NationStates Jolt Archive

HOW TO BECOME A REPUBLICAN (http://rawilson.com/jokes.shtml)

1) You have to believe that the nation's 8-year prosperity prior to W's administration was due to the work of Ronald Reagan and George H. Bush, but that today's growing deficit and rising gas prices are all Clinton's fault.

2) You have to believe that those privileged from birth achieve success all on their own.

3) You have to be against government programs, except Social Security checks on time.

4) You have to believe that government should stay out of people's lives, yet you want government to regulate your personal sexual and reproductive decisions.

5) You have to believe that pollution is ok, so long as it makes a profit.

6) You have to believe in prayer in schools, as long as you don't pray to Allah or Buddha.

7) You love Jesus and Jesus loves you and, by the way, Jesus shares your hatred of AIDS victims, homosexuals, and former President Clinton.

8) You have to believe that society is color-blind and growing up black in America doesn't diminish your opportunities, but you still won't vote for Alan Keyes.

9) You have to believe that it was wise to allow Ken Starr to spend $50 million dollars to attack Clinton because no other U.S. presidents or Republican men have ever been unfaithful to their wives.

10) You have to believe that a waiting period for purchasing a handgun is bad because quick access to a new firearm is an important concern for all Americans.

11) You have to believe it is wise to keep condoms out of schools, because we all know if teenagers don't have condoms they won't have sex.

12) You have to believe that the ACLU is bad because they defend the Constitution, while the NRA is good because they defend the Constitution.

13) You have to believe the AIDS virus is not important enough to deserve federal funding proportionate to the resulting death rate and that the public doesn't need to be educated about it, because if we just ignore it, it will go away.

14) You have to believe that biology teachers are corrupting the morals of 6th graders if they teach them the basics of human sexuality, but the Bible, which is full of sex and violence, is good reading and right on the mark.

15) You have to believe that Chinese communist missiles have killed more Americans than handguns, alcohol, and tobacco.

16) You have to believe that even though governments have supported the arts for 5000 years and that most of the great works of Renaissance art were paid for by governments, our government should shun any such support. After all, the rich can afford to buy their own art and the poor don't need any.

17) You have to believe that the lumber from the last one percent of old growth U.S. forests is well worth the destruction of those forests and the extinction of the several species of plants and animals therein.

18) You have to believe that we should forgive and pray for Newt Gingrich, Henry Hyde, and Bob Livingston for their marital infidelities, but that bastard Clinton should have been impeached.

19) You have to believe that George W. Bush really won the last election.

10 Most Famous Uses of [shudder] the dreaded "F word"

10. "What the fuck was that?" - Mayor Of Hiroshima, 1945
9. "Look at all them fucking Indians!" - Custer, 1877
8. "Any fucking idiot could understand that." - Einstein, 1938
7. "It does so fucking look like her!" - Picasso, 1926
6. "How the fuck did you work that out?" - Pythagorus, 126 BC
5. "You want WHAT on the fucking ceiling?" - Michelangelo, 1566
4. "Where the fuck are we?" - Amelia Earhart, 1937
3. "Scattered fucking showers....My ass!" - Noah, 4314 BC
2. "Aw c'mon. Who the fuck's going to find out?" - Bill Clinton,1999
And number 1 . . . drum roll.........................
1. "Geez, I didn't think they'd get this fucking mad." - Saddam Hussein, March 19, 2003

PRECIOUS

Two southern belles are sitting on the veranda, drinking their iced tea. One turns to the other and says, "Honey how was your vacation? Where did you go again?"

The other belle says, "Hon, it was wonderful. I went to San Francisco and hon you wouldn't believe what they do there."

"Well tell all!" the other exclaims. "Well, hon, they have men that lick other men's privates."

"Oh my," said the other belle. "Yes, dear, they call them homosexuals." "Oh my," said the other.

"Oh hon that's nothing. They have men there that lick women's privates too." "Oh my! And what do you call them?" asked the other.

"Well, they call them hetrosexuals."

"Oh my," said the other.

"Oh, but hon that's nothing. They have women that lick other women's privates." "Oh my goodness dear, and what do you call them?" said the other belle.

"I don't know what you call them, honey, but I called her precious."

BUMPER STICKERS OF THE YEAR

Bush/Cheney '04: Four More Wars!

Bush/Cheney '04: Assimilate. Resistance is Futile.

Bush/Cheney '04: Because the truth just isn't good enough.

Bush/Cheney '04: Leave no billionaire behind

Bush/Cheney '04: The last vote you'll ever have to cast.

Who would Jesus Bomb?

AMBER ALERT

U.S. Attorney General John Ashcroft was visiting an elementary school. After speaking for 15 minutes, he said, "I will now answer any questions you have."

Bobby stood up and said: "I have four questions:


1. How did Bush win the election with fewer votes than Gore?
2. Why haven't you caught Osama bin Laden?

3. Why are you using the American Patriot Act to destroy civil liberties?

4. Where are the weapons of mass destruction in Iraq?"

Just then the bell went off and the kids were sent out to play. Upon returning, Mr. Ashcroft said: "I am sorry we were interrupted. I will now answer any questions you have."

