NationStates Jolt Archive

Submit your funniest political joke here for a prize.

Why do anarchists drink powdered tea?

Because property is theft.

Republicans in Hell

While walking down the street one day, a Republican head of state is tragically hit by a truck and dies. His soul arrives in heaven and is met by St. Peter at the entrance.

"Welcome to Heaven," says St. Peter. "Before you settle in, it seems there is a problem. We seldom see a high official around these parts, you see, so we're not sure what to do with you."

"No problem, just let me in." says the Republican.

"Well, I'd like to but I have orders from higher up. What we'll do is have you spend one day in Hell and one in Heaven. Then you can choose where to spend eternity."

"Really, I've made up my mind. I want to be in Heaven," says the Republican head of state.

"I'm sorry but we have our rules." And with that, St. Peter escorts the Republican to the elevator and he goes down, down, down to Hell. The doors open and he finds himself in the middle of a green golf course. In the distance is a club and standing in front of it are all his friends and other politicians who had worked with him, everyone is very happy and in evening dress. They run to greet him, hug him, and reminisce about the good times they had while getting rich at expense of the people. They play a friendly game of golf and then dine on lobster and caviar. Also present is the Devil (a Republican, too), who really is a very friendly guy who has a good time dancing and telling jokes.

They are having such a good time that, before he realizes it, it is time to go. Everyone gives him a big hug and waves while the elevator
rises. The elevator goes up, up, up and the door reopens on Heaven where St. Peter is waiting for him.

"Now it's time to visit Heaven." So 24 hours pass with the Republican head of state joining a group of contented souls moving from cloud to cloud, playing the harp and singing. They have a good time and, before he realizes it, the 24 hours have gone by and St. Peter returns.

"Well then, you've spent a day in Hell and another in Heaven. Now choose your eternity."

He reflects for a minute, then the head of state answers: "Well, I would never have thought it, I mean Heaven has been delightful, but I think I would be better off in Hell."

So Saint Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down, down, down to Hell. Now the doors of the elevator open and he is in the middle of a barren land covered with waste and garbage. He sees all his friends, dressed in rags, picking up the trash and putting it in black bags. The Devil comes over to the Republican and lays an arm on his neck.

"I don't understand," stammers the Republican head of state. Yesterday I was here and there was a golf course and club and we ate lobster and caviar and danced and had a great time. Now all there is a wasteland full of garbage and my friends look miserable.

The Devil looks at him, smiles and says, "Yesterday we were campaigning. Today you voted for us!"

i've already heard that joke. Beth Troutman used it at a democratic meating when she was referring to robin Hayes

i think she's pretty hot.

http://www.bethtroutman.com/

The Great Wizard of Oz

"The last four ex-U.S. Presidents are caught in a tornado, and off they whirled to OZ. They finally make it to the Emerald City and came before the Great Wizard.

"WHAT BRINGS YOU BEFORE THE GREAT WIZARD OF OZ?"

Jimmy Carter stepped forward timidly:" I've come for some courage."

"NO PROBLEM!" says the Wizard. "WHO IS NEXT?"

Ronald Reagan steps forward, "Well........., I.......I think I need a brain."

"DONE" says the Wizard. "WHO COMES NEXT BEFORE THE GREAT AND POWERFUL OZ?"

Up stepped George Bush sadly, "I'm told by the American people that I need a heart."

"I'VE HEARD IT'S TRUE!" says the Wizard. "CONSIDER IT DONE."

There is a great silence in the hall. Bill Clinton is just standing there, looking around, but doesn't say a word. Irritated, the Wizard finally asks, "WHAT DO YOU WANT?"

"Is Dorothy here?""

Bill, Hillary and the Lockbox

When Bill and Hillary first got married, Bill said, "I am putting a box under the bed. You must promise never to look in it." In all their 25 years of marriage, Hillary never looked.

However, on the afternoon of their 25th anniversary, curiosity got the best of her and she lifted the lid and peeked inside. In the box were three empty beer cans and $81,874.25 in cash. She closed the box and put it back under the bed. Now that she knew what was in the box, she was curious as to why.

