NationStates Jolt Archive

President Fernanda blinked against the barrage of flashbulbs that usually assaulted him whenever he spoke, especially on an occasion such as this, but he retained his normal cocky demeanor as he sat behind the table that had been set up for him, leaned into the bank of microphones, and continued to speak:

“... The United Nations remains the very same snakepit of irredeemable fluffiness and gnomish corruption that it was when I took office. Oh sure, the Save the Dolphins! bullshit is done with, but now we have ‘Computers for Schoolchildren,’ and ‘Sex Education,’ and soon enough there’ll be another ‘Right to Divorce,’ and a ‘Remittances and Tiny Deposits’ ...”

Fernanda adopted a mock-feminine voice when he uttered those key phrases, typically refusing to allow the fact that he was on national television force him to maintain decorum.

“... And then of course there’s that Fossil Fuel Reduction dealy, which remains on the books (despite our gallant efforts to junk it), thanks to them God-damn treehuggers! I hate those fluffy treehuggers so much.”

He punched his fist in his best Homer Simpson imitation and cast a gaze of utter disdain on all the men and women seated before him, who were too busy frantically scribbling his words down on their notepads to notice. Muckraking scum, all of them, he thought.

“But those aren’t the reasons I chose to pull out of that pissfest,” he announced. “As all of you know, the United Nations recently defeated a resolution that would have required all members to join in the global fight against terrorism -- and by refusing to endorse strong measures that would have committed all UN nations to track down these cold-blooded killers, freeze their assets and put them behind bars, they have sent an unmistakable message to the world that they simply do not take the scourge of international terrorism seriously. Much progress has been made in the fight against terror: Those Tiki Takis could have done anything with those spears -- we don’t know! -- and the nuclear threat from the Kawaiian scum has been averted. But the fight goes on, and in this fight, either you’re with us, or against us. And now that the United Nations has taken its stand squarely with the ‘Omigodtheykilledkenny is the real terrorist!’ crowd, our nation has no choice but to withdraw from that organization. I remain confident that international consensus can still be reached on the international menace that confronts every man, woman and child. The terrorist threat remains, and even though we no longer are part of the organization best equipped to compel member states to take a firm stance against it, I am optimistic that we can reach out to our allies and secure commitments from them that they too will not rest until the terrorists have been destroyed. This is an international fight, and it requires international cooperation. And on this point, our nation remains resolute. May God bless the Federal Republic.”

“Quit changing the subject, Mr. President. Did you have an affair with Alexis Thurmond or not?”

Fernanda glared at the insolent inquisitor. “I don’t know how many times I have to say this: I did not. have. sex with that skank -- erm, woman, and frankly, I'm starting to regret appointing her to the Supreme Court. ...”

“Yes, we’ve all heard that line before, Mr. President, but jokes aren’t going to get you out of this one, I’m afraid: not when you are accused of sleeping with half the women who signed up for embassy exchanges with the Federal Republic ... dare we mention the Cobdenian ambassador?!”

“Hey, she came on to me!” Fernanda barked back.

“... And unfortunately, the alleged ethical lapses, incompetence and gross negligence of your administration doesn’t stop with your womanizing. Following your invasion of Tiki Taki last fall, the whole government took an extended vacation on that island: you, your cabinet, the Joint Chiefs, most of your staff ... who was running the government during that time period, Mr. President?”

“It was a working vacation! We were running the country from the island!”

“Yes, but the capacity for mass communications on a primitive island such as Tiki Taki is rather limited, Mr. President, and frankly, having to put most government communiqués in bottles and drifting them out to sea turned out to be very inefficient.”

“Everyone got their messages ... eventually,” Fernanda protested.

“... And you were all forced to leave the island after that ‘Girls Gone Wild!’ shoot gone horribly, horribly wrong ... in which you personally were accused of having played a role, I might add.”

“Hey, I don’t know how that girl ended up on the floor of my hut! I never even heard of some of the drugs they found in her system! Incidentally, she is still recovering in the Paradise City Betty Ford Clinic, and we all wish her well.”

“Lovely sentiments, Mr. President. Now, would you care to explain the invoice for $35,000 from Cluichstani Private Entertainment Services Ltd.?”

Fernanda shrugged.

