NationStates Jolt Archive

The Fatatatutti Broadcasting Corporation (FBC) is pleased to announce the launch of Radio Fatatatutti, bringing Fatatatutti to the world - everything you need to know about events in and around Fatatatutti, interspersed with your favorite wall-to-wall ukulele music.

*************

At the top of today's news, the government and people of Fatatatutti are proud to welcome our six billionth citizen, little Andrea Rimsky-Korsakov Carter, born this morning at Daughters of the Crimea Memorial Hospital. Mother and daughter are doing well, though father is still a bit woozy.

I welcome Radio Fatatatutti broadcasts to the Iglesian Archipelago.

After a quick review of the station, you are free to send signals nationwide at 492yhz (yoctohertz)

Radio Fatatatutti is pleased to welcome our new listeners in the Iglesian Archipelago and Lurikastan. We'll have to look those up in the old atlas. Keep those cards and letters coming in, folks.

For anybody who's wondering, we pronounce it 'FAtata-TUti'. That's 'fa' as in 'far', not 'fat', although we do love our luaus. And 'tata' as in 'tatas'. Can we say that on the air? And 'tutti' as in 'frutti'. Fatatatutti.

Now, there are some old-timers who pronounce it 'FAta-ta-TUti'. The island is called 'Fata' in the north and 'Tuti' in the south, so some people think it means 'North and South' but our friends at the University of Fatatatutti tell us that there's no evidence for that. 'Fata' refers to the whole island and so does 'Tuti'. Nobody seems to know what the words actually mean any more.

So, that's the way it is. Call us anything you like but call us in time for the luau.

Radio Fatatatutti apologizes for the interruption in programming earlier this morning. Our staff has been car-pooling to work and the car was borrowed last night by some local teenagers. Our listeners will be happy to learn that the car has been found and, after some minor repairs, it will be roadworthy again. Until then, our staff are using public transportation.

We regret any inconvenience caused by the incident. We are in the process of making an endless loop of ukulele music so that the problem won't arise again.

We have some fun trivia for you today, here on Radio Fatatatutti. Any of you folks out there who might have visited Fatatatutti at some time, if you have any Fatatatutian money left over, you might be wondering why it's round. Well, it seems that a long time ago, centuries, I guess, the first Fatatatutian money was actually made out of coconut shells. That's why it's called the coco. If you have any coins, you'll notice that they're not flat like most coins. They're shaped like little saucers. That's because the original coconut money that was cut out of a coconut shell was shaped like that. We still make them like that today, even though it's more expensive and it's a nightmare for the vending-machine industry. And that's why our paper money is round, too, just like those first disks cut out of coconut shells. You heard it here, folks.

Here in Astholm, two of our biggest radio groups, GCap Radio and Astbury Radio Limited are looking into buying your station.

Thank you for your offer, Astholm, but Radio Fatatatutti is owned by the people of Fatatatutti. You'll have to negotiate with all six billion of them individually.

We have a real treat for you this week. We will be airing an interview with General Castro-Stalina, one of Fatatatutti's greatest living military heroes. That will be airing in several installments over the next few days, so stay tuned because you won't want to miss any of it.

Radio Fatatatutti: Welcome to our studio, General.

Castro-Stalina: Call me Marie-Louise.

RF: All right. Marie-Louise. Let's start at the beginning, shall we? Would you tell us a little bit about your early life? I understand you were interested in kung fu.

CS: Yes, I started kung fu when I was a kid. I competed in the 1992 Fatatatutti Games. I was favoured to win a medal in 1996 but I broke my leg in a motorcycle accident and I couldn't compete.

RF: So that was when you decided on a military career?

CS: Well, I wasn't thinking about a career at the time. I was only twenty. As soon as my leg was healed, I went into the Army. In their infinite wisdom, since I don't like heights, they made me a paratrooper.

RF: So you started at the bottom.

CS: In Fatatatutti, everybody does. I would have been content to be a rifleman, but I failed the short-arm inspection. And I wasn't smart enough to be a sergeant, so they made me an officer.

RF: And you rose through the ranks quickly?

CS: In the Fatatatutian forces, field officers get the promotions. Desk jockeys are only there to do the paper work. So I went from platoon leader to company commander to battalion commander. My first major command was the 69th Lesbian Light Infantry Regiment.

RF: Tell us what it's like in a lesbian regiment.

CS: Well, it isn't all pillow fights. You don't have to be a lesbian. There are even a few men in the regiment. It's just named after the major component, like a Highland regiment would be.

RF: I see.

CS: Then I was at Brigade headquarters for a while. Operations Officer. And finally, I was asked to command the 365th Parachute Division. You may have heard of them as the Tuesday Division.

And we'll be talking about the famous Tuesday Division in our next segment.

We thought this was a corporate-owned radio station for us to apply our "More Music variety" branding to.

We thought this was a corporate-owned radio station for us to apply our "More Music variety" branding to.
Sorry, no. Practically nothing in Fatatatutti is corporate-owned.

Maybe you were misled by the name of our parent, the Fatatatutti Broadcasting "Corporation". The people of Fatatatutti are the shareholders. By definition, every citizen of Fatatatutti owns one share. Thus, the shares can not be "sold".

Thanks again for your interest.

Welcome back to Radio Fatatatutti. We're continuing our interview with General Castro-Stalina.

Radio Fatatatutti: General, you were telling us about the Tuesday division. Can you tell us, please, how they got their name?

Castro-Stalina: Well, it was back in '52. The division was on manoevers up in the highlands of central Fatatatutti. It was a very rainy spring and there was a lot of flooding. The commanding general at the time got a call to help sandbag some communities that were in danger of being washed away. They were almost a hundred kilometers away, so they were only expected to help with rescue and cleanup once the damage had been done. This was on Sunday afternoon and the river was expected to crest on Wednesday. They asked the general how soon the division could get there and he answered, "We'll be there by Tuesday." They marched, ten thousand of them, nearly a hundred kilometers in thirty-six hours. They got there on Tuesday and started right in to work. They laid almost a million sandbags and saved hundreds of homes. Since then, the division's motto has been "We'll be there by Tuesday" and they've been known as the Tuesday Division.

RF: So it must be quite an honour to be chosen to command the division.

CS: Yes. And I'd like to think that they chose me because of merit and not just to have another Castro-Stalina commanding. That general in 1952 was my great-grandfather.

RF: So you come from a military family?

CS: Well, my father and mother were both in the military for a while. That's where they met, actually. And my grandfather too. But so far, only two generals.

That's all the time we have for today. in our next segment, General Castro-Stalina will talk about her involvement in peacekeeping actions.

In today's news, preparations are under way for National Luau Week, which begins April 10th and ends sometime in June. This year's celebration is expected to have more food, more fireworks and fewer injuries than ever before. International visitors are encouraged to reserve your accomodations early, or bring a blanket so you can sleep on the beach.

This edition of the news has been brought to you by the good people down at Bruddah's Place, where the food is just like Muddah used to make.

Here in Astholm we would like to export wine to your nation, high-class - £500 a bottle.

Radio Fatatatutti is aimed primarily at foreign nations. We don't know how many Fatatatutians listen to us, so this might not be the best place to offer your exports to them. And, just a word of advice, a word like "high-class" is not likely to resonate with the Fatatatutian people. We are a classless society - we eat royalty and wash it down with $5 coconut wine. (You can really taste the coconut.)

But you are certainly welcome to post your commercials here.

We do not get a signal from your station in our nation, due to 97.6 Cilten FM blocking it out in the Southern region.

We do not get a signal from your station in our nation, due to 97.6 Cilten FM blocking it out in the Southern region.
You might try the 492yhz (yoctohertz) band that we broadcast to Lurikastan. Or, you can find the transcripts of our broadcasts online, at www.radiofatatatutti.fa (http://forums.jolt.co.uk/showthread.php?t=585612).

We apologize for not being able to air yesterday's installment of our interview with General Castro-Stalina. The cat ate the tape. Luckily, we found a backup. And here it is.

Radio Fatatatutti: We were just talking about how you were in command of the famous Tuesday Division. Could you please tell us about some of your peacekeeping activities with the division?

Castro-Stalina: Well, I should make something clear, in case your listeners aren't aware. Fatatatutian law forbids any Fatatatutian soldier from ever setting foot on foreign soil. When I was with the 365th, it was strictly training and some humanitarian aid, but all in Fatatatutti. The peacekeeping operations came later.

RF: I see. So, tell us how that happened.

CS: Well, at that time, Fatatatutti was part of the Crozet region and they set up an international Peace Force to smooth over any conflicts within the region. I was nominated as second-in-command and Operations Officer of that force, but I had to resign my commission to comply with the law. So I still held the nominal rank of General but I wasn't a Fatatatutian officer any more.

RF: So you were actually a civilian volunteer?

CS: Officially, yes. But the Crozet Peace Force was a real military body, at least until later.

RF: Well, let's not jump ahead too fast. tell us a bit about what you did with the Crozet Peace Force.

CS: Well, the force was originally organized because of a conflict among three members of the region, Eltenberg, Auftragsreich and Neurepublik. I won't go into the politics but the force was organized to prevent war from breaking out. But while that situation was still waiting to boil over, there was another crisis in the Suva Islands, so we were diverted there. We were asked to supervise the elections, to make sure there was no interference with the democratic process. In accordance with Fatatatutian tradition, I went myself to command the Suva contingent on the ground.

I'm sorry we're short on time today but we'll continue with General Castro-Stalina's adventures on the Suva Islands next time.

We're talking again with General Castro-Stalina, who's retired from the Fatatatutti armed forces. We continue as the General tells us about her peacekeeping activities.

Radio Fatatatutti: So, was there trouble during the elections?

Castro-Stalina: No, we were pretty lucky. From the start, we tried to look more like friends than like an invading army. We set up soccer games with the children, things like that to build a good relationship with the Suvanese people. Then, on election day, we had a minimum number of troops at each polling station and they were just dressed in fatigues and berets. We wanted them to look more like security guards than like soldiers. But we had our reserve forces centrally located, in case there was any trouble. We also had an airborne reserve ready to parachute onto any of the outlying islands if it became necessary.

RF: And was there any trouble?

CS: No. As I said, we were very lucky. There was the odd drunken incident and a few disputes about who to vote for but nothing that escalated into violence. The Suvanese people were very civilized and well-organized.

RF: You were saying that the Suva Islands situation interrupted your original plans?

CS: Yes. Immediately after the election, we proceded to the Auftragsreich-Neurepublik border. We flew up and down that border for... I don't quite remember how long, weeks. Almost every day we dropped into a new location. We wanted to make both sides think that we were a much larger force controlling the border when, in fact, we were only controlling a few crossing points, bridges, airfields at a time. In the end, there weren't any serious clashes. The number of racial incidents was a bit disturbing, though. And then the whole Crozet Peace Force went sideways.

But we'll have to save that for another time.

From 96.9 and 97.6 Ciltern FM, we wish to supply you with a documentary about the geography of Astholm, made by our station's news department.

This is a tourism piece.

From 96.9 and 97.6 Ciltern FM, we wish to supply you with a documentary about the geography of Astholm, made by our station's news department.

This is a tourism piece.
As I said earlier, Radio Fatatatutti is intended for promotion of Fatatatutti abroad. It isn't aimed at Fatatatutti.

However, if you send us your documentary by TG, we'll decide whether or not it's suitable for our listeners.

We have a bulletin from the Government of Fatatatutti. Everybody, please stand up and face the flag. Just kidding....

The Government of Fatatatutti would like to assure anybody who is thinking of visiting our island that it is safe for tourists. The World Assembly has reported that Fatatatutti has a high crime rate but we would like to point out that our crime is almost entirely youth-oriented.