A little girl named Julie stood up and said: "I have six questions:


1. How did Bush win the election with fewer votes than Gore?
2. Why haven't you caught Osama bin Laden?

3. Why are you using the American Patriot Act to destroy civil liberties?

4. Where are the weapons of mass destruction in Iraq?

5. Why did the bell ring 20 minutes early?

6. Where is Bobby?"

SHE'LL BE COMING 'ROUND THE MOUNTAIN

Dozens of women are suffering from a condition that makes them have hundreds of orgasms every day.

Researchers have identified the condition as persistent sexual arousal syndrome.

American sufferer Jean Lund, 51, told The Sun that when she told her gynaecologist he said: "You're every man's dream."

Office manager Jean said: "I looked at him in the face and said: 'How would you like to walk around on the verge of an orgasm every second?' And he shut up."

Ten victims of the rare condition have been documented by Boston University's Institute of Sexual Medicine.

http://www.ananova.com/news/story/sm_839283.html

BENEFITS OF FAITH-BASED ORGANIZATIONS
Nigeria's anti-bullet test

A traditional healer in Nigeria has died after an anti-bullet charm he prepared failed a potency test.

The healer, Ashi Terfa, was allegedly shot dead by a client in Benue state, during trials for his product.

The herbalist reportedly tied the charm round his neck and asked his client to shoot him to test its efficacy.

http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/world/africa/3328519.stm

LONELINESS....

A lonely 22-year-old man from Palm Beach was arrested for calling 911 over 900 times since May, taxing dispatchers and police. Howard V. Hill Jr. would call and claim that an officer had been shot, indicated that he wanted to shoot an officer with a bow and arrow or just made animal noises into the phone. When questioned about the calls, Hill told police that the culprit was his friend "Jimmy" and he would make sure the calls would stop. However, the calls kept on coming, and Hill later admitted that "Jimmy" was his pet bird.

from:- Bizarre Bazaar Daily Date: Sat, 19 Jul 2003

ok I'm done... lol - hope you enjoy the jokes :)

How to become a Republican

20) You must believe every matter can be fixed by privatising the problem, unless it involves personal decisions, then it's the federal governments job.

BUMPER STICKERS OF THE YEAR
Bush/Cheney '04: Leave no billionaire behind

So it looks sKerry and Heinz won't be left behind. Why are most of these post in this stupid thread posted by the same person who started the thread?

So it looks sKerry and Heinz won't be left behind. Why are most of these post in this stupid thread posted by the same person who started the thread?


awww someone is hurt that their political party ahs been trash-talked. And they say Dems are thin-skinned. lol

Check it out genius, if you look you will see that they are all jokes.

So it looks sKerry and Heinz won't be left behind. Why are most of these post in this stupid thread posted by the same person who started the thread?

Because, unlike conservatives, liberals like to share?

Because, unlike conservatives, liberals like to share?


hehe, well Conservatives like to share their faith-based organizations.

hehe, well Conservatives like to share their faith-based organizations.

hehe, true, though I don't consider someone cramming something down my throat to be sharing.

hehe, true, though I don't consider someone cramming something down my throat to be sharing.
I'd think that by now you'd be ussed to people cramming things down your throat, Gymoor.

awww someone is hurt that their political party ahs been trash-talked.

Nice try, I'm not a Republican. It seems to me that the reason you are posting in your own thread so much is an attempt to keep a dead thread alive. How sad. Just let it die in disgrace.

I'd think that by now you'd be ussed to people cramming things down your throat, Gymoor.

Hey, far be it from me to try to regulate your private fantasies, but if you're going to use me as a mental image, please donate $5.

Nice try, I'm not a Republican. It seems to me that the reason you are posting in your own thread so much is an attempt to keep a dead thread alive. How sad. Just let it die in disgrace.

oh well good for you then :), and obviously I am not the only one posting in my own thread, plus if you look at the times all my jokes were posting one right after the other. Got any anything else to contribute you sexy little mink? :fluffle:

TAGzorz

Nice try, I'm not a Republican. It seems to me that the reason you are posting in your own thread so much is an attempt to keep a dead thread alive. How sad. Just let it die in disgrace.
Oh yes, brilliant. ALL OF HIS POSTS AT THE BEGINNING WERE MADE WITHIN HALF AN HOUR OF EACH OTHER! Are you sure you aren't a republican? You ignore the facts in the right way...

Oh yes, brilliant. ALL OF HIS POSTS AT THE BEGINNING WERE MADE WITHIN HALF AN HOUR OF EACH OTHER! Are you sure you aren't a republican? You ignore the facts in the right way...


lol thanks for the defense :)

I don't need it though because luciferus sticks her foot in her own mouth.

oh well good for you then :), and obviously I am not the only one posting in my own thread, plus if you look at the times all my jokes were posting one right after the other. Got any anything else to contribute you sexy little mink? :fluffle:

Had I not posted again this piece of crap would flushed straight down the toilet. You should thank me for keeping it alive and thus relieved you from your duty of contintuing a conversation with yourself.

Oh yes, brilliant. ALL OF HIS POSTS AT THE BEGINNING WERE MADE WITHIN HALF AN HOUR OF EACH OTHER! Are you sure you aren't a republican? You ignore the facts in the right way...

At at the time he was still practically the only one posting! Frankly, he should thank me for saving it. Are you sure you aren't an idiot?

