NationStates Jolt Archive

How many members of the Bush administration are needed to replace
a light bulb?

The Answer is SEVEN:


- One to deny that a light bulb needs to be replaced;
- One to attack and question the patriotism of anyone who has questions about the light bulb;
- One to blame the previous administration for the need of a new light bulb;
- One to arrange the invasion of a country rumoured to have a secret stockpile of light bulbs;
- One to get together with Vice President Cheney and figure out how to pay Halliburton $63 million for a light bulb;
- One to arrange a photo-op session showing Bush changing the light bulb while dressed in a flight suit and wrapped in an American flag;
and finally,
- One to explain to Bush the difference between screwing a light bulb and screwing his country.


Maybe Bush will get to see the light afterall. ???

Three tourists were driving through Wales.

As they were approaching Llanfairpwllgwyngyllgogerychwyrndrobwllllantysiliogogogoch, they started arguing about the pronunciation of the town's name.

They argued back and forth until they stopped for lunch.

As they stood at the counter one asked the blonde employee, "Before we order, could you please settle an argument for us? Would you please pronounce where we are... very slowly?"

The girl leaned over the counter and said, "Burrrrrr, gerrrrrr, Kiiiiiing."

=================

A diminutive Welshman was up before the magistrates in London charged with a sexual assault on a much larger Australian female.

The magistrates were baffled as to how he had managed it and closely questioned the policeman who had arrested him.

"How on earth did he do it, officer?"

"He used a bucket, sir."

"You mean he stood on it?"

"No, sir, he put it over her head and swung from the handle."

================

A shepherd from Llanwelly was arrested in Cardiff for indecent exposure and the magistrate asked him how he plead, "Innocent your grace! I was only relieving myself!"

"Case dismissed!" The magistrate turned to the constable and upbraided him, "This man should never have been charged! What's the next case?"

The constable answered, "The girl who was relieving him."

http://llanfairpwllgwyngyllgogerychwyrndrobwllllantysiliogogogoch.com/

thats actaully pretty funny... well.. ive only read the first so far... but i'll read the rest when im not lazy... or when i am... what

If you speak Latin you should understand why Democrats are truly sinister politicians!!!

If you speak Latin you should understand why Democrats are truly sinister politicians!!!

lol. good thing you pointed that out. :lol:

If you speak Latin you should understand why Democrats are truly sinister politicians!!!

lol. good thing you pointed that out. :lol:

You guys mean the Italian " a destra" (right) and "a sinistra" (left)

That is how I understanded those words when somebody explained me the way I had to follow by car in Turin. :)

A couple more:

1.) What do you call a woman who has lost 98% of her brain?
Divorced.
2.) What are the three types of men?
The kind, the caring, and the majority.
(Incase you can't tell, these jokes were sent by a woman...)

3.) On his wedding day a young lad went to his mother to ask what the meaning of a woman's wedding dress was. His mother replied "Well, it is to show the people that the bride is pure." Unsatisfied, he went to his father and asked the same question. He replied "Son, all domestic appliances are white."

4.) Little Red Riding Hood was walking through the woods one day when she met a wolf. The wolf said to her "Red, i'm going to s**ew your brains out!" Red calmly reached into her picnic basket, pulled out a .44 magnum and replied "No you're not, you're going to eat me, just like it says in the book!"

Any more jokes are appreciated! Cheers.

Read my romeo and juliet spoofs! They are very funny! You must believe me!

Read my romeo and juliet spoofs! They are very funny! You must believe me!

Do you have a link?

here (http://www.nationstates.net/forum/viewtopic.php?t=149273) and here (http://www.nationstates.net/forum/viewtopic.php?t=149272)

Clicky (www.freewebs.com/benjaminm/index.htm) My site - I'd update it more but I cant find my fecking way to the HTML edit link

here (http://www.nationstates.net/forum/viewtopic.php?t=149273) and here (http://www.nationstates.net/forum/viewtopic.php?t=149272)

Nice, I bless you, my son...

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Just picked-up this one:

Five surgeons are discussing who makes the best patients to operate on.

The first surgeon says, "I like to see accountants on my operating table because when you open them up, everything inside is numbered."

The second responds, "Yeah, but you should try electricians! Everything inside them is color coded."

The third surgeon says, "No, I really think librarians are the best; everything inside them is in alphabetical order."

The fourth surgeon chimes in: "You know, I like construction workers, those guys always understand when you have a few parts left over at the end, and when the job takes longer than you said it would."