Yes, there is a chance that your car will be borrowed but more than eighty percent of borrowed cars are found in a few days with little or no damage. We chalk it up to youthful exhuberance and most of our youth are very good drivers, even when being exhuberant.

We apologize again for the interruption in our regular scheduled programming. The tape fell behind a filing cabinet and wasn't found until late last night by the cleaning staff.

We continue with General Castro-Stalina and her exploits with the Crozet Peace Force.

Radio Fatatatutti: Was there a problem among the members of the Peace Force?

Castro-Stalina: In a way. It all started, I think, when the commander of the force, General David Washington, went AWOL. He was a Borickian. Right in the middle of the Auftragreich-Neurepubik campaign, he disappeared. I couldn't contact Headquarters at all. I had more than 50,000 troops in the field and no way to feed them, no support from the Peace Force at all.

RF: What did you do?

CS: Well, I contacted the government of Fatatatutti and they offered to supply the force entirely from Fatatatutti. In effect, we took over control of the Peace Force completely. We released all non-Fatatatutian troops and sent them home. Except, there were some who refused to leave, so we set up a Borickian Regiment and a Dracheslander Regiment. After the campaign was over, they were given Fatatatutian citizenship and they're part of the regular Fatatatutian forces now.

RF: And what happened to the other members of the Peace Force? I mean, how did the other members of the region react?

CS: Well, there wasn't much reaction until after the campaign was over. Incidentally, both Auftragsreich and Neurepublik were invited to become part of Greater Fatatatutti but they both voted to stay independent. Then the Fatatatutian Parliament voted to try General Washington for dereliction of duty. Several members of Crozet, Borickio and Drachesland and some others, retalliated by charging me with overstepping my authority.

RF: And how did all that turn out?

CS: There was a trial of sorts, two trials actually. But they couldn't show any justification for Washington leaving his post. Their only excuse was that he went 'on vacation' - went on vacation in the middle of a campaign, if you can believe it. And they couldn't make anything stick against me because I was second-in-command and required to step up when Washington was unavailable.

RF: So, after that, the Crozet region disbanded?

CS: Yes.

Be sure to stay tuned to find out what happens in our next episode.

We're back. General Castro-Stalina has been telling us some exciting stories of her adventures all over the world, keeping the peace. We'll continue now with the collapse of the Crozet region.

Radio Fatatatutti: What happened after the trial? You were exonnerated.

Castro-Stalina: Yes. When we got home, I planned to sail my boat around Fatatatutti. It was the closest thing to a vacation that I had had in years.

RF: Tell us about your boat. It's quite small, isn't it?

CS: Well, so am I. The Pom Pom is seven meters. I call her the Pom Pom. Her full name is Pom Pom Galli - named after an island in the South Pacific. I think it's a fictitious island though. I could never find it on the map. I just liked the sound of the name.

RF: Seven meters? That's like a canoe.

CS: My ancestors came to Fatatatutti in outrigger canoes not much bigger than that hundreds of years ago. - and they crossed the open sea. I was hardly ever out of sight of land.

RF: You're blonde and blue-eyed. You say you have native Fatatatutian ancestry?

CS: Nearly everybody in Fatatatutti does, except the recent immigrants. I think the blonde hair comes from the Stalinas. The Castros were Hispanic, so they were dark-haired like the Fatatatutian natives. My native ancestry is on my mother's side.

RF: And you sailed around the island alone?

CS: The Pom Pom will sleep four in a pinch but I don't think I'd want to spend much time on a boat that size with three other people. I spent twelve years in the Army, jammed in the hold of a Hercules with sixty-three other people - mostly men - and sleeping in the mud with them and showering with them when we were lucky enough to have showers. I had some company from time to time on the trip, but mostly I was alone. I was greateful for the time alone. It made me appreciate other people more.

And we'll talk more about the trip around Fatatatutti in our next segmet.

In the news, there was a traffic snarl near Fatatatutti International Airport this morning when a couple of cows got loose on the highway. Nobody seems to know where they came from, since there are very few cows in Fatatatutti. The only ranch I know of is far away in the southwest. Traffic movement was slow and slower until the cows were rounded up and loaded on a truck. They are being kept in a fenced enclosure near the Air Fatatatutti hangar until they are claimed by their owner. So, if you're missing any cows, you might want to get over there.

We've been talking with General Castro-Stalina, about her trip around the island of Fatatatutti in her sailboat.

Radio Fatatatutti: So you sailed all the way around the island?

Castro-Stalina: Yes. By the way, you can read a little about it an my blog at www.crozet.castro-stalina.net (http://crozet.freeforums.org/on-board-the-pom-pom-galli-t48.html).

RF: Thanks. I'm sure our listeners will be interested in that. Now, could you tell us how far you sailed?"

CS: I'm not sure what the actual coastline of Fatatatutti is, or what my sailing distance was. I know it was in the thousands of kilometers and it took me from May until Christmas.

RF: So, seven months at sea by yourself?

CS: Well, I went ashore fairly often, for fresh food and to get cash from the bank. I nearly always slept on the boat though. I had a lot of invitations. I probably could have stayed in some of those small towns indefinitely, just visiting from house to house. A lot of times, it was hard to get away.

RF: Were you recognized? I mean, did they know you as General Castro-Stalina?

CS: Sometimes. I guess my picture has been in the paper a few times, here in civilization.

RF: Yes, it has.

CS: But mostly, people didn't let on that they knew who I was. I was a stranger in town. The people of Fatatatutti are nearly always friendly to strangers. I learned that when I was in the Army.

RF: I don't want to be negative, but did you have any bad experiences on your trip?

CS: Not with the people. At least, not face to face. The Pom Pom almost got run over a few times, by careless boats and ships that didn't see us. And there was one incident on the West Coast where I didn't think I was going to live through it.

But we'll save that adventure for next time.

And now, I'm sure you're all on pins and needles, waiting to see how General Castro-Stalina faced death on her voyage around Fatatatutti.

Radio Fatatatutti: So, your life was in danger?

Castro-Stalina: Well, at times I thought it was. You never really know, do you?

RF: Was it pirates?

CS: No. Pirates would make a better story. But it was silly, really, almost embarassing. I was stuck on the beach and I couldn't get off.

RF: How did that happen?

CS: Well, on the West Coast of Fatatatutti, the prevailing winds are from the west. I don't know how strong they are on the average, but when I was there, they were pretty strong. The beaches are pretty long and shallow, so I couldn't get in very close to shore. I didn't dare to stop at night because I thought the anchor would drag and I'd go aground. So I was getting pretty tired. Then I found a little cove and I managed to slip in there where the water was calm and it was sheltered a bit from the wind. I dropped anchor and slept for a while. But when I wanted to leave, I found that I couldn't get back out to sea against the wind and the waves.

RF: And that endangered your life?

CS: Not at first, but I had limited food and water. I could have lived on fish and I had a little solar still for water, so I could have stayed alive for quite a while. But it drives you crazy, sitting there, not being able to do anything. I tried to tow the Pom Pom out with the dinghy and a kedge anchor, but I couldn't make any progress that way either. I hiked inland a couple of times, looking for water and... well, I don't know what else I was looking for... civilization, I guess. I even thought of dragging the Pom Pom overland. I think I was getting delerious by then. They call that coast the Skeleton Coast, and I know why.

RF: But you did escape. You're here.

CS: Yes, one day the wind was down for a bit and I didn't waste any time. I still had a clear enough head to get up and out of there. I sailed around the point as slick as anything and I was free. It was like it never happened. Of course, for the rest of the voyage, I was afraid to go ashore.

We'll have to hear about the rest of the voyage next time.

Today, we have the final instalment of our interview with General Castro-Stalina.

Radio Fatatatutti: So, you survived the Skeleton Coast. What happened next?

Castro-Stalina: Well, I had only planned to be gone two months... and after the Skeleton Coast, I was leery about going ashore again. I was aiming to be home for Christmas with the family. Christmas is always a big deal on Fatatatutti. So I sailed flat-out most of the way. If I'm forgetting any major incidents, you can read about it on my blog at www.crozet.castro-stalina.net (http://crozet.freeforums.org/on-board-the-pom-pom-galli-t48.html)

RF: So you made it home for Christmas?

CS: Yes, Christmas Eve, not a moment to spare. In a way, I regret the way I hurried the last leg of the voyage. If I ever did it again, I'd go in the opposite direction and see the North Coast and West Coast first, while I'm still fresh. But I'm not planning on anything like that any time soon.

RF: What plans do you have for the future?

CS: For the time being, I'm just going to be a beach bum. I'm living on the Pom Pom. I have two jobs that pay the bills. I take disabled kids out sailing - not on the Pom Pom, just on a little four-meter. And I have a job teaching kung fu to children. I'm not much bigger than they are, so they're not intimidated by me. Of course, I could be called back to active duty at any time, if there's trouble. But we keep our fingers crossed, don't we?

RF: Yes, we do. So, it's the quiet life from now on.

CS: I hope so. Some creepy guy has been following me around, trying to hire me as a mercenary or something. But I wouldn't get involved in that unless I was pretty sure nobody was going to get hurt. I'm a soldier, not a thug.

RF: Well, thank you, General Castro-Stalina. I'm sure our listeners have been fascinated by your adventures. Please come back and talk to us again some time.

CS: Okay. Thanks for having me.

RF: Ladies and gentlemen, General Castro-Stalina

You can find a transcript of the whole interview at www.crozet.castro-stalina-interview.net (http://crozet.freeforums.org/an-interview-with-general-castro-stalina-t70.html).

Well, we've cleared up the big cow mystery. It seems that those cows didn't arrive in Fatatatutti by plane after all - they came by boat. They were imported for breeding purposes and they got away from the container port while they were being unloaded and somehow they made their way over to the airport. They've been reunited with their fellow cows now and everybody is happy.

As St. Patrick's Day festivities continue into their second weekend, police are urging Fatatatutians and tourists alike to celebrate responsibly. Please do not drink and drive, especially if you are a cab driver or a bus driver.

In a related story, authorities wish to reassure visitors that the green tap water in some parts of the island is safe to drink. The water department is reasonably certain that it's just a prank by some university students and they expect it to return to its normal colour soon. Until it does, you're advised to test the water on an inconspicuous part of your body before showering.

And in another student-related story, if your car is missing, try looking on the roof. It might turn out to be a crane problem instead of a police problem. If any of our listeners are engineering students, we'd appreciate you calling in and telling us how you get them up there.

The University of Fatatatutti Athletic Department is hosting the National Kung Fu Championships this weekend. Officials are expecting General Castro-Stalina to put in an appearance. If you remember, the General was unable to compete in the 2000 Fatatatutti Games after breaking her leg in a motorcycle accident. We interviewed the General here in our studios a little while back. I hope you got a chance to listen to that. And if you're out and about today, you might want to head down to the gym and catch all the action. You might even get an autograph from the General.

In other news, the Daughters of the Crimea are having a bake sale today to raise money for our armed forces. They'll be at most of the malls around the island. I know I'm going to head down there after work for some of that pineapple upside-down cake. So, if you have a sweet tooth, come out and support the troops.

We have a note here from the Daughters of the Crimea. They want to thank everybody who helped make their bake sale a big success yesterday. They raised over one million USD yesterday.... Is that right? I don't have my glasses. It looks like one million USD. That's a lot of pineapples. Once again, thanks to everybody who supported our troops.

In the news, we have an unconfirmed report that the notorious pirate, Captain Zagor has been spotted on the West Coast again. We have no confirmation of that but any small boats in the area might want to keep an eye out. That's Captain Zagor on the West Coast.

