NationStates Jolt Archive

Department of State
The Federal Republic of OmigodtheykilledkennyWe commend the United Nations on the passage of the UN Counterterrorism Initiative. As many of you are well-aware, this delegation’s promised return to this body was conditional upon the passage of substantial anti-terrorism legislation by the General Assembly. We strongly feel that Resolution #168 more than meets our standards for translating the fight against global terror networks into a matter of international law, and consequently President Fernanda has ordered the Kenny UN Mission transferred back to Paradise City at the earliest possible date. This of course means that as a UN member the Federal Republic is obligated to come into compliance with all applicable international law, and we assure the Compliance Ministry Gestapo that our nation’s laws will be altered to that effect – although (lest you forget the nation with which you are dealing here), much of our “compliance” with UN mandates will be purely technical.

As you can imagine, this comes as welcome news for our Creative Solutions Agency officers, many of whom, due to a terribly light office workload over the past five months, have had to apply for welfare (which is pretty pointless, since our nation has none) or take second jobs as camp counselors, driving-school instructors and phone-sex operators at local CPESL franchises (“Oh, baby! You got me so hot! You’re making the loopholes in my operative clauses quiver! Exploit those loopholes, baby! Yes! Exploit them! Yes! A little more! Yes! Right there, baby! Yes! Yes!!” ... and so forth). Er, anyway, all CSA officials are to report back to work this week.

Which brings me to another important announcement; specifically, regarding delegation staff: Jack Riley’s reign of terror is over. Some of you may have noticed that he has been mostly absent from drafting and floor debates for over a month now. Well, it’s hardly coincidental. He is forthwith stripped of his ambassadorial status, he is to be banned from UN Headquarters -- unless escorted by ever-watchful Stripper Commandos -- and we have petitioned Sovereign UN Territory to revoke his diplomatic immunity. No more will our national contingent be involved with catnappings, abductions of foreign envoys, off-the-wall harangues about Marvin the Martian and Elmer Fudd, drinking to the point of insanity, or cavorting with CPESL agents at all hours of the night when there’s important legislating to be done! The Federal Republic UN team will return to the business of crafting resolutions (and especially repeals), actually debating proposed law, bitching about national sovereignty, and good old-fashioned subversion of UN tyranny!

Leading the charge will be our new ambassador to the United Nations, Sammy Faisano, a recent graduate in international relations from Summit City Liberal College, an Army lieutenant, former employee of Vice President Antigone Morgan, faithful State Department diplomat, previously our ambassador-at-large, for the past month our acting ambassador to Gruenberg, and (his grandmother assures us) a good boy. Assisting Mr. Faisano will be our new deputy ambassador, Jessie McArthur, former Playboy Playmate™ and host of MTV-OMGTKK’s popular dating show “Who Wants to Get Laid?” McArthur will be on hand to sign centerfolds, pose for photographs with her fans, make faces at the camera, shout obnoxiously into the microphone, and make catty remarks about the other women ambassadors’ breasts.

As secretary of state, I will continue to speak for the Federal Republic on major resolutions (or “proposals,” or “unnumbered resolutions,” or who the fuck cares?) that come to vote before this body, and I pledge to you now I will do my best to keep the president on a shorter leash, and make sure he never wanders over from the Strangers’ Bar to give unauthorized, brutish rants in the General Assembly. Cmdr. Jenny Chiang, the mission’s security attaché, may also speak from time to time on matters of international security -- and will likely be questioning Amb. Holt about his alarming attack (http://forums.jolt.co.uk/showpost.php?p=11419637&postcount=188) on our president the other day. (Assaulting the president is a crime, you naughty boy!)