Had I not posted again this piece of crap would flushed straight down the toilet. You should thank me for keeping it alive and thus relieved you from contintuing a conversation with yourself.

So hostile!

You might wanna get that bad case of verbal diarreah checked out. If you aren't a Republican, why were your feelings hurt so bad by this thread that you had to be on the attack? :) lol

Don't worry, we still love you even if you can't love yoruself.

At at the time he was still practically the only one posting! Frankly, he should thank me for saving it. Are you sure you aren't an idiot?
Well NOW the thread is coming alive, ain't it? Don't insult other people becuase you don't have a sense of humor.

So hostile!

You might wanna get that bad case of verbal diarreah checked out. If you aren't a Republican, why were your feelings hurt so bad by this thread that you had to be on the attack? :) lol

So pointing out the obvious facts that Kerry and Bush are both rich and that this thread sucks because you were carrying on a conversation with your self somehow translates into having my "feelings hurt" and going on the "attack"?

I just don't understand why you can't be grateful that I saved your thread from impending death.

Another bumper sticker

Bush/Cheney '04! Why change horsemen mid-apocalypse?

Loved the jokes!

Does Luciferius realise this thread is barely 6 hours old?

Another bumper sticker

Bush/Cheney '04! Why change horsemen mid-apocalypse?

hah!


New Livingston it's been pointed out to him, but Luciferus has trouble reading sometimes. I can't tell whether it is stupidity or blindness but I don't blame him. I blame it on bad parenting.

I'm a republican and I agree with all that.

i love this thread and i hope y'all keep it going

I'll throw in my two cents. You make some excellent, well-thought out, and intelligent points. However, there are a few points where I slightly disagree.

HOW TO BECOME A REPUBLICAN (http://rawilson.com/jokes.shtml)

4) You have to believe that government should stay out of people's lives, yet you want government to regulate your personal sexual and reproductive decisions.

Not quite. Total Information Awareness, Patriot Act, or Department of Homeland Security, anyone?

11) You have to believe it is wise to keep condoms out of schools, because we all know if teenagers don't have condoms they won't have sex.

Wouldn't it seem that giving out condoms encourages sex?

12) You have to believe that the ACLU is bad because they defend the Constitution, while the NRA is good because they defend the Constitution.

The ACLU does not defend the constitution. They vehemently hate Christianity, yet tolerate almost every other religion, are adamantly anti-states' rights, and are staunch defenders of communists, criminals, sodomites, etc. They are one of the greatest threats to the constitution.

15) You have to believe that Chinese communist missiles have killed more Americans than handguns, alcohol, and tobacco.

Republicans are actually among China's staunchest supporters. It was Nixon, remember, who recognized Red China in 1972. It was the Republican Congress that refused to impeach Clinton over Chinagate. It was Republican Bush who said he believes in only "one China" (the Red one).

Hee hee hee! Let's get some more and then get this stickied!

BUMPER STICKERS OF THE YEAR

Bush/Cheney '04: Four More Wars!

Bush/Cheney '04: Assimilate. Resistance is Futile.

Bush/Cheney '04: Because the truth just isn't good enough.

Bush/Cheney '04: Leave no billionaire behind

Bush/Cheney '04: The last vote you'll ever have to cast.

Who would Jesus Bomb?
Don't Change Horsemen Mid-Apocalypse

Jesus Votes Republican

Nuke Dissent

The ACLU does not defend the constitution. They vehemently hate Christianity, yet tolerate almost every other religion, are adamantly anti-states' rights, and are staunch defenders of communists, criminals, sodomites, etc. They are one of the greatest threats to the constitution.
Yeah, the ACLU has been pretty lax when it came to removing all those extracts from the Koran that adorn the walls of courthouses nationwide, right? How do they uphold the separation of Church and State without appearing anti-Christian? Christians are the only people who try to influence the US Government.

It's not within states' rights to violate guaranteed civil liberties. Didn't you also call slavery in the 19th century an "issue for the states"? I think that the communists and homosexuals need defending from the constant hatred they receive from American society. There's nothing against them in the Constitution, which guarantees freedom of political thought and personal freedoms.

Yeah, the ACLU has been pretty lax when it came to removing all those extracts from the Koran that adorn the walls of courthouses nationwide, right? How do they uphold the separation of Church and State without appearing anti-Christian? Christians are the only people who try to influence the US Government.

It's not within states' rights to violate guaranteed civil liberties. Didn't you also call slavery in the 19th century an "issue for the states"? I think that the communists and homosexuals need defending from the constant hatred they receive from American society. There's nothing against them in the Constitution, which guarantees freedom of political thought and personal freedoms.

As always, Siljhouettes, you made your point intelligently, courteously, and without flaming. For that, you have my utmost respect.

In response to number one. Clinton used the economic policies that Reagan proposed in 1980.

Nice try, I'm not a Republican. It seems to me that the reason you are posting in your own thread so much is an attempt to keep a dead thread alive. How sad. Just let it die in disgrace.

Really?

His thread was excellant, it pointed out the hypocrisy of the Nazi... err I mean Republican party using wit and humour. Name one thread you have started that has recieved of 4 pages of replies.

Really?

His thread was excellant, it pointed out the hypocrisy of the Nazi... err I mean Republican party using wit and humour. Name one thread you have started that has recieved of 4 pages of replies.