Now for the weather report.... Weather report? We never have a weather report.... Okay, well, it says here that the Fatatatutti Weather Office is predicting a cold snap for the next few days. Temperatures are expected to drop as low as twenty-three degrees Celsius. That's pretty chilly. Better get those sweaters out. Maybe keep the kids home from school, just to be on the safe side. As far as we know, no public services have been cancelled but we'll keep you posted.

We have a message here from Crime Stoppers. There was a break-in at the Consolidated Paper Clip factory last night. So, if you know anything about that, if you see any suspicious-looking paper clips, just give Crime Stoppers a call. You don't have to leave your name or number. And there just might be a little reward in it for you, a beach ball or something.... Hey, can we get some beach balls made up with the station call letters on them? Let's look into that.

Oh, and here's a related story. The police department will be closed for the remainder of the week, due to a trout-fishing tournament. So, for all those 9-1-1 calls, just leave a message, I guess.... Wait, I'm supposed to tell you that the fire service and the ambulance service will still be in operation. So it's a go on all those fires and accidents. But no crimes, please. And to all our boys and girls in blue, I hope the big ones are biting.

Here's some more trivia for our international listeners. The island is called 'Fatatatutti', of course. You might remember an earlier broadcast when I mentioned that it's called 'Fata' in the north and 'Tuti' in the south. Well, the capital is also called 'Fatatatutti'. It stretches for quite a ways along the north coast. Now, people in the south usually call it 'Fata' while people in the north just call it 'town'. So, if you're in the south and you hear people talking about 'Tuti', they're talking about the island, and if you hear them talking about 'Fata', they're talking about the city. But if you're in the north and you hear people talking about 'Fata', they're talking about the island. And to make it even more complicated, when Fatatatutians go off-island, they all call the island 'Fata', whether they're from the north or the south. 'Back home in Fata' is what they usually say.

So I hope you have all of that straight. Another little thing, the native name of the island is 'Fatatatuti' with one tee at the end. Somehow, the English-speaking settlers started putting two tees at the end, 'Fatatatutti' and that's the official name of the island now. But we still call ourselves 'Fatatatutians' with one tee at the end.

Now you know.

Okay now, I don't want anybody to panic but I've got some pretty disturbing news here.

We're getting reports of a pig shortage in Fatatatutti. This is the worst possible time for something like that to happen because the National Luau Festival is set to start in a couple of weeks. The government isn't ready to declare a state of emergency yet, but you can bet that people are getting pretty anxious. This could be the worst luau-related disaster we've seen since the poi famine back in the seventies. I think we should all get on the phone to our members of Parliament, just go right on down to the Seven-Eleven and get on the phone and tell them to get to work and do something about this problem.

We'll keep you posted on developments in this breaking story.

We have an update on the pig crisis. The government of Fatatatutti has put out a call to neighbouring countries to send us pigs. We are willing, of course, to pay a premium price. The Prime Minister is going to issue a press release, later today we think, to fill us in on what the government is doing. We'll have that for you as soon as we get it and we will interrupt programming to get the news to you as quickly as possible.

We interrupt this program to bring you an address from the Prime Minister of Fatatatutti. Ladies and gentlemen, the Prime Minister:

Good afternoon. It's a beautiful day in Fatatatutti.

The members of Parliament from all parties have banded together to pass an emergency Pig Act - the members of the Sefer Torah party and the Muslim Union abstained. The Act enables Parliament to allocate discretionary funds for the purchase of pigs during National Luau Week. There will be no shortage of pigs during the festival.

The Act applies only for the duration of the festival, so until midsummer or so. By that time, we hope to have plans in place to ensure a stable long-term pig supply.

On behalf of the government of Fatatatutti, I assure you that the crisis is over. I urge you to please use pigs responsibly.

Happy luaus!

Thank you, Mr. Prime Minister. Well, that's a relief to us all, I'm sure. A pig subsidy. Our tax dollars at work. We can all rest easy now.

And now, back to our regular-scheduled programming.

Radio Fatatatutti is getting involved in the Adopt-a-Submarine program. As you know, it can get pretty lonely for our boys and girls out there on the ocean waves and under the ocean waves, so the Adopt-a-Submarine program tries to remind them that our hearts are with them even if we can't be with them in person.

The Adopt-a-Submarine foundation is encouraging Fatatatutians of all ages to remember our boys and girls at sea. Send them an email, send them a postcard, knit them a pair of socks. It gets cold at the bottom of the ocean. I don't know how we're going to get those socks to them but we'll work on that.

Just send your greetings and your socks and your cookies to the station.... Well, better not send cookies to the station. They won't last long around here. But send it all here or straight to the Adopt-a-Submarine foundation and it will get to our boys and girls under the waves. Every little bit is appreciated.

In today's news, traffic was backed up for a couple of hours near the airport while a family of ducks made their way across the highway. Several flights were delayed - not the duck flights, the human flights - because the crews were stranded on the road. The Department of Transport has considered building a duck crossing, an overpass of some sort, but the cost is considered to be too high and the ducks won't pay their share. For those who don't know, the low marshy area near the airport is a popular nesting ground for ducks. I don't know off-hand why they cross the road, to get to the other side, I suppose. Let's just be thankful that they didn't decide to fly into some plane's engine.

Ironically, one of the stranded vehicles was a refrigerator truck full of frozen ducks, bound for Safeway stores all over the city. Fortunately, all of the ducks, both alive and frozen, arrived at their destinations safely.

It's Monday morning in beautiful downtown Fatatatutti. People are on their way to work, some of them anyway. Friday-night luaus are winding down.

The temperature is, surprise, 26 degrees Celsius. That's 79 degrees Fahrenheit for our foreign friends. Try saying that fast three times. There's not a cloud in the sky. Well, there is a cloud in the sky. There's always a cloud in the sky. That's just an expression. But it isn't a very big cloud. It doesn't look like we'll have any rain today, except maybe later on to cool down the evening.

In the news.... Well, there isn't any news. Nothing has happened yet today. Mondays tend to be slow getting off the ground but we'll be sure to get back to you the minute anything does happen.

Traffic is light this morning, so you shouldn't have any trouble getting to work, if that's where you're headed. Better get a move on if you want to be there in time for coffee. Or, you could go to the beach.

We have a fly in the booth here that's driving me crazy. I don't know if you can hear it on your radios but he's been buzzing around here all morning. He never seems to get tired. I don't think he's landed once in the past two hours. I think he's some kind of super fly. We've got the door open so he can find his way out. I'm assuming it's a he. So, if you hear some funny noises in the background, that's just coming from outside....

Yes, I do think our listeners are interested.

Uh... we have a call coming in. I'll just put it through. Which button is it? Uhh... okay, got it. Caller, you're on the air.

This is Mavis Wilton from the Fatatatutti Tourist Bureau.

Good morning, Mavis. What can we do for you today?

Well, I just wanted to say that we don't have a fly problem in Fatatatutti.

I'm sorry but we do have a fly problem here at the studio.

I just don't want you to give people the impression that we have a lot of flies in Fatatatutti, because we don't.

Well, we have at least one, and he's pretty annoying. At least, I think it's a he.

I just don't want you to give tourists the wrong impression.

Okay, Mavis. I'll clear that up right away. Thanks for calling.

Mavis Heaton, ladies and gentlemen, from the Fatatatutti Tourist Bureau. She just wanted me to remind you that we only have one fly in Fatatatutti and he's right here in our studio, so he won't bother you anywhere else on the island. At least, I think it's a he.

We have a call. Go ahead, caller. What's your name?

Choo-Choo.

What a lovely name. What can we do for you today, Choo-Choo?

Is this a long distance call? I'm not supposed to make long-distance calls.

That depends on where you're calling from. Where are you?

I'm at home.

And where do you live?

By the beach.

Do you know what street you live on?

It's the one in front of my house.

I see. Well, let's not worry about that then. Did you have something you wanted to ask us?

Yes. Have you seen my duck?

Your duck?

His name is Alphonse.

I'm sorry. We don't have any ducks around here but we'll keep an eye out for him.

Thank you.

You're welcome. I'm sure he'll turn up. They usually do. Thanks for calling.

There you have it, ladies and gentlemen. Missing duck. Answers to 'Alphonse'. Let us know if you see him.

The Allied States of Tutlingburg would be honored if Radio Fatatatutti would become the first foreign radio station to be broadcast nationwide.

We're happy to announce that Radio Fatatatutti is now serving the proud nation of Tutlingburg and the entire tri-Tutling area. Welcome Tutlingburgers. Feel free to call in your requests, jokes, recipes....

Our PM would be honored to be interviewed on your station, if possible, to help relations between our two great nations.

We would be happy to interview the Prime Minister of Tutlingburg. Just have him call in any time.

I'm going to play a bit from this comedy album.... This is Shecky Kwanza-Liebowicz, live at the Fatatatutti Bowl.

Okay, okay, okay.... You know when you get off the plane and you ask yourself, 'Am I in the right place?' because every airport looks the same? Well, here's how you can tell if you're in Fatatatutti.

If you get into a taxi at the airport and it's got a surfboard on the roof-rack, you might be in Fatatatutti.

If the taxi driver stops half-way to your destination to catch a wave, you might be in Fatatatutti.

If somebody borrows your taxi while you're waiting for the driver to come back, you might be in Fatatatutti.

If the guy that borrows the taxi is a police officer, you might be in Fatatatutti.

If the police officer takes your taxi on a high-speed chase, up to twenty kilometers per hour, with you in the back... you might be in Fatatatutti.

If you nearly crash into a bus on that high-speed chase and it says 'Bus' on the side, just to avoid confusion, you might be in Fatatatutti.

If the criminal stops in mid-high-speed-chase to pick up his kids at school, you might be in Fatatatutti.

If there isn't enough room for all of his kids in the getaway car, so he puts half of them in the taxi with you and the police officer and continues the high-speed chase to his house to drop them off... you might be in Fatatatutti.

And finally... if you get home... IF you get home... and the next Christmas you get a Christmas card from the taxi driver, the police officer, the escaping criminal AND from every one of his children, then you KNOW that you've been in Fatatatutti....

Thank you.... Thank you....

That was Shecky Kwanza-Liebowicz. He'll be at the Airport Milton Motel for the rest of the week.

Well, big news today. We have a new coffee maker here at the station. It's... black. The coffee maker. I suppose the coffee will be black too.... You put the water in the top and the coffee comes out the bottom. I think you have to put some coffee in too.... Well, Denise, Debbie? Louise? The girl who works in the front office, she runs the whole place, actually. She knows how to work it. So, we'll be drinking a lot of coffee around here. If I seem to be talking faster, that's probably why. I guess all of you will have to drink more coffee too and that will even everything out.

This message has been brought to you by Bruddah's Place, where there's always a pig in the ground and the pineapple brandy flows like coconut wine. Hmm, I sense a theme there. Get your reservations for National Luau Week. Nah, just kidding. You don't need reservations. There's always room for one more at Bruddah's Place. Five hundred locations near you. Nah, just kidding. I don't know how many locations there are, but it's never too far to Bruddah's Place.

News items from the Fanny Moo (http://www.nswiki.net/index.php?title=Fanny_Moo) Examiner On Line (http://www.nswiki.net/index.php?title=Fanny_Moo_Examiner_On-Line)

http://i55.photobucket.com/albums/g136/regnans/East%20Gippsland/examiner.gif

LYPTOO FAMILY MANAGE TO CONSTRUCT STABLE ATTIC

NationStates highest human tree-dwellers may have added to their own record. According to official NationStates records (http://www.nswiki.net/index.php?title=NS_International_Records#Building_Records), their house, at 131.7 metres (or 432 feet for some of you) is the highest human dwelling in a tree.