As for former Deputy Amb. George Brown, he has been promoted (and when we say “promoted,” we mean “demoted”) to director of communications, to which his primary duty will be sending out all those nifty telespams to UN Delegates (“Hey there, Delegate! Nice boobs! Now approve my proposal!”). This work will of course be essential to the mission as it seeks to reclaim more of a legislative role in these halls. Since being blessed during previous telegram campaigns with such delightful and enlightening missives from the UN’s powerbrokers such as: “Go fuck yourself,” “Fuck off, Hitler clone,” “Stop bothering me with your moronic proposals! It isn’t part of my job as delegate,” “You homofobe retard,” “Dolphin-hater,” “Goat-killer,” “Capitalist environment-raping scum,” it is clear to us that our engagement with the international community must include not only advancing the War on Terror (with proposals such as the one just passed*), but also a War on Delegates. We will not be satisfied, nay, we will not rest, until every single delegate in this organization has been annoyed. Now, I know what you’re all thinking. You’re thinking, “Let’s all invade Kenny’s region and endorse him so he becomes the delegate, then we can spam his brains out!” ... Yeah, we’re on to you, saboteur scum! We Kennyites aren’t all braindead lunatics, you know! And as soon as find one that isn’t we fully intend to place him in charge of our region’s counter-invasion policy.

Anyway, that’s it. It’s great to be back. We look forward to constructive, collaborative discussion to further our cause for reform blah blah blah forward-reaching dialogue blah blah blah interactive partnerships blah blah blah fluffy bastage.

May the blessings of our otters be upon you.

http://i10.photobucket.com/albums/a118/teddygrahams113/clip_image007.jpg
Mr. Faisano and Miss McArthurSincerely,
Alex Tehrani
Secretary of State

* Dare I mention, this is the fifth (http://s11.invisionfree.com/Antarctic_Oasis/index.php?showtopic=2) Antarctic Oasis Proposal™ to pass this body, and the sixth (http://forums.jolt.co.uk/showthread.php?t=489873) is on its way? Yay us!

May the blessings of our otters be upon you.

<cough> I think you'll find we've copyrighted that under the terms of the UN Copyright Convention. ;)

And greetings to Mr. Faisano and Ms McArthur.

May the blessings of our otters be upon you all.

Miles Dempsey
Chief Attorney General of the Republic of Compadria

We look forward to corrupting the new Kennyite delegate through the blessings of our CPESL servicewomen, as well as lewdly propositioning Miss McArthur as often as possible.

Respectfully,
Sheik Nadnerb bin Cluich
Cluichstani Ambassador to the UN

You know, I'd forgotten you had even left the UN...

As the Representative-Plenipotentiary of the Governor-General, may I welcome the new Kennyite representives/ambassador/thingy back to these halls.

Sir Cyril MacLehose-Strangways-Jones, III, KCRC, LOG

What? These Omigoddilygooddilykenny fellers are back? Why, spiffing my dear fellow, absolutely spiffing! Haven't heard such good news since the second battle of Fluff in Pingopongoland, when the enemy accidentally dropped their supplies over our starving soldiers. Of course, all but me were killed due to the fact that they were hit on the head by these supplies...

Field Marshal Sir Brian "Pointy" Blatherstock, idiot and bar

Oh yes! Yes! YES! Oh Manuelo!

Dame Elizabeth Cutler Newington, DCRC

You know, I'd forgotten you had even left the UN...It feels like he never left :p

You know, I'd forgotten you had even left the UN...

He just sorta almost kinda left. Nice to see him sorta almost kinda back, though. (I think.) ;)

Travilia T. Thwerdock
Ambassador (pro tem) to the United Nations

On behalf of Ariddia, I would like to welcome the Federal Republic back to the United Nations, and look forward to new encounters with the Kennyites'... refreshingly original approach to diplomacy.

The ambassador turns to her aide, Ms. Kim Min-Sun.

Lock the door to the office. And don't let the Kennyites get anywhere near you. They may be contagious.


Christelle Zyryanov,
Ambassador to the United Nations,
PDSRA

I go on vacation and this is what happens? Oh geez..

We are pleased to see this fine contributer back to this august body.

Theodore Locke
Secretary of State

But I like Jack Riley :(

- More of the transcript (http://forums.jolt.co.uk/showpost.php?p=11437420&postcount=271) of Amb. Faisano's Federal Senate confirmation hearing in Paradise City -

Sen. Hartwick: Now, Ambassador Faisano, I'd like to get into your five-point plan for promoting Kennyite interests at the United Nations, if that's OK with you ...

Amb. Faisano: Sure. Go right ahead, Senator.

Sen. Hartwick: Would you care to elaborate some more on these five points?