That evening they were out for a special dinner. After dinner, Hillary could no longer contain her curiosity and she confessed, saying, "I am so sorry. For all these years I kept my promise and never looked into the box under our bed. However, today the temptation was too much and I gave in. But now I need to know, why do you keep the cans in the box?"

Bill thought for a while and said, "I guess after all these years you deserve to know the truth. Whenever I was unfaithful to you I put an empty beer can in the box under the bed to remind myself not to do it again."

Hillary was shocked, but said, "Hmmm, Jennifer, Paula, and Monica. I am very disappointed and saddened but temptation does happen and I guess that three times is not that bad considering the years." So they hugged and made their peace.

Then Hillary asked Bill, "So why do you have all that money in the box?" Bill answered sheepishly, "Well, whenever the box filled up with empty cans, I took them to the recycling center and redeemed them for cash."

What do you get when you order a 'Hillary Clinton' at KFC?

Two breasts and a left wing.

Best Political Joke:
Tony Blairs Labour Manifesto for 2004

What this abouta prize?

just a little incentive to keep this link going.

How many "anarcho"-capitalists does it take to change a lightbulb?

None. If it needed changing, the market would do it.

WASHINGTON (Reuters) - A tragic fire on Monday destroyed the personal library of President George W. Bush. Both of his books have been lost. Presidential spokesman Ari Fleischer said the president was devastated, as he had not finished coloring the second one.

Careful When Playing Golf
Author Unknown

Two lesbians were out playing golf. They tee off and one drive goes to the right and one drive goes to the left. One of them finds her ball in a patch of buttercups. She grabs a club and takes a mighty swing at the ball. She hits a beautiful second shot, but in the process she hacks the hell out of the buttercups.

Suddenly a woman appears out of nowhere. She blocks her path to her golfbag and looks at her and says, "I'm Mother Nature, and I don't like the way you treated my buttercups. From now on, you won't be able to stand the taste of butter. Each time you eat butter you will become physically ill to the point of total nausea." The mystery woman then disappears as quickly as she appeared.

Shaken, the woman calls out to her partner, "Hey, where's your ball?"

"It's over here in the pussy willows."

She screams back, "DON'T HIT THE BALL!!!! DON'T HIT THE BALL!!!!"

One day an old rooster who was the king of the hen house is approached by a young strong rooster who says, "You have been king of this hen house for a long time. It is time for me to step in and take over so I am calling you out. If I can take you in a fight, then I will become king of the roost."

The old rooster replies, "I know I have gotten old and you can probably knock my block off. I really don't want to fight you. I am willing to step down from my position but I want to do it with dignity. Let's have a race. We will race around the hen house three times. If you let me lead the first two laps, I will feel like I have had my final moment of glory and will step down as king of the hen house. You can pass me at the beginning of the third lap, win the race, and step in as the new king of the roost."

The young rooster agrees and the race begins. The old rooster is getting pretty tired by the end of the second lap and the young rooster starts to close in to make the pass and lead the final lap.

Just then, there is a series of shoot gun blasts from the farm house. The young rooster is blown away and sent spinning across the barn yard. Over on the farm house porch, the farmer puts down his shotgun, turns to his wife and says, "Damn it Mildred, that is the third gay rooster we have had this week!!"

What happened to the politicalness?

Up in Heaven, Alexander the Great, Frederick the Great and Napoleon are looking
down on events in Iraq.

Alexander says, "Wow, if I had just one of Bush's armored divisions, I would
definitely have conquered India."

Frederick the Great states, "Surely if I only had a few squadrons of Bush's air
force I would have won the Seven Years War decisively in a matter of weeks."

There is a long pause as the three continue to watch events. Then Napoleon
speaks, "And if I only had that Fox News, no one would have ever known that I
lost the Russia campaign."

Enough is Enough..

It's time to reevaluate our involvement!

Every day there are news reports about more deaths. Every night on TV
there are photos of death and destruction. Why are we still there?

We occupied this land, which we had to take by force, but it causes us
nothing but trouble. Why are we still there?

