NationStates Jolt Archive

In the Bible it says

"God created man in his own image"

So do you Christians believe that god actually has a penis?

If so what does he use it for? If he has no-one to mate with that is?

Does he just use it to urinate?

Or did he create the world in a 7 day masturbation session?

a huge one

This post is in bad taste in the extreme. You can go ahead and disbelieve in various faiths, but to flame-bait like this is simply NOT acceptable. Please refrain from this in the future.

And... if you were wondering, that passage means we were created with the ability to see right from wrong, and have free will. GOD is noncorporeal.

*snicker* that's amusing!

What a question I don't even think about this stuff. Its like "can god make a rock so big that he can't move it" question. I guess he could have one if he wants one.

God is a Women.

God is a spirit, not a physical being. Therefore, he..uh...it, has no penis.

I request that the Mods close down this thread, it's outright blasphoemy to any Believers, it's of no value, and is one of the stupidest things I have ever heard. Even non-believers won't want to read about this kind of crap.

logically speaking God would have to have the genitals of BOTH genders

I request that the mods keep this thread open. It's humorous, which is it's intention.

Any percieved blasphemy is strictly in the eye of the beholder.

If Jesus were a mod, he wouldn't lock the thread. ;)

Oh, and to chime in on the topic of the thread:

" 'Do you believe in God?' 'No.' Boom. Dead. 'Do you believe in God?' 'Yes.' 'Do you believe in MY god?' 'No.' Boom Dead. 'My God has a bigger dick than your God!' " -George Carlin.

I request that the Mods close down this thread, it's outright blasphoemy to any Believers, it's of no value, and is one of the stupidest things I have ever heard. Even non-believers won't want to read about this kind of crap.
Oh, go read a bible and preach to the other sheep!!

This reminds me a little of how the ancient egyptians believed that the world was created by a God masturbating.

...

That was a totally random and useless fact, I don't know why I brought it up.

I request that the Mods close down this thread, it's outright blasphoemy to any Believers, it's of no value, and is one of the stupidest things I have ever heard. Even non-believers won't want to read about this kind of crap.


Typical Christian Fundamentalist reply. As soon as someone challanges your religion with some free thought, you try to censure them.

This is exactly what they did to Copernicus.

If you can't contribute to the post with an interesting viewpoint then why don't you go and burn some books!

I request that the Mods close down this thread, it's outright blasphoemy to any Believers, it's of no value, and is one of the stupidest things I have ever heard. Even non-believers won't want to read about this kind of crap.

:rolleyes:

I think this is a dangerous subject. Fundamentalism aside.

See, this will eventually lead into a 'Whose God has the larger penis?' debate. WHich could lead to violent arguing and then more killing. In the name of God's genitals. Which I'll admit, is probably a better thing to fight over than a bit of 'holy' desert land, but it's still not a good idea. ;)

i LOVE god he is quite sexy.

my god is hung like a godly horse

Actually it says "God created man in his image; in the divine image he created him; male and female he created them."

Simple answer to question "Does God have a penis?" is "Yes."

The complex answer to the question is ... well complex. God (that is God the Father) is spirit. He (not really in a gender sense) then sent "The Word" and "The Word" became flesh and that flesh was male. That Word, was "True God and true man ... one in being with the father." Therefore since the Son is true God, as much as the Father is true God, (and as much as the Spirit is true God, and all are one God) therefore God has a penis, because the Son had a penis.

He also had a liver, two kidneys, and a spleen.

This reminds me a little of how the ancient egyptians believed that the world was created by a God masturbating.

...

That was a totally random and useless fact, I don't know why I brought it up.
I remember reading somewhere (cant remember where) that we are all Gods ejaculate

no wait wait wait, the real question is "is god a hermaphrodite"

I remember reading somewhere (cant remember where) that we are all Gods ejaculate
i dont think i've heard THAT one

I think this is a dangerous subject. Fundamentalism aside.

See, this will eventually lead into a 'Whose God has the larger penis?' debate. WHich could lead to violent arguing and then more killing. In the name of God's genitals. Which I'll admit, is probably a better thing to fight over than a bit of 'holy' desert land, but it's still not a good idea. ;)
But its not so much how big Gods penis is but how he uses it right?

i LOVE god he is quite sexy.
hell yeah-thats why he made sex feel good- everything that feels good IS good

no wait wait wait, the real question is "is god a hermaphrodite"
I think so--alot of hermaphroditic people are psychic-I saw it on the Dicovery channel-But I wonder if any one here knows any hermaphrodites? I never met one but there is one person I did see once where I have my suspicions

if you were in control of everything, would you give yourself a penis?

Somewhere in Orson Scott Card's Ender's Shadow (or Shadow of the Hegemon, but I'm not interested enough to look) Sister Carlotta says something along the lines of, "Male and female created he them. Making his own image anatomically vague, I suppose."

As to censuring the topic, what for? It's a closeminded response to a fundamentally humorous question that should not hurt any true believer's faith in God. So it shouldn't be a big deal, right?

i dont think i've heard THAT one
we would have to be-unless God has a mate

if you were in control of everything, would you give yourself a penis?

At least one.

But I'd put my testicles somewhere safer.

rain is but heavenly urine

At least one.

But I'd put my testicles somewhere safer.
LOL LOL LOL

rain is but heavenly urinethen I was just pissed on today

LOL LOL LOL

Well, I get struck in the groin a lot.

Well, I get struck in the groin a lot.
wear a heavenly cup ;)

God is a Women.

does that mean that god and mary are both lesbians? :fluffle:

does that mean that god and mary are both lesbians? :fluffle:

That would certainly explain why Joseph wan't very upset. :D

does that mean that god and mary are both lesbians?

Hey, that does explain Virgin...just not Mother. :rolleyes:

I remember reading somewhere (cant remember where) that we are all Gods ejaculate


Okay, on a related (slightly feminist) note: If a man can produce between 40 (normal count) - 210 *million* sperm in one ejaculation, then why is the value seemingly so much higher than the egg of a woman? Women only produce about one a month! It only takes one egg to do the job, but over a million sperm have to be used (only one ends up making it to the finish line usually, but still...) to produce one fetus...

After Thought- If _you_ were God, would you rather have one thing that does the job, or a one in 40 million chance of doing the job. (What the self esteem must be like for a sperm!)

God is a Women.


