NationStates Jolt Archive

> As Dfd says if you didnt post seriously on here http://www.nationstates.net/forum/viewtopic.php?t=133526&highlight= then dont post now...

So...I'm Dfds 'friend' she probably said so much about...heh...

She's lettin me use her nation so I dont give myself away...not that it matters. If you know dfd you already know who I am. Its not like its not obvious...

What do you got to say to me...I hear some of you had good advice but I wont read what you directed to dfd...thats not my business...

> guess no one wants to talk to me...heh...dont blame you...

hi. i'll talk a bit, if you want.

ah, so your the guy. hows it hanging?

> heh...we'll just say I've been 10 times better before...

ya, i hear u. seems like everyone is having tough times recently.

> heh...tough doesnt even come close to what I'm going through. The only thing good I did this past month was almost quit drinking but I cant even do that right...

ya, im sure your tired of small talk, so il just skip to it and tell you my opinion.
i think that you are one of the bravest people out there. iv had friends who have been through what your going through and i admire the lot of you for your strength. it takes alot of strength to will youself to get out of that whole depression thing.the only and best advise that i can give you is to never give up that fight. maybe depend on your friends to help carry some of the load sometimes. these things are much easier to deal with if you can talk to sumone about anything, tell them what you feel or w/e. it sounds to me like you'v got at least one of those friends in Dfd, so dont be afraid to open up to her about whatever.

> heh...yea well she cant take it all sometime. I handed it to her hard...shes have a hard time dealing with it. I hurt Dfd the most during all of this...but I cant talk about that. I hate that I've hurt her so bad...

im sry. i had a gf awhile back who was battling a fling with depression, and it is alot to swallow. if all else fails, you can write down whatever it is that u feel you need to, that way you still get it off your chest, but you dont have to (lacking of a better word at the moment, sry) dump it on sumone else.
but trust me on this, it is never a good thing to just botle stuff up until it manifests itself in bad ways.

> well cant write...my damn arm's not good enough for writing yet. The problem with me is I didn't bottle it up...I covered it up with the bottle...

Glad to know the other night turned out alright- y'had a bunch of us worrying for you and DFD.

When Dosei gets home, I'll point her to the comp and get her online.

In the meanwhile, I'd assume you saw Dosei's post about depression an' stuff? Various forms of depression run in mine and Dosei's family, and I can rattle off at least three or four people who've had to take medication, and one who had to be hospitalized. The idea of taking meds isn't nearly so bad if you look at it more like taking allergy medication or something you'd take for a headache or a cold- it is pretty much the same kinda thing, taking a medicine to cure a physical illness.

As for the drinking, don't let it get you down- it's an addiction, and those are notoriously tough to break, it may take a few attempts. My grandmother was an alcoholic, and it took her years to break the habit, and a lot of booze flushed down the toilet. Once she finally stopped though, she never touched an alcoholic beverage again. If quitting cold turkey doesn't seem to work, try a more gradual approach to wean yourself off it- limit yourself to say, X number of drinks per day or week, and gradually reduce that number. And definately look into an Alcoholics Annonymous program in your area.

I'm glad we've been able to help DFD through this, and in turn give ya a hand. =)

~Reppy

ah... theres an intresting way to look at it. im not sure that i can really be much help here. iv only really dealt with like minor stuff and yours sounds a bit out of my league of experiance. all i can say is that there is always hope and to try and stay positive. i know its a bit of a cleche but there will always be a hand there to help you and guide you. all you need to do is take it, so to speak.

> heh...I scared the shit out of Dfd. Didnt mean to but its the only way to get my mind off of drinking. AA...heh...didnt work the first time. I dont like meds...they put me on some crap when I got out of the hospital and I couldn't ever think about anything...my mind couldn't stay on anything and it annoyed the hell out me...

ya, hate it when they do that. "take these, they'l make you feel better"
maybe if you consider feeling nothing better, but hey, thats they'r thing.

> I dont understand it. I dont see how I'd be able to get better if I cant ever think about what I even did in the first place...it doesn't make any sense...

i think thats the intention of it. some people think of things as, if you dont hink about things, they will go away, whe nmost of the time they dont. the best medicine in my opinion it laughter, love, and good comfort food like pudding

> why did things go this way...I never even ment to do it. It just happened and now I'm just stuck here fighting myself...

never wonder y things happened in the past or y they happened or if they could have been stopped. just know that what happened happened. what matters from here on in is what you do next. thats the only way i stay sane.

It sounds like whatever they put you on was the same stuff they tried my Dad on when they were still trying to figure out his dosage. There are a lot of different antidepressants out there that effect people differently- that's why people who are taking medicine for depression need to see their psychiatrist regularly so they can see if it's the right medicine for the person- for awhile my Dad was seeing his psychiatrist weekly until they got his medicine pinned down right, and a psychologist weekly as well.

Even if you don't like the thought of medicine, definately start seeing a psychologist regularly. (They aren't licensed to prescribe meds, that's a psychiatrist's job.) I never got diagnosed with depression myself, but did see a psychologist weekly through most of high school. It did wonders and probably helped keep me from getting to a point where I would have needed the good ol' prozac.

Also, I dunno how practical this would be, but doing volunteer work may help. For starters, it gets you out and among people, and doing helpful stuff, which can really help bolster the self-esteem bit. Maybe you and DFD could look into a local community program and do that together?

This world sucks, I come closer to swinging every morning I wake up.
At least you've got people supporting you here, everybody I know is just waiting for it to happen now.

> Dfds already active...and I cant help think that I'm pulling her down with me. I've got this deep fear of institutions. I'm not good in enclosed places. I'd rather die then go there. And thats where it looks like I'll be heading. I'll get help so long as its not a institution. I won't go there. Its something I can't explain. I hate them but avoiding one seems impossible. Well if they put me on meds that won't screw with my mind then I'll try them...but I just want to be able to recall and think...

This world sucks, I come closer to swinging every morning I wake up.
At least you've got people supporting you here, everybody I know is just waiting for it to happen now.

> Dont be stupid. I'd kick your ass just for thinking about. If I showed you my god damn arm I bet you'd think twice. Dont be a fool just because life sucks...I realized that. I lost my to be kid...I think life sucks on my part. Did I accomplsih anything...hell no. You dont realize the ppl you'd hurt until the deeds done and then its too late. I think I'd know that one...

alrite, so find a psycologist who preactices independantly. ass for dragging Dfd down with you, dont think that. she is standing by u and helping to suport you. she may be carrying some of the burdon, but loved ones are often stronger than we give them credit for

> Dont be stupid. I'd kick your ass just for thinking about. If I showed you my god damn arm I bet you'd think twice. Dont be a fool just because life sucks...I realized that. I lost my to be kid...I think life sucks on my part. Did I accomplsih anything...hell no. You dont realize the ppl you'd hurt until the deeds done and then its too late. I think I'd know that one...