Another gentleman spoke: “Mr. President, you famously hold the record for most rogue nations invaded in a single term, and ... no one is more proud of that record than we are ... but the reasons you gave for invading some of those nations seem kind of ... frivolous. I don’t need to tell you, sir, there were no weapons of mass destruction on Tiki Taki.”

“Those women could have been hiding anything in their coconuts! Just because we were too polite to force them to take them off doesn’t mean we know for sure there weren’t any weapons there!”

“It’s not just the Tiki Taki campaign that was questionable, Mr. President. You also invaded the Wigganese Islands, you said, quote, ‘because their empress refuses to put out.’”

“How you like me now, you little tease?” muttered the president under his breath.

“What was that, Mr. President?”

Fernanda cleared his throat. “Nothing.”

“... And as for the debacle when you invaded Thessadoria ...”

“Hey, that happened 10 minutes ago! How can you call it a ‘debacle’ so soon?”

“But you’ve given no good reason for invading--”

“Look,” Fernanda interrupted, “we needed to establish a UN mission abroad, and the Thessadorians have been pretending to be UN members for months now! It’s a win-win!”

“Mr. President, there are some questions about you biography,” came another question: “You’re called ‘The Destructor from Del Fuego, Mexico,’ but according to NSwiki, you’re a native of Paradise City. Not only that, expert cartographers also claim there is no such city as ‘Del Fuego’ anywhere near Mexico! Are you even a Mexican?”

Fernanda’s face turned scarlet. “I don’t need to sit here any longer and listen to these slanderous accusations! This impeachment hearing is over!”

And with that, the Destructor leapt from his seat, turned around and proudly strode up the aisle to shocked applause from the audience that had been seated behind him, and dumbfounded gazes from the congresspersons seated at the head of the committee chamber.

[NOTE: The UN's infamous "office raiders" are not welcome in this thread. Thank you.]

GOODBYE!!! I BAGSY HIS....oh...whats the use? Jey will miss the sarcastic truth from Kenny. Any word on how quickly the UN Misssion abroad will be built?

GOODBYE!!! I BAGSY HIS....oh...whats the use? Jey will miss the sarcastic truth from Kenny. Any word on how quickly the UN Misssion abroad will be built?

I'm guessing as soon as the invasion has succeeded. ;)

I'm guessing as soon as the invasion has succeeded. ;)Anyone else up for an invasion of Chechnya?

Anyone else up for an invasion of Chechnya?

Nah, why waste our time with Chechnya when we can invade all of the countries that voted against the Anti-Terrorism Act?

I will invade anyone who dares to invade Chechnya without me! :mad:

Anyone else up for an invasion of Chechnya?

Wait...we're still discussing this? We've already mobilized the Jevian Commanding Forces. March, you!

our combat hardened homosexuals stand ready

-- a note left on Jack Riley's desk, written in awkward English --

Jack,

Sorry to hear of your departing, though it comes as no surprise. As a gesture of friendship, please accept this bottle of fine Ecopoeian whisky.

-- next to the letter is a bottle, the dark label identifying it as Coille Dubh (http://diden.net/~maga/images/ecoscotch.jpg) --

Though we little saw eye to eye, I was always invigorated and sometimes even pleasured to debate with you. If you ever wish to meet for drinks to catch up then I'm sure you can find me using official channels.

Best wishes to you and your compatriots,
Varia Yefremova

-- elsewhere, Mathieu Vergniaud shakes his head at being used as a message boy and wishes that he'd learnt how to read English --

Texas Jack Funkhttp://www.obsessedwithwrestling.com/prictures/t/terryfunk/07.jpg
runs down to Riley's office holding his barbed wire baseball bat, and the branding iron of the "Double Cross" ranch. He stands in the dorway and yells,

" Senator Sulla sent me down here for added security! If any one of you Mary's want to try and grab this office before the Kennyite UN mission shows up...Well you'll have to go through me!! YEE HAWW! I haven't had this much fun since I won the Texas Deathmatch Championship!"

our combat hardened homosexuals stand ready


You mean like the Thebian Sacred band that was wiped out by Philip of Macedonia???? It has been said we wept over their dead bodies.....God I'm such a geek.:(

President Fernanda,

We are most sad to see such an august nation leave the United Nations. While granting that we are novices, and as such have not yet fully experienced the depravity and horridness that you, in your undoubtable wisdom, claim to be there, we are sure you will see that the best way for us to better the world is not to turn from it.

