NationStates Jolt Archive

Things To Do In An Elevator
:gundge:
1) When there's only one other person in the elvator, tap them
on the shoulder and then pretend it wasn't you.

2) Push the buttons and pretend they give you a shock. Smile,
and go back for more.

3) Ask if you can push the button for other people, but push the
wrong ones.

4) Call the Psychic Hotline from your cell phone and ask if they
know what floor your on.

5) Hold the doors open and say your saiting for a friend. After
a while, let the doors close, and say, "Hi Greg. How's your day
been?"

6) Drop a pen and wait until someone goes to pick it up, then
scream, "That's mine!"

7) Bring a camera and take pictures of everyone in the elevator.

8) Move your desk into the elevator and whenever anyone gets on,
ask if they have an apointment.

9) Lay down the twister mat and ask people if they would like to
play.

10) Leave a box in the corner, and when someone gets on, ask
them if they can hear ticking.

11) Pretend you are a flight attendant and review emergency
procedures and exits with the passengers.

12) Ask, "Did you feel that?"

13) Stand really close to someone, sniffing them occasionally.

14) When the doors close, announce to the others, "It's okay,
don't panic, they open again!"

15) Swat at flies that don't exist.

16) Tell people that you can see their aura.

17) Call out, "Group Hig!"and then enforce it.

18) Grimace painfully while smacking your forehead and
muttering, "Shut up, all of you, just shut up!"

19) Crack open your briefcase or purse, and while peering
inside, ask, "Got enough air in there?"

20) Stand silently and motionless in the corner, facing the
wall, without getting off.

21) Stare at another passenger for a while, then announce in
horror, "Your one of THEM!" and back away slowly.

22) Wear a puppet on your hand and use it to talk to the other
passengers.

23) Listen to the elevator walls with your stethoscope.

24) Make explosion noises when anyone presses a button.

25) Stare, grinning at another passenger for a while, then
announce, "I have new socks on".

26) Draw a little square on the floor with chalk and announce to
the other passnegers, "This is MY personal space!"

kicks the post inna arse........BUMP :D

Lol!

whats a group hig?

there are more:

E-Mail Errors..

It's wise to remember how easily this wonderful technology can
be misused, sometimes unintentionally, with serious consequences.

Consider the case of the Illinois man who left the snow-filled
streets of Chicago for a vacation in Florida. His wife was on a
business trip and was planning to meet him there the next day.
When he reached his hotel, he decided to send his wife a
quicke-mail. Unable to find the scrap of paper on which he had
written her e-mail address, he did his best to type it in from
memory.

Unfortunately, he missed one letter, and his note was directed
instead to an elderly preacher's wife, whose husband had passed
away only the day before. When the grieving widow checked her
e-mail, she took one look at the monitor, let out a piercing
scream, and fell to the floor in a dead faint.

At the sound, her family rushed into the room and saw this note
on the screen:

Dearest Wife,

Just got checked in. Everything prepared for your arrival
tomorrow.

PS. Sure is hot down here.

bump:
:sniper:
How to scare your roommate

1. Make brown-bag lunches for your roommate every morning. Give
them to him/her before he/she goes to class.

2. Every time you enter the room, sit in a chair, lean back too
far, and fall over backwards. Laugh hysterically for about ten
minutes. Then, one day, repeat the falling-over exercise, but
instead of laughing, get up, look at the chair sternly, and say,
"It's not funny anymore."

3. Read with a flashlight when the lights are on. Pretend to
read without one when the lights are out, remarking every so
often how great the book is.

4. Get a surfboard. Put it on your bed. Stand on it, and pretend
to surf for about fifteen minutes. Then, pretend to "wipe out,"
and fall off the bed onto the floor. Pretend you are drowning
until your roommate comes over to "rescue" you.

5. Keep a hamster as a pet. Buy a blender, and make milkshakes
every day. Then, one day, get rid of the hamster. Make a shake
using a lot of ketchup. When your roommate comes in, look at the
shake, look at the empty cage, and tell your roommate, "I was
curious."

6. Make toast for breakfast every morning, but don't plug the
toaster in. Eat the plain bread, looking at the toaster angrily,
and complain that the toaster doesn't know what it's doing. If
your roommate suggests plugging it in, go on a tangent about
fire-safety hazards.

7. Pack up all of your things and tell your roommate that you're
going away to "find yourself." Leave, and come back in about ten
minutes. If your roommate asks, explain that you're not a hard
man to find.

8. Never speak to your roommate directly. If you need to ask or
tell him/her something, go to another room and call him/her on
the phone.

