NationStates Jolt Archive

Okay...

Yes I wrote this myself. You can post it in other places on the net if you want to, it's not copyrighted and I would really like you to. I wrote two of these, with this one the more racier of the two. If you read the plays along with it, it actually goes together very well.Here goes... Enjoy!

Homeo and Joeliet
By an as yet unknown

Act One

[Enter Chorus]

Chorus. Two Families, both gayer than can be,
In queer San Fran where we seem where everyone wants to leave,
A fight between the Caps and Fulmontygues there brings,
Blood and other things on there hands make Mafioso and gangsters unclean.
And after much travails and triviality,
The men leave behind there sexuality,
Which for the fight twixt the families,
Doesn’t really seem to do one damn thing,
And like it or not, it now seems,
You are here despite your other places to be,
We’ve suckered you here, now watch and see…

Scene 1 a public square in San Francisco

[enter Sam and Greg, two black males, gangsters of the Caps, holding hands]

Sam– Greg, on my word, we’ll not carry coals.

Greg– What the heck are you talking about, you silly goose?

Sam– Err… I mean I’m angry and feel like getting in a fight.

Greg– I like the smacking of my body against someone else’s. Can we wrestle? Huh? Can we?

Sam– We’ll fight hard, if we find someone who makes us hard.

Greg– A dawg from the Fulmontygues makes me hard, if you know what I mean.

Sam– To be hard means it stands, and to stand means… you know. Unless they kick it to the curb.

Greg-That shows a weak sucka, as the weakest always gets kicked to the curb.

Sam-That’s true, and that’s why I always make girls go to the curb. Because, you know, I’m gay. Like the chorus said.

Greg– Oh, go on… Look! Here come some Fulmonties! Quick! Get out your “tool”

[Enter Leo and Braum, while Greg and Sampson fiddle around in their pants]

Leo- (mutters something Italianish)

Braum- (mutters back)

Sam– Oh, poo, it looks like we’ll need the subtitles pimp to translate. Yoo-hoo, Subtitles Pimp!

[enter Subtitles Pimp, carrying cards for subtitles.]

Leo– Mutters

[Subtitles Pimp shows first card saying, “What the heck are those two saying? And why did they start fiddling around in their pants when we were coming?”]

Greg– Look, Dawg, you wanna make sumthin’ of it, biznatch? You think your somebody? Huh, punk?

Braum– Mutters to Leo

[Second card reads, “God, what ARE they saying? They keep talking in Blinglish. Quick, get our Subtitles Pimp.” Second Subtitles Pimp enters]

Sam-They’re making fun of our Ebonics! Quick, let’s fight them, Gayngster style!

[Leo glances to Subtitles Pimp, who holds up card saying, “The Caps are going to cap your ass! Leo smiles. Subtitles Pimp shows new card saying “not like that.”]

[Proceed to breakdance, as Leo and Braum draw guns. Throughout the rest of the scene, the Subtitles Pimps talk to each other, than roughly midway sneak of into bushes, which start rustling. Enter Ben, whom Leo and Braum stop getting out there guns to look at him]

Ben-What in the HELL is going on here! You two are supposed to be fighting, not flopping around like a bunch of Kansas City Faggots!

Greg-But we are!

Ben– HELL no your not, bitch! You’re from San Francisco!

Sam– But we’re about to SERVE them!

Greg– Yeah, you know, you just got served?

Sam– Quick! Back to spinning on our heads like epileptics having a seizure!

[Braums and Leo resume drawing weapons, Ben shakes head in disgust, Sam and Greg resume “dancing”. Suddenly, red and blue lights start flashing. Enter Officer Honut]
Sam– Wait, is that-

Greg– Oh, god, yes it is!

Sam and Greg together– Flashing Lights!

[Sam and Greg begin to writhe on ground, as if in a seizure.]

Ben– Well, I guess it’s an improvement.

