NationStates Jolt Archive

Stolen from another Forum...

*Approved by the The Ministry of Silly Roleplaying Games*

Remind you of any game stores you know?

Morning sir.

Good morning.

Can I help you?

Well, I was sitting in the public library reading through Buffy the Vampire Slayer slash fic when I came over all geekish.

Geekish, sir?

Nerdy. RPG-deficient.

Ah geeky!

In a nutshell. So I curtailed my slashing activities, sallied forth and infiltrated your place of purveyment for the purchasing of some gamey comestibles!

Come again?

I want to buy some RPGs.

Ohhh! I thought you were complaining about the Metallica music.

No, not at all. I am one who delights in all manifestations of the terpischorean muse

What?

I dig metal chicks. Now, some RPGs.

Yes sir, what would you like?

Well, how about some Witchcraft?

I'm afraid we're fresh out of Witchcraft sir.

Ah no matter. Very well, some GURPS, if you please.

Ah, we get GURPS books every second week sir.

Tsk. Well, a few books of Savage Worlds, then.

Normally sir, yes. Today the distributor broke down. And cried.

Not my lucky day, is it? Well, how about some Exalted?

No sir.

Torg?

Sorry

RIFTS?

Nope.

Deadlands?

No.

Star Wars?

Not as such.

Lord of the Rings?

Sold out.

HERO?

Uhuh.

Fuzion, BESM, Tri-stat dx, Feng Shui, Adventure, Dr Who, Shadowrun, Cyberpunk, Traveller, Buck Rogers, Tunnels and Trolls, Champions, Blood of Heroes, Marvel Heroes, DC Heroes?

Nooope.

Skyrealms of Jorune?

Not today sir, no.

Aberrant?

No

Mutants and Masterminds? SAS?

Sorry.

Underworld?

No.

Underground?

No.

Spycraft?

Uhuh.

Vampire Hunters?

Nope.

Chill?

Nope.

Buffy the Vampire Slayer?

Nope.

Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles?

Nope.

Warhammer?

Nope.

Vampire?

Ah, yes! We do have Vampire sir.

Really?

Yes, we do have Vampire.

Well, then, let me have it.

It's....a bit munchkiny sir.

I don't care.

It's very munchkiny sir.

I like it munchkiny. Bring forth the world of darkness! Mmm!

I think its more munchkiny than you like it sir.

I don't CARE HOW MUNCHKINY IT IS, LET ME HAVE IT!

Okay sir. (pause) Ohhh damn.

What?

The line ended.

Did it?

Yes sir.

I see. Bubblegum crisis?

No.

Fuzion?

No.

FUDGE?

Sorry.

Ghost Dog?

Nope.

Ghostbusters?

Nope.

Bushido?

No.

Fading Suns?

Sold out.

Heavy Gear, Tribe 8, Jovian Chronicles?

No, no, and no.

Ah, how about Dungeons and Dragons?

Well, we don't get much call for it around here.

NOT MUCH CALL FOR IT? It's the single most popular game in the world!

Not round here sir!

I see. And what IS the most popular game around here?

Sorcerer, sir.

Is it.

Oh yes. Narrative games are staggeringly popular in this manor sir.

Are they.

Yes.

Have you got any, he asked, expecting the answer no.

I'll have a look sir. Nnnnnnnnnnnno.

I see. Usagi Yojimbo?

No.

Star Trek?

No.

Paranoia?

No.

Fvlminata?

Nix.

Castle Falkenstein?

Not so much.

Ars Magica?

Nope.

What about...SHUT THAT BLOODY METALLICA UP!

Told you so.

Now...what about Farscape?

Sorry.

It's not much of a gaming shop is it?

Finest in the district sir!

Explain the logic underlying that conclusion.

Well, it's so clean.

It's certainly uncontaminated by games.

You haven't asked me about Hackmaster sir.

Is it worth it?

Could be.

Have you got any Hackmaster?

No sir.

I see. It was an act of total optimism to phrase the question in the first place. Have you, in fact, got any RPGs at all?

Yes.

Really?

No. Sorry sir. I was deliberately wasting your time.

In that case, I am going to have to shoot you, and start ordering online.

Fair enough.

What a senseless waste of retail space....

Ah, yes, the Cheese Shop sketch. :lol:

Ah, yes, the Cheese Shop sketch. :lol:

I actually got more...

I enjoyed that very much. Did you say you have more ?

Scene: A gaming table.

GM: There are seven ogres surrounding you!

PC1: How could they surround us? I had mordakeinen's magical watchdog cast!