Amb. Faisano: Certainly, Senator. As I said previously, there are five main policy objectives to our reentry to the United Nations, which, in no particular order, are: 1) Advancing National Rights and Sovereignty; 2) Fucking over the Environment; 3) Dangerous International Military Buildups to Advance Kennyite Hegemony and Trigger Massive Global Instability; 4) Free Trade Agreements and Other Measures to Screw Over Poorer Nations; and 5) Harmless and Ineffective International Initiatives for Improved Global Cooperation.

Even though the Bad Old Days of Fluffy Dominance in the UN are gone, we will by no means be abandoning the sovereigntist movement. Federalists still seek to drive wedges into the sovereigntist camp with proposals like Individual Self-Determination and Clinical Abortion Rights, which only serve to protect wholly Western concepts of individual freedoms (or, dare I say it, "individual sovereignty"?). We will continue in our strife to block (yes, I said "block") the UN from emasculating member states and robbing them of their social and societal integrity. The Federal Republic has not supported a single human rights proposition in its entire history in the United Nations, and this won't change on my watch.

Secondly, the environment. We hate the environment. Out here in the Antarctic, we don't have much of one (and what little environment there was has already been wiped out). So what's point of protecting it? All those cute fluffy little trees and bunnies get in the way of the developers and corporations that bankroll this government, anyway. The United Nations may no longer be beset with idiot environmentalism like Promotion of Solar Panels or Fossil Fuel Reduction Act (which we'd still like to repeal), but we must keep a watchful eye on whatever new green legislation springs forth (funny pun, huh?). To my mind, the Federal Republic has supported just one environmental resolution in its history, UNCoESB, and that was mostly a "you-scratch-my-back-I-scratch-yours" thing we had going with VL. I don't see my UN team supporting future environmental covenants for any other reason, save bribery, extortion, corruption, or whatever other unspeakably evil motivation you have.

Next, international security. Insane disarmament is a fad whose time in the UN has passed; however, existing disarmament treaties must go. This includes the bans on bioweapons and landmines, and the prevention of a new chemical-arms ban by any means necessary. We have a remedy in mind. ... Also, trade. The fluffy fucking morons in the halls of the UN are the most gullible retards you'll ever want to meet, and it sure is easy (and fun) to fool them into supporting free trade; all you have to do is write a bunch of sentimental bullshit about empowering the poor and helping people achieve economic self-reliance, then slip in a clause forcing member states to remove all protectionist barriers. Our nation's fondness for this brand of mischief is partly why the Federal Republic enjoys such a productive (and profitable) relationship with nations like Gruenberg.

Lastly, international cooperation. We will continue to support proposals with a genuine international purpose like the Microcredit Bazaar, Meterological Cooperation and Diplomatic Immunity. These sort of bills infringe little upon sovereignty, and it really doesn't hurt to promote improved relations between member states. Better relations with, and subsequent increased knowledge of, outside nations will only make it easier for us to invade them, should the need arise.

In short, Senator, neuter the UN. Thank you.

Sen. Hartwick: I think I just pissed my pants, Ambassador. That was terrifying.

[Laughter.]

Sen. Hartwick: ... Yet I'm surprised. There was nothing in there about shooting the gnomes.

Amb. Faisano: An Army man myself, Senator, I find napalm to be far more effective.

[Laughter.]

Sen. Hartwick: You mentioned Gruenberg ...

Amb. Faisano: Yes, sir ...

Sen. Hartwick: ... since they are now our Regional UN Delegate, have you discussed incorporating these policies into a regionwide UN manifesto?

Amb. Faisano: No, sir. And there may not be the need. Our "new" policies sound exactly like our old ones, and are almost identical to theirs. Gruenberg has been reliably supportive of our work in the past. But it might be nice for our region to have something on paper.

Sen. Hartwick: You have been accused of being a State Department puppet for this gig. Any truth to that? When you cast the nation's vote, who will be holding the strings?

Amb. Faisano: I'm glad you asked that question, Senator, and I can tell you that Sec. Tehrani has told me personally that neither he nor the State Department will be micromanaging the UN mission. I will have the authority to cast the nation's vote on most matters, and the administration will be meddling very little. But still a little.

[The deputy ambassador appears at the entrance to the committee chamber.]

Amb. McArthur: Whoooooooo!!!!!

[She turns on a boombox she's holding and starts dancing down the aisle to Christina Aguilera's "Ain't No Other Man," while making weird faces for the camera, the boombox in one hand, a handheld mike in the other. She reaches the ambassador's table, sets down the boombox, and slaps her superior on the back of the head.]