Believe me, it was dead when I posted that, but since talking about me became one of the only reasons it survived, most of it's success is due to me. This would have stayed dead had I not posted again and saved it from dissolving. Oh well, let the leftist have their fun exposing their hatred for all things that aren't leftist. Have fun flaming me!

Believe me, it was dead when I posted that, but since talking about me became one of the only reasons it survived, most of it's success is due to me. This would have stayed dead had I not posted again and saved it from dissolving. Oh well, let the leftist have their fun exposing their hatred for all things that aren't leftist. Have fun flaming me!

If your so called 'love of free speech' exists. Why are you the one that flames anyone whose views do not tie in with that of a senile dictator monkey man, and the rest of his laughable administration?

Bush/Cheney 04: Because God told you so

Bush/Cheney 04: You hate Kerry, because we told you so.

Bush/Cheney 04: I don't flip flop on issues, I wear flip flops

It was Nixon, remember, who recognized Red China in 1972. It was the Republican Congress that refused to impeach Clinton over Chinagate. It was Republican Bush who said he believes in only "one China" (the Red one).

That was only to undermine Russia-China Relations. Specifically considering the situation in Vietnam.

How to become a Republican

20) You must believe every matter can be fixed by privatising the problem, unless it involves personal decisions, then it's the federal governments job.

vote libertarian

That was only to undermine Russia-China Relations. Specifically considering the situation in Vietnam.

Which was a smart move

More bumper stickers - Bush/Orwell 04

Bush/Christ 04
Drive an SUV, drive for Saddam
I'd rather be crushing imperialism



I enjoyed those jokes.

If your so called 'love of free speech' exists. Why are you the one that flames anyone whose views do not tie in with that of a senile dictator monkey man, and the rest of his laughable administration?

er...I'm pretty sure flaming is allowed under free speech...

Hey NWV, what part of Germany are you from? I am just curious...

Octoberfest coming up

er...I'm pretty sure flaming is allowed under free speech...

Hey NWV, what part of Germany are you from? I am just curious...

Octoberfest coming up

Not from Germany, sorry.

But I will probably be going to Oktoberfest with a few friends. You gotta love the Germans.

Not from Germany, sorry.

But I will probably be going to Oktoberfest with a few friends. You gotta love the Germans.

oh damn, I thought you were

Yeah, most of them are great folks - all of the exchange students I've met have been real good people. Plus, they know good beer. Have a good time

Actually guys, I think you just need to fill out some sort of form.

Actually guys, I think you just need to fill out some sort of form.And promise your soul to Lucifer. :D

Yeah put you do that every time you sign a package from FedEX, how else do you think they get overnight delivery, cause they most certainly are not in league with Santa.

And promise your soul to Lucifer. :D

Bah...I am not a republican, but I respect them more them democrats. At least they (in theory) have a sense of economics.

New Deal democrats and their handouts only make the problems worse

One time I was riding in the car, and I noticed that the car infront of me had a wierd arrangement of bumper stickers.



[Shit Happens!] [Bush/Cheney '04]


The guy was.....driving a pickup truck and had a really red neck.

Yeah put you do that every time you sign a package from FedEX, how else do you think they get overnight delivery, cause they most certainly are not in league with Santa.

sorry to go off on a different topic, but notice if you jumble the letters of Santa you spell satan. creepy huh.

But anyway, that's a funny list. I had a good chuckle at a few of those. Do they have a Democrat counter-part. of course that could just run the joke dry, so if you don't think it won't be funny, don't tell me, but if it is funny, please share. :) :) :) :) :)

One time I was riding in the car, and I noticed that the car infront of me had a wierd arrangement of bumper stickers.



[Shit Happens!] [Bush/Cheney '04]


The guy was.....driving a pickup truck and had a really red neck.

I hate pickups...what are they for? If you are not working on a farm, there is no good reason.

And SUVs in the city are just fancy minvans...admit it!

really they are! I hate SUV's they suck. They aren't practical. And it's always the people complaining about high gas prices that drive them.

really they are! I hate SUV's they suck. They aren't practical. And it's always the people complaining about high gas prices that drive them.

I love it - I hope gas prices go up until people start to live closer to the cities.

The suburbs are the source of all of the US's problems...

really they are! I hate SUV's they suck. They aren't practical. And it's always the people complaining about high gas prices that drive them.

The worst is HUMMERS

The mileage sucks, it takes up almost two lanes and why the hell do you have to drive a war vehicle through suburban streets, where small childrent play?

The worst is HUMMERS

The mileage sucks, it takes up almost two lanes and why the hell do you have to drive a war vehicle through suburban streets, where small childrent play?

H2s especially - At least you can mount 50 cals on the back of a regular Hum-V

How predictable that a Republican bashing thread turns into an anti SUV and anti suburb thread. I have four kids, a wife, and an exchange student living in my house. There is no vehicle but an SUV or perhaps a conversion van that would accomodate my family. Furthermore, I would not even consider raising a family in the crime ridden cess pool that is urban America. Anywhere you have the Democrats in charge (Chicago, Wash DC, Gary,New Jersey), soon becomes a corrupt hell hole where a child has a better chance of being killed in a drive-by shooting than learning anything in a school controlled by teacher's unions with no concern for the welfare of the children. How many of the Democrat billionaires in congress send their kids to public, much less innner city, schools?