Look here, I kept my post as civil as I could considering how this topic has been handled so far, so I would appreciate it if you could respect my depression as I have respected yours.
At least you've had support mate.

theres no need for resentment here. everybody who needs some supost or someone to talk to is always welcom to chime in. tell us your probem and we'l see if theres sumthing we can help you with

> If it wasnt for censored language then you'd really get something. I didn't ask you to post you did it on your own. I came here to try and work out my probs...not have ppl try to make my feellie shit because I dont show respect. I'm Dante what else did you expect...a silver platter with your named inscribed on it. I'm sorry if the way I do things isn't the way you expect things. I just don't want to see someone fall down the same god damn hole I did...I cut the hell out of myself...I know what the hell its like. I dont want to see someone else do the same. ANd I didnt have support until now until the deed was done...Dfd was the only one but I was too screwed up in the head to realize it...

anger isnt going to help anyone, its just going to raise emotions. niether of u it sounds like is in a great possition rite now, so lets not excalate things at all.

> I can't help it...I'm a no good son of bitch alcoholic with an anger problem...what do you expect...

no, bad thoughts. possitive remember? the more you put yourself down the more your going to start believing those thoughts

> I dont feel like talkin about this right now but the only thing I ever wanted to be died before I could ever get there...I'm can't help it that it screwed with my head...

> Its wasy to say no bad thoughts were your own body isn't a constant reminder of what happened...

> heh...I scared the shit out of Dfd. Didnt mean to but its the only way to get my mind off of drinking. AA...heh...didnt work the first time. I dont like meds...they put me on some crap when I got out of the hospital and I couldn't ever think about anything...my mind couldn't stay on anything and it annoyed the hell out me...
Medicines work when they find the right meds and the right dosages. My sister is schizophrenic and bi-polar. Growing up with her, we literally dealt with two distinct personalities, one of which was bloody dangerous. The other was way too nice to be real. She attempted suicide a number of times, from her pre-teens into her late twenties. Medicines didn't help, hospitalization didn't help, it seemed hopeless.

So what changed? She accidentally ended up with a doctor who had a clue. The first thing he did was to change her epilepsy medicine, which was the only medicine that hadn't been changed in over 20 years. She never had another seizure. Then he began testing her on the medicines previously tried, found that one worked quite well and the other not at all. Over the course of about 1 year, he worked to find the right combination.

This sounds like a long time, 1 yr. to figure out the meds. Compared to 20 years of hell, it was a blessing. Within months, a new woman emerged. My sister began to be one person, with normal moods. She became genuinely nice, instead of that odd sugar nice that makes you wonder what's coming. She lost the rages, and was no longer dangerous to be around. (I truly mean she was dangerous. When I was 8 she chased me with a meatfork. Her personalities were distinct and I learned when she was safe and when to hide.)

It has been nearly 16 years since her medicines were corrected. She has not attempted suicide at all in that time. She has not harmed another in that time. She still has mild mood swings, but it almost seems silly to call them manias or depressions in comparrison to the past. There was a time when she hated the medicines. Since she has found the right ones, though, she doesn't feel that way. Several years ago, a doctor decided she didn't need them at all and so decided to remove her from them completely. She refused. She said she didn't care if she took them for the rest of her life, she was never going to go through that hell again. She is now on a lower dosage than ever before and doing quite well. In time, I think she may be able to drop them completely. Part of the issue there is just the fear of repeating the past, but I think the patient often knows far better what they need than doctors give them credit for.

Long speech, forgive me. I just want you to know that it does take time to find the right medicines, that having someone you talk to regularly will help you through it (I do mean someone trained. Yes, friends will help all they can, but a trained professional can help in ways others cannot.) Yours is made more difficult with drinking, but the bright side is that drinking is a little easier to control than schizophrenia and epilepsy combined!

Find a doctor who will listen and work with you. Go back to AA. And if you 'fall off the wagon' again, get back on. Keep going. If you stand in the middle of a maelstrom and wait for it to pass, you're always in the middle of the maelstrom. Walk out of it, even though it is hard to do. When the wind blows you back, step forward again. It can be done, and you can do it.

its alrite. it must have been traumatising. i wish i could say that i know what your going through, but i cant, and that just gives me all the more reason to respect how far you have come.

> Well what about the other side effects...cause I know sure as I hell that I was shit when I was on them. Dont like talking about it. Some things I just cant talk about yet and thats one of them...but I just want to move on. I dont want to be trapped her...I just cant get out...I dont want to wait years to get better. I know it wont be instantly but I just want to move on...I know if I explained things more that last part would be easier to understand but I just cant talk about it unless I got a bottle next to me...

its alrite. if u cant talk about it yet, then dont. the healing process does take time. u'l feel better more and more as time goes by. and things will get easier to talk about. no need to rush things. i understand your impatients, but im not sure that there is much that can be done about it.

> It looks like I'm out for the night...Dfd making me go to bed. She's always forcing me to do things I wouldn't do on my own...like sleeping. I can't believe I put her through this. She didn't need to see what she saw...I screwed up...really bad. And the worst thing is hearing a little girl asking you why you committed suicide. That little girl...how the hell was I suppose to respond to that. A little girl...you know...I always wanted to be a father. Just my damn luck...I'll never be father material now...

dont say that.
sleep well. and try to think positive. best advise i can give.


and get lots of pudding :wink:

Dzang makes some excellent points. Even if you don't want to even try medicine, you can still seeing a psychologist regularly, no meds, no institution. A journey of a thousand miles begins with one tiny step and all that.

My dad swore up and down nothing was wrong with him for years- it nearly ruined his marriage to my mom. She finally forced him to see the doctor, and even he admits he's much better now thanks to meds and seeing the psychologist regularly.

Remember, DFD wants to help, that's why we're even talking now. Just try to take things one day at a time. Try not to drink any booze for just one day. Then another day. The biggest problems are daunting if you try to take them on all at once. They aren't nearly so frightening if you break them up into smaller bits and pieces.

I didn't mean to disrespect what you're going through, and I take no offense at your replies.

You do know that what they say is true. I cannot give any more advice then they already have.

I know you are hurting. You and I both are. However, you do not realize that some of us are always here for you. Inferno and I have stood by your side the entire time, and do not intend on leaving now.

I know that Inferno could tend to be violent with you, but he only means the best. It was only because you were seriously mentally distorted or drunk that he resorted to attempting to fight you. However, he only did it because he knew it would bring you back to reality.

You were not the only one who lost that child, remember that. I know you wanted nothing more to be a father, although I still must admit you do not appear to look father material, although your heart does prove else wise. You just look more cut for the Marines then to be a loving father, but I know that you would have made a great father. And I know that if it was a little girl, she would have said the word "Daddy" first, and she would have taken her first steps for you.

There still is time. Just because she/he was lost the first time does not mean that it was the last time. There is still hope! And I am not willing to just give up because of one failure, although I knowingly admit that another failure would be more devastating then the first. But, that is a risk I am willing to take, because the prospect of success is so much greater then the loss.

