NewXmen
25-05-2004, 07:26
The Bridge of Death
MONTE COOK: There it is!
RYAN DANCEY: The Bridge of Death!
KEVIN SIEMBIEDA: Oh, great.
RYAN DANCEY: Look! There's the cat-piss man from the game store!
ROBIN LAWS: What is he doing here?
RYAN DANCEY: He is the keeper of the Bridge of Death. He asks each traveler five questions--
MONTE COOK: Three questions.
RYAN DANCEY: Three questions. He who answers the five questions--
MONTE COOK: Three questions.
RYAN DANCEY: Three questions may cross in safety.
KEVIN SIEMBIEDA: What if you get a question wrong?
RYAN DANCEY: Then you are cast into the Gorge of FATAL.
KEVIN SIEMBIEDA: Oh, I won't go.
MONTE COOK: Who's going to answer the questions?
RYAN DANCEY: Kevin!
KEVIN SIEMBIEDA: Yes?
RYAN DANCEY: Brave Kevin Siembieda, you go.
KEVIN SIEMBIEDA: Hey! I've got a great idea. Why doesn't Steve go?
STEVE JACKSON: Yes. Let me go, my lord. I will take him single-handed. I shall write a GURPS splatbook that--
RYAN DANCEY: No, no. No. Hang on! Hang on! Hang on! Just answer the five questions--
MONTE COOK: Three questions.
RYAN DANCEY: Three questions as best you can. And we shall watch... and pray.
STEVE JACKSON: I understand.
RYAN DANCEY: Good luck, brave Steve. Gygax be with you.
BRIDGEKEEPER: Stop! Who would cross the Bridge of Death must answer me these questions three, ere the other side he see.
STEVE JACKSON: Ask me the questions, bridgekeeper. I am not afraid.
BRIDGEKEEPER: WHAT...is your name?
STEVE JACKSON: My name is Steve Jackson.
BRIDGEKEEPER: WHAT...is your quest?
STEVE JACKSON: To seek the Ultimate Game.
BRIDGEKEEPER: WHAT...is your favorite system?
STEVE JACKSON: GURPS.
BRIDGEKEEPER: Right. Off you go.
STEVE JACKSON: Oh, thank you. Thank you very much.
KEVIN SIEMBIEDA: That's easy!
BRIDGEKEEPER: Stop! Who approacheth the Bridge of Death must answer me these questions three, ere the other side he see.
KEVIN SIEMBIEDA: Ask me the questions, bridgekeeper. I'm not afraid.
BRIDGEKEEPER: WHAT...is your name?
KEVIN SIEMBIEDA: Kevin Siembieda, of Palladium Games
BRIDGEKEEPER: WHAT...is your quest?
KEVIN SIEMBIEDA: To seek the Ultimate Game.
BRIDGEKEEPER: WHAT...are the prerequisites for taking Improved Sunder?
KEVIN SIEMBIEDA: I don't know that! Auuuuuuuugh!
BRIDGEKEEPER: Stop! What is your name?
MONTE COOK: Monte Cook.
BRIDGEKEEPER: WHAT...is your quest?
MONTE COOK: I seek the Ultimate Game.
BRIDGEKEEPER: WHAT...is your favorite system?
MONTE COOK: d20! No, GUR--Auuuughhh!
BRIDGEKEEPER: Hee hee heh. Stop! What is your name?
RYAN DANCEY: It is Ryan Dancey, Lord of the Game Designers
BRIDGEKEEPER: WHAT...is your quest?
RYAN DANCEY: To seek the Ultimate System.
BRIDGEKEEPER: WHAT...is the maximum damage capacity of the Harm spell?
RYAN DANCEY: What do you mean? In 3.0 or 3.5?
BRIDGEKEEPER: Huh? I-- I don't know that! Auuuuuuuugh!
ROBIN LAWS: How is it that you know so much about d20?
RYAN DANCEY: Well, you have to know these things when you're a game designer, you know.
I never wanted to run a trading scenario, anyway. I wanted to run.... (tears off suit revealing heavy metal t-shirt) A DUNGEON HACK! The mighty trap! The majestic red dragon! Swinging from encounter to encounter in the mighty Greyhawk wilderness! And we'd kill! KILL! KILL!
GM:
Oh, I run dungeon hacks and I'm okay
I hack all night and I slay all day.
Players:
He runs dungeon hacks and he's okay
We hack all night and we slay all day!
GM:
I cut down thieves, I eat the mage,
I shit on the PCs!
Half the session's mapping,
While the players watch TV!
I run dungeon hacks and I'm okay
I hack all night and I slay all day.
Players
He cuts down thieves, he eats the mage,
He shits on the PCs!
Half the session's mapping,
While the players watch TV!
He runs dungeon hacks and he's okay
We hack all night and we slay all day!
GM:
I kill and maim, Tell witty jokes,
With my pet NPC.
He's a 14th level Ba-ard,
With ranks in diplomacy.
I run dungeon hacks and I'm okay
I hack all night and I slay all day.
Players
He kills and maims, Tells witty jokes,
With his pet NPC.
He's a 14th level ba-ard,
With ranks in diplomacy???
...
He runs dungeon hacks and he's okay
We hack all night and we slay all day!
GM:
I play my lute, I flatter the lord,
I scheme to gain more turf.
I wish I'd been a scoundrel
And playing Dying Earth.
I run dungeon hacks and I'm okay
I hack all night and I slay all day.
Players:
He plays his lute, He flatters the lord,
He schemes to gain more turf....
Good grief! How dare he! Etc etc.
Oh, Cugel, I though you were so brave!
Nerd #1: "What's on RPG.net today?"
Nerd #2: "Let's see...'Exalted: the Sidereals', 'Exalted: actual Play', Exalted: Suggest an Artifact, Exalted: help me make my character..."