Amb. Faisano: What are you doing here, Jess?

Amb. McArthur: I'm here to light a fire under this hearing, baby! Whooooo!!!! What's up, Senators??

Sen. Hartwick: Ambassador, who is this delightful young woman?

Amb. Faisano: This is Jessie McArthur, sir. She has been assigned as my deputy.

Sen. Hartwick: Wonderful!

Sen. Chloe Blanco: Mr. Chairman, I object to Amb. McArthur's presence at today's hearing. She's not required to go through the confirmation process, and her giant breasts are clearly a distraction for all of you--

Amb. McArthur: Outta my way, Grandma!! [pushes the senator off her chair] I'm asking the questions now! Now, Sammy. Let's play Fuck, Marry, Kill. OK. Lydia Cornwall, Lata Chaka-Khan-dra, and Mrs. A Lane. Between the three of them, who would you kill, who would you fuck, and who would you marry?

Amb. Faisano: Uhh, Senator, I really don't think it's appropriate ...

Sen. Hartwick: You're out of order, Ambassador! Answer the question.

Amb. Faisano: Uhh, I guess I'd marry Lydia (though I'd have to get in line (http://forums.jolt.co.uk/showpost.php?p=11331775&postcount=3917)), I'd fuck Lata, and I'd kill Mrs. Lane. I can't stand that bitch.

Amb. McArthur: Whooo!! Iceman!! OK, now, an easy question. Boxers or briefs?

Amb. Faisano: Uhh, I mostly wear boxers ...

Amb. McArthur: You lie!! LIAR!! I know you're lying!! I got the proof!! [produces Polaroids] Your friends took pictures of you in college, when you lost a poker game, and you had to run around the dorm in nothing but your tighty-whities!! Whooo!!! Tighty-whities!!!

Amb. Faisano: [jumps out of his chair] Hey! Gimme those!

Amb. McArthur: You stay back, Sammy, or you can kiss that confirmation goodbye!!

Amb. Faisano: Senator?!

Sen. Hartwick: Fantastic woman! Why isn't she our ambassador?

Amb. McArthur: Now, Sammy, my last question: Who wants to lick whipped cream off me?!

[She leaps from her chair, produces a can of whipped cream, and proceeds to bathe her bountiful cleavage.]

Now, I'll just lay down here-- Whoa! [slips and falls]

Sen. Hartwick: [pulling out money] I'll go first, Deputy Ambassador ... Deputy Ambassador?

*snip*

Tommo the Stout sits reclined in his lazy boy-esque office chair on the 34th floor, flipping through channels. He passes through a selection of news channels, perturbed.

Talking head, talking head, barbie, talking head, talking head.... Something's missing....

He flips back a few more times.

Where the hell is BBCNN?

He has a closer look at the bouncing, under-sedated, teenie-bopper and recognizes the background as the Senate Chamber for OMGTKK, and then the BBCNN logo in the bottom, left-hand corner of the screen.

Awww, shit...

Even though the Bad Old Days of Fluffy Dominance in the UN are gone

Oh-ho, don't be so sure. We'll make a come-back some time, when you least expect it...;)

Oh-ho, don't be so sure. We'll make a come-back some time, when you least expect it...;)

That's why we keep plenty of guns in our broom closet on the fifth floor. :p

Riley stumbled into the secretary's office, battered and his clothes torn, his face decorated with scratches.

"Ah. Riley. Glad you could come," Tehrani opened. "Have a seat."

Riley grabbed the chair and nearly collapsed into the floor trying to lower himself into it.

"OK, Alex, this has all been very funny," he laughed weakly. "'Firing' me; 'announcing' some punk kid to replace me; setting me up as a patsy on corruption charges. But I think this has gone far enough. May I have my credentials back, please? There's a serious vote on the GA floor right now, and we need to cast our vote. We're back in the United Nations, you know."

Tehrani regarded him impatiently. "The Federal Republic is back in the United Nations; the Federal Republic will be casting a vote on the current resolution. However, you will not. I was dead serious when I made that announcement to the General Assembly. You are out."

"But why?"