Your magnificent guidance and leadership are necessary for us to be able to have any hope for real peace in the world. Do not let the little setbacks such as these push you away in disgust; instead, it means we all must work extra hard to insure that the future is indeed as bright as we know it can be.

Therefore, I humbly ask that you reconsider your position. We understand that we are but mere worms before the might and wonder that is the Federal Republic, but we hope that our words shall find some favor in your sagacious ears.

Jack,

Sorry to hear of your departing, though it comes as no surprise. As a gesture of friendship, please accept this bottle of fine Ecopoeian whisky.

[i]Though we little saw eye to eye, I was always invigorated and sometimes even pleasured to debate with you. If you ever wish to meet for drinks to catch up then I'm sure you can find me using official channels.

Best wishes to you and your compatriots,
Varia YefremovaRiley pulled out a piece of stationary and scrawled out his reply:Varia and Mathieu:

Thanks for your kind words, and thanks especially for the liquor. We've been running low on our supply lately.

My job is still being debated, and even though the Federal Republic will likely keep a presence here, despite our withdrawal, I don't know if I personally will be staying. My employers say they're gonna open up a UN mission abroad very soon; my role in that mission hasn't been decided yet. Maybe I'll be the ambassador for the mission? Maybe I'll just be an adviser for whomever they designate as the mission's ambassador? Maybe I'll be the power behind the throne, and even though there will a puppet ambassador casting the votes, I'll be the one telling them how to cast them? Maybe I will manage the Kennyite Interest Section of the UN mission for whichever nation is propped up as the puppet, and I'll be buried in an horrific bureaucratic mess? Maybe I'll just get drunk and live under my desk? I don't know, and frankly, writing all that out has made me dizzy. At any rate, there's no chance we'll be giving up our real estate: Good UN office space is just too damned hard to come by. Hell, I've been burnt in effigy so many fucking times by those liberal agitators back home, I'm probably better off here anyway. Word is they got a torch-wielding mob just outside that Paradise City crackhouse (where our nation's portal is), eagerly awaiting my return.

But thanks for your kind words, and thanks especially for the liquor. We've been running low on our supply lately.

Seeing Varia's name in print does give me a little nostalgia for the days back when we used to spar over UN stuff, but you should know I never took any of it personally; although Mathieu, you should know there's always gonna be a Super Soaker™ in our office with your name on it.

But thanks for your kind words, and thanks especially for the liquor. We've been running low on our supply lately, and here I realize I probably should have written this thing out before I started drinking your gift.

Give Lata my kind regards.

Sincerely,
JackRiley tried to read out what he'd just written, but by now his vision was so blurry there was no way to verify he'd worded everything correctly. He was certain that even if Vergniaud could read English, he probably wouldn't be able to decipher these chicken-scratches. He stuffed his correspodence in an envelope and called over his deputy.

"George?" Brown appeared in a doorway. "Bring this over to the Ecopoeians' office," Riley slurred, shakily holding up the envelope.

"What? Am I your errand boy now?" Brown asked in disgust as he moved toward the ambassador. "By the way, did you really have to leave me down there all alone in that dank, smelly UNOG dungeon, without even telling me you'd left?"

"Heh-heh-heh. Yeah," came the drunken reply.

Brown grabbed the envelope and tried to read what Riley had written across the front. "You know, you spelled 'Ecopoueeia' wrong," he advised his superior.

"In the state I'm in, I can't even spell my own name," blurted Riley, hunched over his desk, still cradling the whiskey bottle. "Why? How'd I spell it?"

"E-u-o-c-o-u-p-i-e-i-a-u-o-e-a," Brown read off the envelope.

"You're right, George; I'm sure there's supposed to be a 'w' in there someplace. Anyway, send it off," he ordered with a wave of his hand.

Brown turned toward the office door and opened it, only to find himself in the face of Texas Jack Funk. "Where the fuck do you think you're going?!" Texas Jack fumed. "No one in or out; senator's orders!! Back, asshole, back!! You heard me!"

Brown closed the door. "It may be awhile," he informed the ambassador, who was pouring himself another shot.

"You know, the polite thing to do would be to share some of that whiskey," he said.

"You drink enough for both of us, George."

Riley cackled bizarrely at his own joke, and burped loudly.