For many years, the family have been trying to construct an attic to make the record even more stratospheric, but structural problems have kept them at bay. "Once, everything except the floor fell out of the tree," says antilyptoo, mother of four. "We didn't let on and lived for a few months up there under tarpaulins. It was a good thing too, coz when we rebuilt the house we solved the structural problems and were finally able to build the attic. It's three metres above the floor of the rest of the house so we reckon we've set a new world record."

Officials from the NationStates Interanational Verification Committee will inspect the tree house sometime in the next three months to see if it conforms with record requirements.

CALLS FOR BLOOD SUCKING COMPETITION TO BE RESTARTED

Fanny Moo's once famous annual blood sucking competition (http://www.nswiki.net/index.php?title=Fanny_Moo#Bloodsucking) have not been held now for many years - ever since the scandal involving giant two-headed leeches (http://www.nswiki.net/index.php?title=Giant_Two-Headed_Leech).

http://i55.photobucket.com/albums/g136/regnans/East%20Gippsland/Gianttwo-headedleechcut.jpg

Since then the costs of testing for drug cheating and genetic engineering have become affordable, according to some, making a new competition feasible.

The mayor of Fanny Moo, rangloo, isn't so sure. "I'm not yet convinced that tests exist that will reliably pick up all enhancing drugs or genetic engineering. I would really hate to see some competitor, undeserving or otherwise, sucked dry by a mutated or doped up leech."

ERRINUNDERA MAKING TENTATIVE STEPS TOWARD INTERNATIONAL ENGAGEMENT (I)

Following the entry of local soccer teams in international club championships (http://www.nswiki.net/index.php?title=TakilQuip_Champions%E2%80%99_Cup_11) recently, (including our own Ootopia), the Errinundera Football Association (http://www.nswiki.net/index.php?title=Errinundera_Football_Association) has put in a bid to host the Baptism of Fire 33 (http://forums.jolt.co.uk/showpost.php?p=14661431&postcount=9082).

Apparently, all matches will be played in other parts of the country. Well, bugger that. You won't get any further reports from us.

ERRINUNDERA MAKING TENTATIVE STEPS TOWARD INTERNATIONAL ENGAGEMENT (II)

Underground relays, set up by Radio hams and computer nerds, of the fascinating and sidesplitting Radio Fatatatutti broadcasts have become a cult hit throughout Errinundera (http://www.nswiki.net/index.php?title=Errinundera). So much so, they have even out-rate the EBC (http://www.nswiki.net/index.php?title=Errinundrian_Broadcasting_Corporation) in the 2am to 5am timeslot.

Following a petition, signed by over 115 million people along with 35 sniffer wombats (http://www.nswiki.net/index.php?title=Sniffer_Wombat) and 6 potoroos, the EBC has decided to make a formal request to Radio Fatatatutti to broadcast some of their programming in a more legitimate way.

Local nerd, lassalvu, is ecstatic. "They're more Errinundrian than many Errinundrians I've met, particularly some of those boring old farts from the EBC. I sure hope RF will come to the party. It's gonna a good one, with lots of depa."

Here at the Examiner we aren't so sure about those alleged potoroo signatures.

Umm... I'm sorry, listeners. We apologize for that burst of static. It seems that somebody was trying to transmit pictures, of all things, on our frequency.

Radio Fatatatutti would like to remind our listeners that we are happy to accept their contributions. But please remember that this is a radio station. Things like pictures and faxes... well, they just screw everything up.

Now, back to our regular programming... I hope.

Do you like the beach?
Do you like the sea?
Do you like to party?

Then come to Creek Bay, the A.S.T.'s some popular vacation spot. Come tan on our world famous beaches then go take a dip in the sea before you eat in one of our many five-star restaurants. Don't like the sun, no problem, as Creek Bay is the party capital of the country. Next month don't miss famous DJ Alison Wimberly, as she spins her records at Club Nightlight.

So visit Creek Bay, only two hours from Tutlingburg City.

Paid for by the Allied States of Tutlingburg Department of Tourism

Well, there you go. Tutlingburg sounds like a little piece of Fatatatutti. I don't think we have any five-star restaurants here, though. I went to a starfish restaurant once but that's an acquired taste. Tutlingburg, just like home, only farther away. That's going to be our slogan, I think.

Well, the doughnut box is running on empty and Mrs. Wogus was going to send us some pineapple upside-down cake but it seems to have gotten lost in the mail. No wonder those postal workers are so fat. So, it looks like it's time for a Tim Hortons run. I'm going to put on an extra-long record. This is a special ukulele version of Bohemian Rhapsody. I think it's by Beethoven or Black Sabbath, something with a 'B' anyway. I'll be back as soon as I can. If the record is over before I get back, just hum to yourselves or something.

Well, big news today. Fatatatutti is sending a hockey team - that's ice hockey - to a tournament in Falkasia. I was watching it on TV the other night. I wonder how many bags of ice it takes to fill that thing. Anyway, the girls are pretty new to the whole thing. I don't think any of them has actually played before. But we have high hopes for them. All of their equipment is being provided by Fatatatutian Tire. For our foreign listeners, Fatatatutian Tire is one of our biggest retailers of hardware and sporting goods, housewares, that sort of thing. I think you can probably get tires there too. So, they've managed to scour the world for the finest hockey equipment. Possibly some of it will be available in their stores, so you can try it out for yourselves. I don't know where you're going to get all that ice though. So, let's all support our national team. I think there's still time to see them off at the airport and, of course, we'll be waiting to welcome them home. Bring home a trophy, girls.

*Yawwwwn* Another sleepy Monday morning here on the island of Fatatatutti. There's no traffic in the streets. No, I mean it's really dead out there. It's like some science fiction movie. Did the world come to an end and nobody told me?

Oh, wait, there's a car. And another one. Okay, panic over.

In the news today... um....

In sports, our National Ice Hockey Team is still on their way to that tournament in Falkasia. No updates from there yet, but we'll keep you posted as soon as we hear anything. We're trying to line up some interviews with the team members. I suppose it's too late to arrange for broadcasting the games. A couple of days ago, most people in Fatatatutti had never heard of ice hockey and now we have a national team. Just goes to show you what Fatatatutians can accomplish. Fatatatutians. Scared of nothing.

Sooo... I guess I'll put a record on. Stay tuned, in case something happens.

We have a treat for you today. I'm on the phone with Fabien Smith of the Fatatatutian National Ice Hockey team, the Valkyries. Fabien, are you there?

It's pronounced 'Fabby-yen'.

I'm sorry, Fabien. Fabien, is that right? Fabien, are you related to the famous Smiths of Fatatatutti?

Everybody in Fatatatutti is related.

I know. I mean, are you closer to the Smiths than you are to me, for instance?

I'm close to some Smiths. I don't know all of them.

Okay. Anyway, what we're here to talk about is ice hockey.

They just call it 'hockey' here.

Okay. So, how's it going there in Falkasia? Are you adjusting to the climate?

Well, it's pretty cold. I guess it has to be for the ice.

Yes, I'm sure it does. Now, I understand that you've never skated on ice before.

No. None of the girls have. I'm the only one who's never played hockey before though.

The other girls have played on regular inline skates?

Yes. Erica and Zandy have a lot of experience. Alex and Kelly are new this year. I think Debbie played last year. She's played a lot of sports. She's really old. Sorry, Deb.

You were quite a speed-skating star, I understand.

I wouldn't say a 'star', exactly. I only switched to speed skating a year or so ago because street luge is too dangerous.

Oh, I hope you didn't get hurt.

No, not seriously. I scuffed up the kevlar pretty bad a few times. We used to wear kevlar to prevent road rash. But I quit after I went under a logging truck once in practise. The drive shaft was about a centimeter from my nose.

Yikes. So, you're playing it safe, now.

Well, with the suit of armour they expect us to play in, I feel a lot safer. I can hardly move though.

Well, we certainly wish you girls a lot of luck. I'm sure you'll do us proud. Is there anything you'd like to say to your fans before we sign off?

I'd just like to thank them for all the support. There were a few hundred people at the airport to see us off, even though we didn't know ourselves when we were leaving. Try and watch the games if you get a chance. I think they're being televised in Falkasia.

All right, we'll certainly do that. Thanks, Fabien.

You're welcome.

We've been talking to Fabien Smith, that's 'Fab' Smith, of the mighty Valkyries. Nice girl. We're going to try to get some of the other girls on during the tournament.

We have another member of the flying Valkyries on the line today, Debbie "Guns" Gershon, the captain of the team. She's a defenseman, or defensewoman, I guess. I forgot to mention yesterday that our guest, Fabien Smith plays right wing. That sounds ominous, doesn't it? Who knew that ice hockey was so political? Anyway, one of our listeners called in to tell us that. We love you, Fab. All political differences aside, we're rooting for you.

So we have Debbie Gershon with us today. Debbie?

Hi, Rick.

Welcome to Radio Fatatatutti, Debbie. You're the captain of the Valkyries?

I think they only picked me because I'm the oldest. I'm a mother figure to them.

I see. I heard a rumour that you're a mother in real life too. Is that right?

Yes. I have three wonderful little monsters. Hi, kids. Mommy loves you.

It must be hard being away from them.

You don't have any kids, do you? No, seriously, it is hard. But it gives them a chance to spend some time with their father, my ex, so I think it's good for them.

And the Valkyries are like a substitute family to you?

Well, not yet, but I guess we're headed in that direction. Fab and Kiki are really young, so I kinda feel like a mother to them. And Alex is really shy and she doesn't have a mother. Erica is like a sister. Zandy is kind of aloof, so I haven't really gotten to know her yet.

Are you all playing well together as a team?

I guess so, considering the fact that none of us had even met a week ago and none of us had ever played the game.

What are you finding most difficult about adjusting to the ice surface?

That's a good question. We haven't actually played yet. We've only practised. But I suppose we each have our own difficulties to overcome. For Fabien, it's stopping. She's used to going flat out instead of the stop-and-go of hockey. For Alex, she's having trouble with the different feel of the surface. And she's a bit timid about the sharp skates. For myself, I'm not sure what it is.

I suppose your coach is helping you with your individual problems and trying to get you working together. How are you getting along with him? From what I hear, Ernie can be a bit gruff.

Oh, Ernie's just a big softie. He's probably seen more inline hockey than all of us put together so he knows what we should be doing, even if he can't always get it across to us. He's loud, but even Alex isn't afraid of him. You can be afraid of him if you want.

I'm afraid of all of you. We're hoping to get Ernie on here later in the week. He must be pretty busy keeping all of you in line.

He's been spending a fair bit of time chatting up the woman who runs the sound system too. I don't think he has romantic intentions though, and I hope he isn't leading her on.

So, what's his angle?

Rumour has it he's trying to talk her into playing Wagner's Ride of the valkyries every time we come onto the ice and every time we score a goal.... I just hope we get a chance to hear it.

We all do, Debbie. I understand you have to go now. Time is pressing, getting ready for that first big game. Do you want to say hello to your kids?

Yes. Hi, Megan, Carlos, Tiff. Mommy loves you. Be good for daddy. I'll be home as soon as I can.

And bring us home a trophy.

Yeah, sure. I have a shelf cleared off for the booby prize.

Any prize counts, Debbie. The people of Fatatatutti are with you, win or lose.

Thanks, Rick, and thanks to everybody who's supporting us.