We are all here for you. You do not have to carry this alone. You have so many people here supporting you. Why would you consider giving us up?

I know sometimes I have been really harsh, emotional, and irrational with you. I will admit that sometimes my own emotions and beliefs strained and clouded my thinking when a clear head was needed the most. However, I cannot say that I am not there with you, feeling your pain, and experiencing your hurt. I still swear that when I held you in my arms that night that I myself was slipping with you, and that I felt that the pain you inflicted yourself. But, I will never let that turn me away, not after all we have been through.

One wrong moment after those years of happiness is not enough to turn me away. You made me realize that I could trust someone. I could dare say that you made me love again. You showed me a humor that I never even imagined. I always took everything way too serious for my own good, and until you came along, I could not release my stress. I have so much to thank you for, that I would never turn you away so hasty because you were lost, confused, and mentally hurt.

I know it is hard for you. I know that when your Uncle died you felt hopeless and hated yourself because you did nothing to prevent it. I will not shove religion down your throat. I never would, and you know that. A person must find religion themselves. But just think, perhaps, there was a greater and unimaginable reason why matters happened the way they did. Perhaps, we cannot grasp the why because it is beyond our plane of thinking and comprehension. We could only struggle to try and accept it because that is the most we could, accept it and move on with the knowledge.

Furthermore, I know that you are feeling angry with me for numerous reasons, but please just listen to me, to us all. Everyone here has shown some sort of support, whether a simple kind word or sound advice. Do not turn them away without at least giving their propositions some thought, as they have put some thought into those posts to you. At least hear them out, that is all I ask.

I should not say that is all I ask, because you and I well know there is more I would like done, and for starters getting your life back is one of them. I want to see you move on so that I could move on. I am not going to leave you in the dust as I move on. I know you need people, whether you admit it or not, you need us. Since you opened up to more people, you have shown visual improvement. You have been keeping away from that vile alcohol more and more. You have awaked on numerous occasions with a sanguine hope for that day. There is still hope in you, and I know that in time you will come back to us, only if you are willing though.

There is no one here judging you. Open up them……to us. No one here is going to mock you or harass you because you slipped up in life. Take a close look; no one is reprimanding you for your actions. And I believe you should have been kinder on that Plastic Hams on Sticks person. Talk with him. He appears to need someone to talk to. Coincidentally, you both do. Talk to him and accept that he needs someone as well. If you really do not want to see him fall down the same hole as you did, then talk with him, and help him. You have been there, there is more that you could help him with than I or even others who have never attempted to end our lives. You experienced something that we have not, and because of that there is more that you could help him with then we could.

As I said before, I know you are angry with me. You would not have left me unless you were really angry. I am sorry for taking the steps I did, but I would do it again if I have to. I would not allow you to do anything like that again. Did you know what it did to us to see you laying on the floor with all that blood? If anyone should be angry it should be us, but clearly we are not. I know your mind works differently from my own, but whatever reasons that pushed you to this anger I am sure are subtle acts. Tell me about it if it angers you. You know me, well at least I hope you do, and you should know that I will do my best to see to it that the problem is worked out.

Try to realize that I am only doing this for you because I love you Dante. You see, I admitted it. I love you, and not just a simple love that one has for a friend. No, it is a love that I cannot describe, but I know it is there.

I am not willing to give up on you when I know that you are different then this. Please do not give up on us. Are you willing to sacrifice what we all had before all of this? Are you willing to just toss away years of happiness and fun because you made one pitiful mistake?

I am not just here for you because I feel I have to be. I am here because I want to be. I would rather live my life struggling to assure that you get better then leave you behind and sacrifice the prospect of the future. I know that once this all passes, once we move on from this, that our future is going to be happy and eventful.

Please just talk with us, consider what we say, and try to move on. Try to accept what has happened, and move on. I know it will be difficult for you, and for us. But it is possible. Others have done it. And really how different are people when we all have hearts that need to beat for us to live, brains that need to work for us to function, lungs that need to fill so that we may breathe? There is not much separating us all, only our perceived minds, and minor flaws that differ us. Those are minor though according to what really counts. Others have shown that they know people who have faced similar situations. Listen to them, they could help you. None of us may be professionals, but all of us are intelligent and have the ability to communicate our feelings. Sometimes those instincts, feelings, and emotions are not too far off from a professional opinion. Although in society we only recognize a professional opinion as a sound one, but remember that someone had to get a person to a professional; someone who knew something was wrong.

I guess what I am really saying is listen. Talk and listen. We are not here for nothing, and we are not dumb. We know what is right from wrong. Please just listen to our advice.

Sorry for butting in, but I think I can add something here that may help.

Ive been on 4 different types of anti-depressants in my time, finally deciding I didnt need them anymore, so believe me, I know what you are going through...becuase Ive been there.

What your going through right now....what your feeling right now...

...is temporary.

Right now...life sucks, and theres just no way you think its gonna get any better right?
Think about six months from now....do you think you will still feel this way?
You might....but thats partially up tp you.

You know...damn well...that you COULD be feeling better..becuase youve been better before, right?

You CAN help yourself....its just a matter of wanting to.
Not easy I know...and it sounds sappy and stupid.....but its not.
Its the truth.
The thing is...you need some help to get yourself back on track.
From who?
Who cares?....as long as you will feel better than you do RIGHT NOW.

You have temporary problems....dont use permanant solutions.
Another sappy line..nut ultimately true.
What good will killing yourself do for anyone?
Yes..it might take care of YOUR problems....but is only about JUST you?
What about people that care about you?
Like certain girls that want you to talk to some idiots on a web-site?
What would your death do to her?
you dont want to hurt anymore do you?

No..you dont..becuase your not a monster....your just going through a rough time right now.
It fu*king sucks, I know.
But if you give in.......IT wins.

Do what ever it takes to feel a little better. man.
Let people help you.
If you wont, or cant do it for yourself.....do it for her....or anyone else.

Trust me....
It gets better.
Dont expect miracles, or Unicorns crapping rainbows straight into our heads to make us magically feel better, becuase that shit doesnt happen, and we all know it.

But it DOES get better.
You just have to work at it.
Feel free to send me a TG if you need to for any reason.

be around people that make you feel good....if you dont know many..find some.

See, people are here for you. Talk with them. Listen to them. You are not the only one who has ever been down that path. There is hope for you.

BackwoodsSquatches, thank you. You said it well and really down to earth.

Excuse me for posting without an invite. I just wanted to say that your speeches- DFD & Backwood- really touched me. I have a friend whos father committed suicide, left no note & did it at home. The pain the family & friends had to endure was overwhelming. (his son found him). My father died from cancer. I would honestly say that it was so much harder for my friend than myself. I had time to prepare. Time to reflect, Time to say goodbye. My friend didn't.
I hope that your friend will find the strength to get help. I hope he realises that suicide would rob the world of a good person. I hope he understands that he can help others in the same position as himself.
a heartfelt good luck.
LL xx

I am sorry to hear about your friend and your loss. It must be hard to know that someone is going to die for awhile. Cancer is a terrible way to die, and I sympathize for anyone who has to suffer through it.