Wyld Barbarians: (chanting) " Exalted, Exalted, Exalted, Exalted, Exalted, Exalted, Exalted, lovely Exalted, wonderful Exalted-"
N1: "SHUT UP! Are there any threads without Exalted in them?"
N2: "Well, there's 'Using HeroQuest for Exalted', that's not got so much Exalted in it."
N1: "I don't want ANY Exalted!"
N2: "Well, I'm going to read them all! I love Exalted! Here's 'Modern Exalted", 'd20 Exalted', '[Exalted] Solidified Goat Style', 'Exalted: Best Sorcery?', 'What's Exalted About-"
WBs: (chanting again) "WONDERFUL EXALTED! FUN EXALTED! AMAZING EXAAALTEED!!!1!"
GUTB (Descending from Heaven on a raft of Spam): "This sucks."
Scene: A Roleplaying Club.
Jones: Good to see ya, GM.
Idle: How are you doin’, PC?
Jones: How’d the con go?
Idle: Rocked on toast. Hard-core Gamer, ran illusionist game for a bunch of Narrativists; Cat Piss Man, incoherent system, no exploration across GNS goals, broke his game, shattered his own Social Contract and got labelled a Typhoid Mary .
Jones: Er, I'm sorry, I haven’t got a clue, GM.
Idle: It's perfectly normal jargon, PC.
Jones: No, I'm just not understanding jargon at all well today. Give it to us slower.
Idle: Jargon’s not the same if you say it slower, PC.
Jones: Hang on sec – Game Designer! - just tune in to the GM's banter for a sec, will you?
Chapman: Sure.
Jones: Thanks! Shoot.
Idle: Hard-core Gamer, ran illusionist game for a bunch of Narrativists; Cat Piss Man, incoherent system, no exploration across GNS goals, broke his game, shattered his own Social Contract and got labelled a Typhoid Mary
Chapman: No, I don't understand that Jargon at all.
Idle: Is something wrong with my Jargon, gamers?
Wav. file: AIR RAID SIRENS.
(Enter Palin, out of breath).
Palin: Thread crapping trolls, Game Designer! Adopt your actor stance and let's address premise!
Chapman (to Idle): Do *you* understand that?
Idle: Nah – I got nothin’.
Chapman: Sorry, mate, we don't understand your Jargon.
Palin: Come on – or all our base’ll belong to them!
(No reaction from others).
Palin: Um – driving with bangs – and using the force!
Chapman: Nah, no -- sorry.
Jones: Say it slower, bud.
Palin: Slower *Jargon*, Game Designer?
Chapman: Ye-eah.
Palin: Um – deprotagonisation of the participants?
Idle: No, still clueless.
Palin: Um – sky falling in on our heads?
The others: WTF? *shrugs*
(Cue a film of an air-raid by Zeppelin based pirates).
Idle (voice-over): But by then it was too late. The first core manuals hit London on July the 7th. That was just the beginning.
Scene: Chapman seen sitting at desk, on telephone.
Chapman: Forty U.S, Dollars a core manual? That's ordinary game systems, is it? And what about the splat books?... Fuck me, they _are_ pricey.
[scary music]
[music]
RON EDWARDS: How blest are those who know the GNS model of gaming. How blest are the simulationists. They shall find realism. How blest are those of gamist spirit. They shall have the feat as their play-thing. How blest are those who hunger and thirst for narrativism.
RANDOM: [cough cough]
RON EDWARDS: They shall create stories. How blest are those choose dice that are puce. They shall get a discount...
MANDY: Speak up!
MAN: Shh.
BRIAN: Quiet, Mum.
RON EDWARDS: How blest are those who play...
MANDY: Well, I can't hear a thing.
RON EDWARDS: diceless.... They shall have more money for snacks.
MANDY: Let's go t' the dicing.
RON EDWARDS: How blest are those...
MR. UGLY DICE: Shh.
RON EDWARDS: ...who bring Dew for the DM...
BRIAN: You can go to a dicing any time.
RON EDWARDS: ...to see their PCs...
MANDY: Oh, come on, Brian.
RON EDWARDS: ...prevail.
MR. UGLY DICE: Will you be quiet?!
RON EDWARDS: How blest are they who have character sheets...
MRS. UGLY DICE: Don't roll your dice.
MR. UGLY DICE: I wasn't rolling my
dice. I was making a skill check.
MRS. UGLY DICE: You was rollin’ ‘em, while you was talking to that lady.
MR. UGLY DICE: I wasn't!
MRS. UGLY DICE: Leave ‘em alone. Give ‘em a rest.
MR. CHEEKY: Do you mind? I can't hear a word he's saying.
MRS. UGLY DICE: Don't you 'do you mind' me. I was talking to my husband.
MR. CHEEKY: Well, go and talk to him somewhere else. I can't hear a bloody thing.
MR. UGLY DICE: Don't you swear at my wife.
MR. CHEEKY: I was only asking her to shut up, so I can hear what he's saying, ugly Dice.
MRS. UGLY DICE: Don't you call my husband 'Ugly Dice'!
MR. CHEEKY: Well, he has got ugly dice.
GREGORY: Could you be quiet, please?
RON EDWARDS: They shall have skill points...
GREGORY: What was that?
RON EDWARDS: ...for their improvement. How blest are those...
MR. CHEEKY: I don't know. I was too busy talking to Ugly Dice.
RON EDWARDS: ...who create characters to see...
MAN #1: I think it was 'Blessed are the caretakers.'
RON EDWARDS: ...new campaigns take shape.
MRS. GREGORY: Ahh, what do caretakers have to do with RPGs?
GREGORY: Well, obviously, this is not meant to be taken literally. It refers to any gamer who cares for the hobby..
MR. CHEEKY: See? If you hadn't been going on, we'd have heard that, Ugly Dice.
RON EDWARDS: How blest are those who...
MR. UGLY DICE: Hey. Say that once more; I'll smash your bloody face in.
