NationStates Jolt Archive

A man walks into a drug store with his 8-year-old son. They happen to walk by the condom display, and the boy asks, “What are these, Dad?” The man matter-of-factly replies, “Those are called condoms, son. Men use them to have safe sex. “Oh I see,” replied the boys pensively. “Yes, I’ve heard of that in health class at school.” He looks over the display and picks up a package of three and asks, “Why are there three in this package.” The dad replies, “Those are for high-school boys. One for Friday, one for Saturday, and one for Sunday.” “Cool!” says the boy. He notices a pack of six and asks “Then who are these for?” “Those are for college men.” the dad answers, “Two for Friday, two for Saturday, and two for Sunday.” “WOW!” exclaimed the boy. “Then who uses these?” he asks, picking up a 12-pack. With a sigh, the dad replied, “Those are for married men. One for January, one for February, one for March…”

Once upon a time there was an elderly gentleman suffering from Alzheimer’s. His wife of 40 years loved him very much, but she couldn’t handle him any longer. He would wander about, never knowing where he was or, sometimes, even who he was. She decided to take him to a nursing home. At the nursing home, while the wife was filling out paperwork, a nurse had the gentleman sit in a chair. Suddenly the man started slowly leaning to his left. The nurse ran over and put a pillow on his left side to prop him up. A few minutes later, he started leaning to his right. The nurse ran over and put a pillow on his right side. Then he started leaning forward. This time the nurse strapped him into the chair. After completing the paperwork, his wife walked up to him and asked, "So are you sure this place is okay?" "It’s okay," he said, "but why won’t they let me fart?"

If you take an Oriental person and spin him around several times, does he become disoriented?

If people from Poland are called Poles, why aren't people from Holland called Holes?

If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?

When cheese gets its picture taken, what does it say?

Why isn't the number 11 pronounced onety one?

Do Lipton Tea employees take coffee breaks?

I thought about how mothers feed their babies with tiny little spoons and forks so I wondered what do Chinese mothers use? Toothpicks?

If it's true that we are here to help others, then what exactly are the others here for?

Ever wonder what the speed of lightning would be if it didn't zigzag?

Last night I played a blank tape at full blast. The mime next door went nuts.

Whatever happened to Preparations A through G?

If 4 out of 5 people SUFFER from diarrhea...Does that mean the fifth one enjoys it?

And many more where those come from.

If you take an Oriental person and spin him around several times, does he become disoriented?

If people from Poland are called Poles, why aren't people from Holland called Holes?

If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?

When cheese gets its picture taken, what does it say?

Why isn't the number 11 pronounced onety one?

Do Lipton Tea employees take coffee breaks?

I thought about how mothers feed their babies with tiny little spoons and forks so I wondered what do Chinese mothers use? Toothpicks?

If it's true that we are here to help others, then what exactly are the others here for?

Ever wonder what the speed of lightning would be if it didn't zigzag?

Last night I played a blank tape at full blast. The mime next door went nuts.

Whatever happened to Preparations A through G?

If 4 out of 5 people SUFFER from diarrhea...Does that mean the fifth one enjoys it?

And many more where those come from.

OMFG !!! Those are funny !!!

NEWS MYSTERY OF THE YEAR: ABOMINABLE SHOE MAN?

A Swedish couple hunting on a remote mountain in Sweden's far northern province of Jaemtland have found 70 pairs of shoes, all filled with butter.

There were 140 shoes of all kinds - trainers, high heels, boots and tap shoes - each stuffed with half a kilo of butter and spread out in the landscape.

"If we knew who had done this we could make them clean this mess up," Alf Kjaellstroem, a province spokesman said.

"It's not going to be pretty when the butter starts to rot. And we have to wait for the snow so we can get up there with the snowmobile."

from Associated Press Thursday 9th October 2003

NEWS MYSTERY OF THE YEAR: ABOMINABLE SHOE MAN?

A Swedish couple hunting on a remote mountain in Sweden's far northern province of Jaemtland have found 70 pairs of shoes, all filled with butter.

There were 140 shoes of all kinds - trainers, high heels, boots and tap shoes - each stuffed with half a kilo of butter and spread out in the landscape.

"If we knew who had done this we could make them clean this mess up," Alf Kjaellstroem, a province spokesman said.