"Why?" Tehrani snorted. "Why?! Are you fucking kidding me? 'Why?' Haven't you noticed all the Arrogant Bastard Ale bottles littering your office? The countless unpaid CPESL invoices stamped 'PAST DUE'? The overly large gentlemen with brass knuckles waiting outside your door 24/7? The fact that you are now conducting business from a stall in the men's room so you can avoid them? The false-imprisonment lawsuit filed by the Nuncio's family? The impending magical vengeance sure to rain down upon our nation for your catnapping Bast?" He snorted again. "Why ..."

"I got the Gay Rights repeal passed ..." Riley offered.

"Pffffttt. A Gay Rights repeal won't pay for all the damages, will it? Just look at this bill from the UN gnomes!" Tehrani tossed a document across his desk. "1,500 UN credits just to replace a bathtub you defiled! Disgusting! 45,000 credits to patch up the walls after those scuffles you had with angry pimps demanding their money! I'm shocked you still have all your limbs intact!"

"Minus one toe," Riley corrected him.

"I don't care how many toes you still have! Frankly, I'm regretting not recalling you from UNHQ the minute we pulled out of the UN! The Federal Senate would never confirm you after all the embarrassment you've caused the Federal Republic! That is it, Jack. You're out. You're going to train Sammy to take over your job, then you're gone. It's over."

Riley was dumbfounded. "What am I supposed to do now?" he asked.

"Oh, don't worry yourself over that, Jack. We're sending you to a happy place!"

"'A happy place'?" Riley repeated fearfully.

"Yes, Jack. A happy place! A nice place where you can get some rest. Where no one will ever bother you. A place that'll make you aaaaall better!"

"You can't commit me!" whimpered the terrified ambassador. "I'll be good! I promise! Haven't I done a lot of good things for the nation? Please, Alex! Don't send me away!"

"Oh, calm down, Jack. We're not sending you to the looney bin. We're making you ambassador to The Eternal Kawaii!"

Sir, I have already had the pleasure of noting your return in the #7 repeal thread, and I can say without reservation or purpose of evasion that at least your abuse is funny.

Welcome back to the Kennyites and wecome to their new delegation.

And lament the absence of Arrogant Bastard Ale from the GA fridge. That stuff rocks.

m. Benjamin Royce
Assisant to the Magister and Delegate Proxy
Intangelon

"Oh, calm down, Jack. We're not sending you to the looney bin. We're making you ambassador to The Eternal Kawaii!"

OOC: Thanks. I just spit tea all over my monitor. :p

Attn. of Ambassador Riley,

We are glad your holiday with Bast did not prove too heartbreaking on either side when it came to parting. We are heartened to hear of your new appointment and send a crate of Randomean smashing plates, each patterned with a smashing option from 'chuck me' to 'juggle me' to 'break me over someone's head'. I hope we will hear from your antics in Kwaii.

Ms. Hodgelett Tirith, Randomean UN Ambassador.

Senate confirms Faisano as ambassador to the UN

PARADISE CITY (Town Crier) -- The Federal Senate confirmed State Department official Sammy Faisano as ambassador to the United Nations on Saturday, following a bloody brawl in the Senate chamber and an aborted filibuster threat.

"Amb. Faisano's confirmation today is not only a victory for the Fernanda Administration; it is a victory for the Federal Republic," said secretary of state Alex Tehrani minutes after the vote was announced. "It is an affirmation of the Federal Republic as a voice for national sovereignty, common sense and internationalism in the United Nations."

"Aw, fuck off," sniped Sen. Chastity Bonerlover, L-Xt'Kalifia, a chief Faisano opponent.

The Senate passed the resolution confirming Fernanda's appointment of Faisano on a 17-8 vote, with several Liberal-controlled state delegations switching their vote at the last minute.

The filibuster-proof majority was seen as impossible just hours before, when 93-year-old Senate veteran Bob Armstrong, L-Palmer Land, who, while refusing to commit to a filibuster, nonetheless spoke (http://forums.jolt.co.uk/showpost.php?p=11452451&postcount=8) on the Senate floor for 12 hours straight, threatening to pull one.

All hope for compromise on the Faisano nod seemed lost when the very elderly Armstrong, while reading the romance novel Love, Passion and Syphilis into the Senate record, suddenly dropped over and died.