Many of our children go there and never come back. Why are we still there?

Their government is unstable, and they have loopy leadership. Why are we
still there?

Many of their people are uncivilized. Why are we still there?

The place is subject to natural disasters, which we are supposed to bail
them out of. Why are we still there?

There are more than 1000 religious sects, which we do not understand. Why
are we still there?

Their folkways, foods and fads are unfathomable to ordinary Americans. Why
are we still there?

We can't even secure the borders. Why are we still there?

They are billions of dollars in debt and it will cost billions more to
rebuild, which we can't afford. Why are we still there?

.. down...


It is becoming clear...
WE MUST PULL OUT OF CALIFORNIA !!!!!!!!!

Who Said That?
It was the first day of school in Marietta, Georgia, and a new student named Suzuki, the son of a Japanese businessman, entered the fourth grade.

The teacher said, "Let's begin by reviewing some American history. Who said 'Give me Liberty, or give me Death?'"

She saw a sea of blank faces, except for Suzuki, who had his hand up. "Patrick Henry, 1775," he said.

"Very good! Who said 'Government of the people, by the people, for the people, shall not perish from the earth'"? Again, no response except from Suzuki. "Abraham Lincoln, 1863.", said Suzuki.

The teacher snapped at the class, "Class, you should be ashamed. Suzuki, who is new to our country, knows more about its history than you do." he heard a loud whisper: "Fuck the Japs."

"Who said that?" she demanded. Suzuki put his hand up. "Lee Iacocca, 1982." At that point, a student in the back said, "I'm gonna puke."

The teacher glares and asks "All right! Now, who said that?" Again, Suzuki says, "George Bush to the Japanese Prime Minister, 1991."

Now furious, another student yells, "Oh yeah? Suck this!" Suzuki jumps out of his chair waving his hand and shouts to the teacher: "Bill Clinton, to Monica Lewinsky, 1997!"

Now with almost a mob hysteria someone said, "You little shit. If you say anything else, I'll kill you." Suzuki frantically yells at the top of his voice, "Gary Condit to Chandra Levy 2001."

The teacher fainted. And as the class gathered around the teacher on the floor, someone said, "Oh shit, we're fucked."

Suzuki said, "The Taliban! 2001"

A construction worker on the 3rd floor of a building needs a handsaw so he sees another man on the 1st floor. He yells down to him, but he can't hear, so he does sign language. The man on the 3rd floor does sign language. He points at his eye meaning "I", points at his knee meaning "need", and moves his hand back and forth in a handsaw motion. The man on the 1st floor nods his head, pulls down his pants, and starts masturbating. The man on the 3rd floor gets so angry he runs down to the 1st floor and says,"What the fuck is wrong with you dumbass? I said I need handsaw!!" The other guy says," I knew that, I was just trying to tell you I'm coming."

What do you get when you cross an Elephant with a Rino??

........Elephino :eek:

How many Pollocks does it take to screw in a light bulb.

.........101! One to hold the light bulb the other hundred to turn the house!

Why are there trees along the Champs-Elysees?

So the Germans can march in the shade.

um, now that the jokes are getting racist and decidedly non-political, I gotta say...

chau.

Why do anarchists drink powdered tea?

Because property is theft.
I like a person willing to make fun of himself. Good for you.

And here's another one :)

Two dwarfs go into a bar, where they pick up two girls and take them to their separate hotel rooms.

The first dwarf, however, is unable to get an erection. His depression is made worse by the fact that, from the next room, he hears his little friend shouting out cries of "Here I come again ...ONE, TWO, THREE...UUH!" all night long.

In the morning, the second dwarf asks the first, "How did it go?" The first mutters, "It was so embarrassing. I simply couldn't get a hard on."

The second dwarf shook his head. "You think that's embarrassing?"

"I couldn't even get on the bed".