God is a women? How can one be a plural?

Idiot!


God made MAN in HIS own image! God is a man! (Notice I say "God is a Man", not "God is men")

This post is in bad taste in the extreme. You can go ahead and disbelieve in various faiths, but to flame-bait like this is simply NOT acceptable. Please refrain from this in the future.

It's not flamebait, it's an interesting question. Bad taste, quite possibly, but not flamebait.

And... if you were wondering, that passage means we were created with the ability to see right from wrong, and have free will. GOD is noncorporeal.

I thought we were originally created, according to Genesis, without that ability, and gained it because Eve ate from the forbidden apple tree.

This question is moot. How could god have a penis? he doesnt even exist!

That would certainly explain why Joseph wan't very upset. :D
and they prolly helped with the carpentry too :)

This post is in bad taste in the extreme. You can go ahead and disbelieve in various faiths, but to flame-bait like this is simply NOT acceptable. Please refrain from this in the future.

And... if you were wondering, that passage means we were created with the ability to see right from wrong, and have free will. GOD is noncorporeal.

you know the egyptian god Amun created the world by masturbating, so it wasn't necessarily flame bait.

This question is moot. How could god have a penis? he doesnt even exist!

My God has a bigger penis than your God! :D

This question is moot. How could god have a penis? he doesnt even exist!

Quite possibly, but that's a different question altogether...since this assumes that there is a God.

In theroy God does have a mate The Virgin Mary.

God is a women? How can one be a plural?

Idiot!


God made MAN in HIS own image! God is a man! (Notice I say "God is a Man", not "God is men")

that would explain the immature ego tripping of the biblical yhwh.

Okay, on a related (slightly feminist) note: If a man can produce between 40 (normal count) - 210 *million* sperm in one ejaculation, then why is the value seemingly so much higher than the egg of a woman? Women only produce about one a month! It only takes one egg to do the job, but over a million sperm have to be used (only one ends up making it to the finish line usually, but still...) to produce one fetus...

After Thought- If _you_ were God, would you rather have one thing that does the job, or a one in 40 million chance of doing the job. (What the self esteem must be like for a sperm!)
thats an excellent question-I wonder if they can help infertile couples by addressing the self esteem issues of sperm

In theroy God does have a mate The Virgin Mary.

he was sorta dating below his class when you think about it...or above, when you read about it. Mary seems alot more mature than jehovah about shit in general. Mati Meri is actually a name for Isis. Jehovah digs those egyptian chicks.

In theroy God does have a mate The Virgin Mary.

but if she was his/her mate, then why is she still a virgin

It's not flamebait, it's an interesting question. Bad taste, quite possibly, but not flamebait.



I thought we were originally created, according to Genesis, without that ability, and gained it because Eve ate from the forbidden apple tree.
adam and eve is an allegory

This question is moot. How could god have a penis? he doesnt even exist!
yeah he does--in the realm of faith

you know the egyptian god Amun created the world by masturbating, so it wasn't necessarily flame bait.
thats true-he just could be an ancient egyptian

no wait wait wait, the real question is "is god a hermaphrodite"

of course, making hermaphrodites and gender-queeers closer to god. in alot of ancient societies the priesthoods were gay, and hermaphrodites were extremely holy.

The real question is, which god? Zeus certainly does. Odin probably does, but he'd never use it. I wouldn't really call the Buddah a god, but of course he did. Please don't close down this thread. It's really funny.
:fluffle: :sniper:

but if she was his/her mate, then why is she still a virgin

jehovah doesn't have a very big penis...

i cant see how the church hates masterbation, eve was created from adam, so when they had sex to populate to world adam was technically having sex with himself

In theroy God does have a mate The Virgin Mary.
at some point she cant keep calling herself a virgin tho

i cant see how the church hates masterbation, eve was created from adam, so when they had sex to populate to world adam was technically having sex with himself

my psychiatrist says sex and food addiction are the most common ones in the church, as they're both relatively easy to hide. (compared to say...cocaine addiction), so the church is rather defensive about sexuality.

that would explain the immature ego tripping of the biblical yhwh.
I think were solving alot of eternal mysteries in this thread

i cant see how the church hates masterbation, eve was created from adam, so when they had sex to populate to world adam was technically having sex with himself
I can't see why the church doesn't like birth control either, but what the heck.

In Final Fantasy 7, Jenova doens't have one (that you can see, anyway).

The real question is, which god? Zeus certainly does. Odin probably does, but he'd never use it. I wouldn't really call the Buddah a god, but of course he did. Please don't close down this thread. It's really funny.
:fluffle: :sniper:

buddah has the biggest one of the lot

i cant see how the church hates masterbation, eve was created from adam, so when they had sex to populate to world adam was technically having sex with himself


And incestuous relations, as well!

he was sorta dating below his class when you think about it...or above, when you read about it. Mary seems alot more mature than jehovah about shit in general. Mati Meri is actually a name for Isis. Jehovah digs those egyptian chicks.
do you have a pic of Cleopatra?

I think were solving alot of eternal mysteries in this thread

honestly, the gender definition of god is an extremely interesting subject. a song's lyrics are coming to mind..."you free your mind in your androgyny", and what somebody said about psychic hermaphrodites is making me think...*thinks*

of course, making hermaphrodites and gender-queeers closer to god. in alot of ancient societies the priesthoods were gay, and hermaphrodites were extremely holy.
you musta saw the same tv show I did

I think so--alot of hermaphroditic people are psychic-I saw it on the Dicovery channel-But I wonder if any one here knows any hermaphrodites? I never met one but there is one person I did see once where I have my suspicions

True hermaphrodites do not exist in the human species. They only exist in other species such as some forms of frogs. In the human form it is a mock hermaphrodite where either the female/ or male genitals are larger than the other. The less dominant sex of the child goes into remission and it sterile. This has to do with Wulfian ducts that create testicles and their female counterparts. They create structures that destroy or at least sterilize the other sex's structures. Making true hermaphodite nature impossible in a human being.

do you have a pic of Cleopatra?

yup, its right next to my pictures of ceaser and moses

The real question is, which god? Zeus certainly does. Odin probably does, but he'd never use it. I wouldn't really call the Buddah a god, but of course he did. Please don't close down this thread. It's really funny.
:fluffle: :sniper:
Buddah was hella fat

you musta saw the same tv show I did

not really, I'm just a gay guy who has had visions and considers himself a mystic.

