NationStates Jolt Archive

New weapon: Condoms

George Bush is rudely awoken at 4am by the telephone. "George, its the health minister here. Sorry to bother you at this hour but there is an emergency! I've just received word that the Durex factory in San Francisco has burned to the ground. The entire American supply of condoms will be gone by the end of the week."

"Darn it - the economy will never be able to cope with all those unwanted babies- we'll be ruined!"

"We're going to have to ship some in from abroad...what about China?"

"No chance!! The chinks will have a field day on this one!Besides,they have more than enough on their own to deal with!"

"What about India?"

"U mad - we don't want them to know that we are stuck.But still we can talk on my hotline confidentially. You call Manmohan Singh - tell him we need one hundred million condoms; coloured blue,white and red and spangled with stars; ten inches long and eight inches thick! That way they'll know how big we Americans really are!!"

Bush calls Singh, who agrees to help the Americans out in their hour of need.

Three days later a ship arrives in Seattle - full of boxes. A delighted Bush rushes out to open the boxes. He finds condoms;
10 inches long; 8 inches thick, all colored blue,red and white and spangled with stars. He then notices in small writing on each and every one ..........................

MADE IN INDIA
SIZE :EXTRA SMALL

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Hey,all us dark-skinned people tend to have bigger genitalia white boys,especially a Chinese-Indian-Portueguese mix like me!the best of Asia and Europe.

Enjoy.

Oh,and just for fun,here is a fact;China has 1.3 billion people
India has 1.1 billion people.

The world as a whole has a population of 6 billion.

Remember my American friends,in the later part of the 21st century and later on the 22nd century,these will be the new powers,not America.

In a century,India and China will be outsourcing to the USA,due to cheap labour.

Indians? Sif.

Hey my friend,who do you think invented the Kama Sutra?

For that matter,why do you think it has a population of 1.1 billion?

Same goes for China with a population of 1.3 billion,you think Americans are the horniest people on Earth?

Similarly,do you think Chinese got to their present numbers by just doing nothing?

Talking to friends in the British health service and they assure me that men form the Indian sub continent have on average a slightly smaller Penis than the average western male.

Not that I'm saying size is everything but you should try and get your facts straight! :wink:

When Canadian Prime Minister Jean Chrétien decided to retire from public life, the British ambassador in Ottawa, and his wife, threw a gala dinner party in his honour.

At the dinner table, the Ambassador's wife was talking with Madame Chrétien; "Your husband has been such a prominent public figure, such a presence on the international scene for so many years! How quiet retirement will seem in comparison. What are you most looking forward to in these retirement years?"

"A penis," replied Madame Aline Chrétien. A hush fell over the table. Everyone heard her answer... and no one knew what to say next.
Le Grand Jean leaned over to his wife and said, "Mon petit Chou, in Hinglish dey pronounce dat word, appiness!

When Canadian Prime Minister Jean Chrétien decided to retire from public life, the British ambassador in Ottawa, and his wife, threw a gala dinner party in his honour.

At the dinner table, the Ambassador's wife was talking with Madame Chrétien; "Your husband has been such a prominent public figure, such a presence on the international scene for so many years! How quiet retirement will seem in comparison. What are you most looking forward to in these retirement years?"

"A penis," replied Madame Aline Chrétien. A hush fell over the table. Everyone heard her answer... and no one knew what to say next.
Le Grand Jean leaned over to his wife and said, "Mon petit Chou, in Hinglish dey pronounce dat word, appiness!
:lol:

Who got the bumper book of Penis jokes for thier birthday then?

Talking to friends in the British health service and they assure me that men form the Indian sub continent have on average a slightly smaller Penis than the average western male.

Not that I'm saying size is everything but you should try and get your facts straight! :wink:

Jealous?

Sorry,but it must be a Zionist conspiracy by the evil Americans to downsize others in the books when facts speak differently.

:!: :twisted: 8)

Air Force One arrives at Heathrow and President Bush strides to a warm and dignified handshake from the Queen. They ride in a 1934 Bentley to the edge of central London where they board a magnificent 17th century carriage hitched to 6 magnificent white horses.

They ride towards Buckingham Palace waving to the thousands of cheering Britons, all is going well.

Suddenly the right rear horse lets fly with the most horrendous earth shattering fart ever heard in the British Empire and the smell was excruciating, both of them had to use handkerchiefs over their noses.
The fart shakes the coach but the two dignitaries of state do their best to ignore the incident.

The Queen turns to President Bush, "Mr President please accept my regrets... I am sure you understand there are some things that even a Queen cannot control."

George Bush, always trying to be "presidential", replies. "Your Majesty do not give the matter another thought... If you had not mentioned it I would have thought it was one of the horses."