9. Every night, before you go to bed, beg your roommate for a
glass of water. When he/she brings it, dump it on the floor and
immediately go to sleep. If he/she ever refuses to bring you a
glass of water, lie on the bed and pretend to be dying of
dehydration, making annoying gagging sounds, until he/she does
so.

10. Every time the phone rings, turn on the stereo at full
volume and begin to violently slam-dance with your roommate. If
he/she asks about it, say, "Oh, that damn hypnotist...."

11. Hang a picture of your roommate on the wall. Throw darts at
it. Smile at your roommate often, saying things like, "How nice
to see you again."

12. Get a can of beans. Label them, "Jumping beans." Eat them,
and then jump around the room. Get another can of beans. Label
them, "Dancing beans." Eat them, and then dance around the room.
Get another can of beans. Label them, "Kill Your Roommate
beans." Eat them, smiling at your roommate.

13. Every time your roommate falls asleep, wait ten minutes, and
then wake him/her up and say, "It's time to go to bed now."

14. Insist that your roommate recite the "Pledge Of Allegiance"
with you every morning.

15. Recite "Dr. Seuss" books, all the time. Eventually, think up
melodies for the words and sing them, loudly, directly to your
roommate. If he/she tells you to stop, act offended and spend
the day in bed.

16. Put up traffic signs around the room. If your roommate
doesn't obey them, give him/her tickets. Confiscate something
your roommate owns until he/she pays the tickets.

17. Walk, talk, and dress like a cowboy at all times. If your
roommate inquires, tell him/her, "Don't worry little buckaroo.
You'll be safe with me."

18. Complain that your elbows, knees, and other joints have been
bothering you. Get a screwdriver, and pretend to "fix" them.

19. Paint abstract paintings, and title them things like,
"Roommate Dying in a Car Crash," and "Roommate Getting Whacked
in the Head with a Shovel." Comment often about how much you
love the paintings.

20. Wear glasses, and complain that you can never see anything.
Bump into walls and doors. Put your clothes on backwards. Say,
"Who's that?" every time your roommate enters the room. When
you're not wearing the glasses, act like you can see fine.

21. Buy a lava lamp. Stare at it for hours, imitating its
movements with your face. Explain to your roommate that you have
established a connection with the spirit world through the lava
lamp. Tell your roommate that "Grandma said hi."

22. Keep empty jars on the shelf. Tell your roommate that this
is your collection of "inert gases." Look at them often. One
day, act surprised and angered, and accuse your roommate of
having released one of the gases. Cover your nose and mouth and
run out of the room.

23. Wear scary Halloween masks. Look in the mirror and scream
hysterically for about five minutes every time you put one on.

24. Roller-skate up and down the hallway. Every time you see
your roommate, crash into him/her and knock him/her down.
Apologize, and say that he/she looked like "the enemy."

25. Put headphones on your roommate while he/she is sleeping,
and subliminally teach him/her to speak Spanish, play the
trombone, and memorize all the major imports and exports of each
African nation.

26. Stick your head out the window, but forget to open it, so
that your head crashes through the glass. Then say, "Silly me,"
open the window again, and try to stick your head through. Act
like you hit your head on something.

27. Dress like a military officer. Insist that your roommate
salute you upon sight. If he/she refuses, insist that he/she do
100 push-ups. Keep saying things like, "Your momma isn't here to
take care of you any more."

28. Keep a collection of teeth in a jar. Act excited whenever
you add to it, and say things like, "In a little while I'll have
enough for that sailboat."

29. Get a pet rabbit. At a designated time every day, take the
rabbit into the bathroom and engage in loud shouting matches. If
your roommate inquires, refuse to discuss the situation.

30. Spread toothpicks all over the floor. Stare at them, acting
like you're trying to read something. Tell your roommate it's a
message from God, but you're not sure whether it's a warning
about a loved one in danger or a recipe for really great chili.

lol those were great jokes gotta love em :D

"True" Stories of Stupid People

It seems a man, wanting to rob a downtown Bank of America,
walked into the branch and wrote, "This iz a stikkup. Put all
your muny in this bag." While standing in line, waiting to give
his note to the teller, he began to worry that someone had seen
him write the note and might call the police before he reached
the teller window. So he left the Bank of America and crossed
the street to Wells Fargo. After waiting a few minutes in line,
he handed his note to the Wells Fargo teller. She read it and,
surmising from his spelling errors that he was not the brightest
light in the harbour, told him that she could not accept his
stick up note because it was written on a Bank of America
deposit slip and that he would either have to fill out a Wells
Fargo deposit slip or go back to Bank of America. Looking
somewhat defeated, the man said "OK" and left. The Wells Fargo
teller then called the police who arrested the man a few minutes
later, as he was waiting in line back at Bank of America.

