Lunatic Goofballs
25-06-2004, 16:02
IAQ stands for 'Infrequently Asked Questions'. It occurred to me that sometimes you have a question that people rarely ask and that you probably shouldn't have an answer to. I'm here to answer them. :D
See, I want a lasting legacy here on NationStates. I have a thread in the archive, and I'm very proud of 'Everybody was Haiku Fighting', but I am aiming for another.
SO, without further Adieu, here is my IAQ:
"I kicked a clown in the groin and he was wearing a cup. Do all clowns wear protective cups?"
No. Clowns most often wear protective cups when entertaining at parties for older children, particularly in the 'tweens'. However, some don't wear them at all. So if a clown is bothering you, kick his groin. Unless a clown is specifically stalking you, chances are he will not be prepared for such an attack.
"My mom says my face will freeze this way if I keep doing this. Is that true?"
Would it really be that bad if it did?
"Do you often answer your questions with questions?
Can I continue with my IAQ, or must I treat you like a harassing clown?
"Okay, back to the IAQ. When is the United Nations going to realize that the free trade of tacos and taco related goods is the key to world peace and an end to world hunger?"
Someday. Keep fighting. It's the struggling that makes it all worthwhile.
"Why do I never see dunk tanks filled with ravenous leeches?
Because they're all on Capitol Hill trying to figure out how to get re-elected.
"Do you ever take anything seriously?"
Very little. I have strict guidelines on what should be taken seriously. First of all, it must be able to cause me(or my family) serious bodily harm and/or death. Massive inconvenience counts too. Second, there has to be something I can do about it without devoting my life to changing it. I'm already deeply involved in the taco cause. Third, nobody can see me doing it.
"Is your IAQ nothing more than spam?"
My IAQ, like so many of my posts are vastly superior to your garden variety spam. I think I'm more of a spiral-sliced ham. :D
"What on earth is that thing in my toilet?!?"
Calm down. Once it stops wriggling, throw it a doughnut and call a geneticist.
"Have you ever joined an insanity club?"
I would never join any club that would allow someone like ME as a member.
"How come I can't lick my elbow?"
To encourage sharing.
"Why are there so many sexual undertones in the Star Wars movie?"
Have you seen George Lucas? I'm betting he has to pay for sex!
btw, In 'The Empire Strikes Back', was anybody else a little uncomfortable during the scene where Han Solo was handling Luke's lightsaber?
"What is the meaning of life?"
I looked it up in the dictionary and there it was. You know, I expected something more profound. :?
"Don't you think the world would be a much better place if we just put all our meals into the blender and drank them?"
SOme of us drink our meals every night. :wink:
"How can I become as funny as you?"
My sense of humor originally began as a defense mechanism against my own uncontrollable anger. I had a very bad temper. It turns out that rage and humor are very close cousins. The real difference between the two is your own personal realization that you are a very absurd creature. Once you can laugh at yourself, laughing at everything else became easy.
That, and Play Doh. Playing with Play Doh as a child makes people funnier. Think about it. Ask around. None of the serious people had Play Doh.
Would it be considered wrong to go to Ruby Tuesday's on a Friday or TGI Friday's on a Tuesday?
If you think that's complicated, try ordering a Sundae at Ruby Tuseday's on a thursday while wearing your TGI Friday's work shirt.
The important thing is that you have fun in the restaurant. There are lots of ways to have fun. For instance, ask for something ususual, but simple to prepare. Such as a poached egg in a coconut half. Then, when the waitress comes back and says the cheff will prepare it for you, say you changed your mind and just want some Special K.
Are you sure Infrequently Asked Questions (IAQ) is the best name for it? Have you considered Frequently Unasked Question (FUQ)? I suppose it might not sound right if you try to pronounce it "fuq" though.
Unfortunately, a question cannot be frequently unasked. It can only be unasked once. Until it's been asked. Then it's not unasked anymore.
How do I get out of marrying a Nazi against my will?
Have you considered Judaism?
What is that on the bottom of my shoe?
Dick Cheney's humility.
Am I bad person if I want to see Bush being hit in the face with the biggest pie ever made?
It's a perfectly natural reaction to overexposure to me. It'll grow stronger if you give it time.
Lunatic and goofball added together means "moon crazy" And "strange"
Do you have a bad reaction to the full moon?
Absolutely not. I have danced naked in secluded meadows on many a moonlit night.
How come everytime I see something I think of sex?
And why do I find thing excrutiatingly painful yet sexually arousing?
And can you explain why I say random German phrases?
I can answer all three questions with one answer: You have a sauerkraut fetish. Everything reminds you of sauerkraut, and sauerkraut is at the same time, one of the most repugnant german foods ever created.
are you my daddy?
I dunno. Do you have an unexplained affinity for mud and groin kicks?
Why are you looking at me like that?
Because your head is exactly the same shape and size as the world's largest eggplant.
*anxious voice* Everything's working perfectly fine--what should I do??
Egad! :eek: You must wreck something immediately! Try this: Buy some cans of deodorant and some cans of fishing bait spray-on scent. Carefully remove the labels of the deodorant and reapply them carefully to the bait spray. Place the cans in appropriate places like, locker rooms and/or best friends' bathrooms. This should take care of your problem nicely. :)
Why are the Smurfs blue?
Sexual frustration. Hundreds of boys, only one girl. Need I say more?
"Will you be expanding your IAQ?"