Officer Honut– Stop, before I need to get out my big black stick.

[Greg stops writhing]

Greg– But you’re white!

Officer Honut– No, not that one, my stick I use for beating!

Greg– Like I said-

Officer Honut– Just shut up a little! Now you all listen here, this is the third time this has happened! You all stop fighting, or I’ll need to have you all in handcuffs!

Greg– Isn’t that a little forward? I mean, usually I want dinner and a movie first…

Officer Honut– Alright, in the car, right now!

Greg– I’ve done it in lots of strange places but never a police car! Jeez, wait till I tell the guys about this!

[Exit Greg]

Officer Honut– Now, back to what I was saying, stop fighting, or I’ll have you all in jail!

[Sam stops writhing]

Sam– All of us at once, or just one at a time?

Officer Honut– Alright, you get in the car, too!

Sam– Ooh, threesome! But won’t the car be a little cramped?

[exit Sam]

Officer Honut–Alright, that does it, I’ll kill all of ya next time I catch you fighting! And I won’t bother to fill out the paperwork first, either!

Officer Honut– That does it! The next time I catch you guys fighting, I’m going to kill you, then have you in jail!

Braums– [mutters something]

Subtitles Pimp- [holds up card reading, “Someone’s getting into necrophilia.”]

Officer Honut– Alright, that’s it, you’re going to pound-me-in-the-ass prison too!

Leo- [mutters something in an impassioned voice

Subtitles pimp- [holds up card reading “Take me with you!”]

Officer Honut– With pleasure!

[Exuent all except Ben and Subtitles Pimps. Enter Fulmontygue and Tran Svestite]

Ben– Well if the gay meter around here didn’t just jump fifty points. Oh, hi Fulmontygue. Who’s that with you?

Fulmontygue– This is my latest spouse after my last one died of that horrible yeast infection. Her name is Tran. Tran Svestite. Plus, she’s Gaysian.

Ben– Her? But you’re gay?

Fulmontygue– Oh, Tran is a Transvestite.

Tran– She bangs! She bangs!

Ben– Oh, Christ on a cracker…

Fulmontygue– Jeez, this place is messier than my bedroom after roughhousing-

Tran– She bangs!

Fulmontygue– Tran said it! What happened?

Ben– There was a big fight between your guys and the Caps, and then Officer Honut showed up and threatened to kill everyone the next time it happened!

Tran– She bangs!

Fulmontygue– No, Officer Honut’s a guy. Anyway, have you seen Homeo?

Ben– Yeah, I saw him around the park, wearing a huge overcoat and making strange noises when some people would get near, but when he saw me he ran off. Hey, I respect that guy’s privacy and privates. He seems to be moping a lot, hasn’t he?

Tran– She bangs!

Ben– God, this guy is making me feel like moping. But not exposing myself. Not yet, anyway...

Fulmontygue– Calm yourselves! I know what you’re talking about, Ben. I’ve seen him like that a lot, usually at night, crying and making small children cry. And he’s been locking himself in his room with the lights off during the day, writing depressing poetry. I mean, Jesus in a Jack-in-a-Box, he’s going EMO! He needs some guidance.

[Enter Romeo]

Fulmontygue– Quick, here he comes now! Me and Tran are going to go have a little quiet time.

Tran- [Picks up madly vibrating “thing”] Ooh! Massager!

Fulmontygue– Ummm… That’s not a massager…

Tran– She bangs!

Fulmontygue– Not yet Tran, that’s why we have hotel rooms.

[Exit Tran and Fulmontygue]

Ben– Good morning, sunshine!

Homeo– Morning already? The day’s not even as young as that eight year old I just-

Ben– Umm… yeah, just nine o’clock!

Homeo– The hours just seem to crawl by for me. Did I just see my dad around here?

Ben– Yeah, but anyway, what’s wrong?

Homeo– Not having what make’s me “long”

Ben– You like someone, don’t you?