"It's not going to be pretty when the butter starts to rot. And we have to wait for the snow so we can get up there with the snowmobile."

from Associated Press Thursday 9th October 2003

It turns out that the above "mystery" was in fact some weird form of art by some German named Boris Duhm. He filmed the shoes on the mountain with plans to show them at the Gallery Colosseum in Gothenburg. Artists... :roll:

Okay, a joke then...

Two men were comparing binoculars that they had recently purchased. One had bought an expensive pair of Swiss binoculars, while the other had bought a cheaper Japanese pair that he argued was just as good.

"Why, just the other day," he said, "I could see clear into your bedroom window with these, when you and your wife were doing the dirty deed!"

"Hah!" said the other triumphantly. "Had you had MY binoculars, you would have seen that it was YOUR wife!"

A dyslexic man walks into a bra...

Arrr, you tempt me to go get more jokes.

A man wakes up and discovers that his flat is on fire, so he calls the fire-brigade:

-YOU GOTTA COME HERE QUICK!!! SWEET JESUS, EVERYTHING IS ON FIRE!!!
-Calm down Sir. How do we get there?
-DON'T YOU HAVE THESE REALLY BIG, RED TRUCKS?!?

“Bless me Father, for I have sinned. I have not been to confession for six months. On top of that, I’ve been with a loose woman.” The priest sighs. “Is that you, little Tommy O’Shaughnessy?” “Yes, Father, ’tis I.” “And who might be the woman you were with?” “I shan’t be tellin’ you, Father. It would ruin her reputation.” “Well, Tommy, I’m bound to find out sooner or later, so you may as well tell me now. Was it Brenda O’Malley?” “I cannot say.” “Was it Patricia Fitzgerald?” “I’ll never tell.” “Was it Lisa O’Shanter?” “I’m sorry, but I’ll not name her.” “Was it Cathy O’Dell?” “My lips are sealed.” “Was it Fiona Mallory, then?” “Please, Father, I cannot tell you.” The priest sighs in frustration. “You’re a steadfast lad, Tommy O’ Shaughnessy, and I admire that. But you’ve sinned, and you must atone. Be off with you now.” Tommy walks back to his pew. His friend Sean slides over and whispers, “What’d you get?” “Five more good leads!”

A man walks into his bedroom and finds his wife in bed with another man. “What are you doing?” he yells. “See?” the wife says to her lover. “I told you he was dumb.”

this isnt really a joke, but it is the most dementedly funny thing i have ever seen
http://www.funnyjunk.com/pages/cat/html

If you speak Latin you should understand why Democrats are truly sinister politicians!!!

NEWS MYSTERY OF THE YEAR: ABOMINABLE SHOE MAN?

A Swedish couple hunting on a remote mountain in Sweden's far northern province of Jaemtland have found 70 pairs of shoes, all filled with butter.

There were 140 shoes of all kinds - trainers, high heels, boots and tap shoes - each stuffed with half a kilo of butter and spread out in the landscape.

"If we knew who had done this we could make them clean this mess up," Alf Kjaellstroem, a province spokesman said.

"It's not going to be pretty when the butter starts to rot. And we have to wait for the snow so we can get up there with the snowmobile."

from Associated Press Thursday 9th October 2003

It turns out that the above "mystery" was in fact some weird form of art by some German named Boris Duhm. He filmed the shoes on the mountain with plans to show them at the Gallery Colosseum in Gothenburg. Artists... :roll:

Modern Art... :roll:

Wanna hear a joke?
The Pitsburgh Pirates

Why did the blonde snort lines of Sweet and Low?

She thought it was diet coke.

What do you call a dead blonde in the closet.....



The winner of last years game of hide and go seek.

A man was skydiving enjoying his free-fall when he realises he is at the right altitude to open his shute. So he pulls his rip cord and nothing happens. "no problem" he says to himself and pulls the emergency shute. Again nothing happens. "oh shit, what am I going to do?" he says to himself. Just then he sees a man flying up from the ground. He can't figure out where this man is coming from or what he's doing, but think's to himself, "maybe he can help me". When the man is close enough, the skydiver cups his hands and shouts "do you know anything about parachutes?" the man replies "no, do you know anything about gas stoves?"

What is the last thing that goes through a bug's mind as it hits the windscreen?

It's ass

this isnt really a joke, but it is the most dementedly funny thing i have ever seen
http://www.funnyjunk.com/pages/cat/html

please kill me now, that page has exausted my funny :)