Dear President Fernanda,

I am deeply saddened by your recent decision to leave the United Nations. Your voice was one of strength and sanity in an often chaotic and insane place and you will be surely missed. As the former regional deligate to Niftyonia let me state that ...

Will you mind? I've waited two hours to use this dam dictaphone kiosk and you can wait a few more minutes. Did I just record that? How do I erase? Oh nevermind. Be patient and I'll finish in a minute.

Now where was I? Oh yes. On behalf of Tzorsland, please accept this year supply of BBQ Pelican on a stick, a most recent delecacy from my nation, from what I have been told.

Peace & Good
The Meddling Monk of Tzorsland

We would like to point out that while the UN has, in its infinite wisdom, decided to give us a break from rewriting the laws in your backwards nations, No, seriously... we don't really have to do anything for repeals, and then having this one fail... wow... we've been having a non-stop party; it's GREAT! we would like to point out that the failure of this proposal doesn't prevent Kenny from acting within its own borders. Also, you can continue to work bilaterally with other nations to have accounts frozen. You just can't... ya know... force it. Still, it'll be a pity to no longer see you in our halls. You were quite amusing.

UN Gnome in Charge of Pointing Out The Obvious And Making Nice Statements
"Vacation / All I ever wanted / Vacation / Had to get away"

PS- No, you can't have your security deposit back.

We are saddened to hear of your departure from this august assembly and we wish you well on your future endouvers... blah, blah, blah the hell with the usual you're resigning speech. The Rogue Nation of Flibbleites would be resigning from the UN as well if it weren't for the fact that we're a delegate. Furthermore The Rogue Nation of Flibbleites wishes to announce that we are hereby declaring any and all nations that opposed the Anti-Terrorism Act to be terrorists.

Brandon Flibble
Grand Poobah of The Rogue Nation of Flibbleites

[NOTE: The UN's infamous "office raiders" are not welcome in this thread. Thank you.]
Meh, we already took all the good stuff from your office during your speech anyway. You just don't realize it yet.:p

Bob Flibble
UN Representative

President Fernanda,

We are most sad to see such an august nation leave the United Nations. While granting that we are novices, and as such have not yet fully experienced the depravity and horridness that you, in your undoubtable wisdom, claim to be there, we are sure you will see that the best way for us to better the world is not to turn from it.

Your magnificent guidance and leadership are necessary for us to be able to have any hope for real peace in the world. Do not let the little setbacks such as these push you away in disgust; instead, it means we all must work extra hard to insure that the future is indeed as bright as we know it can be.

Therefore, I humbly ask that you reconsider your position. We understand that we are but mere worms before the might and wonder that is the Federal Republic, but we hope that our words shall find some favor in your sagacious ears.Executive Office of the President
The Federal Republic of Omigodtheykilledkenny
10 Frowning Street; Paradise City K.M.D. 876H754B439987H53343HBG35256787K

Your Excellency:

Your embassy just delivered your letter to my office, and I wanted to thank you personally for your kind sentiments. I tried to get in touch with our deputy to the United Nations to relay my message to you in person, but staffers inform me he's currently passed out on the floor of his office, having drunk himself silly on Ecopoeian whiskey. I gotta get me a barrelful of that stuff.

It is my sincerest hope that relations between our nations will not falter as a result of our resignation, and that we can collaborate on future projects for the betterment of our two nations, and the international community at large; UN membership or not. While I can appreciate your concerns about our departing the world body, my decision to withdraw stands. Be assured, however, that our ambassador, Jack Riley, will not be recalled from UN Headquarters, as he intends to stay behind to help set up UN DEFCON, lend moral support to his beloved sovereigntists, and mentor young nations such as yourselves still learning the ropes. He won't be gone; he'll just be hiding behind a bureaucratic morass until we can formally establish our foreign UN mission.

Once the United Nations wises up and agrees to pass strong anti-terror legislation, the Federal Republic will rethink its place outside that body, and most likely will return. Until such time, a puppet state will be voting in our stead.

Kindest regards,
Manuelo Fernanda
"The Destructor from Del Fuego, Mexico"
President of the Federal Republic

"Debbie!" the Destructor roared.

"I'm standing right here, Mr. President," his secretary noted with annoyance.

He handed her the letter. "Photocopy this and send a copy to the Tzorslanders as well," he said.