Yes. People are going to post their own questions and comments on this thread, and I'll have a fun time bantering with the commentators. If I like some of the questions, I will answer them as only I can and add them to this IAQ. 8)
((edit: expanded again, 9/7/04))
See, I want a lasting legacy here on NationStates. I have a thread in the archive, and I'm very proud of 'Everybody was Haiku Fighting', but I am aiming for another.
SO, without further Adieu, here is my IAQ:
"I kicked a clown in the groin and he was wearing a cup. Do all clowns wear protective cups?"
No. Clowns most often wear protective cups when entertaining at parties for older children, particularly in the 'tweens'. However, some don't wear them at all. So if a clown is bothering you, kick his groin. Unless a clown is specifically stalking you, chances are he will not be prepared for such an attack.
"My mom says my face will freeze this way if I keep doing this. Is that true?"
Would it really be that bad if it did?
"Do you often answer your questions with questions?
Can I continue with my IAQ, or must I treat you like a harassing clown?
"Okay, back to the IAQ. When is the United Nations going to realize that the free trade of tacos and taco related goods is the key to world peace and an end to world hunger?"
Someday. Keep fighting. It's the struggling that makes it all worthwhile.
"Why do I never see dunk tanks filled with ravenous leeches?
Because they're all on Capitol Hill trying to figure out how to get re-elected.
"Do you ever take anything seriously?"
Very little. I have strict guidelines on what should be taken seriously. First of all, it must be able to cause me(or my family) serious bodily harm and/or death. Massive inconvenience counts too. Second, there has to be something I can do about it without devoting my life to changing it. I'm already deeply involved in the taco cause. Third, nobody can see me doing it.
"Is your IAQ nothing more than spam?"
My IAQ, like so many of my posts are vastly superior to your garden variety spam. I think I'm more of a spiral-sliced ham. :D
"What on earth is that thing in my toilet?!?"
Calm down. Once it stops wriggling, throw it a doughnut and call a geneticist.
"Have you ever joined an insanity club?"
I would never join any club that would allow someone like ME as a member.
"How come I can't lick my elbow?"
To encourage sharing.
"Why are there so many sexual undertones in the Star Wars movie?"
Have you seen George Lucas? I'm betting he has to pay for sex!
btw, In 'The Empire Strikes Back', was anybody else a little uncomfortable during the scene where Han Solo was handling Luke's lightsaber?
"What is the meaning of life?"
I looked it up in the dictionary and there it was. You know, I expected something more profound. :?
"Don't you think the world would be a much better place if we just put all our meals into the blender and drank them?"
SOme of us drink our meals every night. :wink:
"How can I become as funny as you?"
My sense of humor originally began as a defense mechanism against my own uncontrollable anger. I had a very bad temper. It turns out that rage and humor are very close cousins. The real difference between the two is your own personal realization that you are a very absurd creature. Once you can laugh at yourself, laughing at everything else became easy.
That, and Play Doh. Playing with Play Doh as a child makes people funnier. Think about it. Ask around. None of the serious people had Play Doh.
Would it be considered wrong to go to Ruby Tuesday's on a Friday or TGI Friday's on a Tuesday?
If you think that's complicated, try ordering a Sundae at Ruby Tuseday's on a thursday while wearing your TGI Friday's work shirt.
The important thing is that you have fun in the restaurant. There are lots of ways to have fun. For instance, ask for something ususual, but simple to prepare. Such as a poached egg in a coconut half. Then, when the waitress comes back and says the cheff will prepare it for you, say you changed your mind and just want some Special K.
Are you sure Infrequently Asked Questions (IAQ) is the best name for it? Have you considered Frequently Unasked Question (FUQ)? I suppose it might not sound right if you try to pronounce it "fuq" though.
Unfortunately, a question cannot be frequently unasked. It can only be unasked once. Until it's been asked. Then it's not unasked anymore.
How do I get out of marrying a Nazi against my will?
Have you considered Judaism?
What is that on the bottom of my shoe?
Dick Cheney's humility.
Am I bad person if I want to see Bush being hit in the face with the biggest pie ever made?
It's a perfectly natural reaction to overexposure to me. It'll grow stronger if you give it time.
Lunatic and goofball added together means "moon crazy" And "strange"
Do you have a bad reaction to the full moon?
Absolutely not. I have danced naked in secluded meadows on many a moonlit night.
How come everytime I see something I think of sex?
And why do I find thing excrutiatingly painful yet sexually arousing?
And can you explain why I say random German phrases?
I can answer all three questions with one answer: You have a sauerkraut fetish. Everything reminds you of sauerkraut, and sauerkraut is at the same time, one of the most repugnant german foods ever created.
are you my daddy?
I dunno. Do you have an unexplained affinity for mud and groin kicks?
Why are you looking at me like that?
Because your head is exactly the same shape and size as the world's largest eggplant.
*anxious voice* Everything's working perfectly fine--what should I do??
Egad! :eek: You must wreck something immediately! Try this: Buy some cans of deodorant and some cans of fishing bait spray-on scent. Carefully remove the labels of the deodorant and reapply them carefully to the bait spray. Place the cans in appropriate places like, locker rooms and/or best friends' bathrooms. This should take care of your problem nicely. :)
Why are the Smurfs blue?
Sexual frustration. Hundreds of boys, only one girl. Need I say more?
"Will you be expanding your IAQ?"
Yes. People are going to post their own questions and comments on this thread, and I'll have a fun time bantering with the commentators. If I like some of the questions, I will answer them as only I can and add them to this IAQ. 8)
((edit: expanded again, 9/7/04))