MRS. GREGORY: Ohh.
MR. CHEEKY: Better keep listening. Might be a bit about 'Blessed are the Ugly Dice.'
BRIAN: Oh, lay off him.
MR. CHEEKY: Oh, you're not so bad yourself, d30. Where are you two from? Dice City?
MR. UGLY DICE: One more time, mate; I'll take you to the fuckin' cleaners!
MRS. UGLY DICE: Language!
RON EDWARDS: ...hunger and thirst to play...
MRS. UGLY DICE: And don't roll your dice.
RON EDWARDS: ...have snacks.
MR. UGLY DICE: I wasn't going to roll my dice. I was going to thump him!
MAN #2: You hear that? Blessed are the Florists.
GREGORY: The Florists?
MAN #2: Mmm. Well, apparently, they're going to inherit the earth.
GREGORY: Did anyone catch their names?
MRS. UGLY DICE: You're not going to thump anybody.
MR. UGLY DICE: I'll thump him if he calls me ‘Ugly Dice' again.
MR. CHEEKY: Oh, shut up, Ugly Dice.
MR. UGLY DICE: Ah! All right. I warned you. I really will slug you so hard--
MRS. UGLY DICE: Oh, it's the Gamists! Blessed are the Gamists! Oh, that's nice, isn't it? I'm glad they're getting something, 'cause they have a hell of a time.
MR. CHEEKY: Listen. I'm only telling the truth. You have got very ugly dice.
MR. UGLY DICE: Hey. Your dice are going to be three foot up your arse by the time I've finished with you!
MAN #1 and MAN #2: Shhh.
MR. CHEEKY: Well, who hit yours, then? Goliath's big brother?
MR. UGLY DICE: Oh. Right. That's your last warning.
MRS. GREGORY: Oh, do pipe down.
[MR. UGLY DICE slugs MRS. GREGORY]
Oh!
[MR. UGLY DICE and GREGORY fight]
GREGORY: Oh!
MRS. GREGORY: Awa?
MR. UGLY DICE: Silly bitch. Get in the way on me?...
MRS. GREGORY: Ow!...
MR. UGLY DICE: Break it up-- oh. Oh!
MANDY: Oh, come on. Let's go to the dicing.
BRIAN: All right.
[music]
FRANCIS: Well, blessed is just about everyone with a vested interest in the status quo, as far as I can tell, Reg.
REG: Yeah. Well, what Ron blatantly fails to appreciate is that it's the Gamists who are the problem.
JUDITH: Yes, yes. Absolutely, Reg. Yes, I see.
MANDY: Oh, come on, Brian, or they'll have diced him before we get there.
BRIAN: All right.
MR. CHEEKY: Hey. Get off her. That's disgusting. Stop trying to do that. Hey, clerk, intervene here. Gross overacting going on here. It's the chap with the ugly dice's fault. He started it all.
CROWD OF PLAYERS: [yelling]
CONVENTION OFFICIAL: Matthias, son of Deuteronomy of Gath.
MATTHIAS: Do I say 'yes'?
DICE HELPER #1: Yes.
MATTHIAS: Yes.
OFFICIAL: You have been found guilty by the elders of the convention of uttering the name of our Nemesis, and so, as a blasphemer,...
CROWD: Ooooh!
OFFICIAL: ...you are to be diced to death.
CROWD: Ahh!
MATTHIAS: Look. I-- I'd had a lovely game session, and all I said to my wife was, 'That bit of adventure was so good it could have been written by Kevin Siembieda.'
CROWD: Oooooh!
OFFICIAL: Blasphemy! He's said it again!
CROWD: Yes! Yes, he did! He did!...
OFFICIAL: Did you hear him?!
CROWD: Yes! Yes, we did! We did!...
WOMAN #1: Really!
[silence]
OFFICIAL: Are there any players here today?
CROWD: No. No. No. No...
OFFICIAL: Very well. By virtue of the authority vested in me--
[CULPRIT PLAYER dices MATTHIAS]
MATTHIAS: Oww! Lay off! We haven't started yet!
OFFICIAL: Come on! Who threw that? Who threw that die? Come on.
CROWD: She did! She did! GM did!
GM! Narrator. Referee. GM. GM. GM. GM. GM did.
CULPRIT PLAYER: Sorry. I thought we'd started.
OFFICIAL: Go to the back.
CULPRIT PLAYER: Oh, dear.
OFFICIAL: Always one, isn't there? Now, where were we?
MATTHIAS: Look. I don't think it ought to be blasphemy, just saying 'Kevin Siembieda'.
CROWD: Oooh! He said it again! Oooh!...
OFFICIAL: You're only making it worse for yourself!
MATTHIAS: Making it worse?! How could it be worse?! Kevin Siembieda! Kevin Siembieda! Kevin Siembieda!
CROWD: Oooooh!...
OFFICIAL: I'm warning you. If you say ' Kevin Siembieda ' once more--
[MRS. A. dices OFFICIAL]
Right. Who threw that?
MATTHIAS: [laughing]
[silence]
OFFICIAL: Come on. Who threw that?
CROWD: That Player did! GM! Referee. GM. GM. GM. GM. GM. GM.
OFFICIAL: Was it you?
MRS. A.: Yes.
OFFICIAL: Right!
MRS. A.: Well, you did say ' Kevin Siembieda '.
CROWD: Ah! Ooooh!...
[CROWD dices MRS. A.]
OFFICIAL: Stop! Stop, will you?! Stop that! Stop it! Now, look! No one is to dice anyone until I blow this whistle! Do you understand?! Even, and I want to make this absolutely clear, even if they do say ' Kevin Siembieda '.
CROWD: Ooooooh!...
[CROWD dices OFFICIAL]
WOMAN #1: Good shot!
[clap clap clap]
[music]
BRIAN: Have I got a ugly dice, Mum?