If he did exist it would be quite large.

I find this to be very funny!

If the Judeo-Chrisitan god doesn't have a penis, then I guess it means that the Norse, Greek and Buddhist gods all have bigger ones.
:D :mp5:

If the Judeo-Chrisitan god doesn't have a penis, then I guess it means that the Norse, Greek and Buddhist gods all have bigger ones.
:D :mp5:

that's remarkable, as there aren't actually buddhist gods - just transcended humans called buddhisatvas (I can't spell that word).

I can't see why the church doesn't like birth control either, but what the heck.

In Final Fantasy 7, Jenova doens't have one (that you can see, anyway).
what a ripoff

True hermaphrodites do not exist in the human species. They only exist in other species such as some forms of frogs. In the human form it is a mock hermaphrodite where either the female/ or male genitals are larger than the other. The less dominant sex of the child goes into remission and it sterile. This has to do with Wulfian ducts that create testicles and their female counterparts. They create structures that destroy or at least sterilize the other sex's structures. Making true hermaphodite nature impossible in a human being.

interesting...

If the Judeo-Chrisitan god doesn't have a penis, then I guess it means that the Norse, Greek and Buddhist gods all have bigger ones.
:D :mp5:

thats gotta be a bit of a kick in the balls (no pun intended) for the christians. maybe instead of all these debates about religion we should just get all the gods to flop it out and the biggest one gets the title of god

Of course, God doesn't have a penis. That's ridiculous. She has a vagina.
:D

buddah has the biggest one of the lot
not true--the skinny Gods always have the bigger tools

thats gotta be a bit of a kick in the balls (no pun intended) for the christians. maybe instead of all these debates about religion we should just get all the gods to flop it out and the biggest one gets the title of god

I think Priapus wins.

that's remarkable, as there aren't actually buddhist gods - just transcended humans called buddhisatvas (I can't spell that word).
Parts of the Buddhist religon do worship the Sublime One as a god.

And incestuous relations, as well!
well everyone in the bible kept it in the family

I think Priapus wins.

No, i win

ALL BOW DOWN TO YOUR NEW GOD

honestly, the gender definition of god is an extremely interesting subject. a song's lyrics are coming to mind..."you free your mind in your androgyny", and what somebody said about psychic hermaphrodites is making me think...*thinks*
wouldnt this also make God bi?

well everyone in the bible kept it in the family
There are sound genetic reasons against incest. Unlike mastrubation and birth control.

Okay, on a related (slightly feminist) note: If a man can produce between 40 (normal count) - 210 *million* sperm in one ejaculation, then why is the value seemingly so much higher than the egg of a woman? Women only produce about one a month! It only takes one egg to do the job, but over a million sperm have to be used (only one ends up making it to the finish line usually, but still...) to produce one fetus...

After Thought- If _you_ were God, would you rather have one thing that does the job, or a one in 40 million chance of doing the job. (What the self esteem must be like for a sperm!)


That's because the army of sperm have to go on a dangerous commando mission into enemy territory to secure the objective, but all the Egg does is sit on its ass watching TV and eating bon-bons.

No, i win

ALL BOW DOWN TO YOUR NEW GOD
I shudder to think of the shrines they will erect in your honor.

wouldnt this also make God bi?

or asexual, or pansexual, or any of those weird definitions we have now. I am officially Nathan-sexual. add that one to the list.

True hermaphrodites do not exist in the human species. They only exist in other species such as some forms of frogs. In the human form it is a mock hermaphrodite where either the female/ or male genitals are larger than the other. The less dominant sex of the child goes into remission and it sterile. This has to do with Wulfian ducts that create testicles and their female counterparts. They create structures that destroy or at least sterilize the other sex's structures. Making true hermaphodite nature impossible in a human being.
arent all indian gods hermaphrodites? you know the ones that have like TEN ARMS

I shudder to think of the shrines they will erect in your honor.

I read a latin manuscript where somebody dedicated a 9 foot tall golden penis to his mother in law. times have changed...

That's because the army of sperm have to go on a dangerous commando mission into enemy territory to secure the objective, but all the Egg does is sit on its ass watching TV and eating bon-bons.
I can hear the flames approaching.

I request that the Mods close down this thread, it's outright blasphoemy to any Believers, it's of no value, and is one of the stupidest things I have ever heard. Even non-believers won't want to read about this kind of crap.

Youre way to uptight. Theres nothing in the starting post of this thread that suggested any downbringing to the Christian belief. Im a non-believer and I found this "stupid crap" interesting..so blah.

That's because the army of sperm have to go on a dangerous commando mission into enemy territory to secure the objective, but all the Egg does is sit on its ass watching TV and eating bon-bons.

ROTFLMOA

yup, its right next to my pictures of ceaser and moses
can you post it?

interesting...

Sorry to anyone if I am way off subject. I consider the topic adequately answered by the guy who had the simple and complex answers. As to those who say this is blasphemous think of it this way. Isn't considering God in any way meditation?
Does it belittle God to consider this? I do not believe so. Consider this he created us (or at least nearly 50% of us with these). Dont you think it insults him to harp on parts of his creation? A penis just like a hand or any part of the human body or even parts of nature show his glory and divine plan. God is proud of all of his creation.

As for the Copernicus think Troy. I don't think you can possibly compare yourself to him considering he did not go out of his way to challenge religion. He merely knew the truth was not shown by the church. You will also find no mention in the Bible contradicting his claims. The belief that the Earth is the center of the universe was just an assumption.

arent all indian gods hermaphrodites? you know the ones that have like TEN ARMS

I beleive lord krishna seduces both men and women in the bagivad ghita, or the ramayana, or one of those epic poems. I think they're usually considered either male or female, except for ganesh, who has a penis and breats and is something of a patron of homosexuals (the rituals they got up to in his temples...)

What if god is a eunuch? he might have a penis, but it would be useless.

not really, I'm just a gay guy who has had visions and considers himself a mystic.
what are you envisioning now?

Well, Jesus certainly had a... male genital member. There's no smiley that blushes, anymore!

If he did exist it would be quite large.

I find this to be very funny!
God Bless you :)

arent all indian gods hermaphrodites? you know the ones that have like TEN ARMS

i think they have 10 arms because they kept it in the family

what are you envisioning now?

erm, nothing, at the moment. ganesh comes to mind, elephant headed god with breats and a penis? if you must have something then that will do.

