NationStates Jolt Archive

http://www.avalanchetankers.us/archives/000058.html

Once upon a time, there was a SPC Schwarz stationed with the Army in the Balkans. SPC Schwarz was either very clever or very bored; but probably both, since he managed to attempt or be warned about 213 things he wasn't allowed to do. He collected those things into a hillarious list and posted them to the web. The site hadn't been updated in a couple of years and has since gone away; but the list is classic, so I saved it. A couple favorites: 2. My proper military title is 'Specialist Schwarz' not 'Princess Anastasia'. and 191. Our Humvees cannot be assembled into a giant battle-robot.

Heh

"The Giant Space Ants' are not at the top of my chain of command."

Hehe, that's pretty good

*Bookmarked*

too funny

174 Furby ® is not allowed into classified areas. (I swear to the gods, I did not make that up, it's actually DOD policy).

Aren't those banned in virginia?!

virginia will DIE! :twisted:

these are probably my personal favs...

I may not trade my rifle for any of the following: Cigarettes, booze, sexual favors, Kalishnikovs, Soviet Armored vehicles, small children, or bootleg CD’s.

Shouting ‘Let’s do the village! Let’s do the whole fucking village!’ while out on a mission is bad.

145. I should not drink three quarts of blue food coloring before a urine test.

146. Nor should I drink three quarts of red food coloring, and scream during the same.

Must not valiantly push officers onto hand grenades to save the squad.

Must not make T-shirts up depciting a pig with the writing "Eat Pork or Die" in Arabic to bring as civilian attire when preparing to deploy to a primarily Muslim country.

Thanks Madrigals, loved it.

:lol:

:lol:

Thanks!

Should not show up at the front gate wearing part of a Russian uniform, messily drunk.

Even if my commander did it.


I do not get 'that time of month'.

No, the pants are not optional.

Not allowed to operate a business out of the barracks.

Especially not a pornographic movie studio.

Not even if they *are* 'especially patriotic films'


Don't ask LTC Steele to sign my copy of Blackhawk Down.

old :wink:

**May not bring a drag queen to the battalion formal dance.

Must not start any SITREP (Situation Report) with "I recently had an experience I just had to write you about...."

**Must not use military vehicles to ‘Squish' things.

**Inflatable sheep do *not* need to be displayed during a room inspection.

I am not authorized to initiate Jihad.

Nerve gas is not funny.

**‘No Drinking Of Alcoholic Beverages’ does not imply that a Jack Daniel’s ® IV is acceptable.

**‘I’m drunk’ is a bad answer to any question posed by my commander.

137. Should not show up at the front gate wearing part of a Russian uniform, messily drunk.

138. Even if my commander did it.

***'Calvin-Ball' is not authorized PT.

167. Not allowed to operate a business out of the barracks.

168. Especially not a pornographic movie studio.

**On Army documents, my race is not 'Other'.

Not allowed to get shot.

Not allowed to play into the deluded fantasies of the civlians who are "hearing conversations" from the NSA, FBI, CIA and KGB due to the microchip the aliens implanted in their brain.

******NEVER nail a stuffed bunny to a cross and put it up in front of the Battalion Headquarters sign as an "Easter Desecration." - that one takes the cake!

** and above equals best ones i saw while skimming.

ya thx! that was incredible man!

old :wink:

new to me

old :wink:

i see no one bothered to bring it up for the people that dont visit the general forum all to much.

old :wink:

new to me

And new to me.
And hilarious.
As they say in the TV game "it's not a repeat if you haven't seen it before".
Thanks again
:lol:

"I am not authorized to initiate Jihad."

Uh oh. :wink:

There! Read all of em in around 10 minutes!

Great read.

Thanks Madrigals now get over here and do my laundry cuz I think I just peed myself laughing.

and i just crapped myself crying...

cheers, good to know its not all sour grapes in here

not allowed to join the comunist party????
Thats illegal discrimination

"Camouflage body paint is not a uniform."

:lol: :lol: :lol:

22. Must never call an SAS a 'Wanker'.

Someone must of put him up to that

I am not the atheist chaplain.


:shock: :x Discrimination

haha

Anybody got other additions?

Anybody got other additions?

When on sentry duty on manouvers, you are not allowed to abandon your post to have a cigarette.


*raises hand*

There! Read all of em in around 10 minutes!

Great read.

That was silly I took an hour, means an hour less of work!!

Anybody got other additions?

A few I made up:

1. I am not allowed to sacrifice any of my officers to the following gods: Ares, Mars, Huitzilopochtli, or any demon.

2. I do not have the authority to order nuclear strikes.

3. The fact that God does not grant divine powers does *NOT* mean that satan is stronger.

4. Not allowed to tell anyone I was sent by God.

5. Not allowed to start my own drug cartel, using soldiers as personal lackeys.

6. Not allowed to substitute my rifle for an axe in battle.

7. Not allowed to encourage people of foreign nations to believe that Americans are minions of darkness.

8. Not allowed to add vodka to any water cooler.

9. Not allowed to 'advise' russian soldiers on how their country should be run.

10. The body snatchers have *NOT* infiltrated the base.

11. Astronauts that go into space do not come back as superhumans.

12. Not allowed to tell anyone I'm an immortal, regardless of how convinced I may be of it.

13. Not allowed to seduce the general's wife.

14. Not allowed to seduce the general.

15. Not allowed to put voodoo curses on officers.

16. Not allowed to sing the communist internationale on training missions.

12. Not allowed to tell anyone I'm an immortal, regardless of how convinced I may be of it.

Perhaps a reference to a certain General sacked during the Korean War?

Also...

1. The Commander In Chief is always right.
2. When the CIC nukes France, read rule #1.

3. "But everyone else was doing it" is not an excuse for harassing the natives.
4. Because they couldn't speak english is.

47. I am not a citizen of Texas, and those other, forty-nine, lesser states.



:wink: I knew that only a fellow Texan could get into that much trouble!



93. I am not authorized to initiate Jihad.

hasn't this been posted before?

it's good though

I am not allowed to use my tank to disperse protestors

>> I am not authorized to initiate Jihad.

Why not? :)

Very funny. :lol: :lol:

I can't believe one person did all this though! Must be a collection of anecdotes from the whole unit.

Reminds me of that Bill Murray film, "Stripes".

:twisted:

Must not use Ninja Throwing Stars against OPFOR.

Not allowed to borrow the tank for a hot date.

Not allowed to fire 120mm AP rounds at birds

Not allowed to call MLRS strikes on deer, stray dogs, chickens, rats, imaginary creatures, mythological creatures (especially dragons) and/or goats.

Not allowed to yell “broken arrow… psyke!” on the PRC.

Not allowed to use the Battleship game’s map to call in fire.

Not allowed to “hot load” 120mm shells.

Not allowed to post minefield signs at will.

Not allowed to take the tank and go “shootin.”

Not allowed to wear the any of the following masks while on duty, Goofy, Any President, William Shatner (painted white), hockey mask, Hannibal Lector mask, human skin, bear, and/or a picture of my CO.