I hope my friend does find help. I already found a promising counselor for him, he is just having a hard time getting there. I kind of understand on his behalf. He has spent his entire life on his own, and now he has to rely on others to function properly. It must be a hard fact to admit when he is really prideful.

I just wish that he would get some help soon, and very soon. The ball is in his hands. He has to make the shot, not me.

> heh...yea well she cant take it all sometime. I handed it to her hard...shes have a hard time dealing with it. I hurt Dfd the most during all of this...but I cant talk about that. I hate that I've hurt her so bad...
I think there's a point when it's just out of both her and your hands in terms of anyone's responsibility for what you're going through. There's so much that she is trying to do to help you, but ultimately, you are going to have to want to be helped.

Just know that she really cares about you (dare I say it, she loves you). I wish I could say and do so much more to help you than that, but she loves you so much that it's obvious from this side of the computer screen. Hopefully, that will serve at least some comfort.

Feel free to hit me up with a telegram if you wish.

> Damn...I dont know what to say...

> I'm going to try and work something out but theres no way I could even attempt to outdue Dfd...damn Dfd...why the hell do you post so good. You suck...that made me think...and I dont like to think...makes me remember what I did and what caused me to get this way.

I dont even know where to start...I'll try from when this all started but hell thats a bitch and half...

I wanted to be a daddy...I really did. And I wanted a little girl. I wouldn't have minded if it was a boy...I would've cared the same...but I just wanted a little girl. I know I wasnt the only one to lose that child...Dfd and I feel really bad for you too...

I didnt do anything when my uncle died because I didnt know what to say. I screwed up...and I cant ever change that one.

I just fell into this social decline afterward. I didnt want to deal with ppl. Looking at them annoyed me. I dont know why but they did.

Then when I came over that night and I saw that you were really pissed I felt like crap. I hated seeing you like that. Then when I was laying there on the floor and watching you look at me like that...that hurt alot. I cant even put it in words what I felt. I knew I lost more than a hell of alot of blood that night. You know though...I will admit that as you held me I felt better...before I fell unconscious. I remember hearing Inferno saying...he wouldnt do it. oh f'ck. I dont even remember my stay in the hospital...well the first couple days at least...

Then when I came home things got interesting...those pills they had me on really screwed with me. I couldnt do a thing on them...they were terrible. Then going through withdrawl...that was interesting enough on its own...

I'm sorry I was such a dick in on our trip. I dont know what even triggered that rage. I just got pissed because I was burden on you and it was annoying me that I couldnt stop myself.

At least we're getting somewhere...thats all I could really say right now...at least I'm getting somewhere...

Stop living in the past. What happened happened. No one could change it. We all make mistakes.

I do admit you are improving. Just think, you have a lovely appointment to look foreward to soon.

another thing:

The last thing you should so, until you talk to a counselor...is sit around and mope.
Go out.....do something....anything but sit around and wallow in your own misery...go see a movie..talk a walk ......hang out at a bar....do anything...just dont sit and do nothing.

The more you sit and think about how bad everything is.....the worse it makes you feel.....do anything to take your mind off all of it, until you can talk to someone.

> I've got an appointment soon...until then I'll do my best Backwood...

another thing:

The last thing you should so, until you talk to a counselor...is sit around and mope.
Go out.....do something....anything but sit around and wallow in your own misery...go see a movie..talk a walk ......hang out at a bar....do anything...just dont sit and do nothing.

The more you sit and think about how bad everything is.....the worse it makes you feel.....do anything to take your mind off all of it, until you can talk to someone.

this man is a genious.

> One thing though...no bars for me...trying to quit...

another thing:

The last thing you should so, until you talk to a counselor...is sit around and mope.
Go out.....do something....anything but sit around and wallow in your own misery...go see a movie..talk a walk ......hang out at a bar....do anything...just dont sit and do nothing.

The more you sit and think about how bad everything is.....the worse it makes you feel.....do anything to take your mind off all of it, until you can talk to someone.

this man is a genious.

Not really....Ive just been where this guy is right now.

ah. still, great advise man

ah. still, great advise man

Just hope it helps.

*crosses fingers*

I tried to commit suicide not long ago. DFD will know this as my sudden disapearance from the game. Almost succeeded. Spent several weeks in hospital. Told everyone I was "sick". But reading this...I'm coming clean. Yes, I almost did away with myself. Yes, I'm an alcoholic. No, I don't think I'm much better now than I was before.
It might sound retarded, but this game is keeping me going right now. Playing this game allows me to fade into fantasy mode. I feel you, I really do. Excuse me, I have to go cry now.

Presgrief, I am sorry to hear that. I did not that. I am sorry to hear about that. I believe that you and Dante should talk about it sometime. You both seem to have much in common about the situation.

*crosses fingers as well*

I am right here with you all. I hope the best as well!

*crosses fingers as well*

I am right here with you all. I hope the best as well!

ditto

> Instead of crossing your fingers...help me come up with some things to do to kill the time. I work out when I feel utterly helpless and shower when I'm in the pits. No movies...no TV...and no books though...I tried them all and they bring me down even more. I need something to do when I'm pissed...including violent and frustrated. I need something to do when I'm lonely. Help me guys...I cant think...

> Instead of crossing your fingers...help me come up with some things to do to kill the time. I work out when I feel utterly helpless and shower when I'm in the pits. No movies...no TV...and no books though...I tried them all and they bring me down even more. I need something to do when I'm pissed...including violent and frustrated. I need something to do when I'm lonely. Help me guys...I cant think...

ever consider taking up golf? its relaxing and, if u need to vent sum rage, u can always wrap a club around a tree or sumthing.
as for lonelyness, i think im with the sasquach on this on. go volunteer for something. maybe at a daycare center. kids have a way of bringing more compnionship that one can handle sumtimes.

> NO...no way in hell Im going near a daycare...that'd be the death of me. Thats guarenteeing me to blow my brains out from depression...

Now...the golf idea might be somethin to try...I'll give that a shot...no day cares...I know sure as hell children bring joy...thats the reason I am the way I am right now...

Volunteering is still an option...but I dont know where to go. All the local volunteer programs round here are control by 15 yr old teenage girls. The schools round here have programs active in the community and they do everything...

well, i realize that this may not be a real glamerous option, but maybe there is a retirement home nearby. most teenagers wont go near them, the ocupants of the home are not usually the joyous type, and all u'd really need to do is keep someone company, lend an ear or sumthing.

Local hospitals might have some volunteer programs, too, similiar to helping at a retirement home sort of deal. Getting out and getting exercise also helps, oddly enough. Aerobics, or just going for long walks, or hell, even tracking down an arcade with a Dance Dance Revolution machine and playing that.