Meh, we already took all the good stuff from your office during your speech anyway. You just don't realize it yet.:pWhat?! I was in my office the whole time, watching the president on TV. I really gotta stop drinking on the job.

**Takes note of his desk, cleared of everything save an empty bottle of fine Ecopoeian whiskey. The TV is missing to.**

**Raises fist to the heavens.**

DAMN YOU, ECOPOEIA!!!!!!!

[By the way, this office is mine. I ain't budging. :mad:]

I'm wondering how long it will be before governments start labelling equipment so it is not pilfered by the UN Looters.

[OOC: I did initially express my wishes that this thread not devolve into a discussion of office supplies and looting. Please respect them.]

I'm out of paper clips again. :p

An office? I used to have an office once. Used to be a fancy regional deligate. Even had the access controls to "regional control." (Hey it's not my fault our continent's founder died and left the responsibility to the regional deligate.) Then one day, the they changed the locks on the door. The security guards denied that I was the regional deligate. When I asked who was the regional deligate I was told that Niftyonia didn't have a regional deligate.

Who needs an office anyway? Who needs the responsibility to maintain the secrity of the region? I gave it to the other big nation on the block and discovered that the UN Starbucks has WiFi, and a more comfortable chair and everything. Now that I have this card that allows me to bill the Government of Niftyonia directly for the coffee, I am content.

Of course I still have a moral obligation to remain in the UN. Davane needs two other UN members on the continent to support him in order to write nifty resolutions and currently we only have three nations on the continent.

Honorable Ambassador Riley,

Fu Huangdi, Khaghan of the Sea-Faring Nomadic Peoples of Hou Mian, has authorized me to give you the following humble gifts. He told me that you were in some need of solace in your position, and that he hopes these come in handy.

1 bottle of Carabellian rum
1 bottle of Hou Mianish huangjiu
1 bottle of koumiss.

Please drink with our warmest regards, and please let us know if their is anything we, your humble servants, can do.

Presient Fernanda, I must say I am dismayed by your leaving these United Nations, although I fully understand why. Unfortunately His Excellency the Governor-General won't allow Cobdenia to leave, largely due to the fact that in order for us to leave he is required to sign the pink R5643 form, the green Governor PU983, the RA 7821/763 and his pen has run out of ink. In honour of you making the descision we wish we could have made, Cobdenia wishes to extend the diplomatic relations we have with your nation, and we will be setting up a new Consulate-General in San Andreas. Her name is Victoria Wyatt-Turner, CRC. Here is a photo of her, actually...

http://upload.wikimedia.org/wikipedia/pl/thumb/5/5a/Ingridbergman.jpg/180px-Ingridbergman.jpg

The HOCEK NSUN Nuncio looked at Ambassador Riley's letter in disbelief. "Leaving us? He can't do that!"

"Good riddance, I'd say Your Grace," his deputy commented, a thin smile on the old otaku's face.

"No, no, no! You don't understand," the Nuncio fumed. "Riley and I had an understanding. If it weren't for him, we probably wouldn't be getting nearly half the reparations money the Kennyites owe us for that fool penguin-bombing campaign of theirs."

And I wouldn't be getting my cut of it, he added to himself. Honestly, a diplomat tries to do a little good for his country and himself, and this is the thanks he gets?

"You don't think the Kennyites will renege, do you?" the deputy mused.

"Not unless President Fernanda wants another dose of animated stardom. In the meantime, alert the Shirt Ninja detachment. We could be facing hordes of office-raiders anytime soon, looking for the Kennyite's spare property next door. I want NOONE pilfering stuff from the 9th floor unless they're one of us, got it?"

Dear President Fernanda,
The government of St Edmund notes with regret your government's decision to leave the UN, within whose councils your delegation has had such a lively presence, but certainly understands why you are doing so. We look forwards to working with whichever puppet nation you select as an alternative voice there.

Edward Haroldsson,
Firstthane for Outsidestuff.


p.s. The 'International Nuclear-powered Aircraft Project' hasn't sent us much in the way of reports yet, but at least they haven't blown themselves -- or the area where we located them -- up yet. "No news is good news", I suppose...

Texas Jack open the door and says,

"Alright Amigos, it looks like you have everything under control now. I'll be off!"

Texas Jack closes the door and looks in the hallway at the cowering office baggers lurking around. He says to them,
"Alright Ya Marys! Clear out! Riley and Brown are in control of the situation so I'm leaving. But If I hear tell of anyone of y'all pilfering even a staple I'll personally piledrive ya through a Table!"