MANDY: Oh, stop thinking about Magic: The Gathering.
BRIAN: I wasn't.
MANDY: You're always on about it... morning, noon, and night. 'Will the lands bunch up?' 'Are there enough enchantments?' 'Is the deck too big?' 'Is it too small?'
GAMER #1: Spare a d6.
GAMER #2: God bless you, sir.
GAMER #3: Dice for a gamer.
GAMER #4: Dice for a gamer.
EX-GAMER: Dice for an ex-gamer. Bloody Amber owners. All the same, aren't they? Never have any dice. Oh, here's a touch. Spare a d10 for an old ex-gamer.
MANDY: Buzz off!
EX-GAMER: Spare a d10 for an old ex-gamer.
MANDY: A d10? That's what he uses most every month.
EX-GAMER: A d6, then.
MANDY: No, go away!
EX-GAMER: Come on, Ugly Dice. Let's haggle.
BRIAN: What?
EX-GAMER: All right. Cut the haggling. Say you open at d3 shekel. I start at a d100. We close about d30.
BRIAN: No.
EX-GAMER: A d20?
MANDY: Go away!
EX-GAMER: d12.
MANDY: Look. Will you leave him alone?
EX-GAMER: All right. D4. Just a d4. Isn't this fun, eh?
MANDY: Look. He's not giving you any dice, so piss off!
EX-GAMER: All right, sir. My final offer: a coin, a simple d2, for an old ex-gamer.
BRIAN: Did you say... 'ex-gamer'?
EX-GAMER: That's right, sir. Sixteen years behind the screen, and proud of it, sir.
BRIAN: Well, what happened?
EX-GAMER: I was caught by a fad, sir.
BRIAN: Caught by a fad?
EX-GAMER: Yes, sir, a bloody travesty, sir. God bless you.
BRIAN: What caught you?
EX-GAMER: Heroclix did, sir. I was hopping along, minding my own business. All of a sudden, up it comes. Catches me attention. One minute I'm a gamer with a group, next minute my savings is gone. Not so much as a by your leave. 'You're addicted to minis mate.' Bloody clickers.
BRIAN: Well, why don't you go and sell them if you want to be a gamer again?
EX-GAMER: Ah, yeah. I could do that, sir. Yeah. Yeah, I could do that, I suppose. What I was thinking was, I was going to ask if I could trade in all me commons for a few uncommons that would be good to use as minis for PCs . You know, something adventurous-like, but not not blatantly hero-ish, which is a pain in the arse to find, to be blunt. Excuse my French, sir, but, uh--
MANDY: Brian! Come and clean your room out.
BRIAN: There you are.
EX-GAMER: Thank you, sir. Thanks-- A d4 for me bloody life story?
BRIAN: There's no pleasing some people.
EX-GAMER: That's just what the shop clerk said, sir.
[baaaa]
[clunk]
[BRIAN is painting words on wall]
WOTC LAWYER: What's this, then? 'd20 goes to the Nine Hells of Baator'?
BRIAN: It-- it says ‘d20 go to hell’.
WOTC LAWYER: No, it doesn't. What's ‘Nine Hells of Baator’? Come on!
BRIAN: Aah!
WOTC LAWYER: Come on!
[LAWYER grabs BRIAN’s ear]
BRIAN: A proper name?
WOTC LAWYER: legally...?
BRIAN: Product Identity?
WOTC LAWYER: And the generic version of ‘Nine Hells of Baator’...?
BRIAN: Eh. Hell?
[LAWYER PAINTS OVER ‘NINE’, and ‘OF BAATOR’]
WOTC LAWYER: ‘d20’? What is 'd20'?
BRIAN: A die. Let--
WOTC LAWYER: In this context.
BRIAN: Uh. trademark. A trademark.
WOTC LAWYER: So 'd20' is...?
BRIAN: Ah, huh, a registered trademark owned by Wizards of the Coast.
WOTC LAWYER: But the use of 'd20' as a trademark is governed by...?
BRIAN: the d20 STL!
WOTC LAWYER: Which is owned by...?
BRIAN: Umm! Oh. Oh. Um, ‘Wizards Of The Coast’!
WOTC LAWYER: Abbreviated as?
BRIAN: Ah! WotC.
WOTC LAWYER: WotC.
BRIAN: Ah. Eh.
[LAWYER crosses out d20, paints WotC above it]
WOTC LAWYER: The OGL?
BRIAN: Eh.
WOTC LAWYER: The OGL.
BRIAN: Oh.
WOTC LAWYER: What kind of material do you have on that wall boy?
[LAWYER tugs on BRIAN’s ear some more]
BRIAN: Ah. An advertisement, sir! Ahh! No, derivative! Derivative, sir! No! Ah! Oh,... Open Game Content! Ah! OGC, sir!
WOTC LAWYER: Except that open game content requires...?
BRIAN: The inclusion of the OGL text, sir!
WOTC LAWYER: Which version...?!
BRIAN: 1.0.
WOTC LAWYER: 1.0.
[Tugging on BRIAN’s ear again.]
BRIAN: Aaah! Ah.
WOTC LAWYER: With all the correct copyright notices. Understand?
BRIAN: Yes, sir.
WOTC LAWYER: Now, write it out a hundred times.
BRIAN: Yes, sir. Thank you, sir. Hail Hasbro, sir.
WOTC LAWYER: Hail Hasbro. If it's not done by sunrise, I'll sue your balls off.
BRIAN: Oh, thank you, sir. Thank you, sir. Hail Hasbro and everything, sir! Oh. Mmm!
[BRIAN finishes painting the OGL text. ‘WOTC GO TO HELL’ is visible painted in huge letters all over the walls of the city]
BRIAN: Finished!
WOTC PARALEGAL: Right. Now don't do it again.
[A new shift OF WOTC LAWYERS arrive, see the graffiti and chase BRIAN]
MAN: Hey! Bloody Wizards of the Coast.