Pfizer Corp. announced today that VIAGRA will soon be available in liquid form and will be marketed by Pepsi Cola as a power beverage
suitable for use as a mixer. It will now be possible for a man to
literally pour himself a stiff one. Obviously we can no longer
call this a soft drink, and it gives new meaning to the names
of "cocktails", "highballs" and just a good old fashioned "stiff drink".
Pepsi will market the new concoction by the name of "MOUNT & DO.
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A young man was sitting in class when the professor asked him if
he knew what the Roe vs. Wade decision was. He sat quietly,
pondering this profound question. Finally, after giving it a
lot of thought, he sighed and said, "I think this was the
decision George Washington made prior to crossing the Delaware."
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A husband read an article to his wife about how many words women
use a day.... 30,000 to a man's 15,000 words. The wife replied,
"The reason has to be because a woman has to say everything
twice". The husband then turned to his wife and asked, "What?"
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A man said to his wife one day, "I don't know how you can be so
stupid and so beautiful all at the same time". The wife
responded, "Allow me to explain it to you. God made me beautiful
so you would be attracted to me; God made me stupid so I would
be attracted to you!"
------------------------------------------------------------------

A couple drove down a country road for several miles, not saying a
word. An earlier discussion had led to an argument and neither of
them wanted to concede their position. As they passed a barnyard of mules, goats and pigs, the wife asked sarcastically, "Relatives of yours?" "Yep," the husband replied, "in-laws."
------------------------------------------------------------------

Dear Editor:

Thank you for giving me the opportunity to speak my mind. I lost my job this past year. When Clinton was president I was secure and prosperous, but in the last year, we had to close our operations. We simply could not compete with foreign labor. This foreign labor worked for low pay under very bad conditions.

They worked very long shifts, and many even died on the job. This competition could hardly be called "fair." I was forced out of the place where I had worked for 34 years. Not a single government program was there to help me.

How can Bush call himself "compassionate?" Far worse, I lost two of my sons in Bush's evil war in Iraq. They gave their lives for their country, and for what? So that Bush's oil buddies can get rich. My pain of losing my sons is indescribable.

While it is trivial next to the loss of my sons, I regret to say that I also lost my home. I simply have nothing left. How can Bush call himself a Christian when he neglects people like me? I am a senior citizen with various medical problems. I'm not in a position where I can begin a new career. I was reduced to the point where I had to live like an animal, all because of President Bush.

And when the authorities found me there, did they have any compassion for my misfortune and ailments? No, I was arrested. Mr. Bush, I dare you to look me in the face and tell me you are a compassionate man! I dare you to look me in the face and tell me you are a Christian! If I had any money left, I would donate it to the Democrat Party.

If Al Gore had been elected in 2000 I would still have a job, a home, and most importantly, my dear sons!


Regards,




Saddam Hussein
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> THE ROBIN WILLIAMS PEACE PLAN
>
> This may very well be the best thought out item we have read since 9/11/01.
> Leave it to Robin Williams to come up with the perfect plan ... what we need now is for our UN Ambassador to stand up and repeat this message.

>
> I see a lot of people yelling for peace but I have not heard of a plan for peace. So, here's one plan.
>
> 1. The US will apologize to the world for our "interference" in their affairs, past & present. You know, Hitler, Mussolini, Tojo, Noriega, Milosovich and the rest of those good ol' boys: We will never "interfere" again.
>
> 2. We will withdraw our troops from all over the world, starting with Germany, South Korea and the Philippines. They don't want us there. We would station troops at our borders. No one sneaking through holes in the fence.
>
> 3. All illegal aliens have 90 days to get their affairs together and leave. We'll give them a free trip home. After 90 days the remainder will be gathered up and deported immediately, regardless of who or where they are. France would welcome them.
>
>
> 4. All future visitors will be thoroughly checked and limited to 90 days unless given a special permit. No one from a terrorist nation would be allowed in. If you don't like it there, change it yourself and don't hide here. Asylum would never be available to anyone. We don't need any more cab drivers or 7-11 cashiers.
>
> 5. No "students" over age 21. The older ones are the bombers. If they don't attend classes, they get a "D" (for "deport") and it's back home baby.
>
> 6. The US will make a strong effort to become self-sufficient energy wise. This will include developing non-polluting sources of energy but will require a temporary drilling of oil in the Alaskan wilderness. The caribou will have to cope for a while.
>
> 7. Offer Saudi Arabia and other oil producing countries $10 a barrel for their oil. If they don't like it, we go some place else. They can go somewhere else to sell their production. (About a week of the wells filling up the storage sites would be enough.)
>
> 8. If there is a famine or other natural catastrophe in the world, we will not "interfere." They can pray to Allah or whomever for seeds, rain, cement or whatever they need. Besides, most of what we give them is stolen or given to the Army. The people who need it most get very little, if anything.
>
> 9. Ship the UN Headquarters to an isolated island some place. We don't need the spies and fair weather friends here. Besides, the building would make a good homeless shelter or lockup for illegal aliens.
>
> 10. All Americans must go to charm and beauty school. That way no one can call us "Ugly Americans" any longer. The language we speak is ENGLISH.....learn it...speak it...or LEAVE...
>
> Now, ain't that a winner of a plan.
> The Statue of Liberty is no longer saying "Give me your poor, your tired, your huddled masses." She's got a baseball bat and she's yelling, "You want a piece of me?"