> sounds possible...I just hope I could do with it...I'm really not good with old ppl though...but hell if I'm facing my fears now with getting help...I guess I should face something else I dont like...

> Sounds like a plan Rep...Im just really edgy right now...Dfds not home...at work...and Im lost. I need to talk to her...she'll be home soon...but I need to keep busy and keep my mind of things...

that's the spirit, but dont push yourself too hard, too fast. that can only lead to more trouble. look into the hospitol volonteerwork b4 the retirment center if neccesary.

Well, s'what we're here for =) I bet DFD is mucho relieved that you're facing down your fears.

Like I said- physical exertion can do a wonder for not thinking about stuff- even if you just bust out, say, 100 Jumping Jacks for no good reason, when you get yourself all short on breath and stuff working out a little, it's hard to think of much else beyond inhale-exhale-dude-I've-got-a-leg-cramp :wink:

> heh...cramp...yea that would take someones mind of something...those damn charlie horses hurt like hell sometimes. I've been lifting before to get my mind of things. Work outs do wonders...I agree with you there...

> well...I went for some help today...still thinking about what we talked about so I'm not prepared to talk about it...

> well...I went for some help today...still thinking about what we talked about so I'm not prepared to talk about it...

S'okay- what somebody talks to a psychologist about is their business and theirs alone- nobody's demanding you tell us all about it. =) Whenever you're ready to talk to us, we're here =)

I'm 'back', sorta...in other words, by computer is almost back to normal.
DFD, I already warned you about my age, so a 'gram saying stay out will cause no offence...
Can't say this accuratly without knowing you too well, but have you ever taken martial arts? If you think something aimed towards violence is the wrong idea, (once again I do not have an image of your personality, so this is a general suggestion) what about Tai Chi?
The only reason I'm suggesting this is I had a friend (older than me, would be about 24 now) in a similiar situation. He took up..it may have been kendo?...and completely changed. It gave him something to practice, lessons to look forward to, etc.
Alternatively, if you are musically minded, you could take up a new instrument. I know this also worked for someone (who is now sitting first chair in first violin). If you aren't musically inclined, starting from scratch can be hard and repative, though.
Meh..11 here, brain not working. If what I just posted makes no sense whatsoever, just ignore...I can speak very strangely when tired...

> This is Dfds friend now...Dfds lettin me use her nation to keep my identity a secret...

Rep...things are all over the place. I'm getting help but it makes me feel like crap afterwards. It gets me thinking and I end up beatin myself down over it. I'm still goin...looks like I'm goin to be put on meds for sure. The doc mentioned it a little last time...but he knows that I don't want to and that I hate them. He didn't want to lose my trust I think...so he didn't really push the idea. I think next time though...we're goin to get into a big discussion on it and he'll probably put me on something nice and good to shut me up... :lol: I hate them though. :evil: Meds aren't my thing...even though I'm trying to work that out...

I really don't know what to do anymore...things aren't in my control anymore...this doc is something else...some times I hate him and others I feel like hes a borther or soemthing...

Pulling yerself out of any rut is gonna be an emotional rollercoaster. You've got a good start- I had a love-hate relationship with my psychologist at first, too- she made me think about stuff I didn't want to think about! :lol: But in the long run it helped- after all, you can't get past your problems if you refuse to acknowledge or confront 'em. And as for the whole meds thing, well, I think my sister's able to talk to ya about that stuff a whole lot better than I could ^^;

> Yeah...she's messaged me about them. She's really kind and helped me out some. You two both did. My whole anti-meds thing I'm starting to overcome. I just have this belief that they're not going to work because one didn't.

Pulling myself out of this is really hard. My doc is helping but the whole men and their goddamned pride bull is keepin me from really opening up. I feel like I'm admitting defeat or something and I hate the feeling.

I'm heading for the night cause my thoughts are jambled and I'm beating myself down. When that happens I know I got to get away and do something active...so off to lifting again...

Good luck! =)

> Damn...my so called friends are real assholes. Last night...someone who I thought was a friend told my cousin (I don't really know how we're related but we call each other cousins) that I was dead. My cousin believed him. My cousin called MY house and figures didn't get ahold of me. So my cousin told all the ppl on my AIM list I was dead and the viewing was Tuesday. Then this friend of mine went under my friends name and played along. Now I got a crap load of ppl mad at me because they think I was behind this...and my cousin is a wreck because when she thought I was seriously dead. I don't even know what to do...I'm trying to sort this out but I have no idea how far this person went with all of this. Little prick...my cousin kicked his ass when she found out it was a joke...and on easter...some ppl have no respect telling lies like that...

DFD--preferable DFD's original operator, because I am not in a position to predict DFD's 'grams---check you grams. I responded to that last one.

invite me then. :lol:

> Heh...took care of that so called friend today...I'm in trouble...

how so?

> Heh...took care of that so called friend today...I'm in trouble...

You didn't do anything illegal, did you? :shock:

> Well...technically its not legal...but we didn't kill anyone. Just bet the crap out of someone for doing something really bad. I know violence doesn't do anything...but this little prick took it too far. He hurt alot of people in his joke and so Inferno DFD and me took care of him. Just hope he learned his lesson...and I guess I should watch my back now...but well...he took it too far...

Better hope the punk doesn't file charges :shock:

Violence is way not the solution. A good verbal tear-down, on the other hand, can be much more damaging in the long run, and without the risk of assault and battery charges.

i have to agree with Reploid here. violence isnt the answer. but im glad to hear the little turd got what was coming to him.

i have to agree with Reploid here. violence isnt the answer. but im glad to hear the little turd got what was coming to him.

thats not exactly the kind of excersise i had in mind when it was suggested that physical activity might help, but i guess that works too.

> I didn't expect to take it that far...just lost control trying to teach the little prick a lesson. But thats a once and done thing...don't plan on going that far again...

oh well. what's doen is done and cannot be undone. i would not worry about it at all.

> Its been awhile since I talked to you all...but I shouldn't leave you hanging...alots been happening...

I'm going on meds...doc is lookin into them now...

I've stopped screwing with my doc...and started opening up. I've been a dick to my doc by concealing alot...he's just trying to help and I've been playin with him by not telling him whats really bothering me...

I'm tryin to stop blaming myself for alot of crap that happened. I know its not my fault...but I spent too long blaming myself over it...

I'm almost alcohol free...can't fully break the habit though yet. Tryin...just not there yet...

I'm looking into some serious help...there are certain meds that my doc was talking about that required hospitalization when on them...but he said that it should help me out alot...I'm considering...but he's leaving that option up to me. If I don't go that route hes going to try other stuff...we're negotiating...

One thing I'm thankful for...learning how to negotiate when it comes to serious business...

> Its been awhile since I talked to you all...but I shouldn't leave you hanging...alots been happening...

I'm going on meds...doc is lookin into them now...

I've stopped screwing with my doc...and started opening up. I've been a dick to my doc by concealing alot...he's just trying to help and I've been playin with him by not telling him whats really bothering me...