GM: It doesn't help.

PC1: Yes it does!

GM: No it doesn't!

PC1: Yes it does! With the new rules changes is 3.5, it does.

GM: Blimey, I didn't expect some kind of D&D rules revision!

CRASH! Crashing chord! Wizards of the Coast burst in, screeching.

Peter Adkinson: NOBODY expects the D&D rules revision! Our chief change is the ranger. And the druid. Our TWO chief changes are the ranger and the druid and the way magic spells work. Arg! Our three chief changes are the ranger, the druid, the way magic works and shiny new covers I'LL COME IN AGAIN!

WotC run out.

GM: Err...Blimey, I didn't expect some kind of D&D rules revision.

CRASH!

Peter: Noooooooooooobody expects the D&D rules revision! Amongst our chief changes are such diverse elements as the ranger, the druid, the way magic works and shiny new covers and feats from the classbooks and oh God. Cardinal Dancey, you'll have to do it.

Dancey: What?

Peter: You'll have to say "our chief changes are..."

Dancey: I couldn't do that.

Peter: Shut up! We'll come in again!

GM: I did not expect some kind of D&D rules revision.

CRASH!

Dancey: Ah! Ah. Nobody....

Peter: Expects...

Dancey: Yes, nobody expects the D&D rules revision. In fact, those who do expect it -

Peter: Our chief changes are....

Dancey: Ah, our chief changes are, um, the ranger and

Peter: STOP! That's it! Our chief change is the ranger!

Dancey: What about the druid?

Peter: Oh yes, and the druid.

Dancey: And -

Peter: SHUT UP! Now, we find your game lacking on three counts: lacking in dice, lacking in miniatures, lacking in stats and lacking in rules - four, FOUR counts. But you have one last chance! Reject the ways of dicelessness, renounce the works of - two, TWO last chances. You have two last chances. Reject the ways of dicelessness, renounce the works of AEG, return to the fold of 3.5- THREE last chances, you have THREE LAST CHANCES - and you shall go free. Now...how do you plead?

GM: We're innocent!

Peter: HA! Cardinal Monty! Fetch....the Mountain Dew!!!

CRASHING CHORD! I'll let you imagine the rest....

I wish to register a complaint! Hello, miss?

What do you mean 'miss'?

Sorry, I have a cold. I wish to register a complaint!

We're closing for lunch!

Never mind all that! I would like to complain about this here roleplaying game what I purchased less than half an hour ago from this very boutique.

Ah yes, uh, Vampire, the Masquerade. What's...what's wrong with it?

I'll tell you what's wrong with it, sonny. It's dead. That's what's wrong with it.

Nah, it's not dead, uh, it's just goffic.

Look matee, I know a dead RPG when I see one and I'm looking at one right now.

No, no it's not dead, it's goffic. Remarkable game, Vampire, beautiful artwork, eh?

The artwork don't enter into it! It's stone dead!

Nonononono, no, no it's goffic.

I see. Well, if its gothic I'll put on some Cradle of Filth then. COME ON MR VAMPIRE! I'VE GOT SOME MASCARA AND AN ANKH FOR YOU!

See! It moved!

That was you writing "Clan: Angsty" on the cover of an Exalted book.

I never!

Yes you did!

No!

HELLO MR VAMPIRE! HAVE YOU GOT ANOTHER SUPPLEMENT COMING OUT???

(the game line does nothing but cycle into the Time of Judgement, then vanish up its own posterior)

Now that's what I call a dead game.

No, no, it's in transition.

TRANSITION?

Yeah, when it appeared to die then, it just went into a sleep, and will soon be reborn. Vampires are known to go into cycles of death and rebirth.

Now listen, sonny. I've had about enough of this. When I purchased this game not half an hour ago, you assured me that the lack of sourcebooks was due to the game designers feeling "really depressed this week, so they couldn't get their act together".

Well, no, see, it's ah, uh, probably reinventing the genre.

REINVENTING THE GENRE? REINVENTING THE GENRE? WHAT KIND OF TALK IS THAT? Listen, why did it kill my gaming group as soon as I got it home?

Oh, Vampire prefers dead gaming groups. Very goffic. Lovely game, beautiful artwork.

I took the liberty of researching this game when I got it home, and I discovered the only reason it was still being talked about was because of Internet Hype.

Oh..oh, oh, of course, yeah. I mean, if there wasn't Internet Hype, then this game, this game wouldn't be geeky any more. It would have taken off like Trivial Pursuit! Voom!

VOOM? Mate, this game wouldn't voom if you made aTV series out of it. It's bleedin' demised!