Thanks for coming on to talk to us. Ladies and gentlemen, Debbie "Guns" Gershon of the Valkyries ice hockey team. I forgot to ask her about her nickname. She's gone now? Too bad. Anyway, keep supporting the girls over there in, uh... Falkasia. We love you, girls.

Today we're talking to Kelly 'Kiki' Kamehameha. If that name sounds familiar to you, her father is the famous Bruddah Kamehameha, the owner and host of the chain of Bruddah's restaurants, at a location near you. Hello, Kelly. Welcome to Radio Fatatatutti.

Hi. It's good to be here.

Is it 'Kiki' or 'Kelly'?

It doesn't matter, whichever you like.

I like 'Kiki'. I had a cat by that name once. So, Kiki, we hear you girls have been quite the party animals over there in Falkasia.

I don't know about that. We found a little Fatatatutian restaurant. It's run by a friend of my father's. He knows everybody in the world in the food business. I don't know if it's even really Fatatatutian but the food is good. We've been having them deliver to the hotel. Some people have complained about the noise. And we're still on Fatatatutti time, so....

So at least you're eating well. Are you watching your weight at all?

No, I eat pretty much anything I want. We need a lot of energy here anyway, because of the cold and because we're working hard. So we're eating our roast pig and our poi just like at home. It's hard to get good poi off-island.

Don't I know it.

And I managed to get a hold of a couple of gallons of coconut wine. Maybe that's where the party stories got started. You can't get good coconut wine off-island either.

So, are there a lot of Fatatatutians in Falkasia?

I wouldn't have thought so, but we're signing autographs all the time. We brought a whole hockey bag full of pineapples from home and we've been giving them away like mad.

Well, I'm glad to hear you're having a good time up there. You haven't played any games yet?

No. I don't know when this thing's going to get off the ground. It's not that I'm in a hurry, but I do have to get back to school.

Yes. Kelly is a student at the University of Fatatatutti, I believe?

That's right.

Studying restaurant management? Going to take over the family business?

I don't know about that. I haven't really chosen a major yet.

Okay, we just have a minute left. I suppose we should say something about hockey. Is the team ready?

Well, it's hard to get ready when you don't know what you're doing. Coach got us some tapes and we've been watching them but it's not the same as being on the ice. I think we're going to have to learn by doing. At least we get to see one game before we have to play, unless they change the schedule.

I'm sure you'll do just fine. There's nothing a Fatatatutian can't do when she puts her mind to it. That's what my mother used to tell me and she managed to raise me, so that was no mean feat. Kelly, Kiki, it's been fun having you on the show. I know you have to get back to practice so we won't keep you any longer.

Thanks. Tell all the people back home to keep an eye out for our games.

I will. Ladies and gentlemen, Kiki Kamehameha, one of the best-known names in Fatatatutti and I think that young lady is going to be just as famous as her father.

We export blue cheese and red wine for only $9.98.

We export blue cheese and red wine for only $9.98.

I take it your red wine only comes in grape?

Well, finally we managed to get the coach of the flying Valkyries on our show, Coach Ernie Shack on the phone from Falkasia. Welcome, Coach.

Good to be here, Rick.

So, just between you and me, coach, how are the girls shaping up? Wait a minute. Don't take that the wrong way. I mean, how is the team shaping up?

Well, I'd say they have real potential. A few days ago, none of them had ever skated on ice and today, well, they're skating and they're not falling down nearly as much. I've seen the locals play, well, the kids anyway, and I think our girls can give them a run for their money.

You're not talking about winning the tournament?

Well, I think first place might be a bit over-optimistic. I never like to say never but I think realistically, we might be able to aim for third.

Third place? Well, that would be impressive for their first outing, wouldn't it? What do you think the girls need to work on for that to happen? Skating? Shooting? Passing?

I think Guns told you the other day that they all have their own areas where they need improvement. Like I said earlier, they've all improved a lot in their skating, now that they've actually done some. And some of the girls have some experience in inline hockey, so the shooting and passing aren't all that different. All in all, I'd say they're shaping up pretty well. If we had another month to prepare, I'd be aiming for second or even first place.

Speaking of another month, is there any indication yet when the action is going to actually start?

Nothing definite. I think they're on Fatatatutti time here, which is to our advantage. Time is on our side. Unfortunately, this tournament is coming at a bad time for us, right in the middle of the luau festival. The girls are a bit distracted and that's understandable. They'd like to be home with their families but at the same time, they're proud to be here representing Fatatatutti.

And Fatatatutti is proud of them too. Now, we know you have to go and whip them into shape some more. That didn't sound right either, did it? You have to go and hone their training a bit more. Thanks for being here, Coach.

Thanks for all the coverage, Rick. I can see a real future for ice hockey in Fatatatutti, if we can find a way to keep the ice from melting.

Well, I'm sure our scientists are working on that problem. Ladies and gentlemen, that was Coach Ernie Shack, the coach of Fatatatutti's very own Valkyries ice hockey team.

In the news today, a truckload of fireworks has gone missing. That's ten tons or so of highly dangerous explosives, probably on it's way to the National Luau Week celebration. So, whoever has them, if you borrowed them, be careful. The authorities are saying that you should not try to set them all off at once. Again, do not set them all off at once. And if you do, be sure everybody gets a chance to see them. I have a note here from the Ajax Transport Company. I think they own the truck. They're asking you to please unload the truck before setting off the fireworks because they would like the truck back if at all possible. We all love a good fireworks show but there's no sense in ruining a good truck. And I don't know if destruction by fireworks is covered by insurance.

Well, here we are again, another beautiful Sunday morning in Fatatatutti. Some places it's Easter Sunday but here it's day three of National Luau Week. We've had some live coverage of the festivities and we're going to have more of that later on.

In case anybody's wondering what's become of our coverage of the ice hockey tournament... nobody seems to know. The girls are still down there in Falkasia, or is it up there? Okay, up there in Falkasia. And we're going to try to find out if they're coming home for National Luau Week. We'll get that information to you as soon as we find out anything. If they're staying up there, we'll try to get some more interviews with the girls. There's two or three that we haven't talked to yet. So stay tuned and we'll keep you abreast... I mean we'll keep you appraised of the situation.

Lot's of Luau Fesival action going on today. It's a bit chilly for the beach this morning but we're hoping it'll warm up this afternoon.

The Children's Fesival is continuing downtown - clowns, jugglers, face-painting. So, if you're thinking of renovating the kids' faces, get down there and check that out.

If you're a little more on the intellectual side, the Public Library is having a used book sale. That's at the main branch, I believe, which is right downtown too. So, while the kids are being painted, you can drop down there and pick up some bargains. They're selling them by the kilo, a kilo of books for one USD. How many books are there in a kilo, I wonder?

If you need any information about any specific event, you can call the station. We'll tell you everything we know, or at least we'll make something up. If you want accurate information, there are several government offices you can call. If I knew what they were, I'd be glad to tell you. Try the Yellow Pages, I guess. Look under Department of Luau Affairs or something like that.

We'll be down there live again later today, so stay tuned. Right now, I think it's time for brunch, so I'm going to put a big stack of records on.

We have an unconfirmed report that the Valkyries ice hockey team is coming home from Falkasia. We don't know if the tourmanent has been cancelled or postponed. The report is unconfirmed. We'll keep you up to date as soon as we learn anything. And if the girls are coming home, I'm sure a lot of you will want to be at the airport to welcome them, so we'll try to get you some information on their arrival time. But for now, remember that the report is unconfirmed. So don't go down to the airport yet. It's crowded enough down there with the Luau Week celebrations. We'll let you know as soon as possible what's happening.

We have big news today. General Castro-Stalina, our national hero, is on her way home to take part in the luau festival. No word yet on when she's due to arrive. I'm told she has a stop to make on the way. We'll let you know when you can go to meet her at the airport. I'm sure that will stop traffic for miles around, so let's wait until we get a confirmed sighting. There's a ticker-tape parade planned to welcome the General home, so be sure to bring your ticker tape, whatever that is.

Well, it's chirping crickets down here at the studio today. Everybody who has pull with the boss is down at the beach. I'm all by myself, watching the computer in case any news comes in about the world coming to an end or something like that. And they probably wouldn't notice if the world did come to an end.

But at least they let me talk to you good folks once in a while when they have better things to do *ahem*.

Soooo.... no more news on General Castro-Stalina's arrival... no more news on the National Hockey Team... the world hasn't come to an end, as far as we know.... If it did, I'm not sure who'd tell us.

Debbie, Denise? Louise? the girl who runs the office, isn't in today either, so I'm making my own coffee. And that's no picnic, believe you me.

I guess I'll put a record on, in case anybody would rather listen to recorded music than live music, and go and play another thousand games of Free Cell. I'll be back when I get bored.

I've been asked to pass on to our listeners some information about museums in Fatatatutti. Now, the Luau Festival is mostly a social thing but for some people, a little social interaction goes a long way. I've even heard it said that Fatatatutti's legendary friendliness is seen by some people almost as stalking. So, for anybody who wants to learn about our culture in a slightly less in-your-face way, here are some museums you might want to visit.

For a start, we have three, count 'em three, whaling museums in the local area. This is just in the local area, mind you, near Fatatatutti. If you want a list of whaling museums, or any other museums, on the whole island, try Googling it.

First, we have a real whaling ship, the Cetacean. That's down by the waterfront. You might have seen it already. It's pretty tall. It's bolted to the dock, apparently, so no need to worry about sinking or getting seasick. I was down there with the kids a while ago. You're not supposed to climb on the rigging or anything but the commisionaire was looking the other way and... well, there were no serious injuries. So, if you're interested in seeing how the whalers lived when they first came to Fatatatutti a couple of centuries ago, head down there. They'll row you around the harbour in a whaleboat... at least I think that was part of the tour. Maybe it was just the kids being exhuberant.

Then there's a little place, also down by the waterfront but it's harder to find because it's sandwiched in between a Chinese restaurant and a dry-cleaning shop. They have a collection of harpoons and other pointy things that the whalers used to use to hunt whales. No throwing the pointy things, please. And they have a collection of scrimshaw - that's whales' teeth with little pictures etched on them, like ships and whaling scenes and so on. Those whales had pretty big teeth - still do, I guess, the ones that are still alive.

Then there's the big new museum by the University. It's not about whaling, really. It's more about whales. They have some full-sized whales down there - not live whales, of course. I think they're stuffed, or fiberglass. You can walk all around them. They're plenty big. And you can learn all about what they eat and where they go to school and so on. When you're done, you'll know more about whales than they know about themselves.

And there's also a boat or two down at the harbour that will take you out whale-watching, if you want to see them close up. You'll have to look those up in the Yellow Pages.

So, get on down there and learn everything you can about whales. There's going to be a quiz. Nah, just kidding. I already told you everything I know about whales. But that should keep you busy for a day or two. I'll have some information for you about coconut museums and pineapple museums another time.

Radio Fatatatutti is becoming very popular amongst Deadman Troops off-duty. Government Officials are deciding whethere it is suitable for all Citizens.

Radio Fatatatutti is suitable for everybody, all the time. Super-glue your dials on Radio Fatatatutti. Keep the kids out of school. Quit your jobs. Don't sleep, you might miss something.

Now, back to your regular programming....

More information for you from the Tourist Bureau of Fatatatutti. They sent me a really long memo, I mean a really long memo about museums in Fatatatutti. I'm going to read it to you a little bit at a time.

For today, we have surfing museums. Who would have thought there'd be museums dedicated to surfing? But we have right here the Fatatatutti Surfing Museum. That's just down the airport road, on the outskirts of town, just before you get to the beach. Watch for signs. They show the history of surfboards. I think they're sponsored by one of the big surfboard manufacturers. There's also a surfing school right next door. I don't know if they're affilaited but you can take your pick - try it or just look.