But the fifth surgeon shut them all up when he observed "You're all wrong, Deeloleo politicians are the easiest to operate on."
"There's no guts, no heart, no balls, no brains and no spine, and the head and the butt are interchangeable."

A guy walks into a bar and order's a double martini on the rocks. After he finishes his drink he peeks inside his shirt pocket and then orders another double. After he finishes that one he peeks inside his pocket again and then orders another drink. The bartender say's "look buddy, I'll brink you martini's all night long, but you gotta tell me why you keep looking in your pocket before you order every drink". The guy replies "I'm peeking at a photo of my wife, when she starts to look good, I know it's time to go home".

Haha. :lol:

And another:

THE SETTING: A Scottish old timer in Scotland, in a bar, talking to a young man.

Old Man: "Lad, look out there to the field. Do ya see that fence? Look how well it's built. I built that fence stone by stone with me own two hands. Piled it for months. But do they call me McGregor-the-Fence-Builder? Nooo.."

Then the old man gestured at the bar. "Look here at the bar. Do ya see how smooth and just it is? I planed that surface down by me own achin' back. I carved that wood with me own hard labour, for eight days. But do they call me McGregor-the-Bar-builder? Nooo..."

Then the old man points out the window. "Eh, Laddy, look out to sea. Do ya see that pier that sretches out as far as the eye can see? I built that pier with the sweat off me back. I nailed it board by board. But do they call me McGregor-the-Pier-Builder? Nooo..."

Then the old man looks around nervously, trying to make sure no one is paying attention.

"But ya fuck one goat . . . "

Not my cup of tea but picked from internet:


Some more to chuckle.

Thank God for church ladies with typewriters. These sentences appeared in church bulletins and/or were announced in a church service:
1. Bertha Belch, a missionary from Africa will be speaking tonight at Calvary Memorial Church in Racine. Come tonight and hear Bertha Belch all the way from Africa.

2. Announcement in the church bulletin for a National PRAYER & FASTING Conference: "The cost for attending the Fasting and Prayer Conference includes meals."

3. Our youth basketball team is back in action Wednesday at 8 PM in the recreation hall. Come out and watch us kill Christ the King.

4. Miss Charlene Mason sang "I will not pass this way again" giving obvious pleasure to the congregation.

5. "Ladies, don't forget the rummage sale. It's a chance to get rid of those things not worth keeping around the house. Don't forget your husbands.."

6. The peacemaking meeting scheduled for today has been canceled due to a conflict.

7. The sermon this morning: "Jesus Walks on the Water." The sermon tonight:
"Searching for Jesus"

8. Next Thursday there will be tryouts for the choir. They need all the help they can get.

9. Barbara remains in the hospital and needs blood donors for more transfusions. She is also having trouble sleeping and requests tapes of Pastor Jack's sermons.

10. During the absence of our Pastor, we enjoyed the rare privilege of hearing a good sermon when J.F. Stubbs supplied our pulpit.

11. The Rector will preach his farewell message after which the choir will sing "Break Forth into Joy."

12. Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our community.

13. Smile at someone who is hard to love. Say "hell" to someone who doesn't care much about you.

14. Don't let worry kill you off-let the Church help.

15. Irving Benson and Jessie Carter were married on October 24 in the church. So ends a friendship that began in their school days.

16. A bean supper will be held on Tuesday evening in the church hall. Music will follow.

17. At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be"What is Hell?" Come early and listen to our choir practice.

18. Eight new choir robes are currently needed, due to the addition of several new members and to the deterioration of some older ones.

19. The senior choir invites any member of the congregation who enjoys sinning to join the choir.

20. The Lutheran men's group will meet at 6 P.M. Steak, mashed potatoes, green beans, bread and dessert will be served for a nominal feel.

21. For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a nursery downstairs.

22. Please place your donation in the envelope along with the deceased person(s) you want
remembered.

23. The church will host an evening of fine dining, superb entertainment, and gracious hostility.

24. Potluck supper Sunday at 5:00 P.M....prayer and medication to
follow.

25. The ladies of the Church have cast off clothing of every kind. They may be seen in the basement on Friday afternoon.

26. This evening at 7 P.M. there will be a hymn sing-a-long in the park across from the Church. Bring a blanket and come prepared to sin.
27. Ladies Bible Study will be held Thursday morning at 10. All ladies are invited to lunch in the Fellowship Hall after the B.S. is done.

28. The pastor would appreciate it if the ladies of thecongregation would lend him their electric girdles for the pancake breakfast next Sunday morning.