Homeo– Yeah, but he doesn’t like me. I think I might just go kill myself.

Ben– You’re just trying to cheer me up, aren’t you? I mean, errr… Too bad he doesn’t feel the same about you like you do about him! Yep, sure a shame!

Homeo-Alas, the love which makes me feel as this,
Makes my love grow but pissed,
My amorous affectations are rejected,
And restraining orders may yet be injected.
Forcing me to hide and quitting to admire,
The closet dweller of my greatest desires,
Who, refusing to draw out of his shell,
I’ll have to go home, and play with myself.

Ben– Damn, man, you just went all Shakespearean-medieval on my ass.

Homeo– No, but we can do that later if you want.

Ben– Aw… Jesus…. No thanks...aw… damn… Who are you talking about, anyway?

Homeo– A holy man, so pure and chaste,
But he follows his vows to gain heavenly grace,
In confession all that goes on is words,
He shakes boys hands, but not their worms,
And it leaves me out in the cold,
That the reason his love to me isn’t sold,
Isn’t just that I’m too old!

Ben– Uh… Have you tried looking at other guys?

Homeo– No. Jesus, wouldn’t be much of a plot here then, would there?

Ben– Well, we’ll just wait. I’m sure something will come up.

Homeo- [looks at bushes containing Subtitles Pimps] Looks like there’s already something up over there.

[Exuent all except Subtitles Pimps, one who holds up card reading, “Oh, OH, OH!”]

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------So what'd ya'll think?

Fine Cogitation, you win, did what you said.

Here's the other one...

The Nutshell– Romeo=Macintosh User (belongs to Macintogues®)
Geekulet=Windows User (belongs to Microapulets©)
The companies both of them work for don’t like each other for this. Next is what I just said in poetic terms. Nerdeo finds Geekulet after an office party. He likes her, but she just brushed him off with a hug, which he took as a sign of mutual love. Later, Geekulet tries to get on Control Alts (character equating to Tybalt) and see why he got so mad at Microgue (Montageu) however she walks into the wrong cubicle, and finds it’s a Macintosh, which she cannot use. Romeo takes what she says symbolically, and believes she’s saying this symbolically as how she’s feeling about him, and how it separates them, instead of at face value, which she means. He says he doesn’t like the OS because she doesn’t, and offers to change it. She says she’ll let him, further drawing him into the belief that she truly does like him. Sorry, buddy.


Nerdeo and Geekulet
The Prologue
[enter Chorus]
Chorus: Two companies, both alike in GDP,
In Silicon Valley, where we lay our scene,
From OS differences break to new fighting,
Where watercooler squabbles make programmer hands unclean,
From forth this office space there brings,
Two overclocked lovers, with a burnout nearing,
Doth with there firing lay off there ex-employers fight,
Which, would otherwise be settled in court or accounting,
Is now the two hours play time of this non-electronic screen,
Which if you don’t pay attention, shall wonder about it’s meaning.

Act II scene 2
[enter Romeo]
Nerdeo: He jests at bugs that never felt a breakdown.

[enter Geekulet, into a cubicle, taking no notice of Nerdeo]

But software! What light through yonder cubicle breaks?
It is the computer plagued with woe, and Geekulet is the Norton Antivirus Program™!
Arise, fair program, and kill the envious virus,
Who is already decrepit and surpassed three weeks ago by a superior update,
Thou art (currently) a fairer operating system than she,
Oh, all the other computers turn to a blue screen compared to thee,
But your skin doth glow with all the health of a new monitor,
She types, yet about nothing,
Her screen e-mails, shall I respond?
I am to forward in spirit, or will I forward,
and speak again of this to a friend?
Compared to here a plasma screen is mere black and white,
HDTV a sham,
Oh! How she rests her cheek upon her hand,
If only I could conjure the bravery,
To merely IM her,
That I might connect to her, if merely over the LAN cables!

Geekulet: Work, you piece of crap!

