UncleBob
04-06-2004, 04:42
They Said THIS In the Church Bulletin?
Heavens to Betsy! When you're spreading God's word, it's important to pay attention to commas and spelling and proper phrasing. If you don't, you may end up saying something other than what you really intended. And sometimes the result can be scandalous--or just funny as all get out.
The following are excerpts from church bulletins nationwide. Who needs professional comedians when everyday folks are just as humorous? (Note: You have to read this carefully to catch the funniest mistakes.)
Preach it!
The sermon this morning: "Jesus Walks on the Water."
The sermon tonight: "Searching for Jesus."
At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be "What Is Hell?" Come early and listen to our choir practice.
Suffer the little children
Our youth basketball team is back in action Wednesday at 8 p.m. in the recreation hall. Come out and watch us kill Christ the King.
For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a nursery downstairs.
The eighth-graders will be presenting Shakespeare's "Hamlet" in the church basement on Friday at 7 p.m. The congregation is invited to attend this tragedy.
Sunday School: Children will be led in sinning and Bible study.
The Power of Prayer
Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our community. Smile at someone who is hard to love. Say "Hell" to someone who doesn't care much about you.
Don't let worry kill you. Let the church help.
Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our church and community.
After the worship service...
This evening at 7 p.m. there will be a hymn sing in the park across from the church. Bring a blanket and come prepared to sin.
Bertha Belch, a missionary from Africa, will be speaking tonight at Calvary Methodist. Come hear Bertha Belch all the way from Africa.
A bean supper will be held on Tuesday evening in the church hall. Music will follow.
Announcement in a church bulletin for a national Prayer and Fasting Conference: "The cost for attending the Fasting & Prayer Conference includes meals."
The peacemaking meeting scheduled for today has been canceled due to a conflict.
Ladies, Ladies
The ladies of the church have cast off clothing of every kind. They may be seen in the basement on Friday afternoon.
Ladies, don't forget the rummage sale. It's a chance to get rid of those things not worth keeping around the house. Don't forget your husbands.
Ladies' Bible Study will be held Thursday at 10 a.m. All ladies are invited to lunch in the Fellowship Hall after the B.S. is done.
The pastor would appreciate it if the ladies of the congregation would lend him their electric girdle for the pancake breakfast next Sunday.
Choir Practice
Next Thursday there will be tryouts for the choir. They need all the help they can get.
Eight new choir robes are currently needed due to the addition of several new members and to the deterioration of some older ones.
Miss Charlene Mason sang "I will not pass this way again," giving obvious pleasure to the congregation.
The rector will preach his farewell message, after which the choir will sing "Break Forth Into Joy."
Which Door Do I Use?
The Low Self-Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday at 7 p.m. Please use the back door.
Weight Watchers will meet at 7 p.m. at the First Presbyterian Church. Please use large double door at the side entrance.
The Members of the Congregation
Barbara remains in the hospital and needs blood donors for more transfusions. She is also having trouble sleeping and requests tapes of Pastor Jack's sermons.
Irving Benson and Jessie Carter were married on October 24th in the church. So ends a friendship that began in their school days.
No Good Deed Will Go Unpunished
Scouts are saving aluminum cans, bottles, and other items to be recycled. Proceeds will be used to cripple children.
Please place your donation in the envelope along with the deceased person you want remembered.
Watch Out for Those Potlucks
Attend and you will hear an excellent speaker and heave a healthy lunch.
The church will host an evening of fine dining, superb entertainment, and gracious hostility.
Potluck supper Sunday at 5 p.m. Prayer and medication to follow.
HOW Much Money Should I Give?
The associate minister unveiled the church's new tithing campaign slogan last Sunday: "I Upped My Pledge - Up Yours."
Who says church is boring?
Heavens to Betsy! When you're spreading God's word, it's important to pay attention to commas and spelling and proper phrasing. If you don't, you may end up saying something other than what you really intended. And sometimes the result can be scandalous--or just funny as all get out.
The following are excerpts from church bulletins nationwide. Who needs professional comedians when everyday folks are just as humorous? (Note: You have to read this carefully to catch the funniest mistakes.)
Preach it!
The sermon this morning: "Jesus Walks on the Water."
The sermon tonight: "Searching for Jesus."
At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be "What Is Hell?" Come early and listen to our choir practice.
Suffer the little children
Our youth basketball team is back in action Wednesday at 8 p.m. in the recreation hall. Come out and watch us kill Christ the King.
For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a nursery downstairs.
The eighth-graders will be presenting Shakespeare's "Hamlet" in the church basement on Friday at 7 p.m. The congregation is invited to attend this tragedy.
Sunday School: Children will be led in sinning and Bible study.
The Power of Prayer
Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our community. Smile at someone who is hard to love. Say "Hell" to someone who doesn't care much about you.
Don't let worry kill you. Let the church help.
Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our church and community.
After the worship service...
This evening at 7 p.m. there will be a hymn sing in the park across from the church. Bring a blanket and come prepared to sin.
Bertha Belch, a missionary from Africa, will be speaking tonight at Calvary Methodist. Come hear Bertha Belch all the way from Africa.
A bean supper will be held on Tuesday evening in the church hall. Music will follow.
Announcement in a church bulletin for a national Prayer and Fasting Conference: "The cost for attending the Fasting & Prayer Conference includes meals."
The peacemaking meeting scheduled for today has been canceled due to a conflict.
Ladies, Ladies
The ladies of the church have cast off clothing of every kind. They may be seen in the basement on Friday afternoon.
Ladies, don't forget the rummage sale. It's a chance to get rid of those things not worth keeping around the house. Don't forget your husbands.
Ladies' Bible Study will be held Thursday at 10 a.m. All ladies are invited to lunch in the Fellowship Hall after the B.S. is done.
The pastor would appreciate it if the ladies of the congregation would lend him their electric girdle for the pancake breakfast next Sunday.
Choir Practice
Next Thursday there will be tryouts for the choir. They need all the help they can get.
Eight new choir robes are currently needed due to the addition of several new members and to the deterioration of some older ones.
Miss Charlene Mason sang "I will not pass this way again," giving obvious pleasure to the congregation.
The rector will preach his farewell message, after which the choir will sing "Break Forth Into Joy."
Which Door Do I Use?
The Low Self-Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday at 7 p.m. Please use the back door.
Weight Watchers will meet at 7 p.m. at the First Presbyterian Church. Please use large double door at the side entrance.
The Members of the Congregation
Barbara remains in the hospital and needs blood donors for more transfusions. She is also having trouble sleeping and requests tapes of Pastor Jack's sermons.
Irving Benson and Jessie Carter were married on October 24th in the church. So ends a friendship that began in their school days.
No Good Deed Will Go Unpunished
Scouts are saving aluminum cans, bottles, and other items to be recycled. Proceeds will be used to cripple children.
Please place your donation in the envelope along with the deceased person you want remembered.
Watch Out for Those Potlucks
Attend and you will hear an excellent speaker and heave a healthy lunch.
The church will host an evening of fine dining, superb entertainment, and gracious hostility.
Potluck supper Sunday at 5 p.m. Prayer and medication to follow.
HOW Much Money Should I Give?
The associate minister unveiled the church's new tithing campaign slogan last Sunday: "I Upped My Pledge - Up Yours."
Who says church is boring?