No, no, it's reinventing!

It's not reinventing, it's dead. It has ceased to be. The line has been cancelled. The distributors are no longer filling orders. The website has closed down. It has hit minus ten hit points. It failed its Saving Throw. It rolled a critical fumble! It ran into a dragon while on first level! It encountered a deck of many things! IT DATED THE GMs EX-GIRLFRIEND! If it wasn't propped up by internet hype it would be the next Synnibar! It's run down the curtain and joined the GAMA HALL OF FAME! THIS IS AN EX-RPG!

I suppose I'd better replace it then. (pause) Ah, sorry, we're fresh out of Vampire.

I see. I see. I get the picture.

I got a copy of Trinity though.

Is it alive?

Well, ish. PDFs and such.

Right, I'll take that then.

A convention hall. Roleplayers bustle about, telling people about their characters. Mr. Praline enters the hall, and heads straight for the table marked 'GURPS'.)
Praline Excuse me, I would like to play GURPS, please. (the man behind the table points to next table; to camera) The man's sign must be wrong. I have in the past noticed a marked discrepancy between these Demo Games signs and the activities carried on beneath. But soft, let us see how Dame Fortune smiles upon my next convention adventure! (he goes to next table) Hello, I would like to play this character, please.

Man: You what?
Praline: My GURPS character, Eric.
Man: How did you know my name was Eric?
Praline: No no no, my character's name is Eric, Eric the Dwarf. 'E's got a katana.
Man: A what?
Praline: He wields a katana.
Man: You've brought your own character, and he wields a katana?
Praline: Yes. I made him a 2000 point character. I didn't like the others, they were all too mortal.
Man: You must be a munchkin.
Praline: I am not a munchkin! Why should I be tied with the epithet munchkin merely because I have a katana? I've heard tell that John Tynes has a Dai-Klave and you wouldn't call him a munchkin; furthermore, Rebecca Borgstrom, the lady writer, had a abhorrent blade, called Atrocity, Gary Gygax has two classes, both specializing in katana, and J.R. Blackburn had a one-handed broadsword! So, if you're calling the author of 'HackMaster' a munchkin, I shall have to ask you to step outside!

Man: All right, all right, all right. You made a 2000 point character?
Praline: Yes.
Man: With a katana.
Praline: Yes.
Man: You are a munchkin.

Praline: Look, it's all point balanced, isn't it? I had the 'looks cool in a trenchcoat' advantage with my Elven ranger Eric, and I've got the 'gets to reroll all dice' advantage for my Dwarf character Eric...
Man: You don't need an advantage to roll dice.
Praline: I bleeding well do and I've got it. Ho, ho, you're not going diceless on me here.
Man There's no such thing as a 'gets to reroll all dice' advantage.
Praline: Yes there is!
Man: No there isn't!
Praline: Is!
Man: Isn't!
Praline: Is!
Man: Isn't!
Praline: Is!
Man: Isn't!
Praline: Is!
Man: Isn't!
Praline: Is!
Man: Isn't!
Praline: Is!
Man: Isn't!
Praline: What's that then?
Man: This is a character sheet with the word 'background' crossed out and 'gets to reroll dice' written in in crayon.

Praline: The book didn't have the proper character sheet.
Man: What book?
Praline: The GURPS book.
Man: Munchkin D20, you mean.
Praline: It's people like you what cause unrest.
Man: All right, what GURPS book?
Praline: The GURPS Basique Set.
Man: Basique?
Praline: It was spelt like that on the cover. It's the ultra rare 3rd edition misprint! I never seen so many bleeding typos. The folks on E-bay said, that the immor(t)al disadvantage (10 pts) was just the tip of the iceberg.
Man: How much did you pay for this?
Praline: Sixty quid, and eight guineas for the splat book.
Man: What splat book?
Praline: Malkavian. In V:TM, I play a 3000 year old Malk called Eric.
Man: Are all your characters called Eric?
Praline: There's nothing so odd about that: Gary Gygax had an entire line of products all called Lejendary!
Man: No he didn't!
Praline: (takes book from pocket) He did, he did, he did, he did and did. There you are. 'Gary Gygax, the ones that got away' by E. W. Swanton with a foreword by Paul Anka, page 91, please.
Man: (referring to page 91) I owe you an apology, sir.
Praline: Spoken like a gentleman, sir. Now, are you going to let me play this character?
Man: I promise you that I have a whole set of pregens. You don't need one.
Praline: Then I would like a statement to that effect signed by Steve Jackson.