MONTE COOK: There it is!
RYAN DANCEY: The Bridge of Death!
KEVIN SIEMBIEDA: Oh, great.
RYAN DANCEY: Look! There's the cat-piss man from the game store!
ROBIN LAWS: What is he doing here?
RYAN DANCEY: He is the keeper of the Bridge of Death. He asks each traveler five questions--
MONTE COOK: Three questions.
RYAN DANCEY: Three questions. He who answers the five questions--
MONTE COOK: Three questions.
RYAN DANCEY: Three questions may cross in safety.
KEVIN SIEMBIEDA: What if you get a question wrong?
RYAN DANCEY: Then you are cast into the Gorge of FATAL.
KEVIN SIEMBIEDA: Oh, I won't go.
MONTE COOK: Who's going to answer the questions?
RYAN DANCEY: Kevin!
KEVIN SIEMBIEDA: Yes?
RYAN DANCEY: Brave Kevin Siembieda, you go.
KEVIN SIEMBIEDA: Hey! I've got a great idea. Why doesn't Steve go?
STEVE JACKSON: Yes. Let me go, my lord. I will take him single-handed. I shall write a GURPS splatbook that--
RYAN DANCEY: No, no. No. Hang on! Hang on! Hang on! Just answer the five questions--
MONTE COOK: Three questions.
RYAN DANCEY: Three questions as best you can. And we shall watch... and pray.
STEVE JACKSON: I understand.
RYAN DANCEY: Good luck, brave Steve. Gygax be with you.
BRIDGEKEEPER: Stop! Who would cross the Bridge of Death must answer me these questions three, ere the other side he see.
STEVE JACKSON: Ask me the questions, bridgekeeper. I am not afraid.
BRIDGEKEEPER: WHAT...is your name?
STEVE JACKSON: My name is Steve Jackson.
BRIDGEKEEPER: WHAT...is your quest?
STEVE JACKSON: To seek the Ultimate Game.
BRIDGEKEEPER: WHAT...is your favorite system?
STEVE JACKSON: GURPS.
BRIDGEKEEPER: Right. Off you go.
STEVE JACKSON: Oh, thank you. Thank you very much.
KEVIN SIEMBIEDA: That's easy!
BRIDGEKEEPER: Stop! Who approacheth the Bridge of Death must answer me these questions three, ere the other side he see.
KEVIN SIEMBIEDA: Ask me the questions, bridgekeeper. I'm not afraid.
BRIDGEKEEPER: WHAT...is your name?
KEVIN SIEMBIEDA: Kevin Siembieda, of Palladium Games
BRIDGEKEEPER: WHAT...is your quest?
KEVIN SIEMBIEDA: To seek the Ultimate Game.
BRIDGEKEEPER: WHAT...are the prerequisites for taking Improved Sunder?
KEVIN SIEMBIEDA: I don't know that! Auuuuuuuugh!
BRIDGEKEEPER: Stop! What is your name?
MONTE COOK: Monte Cook.
BRIDGEKEEPER: WHAT...is your quest?
MONTE COOK: I seek the Ultimate Game.
BRIDGEKEEPER: WHAT...is your favorite system?
MONTE COOK: d20! No, GUR--Auuuughhh!
BRIDGEKEEPER: Hee hee heh. Stop! What is your name?
RYAN DANCEY: It is Ryan Dancey, Lord of the Game Designers
BRIDGEKEEPER: WHAT...is your quest?
RYAN DANCEY: To seek the Ultimate System.
BRIDGEKEEPER: WHAT...is the maximum damage capacity of the Harm spell?
RYAN DANCEY: What do you mean? In 3.0 or 3.5?
BRIDGEKEEPER: Huh? I-- I don't know that! Auuuuuuuugh!
ROBIN LAWS: How is it that you know so much about d20?
RYAN DANCEY: Well, you have to know these things when you're a game designer, you know.
I never wanted to run a trading scenario, anyway. I wanted to run.... (tears off suit revealing heavy metal t-shirt) A DUNGEON HACK! The mighty trap! The majestic red dragon! Swinging from encounter to encounter in the mighty Greyhawk wilderness! And we'd kill! KILL! KILL!
GM:
Oh, I run dungeon hacks and I'm okay
I hack all night and I slay all day.
Players:
He runs dungeon hacks and he's okay
We hack all night and we slay all day!
GM:
I cut down thieves, I eat the mage,
I shit on the PCs!
Half the session's mapping,
While the players watch TV!
I run dungeon hacks and I'm okay
I hack all night and I slay all day.
Players
He cuts down thieves, he eats the mage,
He shits on the PCs!
Half the session's mapping,
While the players watch TV!
He runs dungeon hacks and he's okay
We hack all night and we slay all day!
GM:
I kill and maim, Tell witty jokes,
With my pet NPC.
He's a 14th level Ba-ard,
With ranks in diplomacy.
I run dungeon hacks and I'm okay
I hack all night and I slay all day.
Players
He kills and maims, Tells witty jokes,
With his pet NPC.
He's a 14th level ba-ard,
With ranks in diplomacy???
...
He runs dungeon hacks and he's okay
We hack all night and we slay all day!
GM:
I play my lute, I flatter the lord,
I scheme to gain more turf.
I wish I'd been a scoundrel
And playing Dying Earth.
I run dungeon hacks and I'm okay
I hack all night and I slay all day.
Players:
He plays his lute, He flatters the lord,
He schemes to gain more turf....
Good grief! How dare he! Etc etc.
Oh, Cugel, I though you were so brave!
Nerd #1: "What's on RPG.net today?"
Nerd #2: "Let's see...'Exalted: the Sidereals', 'Exalted: actual Play', Exalted: Suggest an Artifact, Exalted: help me make my character..."