-----------------------------------------------------------------------

On their way to get married, a young couple are involved in a fatal car
accident. The couple find themselves sitting outside the Pearly Gates
waiting for St. Peter to process them into Heaven.

While waiting, they wondered: Could they possibly get married in Heaven?
When St. Peter shows up, they asked him. St. Peter says, "I don't know. This is the first time anyone has asked. Let me go find out," and he leaves. The couple sat there and waited for an answer. . . . . . for a couple of months.

While they waited, they discussed that IF they were allowed to get married in Heaven, what if it doesn't work out? Are we stuck together FOREVER?

Finally after several months, St. Peter returns, looking somewhat bedraggled. "Yes," he informs the couple, "you CAN get married in Heaven." "Great!" said the couple, "But we were just wondering, what if
things don't work out? Could we also get a divorce in Heaven?"

St. Peter, red-faced with anger, slams his clipboard onto the ground.
"What's wrong?" asked the frightened couple. "OH, COME ON!!" St. Peter shouts, "It took me three months to find a priest up here! Do you have ANY idea how long it'll take me to find a LAWYER?"


That's all for now...more to come, I'm sure.

Difference Between Republicans and Democrats

A Republican and a Democrat were walking down the street when they came to a homeless person. The Republican gave the homeless person his business card and told him to come to his business for a job. He then took twenty dollars out of his pocket and gave it to the homeless person.

The Democrat was very impressed, and when they came to another homeless person, he decided to help. He walked over to the homeless person and gave him directions to the welfare office. He then reached into the Republican's pocket and gave the homeless person fifty dollars.

Now you understand the difference between Republicans and Democrats

http://politicalhumor.about.com/library/graphics/kerry_bunnysuit_small.jpg

http://politicalhumor.about.com/library/graphics/kerry_bunnysuit_small.jpg


John Kerry's Homosexual Male Stylist:
"Oh, the baby-blue bunny suit, I love that one on you, it is just fabulous, It matches with your eyes, oh John, you look sooooooooo cute in that one!"
John Kerry:
"Are you sure, I mean, it seems kind of..."
Stylist:
"Oh it is fabulous, just get down on your knees like a baby, and let me take a picture"
*snap*
*flash*
Picture taken!

Who Said That?
It was the first day of school in Marietta, Georgia, and a new student named Suzuki, the son of a Japanese businessman, entered the fourth grade.

The teacher said, "Let's begin by reviewing some American history. Who said 'Give me Liberty, or give me Death?'"

She saw a sea of blank faces, except for Suzuki, who had his hand up. "Patrick Henry, 1775," he said.

"Very good! Who said 'Government of the people, by the people, for the people, shall not perish from the earth'"? Again, no response except from Suzuki. "Abraham Lincoln, 1863.", said Suzuki.

The teacher snapped at the class, "Class, you should be ashamed. Suzuki, who is new to our country, knows more about its history than you do." he heard a loud whisper: "Fuck the Japs."