Well, Jesus certainly had a... male genital member. There's no smiley that blushes, anymore!

Yeah. How else would he and Mary Magdelene be able to have lil' Huckleberry?

Yeah. How else would he and Mary Magdelene be able to have lil' Huckleberry?

some people think it was more him and saint john..."the beloved apostle"

thats gotta be a bit of a kick in the balls (no pun intended) for the christians. maybe instead of all these debates about religion we should just get all the gods to flop it out and the biggest one gets the title of god
what does the winner get?

Well, Jesus certainly had a... male genital member. There's no smiley that blushes, anymore!

if his genitals are anything like his dads, then their nothing to boast over

arent all indian gods hermaphrodites? you know the ones that have like TEN ARMS

Those are not Hindu gods as we know God like a God. Hinduism is really monotheistic. All of those Gods like Brahma and Shiva are merely personalized representations of Gods moods and realities. Like Shiva shows God's nature in enduring purity and righteousnous. I am sorry I do not remember what the one God thing is though. At birth Hindus believe it is covered by a cloud and mere mortals can not understand it directly. Thus the mythology and manifestations of these smaller gods to better understand its attributes.

As far as my previous statement goes I don't think those are hermaphoditic. Shiva can be displayed as both male or female. But it is never protrayed as both at the same time.

what does the winner get?

a sacrifice! it has to be something important...like the president.

what does the winner get?

we've already decided the winner, i have the biggest genitals, now BOW

Putting aside the issue of God's penis (or lack of one), I have my own little theory of what really happened. You see, Mary was just walking around trying to think up a way of getting a baby, which she could eat. Then she saw one just lying there in the back yard of some hut, and she took it. Now, later at the Pub (don't argue) the guys saw her and the baby (named Jesus, meaning Tasty in some wierd language), and asked "Hey Mary, whats up with the baby?". Now, Mary couldn't tell them that she was going to eat it, then she'd have to share, so she said "Umm... You see, this Angel thingy came down to me and said, "*poof*, the Lord has made you pregnant." And, sure enough, in 9 days (the Lord works in mysterious days) the baby was there". The guys at the Pub didn't quite buy that one, and asked for some proof. She said, the Lord (really, his Angel, but the Angel was kinda the Lords bitch) said that from now on, I shall be known as Virgin Mary. The guys thought that that was kinda catchy, and no way could a blonde like Mary have thought that up herself. Boy, if they only knew that Mary had bleached her hair.

we've already decided the winner, i have the biggest genitals, now BOW

I think you have to impregnate deep space and create a planet first.

Those are not Hindu gods as we know God like a God. Hinduism is really monotheistic. All of those Gods like Brahma and Shiva are merely personalized representations of Gods moods and realities. Like Shiva shows God's nature in enduring purity and righteousnous. I am sorry I do not remember what the one God thing is though. At birth Hindus believe it is covered by a cloud and mere mortals can not understand it directly. Thus the mythology and manifestations of these smaller gods to better understand its attributes.

As far as my previous statement goes I don't think those are hermaphoditic. Shiva can be displayed as both male or female. But it is never protrayed as both at the same time.

dont be silly, shiva is an ice elemental GF

(named Jesus, meaning Tasty in some wierd language)
Yshua means "the lord, my savior" (I think), and Jesus is the greekified version of Yshua

some people think it was more him and saint john..."the beloved apostle"

Now that's just silly.

Or did he create the world in a 7 day masturbation session?
6 day!!! he rested (and prbably masturbated) the seventh day...which raises a good question, if you aren't supposed to work on the sabbath, does masturbation count as work....?

Now that's just silly.

how is that silly, saint john was quite the looker

Putting aside the issue of God's penis (or lack of one), I have my own little theory of what really happened. You see, Mary was just walking around trying to think up a way of getting a baby, which she could eat. Then she saw one just lying there in the back yard of some hut, and she took it. Now, later at the Pub (don't argue) the guys saw her and the baby (named Jesus, meaning Tasty in some wierd language), and asked "Hey Mary, whats up with the baby?". Now, Mary couldn't tell them that she was going to eat it, then she'd have to share, so she said "Umm... You see, this Angel thingy came down to me and said, "*poof*, the Lord has made you pregnant." And, sure enough, in 9 days (the Lord works in mysterious days) the baby was there". The guys at the Pub didn't quite buy that one, and asked for some proof. She said, the Lord (really, his Angel, but the Angel was kinda the Lords bitch) said that from now on, I shall be known as Virgin Mary. The guys thought that that was kinda catchy, and no way could a blonde like Mary have thought that up herself. Boy, if they only knew that Mary had bleached her hair.

As much as I think this is a joke. Explain how there are many witnesses to Jesus being born by Mary (Wise men, her husband, Shepherds, etc.). I believe the question is who impregnated her. If you like biblical conspiricy theories.

Now that's just silly.

I dunno, john was awful cute, and saint paul was awful sexist. In the older books of the new testament only 144000 men "who have not defiled themselves with women" go to heaven.

As much as I think this is a joke. Explain how there are many witnesses to Jesus being born by Mary (Wise men, her husband, Shepherds, etc.). I believe the question is who impregnated her. If you like biblical conspiricy theories.

dont you guys get it yet, im god, i impreginated her. and she was crap

6 day!!! he rested (and prbably masturbated) the seventh day...which raises a good question, if you aren't supposed to work on the sabbath, does masturbation count as work....?

"spilling your seed on the ground" is punishable by brutal death under mosaic law. So is picking up sticks on saturday...the jews weren't a very logical bunch when they wrote that - they killed somebody for picking up sticks.

As much as I think this is a joke. Explain how there are many witnesses to Jesus being born by Mary (Wise men, her husband, Shepherds, etc.). I believe the question is who impregnated her. If you like biblical conspiricy theories.

Don't you see? That's just the scam that Mary put forward! And Joseph went along with it because he thought he'd now get the chance to do her, seeing as she was not technically a virgin anymore.

dont you guys get it yet, im god, i impreginated her. and she was crap

Would it kill you to use a question mark? I need the visual cue so I can get the inflection in my voice right because I can't read silently.

