NationStates Jolt Archive

I have seen too few Soviet jokes about WWII. But there seems to be enough ex soviet types on the forum.

Explanatory note :
Russian "Kukushka" = European cuckoo. There is a superstition is that the number of times you hear the cuckoo call is the number of years you have left to live.
Russian "Hans" = slang for German, used as typical soldiers name, similar as US "Fritz" or UK "Jerry", German "Tommy" for brit etc. Typically pronounced as "Gans", like in Gamburg and Adolf Gitler.


WWII. The front. A wounded Russian razvedchik (recce soldier) is desparately crawling through the forest, bleeding heavily. Somewhere in the distance through the trees a cuckoo begins to call. The wounded soldier becomes sentimental and calls out "Kukushka, kukushka, tell me, how long do I have to live?". The cuckoo becomes silent, but the Russian hears an answer from the bushes : "Ein kuku, zwei kuku. Hans, feuer"

I have seen too few Soviet jokes about WWII. But there seems to be enough ex soviet types on the forum.

Explanatory note :
Russian "Kukushka" = European cuckoo. There is a superstition is that the number of times you hear the cuckoo call is the number of years you have left to live.
I think thats not just a Russian thing.



WWII. The front. A wounded Russian razvedchik (recce soldier) is desparately crawling through the forest, bleeding heavily. Somewhere in the distance through the trees a cuckoo begins to call. The wounded soldier becomes sentimental and calls out "Kukushka, kukushka, tell me, how long do I have to live?". The cuckoo becomes silent, but the Russian hears an answer from the bushes : "Ein kuku, zwei kuku. Hans, feuer"
:D Good one. :D
And it's kukuk in German.

I couldn't find any jokes about ww2 Soviets. So these will have to do.

Why do KGB men always come in threes? One to write a report, one to read it, and one to check up on the 2 intellectuals

A man walks into a grocery store with a notebook. "Do you have sausage?" "No." He makes a note. "Bread?" "No." He makes another note. "20 years ago, they would have shot you for making notes like that," says a woman waiting in line. "No bullets either," he writes.

An American and a Soviet soldier kill each other and end up at the pearly gates
at the same time. Peter says" well, we have national division in hell as well,
but you may choose where you'd like to go. There is an American hell and a
Russian hell."
American: what's the difference?
Peter: well, in the American hell you have to eat a shovel of shit a day.
Russian: and in Russian hell?
Peter: two shovels of shit.
American: I'll go to American hell.
Russian: well, two shovels of shit, it's not nice, but I was a Russian alive
and I died a Russian and I'll go to Russian hell.
Millenniums later, the same two soldiers end up doing sentry duty at the
checkpoint at the border between American and Russian hell at the same time.
Russian: Hi hi hi! How you doing! Long time no see!
American: Hey! How are you, you look good!
Russian: how is it over there in American hell?
American: oh, one shovel of shit a day, you get used to it. How about Russian
hell?
Russian: well, you know how it is, one day there's no shit, the next day no
shovels. . .

:p like I posted too :p

In soviet union the bad jokes laugh you.

WWII, the front, someplace the front is static and trenches run close. A Soviet infantry unit has been rushed to the front far too soon. They have had iron discipline and parade ground drill hammered into them, but missed the actual combat training part.

So, next day a angry German landser is hurling swearwords across the lines adressing the questionable parentage of all the Soviet leadership (think Sven Hassel). The Russians stoically fail to react to abuse of Stalin, Lenin et al, but as the Landser says "and as for Zhukov, that son of...", a Russian private suddenly snaps to attention. Fritz is stunned, but the Russian stands still until a German sentry guns him down. Astonished discussion follow, and the Germans begin to methodically experiment.

They discover that Russian privates will apparently leap to attention as their names are called, and have not been taught what to do next.... HIWI's with loudspeakers are bought up, and so a dreadfull massacre starts:

"You, Petrov!" - two privates stand, and are shot.
"HEY, IVANOV!" - at least a platoon leaps up, and is machinegunned.
On the Soviet side the helpless Russian soldiers cower in their trench, start lighting last cigarettes,
-"Novikov!" (gunfire, screams) -
The Russians await each new name with dread, some scribble despairing letters,
"Sidorov!" - Ivan Petrovich and Igor Nikolayovich do their duty as taught and stand to attention (ripping sound of MG 42 burst, screams, blood, thud of body parts)
Those who have vodka are hastily using it with trembling hands...
"Smirnov!" (terror, shooting, agonised groans)
In one trench a terrified central asian type cringes in a corner, whimpering "Please God, anything but Abdulrakhmanov, anything but Abdulrakhmanov...".