[color=green]Surely the mods cant accept this in their current shutdown states :shock:

anyway... lol... but way wrong... now aussies...thats somthing to be proud of

Condoms... they'd be an anti-terror device, in all actuality, as they'd prevent some of the most horrific forms of venereal disease ravaging third world countries.

Talking to friends in the British health service and they assure me that men form the Indian sub continent have on average a slightly smaller Penis than the average western male.

Not that I'm saying size is everything but you should try and get your facts straight! :wink:

Jealous?

Sorry,but it must be a Zionist conspiracy by the evil Americans to downsize others in the books when facts speak differently.

:!: :twisted: 8)
?
refusal to accept facts?
Insecure?
Me jealous? No. Never been something that has bothered me.
We are talking averages here and the varioation is not great.
Orientals have on average a smaller Penis than westerners and it doesn't appear to bother them. They are pretty comfortable with themselves.
Still I liked the jokes.

George Bush,Saddam Hussein,Nicole Kidman and Tony Blair are sitting in a train.

The train suddenly goes thru a tunnel and it gets completely dark. Suddenly there is a kissing sound and then a cracking slap!

The train comes out of the tunnel.The women and Blair are sitting there looking perplexed. Bush is bent over holding his face, which is red from an apparent slap.

All of them remain diplomatic and nobody says anything.

Blair is thinking: "These Americans are all crazy after Uma. Bush must have tried to kiss her in the tunnel. Very proper that she slapped him."

Uma Thurman is thinking: "Bush must have moved to kiss me, and kissed Tony Blair instead and got slapped.

Bush is thinking: "Damn it,Saddam must have tried to kiss Uma and she thought it was me and slapped me."

Saddam is thinking: "If this train goes through another tunnel, I could make another kissing sound and slap Bush again."

An elderly, tenured professor of philosophy at Stanford University always start every class with a somewhat vulgar joke.

While the guys always enjoyed the comical break, many of the femmes took the risqué humour as a personal affront.

After one particular example, the women in the class decided to band together and walk out as a group the next time he started one of his bawdy jokes.

The professor, getting wind of their plot to disrupt his daily repartee, decided to seemingly play into their hands...

The very next morning he walked into the classroom and said: "Good morning, class. Did you hear the one about the terrible shortage of
whores in Iraq?"

With that, all of the women stood up in a huff and headed straight for the door.

"Wait, ladies," cried the professor. "The plane doesn't leave until tomorrow!"

A college girl writes this letter to her parents:

Dear Mom and Dad:
It has now been three months since I left for college. I have been remiss in writing this and I am very sorry for my thoughtlessness in not having written before. I will bring you up to date now, but, before you read on, please sit down.

YOU ARE NOT TO READ ANY FURTHER UNLESS YOU ARE SITTING DOWN.

OKAY! Well then, I am getting along pretty well now. The skull fracture and the concussion I got when I jumped out of the window of my dormitory when it caught fire shortly after my arrival are pretty well healed now.

I only get those sick headaches once a day. Fortunately the fire in the dormitory and my jump were witnessed by an attendant at the gas station near the dorm, and he was the one who called the fire department and the ambulance.

He also visited me at the hospital and, since I had nowhere to live because of the burned out dormitory, he was kind enough to invite me to share his apartment with him.

It's really a basement room, but it's kind of cute. He is a very fine boy and we have fallen deeply in love and are planning to be married. We haven't set the exact date yet, but it will be before my pregnancy begins to show.

Yes, Mother and Dad, I am pregnant. I know how much you are looking forward to being grandparents and I know you will welcome the baby and give it the love, devotion and tender care you gave me when I was a child.
The reason for the delay in our marriage is that my boyfriend has some minor infection which prevents us from passing our pre-marital blood tests, and I carelessly caught it from him.

This will soon clear up with the penicillin injections I am having daily. I know you will welcome him into our family with open arms. He is kind and, although not well educated, he is ambitious.

lthough he is of a different race and religion than ours, I know your often expressed tolerance will not permit you to be bothered by the fact that his skin colour is somewhat different than ours.

I am sure you will love him as I do. His family background is good too, for I am told that his father is an important gun-bearer in the village from which he came.

Now that I have brought you up to date, I want to tell you that there was no dormitory fire, I did not have a concussion or a skull fracture. I was not in the hospital, I am not pregnant, I am not engaged... there is no man in my life.

However, I am getting a 'D' in History and an 'F' in Science and I wanted you to see those marks in the proper perspective.
Anyways, this news is better than those above.

Your Loving Daughter.