How predictable that a Republican bashing thread turns into an anti SUV and anti suburb thread. I have four kids, a wife, and an exchange student living in my house. There is no vehicle but an SUV or perhaps a conversion van that would accomodate my family. Furthermore, I would not even consider raising a family in the crime ridden cess pool that is urban America. Anywhere you have the Democrats in charge (Chicago, Wash DC, Gary,New Jersey), soon becomes a corrupt hell hole where a child has a better chance of being killed in a drive-by shooting than learning anything in a school controlled by teacher's unions with no concern for the welfare of the children. How many of the Democrat billionaires in congress send their kids to public, much less innner city, schools?I have 5 kids and a wife, a minivan handles our needs quite nicely. We also own a small station wagon. I don't drive either to work, I bike commute. I also live in the suburbs but refuse to add to the pollution problem that stems from commuting. Face it, your just too lazy to be bothered and a SUV looks 'cooler' than a minivan. If I can live without a SUV you can too. Your excuses are just that, excuses.

How predictable that a Republican bashing thread turns into an anti SUV and anti suburb thread. I have four kids, a wife, and an exchange student living in my house. There is no vehicle but an SUV or perhaps a conversion van that would accomodate my family. Furthermore, I would not even consider raising a family in the crime ridden cess pool that is urban America. Anywhere you have the Democrats in charge (Chicago, Wash DC, Gary,New Jersey), soon becomes a corrupt hell hole where a child has a better chance of being killed in a drive-by shooting than learning anything in a school controlled by teacher's unions with no concern for the welfare of the children. How many of the Democrat billionaires in congress send their kids to public, much less innner city, schools?

My problem lies not with the 'burbs, but with their cause -->

Without huge government highway programs there would not be:

"The great white flight..." more affluent, white americans would still live in the city

Poeple would not need autos to get around, and would not be so damn fat

Pollution would be less of a problem

We would not be slaves to OPEC

Homes would be smaller, encouraging families to spend time together, plus lower power needs

less time on highway = more time being productive

say no to ridiculous government spending programs

Step One.

Sell your soul to satan.

Step One.

Sell your soul to satan.

Step two:

Wear earplugs and a blindfold while you shout your BS thru a bullhorn.

Here you guys go...

21 Steps to Becoming a Democrat

Virtually anyone can be a Democrat. Just simply quit
thinking (about it) and vote that way. If you want to
be a GOOD Democrat, however, there are some
prerequisites you must have first. Compare them below
and see how you rate...

1. You have to believe the AIDS virus is spread by a
lack of Federal funding.

2. You have to believe that the same school system
that can't teach 4th graders how to read is somehow
the best qualified to teach those same kids all about
sex.

3. You have to believe that guns, in the hands of
law-abiding Americans, are more of a threat than U.S.
nuclear weapons technology, in the hands of
Chinese communists.

4. You have to believe that there was no art before
Federal funding.

5. You have to believe that global temperatures are
less affected by cyclical, documented changes in the
earth's climate, and more affected by Americans
driving SUVs'!

6. You have to believe that gender roles are
artificial but being homosexual is natural.

7. You have to be against capital punishment but
support abortion on demand.

8. You have to believe that businesses create
oppression and governments create prosperity.

9. You have to believe that hunters don't care about
nature, but loony activists from Seattle do.

10. You have to believe that self-esteem is more
important than actually doing something to earn it.

11. You have to believe the U.S. military, not evil,
tyrannical regimes, start wars.

12. You have to believe the NRA is bad, because it
supports certain parts

of the Constitution, while the ACLU is good, because
it supports certain parts of the constitution.

13. You have to believe that taxes are too low, but
ATM fees are too high.

14. You have to believe that Margaret Sanger and
Gloria Steinem are more important to American history
than Thomas Jefferson, General Robert E. Lee or Thomas
Edison.

15. You have to believe that standardized tests are
racist, but racial quotas and set-asides are not.

16. You have to believe Hillary Clinton is all about
"progress" and not power. She just wants to help us
out of the archaic system of governing that we've been
subjected to since our founding.

17. You have to believe that the only reason socialism
hasn't worked anywhere it's been tried, is because the
right people haven't been in charge.

18. You have to believe Republicans telling the truth
belong in jail, but a cheat, liar and sex offender
belongs in the White House and you would vote him back
in there in a New York minute (if you could).

19. You have to believe that homosexual parades
displaying drag, transvestites and beastiality should
be constitutionally protected and manger scenes at
Christmas should be illegal.

20. You have to believe that illegal Democrat Party
funding by the Chinese is somehow in the best interest
of the United States.

21. You have to believe that the vociferous minorities
who protest against prayer and saluting the flag in
school have far more rights than the
majority who believe in God and country and want these
values to be instilled in our young children.

If you are locked in solidly to most of these beliefs
- you're gonna be a big asset to John Kerry.

Well I'm glad you contributed Grebonia but you could have at least made it humorous. I'm not a Democrat either so I had nothing to take offense at.

How to become a Republican.

1. Get a job.

2. Get over yourself.

WHY do you people have so many children? Arrgh. It's so selfish. And bad.

I'm sorry, I'm just a Malthus freak. I blame everything on overpopulation, and at the net increase of 2.4 people per second, I don't see why I shouldn't be upset that you morons are having 5 kids.