Nerdeo:She speaks!
O, speak again, webmaster of my heart! For thou art,
A light brighter than the fluorescents o’er my head,
As is a yellowed memo of our overseer,
Speaking of the deliverance of a day unto ourselves,
Filled with leisure and fulfillment,
When one’s mind can graze where it will,
Like a cow let loose from a pasture,
To graze on sweeter fields!

Geekulet: Stupid iMac!
I may deny my father company and refuse your systems!
Or if you won’t, I may just switch over to Windows!

Nerdeo: Shall I hear more, or shall I speak at this?

Geekulet: Tis not just thy name that is my enemy,
Thou art what thou twas made to be,
What’s Macintosh? Tis not mouse nor keyboard,
Nor monitor nor tower, nor any other part
Belonging to a machine, o, but thou art some other thing named!
What’s in a name?
Letters, for sooth, but other than that
That which we call a speaker would sound the same hooked to any machine,
So Macintosh would act the same put on any other machine,
Retain the infernal complexity which by thou art known,
Without that title. Mac, I doff thy name, thou art now no part of my machine,
And look for a Windows.

Nerdeo: Look no farther, my master,
Call me but now, and I’ll be thou’s troubleshooter,
And be glad to change operating systems, lacking that

Geekulet: Who’s there? Don’t make me call security, you eavesdropping perv!

Nerdeo: By a word,
I know not how to tell thee what I use,
My OS is as hateful to me as thou’s is to thine,
Had I made it, it would hence be residing in the recycle bin.

Geekulet: I’ve barely heard you,
Yet I realize whom thou art.
Art thou Nerdeo, and a Macintosh?

Nerdeo: Neither, my mistress of machinations,
I would delete both if thou wished it.

Geekulet: How came you here, answer please, and wherefrom?
The doors are locked and the windows sealed,
Albeit thou does work here,
If you were found after hours with a women in thou’s cubicle,
It would be the death of a e-salesman for thee.

Nerdeo: With love’s light fire escape I dead breach the windows,
For a carelessly forgotten window cannot keep one’s wishes at bay,
And what wishes can do, if one dares attempt,
And my co-workers have oft found me late at my cell,
And I care not of their thoughts.

Geekulet: Though I do, as I am hence associated by sight with thee.

Nerdeo: There is more danger in thine’s machine,
Than in twenty rumor full e-mails!
Merely being in thou’s presence,
And I am ever protected.

Geekulet: I would not for the world they found thou with me.

Nerdeo: I have overtime’s cloak to hid me from their gazes.
And but thou be in my sight, let them find us.
I would rather have a career ended by their hate,
Than the loss of the lack of you can cause.

Geekulet: This is kind of freaky. Who told you I was here?

Nerdeo: By mere want of thee,
Led me to follow thee to where thou now stands,
It was my pilot, and would have led me through constant turbulence to find thee.

Geekulet: Thou can see plainly by the fluorescent light my cheek change to crimson,
For what I hath said for this colors them,
If the knowledge of thou laying on the outside of these walls was lent to me,
Mine words would have been fairer,
Thy’s desire to help is a great one,
Dost thou help me? I know thou wish to,
And I will take thee at thy word.
But I know not for how long,
As computers hardships drive men mad,
If thou wishest to assist me, I surrender my hard drive to thee.
Or if thou thinks I am too quick to come forward and ask for help,
But I have more need of thee than those who ask not.
I should have been less forward, I’ll acquiesce,
But had thoust not been stalking me, I’d treat thee kinder.
Therefore, pardon me, and I entreat thine’s tech support.

Nerdeo: I swear by my very self-

Geekulet: O, swear not by thine self,
As I wish thee not to be constant.
I would merely like thee to be seen at my most dire technical moments,
As I would not have you constantly with me.