"Who said that?" she demanded. Suzuki put his hand up. "Lee Iacocca, 1982." At that point, a student in the back said, "I'm gonna puke."

The teacher glares and asks "All right! Now, who said that?" Again, Suzuki says, "George Bush to the Japanese Prime Minister, 1991."

Now furious, another student yells, "Oh yeah? Suck this!" Suzuki jumps out of his chair waving his hand and shouts to the teacher: "Bill Clinton, to Monica Lewinsky, 1997!"

Now with almost a mob hysteria someone said, "You little shit. If you say anything else, I'll kill you." Suzuki frantically yells at the top of his voice, "Gary Condit to Chandra Levy 2001."

The teacher fainted. And as the class gathered around the teacher on the floor, someone said, "Oh shit, we're fucked."

Suzuki said, "The Taliban! 2001"

all of the other political jokes were funny, except yours. too much political bullcrap

Difference Between Republicans and Democrats

A Republican and a Democrat were walking down the street when they came to a homeless person. The Republican gave the homeless person his business card and told him to come to his business for a job. He then took twenty dollars out of his pocket and gave it to the homeless person.

The Democrat was very impressed, and when they came to another homeless person, he decided to help. He walked over to the homeless person and gave him directions to the welfare office. He then reached into the Republican's pocket and gave the homeless person fifty dollars.

Now you understand the difference between Republicans and Democrats
when was the last time republicans gave moeny to some one?

One day a man named Chess Squares was sauntering through an alley, when he saw a rich man walking down the street.

Thinking he had an easy money-making opportunity (he was thinking that it might help him get of welfare and get a girlfriend), he pulled out a knife and started running towards the person.

The person shot him, and dumped his body in the ocean. When tried in court for murder, he said, "It was because he was posting stuff that was ruining a truly funny thread."

Realizing the rich man's plight, he let the rich man off.

Everyone was happy...the joke thread continued without any mentally retarted interference.

*sniffle* My best joke yet...

"Why is our country in such bad shape?"

"Because we have a Bush, a Dick, and a Colon running it!"

One day a man named Chess Squares was sauntering through an alley, when he saw a rich man walking down the street.

Thinking he had an easy money-making opportunity (he was thinking that it might help him get of welfare and get a girlfriend), he pulled out a knife and started running towards the person.

The person shot him, and dumped his body in the ocean. When tried in court for murder, he said, "It was because he was posting stuff that was ruining a truly funny thread."

Realizing the rich man's plight, he let the rich man off.

Everyone was happy...the joke thread continued without any mentally retarted interference.

*sniffle* My best joke yet...
i think the best part of the joke is your name is egotistical farmers actually but


Fox has decided to make its network even more fair and balanced by giving Rush Limbaugh a hour long program.

Chess squares get a life. You can't let one thing slide can you? I personally thought that joke was pretty funny.

SOCIALISM: You have two cows. The state takes one and gives it to someone else.
COMMUNISM: You have two cows. The state takes both and gives you milk.
FASCISM: You have two cows. The state takes both and sells you milk.
NAZISM: You have two cows. The state takes both and shoots you.
BUREAUCRACY: You have two cows. The state takes both, kills one, and spills the milk in the sewage system.
CAPITALISM: You have two cows. You sell one and buy a bull.

Chess squares get a life. You can't let one thing slide can you? I personally thought that joke was pretty funny.

SOCIALISM: You have two cows. The state takes one and gives it to someone else.
COMMUNISM: You have two cows. The state takes both and gives you milk.
FASCISM: You have two cows. The state takes both and sells you milk.
NAZISM: You have two cows. The state takes both and shoots you.
BUREAUCRACY: You have two cows. The state takes both, kills one, and spills the milk in the sewage system.
CAPITALISM: You have two cows. You sell one and buy a bull.
Arg... you need to finish it! I'll go find the rest...
http://www.jokes.com/results/detail.asp?id=10096&sql=1&cat=20

Why did the Leninist cross the road?

He thought his friend's birthday party was going to start a revolution.