Wyld Barbarians: (chanting) " Exalted, Exalted, Exalted, Exalted, Exalted, Exalted, Exalted, lovely Exalted, wonderful Exalted-"
N1: "SHUT UP! Are there any threads without Exalted in them?"
N2: "Well, there's 'Using HeroQuest for Exalted', that's not got so much Exalted in it."
N1: "I don't want ANY Exalted!"
N2: "Well, I'm going to read them all! I love Exalted! Here's 'Modern Exalted", 'd20 Exalted', '[Exalted] Solidified Goat Style', 'Exalted: Best Sorcery?', 'What's Exalted About-"
WBs: (chanting again) "WONDERFUL EXALTED! FUN EXALTED! AMAZING EXAAALTEED!!!1!"
GUTB (Descending from Heaven on a raft of Spam): "This sucks."
Scene: A Roleplaying Club.
Jones: Good to see ya, GM.
Idle: How are you doin’, PC?
Jones: How’d the con go?
Idle: Rocked on toast. Hard-core Gamer, ran illusionist game for a bunch of Narrativists; Cat Piss Man, incoherent system, no exploration across GNS goals, broke his game, shattered his own Social Contract and got labelled a Typhoid Mary .
Jones: Er, I'm sorry, I haven’t got a clue, GM.
Idle: It's perfectly normal jargon, PC.
Jones: No, I'm just not understanding jargon at all well today. Give it to us slower.
Idle: Jargon’s not the same if you say it slower, PC.
Jones: Hang on sec – Game Designer! - just tune in to the GM's banter for a sec, will you?
Chapman: Sure.
Jones: Thanks! Shoot.
Idle: Hard-core Gamer, ran illusionist game for a bunch of Narrativists; Cat Piss Man, incoherent system, no exploration across GNS goals, broke his game, shattered his own Social Contract and got labelled a Typhoid Mary
Chapman: No, I don't understand that Jargon at all.
Idle: Is something wrong with my Jargon, gamers?
Wav. file: AIR RAID SIRENS.
(Enter Palin, out of breath).
Palin: Thread crapping trolls, Game Designer! Adopt your actor stance and let's address premise!
Chapman (to Idle): Do *you* understand that?
Idle: Nah – I got nothin’.
Chapman: Sorry, mate, we don't understand your Jargon.
Palin: Come on – or all our base’ll belong to them!
(No reaction from others).
Palin: Um – driving with bangs – and using the force!
Chapman: Nah, no -- sorry.
Jones: Say it slower, bud.
Palin: Slower *Jargon*, Game Designer?
Chapman: Ye-eah.
Palin: Um – deprotagonisation of the participants?
Idle: No, still clueless.
Palin: Um – sky falling in on our heads?
The others: WTF? *shrugs*
(Cue a film of an air-raid by Zeppelin based pirates).
Idle (voice-over): But by then it was too late. The first core manuals hit London on July the 7th. That was just the beginning.
Scene: Chapman seen sitting at desk, on telephone.
Chapman: Forty U.S, Dollars a core manual? That's ordinary game systems, is it? And what about the splat books?... Fuck me, they _are_ pricey.
[scary music]
[music]
RON EDWARDS: How blest are those who know the GNS model of gaming. How blest are the simulationists. They shall find realism. How blest are those of gamist spirit. They shall have the feat as their play-thing. How blest are those who hunger and thirst for narrativism.
RANDOM: [cough cough]
RON EDWARDS: They shall create stories. How blest are those choose dice that are puce. They shall get a discount...
MANDY: Speak up!
MAN: Shh.
BRIAN: Quiet, Mum.
RON EDWARDS: How blest are those who play...
MANDY: Well, I can't hear a thing.
RON EDWARDS: diceless.... They shall have more money for snacks.
MANDY: Let's go t' the dicing.
RON EDWARDS: How blest are those...
MR. UGLY DICE: Shh.
RON EDWARDS: ...who bring Dew for the DM...
BRIAN: You can go to a dicing any time.
RON EDWARDS: ...to see their PCs...
MANDY: Oh, come on, Brian.
RON EDWARDS: ...prevail.
MR. UGLY DICE: Will you be quiet?!
RON EDWARDS: How blest are they who have character sheets...
MRS. UGLY DICE: Don't roll your dice.
MR. UGLY DICE: I wasn't rolling my
dice. I was making a skill check.
MRS. UGLY DICE: You was rollin’ ‘em, while you was talking to that lady.
MR. UGLY DICE: I wasn't!
MRS. UGLY DICE: Leave ‘em alone. Give ‘em a rest.
MR. CHEEKY: Do you mind? I can't hear a word he's saying.
MRS. UGLY DICE: Don't you 'do you mind' me. I was talking to my husband.
MR. CHEEKY: Well, go and talk to him somewhere else. I can't hear a bloody thing.
MR. UGLY DICE: Don't you swear at my wife.
MR. CHEEKY: I was only asking her to shut up, so I can hear what he's saying, ugly Dice.
MRS. UGLY DICE: Don't you call my husband 'Ugly Dice'!
MR. CHEEKY: Well, he has got ugly dice.
GREGORY: Could you be quiet, please?
RON EDWARDS: They shall have skill points...
GREGORY: What was that?
RON EDWARDS: ...for their improvement. How blest are those...
MR. CHEEKY: I don't know. I was too busy talking to Ugly Dice.
RON EDWARDS: ...who create characters to see...
MAN #1: I think it was 'Blessed are the caretakers.'
RON EDWARDS: ...new campaigns take shape.
MRS. GREGORY: Ahh, what do caretakers have to do with RPGs?
GREGORY: Well, obviously, this is not meant to be taken literally. It refers to any gamer who cares for the hobby..
MR. CHEEKY: See? If you hadn't been going on, we'd have heard that, Ugly Dice.
RON EDWARDS: How blest are those who...
MR. UGLY DICE: Hey. Say that once more; I'll smash your bloody face in.
