NationStates Jolt Archive

* Get a LOT of explosives. The more the better.

* Hook up a detonator to an altimeter. Set it for 100-200 feet. That will give you good dispersion.

* Mix Vaseline and gasoline in a bucket.

* Find a really tall building. Something like the Sears Tower is perfect and is in a sufficiently crowded area to generate the proper sized crowd.

* Get an extra large trench coat, ski mask, duct tape and a lighter.

* Bring your materials to the top of your building. Liberally apply the Vaseline-gasoline mixture to your entire body. Duct tape the explosives around your legs, arms, head and torso. The more you use the better. {You cannot overdo this!} Attach the altimeter to the explosives.

* Put on the trench coat and mask so that the explosives are not visible.

* Start ranting and throwing things so that you are sure to attract notice. Drag this part out as long as possible. Say anything that comes to mind but try to stay away from real problems. Your love life DOES NOT make for a good sound bite. Ask for news cameras from the major networks. Pace around a lot while waving your arms.

* DO NOT let on that you have explosives on your body. The police will clear the area and you definitely don't want that.

* When you've gotten the crowd to a fevered pitch, when the helicopters are hovering like vultures, whip off the jacket and set yourself on fire.

* Wait until you are completely engulfed in flame then jump.

* Try to steer yourself towards the crowd. That way flaming falling body parts will pelt the fleeing onlookers when you explode at 100 ft.

* Congratulations! You've just made history!!! :shock: :shock: :P

Lol, I've read about that.

Sounds fun.

:lol: :lol: :lol:

:lol:

Doctor Murdock #1
1:03 pm Sun Feb 12, 1989

Ok, here it is in a nutshell....

1. Fast Car = Dodge Daytona or 427 AC Cobra.
2. Leather = Nice smelling Black Leather jacket. Brand New.
3. Rock & Roll = Rock 'N Roll! AC-DC Highway To Hell or
Led Zeppelin "Communication Breakdown"
4. Drugs = Shrooms, Acid, some kind of Hallucinagenic drug.
5. Sex = Any girl of your dreams on the noted drug above.
(My personal choice would be Samantha Fox or Laruie from my Psych class.
Sitting in my lap while I drive, eh hoser?)
6. Fire & Death = The object here is to get as much speed and
velocity as possible so your car could actually puncture a Chevron Oil Tank.

Instructions : Now once you've gathered these few items (actually NOT that
hard...at all.). You then prepare...Put on your leather jacket. Get in your
car of choice (shown above, forget the seatbelt, eh?). Put in the AC/DC tape
and crank it up to the point that the woofers are almost ripping apart from
the bass. And your ears are starting to trickle drops of blood. Take several
hits/lines/tabs/peices of your chosen drug, wait a few for it to take a nice
effect. By this time your girl should have been ready (women, eh?). So have
her get in the car...I'll leave the sexual position up to you. So get in that
position. Now comes the interesting part. I assumed that you've had your route
all planned by now...into some Oil Tank. Ok, start driving/having sex (same
time) and you will begin to pick up speed/orgasm. Is the music cutting through
your skull, slowly but surely? Good. Now you see the Tank in sight. Your up to
112mph. Your girl is screaming as she comes to another orgasm. The Tank is
getting closer by the second! "HIGHWAY TO HELL!!!!!!!!!!" Screams through
your speakers, through your ears and eats away at your brain!!!! 212 miles per
hour!!! The Tank is almost here!!! You see a green 747 fly through your
girlfriends head (drugs do that eh?). 245 (only in the Daytona can this speed
be possible). The Tank is here.....

Conclusion : You hit the tank at such a velocity that you make it about
half way into the tank before it explodes. So your right in the middle of a
huge flaming inferno. You and your girl come/cum at the same time. The radio
goes, "Hiiiiiighway to He......."...cut off by explosion. At this point you
are dead. But your still wondering if your alive (drugs again). I can't tell
you what happens next....because I've never died. I hope this help you. This
should make "DEATH" alot easier to handle if you think of dying in this way.
We've hope you enjoyed this.

Written and Composed by,

SIR DEATH & DOCTOR MURDOCK


X-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-X

Definition of a cynic:

An idealist whose rose-colored glasses have been removed, snapped in two, and stomped into the ground, immediatley improving his vision.

H.L. Mencken quotes:

Nature abhors a moron.

Jury - A group of 12 people, who, having lied to the judge about their health, hearing, and business engagements, have failed to fool him.

A man's women folk, whatever their outward show of respect for his merit and authority, always regard him secretly as an ass, and with something akin to pity. His most gaudy sayings and doings seldom deceive them; they see the actual man within, and know him for a shallow and pathetic fellow. In this fact, perhaps, lies one of the best proofs of feminine intelligence, or, as the common phase makes it, feminine intuition.

Misogynist - A man who hates women as much as women hate one another.

The New Deal began, like the Salvation Army, by promising to save humanity. It ended, again like the Salvation Army, by running flop-houses and disturbing the peace.

Puritanism - The haunting fear that someone, somewhere may be happy.

I like the first idea better...MUCH better! Heh, wouldn't it be fun to attempt to jump to the next building in a burning mass?

Puritanism - The haunting fear that someone, somewhere may be happy.
:D I like Mencken!