Since Armstrong held substantial influence over several Liberal state delegations, his yielding the floor killed any chance of a filibuster and opened the nomination to an immediate brawl-- er, "limited debate," nothing at all like a brawl.

"Let the brawl begin!" declared Senate President Antigone Morgan, before rushing from the chamber, worried that flying projectiles might damage her beautiful face, or make her break a nail.

Liberals rejected Faisano as an extremist and unexperienced.

"This nomination sends the wrong message to the international community, and only confirms plainly false presumptions about the Federal Republic as anti-internationalist, anti-human rights, erratic, extremist, warmongering, boorish and violent," said Liberal Sen. Spence Dayton, right before a Conservative rival smashed a chair over his head.

"Appointing Faisano sends a big 'F-YOU!' to the United Nations!" intoned Conservative Sen. Jackson Lee. "How could we not confirm him?!"

The non-brawl continued for two hours as gangs of senators hooted, hollered, drunkenly hurled beer bottles and whiskey jugs at one another, and fired sawed-off shotguns into the air. Ensuing fistfights, kickboxing matches and assorted noggies seriously injured six.

Outside Senate headquarters, however, the streets were strangely silent. "Who knew that simply paying off Paradise City's rent-a-rioters would convince them not to wreak havok on the city?" said a victorious Deputy Police Chief Greg Jorgensen, while nursing a bottle of Captain Morgan. "Beats the shit out of me."

Faisano himself had little to say about the victory, except to weep over how his "fucking retard" sister had run over his "totally awesome" new car with a bulldozer. On an unrelated note, Faisano's sister Crystal has been exiled to Ceorana as an envoy to that country.

The president is said to be more concerned over the appointment of Faisano's deputy, former Playboy Playmate Jessie McArthur, who Frowning Street said visited Fernanda last night for a "friendly, completely platonic chat" until 3 in the morning.

"...and this is the office of the procurement division established under Resolution #32..." droned the UNBM-appointed tour guide, any hint of intonation or interest as absent from his voice as it had been for the past seven hours.

"Oh come on," whined Princess Jianna, slumping against the doorframe whilst tapping absently at her cellphone. A gnome bearing a set of invoices for a Frisbeeterian pharmaceutical firm scurried past. "We've seen this already, like twice. We've seen, like, five thousand offices anyway - just another place to put staplers, nuh?"

"Oh, actually..."

"Yes, you showed me the room full of just staplers."

"Oh."

"And the empty room. And the nearly empty room. And the not-very-empty-really room. We've been round and round this place, like, ten million bazillion times." She paused to giggle at a new text message. "And anyway, so yeah, I am soooo bored."

"The tour is nearly over," sighed the guide. The Sub-Vizier's bribe had been acceptably large, and his threats unacceptably eye-watering, but he wasn't putting up with this shit a second longer. "There are only two rooms you haven't seen yet. The raw sewage treatment pump room - "

"Like, ew."

"- and the Strangers' Bar."

Jianna looked up from her phone, eyes lighting up. "Oh yay. Let's go there."

"Highness, I must insist," said Iffne Hevan, her nominal attendant. He stepped into her path. "I am under strictest orders..."

She rolled her eyes. "Oh look, an unfinished Sudoku," she waved vaguely down the corridor. He scuttled off, sniffing avidly as he fumbled for his pencil set.

* * * * *

Pyandran, Lennto and Jiffjeff sat around their table, pushing idly at their drinks. How it had come down to be "the Gruenberg" table was a memory lost in the mists of time - although it had only happened a few months ago, no one wanted to remember. Suffice it to say, Bausch had marked his territory in the most emphatic manner possible, and since then, no other delegations had seemed terribly keen on taking over the table. McXiminez was at his usual spot, repeatedly 'accidentally' toppling from his stool into the Thessadorian Ambassador.

"Hey, any of you want another drink?"

Pyandran looked backward over his shoulder. "Sure, you can buy me whatever you...oh fucksicles." He leapt up, coughing out his cigar. Lennto lurched upwards more slowly; Jiffjeff was already smartly at attention.

"Highness, this is most unexpected."

"Yeah, well the tour was getting pretty dull. Besides, I'm an Ambassador - I have every right to be here. Now, another round?"

"Of course, Highness. However, the Sub-Vizier did instruct us..."