I'm tryin to stop blaming myself for alot of crap that happened. I know its not my fault...but I spent too long blaming myself over it...

I'm almost alcohol free...can't fully break the habit though yet. Tryin...just not there yet...

I'm looking into some serious help...there are certain meds that my doc was talking about that required hospitalization when on them...but he said that it should help me out alot...I'm considering...but he's leaving that option up to me. If I don't go that route hes going to try other stuff...we're negotiating...

One thing I'm thankful for...learning how to negotiate when it comes to serious business...

alrite. rightous progress man. im proud. and your trying to look on the brightside now too. you've come a long way.

> Its been awhile since I talked to you all...but I shouldn't leave you hanging...alots been happening...

I'm going on meds...doc is lookin into them now...

I've stopped screwing with my doc...and started opening up. I've been a dick to my doc by concealing alot...he's just trying to help and I've been playin with him by not telling him whats really bothering me...

I'm tryin to stop blaming myself for alot of crap that happened. I know its not my fault...but I spent too long blaming myself over it...

I'm almost alcohol free...can't fully break the habit though yet. Tryin...just not there yet...

I'm looking into some serious help...there are certain meds that my doc was talking about that required hospitalization when on them...but he said that it should help me out alot...I'm considering...but he's leaving that option up to me. If I don't go that route hes going to try other stuff...we're negotiating...

One thing I'm thankful for...learning how to negotiate when it comes to serious business...

alrite. rightous progress man. im proud. and you're trying to look on the brightside now too. you've come a long way.

> Yea...I guess I did...but right now...its the biggest fight...trying to get my life together again...

Hi. How are you?

Hi. How are you?

I am doing quite well, thanks to my girlfriend. Yourself?

great things always take great strife. just hang in there and you'l do it.

> Stop spamming this thread...

> STOP SPAMMING THIS THREAD...LAST WARNING...

> You don't own this thread...so stop screwing with my head and leave...

dude, leave him alone and quit messing with the thread. it aint right.

> Hey...this is my final warning...I'm in not goddamn mood to put up with little pissasses spamming this thread...so get the hell out and spam somewhere else...one more freaking damn message and thats it...Don't screw with me...

Soviet Democracy, you will stop spamming this thread, unless you want to end up on the business end of the Sword of DEAT.

http://rpstudios.ian-justman.com/junk/CGgoods/RepProdtheModsig3.JPG
~Evil Empress Rep Prod the Ninja Mod
~Master of the mighty moderation no-dachi Kiritateru Teikoku

rightous DFD! your got a mod backing you up.

> Thanks Rep...I owe you one... :wink:

Soviet Democracy, you will stop spamming this thread, unless you want to end up on the business end of the Sword of DEAT.

http://rpstudios.ian-justman.com/junk/CGgoods/RepProdtheModsig3.JPG
~Evil Empress Rep Prod the Ninja Mod
~Master of the mighty moderation no-dachi Kiritateru Teikoku

I'm sorry also. I love you all and wish you lots of sex

*puts down a sock and a slice of cheese*
*gone*

i am in aw of the modly powers...

anywho, what where you saying DFD?

> Thanks Rep...I owe you one... :wink:

Hey, no prob- I promised to take care of people who showed up to make problems, didn't I? 8)

Glad to hear yer doing better, and I'm sure Dosei'll be happy to hear it too (once I let her online :oops: I've been working on the moderator tasklist backlog all day long x_x)

=)

> This is Dfds friend...not Dfd...I'm using her nation so I don't attract attention to my actual nation. I'm going to go lifting to calm my nerves...what they did really pissed me off. I'm not in the mood for ppl screwing around when I'm trying to be dead serious...thanks for Rep...or I'd of lost it...she came just in the nick of time. I might be back on later...if not...you'll see me tomorrow...or later today...whatever time zone you're in...

alrite. take it easy man.

> Yea...you did Rep...and I appreciate it alot...thanks...always knew we could count on you... :P

Dosie helped me out a bunch two...you both deserve some sort of credit for helping me back on my feet. Didn't realize it until last night...but damn...I really fell far compared to the way I used to be. I'm just trying to get back on track now though...

> Well...dumbass [name removed] screws it up yet again...

I got pissed and lost control of myself...completely lost control. I ended up smoking my doc...

I'm screwed everyone...so this is probably the last time you'll hear from me...hopefully its not...but I really dicked it up this time...

I want to thank you all for helping me out and helping during those rough times...it ment alot...

Thanks a hell of alot to Reppy for being the greatest mod...you really helped me out. I don't even know what to say but thanks a hell of a lot and that this crummy thanks is pissing me off cause its all I could say in return...to you and Dosei and you both deserve so much more.

There are also alot of other ppl I want to thank...but I dont have time...thanks though...you all know who you are...

we all make mistakes man. dont let it get you down. look at how far you'v come since the begining of this thread.

> Yea...free ticket to a sanatorium...

things have a way of working themselves out. just, not always in the way we expected. i'd say just take it easy for awhile. go on a vacation or sumthing.

> yea fat chance...I'm paying for bills out of my ass. I don't have the money to take a vacation. I'm just plain screwed...and I'm heading cause DFD will be here any sec...I don't want to be around when that happens...

alrite man. take it easy. and try not to worry about stuff so much. things'l get better. i promise.

Don't give up now =/ The others have said it- just over the course of this thread you're doing better. Whatcha mean you 'smoked' the doc? You hit 'im or something? o_O

think it means he fired him.
or quit.
or whatever it you do to doctors.

Oh no, Reploid was correct. He just snapped and punched his doctor right in the face.

I am appalled. I have nothing to say. He is not here though. I suppose he left out of frustration.


And if you read this......Get the hell back here before you get into more trouble then you already are in. The doctor is not mad or pressing charges or anything. He was just shocked. He understands though, and said he did kind of deserve it for pushing you the way he did.

I talked with him. Nothing is going to happen unless you choose to continue to act like this.

DFD, check yer TGs.

Good luck =/

well said Mr. Mod.
good luck kiddo

Responded. Sorry it took so long.

> I'm too lazy to do this again so Im pasting what I wrote for a friend. Heh...dont mind me...btw...Im back through major persuasion...but I'm back...

Where to even begin...

I went to my appointment today...alittle late...the doc didn't think I was going to show...heh...surprised him...

Lets talk about my doc...he's a little out of shape...guess I hit him harder then I thought...that or he just bruises too easily...arg...dammit...it was hard as hell to talk and not think about that punch. Everytime I looked at him I felt bad...I didn't mean to hit him period...and not that hard...

Today we stayed off of all serious matters...heh...I wonder why. We talked about my childhood. Eh...not something worth spending time talking about. I could summarize it in a small paragraph. But...anyway...he thinks I should talk more about it...so here I go...

I was just a little youngin...when my parents left me. Just upped and left...never heard from them again. My grandfather took me in and I lived with him and my gram...she died early in my life before I could even really do anything. So...I grew up with my grandfather.