ATTENTION Ucation:
ALL YOUR POSTS ARE BELONG TO US

"spilling your seed on the ground" is punishable by brutal death under mosaic law. So is picking up sticks on saturday...the jews weren't a very logical bunch when they wrote that - they killed somebody for picking up sticks.

if you did spill you seed on the ground, then who would know. did the moslums have group masterbation session or something? kinda like an olden day version of our soggy biscut game

You mean Ookie Cookie?

What if god is a eunuch? he might have a penis, but it would be useless.
Can't be. I've sworn many an oath on 'God's Testicles', and I couldn't have done that if He didn't have 'em, now could I?

You mean Ookie Cookie?

we call it differently here in new zealand

Can't be. I've sworn many an oath on 'God's Testicles', and I couldn't have done that if He didn't have 'em, now could I?

actually, many an oath has been sworn on the swearer's testicles...it's the root word of "testify" to testify used to mean to swear with your pants down, grabbing your balls.

"spilling your seed on the ground" is punishable by brutal death under mosaic law. So is picking up sticks on saturday...the jews weren't a very logical bunch when they wrote that - they killed somebody for picking up sticks.

Wow, were a bunch of nasty fucks aren't we..."spilling your seeds" or "picking up sticks." couldn't we have just said "no fucking on the sabbath?

if you did spill you seed on the ground, then who would know. did the moslums have group masterbation session or something? kinda like an olden day version of our soggy biscut game

where did muslims come in here? mosaic law means from moses, a hebrew patriarch.

actually, many an oath has been sworn on the swearer's testicles...it's the root word of "testify" to testify used to mean to swear with your pants down, grabbing your balls.

it sure beats swearing on you heart, id rather lose my heart than my testicle, i may die, but at least ill die a man

Wow, were a bunch of nasty fucks aren't we..."spilling your seeds" or "picking up sticks." couldn't we have just said "no fucking on the sabbath?

er...picking up sticks is not a euphanism - he was trying to get kindling for a fire and they killed him for "breaking the sabbath"

You mean Ookie Cookie?
we call it differently here in new zealand

It's a cookie here in America because we're all obese.

you know, we've posted 125 or so post about gods balls

the only reason god's called a "he" is the guys who wrote the bible originally were sexist. but now we all know males and females are equal (riiight?), so it wouldn't be too crazy to say god's a woman. or both. or neither.

God probably thinks this convo is hilarious.

Whatz a hermaphrodite

"spilling your seed on the ground" is punishable by brutal death under mosaic law. So is picking up sticks on saturday...the jews weren't a very logical bunch when they wrote that - they killed somebody for picking up sticks.

In... i think it was genesis... anyway, Onan was struck down by god for "spilling his seed onto the ground" instead of impregnanting his dead brothers wife, as he was instructed to do by moses

In... i think it was genesis... anyway, Onan was struck down by god for "spilling his seed onto the ground" instead of impregnanting his dead brothers wife, as he was instructed to do by moses

yep, that's biblical marriage law for ya. fundamentalist christians don't seem to be making as big a deal about that one, though.

Whatz a hermaphrodite

an animal with both male and female sex organs. Hermes was a greek god, to whom statues with large penises were erected at crossroads, and aphrodite is a goddess of beauty and femininity - combined, you get hermaphrodite.

yep, that's biblical marriage law for ya. fundamentalist christians don't seem to be making as big a deal about that one, though.

biblical law only applies when it aids them in controlling others

I think Priapus wins.
yeah but now hes got a challenger named Viagra

an animal with both male and female sex organs. Hermes was a greek god, to whom statues with large penises were erected at crossroads, and aphrodite is a goddess of beauty and femininity - combined, you get hermaphrodite.

heh, in one instance the men of some greek city state were fighting a war that the women did not want fought, so they woman all got together and castrated the statues one night, stone and wooden statues. the next morning the men woke up and found the ball-less statues and freaked out, thinking it was a sign from the gods. they made peace pretty quick. too bad this idea can't be recycled...

There are sound genetic reasons against incest. Unlike mastrubation and birth control.
yeah but over time people can develop an incest gene which protects them from such things

yeah but over time people can develop an incest gene which protects them from such things

that would be convienient...for the human race, I mean - not me personally...

I request that the Mods close down this thread, it's outright blasphoemy to any Believers, it's of no value, and is one of the stupidest things I have ever heard. Even non-believers won't want to read about this kind of crap.
i'm a "non-believer" and i love this kinda crap. it's funny, and it makes you think.

I read a latin manuscript where somebody dedicated a 9 foot tall golden penis to his mother in law. times have changed...
did she ever use it?

yeah but over time people can develop an incest gene which protects them from such things

do you even know the reason behind imbreeds, its because we are too genetically simular, the only way to prevetn imbreeds is to become less genetically identical

biblical law only applies when it aids them in controlling others
like they dont go around stopping you from eating shellfish (just as despicable as homosexuality, so says the bible)

did she ever use it?

that would hurt

I beleive lord krishna seduces both men and women in the bagivad ghita, or the ramayana, or one of those epic poems. I think they're usually considered either male or female, except for ganesh, who has a penis and breats and is something of a patron of homosexuals (the rituals they got up to in his temples...)
maybe thats where they coined the term gnashing of teeth?

i'm a "non-believer" and i love this kinda crap. it's funny, and it makes you think.

I'd comment on the quote you did, but I can't find it and it's not worth looking for. at any rate, it's a legitimate discussion, allthough there has been a bit of joking thrown in, that's not wrong, your bible says I should be stoned on about 5 different counts, and I don't petition to have IT banned, so you can just shut up, please.

maybe thats where they coined the term gnashing of teeth?

perhaps...

i think they have 10 arms because they kept it in the familyLOL LOL LOL

like they dont go around stopping you from eating shellfish (just as despicable as homosexuality, so says the bible)

yeah :roll: just like wearing earrings and doing physical labor on saturday...

erm, nothing, at the moment. ganesh comes to mind, elephant headed god with breats and a penis? if you must have something then that will do.
was he the first elephant man?

This is very possibly the greatest thread ever. :)

I bet Hermes was packin' some serious heat. ;)

we've already decided the winner, i have the biggest genitals, now BOW
is that how they invented the concept of bowing?

we've already decided the winner, i have the biggest genitals, now BOW
is that how they invented the concept of bowing?

I think this is them most hilarious if not retarded discussion ever. I'm a Christian and I can't stop laughing!!!!

