Palan
11-04-2004, 23:46
OK, I'm no author, I'm no english student (actually I'm a first year maths undergrad) but I started to write this about a year ago, got as far as chapter six and left it, I've suddenly re-discovered it hidden away in a 'miscellaneous' file on my laptop, having completely forgotten about it and I'm curious to know what people think, how can these characters be developed, I'm sure to those in the know my writing style is appalling but it's not meant to be sold, it's just for me really, so hit me, be as honest as you like.......please
Chapter 1
As he walked away, preparing to leave the room, something made him turn and take one last look at her. He wondered just how she’d been dragged into this mess; it hadn’t really got anything to do with her. She was slumped against the panelled wall, directly opposite the large bay window. Her usually bright eyes and warm glow were no longer visible; she looked pale and cold.
A noise from outside made him jump, he looked cautiously out of the window but could see nothing, perhaps it was just his nerves. He had to get out quickly,laying a thick blanket over her body, he caressed her cheek with the back of one of his dark leather gloves. He turned and left the room, taking care to shut the heavy, oak door behind him. It closed with a resounding thud, the same tone as the sound he’d heard when she had hit the floor just twenty minutes ago.
The noise made him shudder and he quickened his pace. At any other time he’d have loved to have stayed and explored this grand house with its network of corridors and staircases. It reminded him of his youth, he was an orphan, abandoned at birth and had lived in a large house in Dorset along with fourteen other boys. He’d had a happy childhood despite his unusual living arrangement. The boys worked hard, taking care of the house and its grounds. They were cared for by an elderly widow who didn’t have the strength to take on the daily chores but whose heart was filled with love for her children.
He finally made his way out into the open and onto the gravel driveway. It was a glorious day, the sun was beating down and the light reflecting off the windows blinded him for a second as he looked up at the room where he’d left her. He jumped into his sleek black convertible, he wasn’t a lover of fast cars but this one had been a gift from his friend Vince. Some said it was bought with dirty money but he refused to accept that. It was a sign of appreciation, a thanks for his continued loyalty and hard work, surely there was nothing wrong with that?
Chapter 2
By the time she awoke Jack was making his way into the departure lounge of the airport. It was much quieter than usual. He was pleased that there wasn’t the normal hustle and bustle but yet it somehow unnerved him. He found a seat by the window in the non-smoking area. The only thing that he had disliked about his foster mother, Mrs. Hawkins had been her stubborn habit of smoking almost thirty cigarettes every day.
Jack was tense and felt physically ill; he hadn’t eaten since the night before and still didn’t really feel up to it. He kept playing over the events of the last few days in his mind; he had to know how she was connected. He understood most of what had gone on but this remained a total mystery to him.
He looked up from the newspaper that he had been pretending to read and gazed at his surroundings. The terminal was only built fairly recently and metallic surfaces glimmered in the sunlight. The floors were smooth and polished and the air was fresh and clean. He hadn’t been to Scotland before and he somehow thought that he wouldn’t want to return any time soon.
He was seated directly opposite a young family; the couple, obviously still very much in love, were perhaps in their mid-twenties. The children, he suspected, were twins. There was a girl and a boy, roughly three years old. They both had golden hair and glowing skin to match. He watched them for what was almost an hour and they seemed to play together in perfect harmony, never bickering or fighting. It was the kind of scene that most parents could only dream of.
The young girl looked up at him and grinned; he lifted a hand and gave a little wave. She pulled a cheeky face and he stuck his tongue out at her. The girl giggled, nudged her brother on the shoulder and pointed towards her new friend. Suddenly he became very self-conscious and was aware that their mother had been watching him, he looked at her as if to apologize for his behaviour but she simply smiled and waved her hand as if to show her approval. For an instant she reminded him of his first and only real girl friend, Annie, she had had that same sweet, playful look in her eyes. He thought again, as he had done so often, about how much of a fool he had been to let her go.
The woman, aware that he was now staring at her, looked away and blushed. There was an awkward silence between them but fortunately they were interrupted by the announcement of the departure of his flight. He said goodbye to the children, gathered together his things and made his way towards the boarding gate.
Chapter 1
As he walked away, preparing to leave the room, something made him turn and take one last look at her. He wondered just how she’d been dragged into this mess; it hadn’t really got anything to do with her. She was slumped against the panelled wall, directly opposite the large bay window. Her usually bright eyes and warm glow were no longer visible; she looked pale and cold.
A noise from outside made him jump, he looked cautiously out of the window but could see nothing, perhaps it was just his nerves. He had to get out quickly,laying a thick blanket over her body, he caressed her cheek with the back of one of his dark leather gloves. He turned and left the room, taking care to shut the heavy, oak door behind him. It closed with a resounding thud, the same tone as the sound he’d heard when she had hit the floor just twenty minutes ago.
The noise made him shudder and he quickened his pace. At any other time he’d have loved to have stayed and explored this grand house with its network of corridors and staircases. It reminded him of his youth, he was an orphan, abandoned at birth and had lived in a large house in Dorset along with fourteen other boys. He’d had a happy childhood despite his unusual living arrangement. The boys worked hard, taking care of the house and its grounds. They were cared for by an elderly widow who didn’t have the strength to take on the daily chores but whose heart was filled with love for her children.
He finally made his way out into the open and onto the gravel driveway. It was a glorious day, the sun was beating down and the light reflecting off the windows blinded him for a second as he looked up at the room where he’d left her. He jumped into his sleek black convertible, he wasn’t a lover of fast cars but this one had been a gift from his friend Vince. Some said it was bought with dirty money but he refused to accept that. It was a sign of appreciation, a thanks for his continued loyalty and hard work, surely there was nothing wrong with that?
Chapter 2
By the time she awoke Jack was making his way into the departure lounge of the airport. It was much quieter than usual. He was pleased that there wasn’t the normal hustle and bustle but yet it somehow unnerved him. He found a seat by the window in the non-smoking area. The only thing that he had disliked about his foster mother, Mrs. Hawkins had been her stubborn habit of smoking almost thirty cigarettes every day.
Jack was tense and felt physically ill; he hadn’t eaten since the night before and still didn’t really feel up to it. He kept playing over the events of the last few days in his mind; he had to know how she was connected. He understood most of what had gone on but this remained a total mystery to him.
He looked up from the newspaper that he had been pretending to read and gazed at his surroundings. The terminal was only built fairly recently and metallic surfaces glimmered in the sunlight. The floors were smooth and polished and the air was fresh and clean. He hadn’t been to Scotland before and he somehow thought that he wouldn’t want to return any time soon.
He was seated directly opposite a young family; the couple, obviously still very much in love, were perhaps in their mid-twenties. The children, he suspected, were twins. There was a girl and a boy, roughly three years old. They both had golden hair and glowing skin to match. He watched them for what was almost an hour and they seemed to play together in perfect harmony, never bickering or fighting. It was the kind of scene that most parents could only dream of.
The young girl looked up at him and grinned; he lifted a hand and gave a little wave. She pulled a cheeky face and he stuck his tongue out at her. The girl giggled, nudged her brother on the shoulder and pointed towards her new friend. Suddenly he became very self-conscious and was aware that their mother had been watching him, he looked at her as if to apologize for his behaviour but she simply smiled and waved her hand as if to show her approval. For an instant she reminded him of his first and only real girl friend, Annie, she had had that same sweet, playful look in her eyes. He thought again, as he had done so often, about how much of a fool he had been to let her go.
The woman, aware that he was now staring at her, looked away and blushed. There was an awkward silence between them but fortunately they were interrupted by the announcement of the departure of his flight. He said goodbye to the children, gathered together his things and made his way towards the boarding gate.