My grandfather...tight ass. I wasn't allowed to dick around. I had to respect my elders or my grandfather would crack me. And I wasn't allowed to lose fights. My grandfather would kick my ass if I got my ass kicked...good thing it only happened once or twice.

My grandfather didn't want me to be anything like his son. So...I was the complete opposite of his son. I was the smart...strong...respectful...nonbullied kid. I didn't let ppl push me around and I didn't leave my responsibilities because they might turn out to be a burden...

I grew up kind of quietly. I had my friends who were really close to me and everyone else. I didn't have too many personal enemies...but ppl were too scared to screw with me so they just kind of considered me a thread and didn't mess with me.

My grandfather died when I was younger too...that was hard cause he was really the only one I had. I lived with my uncle then...things were cool even though I still followed my grandfathers priniciples...

I think around then I started drinking too...not alot...but it was enough to get me hooked on the addiction I now have...

...STUPID ME SAYING STUPID STUFF...edit...

But...my doc said my childhood...so I'm going to stick to that...

As a kid...I loved to play physical games...not sports. I wasnt in football...wrestling...anything like that...even though ppl wanted to kick my ass cause I would've been great doing them...but games like dusk commandos and capture the flag. I also would fight...just sparing fun fighting...but we took everything we did serious. We'd fight but still be best friends...

I cant say I didn't play sports at all...just never on a highschool team or school organization type thing. I would play sports with my friends...but I lacked a seriousness for the acutal thing. I guess it was doing what I did because I liked to...not because I was feeling obligated to accomplish anything.

I liked adventure...so I often went out with friends to hind of explore new places.

I didn't really get in much troubel with the cops...and when I did I took the punishment. Never went to Juvie or any of those places...just had to periodically pay some fines for fighting or being stupid. Like we used to pool hop and figures I get nabbed. I didnt get in much trouble though...

Um...what else is there to say. I kind of was just normal. I dont see what my life as a kid has to do with anything...but I got it all down...well most of it. Other stuff I cant remember or just dont feel like including cause its really stupid stuff or its just really screwed up...

sry to hear about your folks. that musta been rough. but its good to open up, even if its just a little bit.

I'm really glad you're back. I was worrying last night, I don't know when I finally fell asleep. I know it's kinda crazy because we don't really know each other except through NationStates, but I suppose that's just the way I am.

Contrary to what you hear in the news these days, there are still a lot of people who give a damn about other people.

And don't feel bad or anything because I was worrying about you. It was my choice to get involved, and to worry.

My friend told me to post this before he headed to bed. His doctor is trying to see if a regular sleeping routine will help his horrible nightmares. And this post is all about those nightmares.

He has been having terrible nightmares, ones he cannot much bare. I do not blame him, when I read I was upset and depressed. Now, if you do not understand what he has been through then this nightmare that keeps reoccuring will not make much sense at all, but if you have really listened to him, and know what has bothered him alot, then this will make some sense to you.

Note: This has been editted to keep some identities protected. This was something he wrote elsewhere that he wanted me to share with you because he simply could not go through the pain of trying to write it again. Please understand, this is painful for him, and you will understand if you know anything of what has happened to him.

*****

> I just got to get this off my head so hopefully it STAYS OUT of my head...I've been having some pretty nasty dreams lately...really nasty dreams...

It starts off with nothing...really my dream is nothing...I'm there...but there is nothing...

Then it goes into me sitting at a table...drinking of course...and in my dream I go back in time to my childhood. I don't remember much about this part and other stuff I don't really want to talk about...but its really twisted...and life like. The major part in that fight was when I bet the crap out some kid for nothing. I was having a bad day and the kid ran into me...so I punched him...and kept punching him till he cried and my friends pried me off. That is partial to the truth when I was a kid but there was more of a reason behind the actually beating the crap out of him then there was in my dream.

My dream skips around alot before it settles on the day I met DFD...which was one of the few happy parts in my dream. I came to this party some of my friends invited me to...wasnt going to go...but they kind of dragged me there. During the party we were drinking...and I was showing off of course cause I could drink more then them. Somewhere while drinking DFD was drinking...she was holding her own for awhile...but then some guy went to take advantage of her becase she was drunk. I stepped in...even though I never met DFD up to this moment. She seemed like the type of woman who wouldnt want that but was too drunk to know it. So I stepped in and helped her home from the party and we stayed at my Uncles place and talked until she passed out. My uncle was there talking about some wierd stuff...that I didnt understand that moment in the dream. Again...this is really close to what happened...except I never did take DFD to my Uncles and my Uncle didn't say anything worth concern until much later then this happened in real life...

There is a brief nothing in my dream again and then I'm standing there in a tux...all nice and spiffy. A scene starts to come into vision...its my wedding day. I'm standing there waiting for DFD. She comes down the aisle...shes absolutely beautiful. She's got on this long white gown thats perfect for her...her train follows...and she looks like a Goddess on their wedding day...if Goddess get married. Its really a scene thats unspeakable...and shes so happy and smiling...

She gets up there and turns to me...still smiling and so happy. She tells me she lost it...but the wedding goes on...we both don't seem to even hear that. During the ceremony...I start cutting myself...just like I really did and I felt it...I felt it all over again. But it goes unnoticed...even by me. Until the preacher says and do you [insert name]...and bam...I fall to the ground in a pool of my own blood. DFD stoops down and holds me...just like she really did. The look in her face and the reactions were all the same...except she was in a wedding gown. My blood stained her pretty dress and somehow...I just disappeared from the dream...

Now take in mind that everytime DFD appears in this dream from this point shes in that blood stained gown and me in my blood stained tux. Which doesnt help because that is a disturbing sight...

Things skip around from here...it goes back to this one time my friends thought it would be utterly haliriosu to take me to a gay bar. (((reference to his homophobia to a friend)))... But...one more reason for my phobia. I was sitting at the bar...some gay guy started talking to me. He called me sugar and honey. I just sat there and ordered a drink when he touched my leg. I snapped and my friends tried to restrain me from leaving...and I turn around to see this one guy in front of me. He nailed me across the face and I hit the wall...his friends...came from no where held me down while this guy took hits at me and my friends stood by and watched. This is a switch just so you know...that never happened that day but jumped back to my days in school and one of the few times I got my ass kicked.

The guy kept hitting me in the face and stomach until his friends let go and I fell to the ground...then my grandfather was standing there. He pulled me up...cursed me out for not putting up a fight...struck me across the face...the whole thing I swear I'm feeling... My Uncle came up to him and told him that was enough. My grandfather just told me to go clean up and be back down for dinner. He never showed up for dinner and I sat at the table with my Uncle waiting. That switched and didn't follow actual events much at all. My grandfather would hit me for losing a fight...thats true. My Uncle never got involved because he wasn't around. My grandfather always showed up for dinner...but in my dream it showed he died...