45-year-old Amy Brasher was arrested in San Antonio, Texas after
a mechanic reported to police that 18 packages of marijuana were
packed in the engine compartment of the car which she had
brought to the mechanic for an oil change. According to police,
Brasher later said that she didn't realize that the mechanic
would have to raise the hood to change the oil.

David Posman, 33, was arrested recently in Providence, R.I.,
after allegedly knocking out an armored car driver and stealing
the closest four bags of money. It turned out they contained
$800 in PENNIES, weighed 30 pounds each, and slowed him to a
stagger during his getaway so that police officers easily jumped
him from behind.

Drug possession defendant Christopher Jansen, on trial in March
in Pontiac, Michigan, said he had been searched without a
warrant. The prosecutor said the officer didn't need a warrant
because a "bulge" in Christopher's jacket could have been a gun.
Nonsense, said Christopher, who happened to be wearing the same
jacket that day in court. He handed it over so the judge could
see it. The judge discovered a packet of cocaine in the pocket
and laughed so hard he required a five- minute recess to compose
himself.

Clever drug traffickers used a propane tanker truck entering El
Paso from Mexico. They rigged it so propane gas would be
released from all of its valves while the truck concealed 6,240
pounds of marijuana. They were clever, but not bright. They
misspelled the name of the gas company on the side of the truck.

Oklahoma City: Dennis Newton was on trial for the armed robbery
of a convenience store in a district court this week when he
fired his lawyer. Assistant district attorney Larry Jones said
Newton, 47, was doing a fair job of defending himself until the
store manager testified that Newton was the robber. Newton
jumped up, accused the woman of lying and then said, "I should
of blown your fucking head off." The defendant paused, then
quickly added, " - if I'd been the one that was there." The jury
took 20 minutes to convict Newton and recommended a 30 year
sentence.

R.C. Gaitlin, 21, walked up to two patrol officers who were
showing their squad car computer equipment to children in a
Detroit neighborhood. When he asked how the system worked, the
officer's asked him for a piece of identification. Gaitlin gave
them his driver's license, they entered it into the computer,
and moments later they arrested Gaitlin because information on
the screen showed Gaitlin was wanted for a two-year-old armed
robbery in St. Louis, Missouri.

New York: As a female shopper exited a convenience store, a man
grabbed her purse and ran. The clerk called 911 immediately and
the woman was able to give them a detailed description of the
snatcher. Within minutes, the police had apprehended the
snatcher. They put him in the car and drove back to the store.
The thief was then taken out of the car and told to stand there
for a positive ID. To which he replied, "Yes Officer..that's
her. That's the lady I stole the purse from."

1st Person: "Do you know anything about this fax-machine?" 2nd
Person: "A little. What's wrong?" 1st Person: "Well, I sent a
fax, and the recipient called back to say all she received was a
cover-sheet and a blank page. I tried it again, and the same
thing happened." 2nd Person: "How did you load the sheet?" 1st
Person: "It's a pretty sensitive memo, and I didn't want anyone
else to read it by accident, so I folded it so only the
recipient would open it and read it."

I recently saw a distraught young lady weeping beside her car.
"Do you need some help?" I asked. She replied, "I knew I should
have replaced the battery in this remote door unlocker. Now I
can't get into my car. Do you think they (pointing to a distant
convenience store) would have a battery for this?" "Hmmm, I
dunno. Do you have an alarm, too?" I asked. "No, just this
remote 'thingy,'" she answered, handing it and the car keys to
me. As I took the key and manually unlocked the door, I replied,
"Why don't you drive over there and check about the
batteries...it's a long walk."

My friend called his car insurance company to tell them to
change his address from Texas to Vermont. The woman who took the
call asked where Vermont was. As he tried to explain, she
interrupted and said, "Look, I'm not stupid or anything, but
what state is it in?"

I was in a car dealership a while ago when a large motor home
was towed into the garage. The front of the vehicle was in dire
need of repair and the whole thing generally looked like an
extra in "Twister." I asked the manager what had happened. He
told me that the driver had set the cruise control, then went in
back to make a sandwich.

A friend of mine posted this a while ago.
I just felt it was apropriate for the apparent theme of this post.
ENJOY

And God said, Let there be light
and there was light.

And God was lonely resting on the seventh day,
he was so lonley and God said,
Let there be cable.

Let there be DirecTV, and Primestar, and Pay-Per-View
so my children have something to watch while worshiping me.

Let there be ratings in news magazines,
and scandles in tabloids, and ragtime, and rap, and Spam.
Let my children taste the Spam,
and resolve never to touch it again.
For it is unclean.

