Diploma to prove their completion of the EOPR program, and the severed head of one of their enemies!
So get up and call 1-800-545-5968 now for our special low starting price of: YOUR SOUL! Although, we do except Visa and Mastercard.
And its time for the tiny announcer:
EOPR, inc is brought to you by Hajekistani Joke Industries and is not legally responsible for anything you, your dog, your wife, or your neighbor do, nor is it responsible for anything your neighbor, dog, and wife do together. 1-800-545-5968 isn't really a phone number, but, if you haven't guessed already, you're probably to stupid to use the phone anyway.
If you can read this, you don't need glasses.
Are you pained to hear peeople accusing you of being "Bloodthirsty," "Deranged," "Warmonger," "Psychotic," "Evil," "The Anti-Christ" or "German"?
Have you ever just wished that people wouldn't judge you based on the fact that you are a dangerous madman with an axe and no compunctions about sheep, when, in fact, you can be a downright cuddly madman with an axe and no compunctions about sheep?
Then you need to get off of that throne of skulls and call 1-800-545-5968!
At EOPR (Evil Overlord Public Relations) inc we believe in supplying the misunderstood vile tyrant in all of us with the excuses he needs to go on for another few years.
We offer a 6-month course that will teach you all you need to know about PR, for one thing, children are a great oppurtunity to make people love you for who you are. For instance, here are two conquerors, No. 1 is your typical Overlord:
OVERLORD 1: Yes, another village burned! And that brings our total up to four!
SMALL CHILD NAMED BILLY: Mr. Overlord why are you burning our village down?
OVERLORD 1: DIE ENGLISH SCUM!! THIS IS FOR FEEDING RONEY SHEEP INNARDS!
BILLY: AAAIIIEEE!
Poor Overlord 1, it can take weeks to get blood out of your chainmail, and it probably wasn't fun for the kid to get evicerated either. Now, lets try that again, after our patented 6-month process:
OVERLORD 2: Yes, another village burned! That brings our total up to four! FREE RAPES ON THE HOUSE, GUYS!
SMALL CHILD WHO IS RATHER CONVENIENTLY ALSO NAMED BILLY: Mr. Overlord why are you burning our village down?
OVERLORD 2: Well, you see Billy, the current job market has been on a down turn for the past three months. By burning down this village, we are creating jobs in the currently weak hovel construction market.
BILLY: Thank you Mr Overlord!
OVERLORD 2: And thank you Evil Overlord Public Relations!
Of course, thats not all that EOPR is about! We also have courses in the following:
Warcries: We offer many important does and don'ts for the up and coming conqueror. Brief warcries, like "MAKE 'EM HURT!", inspire ferocity in your men, however "MAKE THEM FEEL THE PAIN OF A THOUSAND PAINFUL THINGS HAPPENING IN A PAINFUL MANNER!" is long and confusing.
Uniform: It is important to be new and original, but sometimes old standbys like black work better. Black also has that slimming effect, and matches the blood of a thousand innocent victoms much better. Purple, however, is right out, unless you want to be known as that kind of warlord.
Home Decorating: Skulls and blood stains are so last millenia! New warlords know that, for the truly horrifying effect, copies of Gigli, Druids, and Ishtar are sure things.
Titles: Titles, aside from big weapons and big armies, the most important thing to any aspiring godking are titles. Once again, brevity is important, as "Conqueror of All" is more potent than "The Ultimate Great and All-Round Dangerous Guy Who Has Laid Waste to More Places Then You Can Count On One Hand." Further, don't go over your audiences head, "Destroyer of Innocence and Joy" works better then "Obliterator of Progeny and Regalement," it is always embarrasing when your horde has to go for their pocket dictionaries in the middle of shouting their adoration.
And many more: Such as Proper Application of Force (Answer: Everywhere), Proper Use of Euphamisms (Pentagonese), Souveniers (How too make and sell "I Survived the Sacking of My Village" shirts) the list just goes on.
And thats not all!
Attenders of our seminar will recieve a complimentary "World's Number 1 Conqueror" mug, a Diploma to prove their completion of the EOPR program, and the severed head of one of their enemies!
So get up and call 1-800-545-5968 now for our special low starting price of: YOUR SOUL! Although, we do except Visa and Mastercard.
And its time for the tiny announcer:
EOPR, inc is brought to you by Hajekistani Joke Industries and is not legally responsible for anything you, your dog, your wife, or your neighbor do, nor is it responsible for anything your neighbor, dog, and wife do together. 1-800-545-5968 isn't really a phone number, but, if you haven't guessed already, you're probably to stupid to use the phone anyway.
If you can read this, you don't need glasses.