Why can't you people just have 2 children like everyone else?

WHY do you people have so many children? Arrgh. It's so selfish. And bad.

I'm sorry, I'm just a Malthus freak. I blame everything on overpopulation, and at the net increase of 2.4 people per second, I don't see why I shouldn't be upset that you morons are having 5 kids.

Why do you think public schools are bad, it couldn't be over crowding, could it?

Why can't you people just have 2 children like everyone else?

Where the hell did that come from? I don't have any children. Although, I agree with you that having too many kids is so freekin stupid. I don't blame the poor schooling on overpopulation though.

I grew up in poor areas and had to go to school in these areas. It was dreadful. And going back to see how those schools evolved over the years, they have gotten worse and look like prisons!

The truth is, public schools are funded based on surrounding land value. Public schools in rich areas are like private schools (just without religion being forced down your throat). It's sick! It's a shame when it looks like the people running this country seem to be making policies that favor the rich and and trample on teh poor. Why are the leaders trying to keep poor people stupid?

Yes, pardon my non-sequiter.

But basically I'm observing a lack of understanding of each other's values.
On both "lists" (which I'm sure were original) I see only about one accurate statement about the position of the majority of the other party.

In all honesty, the parties themselves aren't all that different.
At least, according to politicalcompass.org

Yes, pardon my non-sequiter.

But basically I'm observing a lack of understanding of each other's values.
On both "lists" (which I'm sure were original) I see only about one accurate statement about the position of the majority of the other party.

In all honesty, the parties themselves aren't all that different.
At least, according to politicalcompass.org

Actually I got my jokes from a website which is linked in the title of How to become a Republican". And to me they were just jokes. I don't think all Republicans think this way. I just like to poke fun and welcome to same to be done to me :p

Hell, even as a vegetarian that hates to see the unecessary suffering of animals just so people can enjoy a steak or drumstick, I like the joke "If God didn't want us to eat animals then why did he make them out of meat?" and share it with veggies and non-veggies alike.

This thread is reminding me of 2 good bumper stickers I've seen:
"Annoy a Liberal: Work hard and be happy" (although I do seem to find liberals to be much happier...)
"Think freedom sucks? Hate the poor? Vote Republican!"

But basically I'm observing a lack of understanding of each other's values.
On both "lists" (which I'm sure were original) I see only about one accurate statement about the position of the majority of the other party.

I actually pulled that from another websites FYI.

13. You have to believe that taxes are too low, but
ATM fees are too high.


Asynchronous transfer mode fees aren't high... oh wait... never mind, wrong AT :D. (if you're a computer nerd, you'll get this)

I have 5 kids and a wife, a minivan handles our needs quite nicely. We also own a small station wagon. I don't drive either to work, I bike commute. I also live in the suburbs but refuse to add to the pollution problem that stems from commuting. Face it, your just too lazy to be bothered and a SUV looks 'cooler' than a minivan. If I can live without a SUV you can too. Your excuses are just that, excuses.

Well, hot dog! Too bad we live in a country where one can choose to drive an SUV, hybrid, gas-guzzling muscle car or anything else, huh? I drive a fuel-efficient four-banger because I hate the fact a chunk of the cash I spend on gas goes to terrorist groups wanting to kill Americans, but that's my decision. I wouldn't force it on anyone else.

By the way, while out bike commuting, stay the hell out of my way when I'm driving to work. There's nothing worse than poking along at 5 miles-per-hour behind some nut who insists on driving his bicycle down the middle of the street.

HOW TO BECOME A REPUBLICAN (http://rawilson.com/jokes.shtml)

1) You have to believe that the nation's 8-year prosperity prior to W's administration was due to the work of Ronald Reagan and George H. Bush, but that today's growing deficit and rising gas prices are all Clinton's fault.
Oh yes, because the current president really does control the economy. :rolleyes:

2) You have to believe that those privileged from birth achieve success all on their own.
Yeah, because it ain't that hard to maintain wealth, just spend it all and you'll always stay wealthy...

3) You have to be against government programs, except Social Security checks on time.
Because the government is an ineffective bloated body that needs to leave the American public alone, hell SS is a bit much

4) You have to believe that government should stay out of people's lives, yet you want government to regulate your personal sexual and reproductive decisions.
Actually you don't, but the government staying out of peoples lives is close

5) You have to believe that pollution is ok, so long as it makes a profit.
If it makes for better human living and improvment, to hell with some red-tail spotted chipmunk

6) You have to believe in prayer in schools, as long as you don't pray to Allah or Buddha.
Actually prayer in school would cover Buddha and Allah

7) You love Jesus and Jesus loves you and, by the way, Jesus shares your hatred of AIDS victims, homosexuals, and former President Clinton.
Yes, because Jesus really did vote against Clinton in '96

8) You have to believe that society is color-blind and growing up black in America doesn't diminish your opportunities, but you still won't vote for Alan Keyes.
Of course, not voting for Alan Keyes has nothing to do with the fact that you might not like his policies, it has to be because of his skin color

9) You have to believe that it was wise to allow Ken Starr to spend $50 million dollars to attack Clinton because no other U.S. presidents or Republican men have ever been unfaithful to their wives.[/quote[
Lying under Oath is a serious offense, something a President should be held accoutable for.