Let one percent of the people own ninety percent of the wealth
and let the rest have me for their comfort.
Let there be food for some and none for others.

And God said, let the good times roll.

Let there be the Spice Girls, and the Backstreet Boys, and Hanson
because every generation needs it's Partridge family.

Let there be Self-esteem, and Spell check, and Calculators
so their brains become lazy and believe in me all the more.

Let there be assassinations, and natural disasters, and executions,
and mass suicides, and abortions, and plane crashes, and nuclear accidents
because my people took that "be fruitfull and multiply" thing
WAY too seriously.

And God said, let there be Satan
so people don't blame everything on me.
And let there be lawyers
so people don't blame everything on Satan.

Let there be toupees for the bald with money,
and paint for the bald with none.

And God said, let the blind lead the blind,
let the deaf sing to the deaf,
and let the dumb become spokes-models.

Let there be war and famine and pestilence on CNN and Primetime.
And let there be celebrities, and celebrity golf tournements, and celebrity Jeopardy.
But make the questions so easy, a dog could answer them.

Let there be Vegetarians, and Vegans, and Romulans, and Vulcans, and Trekkies, and Moonies, and circus freaks, and dominatrixes, and harlets, and habberdashers, and hooked on phonics, and David Bowie.
Let there be David Bowie.

And God said, lets dance.

Let's put on our red shoes and dance the blues.
Let there be art for the starving,
pornography for the fat,
and dogs playing poker for everyone else.

And God said, let my people go.
And God said, let my people come.
Now let them go again.

And God said, let me entertain you,
Let me say this about that,
Let it alone or it will never heal,
Let your love flow like a mountain stream,
Let a smile be your umbrella on a rainy, rainy day,
Let it out and let it in,
Hey Jude, Begin.

John Wing, comedian

Finally a joke that explains what it's like to be Canadian...


Once upon a time in the Kingdom of Heaven, God went missing for six ys.

Eventually, Michael the archangel found him, resting on the seventh day. He inquired of God, "Where have you been?"

God sighed a deep sigh of satisfaction and proudly pointed downwards through the clouds, "Look Michael, look what I've made."

Archangel Michael looked puzzled and said, "What is it?"

"It's a planet," replied God, "and I've put LIFE on it. I'm going to call it Earth and it's going to be a place of great balance."

"Balance?" inquired Michael, still confused.

God explained, pointing to different parts of Earth, "For example, Northern Europe will be a place of great opportunity and wealth while Southern Europe is going to be poor; the Middle East over there will be a hot spot. Over there I've placed a continent of white people and over there is a continent of black people," God continued, pointing to different countries. "This one will be extremely hot and arid while this one will be very cold and covered in ice."

The Archangel, impressed by Gods work, then pointed to a large landmass in the top corner and asked, "What's that one?"

"Ah," said God. "That's Canada, the most glorious place on Earth. There are beautiful mountains, lakes, rivers, streams and an exquisite coastline. The people from Canada are going to be modest, intelligent and humorous and they're going to be found travelling the world. They'll be extremely sociable, hard working and high achieving, and they will be known throughout the world as diplomats and carriers of peace. I'm also going to give them super-human, undefeatable ice hockey players who will be admired and feared by all who come across them."

Michael gasped in wonder and admiration but then proclaimed; "What about balance, God? You said there will be BALANCE!"

God replied wisely. "Wait until you see the loud-mouth bastards I'm putting Under them...."

God replied wisely. "Wait until you see the loud-mouth bastards I'm putting Under them...."
*shakes her head slowly*

I shouldn't think that's funny, but.... LOL!

The typos kill me.... but it's funny, none-the-less

Cool Signs

Over a gynecologist's office: "Dr. Jones, at your cervix."

On a Plumber's truck: "We repair what your husband fixed."

At a dry cleaners: "Drop your pants here."

On the trucks of a local plumbing company in NE Pennsylvania:
"Don't sleep with a drip. Call your plumber."

Pizza shop slogan: "7 days without pizza makes one weak."

Outside a muffler shop: "No appointment necessary. We hear you
coming."

In a veterinarian's waiting room: "Be back in 5 minutes. Sit!
Stay!"

Door of a plastic surgeon's office: "Hello. Can we pick your
nose?"

On an electrician's truck: "Let us remove your shorts."

In a non-smoking area: "If we see smoke, we will assume you are
on fire and take appropriate action."

On a maternity room door: "Push. Push. Push."

At an optometrist's office: "If you don't see what you're
looking for,
you've come to the right place."

In the front yard of a funeral home: "Drive carefully. We'll
wait."