29. Low Self Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday at 7 PM. Please use the back door.

30. The eighth-graders will be presenting Shakespeare's Hamlet in the Church basement Friday at 7 PM. The Congregation is invited to attend this tragedy.

31. Weight Watchers will meet at 7 PM at the First Presbyterian Church. Please; use large double door at the side entrance.

32. Mrs. Johnson will be entering the hospital this week for testes.

33. The Associate Minister unveiled the church's new tithing campaign slogan last Sunday: "I Upped My Pledge - Up Yours." To

So there is a Russian guy, and American guy, and they meet in hell

So Satan questions them what kind of hell would like to go to? Russian or American. American guys asked what was the difference, and Satan answered. "Well In American hell you have to eat 1 bucket of shit everyday, and in Russian 2 buckets of shit everyday."

So American calculated for awhile, and said that he wanted to go to American Hell, since there is only one bucket of shit to eat.

Russian, said, well my life was shit anyway, always lived in shit, so I guess I'll go to Russian hell.

2 months later:

Same people meet each other, and asking how is in each hell. American guy said well, eat 1 bucket of shit, and that's it. How is in Russian hell he asks, so the Russian answers. "Well sometimes we don't have enough buckets for everyone, or they forget to deliver shit.

It was getting a little crowded in Heaven, so God decided to change the admittance policy. The new law was that, in order to get into Heaven, you had to have a really bad day the day you died. The policy would go into effect at noon the following day.

So the next day at 12:01 the first person came to the gates of Heaven. The angel at the gate, remembering about the new law, promptly asked the man, "Before I can let you in, I need you to tell me about the day you died." "No problem.", said the man. "Well, for some time now, I've thought my wife was having an affair. I believed that each day on her lunch hour, she'd bring her lover home to our 25th floor apartment and have sex with him. So today I was going to come home too and catch them. Well, I got there and busted in and immediately began searching for this guy. My wife was half naked and yelling at me as I searched the entire apartment. But, damn it, I couldn't find him! Just as I was about to give up, I happened to glance out onto the balcony and noticed that there was a man hanging off the edge by his fingertips! The nerve of that guy to think he could hide from me! Well I ran out there and promptly stomped on his fingers until he fell to the ground. But, wouldn't you know it, he landed in some bushes that broke his fall, and he didn't die. This pissed me off even more so in a rage I went back inside to get the first thing I could get my hands on to throw at him. And oddly enough, the first thing I could grab was the refrigerator. I unplugged it, pushed it out onto the balcony and heaved it over the side. It plummeted 25 stories and crushed him! The excitement of the moment was so great that right after that I had a heart attack and died almost instantly."

The angel sat back and thought for a moment. Technically, the guy DID have a bad day, and it WAS a crime of passion, so he announced, "Ok, sir. Welcome to the Kingdom of Heaven.", and let him in.

A few seconds later the next guy came up. "Ok. Here's the rule. Before I can let you in, I need to hear about the day you died." "Sure thing.", the man replied. "But you're not gonna believe this. I was out on the balcony of my 26th floor apartment doing my daily exercises when I got a little carried away and accidentally fell over the side! Luckily however, I was able to catch myself by my fingertips on the balcony directly beneath mine. When all of a sudden this crazy man comes running out of his apartment and starts cussing and stomping on my fingers! Well of course I fall. I hit some trees and bushes on the way down which broke my fall so I didn't die right away. As I'm laying there face up on the ground, unable to move and in excruciating pain, I see the man push his refrigerator, of all things, over the ledge and it falls directly on top of me and kills me!"

The angel thought this was a very bad day, so he let him in . "Welcome to the Kingdom of Heaven.", and he lets the man enter.

A few seconds later the third man in line comes up to the gate. "Tell me about the day you died.", said the angel.

"Ok. Picture this.", says the man. "I'm naked inside a refrigerator...."

A guy walks into the local welfare office, marches straight up to the counter and says, "Hi...You know, I just HATE drawing welfare. I'd really rather have a job."

The social worker behind the counter says, "Your timing is excellent. We just got a job opening from a very wealthy old man who wants a chauffeur and bodyguard for his nymphomaniac daughter. You'll have to drive around in his Mercedes, but he'll supply all of your clothes. Because of the long hours, meals will be provided. You'll be expected to escort her on her overseas holiday trips. You will have to satisfy her sexual urges. You'll have a two-bedroom apartment above the garage. The starting salary is $200,000 a year".

The guy says, "You're bullshittin' me!"

The social worker says, "Yeah, well... you started it."

Massive gravedigging. Don't do it again.