NationStates Jolt Archive

Friends, how much longer must we torture ourselves?

Friends, how many more times will you submit yourselves to torment?

Friends, how many more days must pass, until we properly wipe our ass?

Four score and some odd minutes ago, I submitted a groundbreaking proposal to the UN. My resolution is a very important one, that affects most, if not everyone. Friends, I propose to ban the one-ply toilet paper roll. How often have you ran to the public facilities to unleash a load of poo, only to wipe your ass with feeble toilet paper? How many times (yes, this has happened to us all) have you wiped with this feeble toilet paper, only to have it rip mid-way, and leave your fingers covered in a faux-chocolate surprise? Friends, we must stop torturing ourselves! We must be able to walk the streets with clean arses! Friends, our strides must no longer roll our shit crumbs in our buttocks! Friends, we must abolish the production of one-ply toilet paper, and enforce a two-ply minimum to all public facilities. Any malicious offender who dares to break these rules will have toilet paper withheld from him permanently! My brothers and sisters, I tell you now, we shall no longer let the one-ply toilet paper oppress us. I have a dream where little white girls and little black boys can run around the park without carrying the funk in their trunk. They will be clean! Oh yes, clean at last, clean at last, thank God almighty, our ass is clean at last!

IMHO toilet paper falls outside the mandate of the UN.

Lord Evif, Goobergunchian UN Ambassador
DU Regional Delegate

Friends, how much longer must we torture ourselves?

Friends, how many more times will you submit yourselves to torment?



What if we like torture?

Well, then that's a different story. And I would at least suppose that your torture fix would be fulfilled through less cruel ways than subjugation to one-ply toilet paper. That's absurd!

Down with one-ply!

Down with one-ply!

Down with one-ply!

And what about nations where there is no toilet paper at all? Are you going to ban the use of only one leaf instead of two leaves? :roll:

Instead maybe the use of that one kind of toilet...can't spell it for anything....squirts the water up to rinse you instead of toilet paper at all!

Personally, three ply is the way to go. Why not just ban 1 & 2 ply?

^^we don't want to be too gung-ho on this idea. I just want to be able to wipe my ass with paper, rather than my fingers when the paper accidentally rips mid-wipe. Especially if I haven't cut my nails in a while, the funk gets caught under there and it's hard as hell to get the stink out. Every hand I shake from then on is preceded with my shit whafted in front of them.

Goddammit

I just want to be able to wipe my ass with paper, rather than my fingers when the paper accidentally rips mid-wipe. Especially if I haven't cut my nails in a while,....


Very good point, our state run bog roll factories already produce nothing but 2 ply for the cleaning up of the workers winnits. 1 ply is the product of the capitalist pigs who wish upon the downtrodden workers scuddy fingers and smelly hands. Thus enforcing the impirialist sterotypes of the proloterat (sic). Therefore we demand that the workers of the world recieve the benefits of at least 2 ply paper.

So in the name of the revolution we ask you all to support this proposal.

We the People's Republic Of Amyth are aghast at the blantant abuse of the enviornment that this bill entails. Toilet paper grows on trees you know and the excessive wasting of paper just so you can have the softest paper touch your sensitive bottom is disturbing. We at the PROA feel that you should all be ashamed of yourselves and consider sacrificing a little comfort for the sake of the children. Also we would hope that you could learn to wash your hands with soap and water after you go to the bathroom.

We thank you all not to touch us...

Please keep back a minimum of 25 feet

But comrade, our state bog roll factories only manifacture the workers 2 ply from recycled paper!! We import 35,000,000 tons of unwanted Amex junk mail circulars for our workers to wipe their arses on!! (after reprossesing of course) and the hot air from our geo-thermal power plants dries them to a fluffiness unknown in the evil imperialist lands our side the highest ranks of the ruling elite. So please support this measure, the environment wont suffer.

Down with 1-ply!

Instead maybe the use of that one kind of toilet...can't spell it for anything....squirts the water up to rinse you instead of toilet paper at all!

A bedet, I think.