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A unique letter indeed

How internet started
An old, bearded shepherd, with a crooked staff, walks up to a stone pulpit and says......
"And lo it came to pass that the trader by the name of Abraham Com did take unto himself a young wife by the name of Dot. And Dot Com was a comely woman, broad of shoulder and long of leg.

Indeed, she had been called Amazon Dot Com. And she said unto Abraham, her husband, "Why doth thou travel far, from town to town, with thy goods when thou can trade without ever leaving thy tent?"

And Abraham did look at her as though she were several saddle bags short of a camel load, but simply said, "How, Dear?"

And Dot replied, "I will place drums in all the towns and drums in between to send messages saying what you have for sale and they will reply telling you which hath the best price. And the sale can be made on the drums and delivery made by Uriah's Pony Stable (UPS)".

Abraham thought long and decided he would let Dot have her way with the drums. And the drums rang out and were an immediate success. Abraham sold all the goods he had, at the top price, without ever moving from his tent. But this success did arouse envy.

A man named Maccabia did secrete himself inside Abraham's drum and was accused of insider trading. And the young man did take to Dot Com's trading as doth the greedy horsefly take to camel dung.

They were called Nomadic Ecclesiastical Rich Dominican Siderites, or NERDS for short.

And lo the land was so feverish with joy at the new riches and the deafening sound of drums, that no one noticed that the real riches were going to the drum maker, one Brother William of Gates, who bought up every drum company in the land.

And indeed did insist on making drums that would only work if you bought Brother Gates' drumsticks.

And Dot did say, "Oh, Abraham, what we have started is being taken over by others".

And as Abraham looked out over the Bay of Ezekiel, or as it came to be known, "eBay," he said, "we need a name of a service that reflects what we are," and Dot replied, "Young Ambitious Hebrew Owner Operators."

"Whoopee!", said Abraham. "No, YAHOO!", said Dot Com.
And that is how it all began...

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Indeed,the Internet is a vast Zionist conspiracy.And this is proof that Bill Gates is immortal,for mentioned in the bible is he.Woe unto the evil ones who heed not this message,for the Internet is evil and must be banished I say.


:evil:
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just joking :wink:

An old man lived alone in Palestine. He wanted to dig his potato garden, but it was very hard work. His only son, who would have helped him, was in an Israeli prison.

The old man wrote a letter to his son and mentioned his predicament.
Shortly, he received this reply, "For HEAVEN'S SAKE, Dad, don't dig up that garden, that's where I buried the GUNS!"

At 4 A.M. the next morning, a dozen Israeli soldiers showed up and dug up the entire garden, without finding any guns.

Confused, the old man wrote another note to his son telling him what happened, and asking him what to do next.

His son's reply was: "Now plant your potatoes, Dad. This is the best I can do for you at this time."

[HEY GUYS,CUT IT OUT]A letter by Osama bin Laden to his jihadis in Afghanistan

Hi guys. We've all been putting in long hours recently but we've really come together as a group and I love that! However, while we are fighting a jihad, we can't forget to take care of the cave, and frankly I have a few concerns:

First of all, while it's good to be concerned about cruise missiles, we should be even more concerned about the dust in our cave.
We want to avoid excessive dust inhalation, (a health and safety issue) - so we need to sweep the cave daily. I've done my bit on the cleaning roster.. have you?
I've posted a sign-up sheet near the cave reception area (next to
the halal toaster).

Second, it's not often I make a video address but when I do, I'm trying to scare the sh*t out of most of the world's population, okay?
That means that while we're taping, please do not ride your scooter in the background or keep doing the 'Wassup' thing. Thanks.

Third: Food. I bought a box of Dairylea recently, clearly wrote "Ossy" on the front, and put it on the top shelf. Today, two of my Dairylea slices were gone. Consideration. That's all I'm saying.

Fourth: I'm not against team spirit and all that, but we must distance ourselves from the infidels' bat and ball games. Please do not chant "Ossy Ossy Ossy, Oy Oy Oy" when I ride past on the donkey. Thanks.

Five: Graffiti. To whoever wrote "OSAMA SH*GS DONKEYS" on the group toilet wall, it's a lie. The donkey backed into me, whilst I was relieving myself at the edge of the mountain.

Six: The use of chickens is strictly for food. Assam, the old excuse that the 'chicken backed into me, whilst I was relieving myself at the edge of the mountain' will not be accepted in future. (With donkeys, there is a grey area.)

Finally, we've heard that there may be Western infidel soldiers in disguise trying to infiltrate our ranks. I want to set up patrols to look for them. First patrol will be Omar, Muhammad, Abdul, Akbar,Ken and Alejandro.

Love you lots, Group Hug. Os.

P.S.Smith,make sure you kill any Western soldiers you see,and make sure those secret tapes I gave you with our next list of targets doesn't dissappear like last time.