Nerdeo: If that’s how thee’d have me-

Geekulet: Well, mind it not then. As I enjoy thee’s services,
I have as much joy as you have of it.
This machines problems, though bad,
Will only be used once,
Like lightning, never striking the same twice,

Nerdeo: Your words merely give me dedication,
And a black hope your machine may die
so I may speak again to thee

Geekulet: Someone’s coming! Crap!

[Exit Geekulet quickly]

Nerdeo: Geekulet!

[Enter Geekulet]

Nerdeo: When shalt I see thou again?

Geekulet– Oh, yeah, listen, I’ll send my secretary to thine’s break room, give her the disk of what we have wish.

[Exeunt]

Act II, scene 5
Geekulet’s office
[enter Geekulet]

Geekulet: The clock struck nine when I did send the secretary,
In half an hour she promised to return.
Perhaps she could not meet him. That’s not so.
O, what a lame-o! Her thoughts should be email,
Which ten times faster than the speed of light they art,
Speeding through cables and fiberoptic lines,
Therefore solve my problems as a statue draws pigeons,
And therefore, unlike pigeons,
Not depositing burdens onto my shoulders,
Relieve them hence!
It has been three hours and she is still unseen,
Were she not old nor fat,
She would be faster than a message of instant,
But those who spend all there time on computers may as well be dead,
Than fat, heavy, and lazy and pale as lead.

[enter Secretary]

O, God she’s here! O sweet secretary, what news?
Did you find him?
Now, nimble fingered secretary– O, lord, why do you look so sad?
Though the message, be bad, at least act glad,
If it is good, then you do me a disservice by acting as such,
And I may file a harassment complaint with the boss.

Secretary: I am tired, bother me not,
The distance between our neighboring cubicles is quite a trot!

Geekulet: I would if it were me, but you are not,
So sit up, speak up, and rest you not.

Secretary: Jesus, you’re in a hurry! You’ve got the time!
Can’t you see I’m out of breath?

Geekulet: You’re not out of breath,
You have breath to say you’re out of breath!
You’re making excuses,
I’ll dock your pay!
If you do not cease this delay.
You’re complaining is longer than you’re tale
Now tell me if the news is bad or well,
Say either, and you’re paycheck is back
If you speak if news is white or black?

Secretary: Well, you’ve done a stupid thing, you know,
To choose an OS like windows.
Though it’s logo well known, it’s truly bad,
It’s mass of coding is bug laden,
The programs included are truly craven,
The best of which is solitaire,
For it is used most beyond compare.
But tis’ thy choice, I’ll bug you not,
As you computer will do to you, I’ll warrant

Geekulet: Look, look, I know, alright? Did you get it the program or not?

Secretary: Lord, how my head aches! What a migraine I have!
It beats as if it would crash as your computer surely will!
Oh I ache all over. Curse you for making me walk such a long ways.
I bet I’ll have a heart attack o’er such strains.

Geekulet: Alright, I’m sorry you're not feeling well, Oh nimble-fingered secretary, what does Nerdeo have for me?

Secretary: He had true sorrow for my aching feet, that gentleman, he is courteous, and kind, and handsome, and I warrant, a computer wiz, says– Where is your mouse?

Geekulet: Where is my mouse? Why, he went up the clock,
Why, what’s up doc?
How you seem to talk!
“What mean you by where is your mouse?”

Secretary: O, god, Lady!
Are you so eager? System switch, I bet.
Is this the Advil for my aching bones?
Next time, you attempt your errands.

Geekulet: Here’s some Midol instead, you sound like you need it. Come on, what did Nerdeo have?

Secretary:Have you gone to church today?

Geekulet: Ummm… maybe. Oh, yeah, I got communion at the drive-thru window. Why?

Secretary: Then run thee to the Little White Wedding chapel,
There stays a husband to make you a wife.
Why do you blush? Surely thou knew?

Geekulet: That idiot! I’ll need to go set him straight!
In light of this it seems I cannot wait!
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------What'd you think of this one?