"Well, the Sub-Vizier can go fuck himself. Now, I'm buying you all a fucking drink, ok?" she snapped.

"...ok," Pyandran gave in meekly, although he later asked himself quite why being bought a drink was so painful. "Ask Neville for the same again."

They sat about, making somewhat stiff conversation for a while, a second round easing things somewhat.

"Who was the woman shrieking and everything when we came in?"

"Hmm? Oh, Deputy Ambassador MacArthur. From the Federal Republic of Omigodtheykilledkenny," answered Pyandran, sipping reflectively. "Cracking set," he added.

Oh, bollocks.

"Uh..cracking set of credentials. Very impressive. Her credentials, I mean."

Jianna shook off a quizzical smile. "I didn't read anything about her...I thought it was Mr Brown? He sounds like fun."

"Well, I'd rather have fun with Miss MacArthur than Mr Brown, if you - buggrit - er...yeah, he was fun. Not that Miss MacArthur isn't. Not that she is. Not that I'd know."

"Shut up."

"Yes, Highness."

"Well, what's she doing here?"

"Not a lot. She's passed out."

"I mean..."

"Well, Mr Brown has been 'promoted' to some job in communications."

"Ooh, that's my major! Communications is, like, so cool."

"Yes...anyway, he's out in the cold. And Miss MacArthur's his replacement."

"So is Mr Riley gone too?" She pouted. "He seemed cool."

"Unfortunately yes. Sammy Faisano - their last Ambassador to us - is the new guy."

"Who is he?"

"Absolutely no idea. We're told he's just a State Department hack - though in truth I think he'll be good. He seems to have Riley's politics, but a bit more common sense in him. MacArthur's probably just there as eye-candy - you know, blonde bimbo thing."

"I'm blonde."

"Um, fuck. I mean, fuh-get about that, I wasn't talking about you, obviously, Highness. After all...you have actual talents. Like your...degree in communications."

She made the 'whatever' sign on her head.

"See!? The international language."

To: Ambassador Faisano
Subject: Congratulations

Excellency,

Congratulations on your confirmation by the Senate, and we look forward to working with you during your time here at the UN. Though we are always sad to see a staunch ally leave, we in many ways will not miss Ambassador Riley, as we know he has found a worthy successor in you. Also, he was getting kinda freaky at the end. Nonetheless, we ask you to convey our regards to him in his new post in The Eternal Kawaii.

~The UN Staff
Gruenberger Office of UN Affairs

P.S. 30??? That's, like, old enough to be my granny.

P.S. 30??? That's, like, old enough to be my granny.

I so hate you right now. :p

*snip*OOC: Replied at the Strangers' Bar: http://forums.jolt.co.uk/showpost.php?p=11479424&postcount=3994

No obligation to respond, however.

OOC: Will reply tomorrow.

That's why we keep plenty of guns in our broom closet on the fifth floor. :p

Broom Closet??? Hell, I carry my Colt 1911A with me at all times. Nothing beats a boring debate, than field stripping the pistol, while drinking Rare Breed(TM), and humming the Marine Corps Hymn...Unless of course the Thessadorian Ambassador is attendingthe debate, wearing a tight sweater
Excelsior,
Sen. Horatio Sulla

HIH Jhessan Spaulding arrives at the UN Halls, with her bodygard Major Gunns, and delivers the following message...

From The Imperial Palace, of The Evil Conservative Empire of the Palentine

On behalf of my Father the Emperor, and the People of the Palentine, we give our warmest regards and wishes to the new Kennyite Delegation. Sen. Sulla has assured me that he looks forward to working with Amb. Faisano(and especially Deputy Amb. McArthur). We are sending over a housewarming gift of Iron City, and Klondikes to the Ambassador's office. We also give our warmest regards to Former Ambassador Riley. He has given my Father Emperor Captain Spaulding I, Lord Julius, and Sen. Horatio Sulla many hours of mirth. In honor of his services to this august body we are giving him a few cases of Wild Turkey Rare Breed(TM), to take with him to Kawaii(it will be labled as snakebite remedy, so it's medicinal ,and will go through customs easily)
Excelsior,
HIH Jhessan Spaulding

On behalf of myself and Deputy Amb. McArthur, I thank the Evil Conservative Empire for its warm welcome. The Federal Republic is pleased to witness the return of the empire's representatives to this Assembly -- and I am personally delighted to see Her Imperial Highness haunting these halls. Yeow!

