Novar Ohan
14-03-2009, 00:00
Dateline: Tarniqin Tsar Sebastien I Chyornyev, in his first Lent message since coming to the throne, has called for 'peace, harmony, and the burning of heretics.' The remarks came at the end of a thirty minute speech during which Tsar Sebastien, believed to have been coaxed through this by the hardliners of the court, repeatedly said that true Christians of the Roman and Oriental Ruthenian Catholic churches, and the Aguan Orthodox Church, should come together as one to destroy 'those who dwell amongst us, but do not accept the supremacy of doctrine as laid down by the church fathers.'
The sixteen year old Tsar -- who according to his regent, Simon VII d'Arquis, has given up carbonated beverages, pizza and watching soccer for Lent, reportedly in order to set an example to his subjects -- also punctuated his address with occasional threats against 'sodomites', such as a warning that "We will find you, wherever you may be hiding, and we will punish you for your sins against our kind and just Lord."
Sebastien, who seemed bored and ill-at-ease during much of the speech, signed off with the statement: "And so, on the days leading up to our saviour's death and resurrection, it is important that we unite around the core truths of our faith: that God sent his only son to die for our sins, and that everyone who disagrees with the official teachings of the Church Fathers is a filthy heretic who should be burned at the stake."
In an interview with Patriarch Dmitri VII of the Oriental Ruthenian Catholic Church, during which he seemed to have eye difficulty (evidenced by continual winking), the Patriarch was asked how Vatican II was being adhered to through this message, and responded, "Well, obviously I do not approve of calling for our brothers and sisters in Christ, whatsoever the wrongheadedness of their thinking, to be burned by governmental thugs for disapproving of the doctrines which Catholic and Eastern Orthodox alike hold to be the only true way. However, Vatican II also says that it is inappropriate for me to interfere with our government's policies, and while I expressly condemn the burning of filthy, filthy, filthy heretics as against the ecumenical policies of the beatified Pope John Paul II and his predecessors, I do advise them that really, the best way to be safe is to return to the Mother Church. We have free classes at most Cathedrals and a convenient outreach for those who live too far away to travel. Please get in touch with your local parish priest today."
Prime Minister Clarissa Bencenoff could not be reached for comment, as she has, according to her office, "given up trying" for Lent.
The sixteen year old Tsar -- who according to his regent, Simon VII d'Arquis, has given up carbonated beverages, pizza and watching soccer for Lent, reportedly in order to set an example to his subjects -- also punctuated his address with occasional threats against 'sodomites', such as a warning that "We will find you, wherever you may be hiding, and we will punish you for your sins against our kind and just Lord."
Sebastien, who seemed bored and ill-at-ease during much of the speech, signed off with the statement: "And so, on the days leading up to our saviour's death and resurrection, it is important that we unite around the core truths of our faith: that God sent his only son to die for our sins, and that everyone who disagrees with the official teachings of the Church Fathers is a filthy heretic who should be burned at the stake."
In an interview with Patriarch Dmitri VII of the Oriental Ruthenian Catholic Church, during which he seemed to have eye difficulty (evidenced by continual winking), the Patriarch was asked how Vatican II was being adhered to through this message, and responded, "Well, obviously I do not approve of calling for our brothers and sisters in Christ, whatsoever the wrongheadedness of their thinking, to be burned by governmental thugs for disapproving of the doctrines which Catholic and Eastern Orthodox alike hold to be the only true way. However, Vatican II also says that it is inappropriate for me to interfere with our government's policies, and while I expressly condemn the burning of filthy, filthy, filthy heretics as against the ecumenical policies of the beatified Pope John Paul II and his predecessors, I do advise them that really, the best way to be safe is to return to the Mother Church. We have free classes at most Cathedrals and a convenient outreach for those who live too far away to travel. Please get in touch with your local parish priest today."
Prime Minister Clarissa Bencenoff could not be reached for comment, as she has, according to her office, "given up trying" for Lent.