MRS. GREGORY: Ohh.
MR. CHEEKY: Better keep listening. Might be a bit about 'Blessed are the Ugly Dice.'
BRIAN: Oh, lay off him.
MR. CHEEKY: Oh, you're not so bad yourself, d30. Where are you two from? Dice City?
MR. UGLY DICE: One more time, mate; I'll take you to the fuckin' cleaners!
MRS. UGLY DICE: Language!
RON EDWARDS: ...hunger and thirst to play...
MRS. UGLY DICE: And don't roll your dice.
RON EDWARDS: ...have snacks.
MR. UGLY DICE: I wasn't going to roll my dice. I was going to thump him!
MAN #2: You hear that? Blessed are the Florists.
GREGORY: The Florists?
MAN #2: Mmm. Well, apparently, they're going to inherit the earth.
GREGORY: Did anyone catch their names?
MRS. UGLY DICE: You're not going to thump anybody.
MR. UGLY DICE: I'll thump him if he calls me ‘Ugly Dice' again.
MR. CHEEKY: Oh, shut up, Ugly Dice.
MR. UGLY DICE: Ah! All right. I warned you. I really will slug you so hard--
MRS. UGLY DICE: Oh, it's the Gamists! Blessed are the Gamists! Oh, that's nice, isn't it? I'm glad they're getting something, 'cause they have a hell of a time.
MR. CHEEKY: Listen. I'm only telling the truth. You have got very ugly dice.
MR. UGLY DICE: Hey. Your dice are going to be three foot up your arse by the time I've finished with you!
MAN #1 and MAN #2: Shhh.
MR. CHEEKY: Well, who hit yours, then? Goliath's big brother?
MR. UGLY DICE: Oh. Right. That's your last warning.
MRS. GREGORY: Oh, do pipe down.
[MR. UGLY DICE slugs MRS. GREGORY]
Oh!
[MR. UGLY DICE and GREGORY fight]
GREGORY: Oh!
MRS. GREGORY: Awa?
MR. UGLY DICE: Silly bitch. Get in the way on me?...
MRS. GREGORY: Ow!...
MR. UGLY DICE: Break it up-- oh. Oh!
MANDY: Oh, come on. Let's go to the dicing.
BRIAN: All right.
[music]
FRANCIS: Well, blessed is just about everyone with a vested interest in the status quo, as far as I can tell, Reg.
REG: Yeah. Well, what Ron blatantly fails to appreciate is that it's the Gamists who are the problem.
JUDITH: Yes, yes. Absolutely, Reg. Yes, I see.
MANDY: Oh, come on, Brian, or they'll have diced him before we get there.
BRIAN: All right.
MR. CHEEKY: Hey. Get off her. That's disgusting. Stop trying to do that. Hey, clerk, intervene here. Gross overacting going on here. It's the chap with the ugly dice's fault. He started it all.
CROWD OF PLAYERS: [yelling]
CONVENTION OFFICIAL: Matthias, son of Deuteronomy of Gath.
MATTHIAS: Do I say 'yes'?
DICE HELPER #1: Yes.
MATTHIAS: Yes.
OFFICIAL: You have been found guilty by the elders of the convention of uttering the name of our Nemesis, and so, as a blasphemer,...
CROWD: Ooooh!
OFFICIAL: ...you are to be diced to death.
CROWD: Ahh!
MATTHIAS: Look. I-- I'd had a lovely game session, and all I said to my wife was, 'That bit of adventure was so good it could have been written by Kevin Siembieda.'
CROWD: Oooooh!
OFFICIAL: Blasphemy! He's said it again!
CROWD: Yes! Yes, he did! He did!...
OFFICIAL: Did you hear him?!
CROWD: Yes! Yes, we did! We did!...
WOMAN #1: Really!
[silence]
OFFICIAL: Are there any players here today?
CROWD: No. No. No. No...
OFFICIAL: Very well. By virtue of the authority vested in me--
[CULPRIT PLAYER dices MATTHIAS]
MATTHIAS: Oww! Lay off! We haven't started yet!
OFFICIAL: Come on! Who threw that? Who threw that die? Come on.
CROWD: She did! She did! GM did!
GM! Narrator. Referee. GM. GM. GM. GM. GM did.
CULPRIT PLAYER: Sorry. I thought we'd started.
OFFICIAL: Go to the back.
CULPRIT PLAYER: Oh, dear.
OFFICIAL: Always one, isn't there? Now, where were we?
MATTHIAS: Look. I don't think it ought to be blasphemy, just saying 'Kevin Siembieda'.
CROWD: Oooh! He said it again! Oooh!...
OFFICIAL: You're only making it worse for yourself!
MATTHIAS: Making it worse?! How could it be worse?! Kevin Siembieda! Kevin Siembieda! Kevin Siembieda!
CROWD: Oooooh!...
OFFICIAL: I'm warning you. If you say ' Kevin Siembieda ' once more--
[MRS. A. dices OFFICIAL]
Right. Who threw that?
MATTHIAS: [laughing]
[silence]
OFFICIAL: Come on. Who threw that?
CROWD: That Player did! GM! Referee. GM. GM. GM. GM. GM. GM.
OFFICIAL: Was it you?
MRS. A.: Yes.
OFFICIAL: Right!
MRS. A.: Well, you did say ' Kevin Siembieda '.
CROWD: Ah! Ooooh!...
[CROWD dices MRS. A.]
OFFICIAL: Stop! Stop, will you?! Stop that! Stop it! Now, look! No one is to dice anyone until I blow this whistle! Do you understand?! Even, and I want to make this absolutely clear, even if they do say ' Kevin Siembieda '.
CROWD: Ooooooh!...
[CROWD dices OFFICIAL]
WOMAN #1: Good shot!
[clap clap clap]
[music]
BRIAN: Have I got a ugly dice, Mum?
MANDY: Oh, stop thinking about Magic: The Gathering.