The HOCEK NSUN Nuncio looked at Ambassador Riley's letter in disbelief. "Leaving us? He can't do that!"

"Good riddance, I'd say Your Grace," his deputy commented, a thin smile on the old otaku's face.

"No, no, no! You don't understand," the Nuncio fumed. "Riley and I had an understanding. If it weren't for him, we probably wouldn't be getting nearly half the reparations money the Kennyites owe us for that fool penguin-bombing campaign of theirs."

And I wouldn't be getting my cut of it, he added to himself. Honestly, a diplomat tries to do a little good for his country and himself, and this is the thanks he gets?

"You don't think the Kennyites will renege, do you?" the deputy mused.

"Not unless President Fernanda wants another dose of animated stardom. In the meantime, alert the Shirt Ninja detachment. We could be facing hordes of office-raiders anytime soon, looking for the Kennyite's spare property next door. I want NOONE pilfering stuff from the 9th floor unless they're one of us, got it?"

I don't think you have to worry about pilferage. I believe Texas Jack put the fear of Texas Jack in them.:D

Riley pulled out a piece of stationary and scrawled out his reply:Varia and Mathieu:

Thanks for your kind words, and thanks especially for the liquor. We've been running low on our supply lately.

My job is still being debated, and even though the Federal Republic will likely keep a presence here, despite our withdrawal, I don't know if I personally will be staying. My employers say they're gonna open up a UN mission abroad very soon; my role in that mission hasn't been decided yet. Maybe I'll be the ambassador for the mission? Maybe I'll just be an adviser for whomever they designate as the mission's ambassador? Maybe I'll be the power behind the throne, and even though there will a puppet ambassador casting the votes, I'll be the one telling them how to cast them? Maybe I will manage the Kennyite Interest Section of the UN mission for whichever nation is propped up as the puppet, and I'll be buried in an horrific bureaucratic mess? Maybe I'll just get drunk and live under my desk? I don't know, and frankly, writing all that out has made me dizzy. At any rate, there's no chance we'll be giving up our real estate: Good UN office space is just too damned hard to come by. Hell, I've been burnt in effigy so many fucking times by those liberal agitators back home, I'm probably better off here anyway. Word is they got a torch-wielding mob just outside that Paradise City crackhouse (where our nation's portal is), eagerly awaiting my return.

But thanks for your kind words, and thanks especially for the liquor. We've been running low on our supply lately.

Seeing Varia's name in print does give me a little nostalgia for the days back when we used to spar over UN stuff, but you should know I never took any of it personally; although Mathieu, you should know there's always gonna be a Super Soaker™ in our office with your name on it.

But thanks for your kind words, and thanks especially for the liquor. We've been running low on our supply lately, and here I realize I probably should have written this thing out before I started drinking your gift.

Give Lata my kind regards.

Sincerely,
JackRiley tried to read out what he'd just written, but by now his vision was so blurry there was no way to verify he'd worded everything correctly. He was certain that even if Vergniaud could read English, he probably wouldn't be able to decipher these chicken-scratches. He stuffed his correspodence in an envelope and called over his deputy.

"George?" Brown appeared in a doorway. "Bring this over to the Ecopoeians' office," Riley slurred, shakily holding up the envelope.

"What? Am I your errand boy now?" Brown asked in disgust as he moved toward the ambassador. "By the way, did you really have to leave me down there all alone in that dank, smelly UNOG dungeon, without even telling me you'd left?"

"Heh-heh-heh. Yeah," came the drunken reply.

Brown grabbed the envelope and tried to read what Riley had written across the front. "You know, you spelled 'Ecopoueeia' wrong," he advised his superior.

"In the state I'm in, I can't even spell my own name," blurted Riley, hunched over his desk, still cradling the whiskey bottle. "Why? How'd I spell it?"

"E-u-o-c-o-u-p-i-e-i-a-u-o-e-a," Brown read off the envelope.

"You're right, George; I'm sure there's supposed to be a 'w' in there someplace. Anyway, send it off," he ordered with a wave of his hand.

Brown turned toward the office door and opened it, only to find himself in the face of Texas Jack Funk. "Where the fuck do you think you're going?!" Texas Jack fumed. "No one in or out; senator's orders!! Back, asshole, back!! You heard me!"