[quote]10) You have to believe that a waiting period for purchasing a handgun is bad because quick access to a new firearm is an important concern for all Americans.
Actually no

11) You have to believe it is wise to keep condoms out of schools, because we all know if teenagers don't have condoms they won't have sex.
Condoms promote sex, and condoms are not 100% safe, unless you think it is okay for little 14-year olds to get pregnant

12) You have to believe that the ACLU is bad because they defend the Constitution, while the NRA is good because they defend the Constitution.
Ah yes, because it is so important that we not show the Confederate flag in public, but burning the American flag is perfectly alright :rolleyes:

13) You have to believe the AIDS virus is not important enough to deserve federal funding proportionate to the resulting death rate and that the public doesn't need to be educated about it, because if we just ignore it, it will go away.
Again no, but nice effort

14) You have to believe that biology teachers are corrupting the morals of 6th graders if they teach them the basics of human sexuality, but the Bible, which is full of sex and violence, is good reading and right on the mark.
Actually no you don't, but thanks for playing

15) You have to believe that Chinese communist missiles have killed more Americans than handguns, alcohol, and tobacco.
Wow, and when did the Chinese starting throwing missiles at us? Must have been those secrets Clinton gave them :rolleyes:

16) You have to believe that even though governments have supported the arts for 5000 years and that most of the great works of Renaissance art were paid for by governments, our government should shun any such support. After all, the rich can afford to buy their own art and the poor don't need any.
Because paying someone to throw buckets of paint at a wall and call it "art" is something that really does need to be funded :rolleyes:

17) You have to believe that the lumber from the last one percent of old growth U.S. forests is well worth the destruction of those forests and the extinction of the several species of plants and animals therein.
Again, no, come back when you have some intelligence

18) You have to believe that we should forgive and pray for Newt Gingrich, Henry Hyde, and Bob Livingston for their marital infidelities, but that bastard Clinton should have been impeached.
Because he lied under oath, if the man had fessed up the whole mess would've gone much better

19) You have to believe that George W. Bush really won the last election.
Because the dozen or so recounts and the Supreme Court MUST be wrong, correct?

Pelleon, those were jokes. Take it with a grain of salt, man.

Yeah, the ACLU has been pretty lax when it came to removing all those extracts from the Koran that adorn the walls of courthouses nationwide, right? How do they uphold the separation of Church and State without appearing anti-Christian? Christians are the only people who try to influence the US Government.
Where is "separation of Church and State" found?

I hate pickups...what are they for? If you are not working on a farm, there is no good reason.
I have a pickup and live in the city and use it to haul stuff all the time. It is a handy feature to have, though having people call me up all the time to move their junk around gets tiring.

Here you guys go...

21 Steps to Becoming a Democrat

Virtually anyone can be a Democrat. Just simply quit
thinking (about it) and vote that way. If you want to
be a GOOD Democrat, however, there are some
prerequisites you must have first. Compare them below
and see how you rate...

1. You have to believe the AIDS virus is spread by a
lack of Federal funding.

2. You have to believe that the same school system
that can't teach 4th graders how to read is somehow
the best qualified to teach those same kids all about
sex.

3. You have to believe that guns, in the hands of
law-abiding Americans, are more of a threat than U.S.
nuclear weapons technology, in the hands of
Chinese communists.

4. You have to believe that there was no art before
Federal funding.

5. You have to believe that global temperatures are
less affected by cyclical, documented changes in the
earth's climate, and more affected by Americans
driving SUVs'!

6. You have to believe that gender roles are
artificial but being homosexual is natural.

7. You have to be against capital punishment but
support abortion on demand.

8. You have to believe that businesses create
oppression and governments create prosperity.

9. You have to believe that hunters don't care about
nature, but loony activists from Seattle do.

10. You have to believe that self-esteem is more
important than actually doing something to earn it.

11. You have to believe the U.S. military, not evil,
tyrannical regimes, start wars.

12. You have to believe the NRA is bad, because it
supports certain parts

of the Constitution, while the ACLU is good, because
it supports certain parts of the constitution.

13. You have to believe that taxes are too low, but
ATM fees are too high.

14. You have to believe that Margaret Sanger and
Gloria Steinem are more important to American history
than Thomas Jefferson, General Robert E. Lee or Thomas
Edison.

15. You have to believe that standardized tests are
racist, but racial quotas and set-asides are not.

16. You have to believe Hillary Clinton is all about
"progress" and not power. She just wants to help us
out of the archaic system of governing that we've been
subjected to since our founding.

17. You have to believe that the only reason socialism
hasn't worked anywhere it's been tried, is because the
right people haven't been in charge.

18. You have to believe Republicans telling the truth
belong in jail, but a cheat, liar and sex offender
belongs in the White House and you would vote him back
in there in a New York minute (if you could).

19. You have to believe that homosexual parades
displaying drag, transvestites and beastiality should
be constitutionally protected and manger scenes at
Christmas should be illegal.

20. You have to believe that illegal Democrat Party
funding by the Chinese is somehow in the best interest
of the United States.

21. You have to believe that the vociferous minorities
who protest against prayer and saluting the flag in
school have far more rights than the
majority who believe in God and country and want these
values to be instilled in our young children.

If you are locked in solidly to most of these beliefs
- you're gonna be a big asset to John Kerry.