Puritanism - The haunting fear that someone, somewhere may be happy.
:D I like Mencken!


ME TOO!! : :D http://www.io.com/~gibbonsb/mencken.html

Heh. good stuff there!

More Mencken!:

Archbishop - A Christian ecclesiastic of a rank superior to that attained by Christ.

Church - A place in which gentlemen who have never been to Heaven brag about it to people who will never get there.

Clergyman - A ticket speculator outside the gates of Heaven.

Conscience - The inner voice which warns us that someone is looking.

Experience - A series of failures. Every failure teaches a man something, to wit, that he will probably fail again.

Idealist - One who, on noticing that a rose smells better than a cabbage, concludes that it will also make better soup.

Immorality - The morality of those who are having a better time.

Morality - The theory that every human act must either be right or wrong, and that 99% of them are wrong.

Pastor - One employed by the wicked to prove to them by his example that virtue doesn't pay.

Platitude - An idea (a) that is admitted to be true by everyone,and (b) that is not true.

Sunday - A day given over by Americans to wishing that they themselves were dead and in Heaven, and that their neighbors were dead and in Hell. :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol:

Sunday School - A prison in which children do penance for the evil conscience of their parents.

I think the first way of dying is good if you have an incurable ailment.

Mencken's Creed:

I believe that religion, generally speaking, has been a curse to mankind - that its modest and greatly overestimated services on the ethical side have been more than overcome by the damage it has done to clear and honest thinking.

I believe that no discovery of fact, however trivial, can be wholly useless to the race, and that no trumpeting of falsehood, however virtuous in intent, can be anything but vicious.

I believe that all government is evil, in that all government must necessarily make war upon liberty...

I believe that the evidence for immortality is no better than the evidence of witches, and deserves no more respect.

I believe in the complete freedom of thought and speech...

I believe in the capacity of man to conquer his world, and to find out what it is made of, and how it is run.

I believe in the reality of progress.

I - But the whole thing, after all, may be put very simply. I believe that it is better to tell the truth than to lie. I believe that it is better to be free than to be a slave. And I believe that it is better to know than be ignorant.

http://www3.eboard.com/boards/17/2/62/oompa/att-789670/Mencken.bmp

Some of these sound like good ways to go also! :lol: :lol:

Bullet in Your Head
Difficulty level: 1

HAMMER a bullet into your skull. Make sure there is an empty gun nearby but do not fire it. Bash the bullet into your frontal lobe. It doesn't matter how you get it done it will perplex the authorities for years and you will, most assuredly, be a hot news topic. Hell, you want fame in death to rival the obscurity you had in life don't you?




Death by Hairball
Difficulty level: 3

Get a cat or a dog and brush it every day. Save the hair until you have a giant hairball. Plug up your nose then shove the hairball into your mouth.

Leave a cryptic note about how you believe little Fluffy or Rover was planning to kill you in your sleep.




Meat Grinder
Difficulty level: 11

Find a sausage making company that has a giant meat grinder. Set up a hidden video camera to tape your death. Leave a will with explicit instructions that it not be read until one year after the night of your grinding. In it, detail the way you died and the location of the hidden camera.

Sneak in at night naked and turn on the video camera. Climb into the grinder and take massive amounts of pills of your choice. Make sure it is enough to kill you.

In the morning you will be ground up and made into sausages. One year later your will will be read to the news media and people all around the nation will vomit simultaneously.




Drown in Your Own Urine
Difficulty level: 8

Get a huge vat or possibly an above ground pool. Save all your urine. Drown yourself in it. Put a note on the side of the pool saying, "MY URINE."

This method would work for any body fluid: vomit, snot, dooty. For you despondent guys out there: A vat of your own sperm would be truly impressive. You would have to work frantically for years, but what else have you got to do? Pop into alt.binaries.erotica and get crackin'.




Chop Your Own Head Off While Standing Next to a Major World Leader.

* Ingratiate yourself with your chosen mark. Get his/her/its confidence.

* Become a trusted member of the inner circle.

* Sew a hand ax into a coat or jacket so that it is easily removable but not particularly visible.

* Make a statement. Video tape is preferable because the TV news shows love visuals. The more visual material they have the better. The next best thing would be audio tape. It won't hold an audience as well but at least it can be played under the video of your death. Never write a letter. No one reads anymore. No one will care. Make sure your message will be easily found on your corpse.

* On the day of a major rally, with hundreds or thousands of attendees and lots of television cameras, wear the coat with the hand ax attached.
Send backup copies of your message to as many news outlets as you can on the appointed day.

* Stand in the background as you remove the ax from the coat. When you are finished move slowly toward your dignitary.

* As the event reaches its climax, whip out the ax and lop off your own head. If possible try to run around like a chicken. Make sure to get as much blood on the famous person as possible. Aim well. That will be the image that gets the news coverage and the sour faces from Katie Couric.

* Bask in your glorious death. You've made the supreme sacrifice to save the world and have ended the torment that was your existence.

:lol: :lol: :lol: LIFE IS SHIT!!! I'm going to bed....... :cry: :cry: :cry:

This is so pointless yet amusing.

SON OF A BITCH!!!!!!! I'm still alive! Thought I'd die in my sleep............... Shit!!!