My dream went into a scene where my Uncle and me were together and he was talking about death and all. I watched him say how pointless life is and all. I watched him climb on a chair and tie a rope around his neck. He jumped off the chair and strangled to death cuase his neck didn't snap. And the whole time I stood there and watched and didn't do anything. This is not what happened at all in RL...but its the whole me standing by and not doing anything that holds some truth...

I'm skipping alot of crap...too long...and some of it is just too hard to put into words or not the more important serious crap that really hit me...

I'm sitting at DFDs house and there is a knock at the door...I go to answer the door and its DFD with a little girl in her arms. Shes so happy...its our little girl...and she hands me her. Shes not a baby...but a little girl. And she wraps her arms around me and calls me daddy. And it was like she was my little girl...I never questioned it in my dream...I knew she was.

Now remember...DFDs still wearing that gown...so thinigs are really screwed up...its a happy moment filled with severe pain for me.

The little girl hops down and takes my hand and drags me into DFDs kitchen and DFD follows behind...smiling although her face still has my blood on it. My little girl took me into the kitchen and we made cookies...all of us. Me and DFD and my little girl...and we we're all having such a fun time. My little girl looks up to me and says...daddy why you bleeding. I looked down to see what she was talking about. I was still wearing the tux. I didnt know what to say and DFD started crying. I was lost...when my mother. Even though I never knew what my mother looked like she was in my dream. She came in. She looked at me and made the most disgusted faces ever. She went up to my little girl and took her. I went to grab her but my father...even thought I never knew what he looked like either...grabbed me from behind and held me there. Oddly...for how weak my father was compared to me...I couldnt break free. I was yelling and screaming and DFD was crying almost paralyzed there. My mother looked to me and said...since I lost my baby Im taking yours. I tried to fight my father but I couldnt...no matter what I did I couldnt fight him. I watched my mother drag my little girl who was crying out for me to save her but I couldnt do anything...

Somewhere along an hour of struggling...at least thats how long it seemed...I finally managed to break free. I ran after my little girl and when I got outside my mother was getting in the car and my little girl had her little hand on the window and was crying...I could see her little tears. And then I felt pain go through my back...and I heard a shot. I didnt realize my father shot me until after I fell to the ground. I was still alive though in my dream...and then I watched him kill my little girl. He took her out of the car and forced her to her knees right in front of me...and just shot her...twice in the head...

And then...I wake up...and if by chance I fall back asleep...like I did twice before...it just goes back to DFD bringing home my little girl and plays to the end...like a movie of something...

**Note: Color had been added to sort the dream from his talk.

there are no words that i can say to express what im feeling or thinking right now. your friends is obviously in alot of pain, that much was obvious from the start, but this is scarily painful. if there is anything, anything at all that i can help you 2 with, please do not hesitate to ask. iv had nightmares running along some of the same lines a some of these scenes, but not nearly so graphic or put together in one big nightmare.

His health is on the line here. I am really concerned about his health, mentally and physcially. I cannot blame him for not ever wanting to sleep, but he needs to.

And I cannot read it again. I read it once and that was all. Anyone who knew anything of what has really been bothering him will know how hard he is taking this. I am too. The scenes with me in it make me want to cry.

i would imagine so. my heart and prayers go out to both of you.

Thank you! That is all I could really say right now. I am really sad right now, so I cannot think of anything better to say.

you dont have to say anything. these are difficult times for you. so just know that there are people you can talk to about this. or anything else that you need to for that matter.

Yeow...

I'm no dream analyst, but from my rudimentary knowledge of the subject, it smacks of your friend's subconscious sending up warning flares all over the place. It's definately something that needs to be shared with the psychologist- even if you just have to print this thread up to spare the pain of having to try and describe it again- the psychologist or psychiatrist can do a lot more with this information than any of us can.

It sounds to me like a lot of inner demons are cutting loose all at once- and just ignoring 'em won't make it stop. With the psychologist, yer friend needs to go through it- even if it's just one tiny little piece at a time, and figure out what about each segement is causing the torment, so that it can be addressed, faced, and hopefully moved beyond.

I can see why never sleeping again would be the more attractive option at first glance, but that will really only make things worse. When you clock out from massive sleep deprivation (been there, done that), bad dreams tend to amplify themselves something fierce. I can suggest some assorted stopgap measures, but they're only temporary solutions, and not very good ones, at that.

-Use the alarm clock or something to wake up regularly through the night- a really wham-bang of a nightmare does take some time in the waking world to gather momentum- if yer friend wakes up, say, every hour and a half/two hours or so, the nightmare will get broken up better, and maybe even shaken off completely, at least for awhile. On the downsides, doin' it for any extended period will still result in sleep deprivation, and certainly less restful sleeping.

-I'll try to put this in a way that sounds as non-cheesy as possible. Try meditating and assorted breathing exercises for, say, a half hour before bedtime, or however long it takes to hit some semblance of calm. Whether y'try the 'think happy thoughts' method or the 'think of absolutely nothing' method, so long as yer friend isn't going to bed already dreading the 'inevitable' nightmare. Self-fulfilling prophesy and all that- if you're SO dead certain something's gonna happen, you subliminally make it happen. Go to bed CERTAIN you'll have an AWFUL nightmare, bam, y'do. Oddly enough, mentally timing some nonsense sounds to the 'breathe in, breathe out' exercises helps a lot for clearing the head. No real downsides to this approach, other than yer friend has got to stick with it every night.

-Okay, this one is just flat out going to sound odd, and I'm not sure how successful it'll be. I find that sometimes when I'm asleep and dreaming, I'm aware that I'm sleeping, and it's just a dream. If you can force yourself to realize it's a dream, often you can kinda seize control of the entire fiasco, and force it to your whimsy. I've got no advise on how to actually go about this... maybe coupled with the meditation type stuff yer friend can make it happen.

In any case, the doctor definately needs to see this- dreams can act as very good signposts to problems, and what you've described is a dead ringer for a great big red warning sign. And remember- baby steps. Don't try to climb the mountain in one big effort- try to climb over each rock as it comes.

> Well...whats to say...tried alot of ppls advice on how to sleep...it didnt work. I turn to drinking myself unconscious and that works...figures. I cant sleep again...those damn dreams are coming back...I fell asleep before and last about a hour to 2 hrs...now Im awake and shaking again...

You know...that dream wouldn't bother me so much if my unlce didnt die like that and if my little girl didnt die like that either...those two things kill me the most...

You know...that night I turned to drinking to fall asleep...I dont regret. I cant take those dreams...these pills Im on wont really kick in for some tiem...and during that time...I dont think I oculd handle those dreams everytime I go to bed...even if I do so much to prevent it...

And last night...I think its the only night I ever had self control...

Eh... hang in there =/ Even if you don't stop cold turkey on the booze, at least cut back a lot- that stuff can screw with the medicine something fierce >.o None of my suggestions work instantly either- just keep trying, one day at a time, and keep reminding yourself it's just a dream. =/