Sammy Faisano
Ambassador to the United Nations

Broadcast from Amb. Strict's old public-access television studio in Sanrio City:

Heidy-ho! Jack Riley here -- Lord Emperor of The Eternal Kawaii! Yes, the Federal Republic has finally liberated these crazy kooks from their former oppressors and made me viceroy! Bow before me, you miserable Kawaiian nutjobs; cower before your supreme dictator! AHAHAHA!!! ... Er, of course, no Kawaiian will ever see this, because the state-owned networks have deemed this broadcast "obscene" and refuse to carry it -- not to mention the fact that the Federal Republic only calls me "ambassador" and won't let me out of this embassy compound without supervision, and Kawaiian Happiness Police escort me wherever I go, to assure I don't violate local customs. Although, they may just want to protect me. Yes! That's it! They want to protect their new ruler from harm! And this:

[Holds up bottle of Wild Turkey Rare Breed]

... is a symbol of my triumph!

[Starts chugging the bottle, as Stripper Commandos approach him and angrily taser him in the crotch.]

OH!!

[He drops the bottle and they taser him again while one of them presents a ballgag and straightjacket.]

[weakly:] Whoa! You know just what I like, baby!

[Falls to the floor.]

"Who?" The purple-clad figure asked calmly.

The HOCEK Nuncio to the NSUN figited as he stood before the assembled 6th degree otaku, his superiors in the Conclave of friendship. He was not a happy man. Bad enough that he had be recalled "for consultations" without explanation, but to find out the reasons for his recall...

"Jack Riley, your graces. My one-time Kennyite counterpart at the NSUN."

"And why have the Kennyite heathens offered to send this man to us? Did we not break off diplomatic relations with them?" another of the Conclave Ministers asked.

"Well," stammered the Nuncio, "technically, no. Our Nunciate in Omigodtheykilledkenny was attacked by a Kennyite mob, but there was never a formal notice declaring our Nuncio persona non grata. And the terms of our peace treaty with them included reopening the Nuniciate. We are obligated to receive a Kennyite ambassador in exchange."

Please don't ask about the peace treaty please don't ask about the peace treaty please don't ask about the peace treaty the Nuncio thought desparately to himself.

The truth was, the Nuncio and Riley had settled the war between their respective countries through the oldest of political tools: corruption and bribery. OMGTKK was obligated to pay a king's ransom in reparations, ostensibly "as a gesture of good will to the Sanrio kittens who had been seriously grieved by the hostilities". (That the Sanrio kittens themselves had done the bulk of the damage to the HOCEK's cities before the war started was conveniently ignored.) However, responsibility for disbursing that largesse was conveniently put in the NSUN Nuncio's hands. And if a small part of that largesse was to be unaccounted for, who would notice? And if a small part of that small part found its way into the pockets of one Jack Riley at the gaming tables of the Eternal Kawaii, who would mind?

"The former Kennyite ambassador was satisfied with the recording studio we provided her," the first Minister continued. "Will this one levy any similar... ideosyncratic... requests?"

"I don't expect so, your graces. Riley's not exactly the most stable of individuals, but he doesn't have a higher calling. If we keep him occupied, he should be harmless."

"I see the Lucky Unico casino has offered to remodel a wing as a replacement OMGTKK embassy," the second Minister commented, looking over a sheet of paper. "Your family owns the Lucky Unico, if I'm not mistaken?"

The Nuncio figited with the collar of his robe, and said, "We are presenting it as a goodwill offering to the Church, your graces."

From the Cuation UN Office

We would like to thank Ambassador Jack Riley for all his hard work at the UN and to show that Cuation does not forget such noted members of the UN, it will send a crate of Cuation baby oil to Eternal Kawaii where we are sure he will give productive service to his nation. We will send the esteemed George Brown a packet of Roast Mouse to help him during the boring moments of his new job.

We congratulate Sammy Faisano on his new job as Ambassador to the UN and look forward to working with him in the future. His choice of assistant, the popular and delectable Jessie McArthur is an inspired choice and has proved great excitement in the Cuation UN office. We hope to the chance to work very closely with her in the future.

Sun Loyalds
Duke and Ambassador to the UN