BRIAN: I wasn't.
MANDY: You're always on about it... morning, noon, and night. 'Will the lands bunch up?' 'Are there enough enchantments?' 'Is the deck too big?' 'Is it too small?'
GAMER #1: Spare a d6.
GAMER #2: God bless you, sir.
GAMER #3: Dice for a gamer.
GAMER #4: Dice for a gamer.
EX-GAMER: Dice for an ex-gamer. Bloody Amber owners. All the same, aren't they? Never have any dice. Oh, here's a touch. Spare a d10 for an old ex-gamer.
MANDY: Buzz off!
EX-GAMER: Spare a d10 for an old ex-gamer.
MANDY: A d10? That's what he uses most every month.
EX-GAMER: A d6, then.
MANDY: No, go away!
EX-GAMER: Come on, Ugly Dice. Let's haggle.
BRIAN: What?
EX-GAMER: All right. Cut the haggling. Say you open at d3 shekel. I start at a d100. We close about d30.
BRIAN: No.
EX-GAMER: A d20?
MANDY: Go away!
EX-GAMER: d12.
MANDY: Look. Will you leave him alone?
EX-GAMER: All right. D4. Just a d4. Isn't this fun, eh?
MANDY: Look. He's not giving you any dice, so piss off!
EX-GAMER: All right, sir. My final offer: a coin, a simple d2, for an old ex-gamer.
BRIAN: Did you say... 'ex-gamer'?
EX-GAMER: That's right, sir. Sixteen years behind the screen, and proud of it, sir.
BRIAN: Well, what happened?
EX-GAMER: I was caught by a fad, sir.
BRIAN: Caught by a fad?
EX-GAMER: Yes, sir, a bloody travesty, sir. God bless you.
BRIAN: What caught you?
EX-GAMER: Heroclix did, sir. I was hopping along, minding my own business. All of a sudden, up it comes. Catches me attention. One minute I'm a gamer with a group, next minute my savings is gone. Not so much as a by your leave. 'You're addicted to minis mate.' Bloody clickers.
BRIAN: Well, why don't you go and sell them if you want to be a gamer again?
EX-GAMER: Ah, yeah. I could do that, sir. Yeah. Yeah, I could do that, I suppose. What I was thinking was, I was going to ask if I could trade in all me commons for a few uncommons that would be good to use as minis for PCs . You know, something adventurous-like, but not not blatantly hero-ish, which is a pain in the arse to find, to be blunt. Excuse my French, sir, but, uh--
MANDY: Brian! Come and clean your room out.
BRIAN: There you are.
EX-GAMER: Thank you, sir. Thanks-- A d4 for me bloody life story?
BRIAN: There's no pleasing some people.
EX-GAMER: That's just what the shop clerk said, sir.
[baaaa]
[clunk]
[BRIAN is painting words on wall]
WOTC LAWYER: What's this, then? 'd20 goes to the Nine Hells of Baator'?
BRIAN: It-- it says ‘d20 go to hell’.
WOTC LAWYER: No, it doesn't. What's ‘Nine Hells of Baator’? Come on!
BRIAN: Aah!
WOTC LAWYER: Come on!
[LAWYER grabs BRIAN’s ear]
BRIAN: A proper name?
WOTC LAWYER: legally...?
BRIAN: Product Identity?
WOTC LAWYER: And the generic version of ‘Nine Hells of Baator’...?
BRIAN: Eh. Hell?
[LAWYER PAINTS OVER ‘NINE’, and ‘OF BAATOR’]
WOTC LAWYER: ‘d20’? What is 'd20'?
BRIAN: A die. Let--
WOTC LAWYER: In this context.
BRIAN: Uh. trademark. A trademark.
WOTC LAWYER: So 'd20' is...?
BRIAN: Ah, huh, a registered trademark owned by Wizards of the Coast.
WOTC LAWYER: But the use of 'd20' as a trademark is governed by...?
BRIAN: the d20 STL!
WOTC LAWYER: Which is owned by...?
BRIAN: Umm! Oh. Oh. Um, ‘Wizards Of The Coast’!
WOTC LAWYER: Abbreviated as?
BRIAN: Ah! WotC.
WOTC LAWYER: WotC.
BRIAN: Ah. Eh.
[LAWYER crosses out d20, paints WotC above it]
WOTC LAWYER: The OGL?
BRIAN: Eh.
WOTC LAWYER: The OGL.
BRIAN: Oh.
WOTC LAWYER: What kind of material do you have on that wall boy?
[LAWYER tugs on BRIAN’s ear some more]
BRIAN: Ah. An advertisement, sir! Ahh! No, derivative! Derivative, sir! No! Ah! Oh,... Open Game Content! Ah! OGC, sir!
WOTC LAWYER: Except that open game content requires...?
BRIAN: The inclusion of the OGL text, sir!
WOTC LAWYER: Which version...?!
BRIAN: 1.0.
WOTC LAWYER: 1.0.
[Tugging on BRIAN’s ear again.]
BRIAN: Aaah! Ah.
WOTC LAWYER: With all the correct copyright notices. Understand?
BRIAN: Yes, sir.
WOTC LAWYER: Now, write it out a hundred times.
BRIAN: Yes, sir. Thank you, sir. Hail Hasbro, sir.
WOTC LAWYER: Hail Hasbro. If it's not done by sunrise, I'll sue your balls off.
BRIAN: Oh, thank you, sir. Thank you, sir. Hail Hasbro and everything, sir! Oh. Mmm!
[BRIAN finishes painting the OGL text. ‘WOTC GO TO HELL’ is visible painted in huge letters all over the walls of the city]
BRIAN: Finished!
WOTC PARALEGAL: Right. Now don't do it again.
[A new shift OF WOTC LAWYERS arrive, see the graffiti and chase BRIAN]
MAN: Hey! Bloody Wizards of the Coast.