Thanks I again had a few chuckles. I love these things. :)

Pelleon, those were jokes. Take it with a grain of salt, man.

Bah, the way this forum is, there is a blurred line between those being funny and those serious when it comes to stuff like this :D

Well, hot dog! Too bad we live in a country where one can choose to drive an SUV, hybrid, gas-guzzling muscle car or anything else, huh? I drive a fuel-efficient four-banger because I hate the fact a chunk of the cash I spend on gas goes to terrorist groups wanting to kill Americans, but that's my decision. I wouldn't force it on anyone else.

By the way, while out bike commuting, stay the hell out of my way when I'm driving to work. There's nothing worse than poking along at 5 miles-per-hour behind some nut who insists on driving his bicycle down the middle of the street.The person who I was responding to was saying that an SUV was the only thing that would suit their needs siting an identical family size that I have, I was proving them wrong, sure they have the right to be a selfish gas hog, just own up to it and quit making excuses that don't hold up.

If you ever do see me on the road, I'll be that blur wizzing by you on the right as you sit in traffic. I ride a hell of alot faster than 5 mph and one of my favorite pastimes is watching the anger and frustration on assholes like you when they realize I'm making better time than they are.

Wouldn't it seem that giving out condoms encourages sex?

In the real world, no. The people who want to have sex are going to have sex and there's nothing, short of locking them in the basement, that you can do about it. Thus, those of us who can look at things from a pragmatic point of view say we should make condoms available so at least they'll do it safely.

The ACLU does not defend the constitution. They vehemently hate Christianity, yet tolerate almost every other religion, are adamantly anti-states' rights, and are staunch defenders of communists, criminals, sodomites, etc. They are one of the greatest threats to the constitution.

Yes, the ACLU hates Christianity, that's why they recently sued on behalf of a student that had her yearbook quote removed for being a Bible quote. Can't find the original article right now, but this site quotes it:
http://www.americasdebate.com/forums/index.php?showtopic=6362

So, yes, the ACLU upholds the Constitution, for Christians, communists, criminals, "sodomites," comic book salesmen, blacks, whites, Native Americans, hispanics, you, me, etc, etc, etc.

8) You have to believe that society is color-blind and growing up black in America doesn't diminish your opportunities, but you still won't vote for Alan Keyes.

The republicans are against blacks thing always cracks me up. Bush has put blacks in higher offices than any democrat ever has. The thing is, he doesn't parade that around...he just picked the people he thought were best for the job.

Things YOU HAVE TO BELIEVE TO BE A REPUBLICAN TODAY:


Saddam was a good guy when Reagan armed him, a bad guy when Bush's daddy made war on him, a good guy when Cheney did business with him and a bad guy when Bush needed a "we can't find Bin Laden" diversion.


Trade with Cuba is wrong because the country is communist, but trade with China and Vietnam is vital to a spirit of international harmony.


A woman can't be trusted with decisions about her own body, but multi-national corporations can make decisions affecting all mankind without regulation.


Jesus loves you, and shares your hatred of homosexuals and Hillary Clinton.


The best way to improve military morale is to praise the troops in speeches while slashing veterans' benefits and combat pay.


Providing health care to all Iraqis is sound policy. Providing health care to all Americans is socialism.


HMOs and insurance companies have the best interests of the public at heart.


Global warming and tobacco's link to cancer are junk science, but creationism should be taught in schools.


A president lying about an extramarital affair is a impeachable offense. A president lying to enlist support for a war in which thousands die is solid defense policy.


Government should limit itself to the powers named in the Constitution, which include banning gay marriages and censoring the Internet.


The public has a right to know about Hillary's cattle trades, but George Bush's cocaine conviction is none of our business.


Being a drug addict is a moral failing and a crime, unless you're a conservative radio host. Then it's an illness, and you need our prayers for your recovery.


You support states' rights, which means Attorney General John Ashcroft can tell states what local voter initiatives they have the right to adopt.


What Bill Clinton did in the 1960s is of vital national interest, but what Bush did in the '80s is irrelevant.

Come on republicans grow a thicker skin and post some jokes about Democrats.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

This little old lady calls 911. When the operator answers she yells, "Help, send the police to my house right away! There's a damn Democrat on my front porch and he's playing with himself."

"What?" the operator exclaimed. "I said there is a damn Democrat on my front porch playing with himself and he's weird; I don't know him and I'm afraid! Please send the police!" the little old lady repeated.

"Well, now, how do you know he's a Democrat?"

"Because, you damn fool, if it was a Republican, he'd be screwing somebody!"

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Top Ten Items On George W. Bush's To-Do List

10. Hook up nuclear launch button to The Clapper.
9. Authorize new presidential anthem: "Hail to the Chad."
8. Send message to Wheaties people: "Hey guys, how about it? My face, your box."
7. Order copy of "Presidents for Dummies."
6. Keep distance from Cheney...don't want to catch heart disease.
5. Start mending fences with Democrats...appoint Gore "Secretary of Losers."
4. Avoid smoking any cigars left behind by Clinton.
3. Deliver memorable speech at inauguration: "I have a dream...then I wake up."
2. As soon as possible, have transitional team meet with Martin Sheen.
1. Now that all the bickering is over, gracefully bow out of race.