And right here downtown - I pass it every day on my way to work - there's the Surfing Hall of Fame. That's not to be confused with the National Sports Hall of Fame. This one is just about surfing. They have all the records, everything you wanted to know about all your favorite surfers, guys like.... Well, I can't think of any names off-hand but they're pretty famous.

So get out and check those out, if it's raining or if your life-jacket is at the cleaners.

We have an update on General Castro-Stalina. We've been told that she's on a plane and on her way back home. We just don't know where the plane is. Apparently, it's been diverted - some military mission, no doubt - so we have no clear idea when she'll be arriving. But she is on her way. Now, remember, don't crowd the airport yet because there are still a lot of tourists arriving and we don't want them to be inconvenienced, do we? We'll get the General's arrival time out to you as soon as we learn anything.

I have some more information on local museums for you. Let's see... how about coconuts today?

Probably the first place you'll want to visit is the coconut winery. That's not a museum, exactly, but they do have tours and I think they even give you a little taste at the end. Don't quote me on that. If you've never tasted coconut wine, well, what have you been doing with your lives? They'll show you the whole process down there, from the coconuts... well, all the way to the wine. I don't know what goes on in between, but you will when you've been through the tour. Coconut wine. You can really taste the coconut.

Or, if you're not quite that adventurous, there's the Museum of the Coconut. I haven't been there myself, so it's going to be a bit of a surprise for you. It says here that it covers the whole history of the coconut and its interactions with mankind.... So, nothing about monkeykind?

And another coconut-related museum, not about coconuts themselves but coconut-related, is at the Fatatatutti Mint. As you might know, our local currency, the coco, used to actually be made from coconut shells, so they'll tell you all about that down there. I'm pretty sure they don't give out samples but it doesn't hurt to ask.

Myself, I like to sit on the beach and watch the kids climb the coconut trees. Not very educational, but it keeps them out of trouble. Just make sure they have something soft to fall on, like sand.

You can go to a coconut farm, plantation? ranch? and see where your coconuts come from. I don't think there's anything scary in that, no blood and guts. Coconuts don't have blood and guts, do they? No, I didn't think so. You'll have to check the Yellow Pages for the ones that give tours. Look under Coconut Farm. I guess.

So, you could probably spend your whole holiday on Fatatatutti learning about coconuts. Won't that impress them back home?

But save some time for the pineapples. Wait till you hear about the pineapples. Mmm... you can really taste the pineapple. But that's for another time.

Here you go. I know you've been awake nights waiting for this - the Radio Fatatatutti guide to pineapple museums.

You may be sensing a trend here. The first place on my list is the pineapple brandy distillery. I think they make wine out of pineapples too, but this stuff is for the big boys, and big girls too, I guess - no discrimination when it comes to brandy.

You can take a tour of your local pineapple farm, if you like. Pineapples aren't all that interesting while they're growing. They just sit there growing. You can't climb them or anything. In fact, the farmers tend to get quite irate if you try to climb them. They poke you with pitchforks. Don't ask me how I know that. Let's just say that the some pineapple brandy was involved.

And, of course, no trip to Fatatatutti would be complete without a visit to one of our many bake sales, where the speciality is usually pineapple upside-down cake. If Fatatatutti had a national dish, and if that dish wasn't roast pig, it would probably be pineapple upside-down cake. I hear our pineapple scientists are experimenting with pineapple rightside-up cake and even pineapple sideways cake, but for now, the upside-down cake can't be beat. I even know a lady who soaks her pineapple upside-down cake in pineapple brandy, but that isn't for the kiddies, especially if they're driving.

As you might know, our armed forces are funded entirely by these bake sales, so get out there and support our boys and girls in camouflage. You never know, there might be one hiding right in your own back yard.

You can find a bake sale almost anywhere, any time, so I don't need to bore you with the details. Just turn around. There's probably a bake sale sneaking up on you right now.

Whew! Never has anybody said the word 'pineapple' so many times in such a short period of time. There wasn't much in there about museums, though, was there?

Good morning, loyal listeners, more important information from our beloved Tourist Bureau. Here's a good one, the National Museum of Culture. Wait, don't nod off yet. This isn't opera or ballet or anything like that. It's Fatatatutian culture.

Take the hula for instance. I happen to know that they have live hula demonstrations with real girls in grass skirts and leis. Not to discriminate against the boys but they just can't hula like the girls. It's about skeletal structure, not gender.

Here's a bit of trivia for you. The coconut shells aren't part of the traditional costume. They're just to avoid offending visitors. Now, I don't know what's so offensive about a girl without coconut shells but then I'm no visitor. So, they don't wear coconut shells at the National Museum. They're all authentic. That reminds me of the joke about what Fatatatutians wear under a grass skirt, but I can't tell that one on the air.

They also have war canoes down there and war clubs.... Don't get the wrong idea. We're not a warlike people. You're not likely to get clubbed walking down the street. Come to think of it, I'm not sure what war clubs have to do with culture. I wonder if there's a museum somewhere for just war clubs?

Here's another one, a traditional Fatatatutian village from hundreds of years ago. All the activities are re-enacted by students on their summer break. They have hula dancing there too - I don't know about coconut shells. You'll have to find that out for yourselves. And war dances. No, we're really not that warlike anymore. And they have canoe-paddling and canoe-making and poi-making. Well, you could spend a whole day there.

So, there you have it. Get out there and soak up all the Fatatatutian culture you can. It's not just for foreigners either. I bet there are people who've lived here all their lives who've never seen an authentic Fatatatutian village. Give it a try and report back to me ASAP.

First, I'd like to apologize to the Fatatatutti Opera Society for some remarks that I made recently that might have suggested that opera is boring. As it turns out, opera is not boring after all. It just takes a long time.

Now, for the big news of the day. General Castro-Stalina, probably Fatatatutti's greatest living military hero, is on her way home at last. She's on the plane, they've passed Ang Phillipines and they're due to arrive later today at Fatatatutti International Airport.

So, if you want to welcome her home, I'm sure that will be greatly appreciated. The traffic is going to be bad, so try to car-pool or something... the buses are running. If we all cooperate, I'm sure everything will go smoothly.

We're going to be down there live, in fact, we're just about on our way out the door, so if you can't be there yourselves, stay tuned and we'll keep you up to date. We're going to try to talk to the General herself, but who knows if that will be possible.

Well, the General has arrived. General Castro-Stalina is back home in Fatatatutti. For anybody who missed it, we'll replay a little bit of the, um, interview that our reporter managed to get at the airport.

"She's on the ground. She's waving with both hands. We're trying to get closer but so is everybody else. General? Can you hear me? General?

"She can't hear me yet. The crowd is making so much noise. I don't think I've ever seen a crowd like this. General? Can you hear me?"

"Yes, I can hear you."

"Radio Fatatatutti here. Radio Fatatatutti here. General, welcome home."

"Thank you. It's good to be home."

"General... General... Were you expecting this kind of reception?"

"No... No. I... I don't know what to say. I'm just an ordinary citizen. It's very humbling."

"Well, the whole nation loves you, General. We appreciate what you've done for us and for peace in the world. General?

"The General is moving away from us now, moving toward the terminal. General? General? She can't hear me. We'll try to get closer again but the crowd is going to be really crazy inside the terminal."

That was our reporter talking to General Castro-Stalina earlier in the day. We're all glad to have the General home for National Luau Week.

We don't have any information on what the General will be doing in the next few days. She'll probably be spending some time with her family. I don't know about any public appearances but we'll get that information out to you as soon as we get it.

We're going to try to get the General into our studio for a live interview sometime in the next few weeks, so stay tuned for updates on that.

Once again, General Castro-Stalina has arrived at Fatatatutti International Airport. The General is home.

We have more good news today. Our national ice hockey team is coming home from Falkasia, where they've been playing in their first tournament ever. I don't know how that turned out. We were talking to them every day and then they seemed to just fall off the map.

We'll be trying to get the girls into our studio to tell us about their adventures down there - up there? over there, anyway - how the tournament went and what their future plans are. We talked to some of them on the phone and they seem to be really nice girls, good representatives of Fatatatutti.

We're not sure exactly when they're due to arrive but we'll let you know as soon as we get any information. It would be really nice to have some people down at the airport to welcome them home. I don't know if the airport has recovered yet from General Castro-Stalina's homecoming but let's get down there anyway and show the girls how much we love them.

I'm afraid we dropped the ball somewhere. I've been informed that the Valkyries hockey team has already arrived in Fatatatutti - sorry about the mixed metaphor. Somehow, they got through our Radio Fatatatutti security net and they've been whisked away into the vastness of Fatatatutti in a fleet of aging 500 cc taxis. I apologize for not telling you about it in time to go down and welcome them.

We are trying to contact them at their homes. We hope to get at least a couple of them down here to our studios to talk to us. We do ask, though, that you respect their privacy. Don't go camping on their lawns or peeking in their windows. Let's let them celebrate with their families in their own way.

I don't know if there's going to be an official reception or welcome or anything. I'd say we'll let you know as soon as we find out anything, but I guess our credibility in that area is pretty much in the gutter, isn't it?

Once again, the Valkyries hockey team is home from Falkasia. It's too late to welcome them at the airport. I'm sorry.

Okay, I have something very hush-hush here. Don't quote me on this.

You may have heard of Harmony Chang. Yes, she's one of those Changs. Her father is Prime Minister of Fatatatutti and he has been - off and on - for most of my life. Harmony's a juggler and a clown and she has been a cabinet minister - same difference, I guess. No, no, wait. Please don't audit me. Anyway, Harmony has been on government business all around the world and right now she's in a place called... what is that now? Noordeinde.

She's at a conference on international disaster relief and we happen to have an *ahem* observer at that conference. Now, we don't have much information yet about what's happening at the conference but we do have a rumour that Fatatatutti is about to form an international relief organization of its own. Again, there's no word for sure, but the number that's being bandied about is that one billion cocos - or one billion USD, your choice - is being earmarked for this project. No word yet about ongoing funding.

We're trying to get a hold of government officials here at home to confirm or deny the rumour. We'll keep you up to date as we get more information.

We'll also keep you up to date on the Valkyries hockey team situation. We have spoken to one of the girls, Debbie "Guns" Gershon, and she's willing to give us an interview over the phone - or maybe even in the studio. I'd really like to meet her and the other girls in person.

So, stay tuned.

Well, here we go again. The boss' favourite is down at the beach with all the fun and the food and I'm stuck here in the studio.

But the joke's on him because I've just been on the phone with a pretty young lady from the Valkyries hockey team - at least she sounded pretty on the phone. Miss Debbie Gerson, the team captin... Mrs. Debbie Gershon? She didn't sound married on the phone. Oh, well, it doesn't matter.

The good news is that Debbie's coming down to the studio to talk to me in person. So the boss' favourite might be down at the beach where all the Luau Week action is, but I'll have Debbie 'Guns' Gershon all to myself... unless her husband comes with her, in which case I'll be on my best behaviour.

Now, I don't know if we're doing to record the interview or just go live with it but either way, you won't want to miss it. If you're down at the Luau Week festivities, be sure to bring a radio with you, one of those little ones with the earphones. That's multitasking, folks. No matter what else you're doing, you can always listen to Radio Fatatatutti at the same time.

So, if you have any questions that you'd like me to ask Debbie, just call in.

Well, we had another little talk with Debbie Gershon on the phone today. That's Debbie Gershon from the flying Valkyries hockey team, if you remember. She was supposed to come into the studio to talk to us today but something came up. One of the kids was sick, I think. So she's going to get back to us as soon as she can. I'm looking forward to that.