Just to keep them on the first page:


G. W. Bush and Putin are cryogenically frozen for half a century, give it or take it some years. After this automated system revives and releases them (don't ask why they were locked up in the first place).

So... Time flies past and 2 leaders return to world. First thing they do is go to newsstand and get newspapers. Putin is faster reader and comes up with something amusing since he starts laughing. GW naturally wants to know what's up... "Democrats have both congress and white house for seventh time in a row!" responds Putin. Bush naturally is not very happy.

GW reads on and soon starts laughing, this naturally makes Putin very curious... "I just read that China and Finland are again having a border dispute" answers Bush.

A Czech walks into a police station in 1968 during the Fraternal Assistance.

Czech: Hey, out there in the street, a Swiss soldier knocked me down and took my Russian watch.

Desk Sergeant: Come again?

Czech: Are you deaf? Out there in the street, a Swiss soldier knocked me down and took my Russian watch.

Desk Sergeant: You're confused. It was a Russian soldier who knocked you down and took your Swiss watch.

Czech: Well, maybe, but you said it, not me.

Soviet leaders Josef Stalin, Nikita Khrushchev and Leonid Brezhnev are traveling by train. Suddenly, the train grinds to a halt.
Stalin is the first to try to solve the problem. He orders that the engine driver be shot for sabotage and he deports the co-driver to Siberia. The train doesn’t move.
Khrushchev tries next. He brings the co-driver back from Siberia and tells him, “You’ve been away for a long time, but try to remember which controls do what.” He can’t and the train doesn’t move.
Finally, Brezhnev gives it a go. He orders that all the blinds be drawn across the windows and that passengers start rocking back and forth in their seats—creating, at least, the impression the train’s moving.

Newly installed Soviet leader Juri Andropov receives a letter from recently deceased Leonid Brezhnev.
“I’m in hell,” it reads. “It’s not that bad here. But please send me a fork and knife. When Hitler’s on duty, he always forces me to eat with a hammer and sickle.”

Great ones Feldmarchal Von Witzleben!

Doctor's office

There's nothing worse than a snotty doctor's receptionist who insist you tell her what is wrong in a room full of other patients. I know most of us have experienced this. You got to love the way this old guy handled it.
An 86 year old man walked into a crowded doctor's office. As he approached the desk, the receptionist said, "Yes sir, what are you seeing the doctor for today?"
"There's something wrong with my dick," he replied.
The receptionist became irritated and said, "You shouldn't come into
a crowded office and say things like that."
"Why not? You asked me what was wrong and I told you," he said.
The receptionist replied, "You've obviously caused some
self-embarrassment in this room full of people! . You should have said
there is something wrong with your ear or something and then
discussed the problem further with the doctor in private." The man replied, "You shouldn't ask people things in a room full of others, if the answer could embarrass anyone." The man walked out, waited several minutes and then re-entered.
The receptionist smiled smugly and asked, "Yes?"
"There's something wrong with my ear," he stated. The receptionist nodded approvingly and smiled, knowing he had taken her advice.
"And what is wrong with your ear, Sir?"
"I can't piss out of it," the man replied.
The doctor's office erupted in laughter

Shite... my contemporary history professor just edited a book full of russian jokes...I must get it and translate em here. That train joke has all the soviet leaders in the train Von Wizleben...

Shite... my contemporary history professor just edited a book full of russian jokes...I must get it and translate em here. That train joke has all the soviet leaders in the train Von Wizleben...

GET THE BOOK :D

That train joke has all the soviet leaders in the train Von Wizleben...
Ja, so?

Ja, so.. nothing... but here goes:

During the Helsinki meeting pres. Carter asked Brezhnev if he collected jokes about himself as Carter did. "Of course" - Brezhnev said... "How many now?" Carter asked. - "Two gulags full" Brezhnev said

Brezhnev and Napoleon met in thereafter. " I wish we had a general like you instead of Stalin, we would have beaten Hitler like nothing!" said Brezhnev.
"I wish I had a newspaper like Pravda" Said Napoleon, and added: "the world wouldn't have known about Waterloo"

Harold Wilson was visiting Leonid Brezhnev in Moscow. On the way f´rom the airport to the Kreml Wilson felt terrible urge to pee. "Wait a minute, there's a place", said Leonid and ordered the car to drive in fron of this elegant building. The were fancy carpets and a fountain and velvet carpets.
Brezhnev pissed on the floor, washed his hands in the fountain and dried his hands on the curtains... Wilson thought he should do as his host, and did the same.
"Are you ready?" asked Brezhnev
"Sure", said Wilson
"Good, Lets run, this is the Chinese embassy!" said Brezhnev.


too much work translating these... later