P.S. all bow down to Ucation

Putting aside the issue of God's penis (or lack of one), I have my own little theory of what really happened. You see, Mary was just walking around trying to think up a way of getting a baby, which she could eat. Then she saw one just lying there in the back yard of some hut, and she took it. Now, later at the Pub (don't argue) the guys saw her and the baby (named Jesus, meaning Tasty in some wierd language), and asked "Hey Mary, whats up with the baby?". Now, Mary couldn't tell them that she was going to eat it, then she'd have to share, so she said "Umm... You see, this Angel thingy came down to me and said, "*poof*, the Lord has made you pregnant." And, sure enough, in 9 days (the Lord works in mysterious days) the baby was there". The guys at the Pub didn't quite buy that one, and asked for some proof. She said, the Lord (really, his Angel, but the Angel was kinda the Lords bitch) said that from now on, I shall be known as Virgin Mary. The guys thought that that was kinda catchy, and no way could a blonde like Mary have thought that up herself. Boy, if they only knew that Mary had bleached her hair.
I know that Mary

is that how they invented the concept of bowing?


I don't think you want to know how THAT tradition got started...

er...picking up sticks is not a euphanism - he was trying to get kindling for a fire and they killed him for "breaking the sabbath"
maybe they thought that picking up sticks had some kinda gay connotations?

Whatz a hermaphrodite
someone who can make love to themselve

do you even know the reason behind imbreeds, its because we are too genetically simular, the only way to prevetn imbreeds is to become less genetically identical
are you a science professor?

yeah :roll: just like wearing earrings and doing physical labor on saturday...

Now, this post is stupid for one reason only. That being that Christians are not subject to the Old Law of the Old Testament. Read the New Testament (you know, the one with the guy who gets crucified) to find out what the New Law is. Also, I might add that homosexuality is condemned in the New Law, while eating shellfish is not. God forbid the Jews from eating certain foods in the Old Testament (Old Law) because it prevented them from being exposed to various diseases. If you want proof, think about the various foods they were told not to eat, and then go look up exactly what can happen if you don't prepare those foods properly. For instance, what happens when you eat oysters that are contaminated with the Vibrio vulnificus bacterium.

Now, if you cannot comprehend the difference between the Old Law, which only Jews follow, and the New Law, which Christians follow, then you have no business commenting on the christian faith.

That said, I live in the South, and if I can refrain from committing incest with any of my 200 cousins, my sister, or any other relative, then the rest of you bozos should be able to as well.

Also, Jesus said "let he who is without blame cast the first stone" Anticarnivoria, so if by "your bible" you mean the Jews Bible, then yes you should be stoned. "My Bible," however, says no such thing. It is not really the fact that someone started a thread about whether or not God had a penis that offends me. I could care less about that. However, if you cannot refrain from making idiotic comments about my faith, at least make them accurate.

-Thank you and have a nice day.

I don't think you want to know how THAT tradition got started...
oh but I do :headbang:

an animal with both male and female sex organs. Hermes was a greek god, to whom statues with large penises were erected at crossroads, and aphrodite is a goddess of beauty and femininity - combined, you get hermaphrodite.

Well, you're almost right. The story is that Hermes and Aphrodite had a son hermaphroditus (did not make this up) who fled the embraces of a nymph named Salmacis. She got really pissed that he didn't want her, so she prayed to the Gods that her body be eternally united in his. For some reason the Gods granted her wish. They existed as one organism sharing the attributes of both male and female..."to the dismay of his parents, who preferred him as he had been, despite his newly found self sufficiency" --Direct Quote from Bernard Evslin's Gods, Demigods, & Demons

Well, you're almost right. The story is that Hermes and Aphrodite had a son hermaphroditus (did not make this up) who fled the embraces of a nymph named Salmacis. She got really pissed that he didn't want her, so she prayed to the Gods that her body be eternally united in his. For some reason the Gods granted her wish. They existed as one organism sharing the attributes of both male and female..."to the dismay of his parents, who preferred him as he had been, despite his newly found self sufficiency" --Direct Quote from Bernard Evslin's Gods, Demigods, & Demons

Huh, cool. Learn something new everyday. *cues that "The More You Know" jingle* And I heard that humans can have true hermaphrdites, however it wound't be on a physical level. It would be on a cellular level, with every other cell switching between male and female. At least, that's what I remember hearing on the Discovery channel a while ago.

As much as I think this is a joke. Explain how there are many witnesses to Jesus being born by Mary (Wise men, her husband, Shepherds, etc.). I believe the question is who impregnated her. If you like biblical conspiricy theories.
Maybe it was *gasp* Joseph!

a sacrifice! it has to be something important...like the president.
He's not that important. But you could throw in the rest of his administration as well.

He's not that important. But you could throw in the rest of his administration as well.
Let 'em buuuuuuuurrrnn!!!

Hmm does God have a penis? I would say yes. I once read in the books of Lilith that Adam wanted to have sex with Lilith, who contraru to popular believe was the first woman not Eve, and Lilith didn't want to. So she called out Gods true, secret name. And he took her away from Eden, out of reach of horny Adam. Who now went back to "spearing" the animals in the garden. Like he did before Lilith. Now God startet ravaging Lilith in Adams place.
She later became known as the Great Whore. That would make God her pimp.

God has a penis, a damn huge one. And he also has a vagina, just to keep the guys happy too. Remember kids! God is for everyone!

Hmm does God have a penis? I would say yes. I once read in the books of Lilith that Adam wanted to have sex with Lilith, who contraru to popular believe was the first woman not Eve, and Lilith didn't want to. So she called out Gods true, secret name. And he took her away from Eden, out of reach of horny Adam. Who now went back to "spearing" the animals in the garden. Like he did before Lilith. Now God startet ravaging Lilith in Adams place.
She later became known as the Great Whore. That would make God her pimp.

:eek: That's the strangest thing I've heard all day...lol

Penis and vagina, both? Mighty inconvenient...

Penis and vagina, both? Mighty inconvenient...

Well, you see, he can keep them in different places...because he's all knowing and whatever. So he could have his weiner on his forhead, and hoohaa on his back somewhere. And stay smooth around the bend just in case one of the disciples tries to kick him in the nuts. he's got it allllllllll worked out.

This post is in bad taste in the extreme. You can go ahead and disbelieve in various faiths, but to flame-bait like this is simply NOT acceptable. Please refrain from this in the future.