Brown closed the door. "It may be awhile," he informed the ambassador, who was pouring himself another shot.

"You know, the polite thing to do would be to share some of that whiskey," he said.

"You drink enough for both of us, George."

Riley cackled bizarrely at his own joke, and burped loudly.


(OOC: Running low on liquor? Has he finished-off the case of St Edmundan rum that he was given up on the roof already?!?)

No, no, you, and the Hou Mianese, and the Palentine have pretty much got Riley stocked over the next couple weeks; he'll need it while trying to negotiate that mountain of paperwork. Those UN missions don't establish themselves, you know.

[President Fernanda contacts Jack Riley at UN Headquarters using his brand-new, high-tech telecommunications interface device ...]

http://static.flickr.com/1/33059_6245c1133d_m.jpghttp://www.earthforce.org/images/lib/patty-on-banana-phone.jpg
http://i4.photobucket.com/albums/y116/smackmebum/FARTINGMCPOPPERS067.jpg
http://www.bezzmedia.com/chops/bananaphone.jpg
http://www.scad.edu/lacoste/lacoste_journal/sum05e/image1.jpg
http://www.ataboy.com/gp3/bananaphone.jpg

“Hey, Jack. How’s it hanging?”

“Well, Mr. President, y’all stuck me with all this bullshit paperwork to set up our foreign mission, and I am swamped,” Riley growled, “but fortunately, the congratulatory liquor keeps rolling in. It’s been keeping me company.” Riley’s fingers were stroking the bottle of Carabellian rum sitting on his desk.

“It’s too bad you couldn’t make it home for the February 11 (http://forums.jolt.co.uk/showthread.php?t=468139) celebrations.”

“Yeah, I heard they really were jumping this year. How’d you make out?”

“Dude, I got wedgied!”

“Mr. President, you volunteered to be humiliated in front of a large crowd in a ceremonial g-string?!” Riley shuddered violently at the mental picture that popped into his head.

“Dude, you’da done it too, if you’da seen the girl who was doin’ the wedgying! ... Sure, she put me in pain, but I made sure to return the favor, later that night.” He giggled suggestively.

“Disgusting, Mr. President.”

Fernanda ignored him, still giggling to himself. “So anyway, how’s our announcement been going down?”

“Our resignations from the United Nations and the UN Old Guard seem to have triggered other resignations, Mr. President. Not from the UN, but from the National Sovereignty Organization. The UN used to be divided over NatSov vs. ‘International Federalism,’ but the abortion issue seems to have opened a painful left/right rift in the international community; already two nations have pulled out of the NSO. Yelda just announced (http://s11.invisionfree.com/NatSovOrg/index.php?showtopic=189) its resignation the other day.”

“Who?”

“The Yeldans, sir.”

“Who are they?”

Riley grumbled at the president’s famous lack of geographic knowledge. “The cheese people, Mr. President,” he said with a fair amount of annoyance.

“Ah, yes.”

“Sadly, the abortion issue, among others that have crossed this body in recent weeks, has convinced many that the NSO is shifting to the right, and the Yeldans are among them. Their pullout is a tremendous loss to the organization.”

“Yes, yes, very interesting,” Fernanda said dully. “I’ll have our commandos sound a 21-Lap Dance Salute outside their embassy.”

“But they don’t have an embassy in the Federal Republic, Mr. President; at least not officially.”

“Fine, they can do it next to the Nuke the Dolphins Memorial we erected in their honor after that repeal passed.”

“Yes, Mr. President.”

“Anything else?”

“The Cobdenians send their congratulations ...”

“The ones with the hot ambassador?”

“Yes, sir. They even wish to open a consular office in San Andreas.”

“Their consul? She also hot?”

“I’ll have her dossier sent over, Mr. President. She sure ain’t hard on the eyes.”

“Awesome. Have her sent to my office immediately. I already have champagne chilling.”

“At any rate, Mr. President, the delegation across the hall might not like our withdrawal. They might be under the impression that I am losing my job, and with that, any chance that the reparations I promised them will be paid.”

Fernanda scoffed. “The Kawaiians? Yeah, like we were gonna pay them anyway.”

[President Fernanda contacts Jack Riley at UN Headquarters using his brand-new, high-tech telecommunications interface device ...]

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Wooo, great, it just need an OLED display;)