We're going back down to the booth again soon, live at the Luau Week festivities. I hear they're really living it up down there. They had Bruddah's ribs delivered right to the booth, so I'm thinking of trying that here. The girl who runs our office, Debbie? Denise? Louise? is off for the day - I bet she's down at the celebration too - so I even have to make my own coffee. I wonder if Tim Hortons delivers.

We had some chocolate chip cookies brought in this morning by the Ladies Auxilliary of the Tuesday Division. That's General Castro-Stalina's old outfit, isn't it? Anyway, those were mighty good cookies but they're long gone now. Nothing but a memory.

I wonder if the General bakes, now that she's retuired. That's something we should have asked her. We're trying to get her to come in again and talk to us, so remind me to ask her about the baking.

I think I'm getting delerious with hunger.... No, wait, I'm getting the signal to send you down to the remote booth. So I'm off on my break. I'm going to eat everything in sight, so here you go, cutting to remote....

Well, today we have a special guest in the studio with us, Debbie Gershon, from the national ice hockey team, the Valkyries. Welcome, Debbie. It's nice to finally meet you in person.

"Thanks, Rick. It's good to be here."

So, you're back from Falkasia. Tell us a little bit about your adventures down there. Up there?

"We had a good time in Falkasia. None of us had ever skated on ice before, so that was a lot of fun. As it turns out, it isn't that different from skating on wheels. Of course, it's a lot colder when you fall down. And we met a lot of nice people. The kids had their own little luau festival going on."

By 'kids', you mean the younger members of the team?

"Yes. Kiki Kamehameha and Fab Smith - the 'boobsie twins', we call them. Can I say that on the air? They found a little Fatatatutian restaurant that would deliver to our hotel. I'm not sure how the hotel felt about that - the whole delivery process was pretty cloak-and-dagger. So they were eating almost constantly. I'm not that young any more, so even with all the exercise we were getting, I was a little more careful what I ate."

Speaking of 'kids', I understand you have children of your own? One of them was sick yesterday so you had to postpone our interview?

"All of them were sick, actually. They were with their father down at the luau festival and he stuffed them full of everything they wanted. Then he dumped them back on me when they got sick, as usual."

So they're better now? That's good.

"Yeah. You know how kids are, at death's door when it's time to go to school and roaring out the door as soon as school is over."

So you think it was just a scam to get out of school?

"Who knows? But mom has to be there, right?"

We're all thankful for our mothers. I understand you're a bit of a mother figure to the younger girls on the team.

"Well, I'd like to think of myself more as an older sister. I'm only ten years older than Kiki and Fab."

But they all look up to you. They made you captain.

"They don't play tricks on me in the locker room like they do with each other, if that counts as 'looking up' to me."

What kind of tricks?

"Oh, taping all my equipment together, hiding my street clothes, painting me in the shower...."

See? If they don't do those things to you, it's because they respect you..

"Well, they don't do it to Alex either, because she's very shy and they don't want to hurt her feelings. And they don't dare do it to Erica or Zandy because they'd probably wind up stapled to a flagpole in retaliation."

But the reason they don't do it to you is because they respect you.

"If you say so."

Yes I do. So the tournament in Falkasia fell through. Any idea what happened there?

"No, not really. The schedule was made up and we were ready to watch the first game - because none of us had ever seen a game before, except on TV. Coach got us some tapes. We were supposed to play in the second game but the first game never happened. So, we kept practising for a while, in case anything did happen. But it is Luau Week and everybody wants to be home for Luau Week. So we eventually just packed up and came home."

Yes, I know. We were hoping to send some people down to the airport but you sneaked past us somehow.

"Well, we saw the welcome home for General Castro-Stalina on the news. Not that we expected anything like that for us, but we figured we'd come in the back way quietly."

Okay. We do respect your privacy. We don't want to stalk you but we are interested in you.

"We appreciate that."

So, what are your future plans? Do you plan to keep on playing? Would you go back to Falkasia?

"The government and Fatatatutian Tire have been very generous in their support, so we do want to continue, to show our appreciation. Of course, we don't have an ice surface here in Fatatatutti, so we can only practise on wheels. We'd be happy to go back to Falkasia, or anywhere, to play. Coach was telling me yesterday that there's talk of another tournament, I forget where. We'll be proud to represent Fatatatutti as long as the people want us to."

Well, the people of Fatatatutti are very proud of you already. You're a bunch of fine-looking young women and you're a credit to Fatatatutti in whatever you do.

"Thank you, Rick."

I see that we're out of time. We want to go back to our live coverage of the Luau Week festivities. Of course, you're welcome to come back any time and talk to us some more.

"Thanks, Rick. Maybe I will."

And we'd be glad to talk to any of the other girls too. Thanks again, Debbie. Debbie Gershon, ladies and gentlemen, captain of the flying Valkyries ice hockey team. Eat your hearts out, remote crew.

We have some more information for the tourists out there, or even for the locals. There's a lot to do out there, during Luau Week and all year round - and nobody has done it all.

Have you tried the fishing? Fatatatutti has some of the best fishing in the world. Just go down to the harbour and charter one of the boats. It doesn't cost much if you avoid the tourist traps. I just happen to have a couple of flyers here that mysteriously appeared on my desk....

There's this fellow named Ernie. You have to go down to Wing Lee Lung's - that's in Chinatown, just off Shanghai Alley - and ask for Ernie. If they invite you into the back room to play fantan, don't do it. Ernie will take you out if you beat him at poker dice. His boat is the Margaux. Ernie likes to drink a bit so it might turn into an all-nighter - but he doesn't charge extra for that.

Then there's a boat called the Eel - the captain's name is Scully. Don't let the eye-patch put you off. He says a cat scratched him. You can usually find him tied up at the end of the pier. He likes to be able to get in and out fast. You can hire him for fishing, sight-seeing, salvage, almost anything.

Or, if you're not quite so adventurous, there are a lot of trout-fishing streams.

So, bring home a big one for supper. And feel free to call in and tell us about the big one that got away.

I have Ernie Shack on the phone today. If you remember, he's the coach of the Valkyries hockey team. Ernie, can you hear me?"

I hear you, Rick.

Coach, I'd like to welcome you home.

Thanks, Rick. It's good to be back. They treated us pretty well over in Falkasia but there's no place like home, you know?

That's right. Now, we know you didn't get to play any games over there but you had a lot of time to practise....

Yes, I'm pretty proud of the girls. We went into the tournament expecting to place last but we came home thinking that maybe we had a chance at winning a game or two. The girls worked hard and it's a shame that they didn't get a chance to show their stuff.

Speaking of that, there's a rumour going around about another tournament?

Well, yes there is. I don't want to jinx it by talking too much about it. I'm not sure I should even say where....

I heard it was some place called 'The Fanboyists' - funny name for a country.

Thanks, Rick. We're not getting our hopes up too high. It seems like the girls are poison to any tournament.

I'm sure they'll get a chance to show off eventually. All it takes is persistence.

I hope you're right, Rick.

I know you want to get back to your children and grandchildren and what-have-you, so I won't keep you any longer. Thanks for being with us, Coach.

Thanks for having me, Rick.

That was Coach Ernie Shack of the Valkyries hockey team. He says maybe there's a chance of another tournament, so let's keep our fingers crossed. Now, back down to the waterfront for our continuing live coverage of week three of the National Luau Festival.

Radio Fatatatutti, coming to you live from the window just outside our booth. There's a parade going by. The young fellow who brought our delivery from Tim Hortons told us about it.

Yes, we got Tim Hortons to deliver. Apparently the remote crew down at the beach for Luau Week got Bruddah's Place to deliver some ribs. So we called Tim Hortons and not to be outdone, they sent us some coffee and some doughnuts and some of those muffin things that look healthy but they taste good anyway.

I don't see any elephants, so I don't think it's a circus parade. It doesn't look like a Gay Pride parade either. Maybe it's that ticker-tape parade for General Castro-Stalina. I knew I should have looked up what ticker-tape is. If I saw it, would I recognize it?

There's a brass band. Can you hear them? They're playing the Internationale. Might be a Communist parade.

It's too early for a Santa Claus parade, isn't it? Is there a parade planned to welcome our hockey team home?

Maybe it's a funeral. They do this at funerals sometimes, don't they? Anybody die lately?

I can't see much unless I hang out the window and we're pretty high up here. We're on the second floor, so I don't want to take any chances.

If anybody knows what's going on, please call in and let us know. All this excitement right outside our window and we don't know what it's all about.

We have to cut away now for more live coverage from the beach. We'll let you know later on if we find out anything.

Big, big news today. We're having ribs delivered to the station today, ribs from Bruddah's Place. They're due any time now. I don't know if our friend Choo-Choo is going to deliver them in person....

What's that? They're here? Great! Send them in. No, go ahead, send them right in. Nobody will mind, not if they don't find out about it.

It is Choo-Choo! Come in Choo-Choo. Are those the ribs? They smell pretty good.

Choo-Choo, would you like to be on the radio?

"Okay."

Just sit right down there and talk into that microphone. That's right. Hello, Choo-Choo.

"Hi."

Thank you for bringing the ribs.

"You're welcome. Twenty-two cocos or twenty-two dollars, your choice."

There you go. Keep the change.

"Thank you."

Are you in charge of deliveries now?

"Daddy says I'm not supposed to call people and offer them ribs. But you called me."

Yes I did. And I was lucky that you were there when I called, wasn't I?

"Yes."

We're going to have to find a better way of doing this, because you're not always there, are you?

"No."

Maybe we should get people to sign a petition. Do you know what that is?

"No."

Well, that's when a lot of people sign a paper, like we might get a lot of people to sign a paper asking your daddy to have delivery all the time. Do you think that would work?

"I don't know."

Is your daddy a nice man, Choo-Choo?

"Yes."

And does he like making ribs for people?

"Yes."

Then he could make a lot more people happy by delivering ribs, couldn't he? People who can't get down to the restaurant because they're at work. Would you tell him that for me?

"Okay."

Thank you, Choo-Choo.

"You're welcome."

Are you enjoying National Luau Week, Choo-Choo?

"Yes."

Good. Are you eating a lot of ribs?

"Yes."

Good. And what about pineapple upside-down cake? Are you getting your share of that?

"Yes. I help my sister make pineapple upside-down cake."

Good. Good. Do you get to lick the spoon?

"Alphonse licks the spoon. He isn't supposed to."

Oh, that Alphonse. He's a real card, isn't he?

"No, he's a duck."

Of course he is.

"I have to go now."

Do you have more deliveries to make?

"No. I have to go home for supper."

Okay. Well, thanks again for the ribs. And thanks for talking to us.

"You're welcome."

Ladies and gentlemen, Choo-Choo, live in person. Give her a hand. And when you're done giving her a hand, get out your pencils and papers and send in your postcards and get on the phone.... What was I going to say?

Oh, yes. Let's get to work on that petition to get Bruddah's Place to deliver all the time. Twenty-four seven. Well, at least while I'm at work. Send all of your signatures down to the station and we'll staple them all together or something. Do we have a stapler? Well, we'll look into getting a stapler. Then maybe we can get Choo-Choo to deliver our petition to her father in person. Who could say no to a face like that?

Well, it's May Day in Fatatatutti, International Workers' Day. I know, I know, yesterday was officially May Day but all the workers were at work, so it was postponed until today.

I wonder if that was what that parade was about a couple of days ago? There were playing the Internationale, after all. But that was a day too early. Is somebody still using last year's calendar?

Anyway, get out there and celebrate International Workers' Day. Where would we be without the workers? We'd have to do all the work ourselves.