And... if you were wondering, that passage means we were created with the ability to see right from wrong, and have free will. GOD is noncorporeal.

Please, explain to me how the sexuality of a god is flamebait. Might I point out to you that sex and deities have a very long history. If I recall correctly, the Greek proto-god impregnated his own mother every night, and in the morning she gave birth to him. The Egyptian sun-god who would later become subsumed into Ra gave birth to the universe by masturbating. Osiris was murdered and torn into twelve peices by his brother Set, only to have all the peices but the penis sewn back together and restored to life by Isis. the Sumerian god Enlil raped his bride-to-be, creating the moon god (among whose names was, amusingly enough, "Sin").

Sexuality plays a very important role in the Jewish faith from which Christianity springs. A certain holy text defines how often a wife can demand, and expect to receive, sex, based on the occupation of her husband.

Furthermore, you forget that according to the Christian faith, God created Adam and Eve in their entirity. To condemn a necessary function (such as sex) as inherently filthy is to condemn the work of God Himself.

To now focus on the question, it might have once been said that God was a fully functional male, in the days when gods lived among their creations. However, in the four to five thousand years since then, gods have come to be seen, in the West at least, to be mainly ethereal and nonphysical in nature. "God is everywhere, God is everything", right? Well, wouldn't it follow that could could be man or woman as God chose?

Of course Gawd has a penis.
Gawds penis is his earthly avatar known as Goerge W. Bush.
It says so in the book of the Toucan.

Actually, I'm more curious about whether God would rather have Coke or Pepsi.

Thank you! I'll be here all week! Try the veal!

God is a spirit, not a physical being. Therefore, he..uh...it, has no penis.

Infidel! The Sacred Prophet Bird Toucan Dan gave me a message from Gawd and I have written every word down in the new Gawd insired book of the Toucan.
Don't believe me? I have The Sacred Prophet Bird in my living room right now!
Any way The sacred Prophet Bird ,blessings upon him, happened to mention that Gawd is a physical being. And yes! Gawd has a penis.

Gawds penis is mainly invisible though physical. The visible part of Gawds penis is doing good works in the world. Praise be the Holy Avatar!

By the way. I am a member of the Latter day Saints of the Virgin Dove, She is First Wife Of Gawd. It is a Christian Denomination. It is our job to present to Humanity the Original Inerrant Gawd Inspired Bible.

Unfortunetly The Sacred Prophet Bird Toucan Dan ate it and we have to wait until we can raise enough funds for a visit to the veterinarian.

Would you like to make a donation Infidel?

Huh, cool. Learn something new everyday. *cues that "The More You Know" jingle* And I heard that humans can have true hermaphrdites, however it wound't be on a physical level. It would be on a cellular level, with every other cell switching between male and female. At least, that's what I remember hearing on the Discovery channel a while ago.
are there tranny genes?

Hmm does God have a penis? I would say yes. I once read in the books of Lilith that Adam wanted to have sex with Lilith, who contraru to popular believe was the first woman not Eve, and Lilith didn't want to. So she called out Gods true, secret name. And he took her away from Eden, out of reach of horny Adam. Who now went back to "spearing" the animals in the garden. Like he did before Lilith. Now God startet ravaging Lilith in Adams place.
She later became known as the Great Whore. That would make God her pimp.
maybe this could also mean God was larger then Adam?

God has a penis, a damn huge one. And he also has a vagina, just to keep the guys happy too. Remember kids! God is for everyone! :D

There have been cases where women have XX and XY genes and chromosomes, and therefore are able... Without knowing about it, impregnate themselves....

The Virgin Mary.... a Lady who had no other explination but God.


I rest my Case.

There have been cases where women have XX and XY genes and chromosomes, and therefore are able... Without knowing about it, impregnate themselves....

The Virgin Mary.... a Lady who had no other explination but God.


I rest my Case.
you mean her chromosones lusted each other?

what christians, moslems, or anyone else sees fit to believe is not my concern, and i doubt very much that
it is that the nature of existence either.

if you could take any form you wanted, and create universes
out of nothing, what the hell would you want with a penis,
or being worshiped for that matter, unless you managed to
be able to do all that and still feel insecure at the same
time?

i doubt very much that physical form has very much to do
with the intinsic nature of anything nontangible
and that might very well go for the intrinsic intangableness
of our own awairnessess as well

=^^=
.../\...

They call God a guy because they didn't see breasts, but they never saw a penis either. God is probably niether. God wouldn't be perfect if he was forced to be one or the other.

what christians, moslems, or anyone else sees fit to believe is not my concern, and i doubt very much that
it is that the nature of existence either.

if you could take any form you wanted, and create universes
out of nothing, what the hell would you want with a penis,
or being worshiped for that matter, unless you managed to
be able to do all that and still feel insecure at the same
time?

i doubt very much that physical form has very much to do
with the intinsic nature of anything nontangible
and that might very well go for the intrinsic intangableness
of our own awairnessess as well

=^^=
.../\...I cant imagine life without my penis-but then again Im just a lowly mortal

They call God a guy because they didn't see breasts, but they never saw a penis either. God is probably niether. God wouldn't be perfect if he was forced to be one or the other.
maybe God experiences things thru us

Actually, if you want to take the Bible literally, God has a penis ... it's called "Yesod" ... look it up.

Actually, if you want to take the Bible literally, God has a penis ... it's called "Yesod" ... look it up.
oh so thats where the tradition of naming your penis came from--is there a translation for that name?

And if he has a penis is it one of them circumsized, veiny ones or a smooth one with foreskin? Naturally a penis has a foreskin, so God probably has his - there is after all, nobody to circumsize him.

ALso note that Eve was not made by god (or in his image) but from a rib of Adam, thus Eve is flawed by default and not god-like.

Call me a Christian Fundamentalist, but this thread is absurd.


Why is it always about Christianity? Why can't it be about some other religion? This almost feels like an attack on Christianity, veiled in "humor".

What about Buddha's penis? He's so fat, does he even have one? SEE? This is a pointless discussion.

I can't believe people can't just accept other religions and have to ask really, really stupid questions.

God gave man a penis because obviously man has to reproduce, whereas God has always existed, outside of our linear perception of time. God is a spirit. The "in his own image" line has been debated by Christians for a long time regarding its true meaning, and until the Hebrew text of that is properly translated, we may never know EXACTLY what it means. But we can infer.

As for this thread... it has become a Christianity bashing thread as these all do. :sigh:

This reminds me a little of how the ancient egyptians believed that the world was created by a God masturbating.

...

That was a totally random and useless fact, I don't know why I brought it up.

I thought it was one god going after another god ... errr, god-ess, and his " seed " ... you know, mis-directing during the chase, falling onto yonder stuff bellow. I am not sure where I picked this up, I think it was an aside fact in the Mask of Ra ( fiction, book ) or what-ever it was called ... I'm might go dig it up later and check.

oh so thats where the tradition of naming your penis came from--is there a translation for that name?

Yesod is the 9th sephirah, the phallus of God. It means "foundation".

This reminds me a little of how the ancient egyptians believed that the world was created by a God masturbating.

...

That was a totally random and useless fact, I don't know why I brought it up.

Why are you going to wrong sites?

If he has a penis, does he have a scrotum too? And if so, can he shoot his seed? How far? How much? What if he fucked a human woman, would she have another Jesus baby or would she explode? Hmm.. endless possibilities.

I think its sort of like how you can see someones image in fog but you cant tell details. BUT better questions would be...

If we are exactly in gods image, therefore he does have a penis... Why does he have things like big toes?? There to keep balance.

And if he does have a penis... is he curcumsized?? He commanded his people to be back in the day.

I think its sort of like how you can see someones image in fog but you cant tell details. BUT better questions would be...

If we are exactly in gods image, therefore he does have a penis... Why does he have things like big toes?? There to keep balance.

And if he does have a penis... is he curcumsized?? He commanded his people to be back in the day.

This is so idiotic, you are thinking of that phrase as only physical.

Someone respond to me. This is so absurd. All of you just want an outlet to bash Christianity.

In the Bible it says

"God created man in his own image"

So do you Christians believe that god actually has a penis?

If so what does he use it for? If he has no-one to mate with that is?

Does he just use it to urinate?

Or did he create the world in a 7 day masturbation session?

Atheists - if you want to stray away from the growing popular consent that you are just as fundamentalist as Religious bigots, why not stop making threads such as this. This is the popular opinion that religious people have of atheists - why not try and change it?

Well how else did he create us in his image?? We deffinetly dont have his knowledge or didnt to start with. We started out only knowing good intelligent but not knowing bad. Till they ate from the tree of knowledge. So how else if not looks or knowledge are we like him??

Actually this reminds me of the scene in Monty Pythons The Meaning of Life where the school boys and the master are in prayer, and praise god for being so very, very big.

:D

This is so idiotic, you are thinking of that phrase as only physical.

Someone respond to me. This is so absurd. All of you just want an outlet to bash Christianity.

Now, I'm going to sit and laugh at the people claiming they are being flammed running around trying to provoke it. Just stop it, all of you.

If you can't face people discussing this, then cease reading it. The rest of us are trying to debate without threat of one of our innocent number being led down the merry path to a thread lock.

Why is this guy that was crying that no one answered him... not returning an answer?? Ive waited for like forever. Im going to bed.

Why is it always about Christianity? Why can't it be about some other religion? This almost feels like an attack on Christianity, veiled in "humor".: Why is it always about christianity? Why dont you ask the fundys.
Please convert as many of them as possible to you church. It would be appreciated greatly.

What about Buddha's penis? He's so fat, does he even have one? SEE? This is a pointless discussion.: Does The Buddha say that you are a sinner and are going to hell for worshiping jehovah and Jesus? NO.
How many Wars have ever been in the name of The Buddha? NONE.
How many people have been tortured to death or exterminated in the name of The Buddha? NONE.
Does The Buddha want a nation under his thumb? NO.
Does the Buddha need to lose a few pounds? As far as I'm concerned The Buddha has been an equally good example of a perfect human being as Lord Jesus.
Too bad People dont just read Jesus and keep thier ignorant noses out of the O.T. I doubt Jesus approves of how the christian bibles are so confusing for every day folks to follow.
We shouldnt need "Scholars" or Priests to tell us what God has to say. Our relationships with God should be a personal affair without any middle men. Besides we will never know if we are being lied to by the "scholars" or priests/pastors/whatever.

I can't believe people can't just accept other religions .:
If you are a true believer of an inerrant "holy" book then all I have to say is "Pot meet Kettle."
If you are a liberal christian please forgive me. Blame the fundies they are the troublemakers that piss people like me off.

God gave man a penis because obviously man has to reproduce, whereas God has always existed, outside of our linear perception of time. God is a spirit. The "in his own image" line has been debated by Christians for a long time regarding its true meaning, and until the Hebrew text of that is properly translated, we may never know EXACTLY what it means. But we can infer.:
Do you really think God needs or chooses to have a penis because of what a book says? Flexability is Superior to Rigidity. Screw the literal interpretations and just focus on the morals of the story without throwing reason and love out the window.

As for this thread... it has become a Christianity bashing thread as these all do. :sigh:
You dont like it? Then stop being a fence sitter and rebuke the fundys every chance you get. They are your fellow christians. You are united by Christ. They give you a bad name. Deal with your lowbrow knuckle scraping brethren.

Obviously God is suffering from PENIS ENVY. That's why he needs people to mindlessly worship him instead of questioning the universe. I would also explain his hatred of the other gods... they have bigger dongs than him :p

http://www.christusrex.org/www1/sistine/4b-Adam.jpg

God clearly has nipples and judging by Adam's little noodle *points and laughs* and if God created man is his image then...

God is hung like a tic-tac.

Obviously God is suffering from PENIS ENVY. That's why he needs people to mindlessly worship him instead of questioning the universe. I would also explain his hatred of the other gods... they have bigger dongs than him :p
ROFL!!! HAHAHA!!! Yes I bet gawd (jehovah) is very envious of everyones penis.
Because everyones penis is bigger than his penis.

However The Creator (God) has never asked me to worship it. Yet I do anyways.
I have no proof of the Creator to show anyone else. I'm ok with that.
And for those that don't believe in a Creator , So What? I bet God appreciates honesty over hypocracy every time. God never told me to hate atheists. God has never told me to hate anyone or call them sinners based only on superstition. The only Inerrant testament of God is the Universe. Or at least thats what my --->GUESS<--- is. I could be wrong though.