We're also moving into the fourth week of National Luau Week today. There's still a lot going on. Don't miss it. Our live coverage may be tapering off a bit but don't use that as an excuse. Every day is a luau in Fatatatutti. Celebrate. Do your national duty or you'll be deported or something. Well, probably not, but why take the chance?

We're collecting a lot of signatures already for that petition to have Bruddah's deliver. People are bringing them in to the station on pizza boxes and on the back of old envellopes. One thing, people, please take the bills out of the envellopes before you drop them off. We can't be responsible for paying your bills and I don't think Bruddah will want to do it either.

So, get out there and enjoy your Saturday. Stay tuned to Radio Fatatatutti for the latest updates and your favourite ukulele music. Here's one now, Aloha... something something.

Sunday morning....

We brought in some croissants from Tim Hortons' this morning but they're long gone. Time to start thinking about lunch. Maybe we should do a remote from Tim Hortons'. I wonder if the microphone cord is long enough to reach. Remind me to go on Google Earth and measure.

There seems to be a lot of traffic downtown today. I don't know what that's all about. If anybody knows about any special events going on today, call in and let us know. We don't have anything noted on the schedule for today. It's like a day off for our Luau Week revellers.

The beaches will be crowded. I'd tell you to get out there early if you want a good spot, but it's already too late to be early.

We don't have a remote broadcast scheduled for today either. The remote crew has the day off. So you're stuck with me.

I have General Castro-Stalina on the phone. We've been hearing some rumours and I wanted to get the scoop from the horse's mouth - no offense, General. Can you hear me, General?

Call me Marie-Louise.

All right, Marie-Louise. How are you today? Are you enjoying the celebrations?

I'm fine. I've been taking in some of the festivities. This is actually the first time in years that I've been home for Luau Week.

The reason I'm calling... we've been hearing some rumours that you're off again soon. I'd like to confirm if that's true or false. We don't mean to pry into your private life but the people of Fatatatutti are interested in what their favourite girl is doing - if you don't mind me saying so.

Well, I'm glad that people are interested - although I don't see anything particularly interesting about my life.

Personally, I'd rather see them interested in you - somebody who's devoted most of her life to protecting us and to preserving the peace - than in some air-headed actress. No offense to any air-headed actresses out there. Is it true that you're leaving us again?

Well, I'm not leaving the island. I'm just going to ride my motorbike up into the hills and maybe hike around a bit. I've been all around the coast of the island, so it's time I explored the interior too.

So, should people in the interior be keeping an eye out for you?

I'm always happy to stop and talk to the people. The people of Fatatatutti were very friendly to me on my voyage around the island, whether they knew me or not. I look forward to meeting the people - but I hope there won't be too many parades, or that sort of thing.

During your trip around the island, you kept us informed through your blog. Are you going to continue that on this trip?

Well, I plan to put in a few entires, at least. You can find my blog at http://www.castro-stalina.fa (http://crozet.freeforums.org/on-board-the-pom-pom-galli-t48.html) if you're interested.

I'm sure a lot of people will want to follow that. When will you be leaving?

In the next few days, if nothing comes up.

Well, I'm sure we all wish you well on this latest adventure. Thanks for talking to us to clear up the rumours.

Thank you. I'll look forward to meeting some of your listeners.

That was General Castro-Stalina, uh, Marie-Louise Castro-Stalina, who's about to leave on a motorcycle trip in central Fatatatutti. Keep an eye out for her.

We were off the air yesterday. I don't know if you noticed. I hope you did. Somebody pulled the plug at the transmitter and it took a long time to get somebody up there to plug it back in. The traffic was bad and it was hard to get a taxi. But that's automation for you. The computer can run the transmitter all by itself, never miss a cue, never call in sick. But it can't plug itself back in.

Now, the big mystery is how did it get unplugged in the first place? We'll keep you posted on developments. We've put a private investogator on the case.

So, here we are, back to business as usual. If you have any requests, if you just want to call in and tell the world what's on your mind, feel free to call in.

We had a caller this morning who suggested that we should show movies on the radio. I'm sorry, I forgot to record the call because I was laughing so hard.

Apparently, his idea was that we should watch a DVD here at the station and do a live play-by-play. I suppose we'd have to have a colour commentator, too.

I'm sorry, caller, whoever you are, but that just seems like too much work. I know you all think we have an easy time of it down here, working four or five hours a day. But you try thinking up clever things to say for even a few minutes at a time, never mind through a whole two-hour movie.

Caller, I suggest that you go down to your local video store and rent those movies yourself. It's only a few cocos or a few USD, your choice.

Thank you for your suggestion. We appreciate you thinking of us. Thanks, but no thanks.

Another quiet evening in Fatatatutti and we're getting mellow.

Somewhere in the distance, we can hear the music from a luau through the open window of our studio. Yes, the window is open. It's a warm night and the CD player is broken, so we're listening to the sound of the traffic and the celebrations of National Luau Week.

It's week five and the celebrations are winding down. People are starting to think about Extra Christmas, starting to gather their energy for the second major festival of the Fatatatutian calendar.

For anybody who doesn't know, the four celebrations are Luau Week, which lasts most of April, then Extra Christmas, which lasts most of July, then Thanksgiving, which lasts through October and finally Real Christmas, whch goes through December and January. They're all based on the traditional Fatatatutian celebrations of the seasons, but they've been modernized and anglicized.

So, while we wait for the technician, who looks to be about twelve years old, to fix the CD player, lets listen to the traffic as visions of sugarpoi dance in our heads.

Don't mind the noise. There are some people in camouflage gear with big guns running around the building. I'm pretty sure they're on our side.

For our international listeners, this sort of thing happens from time to time. Our armed forces train where they might have to fight. Soldiers don't like surprises, I guess. And apparently, somebody has decided that our building is in danger of invasion. I, for one, am glad that our Army will know what to do if the enemy hordes storm our coffee room.

There goes a little girl who looks like my niece. That gun is bigger than she is. No, it isn't her after all. Hi, honey.

"Did you see which way they went?"

Just follow the noise, honey.

"Thank you."

Isn't she sweet?

I'm told that they use live ammunition in training, so I hope they don't break anything important, like the coffee maker. And by 'coffee maker', I mean Denise, Diane? Debbie? the girl who runs our office. Of course, she's off today because it's Sunday. I have to get my own coffee from Tim Horton's.

You don't see the Army training in Tim Horton's much. I guess if they went in there, you'd never get them out.

Hey, I have some Tim Horton's trivia for you. I found this on the Internet a few days ago. Did you know that the original Tim Horton was a hockey player? Ice hockey, that is, up in some place called 'Canada', I think. How's that for irony? Tim Horton's was started by a hockey player and it took off in Fatatatutti, where we don't have any ice at all. Except in the ice-maker, that is.

And speaking of Tim Horton's, it's about time for me to take a run down there. And by 'run', I mean walk. So if you hear a lot of noise - like shooting or something - while I'm gone, don't panic. Like I said before, I'm pretty sure they're on our side.

Hi, there. My name is Denise. The regular DJ has mentioned me before - I usually work in the office - but he can never remember my name.

Our regular listeners will have noticed that we've been playing mostly music for the past couple of days. That's because our regular DJ, Rick, has been called away on some urgent family business. We don't know how long he'll be gone but we wish him well and we hope his absence isn't too much of an inconvenience for you.

So, we're going to be playing mostly music until he gets back. I'll try to pop in once in a while, just so you know we still have human beings down here. Please stay tuned.

And now, back to our scheduled programming.

A Special Message from the Allied States of Tutlingburg:


Good Morning, Fatatatutti. This is Robert Browning the Prime Minister of the Allied States of Tutlingburg. Our two countries share a long history of peaceful relations and healthy trade. We also share many cultural links. The recent Fatatatuttian art exhibit at the Tutlingburg National Art Museum was a smash hit and Tutlingburgian films are very popular in Fatatatutti. Most Importantly, do not forget our shared love of Tim Horton’s....that alone makes us almost family.

In that sprit, it as come to our attention, that even thought Fatatatuttians are interested in Ice Hockey, they have no indoor all-season rinks to play on. So as gift from the people of Tutlingburg, to you, the fine citizens of Fatatatutti, we will begin construction next month on the Fatatatutti-Tutlingburg Friendship Arena. It will be built to Olympic standard, contain the latest in ice-making technology, and have seating for twenty thousand people.
I personally will be attending the ground breaking ceremony, next week. I hope this gift ushers in a new beginning for Fatatatutti-Tutlingburg relations.

Thank you, and good day!

This message paid for by the Allied States of Tutlingburg

Well, Rick is going to be sorry he missed this. It's Denise again from Radio Fatatatutti. We've just had an announcement that Tutlingburg is going to build an ice-hockey arena right here in Fatatatutti. I'd like to say 'thank you' to the people of Tutlingburg and I'm sure there will be an official thank-you later on. We're touched by your generosity, Tutlingburg.

We've been trying to contact members of our National Hockey Team for their reaction and we hope to have that for you later. We'll definitely keep you up to date on any developments.

Once again, thak you, Tutlingburg.

Hello again. It's Denise from Radio Fatatatutti. We have a taped conversation here between our DJ, Rick, and Debbie Gershon, the captain of the National Ice Hockey Team. I think he has a thing for her.

Rick: Hello, Debbie? Are you there?

Debbie: Yes. Hello, Rick. I hear you're having some family problems. I want you to know that our thoughts are with you.

Rick: Thank you, Debbie. Everything is going to be fine.

Debbie: I'm glad to hear it.

Rick: I had a free minute, so I thought I'd call you and ask if you'd heard the news.

Debbie: What news is that?

Rick: About the new hockey arena that Tutlingburg is going to build in Fatatatutti.

Debbie: Oh, yes. I heard about that on the radio.

Rick: How do you think this is going to effect the future of ice hockey in Fatatatutti?

Debbie: Well, it's a wonderful gesture from Tutlingburg. We don't have an ice hockey program at all now, just our team, so we're going to have to get moving to make the best use of this wonderful arena.

Rick: Do you think there will be enough interest to make the arena worthwhile?

Debbie: Well, I expect it will take a while to get a full-blown hockey program going. We have a lot of inline skaters, though, so I expect a lot of them will want to try skating on ice. And a lot of people will be interested in skating just for fun.

Rick: But are people going to buy ice skates just to try it?

Debbie: Probably not many. There isn't even any place to buy ice skates. We only got our hockey equipment from Fatatatutian Tire on a special order.

Rick: So we're going to need some kind of system where people can borrow skates or rent skates, like at the bowling alley.

Debbie: That's a good idea, Rick. Are you going to be in charge of that?

Rick: Well, I think the station can definitely play a role in getting the word out. If anybody wants to donate some money or help organize things, they can just call the station and we'll try to aim them in the right direction.

Debbie: And I hope we can count on some contribution from the government.

Rick: Well, this is Fatatatutti, after all. What doesn't the government contribute to? I'd like to know that my hundred per cent taxes are going toward something worthwhile, like kids playing hockey.

Debbie: My kids have expressed some interest in skating. If we're going to have a serious hockey program in Fatatatutti, it will have to start with the kids.

Rick: I agree. Well, thanks for talking with us, Debbie. I have to transfer this tape to an MP3... somehow... and email it to the station so they can put it on the air, so....

Debbie: Thanks for calling, Rick. Take care. And thanks again to Tutlingburg for their generosity.

Rick: Yes. Thank you, Tutlingburg.

That was our DJ, Rick, on the phone with Debbie Gershon from the National Hockey Team. We'd all like to thank Tutlingburg once again. And, like Rick said, start thinking hockey.